02x18 - There's Just No Accounting...

[bunniefuu]

♪ Look at what's
happened to me ♪

♪ I can't believe it myself ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm up
on top of the world ♪

♪ It should have
been somebody else ♪

♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Just like the
light of a new day ♪

♪ It hit me from
out of the blue ♪

♪ Breaking me out
of the spell I was in ♪

♪ Making all of my
wishes come true ♪

♪ Believe it or not
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪♪

$250,000 in small,
unmarked bills.

Okay. Fair enough. Shouldn't
they have called by now?

Mrs. Sherwin, you can't be lookin'
at a clock in a situation like this.

These kidnappers don't know that
they're gonna get this ransom yet,

so they keep the screws down
on you... you mustn't give into it.

- You won't be able
to think straight.
- The supervisor, Carlisle,

when I first offered to pay the
ransom, he advised against it.

Now you're saying to do it.

Well, I don't care
about the money.

It... I just want
Debbie back! But...

Mr. Sherwin, I give you my word.

I'm gonna get your money back,
and more important than that,

I'm gonna bring
your daughter home.

Now, I suggest everybody calm down
and sit down, and, uh, read a book!

Wait a minute.

Well, answer it,
for Pete's sake.

Yeah?

You got it? 250K.
Small, unmarked bills...

brown leather briefcase.

All right, take the money to the
Hartford Street Bridge in Lancaster.

Cross the bridge from the
east exit. Stop halfway across.

Don't leave your
car. I know the drill.

It's gonna take me
about an hour to get there.

One hour. What about the
girl? I want to talk to her agai...

What about Debbie?
Did you talk to Debbie?

Is she all right? Yeah, they
know they have to keep her well,

until they get their
hands on this ransom.

I'm gonna get your daughter
back, Mr. Sherwin. It's a promise.

I don't mean to get my hopes up,
Agent Maxwell, but I believe you.

Agent Carlisle
wasn't so positive.

Well, uh... I have this
sort of secret weapon, see?

October...

That's not all of October.

And... November.
Where's December?

Did I leave December home?

I've been waitin'... Oh, Bill. Come
on! You knocked everything over here.

I don't see why you don't do
that stuff at home. Did they call?

Yeah. Goin' for a
bridge drop. Bridge drop?

Yeah. We drive up
on the Hartford Bridge.

They're waitin' down below in
a car. We toss the money over.

If they've picked the location
right, and I'm sure they have,

they'll be gone before I can get
down off the bridge and pursue them.

Will they bring
the little... little girl?

Not if they're smart,
they won't, no.

So we're gonna have to drop
the dough, and you fly high cover.

And don't lose them!
I won't lose them.

Let me see this $250,000. I've
never seen that much before.

Please be careful with that,
Ralph? Oh, my God, look at that!

Whoo! My goodness.

I thought the official F.B.I. policy
was not to pay kidnappers off.

Well, sometimes.
Not all the time.

Like, uh, what about this time?

What? Look, uh, Ralph.
It's you and me and the suit.

I mean, we've snagged
missiles out of the sky.

Do you mean we can't stop a couple
of creepos from dashing with the dough?

- I don't know. Can we?
- Of course we can!

- Carlisle was willing
to go along with it?
- I've got two armed slugs...

out there, with a
six-year-old c*ptive...

- I haven't got time to call the
home office every time I move!
- Mistake!

Okay. Ralph. You and the suit
may be this kid's only chance.

Well...

If you're lookin'
at a suspension,

I guess you can't generate any juice
to get this I.R.S. guy off of my back.

I'm a teacher! Doesn't he realize I
make peanuts in the scheme of things?

Why doesn't he go after one of these
big corporations with millions of dollars?

I'm a legitimate guy
with legitimate expenses.

This jerk is all over my
back like a bad case of hives.

That's why they
call 'em the I.R.S.

They make a living driving
other people bananas!

That's what they're there for.
They don't care if you're innocent.

As far as they're concerned,
everybody's guilty and nobody's innocent.

This guy's made me
go back in my receipts...

for the past four years... and every
time I bring him something that he wants,

he sidesteps and he asks
for something else. Sure.

"Byron Bigsbey." Calls himself
"the B.B. g*n." That's cute.

Why is he after me? I
haven't done anything to him.

You've just gotta
tough it out, that's all.

Ah, terrific!

"December 1977."

Take this, Byron.

Okay, Ralph. Toss it!

Let's go!

Okay, come on. Let's go!

I'll talk you in, Bill. Right.

Forget about him. He's probably
still comin' down off the bridge.

There's no way in the
world he could tail us.

They're turning
off near the docks.

I can see a couple
of old freighters.

I got a holograph. The
little girl's in one of them.

Yeah! Got it! Stay on 'em!

Whoo!

Ain't that pretty.

Well, ain't nothin' left
now but to k*ll the kid.

What's that?

You go get the kid. I'm
gonna check it out. Julie?

Grab the kid. Let's go.

Okay, babe.

Oh, Debbie. Wait a minute.

Let's not forget your new doll.

Am I going home now?
You sure are, sugar.

Come on.

Hey, Jack. You see anything?

Oh! Woah!

- Now don't you move!
- Don't hurt her.

All right. Get in the car.
Get in the car. Quick!

Who is that guy?
Who is he? What is he?

First he's there,
then he's gone!

Hey, stop the car. What
do you mean, "stop the car"?

Are you crazy? Look. If he wants
the kid so bad, let's give 'er to him.

Hey, kid. Here.
Here. Go get your doll.

It's all right. It's all right,
Debbie. I want my mommy.

Please, can I go see
my mommy, mister?

You bet, honey. Let's
go see her right now.

There's his partner.

Bill, are you all right? Yeah,
I'm okay. Is Debbie all right?

Yeah, she's all right. I'm
sorry I let those guys get away.

- Well...
- Oh, Bill.

Look at my receipts! I
couldn't help it, Ralph.

They blew out the window
when those guys hit me.

Aw, Bill. Where's
the canceled checks?

They were right over there.
Well, no, that blew away too.

There's a couple on the
floor there, but that's all by...

Ralph, listen to me! There's
a quarter of a million bucks...

back on that pier...
you gotta go get it.

Come on, now. Forget
these receipts. All right.

You get that money. I'll check with
you later and take the little girl home.

Everything's gonna be fine.

♪ Guess who's comin' to call ♪

♪ I know he's gonna
try to take it all ♪

♪ A briefcase A
pocketful of pens ♪

♪ When will this nightmare end ♪

♪ I know I'm gonna
have to Pay up ♪

♪ There's no doubt about it ♪

♪ There ain't nothin' to say I'm
gonna have to face it Pay up ♪

♪ Time out is what I need ♪

♪ I thought we lived
in the land of the free ♪

♪ Pick on me and
all of my friends ♪

♪ When will this nightmare end ♪

♪ Pay up, I know I'm
gonna have to pay up ♪

♪ Ain't no doubt about it
There ain't nothin' left to say ♪

♪ I'm gonna have
to face it Pay up ♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Just a minute!

Ah! I thought I heard the door.

Oh, surely not because I've been
knocking on it for the last 20 minutes.

Heavens, no, you would have
thought you heard it earlier.

Well, I'm sorry. I was in the shower.
Yes. You're dripping on my shoes.

Oh! Sorry. Won't you come in?

That's most gracious of you.

See, I-I was in the shower,

and I, uh... Mr. Hinkley,
there's no reason to explain.

Just because I said I
would be here at noon,

is no reason for me to think you
would be here for the appointment.

You probably thought I wanted to
wait on your doorstep for half an hour.

Mrs. Horsley! Yes,
uh, Byron Bigsbey here.

I'm afraid I'm going to
be a little late. Excuse me.

Yes, I did have a chance
to speak to your accountant.

Unfortunately, I told
him as I told you...

that the Homeowner's Civic
Association is not on our list...

of recognized,
nonprofit organizations.

Yes, ma'am, you will receive
proper notification of moneys due.

Thank you, Mrs. Horsley.

Mr. Hinkley, if I could have those
canceled checks from December of '77...

the month in question.
Uh, yes, well...

If I could see them, Mr. Hinkley? Or did
you leave them drip-drying in the shower?

Mr. Fattah, please?
Yes, Byron Bigsbey here.

Well, in that case, tell him
I'll be there at 6:00 today.

No, ma'am, I didn't have an
appointment, but I have one now.

6:00. Bye-bye.

Old B.B. g*n's got
one in his sights there.

Mr. Hinkley, if I could
see those checks, please?

Uh, actually I don't have them.

You left word at my office
that you did have them.

Yes, I-I know.

Byron, I appreciate
how busy you are,

but, um...

I misplaced them.

- I really did.
- You could have made this
all so much simpler...

if you just said you didn't
have them in the first place.

I don't know why people insist
on making fools of themselves.

I do want to thank you, though, Hinkley,
for allowing me to go out of my way...

to come here and
waste my precious time.

But you know, it is being right
about certain types of people...

that makes doing
this job worthwhile.

- I did have them.
- Mr. Haverson?

Yes, Byron Bigsbey here.

I noticed an item on your return I thought
we should discuss while we're going over it.

Yes, it seems that summer
you sent your child to camp...

Well, that credit is only deductible
if both parents are working.

Those, uh, dates, please?

Yes, uh, one second, please.

Uh-huh. "June... 14...

to June 27."

Yes. Thank you very
much, Mr. Haverson.

Yes, fine. Thank you very much.

I bet you wonder
where I got that, huh?

You have no idea how much
this pains me, Mr. Hinkley,

but, uh, you are in trouble.

You actually had Sherwin
put up the ransom money.

Well, uh, he was more than
willing to... I know what he was!

As you may recall, since you
were among those present,

I was the one who originally talked
him out of supplying the ransom.

Here you go, behind my back,

talk him back into supplying
the money, and lose it!

Well, it's not lost,
sir. What is it?

Well... Well, I just
haven't had time yet...

to retrace the
kidnappers', uh, trail,

and to retrieve it.

But I-I will.

Uh, come on. The little girl
was returned to her parents.

I mean, you can't tell me that Mr. Sherwin
is all that upset at this point...

over a lousy
suitcase full of money.

$250,000...

is not a lousy
suitcase full of money.

Mr. Sherwin says
that you, personally,

guaranteed the return of
his daughter and the money.

Well, since you chose to act
without departmental approval,

you, personally, will
return that money...

by tomorrow morning...
How's this afternoon?

Or... you will be facing a
full-scale investigation...

by Internal Affairs... Do I
make myself crystal clear?

Yes, sir! Crystal clear. I don't
think there's anything to worry about.

All I have to do is get the money,
and, uh, bring it back here...

and-and show you that
I've got it and everything.

And I don't think there's
any, uh, problem there.

Uh, I think I can find it. As
a matter of fact, I'm positive.

- It's gone.
- Gone? What are you
talking about, gone?

How can it be
gone? Just like that.

- Wha...
- Bill, that's the
Internal Revenue Service.

Wha... Well, the briefcase
happened to be sitting on my desk,

and Byron looked at it,

saw the money inside, and he called the
Internal Revenue Service Tax Fraud Division.

I mean, they sent some heavyweights. These
guys got g*ns and badges and everything.

They confiscated the
briefcase and the money.

Oh, gee, Ralph!

How could you let 'em do that?
Well, what was I supposed to do?

Well, I mean, they don't have
any right to do th-that, uh, wha...

Just because some guy... even if
he is I.R.S... in your own house?

Sittin' there, and he opens up
a bag, and it happens to be...

filled with a quarter of
a million dollars in cash.

Small, unmarked bills.
Oh, boy, that's awful!

Well, it... Still, he has no
right just to waltz off with it.

Not unless he establishes that it is
not yours. I told him it wasn't mine.

You told him it
wasn't yours? Why?

Because I'm not gonna lie to the
I.R.S., Bill. What makes you so special?

Everybody lies to the I.R.S. They have
to. Their whole system is based on it.

What am I supposed to do,
tell 'em it fell out of the sky?

Come on. Get real! No, something
more imaginative than that, maybe?

Uh, what did you tell 'em?
Where'd you get the money?

I told 'em I found it on a dock, which
is exactly where I found the money.

I just didn't say what I was doing down
there, or that I was involved with you.

I figured they would trace the money
back, find out it was the ransom money,

and it would be returned to
its rightful owners. Well, Ralph,

I think we're gonna have to
hold our breaths on this one.

Uh, now, what is the name of this
geek from the I.R.S. that's on your case?

I'm gonna get on him
and get it off. Well...

Where is he? He's inside,
with Pam. Now, wait a minute.

I called her. I thought she could
smooth things out before you got involved.

So you are aware, Ms. Davidson,

I intend to carry this
investigation through personally...

and diligently until an indictment
is made against Mr. Hinkley.

Uh, indictment? Ah! It's times like
these when you finally catch the big one...

that you really feel good
about what you're doing.

How could you feel good about badgering
innocent people for a two-dollar lunch receipt?

- Gimme a break!
- Mr. Hinkley, I certainly,
if anyone, am aware...

that all innocent people keep a quarter
of a million dollars in their desks.

Now, hold on, Mr. Bigsbey. You are condemning
my client before he has had a trial.

Trial? What... And I shall be
checking into your auditing technique.

Should I find that you have used
any improper methods, or made any...

biased decisions, you and your
superiors will be hearing from me.

- Trial?
- Wonderful.

Uh, just a second.
Bill Maxwell, F.B.I.

Kind of out of your
jurisdiction here, uh, Maxwell?

- Tax Fraud will handle this.
- Oh, great. A Mexican flip-off.

Well, that's what I'm tryin' to
tell you. There isn't any tax fraud.

I'm just trying to... as a pal... save you a
lot of embarrassment inside your own department.

How sweet of you. So lucky
for me that you've come along.

Well, yeah, as a matter of fact.
Because, you see, Mr. Hinkley here...

often works for the bureau
on special assignment.

Just this morning, he was working
with me on a kidnapping case,

and the money that you confiscated
improperly was part of the ransom.

Oh! I see. He works for you?

A high school teacher?
I love this. It's wonderful.

Uh, yeah, from time to
time. Special assignment.

On the side? It's
not that unusual!

And his normal fee is $250,000... or
did he give you a bargain this morning?

No! He doesn't pay me anything.

A little gelt under the
table never hurt anyone?

Snitch money from the petty cash drawer?
That was "Maxwell" with two L's, wasn't it?

Now, listen, Byron. What
is this guy's last name?

Okay, Bill. I think
you've said enough.

So you'll be fully aware of
my technique, Ms. Davidson,

I intend to order a T.C.M.P. on
Mr. Hinkley for the last seven years.

Won't that be
good for a chuckle.

Oh, my Lord. What's a
T.C.M.P.? What's a T.C.M.P.?

Now, hold on, Mr. Bigsbey. I think
you're making a very big mistake.

Now, my client is an honest,
upstanding citizen who pays his taxes.

Well, then, he has nothing to hide.
I've really got to make a phone call.

- But a T...
- What's a T.C.M.P.? What's a T.C.M.P.?

Sounds like
irreversible surgery.

A T.C.M.P. is the
single worst thing...

the I.R.S. can inflict upon
you, short of sending you to jail.

Unlike an audit, where they choose
some area of your return to go over,

with a T.C.M.P., they go over...

every single line
of your return.

Oh, every line,
Ralph. I'm sorry.

And Byron says they're gonna check
every one for the past seven years.

I don't even have
receipts for last December.

Well, then, just tell
Mr. Fattah I'll be there at 6:00.

Uh, by the way, Miss
Gray... Uh, Millie...

You didn't by any chance
locate a receipt for that...

shorthand refresher course
you deducted on your last return?

What made me think you wouldn't?

Don't forget, if they come up with any evidence
of tax fraud, they can go back indefinitely.

Oh, great! Well, that
really makes my day.

Wait a minute! You
can't use my phone!

We should discuss it after
my meeting... Get off my phone.

Come on! Get off my
phone. with your boss.

Take your briefcase and get
out. Didn't anyone ever tell you...

it's rude to interrupt someone's
phone... Get out of my house!

Right now. Go on. And I'm sending
you a bill for all the business calls...

I wouldn't make him any madder,
hon. Don't make the situation any worse.

How can it be any
worse than it is?

I shouldn't have asked.

I don't really know how the
kidnappers ended up at my house.

I imagine they saw me pick up the ransom
money, and they just followed me, or...

I don't know. It's
very complicated.

I haven't quite got
it sorted out myself.

Now, uh, Bill?

Let me just see if I
can get this straight.

Uh, Mr. Hinkley,
a private citizen,

a high school teacher,
was assisting you...

on a highly dangerous
bureau operation,

the ransom of a kidnap victim?

Uh, it's not quite
that simple, sir.

Come on, Maxwell. We all know
your buddy Hinkley's in on this thing.

In on what? What?

Slick. It's very slick. You forced
the old man to pop for the ransom...

Oh, I didn't force
him to do anything.

He wanted to give
the ransom before.

- He did. Remember?
- He was talked out of it
by Agent Carlisle.

Isn't that right? Right.
Yes. That's right.

Uh, may I ask where
all this is leading?

Les, listen.

Maxwell and his pal Hinkley get
Sherwin to pop for the ransom demand.

But the money isn't traded
off for any kidnapped little girl.

No, sir! It ends up in
some safe deposit boxes,

or in some accounts under false
I.D.'s for Maxwell and Hinkley.

Give me a break.

Huh.

I get 'em from Cuba,
in the diplomatic pouch.

You want one?
Don't mind if I do.

I want to let you people know that I'm
getting a little bit hot under the collar,

a little ticked off.
Ralph, please.

Mr. Carlisle, Mr. Bigsbey has nothing
to substantiate his statements with.

- Byron?
- Since when does
a high school teacher...

know the boys with the violin
cases and the black sedans?

What happened? Did they get a little nervous
when you didn't show up with their cut?

Let's get out... I've
heard enough, thank you.

If formal charges are going to be
drawn up, then let's get on with it,

otherwise my client and I are
ready to leave. Good. Let's go.

Mr. Hinkley, you are, of
course, perfectly free to go.

However, I want to assure you...

that this matter will be investigated
to our complete mutual satisfaction.

Yeah.

How many times have we seen it,
Les? Doesn't it always make you sick?

What kind of rock crawled
up off of you, anyway?

Maxwell, leave your shield.

Uh, uh, what for?

For suspension. Well, uh,
what do you mean exactly?

I mean, as in midair,
as in "hung out to dry"?

Until this matter is completely
resolved, and you are vindicated.

You want to leave this
downstairs with the master-at-arms?

Have a nice day, Bill.

Bill? What happened?
He suspended me!

He what? We
could fight this, Bill.

I don't know. From his
side of the table, you know?

It's pretty iffy if you
leave the suit out.

We got holes in our scenario
you could drive a truck through!

Boy, I would love to introduce Byron to the
red suit for two minutes in a dark alley.

Ralph! He's such a...

Yeah. He is. What do you think?

What do you think?
We tell Carlisle the truth.

We already told him the
truth. No, I mean the truth truth.

About the suit. Bill, come on. I
mean, don't go bananas on us now.

I know there's a lot
of pressure, but...

He's always been suspicious
about my, uh, k*ll record.

That would be the thing to
do, is tell him the absolute truth.

That's it. We were out
in the desert one night,

and a spaceship came down
and the little green guys...

gave us the suit so that
you could fly around...

Uh, you're right. That stinks!

I don't know where to go from
here. The only guys who know...

you have nothing to do with the
kidnapping are the kidnappers.

Why don't we start there?
We'll get us off the hook,

and I don't have to duck every
time I walk down the street.

Right. Right,
okay. That's it, uh...

We'll find these little
fuzzballs and get 'em to talk.

How are you going to find these
guys? Ralph'll holograph in on 'em.

Well, remember, I just can't get a
spontaneous holograph of guys I barely know.

I gotta have something that
they, uh, have touched recently.

Yeah, of course!

The briefcase!

The briefcase? I thought you dusted for
fingerprints before you gave evidence back.

Uh, well, we do. This is some
new data we just received.

It needs immediate
verification. I don't see why not.

It's just right over
there. Thank you.

The man from the I.R.S. just
brought it back a few minutes ago.

I thought I recognized
that car. Okay.

I told you. I had 100,000 in
C.D.'s which I was able to get at.

I took a loan from my corporation,
and I borrowed 70,000 from two friends.

The names of these two
close, personal friends...

who loaned you $70,000 which they had no
reason to believe they would ever see again?

Agent Maxwell assured me
that the money would be returned.

And I believed him. Byron.

You don't really want to be lookin'
at a lawsuit for slander, do you, kid?

Well, if it isn't ex-Agent Maxwell
and his freelancing special ed teacher.

Did you find those
misplaced receipts yet?

Would somebody mind
telling me what this is about?

Maxwell, I get this guy telling me
that you're no longer with the bureau.

My money is being held
pending a criminal investigation.

And I'm being hit
with a net worth audit.

I'm really sorry
about that, sir.

But I promise this is
gonna be settled, real quick.

And you are, definitely,
gonna get your money back.

Uh... Oh!

Just feeling the
leather. It's very nice.

I could use something
like this for my schoolwork.

Is that what was in there this morning?
Part of your economics lesson, Hinkley?

You know what, Byron? I've
had just about enough of you.

- You get your thrill out
of making people squirm.
- I get my thrills, Hinkley,

by making sure people don't live out the American
dream without the right checkbook balance.

No, you enjoy the power that that
that little, plastic laminated card...

with I.R.S. stamped
on it gives you.

That false sense of masculinity.

Let me tell you something,
without that card, you are nothing.

You are a zero. You are
less than a bug, Byron.

And one day you're gonna push
somebody just a little bit too far.

Mr. Sherwin, I'm glad your
daughter was returned safely.

Mrs. Sherwin?

You were going to tell
me the names of those...

who loaned you the $70,000?

Stick it in your ear.

All right.

It's amazing I tolerated
this guy for so long.

All those ridiculous questions
about the most inane things.

Endless receipts. I was
so intimidated by this guy.

It felt so good to tell him I didn't
give a hot fudge what he did to me.

Let him take his best shot! Ralph, if he
hasn't already hit us with his best shot...

several times, let's hope
that he doesn't have one.

Now, you didn't get anything off
the briefcase at all? No, obviously...

the guy didn't have it in
his possession long enough.

So what do we do now? Well...

Debbie!

How are ya doin'? Fine. I'm glad to be
home again with my mommy and daddy.

I'll bet you are, and I'll bet
they're glad to have you home too.

I told them all about you, and how
you picked me up and flew me...

Um, you did, huh? You know what.

See, I really enjoy
flying... Me too.

But the problem is, um, it has
to stay a secret if it's gonna work.

So I'd appreciate it if you kept
it between you and me, okay?

If I do, will I be
able to fly too?

Well, only with me. But
if you keep it a secret,

I'll come back and
I'll take you flying.

Promise? I promise, dear.

That's the judge's kid. Oh,
he's gonna turn us a good buck.

I saw them, Bill. What?
Who? The kidnappers?

Yes. They're at the corner of Elmtree
and Fern. They're gonna take another kid.

Okay. I'll see you
there. All right.

Excuse me.

- Did you see that?
- What, mister?

Jack, you told me the little
girl was gonna be the last.

The little girl, and then we was
gonna go to Mexico, is what you told me.

What I told you was
after we got some money.

Now, do you see any money? 'Cause
I don't see no money. So shut up!

We're gonna pick that kid up right there on
the corner. Right near the abandoned church.

You don't think that Captain Video or
whoever is gonna show up again, do you?

Oh, will you come on and
lay off about the flyin' guy?

You know you're startin' to sound like your
elevator don't go all the way to the top?

I gotta talk about it.
That's all there is to it.

If I don't talk to you about it, I'm
gonna have to talk to somebody else.

And then they will give me a
wraparound coat... so you lay off!

Come on. Pull over there.

Hey!

Where ya goin'?

Hey! Who are you?

I'm the kid's fairy godmother!

Hey!

Donnie, look out!

Don't move!

Okay. F.B.I.

This is a bust. Out, on
the front deck, face down.

And spread 'em.

Do you hear me?

Oh. You probably met
my friend, the tooth fairy.

Well, that's a long story. Step
out, we'll explain. Come on!

Look, Jerry. I know they're there.
I remember mailing them to you.

Try March '75.

Bill! What happened? Huh? Well,

I'm back in! All right!
Good for you, partner.

Did he mention anything
about the, uh... Uh, no.

Both those guys had sense
enough to stay off of that.

They didn't want to wind up on a lobotomy
table. Carlisle's still ticked off...

that I pulled you in as a civilian, but I
told him that nobody in the bureau...

was gonna help me when
it was against his rules.

Good, good, good.
Pam! What did you get?

Who cares if my sister's name is on the loan?
I'm the one making the payments on the car.

I should be able to get
the deduction. Counselor,

what are you doing
to my message units?

Oh, don't give me that, Jerry. It's
a perfectly legitimate tax deduction.

The old B.B. g*n has struck
again. She's being audited.

Boy, that guy hangs on like a
third-degree burn, doesn't he?

Well, in that case,
come on. Let's go.

Where are we going? We are
gonna go find the B.B. g*n...

and get him off of your
case. I love it already.

How are we gonna do
that? I know his moves.

We're going to have a little conversation
about destroying federal evidence...

in a kidnapping... his
fingerprints on a briefcase?

And just being a royal pain in
the neck to my favorite counselor.

There you go. What do you get?

- Oh, 30 cents.
- Does that include sales tax?

Includes anything you want.

Excuse me. Huh?

- Are you "Bud"?
- Oh, no, no. I'm Dave. There ain't no Bud.

Byron Bigsbey. I.R.S.

I notice you like to hit that "No
Sale" button on your register there...

uh, Bud, or Dave, or whatever.

Look. It's a... It's just
a 30 cent cup of coffee.

You gotta be kiddin' me.
And I give away a lot of coffee.

I give coffee to policemen,
to firemen, to servicemen...

If I'd have known youse were
the federal government... here.

It's on the house.

- Some kind of bribe there, Dave?
- It ain't so such a thing!

- I'm not lookin'
for no trouble from you.
- You don't have to look, Davey.

You found it. You're staring down
the muzzle of the old B.B. g*n.

And it ain't never missed yet.

When you're finished, can
I have a cup of joe, please?

Tell me, Byron. How much did
you actually hook your mother for,

when you did that
audit on her in '79, huh?

267-VUX.

I don't believe it.
Did you see that?

- They-They just went out.
- Yes. Thank God there's
a strong wind on this corner.

I felt it a moment ago. I thought this was
going to stop when we got those kidnappers.

Who were those guys?

Okay, Technitron Corporation. If
the counselor is right about the plate,

that's who owns the car who
tried to roast our marshmallows.

Come on in, Bill. Technitron?

Does this mean anything to you?

No, nothin'. Zip.
Hey, Bill. Watch it.

Oh, Bill, be careful. That's
my May '77 business receipts.

I just got those sorted.
Oh, prison, here I come.

Don't worry. I'm an expert
now after three weeks.

We'll find everything
you got here.

Including your '77
December canceled checks?

Boys and girls, could
we listen up here, please?

Because we got somebody out there that's
tryin' to k*ll us, and we don't know who it is!

Or why. Yeah. Tommy? You
got anything else on that plate?

Yeah. Technitron
Corporation. I'll hold.

Okay. Electronics. Uh,
Japan and West Germany.

Their office here is
on Wilshire Boulevard.

Ralph, do you remember
having lunch with me...

June of '78 at Chez... Laverre?

I don't remember
having lunch last week.

I've got your name
written down. June '78!

I must have been handling
your divorce, right? Business.

Okay. Got it.

It's out of the
executive car pool.

We got an executive at Technitron
who's trying to fry our zucchini.

We better get over there and see what
there is to see. Yeah. Right. Let's go.

- Okay.
- Ralph, you said
you'd help me.

Well, I can't very well show
up at school tomorrow...

and have some guy lob a grenade
through the classroom window.

Bye!

Oh, Bigsbey.

Okay, that's it. We go
down through the top,

because they never wire the
top floor of a building like this.

What's the matter? This
door must be jammed.

What are you doing?

Ralph, what am I
gonna tell Carlisle?

Does he even ask anymore? Yes.

He does ask every
day about the cars.

Okay, you go down through
the top, you come down the stairs.

If the elevator doesn't work, you
open the door nice so I can come in...

Wait a minute! Ralph,
wait a minute! Wait!

God!

You all right, Bill?

Huh? Yeah. F-Fine.

I'm good. Okay. It's all right.

Okay, here.

Oh, no, no, no. Let
me do it. I'll do it.

Well, Ralph, don't break it.
You're always busting the windows.

God, you sound
like my grandmother.

Well, that's a first.

Voilà! I didn't break it.

Okay, okay. So you can
moonlight as a stork...

when the little green
guys get done with us.

Wait a minute. "Michael Fattah."

- Where do I know that name?
- I don't know. Who is he?

He is the chairman
of Technitron.

I can see that, Ralph.

Oh, wait a minute. I know I
know the name. I just can't place it.

Uh... Let's go in and
vibe the place out.

Wai... Wait a minute.
What are you doin'?

- I'm gonna get us inside!
- Ralph, for all we know,
this guy is totally innocent.

I mean, you think you
remember his name.

But there are 200 employees here
who could have had access to that car!

Watch and be amazed.

Boy. c*ck, Ralph. Real c*ck.

I'm just getting
comfortable with it.

Boy, look at all this stuff.

Very, very nice. Look at this.

Wh... What are we
looking for? I don't know.

You tell me.

Uh, how 'bout a safe?

Yeah. I'll take it,
if you can find it.

Wow! Boy, you're
really gettin' good at that.

All right, c*ck,
Ralph. Real c*ck.

You want to check the rest of the room...
vibe it... see if there's anything there.

Oh, yes. I got something here,
Bill. What? What do you got?

Well, it seems... we don't have
an exclusive on our B.B. g*n.

Look at this. He's
on every page there.

Look at here.

Our boy, Byron "Boring" Bigsbey?

Wait a minute. He
was doin' an audit here.

He must have tapped
into their hotline.

Look. These. These
are duplicate ledgers.

He tipped that they were
runnin' double books.

All those guys out there with the burp
g*ns, and the, uh... the Molotov c*ck.

They weren't after us.
They were after Byron.

- I wonder if they got him.
- Why would you ask that?

He had an appointment with Pam at
7:00, and the guy never showed up.

And we're talkin' about a man who is a
fanatic about being on time for appointments.

I mean, every phone booth
he passes, he makes a call...

to let you know he's
only five minutes away.

And he had an appointment
with Fattah at 6:00.

Huh? Allow me.

I'm gonna get sick from this.

Yeah. They might have panicked,
and nailed him, right here in the building.

He gets here on time for his
appointment, and they keep him past 6:30,

and the building's almost empty.

Where do you think they'll
take him? Well, I don't know.

Why don't we ask
Mr. "Fattie" himself?

I told you the truth. I
swear, I told you the truth.

You have been investigating
me for two months now.

You must have placed a
report to your superiors. No!

No, I swear.

All right. All right. I did tell
'em about the false set of books,

but I did not tell 'em
about the false charity.

I am the only one that
knows anything about that.

- I swear to you. You gotta believe me.
- I would believe you,

only when I know you
cannot possibly be lying.

What are ya doin'?

Mr. Fattah, I am the only one that
knows the Clifford College Trust...

is a front for the
Revolutionary Socialist Army.

And I'm not gonna tell anybody.

It could be our little secret.

You like to terrorize
people, don't you, huh?

You get a sadistic pleasure out of
making people's lives miserable, huh?

You got it all wrong! I am the sweetest
guy you would ever want to meet.

You walk up and down...

the halls of my company...

hovering like a vulture.

You like to see the... the fear
in the eyes of the employees.

You like accosting my secretary.

Millie? I didn't mean any
harm by that, Mr. Fattah...

Michael... it's just
that she's such a fox.

I was just trying to be
friendly, and if for some reason,

I made her feel uncomfortable,
I just... Oh, no, no, no, no.

No more uncomfortable than
you're going to feel right now.

What do you mean? What? What?

Mr. Fattah, please, please. I
told ya, we could forget everything.

The false bank books,
the fake charity...

I don't know anything. I
couldn't remember it if I had to.

Please, Mr. Fattah.
I'm beggin' you!

Well, look at here.
Mr. Fattie himself.

What are we doin', puttin' bugs
down people's shirts? Come on.

Back in the saddle again.
Maxwell, is that you?

Oh, Maxwell, thank God. These
guys are really workin' me over here.

I don't know how much more
I could have taken. Untie me.

Let's take these rumdums apart.

I guess we had to
stop 'em, didn't we?

Well, I don't know. Maybe we
could go out and come back again...

in about 10 minutes.
That's a good idea!

Okay. No. Come on, you guys!

Come on, Bill. Let's
go grab some lunch.

I just gotta finish up my
report on the S.R.A. bust.

We nailed some real
heavyweight t*rrorists there.

It was a dividend.
This is a celebration.

I am done with my
audit. Yeah? How?

She found out she's got 60
bucks comin' from the I.R.S.

So, lunch is on me.

Okay, that's great. Boy, I hate it
when these guys put you on hold.

Well, Ralph, did you find out
anything more about your audit?

Nothing. And I'm not
gonna stir anything up either.

I'll just wait until
it all passes over.

Yeah, it's probably the best way.
'Cause old Byron doesn't have any idea...

how much I overheard or didn't overhear in
Mr. Fattie's stable when they were beatin' him up.

I'm sure he doesn't want to
open up that can of worms.

If you know what I mean.
So, let's go celebrate.

Maxwell! Oh, no.

Maxwell... Hi.

Maxwell, what was that
case you were handling...

the beginning of last summer, around
June, some kind of a smuggling operation?

Snyder-Bernstein. The
diamond smuggling thing. Yeah.

I just couldn't read what I'd
written down. Oh, I got the file here.

You want me to pull it? No, that's okay. We
had lunch together and discussed the case.

That's all. "La Maison
Faire." What's that?

It's a very expensive French
cuisine in Beverly Hills.

Oh? Sounds terrific.
Gotta take it in sometime.

You did. You were with
me. That Bigsbey character...

is actually having
me audited... Me! Oh!

- I'll bet it was
the Cuban cigars.
- What?

- Nothing.
- I cannot believe that a
federal government employee...

would actually do this to a
coworker... it's despicable.

Yeah. Well, remember.
You get a call from the I.R.S.,

you and I had lunch,
discussed the case.

Well, I'll try. I don't know.
It's kinda fuzzy, um...

Uh, when did you say
it was supposed to be?

- Maxwell...
- Please?