02x02 - Operation Spoilsport

[bunniefuu]

♪ Look at what's
happened to me ♪

♪ I can't believe it myself ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm up
on top of the world ♪

♪ It should have
been somebody else ♪

♪ Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flying away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Just like the
light of a new day ♪

♪ It hit me from
out of the blue ♪

♪ Breaking me out
of the spell I was in ♪

♪ Making all of my
wishes come true ♪

♪ Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air ♪

♪ I never thought I
could feel so free ♪

♪ Flyin' away on a
wing and a prayer ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

♪ Who could it be ♪

♪ Believe it or
not it's just me ♪

- Hey, Jensen.
- Hey, Crenshaw.

- Did you sell your car yet?
- Did I sell my car yet?

I got brand-new tires,

I got the wheel alignment,
I got new shocks.

I am buying that
car, I'm not selling it.

Captain, Captain I've
got a situation here.

We've got a Titan coming
up on pad three, sir.

It's gotta be a short,
sir, it's gotta be.

If we were attacking
the Russians,

we'd be on the
24-hour alert clock.

- Shut the hell up, Sarge.

- I'm just saying, sir, that...

- We've got a bird
out there that's gonna

take off in 60 seconds.

Where the hell is the
code book, Crenshaw?

Smitty, aren't you
supposed to count it down?

All right, let's get on
correct procedure here.

- You are now...
- This is Captain Riley

at Twin Palms, get
me General Stockard.

- 15.
- Now!

- Sir?
- Minus 57.

- Sir, do you want me to
check the computer feed?

Maybe we just have a
junction box that's cooking.

This couldn't be
a full-scale code,

it just couldn't be, sir.

- Yeah, check the east tunnel.
- Yes, sir.

- General Stockard...
- All right, guys, move it!

- 47, 46, 45.

- Stockard.
- General Stockard.

Code Red, 1658, priority one.

We have a situation, sir.

We've got a Titan that
just came out of the ground.

- T minus 36,

35.

- The target for this
bird is Leningrad, Russia.

We're at T minus
34 and counting.

- Well, hit the overload, now!

- Hit the overload.

- Dead.

- Well, hit it again!

- Nothing, sir.

It's going to go in 16.

- Scramble SAC,
we've got a wild m*ssile

set to fire in 13
seconds out of Nevada.

1660 code red, set intercept.

I don't want that bird to
get into Russian airspace!

You got that?

- It's gonna go
up in 13 seconds.

11,

10,

nine,

eight,

seven,

six,

five.

All clear, condition
red is over.

Repeat, all clear,
condition red is over.

- It shut down, sir,
it just shut down.

We're okay.

- What's going on, sir?

I thought the
computers were failsafe?

- Riley, I'll get back.

I told them that system stunk.

I told them not to go
for this, we're locked in!

In 24 hours that damn
thing is going to fire

a full complement of
missiles at the U.S.S.R.

I can shut down one.

How do I stop this?

In 24 hours we
start World w*r 3.

There's no way to stop it.

- Look, honey, come
down here on Friday,

you spend the weekend
with me then you

fly back up to San
Francisco on Monday.

- I don't know how I
can make it, Ralph.

We're doing interrogatives
all through the weekend.

- How long is this case
going to last, Pam?

I hate having you up there.

I cannot afford a
commuter romance.

Try and make it down
if you can, alright?

- You know I will, babe, bye.

- Bye.

Yeah.

You owe 50 cents on your

long distance call to Palmdale.

- I wasn't speaking to Palmdale,

operator, I was
calling San Francisco.

50 cents, please.

- I was talking to San
Francisco, operator.

If you don't pay, we'll
bill the other party.

- You guys got a
terrific system there.

Hi there,

you're on the air
with Elmer Dills.

Elmer, I wanted to

tell you about a
favorite place of ours,

the Burrito Brothers
over on Slosson.

- Hey, yeah, I know it.

It's on Slosson,
near La Cienega.

The last time I went
there the service was...

Well, a little bit slow,
the food ordinary.

- Hey, come on, Mr. H,
you just cut in front of me!

Yo, Jose, you cut me off there!

- No, no, no, no.

Tony, you broadsided me!

- That's alright, no
damage, no damage here.

- What are you talking about?

You ruined my left
rear quarter panel.

- Man, that's not ruined.

That's, you know,
that's an improvement.

Come on, it's custom by crash.

It looks nice, it
looks nice, look.

- Where did you get this thing?

- Hey, this ain't a thing.

What we have here is
the Villacana Piranha.

The fastest set of wheels
this side of L.A. river.

- Hey, can't we
change the radio station

and get this guy to
stop talking about food?

I'm on a diet.

- Hey, this is built for
speed, no frills, alright?

- That means the
radio's broken, right?

Stuck on this station.

- You don't happen to have
insurance for this thing, do you?

- Of course, not, man.

Listen, this is a lean,
mean, racing machine, man

and we're in business
to make money,

not waste it on insurance.

- What business?

- You know that guy that
lives under the bridge?

- The guy who lives where?

- See this guy, he's
got this stripped down

coupe with a flat head blown.

He hangs out under the bridge

and he drag races dudes at dawn.

Now, if you win,
you get his car.

But if you lose, he gets yours.

But we're going
to take a bite out of

his behind with the
Piranha tomorrow morning.

- Dig it, and we
don't take prisoners.

- Yeah, Tony's
gonna use the Piranha

to win cars off of guys and then

we're gonna open
up a used car lot.

Villacana's Used
Cars, we're gonna call it.

- That has a nice,
clean ring to it.

- Yeah, no kiddin'.

- No offense, Tony, but I
think you'd make more money

with this if you rented it
out as a deep sea angle.

- Looks slow, don't it?

But under the hood,
Paco, if you will.

We have pure, raging trouble.

- I don't believe it.

- Relieved, ported, blown,
we run this car on jet fuel, man.

This car's gonna
burn up the pavement.

- Hey, Tony, can't
we get this guy

to stop talking about olives?

I'm starving already.

- Yeah, I got it, I got it.

Passenging on you, buddy.

- Hey, come on, Tony, let's
go get something to eat, huh?

I'm really hungry.

This request is

for Ralph from
your star admirer.

♪ Wonder when
things got so bad ♪

♪ Oh, but what happened
to the world we had ♪

♪ Well we used to be the... ♪

This is all news radio.

Palmdale.

Coming to you by way of...

Broadcasting from Palmdale.

- Palmdale?

What could possibly be
important in Palmdale?

- Bill, don't you
remember the last time

we were out in the
desert just before

the spaceship came
down and gave us the suit?

The radio went on the fritz.

Well the same thing
just happened to me, Bill.

Now, I'm telling
you, I'm getting some

kind of a message here.

I'm picking up
Palmdale radio stations

which are impossible to
get here in Los Angeles.

And the song, The Eve of
Destruction was dedicated to Ralph.

- I can't do anything
about it now.

I'm going to catch
hell for walking out in

the middle of a weekly
staff meeting as it is.

You got no idea what we're
going through around here.

Since Carlisle's
been put in charge

he's been coming on
like Bigfoot's ugly brother.

- Bill, don't tell
me you're still

afraid of that
spaceship, come on!

- Afraid?

Me?

What, of little green guys?

Come on, give me a break.

- Well, listen, pick me
up at my house later.

I gotta get my
car fixed, see ya.

- Since I took over this section

there's been some grumbling.

Okay, as of this second we
are belaying all grumbling!

Any agent who doesn't like
the new dress code can lump it!

The first step in being
sharp is looking sharp

and we are going to sparkle.

Is that very clear?

Hi, Bill!

Gee, I'm glad you found
the time to get back.

Hope we didn't pull you away
from anything too pressing.

- No, it was just some
guys from the CIA

needed a little update
on one of my cases.

Please, carry on, Mr. Carlisle.

- Ah.

That's one gig, Maxwell.

Dress code violation,
white socks, brown shoes.

- Well, what's the
matter with brown shoes?

- Two gigs.

- Oh, I get it, one
gig for each sock.

- No, one for the socks,
one for the haircut.

- Thanks, Carlisle.

- I am taking
this very seriously

and I think it's about time that

the rest of you people
got the picture fast!

It is no longer
enough to be efficient,

we are going to look efficient.

When we walk into a
scene they are going

to be able to pick
us out of a crowd.

- You got my light cruiser.

- That's another thing.

There will be no
playing battleship

during the staff meetings!

You two are on report.

Who's got the Ratner case?

- Um, yeah, Ratner, Charles W.,

computer expert,
missing last three days.

Missing persons report filed
by girlfriend Nancy Benson.

Apparently he was
forced into a car outside

the UCLA computer center,
some kind of weird genius.

Yes, sir, I'm on it.

- Of course, you
have the file with you?

- Well, as a
matter of fact, I do.

It's right here, sir.

- I'll take that, this
case is no longer active.

- What do you mean
it's no longer active?

The guy's still missing.

- Military intelligence took
it off the board this morning.

- Military intelligence?

This guy isn't in the military.

- Hey, this came down from
Washington this morning.

Need I say more?

- Yeah, but I mean
they can't uh...

- Yes?

- It's not their
jurisdiction, it's ours.

- We have been
outranked on this one.

Ratner, Charles W., is
no longer our problem.

You want to stand here and argue

about this with me, Maxwell?

- This stinks, I hate this.

- Be very careful, Billy.

You're about to lose
more than a light cruiser.

- Yeah, but what's
going on, don't you care?

- How's it going, Jensen?

- Be careful Captain, I've taken

the cowlings off all
these junction boxes.

- How much longer
is it going to be?

- Sir, I'm working
as fast as I can.

Everything is hot,
please stand back.

Please, watch 68 for me.

I think that I can
disconnect this thing.

- Okay.

Sergeant Jensen is dead!

Send down a stretcher.

I'm headed for tunnel eight.

- Well, we've been out
here for a real long time.

I guess it's a no show
for the little green guys.

I guess we might as well
head back for the barn.

Bill.

Look, I can understand
your being scared

of that spaceship,
but who wouldn't be?

- Wait a minute.

Who said I was scared?

Give me a break!

What are you talking about?

I'm not...

- Oh, come on, man,
you're scared to death!

- No, I'm not, um,
what I am is I'm uh,

I'm nailed to the
side of my desk

by this Carlisle
guy who is trying

to make the whole
place look like

an ad out of
Gentlemen's Quarterly.

Giving all our cases over
to military intelligence,

letting guys get
away with m*rder.

- Did you see that guy?

- What guy, where?

- Boy, he looked dead.

- Dead?

That's a pretty quick
diagnosis, doctor.

Shouldn't we have
a second opinion?

- Look, there he is again!

Did you see that guy?

Bill, Bill what are you doing?

Bill, would you talk to me?

- Out, out, out, out!

Alright, I'm warning you.

You come any closer
you're a dead man.

- He's already dead, Bill.

- A m*ssile system
called Spoil Sport

activated eight hours ago.

This system, once turned
on, cannot be shut off.

In 16 hours it will
launch a complement

of 30 missiles at the U.S.S.R.

Those missiles
cannot be disarmed.

You must find a way to
stop this from happening.

You're the only one that can

save the world from destruction.

If you fail this planet
will simply turn to dust.

- Uh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, come back!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa
let him go, Ralph.

That's it, we got
the message, okay?

Message received,
let's get out of here.

- Bill.

- What are you doing?

- We need more information.

We can get the instruction book.

- Let 'em go, Ralph, come on.

- Hey, come back here!

Hey!

I need more information!

Where's my instruction
book for this suit?

- I guess they didn't
want to be followed.

- Nothing.

There must be some
kind of a force field that's...

What in the world is
Operation Spoil Sport?

- It's one of those
programs that you sort of

heard about and you
didn't want to believe it

could really exist, but
you knew it did anyway.

Because it was just
crazy enough to be real

in spite of the fact it
shouldn't be, but it is.

Is what it is.

- Come on, Bill.

Would you pull
yourself together alright?

I mean, we have a
big job ahead of us.

And if you're gonna
spend the next 16 hours

in a trance, we're not going to

be very good to anybody, are we?

- Yeah, okay, right.

Operation Spoil
Sport was designed

to activate all
by itself in case

the United States
lost World w*r 3

and there was
nobody left over here.

About 30 missiles are held back,

they're not used
in the conflict.

They fire the next
day by computer.

The Russians are still
trying to dig out of the rubble,

our last 30 nukes
come sailing over,

catch 'em by
surprise, wipe 'em out,

win World w*r 3, for
the good old US of A,

that's Operation Spoil Sport.

- They sure picked an
appropriate name for it.

- Nifty, huh?

- What kind of a sick mind could

think of something
like that, Bill?

After a nuclear w*r,
what's there left to win?

The whole planet is a
radioactive ball of mush.

- Kind of goes against
the old American

tradition of fair
play, doesn't it?

- That's sick.

- It was built in the '50s.

- That's sick!

Everybody was
running around crazy,

scared to death, the
Cold w*r was real popular.

- Why do you guys
give us this junk?

We don't know
where the computer is.

We don't know
how to shut it off.

We don't know
who in the military

is working on this problem.

How are we gonna
stop this, Bill?

- Ralph, cool it.

Will you just calm down?

We gotta think.

- In 16 hours, 16
hours, Bill, you count it,

30 nuclear missiles
are going to fire.

- 16 hours.

- Okay, we gotta go to my house.

We'll have a scull session.

We will work out our um...

- Scenario.

- Our plan.

- Much as it pains me
to bring this up, Ralph,

you're going to
have to fly me out

of here the old-fashioned way.

- Come on, Bill, you
know what happened

the last time we tried that.

- Yeah, but the time before that

you were really startin'
to cook, come on, now.

- Bill, I don't know...

- We are not going
to let this country

fire the first missiles
and start a w*r.

It goes against tradition
and honor and all that stuff

and in spite of
that, I don't like it!

Now, turn around
and let's get going.

What are we supposed to do

with the car,
just leave it here?

- We'll send somebody back.

You almost got it, you got it!

Oh, no!

- I think we did
much better that time.

- This isn't working, Bill.

This could take all night.

- It's still too far to walk.

Come on, let's go.

- Oh, thank you, thank you.

- Try to crash on my
other hip next time.

Here we go.

- Boy, I hate to say it,
Ralph, but you are a disaster,

a genuine,
card-carrying disaster.

- Yeah, this coming from
feet through your duty Maxwell,

who's cowering in the
car afraid of green guys.

- I am not!

- You are too!

- Hold it, hold it, sir, sir!

Hello?

Please, will you
give us a lift, please?

Our car's broken down.

This is a Federal Bureau of

Investigations
business, right here.

- Don't you say it!

- Yo, chicken fat.

- You want to race or what?

- Rhonda, let's do it.

- Yeah.

- Let's do it!

- Okay, now, don't forget
to get your tickets early

because every night's
been a sellout so far.

Circus of the Stars, remember.

My friend does all
the high wire work.

Have a nice day!

What the heck is going on?

Looks like the third reel
of Rebel Without a Cause.

- Tony must be
drag racing the guy

who lives under the bridge.

- The guy who lives
under the what?

- What are they doing
racing on my block?

My neighbors are going
to get together and k*ll me.

- Ralph, in 12 hours, if you
want to get your neighbors

together you're going to
have to use a vacuum cleaner.

- Rhonda's babysitting Kevin.

I bet you Tony
brought this circus over

so she could watch him win.

- Okay, now will you get
inside, get some clothes on?

And I'll commandeer
a set of wheels.

Ralph, disappear.

- Oh.

- So, uh, when the
flag drops the bull stops.

Now Villacana, let me take
this heap off your hands.

On the other hand, let me.

FBI, pal.

- Oh.

What are you doing here?

- I saw that
performance, it was pitiful.

Now you want this
pink slip back or not?

- Yeah, sure.

- Okay, Harry, shut
it down will you?

- What the heck's going on?

- You got an awful lot
of violations here, Harry.

I don't want to see you
lose this, it's too pretty.

- What happened, T?

Oh, man!

- Oh, uh, Mr. H.

This is uh, this
is a benefit race.

- Aren't you supposed
to be with Kevin, Rhonda?

- Right.

- I'll call you as
soon as I can.

- Alright, Mr. H.

- Okay, alright, that's it.

Give me the other
guy's pink slip.

- But, sir, that's my car.

I just blew it
off the road, sir.

- Give me the pink slip.

Ralph, you drive.

This piece of junk will
get us as far as the office.

We'll pick up a
proper set of wheels.

Villacana, out!

- Yeah, but you said...

- Get out, take a hike!

- Come on, Tony.

Come on, we'll
get it back to you.

What are we going
by the office for?

- It's a new wrinkle
in the scenario,

I'll brief you on the way.

- Gentlemen, gentlemen!

We're in a yellow
alert and going into red.

Air Force One is in the air.

- We don't have a choice,

we've got to notify
the Soviet Union.

It's a risk, but we
need their help.

- Okay, then why don't
we just give them a ring?

Tell them a nuclear
strike is headed their way.

- SAC is up!

Now if we can get the
Russian planes in the air

maybe we can sh**t
the missiles down!

- Maybe.

Maybe, if we had some idea where

those missiles are coming from.

That was the whole point
when they set this system up.

It's a computer feed
and the system scans

for any m*ssile leftover
after a final strike.

But our silos are full,
gentlemen, and that computer

is going to pick those
missiles at random.

- We have to have
a recommendation

to the President, General.

- You want a recommendation?

We can't shut that system down.

We fire a full-strength
preemptive attack.

- That's w*r!

You're talking about starting
World w*r 3, for God's sake!

- No, Admiral, I'm talking
about finishing World w*r 3.

It started 10 years
ago and we're losing!

Cuba, Hungary,
Afghanistan, Poland!

We send over a handful of
missiles with our apologies.

You think they're going
to bill us for damages?

They're going to counter
with everything they've got.

We've lost every advantage
of a surprise attack.

You've got to hit
first and hit big!

Or lose.

- Isn't there a way to shut
Spoil Sport's system down?

I'm trying everything
I can think of.

- Try setting it off in drive.

- So, that's the plan?

I mean, just because
military intelligence

takes a particular
case away from you?

What does that prove?

- Ratner, Charles W.,
is a computer expert

who gets kidnapped
at the same time that

a computer is going
haywire and military

intelligence snaps
the case away from us?

You tell me.

Okay, it's a hunch, but
it's the only one I got.

- Bill, assuming that
you're right and you go

punch Ratner's name in
on the computer up there.

What's that going to do?

- Well, to ask our
computer a question

I've got to punch in
my own name and

my clearance, all
computers are connected.

So someplace in
military intelligence there's

a computer screen gonna
know I'm poking around.

I promise you within
an hour I'll be sitting in

my living room, nice, there'll
be a knock on the door.

- Right and voila, they grab you

and they take you
to the guy who's

in charge of trying to
deprogram Spoil Sport.

We're working from the inside.

- Yeah, if it works it'll
save us a whole lot of bull.

I don't know what else to do.

We gotta get on the inside,

and we've gotta find
that Spoil Sport computer.

- Bill, I look a little bit
conspicuous sitting out here.

What do I do if a cop drives by?

- Ask him if he wants
to race you for pink slips.

- Always time for levity.

Pink slips.

- Okay, Arnold.

This one is for the
house and the car

and whatever is behind
door number three.

Purple, huh?

Oh, I didn't know
we had a purple code.

And our special
request lines are open.

This one goes out
to Ralph from a friend.

KPTZ and the hits
just keep coming.

♪ Wonder when
things got so bad ♪

Captain we have a C1
security breach here.

Isolate and contain,
priority alpha.

♪ Oh and what happened
to the world we had ♪

♪ Well we used to be the cream ♪

♪ Welcome all we see ♪

♪ No matter who you be ♪

- I'm doing the best I can!

♪ People used
to see their face ♪

♪ Oh, but now we
sh**t from space ♪

- Don't be smart.

♪ Relegated to newsflash ♪

♪ People turn to ash ♪

♪ Never knowing
when they're home ♪

♪ Oh, guess you're on your own ♪

♪ Brother, you're not alone ♪

♪ I can't stop ♪

♪ We can't stop ♪

♪ You can't stop ♪

♪ The end of the world ♪

♪ I can't stop ♪

♪ We can't stop ♪

♪ You can't stop
the end of the world ♪

- Ralph, they just bottled me
up, it's going like clockwork.

Are you nuts, Bill?

I'm stuck in this elevator!

- Get out of there,
you have to follow me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, take it easy, boys.

Um, the ID is right here.

What's going on,
what's happening?

What's happening?

Hey, well, I gotta
tell you guys,

I hate fraternity initiations.

♪ All alone a man can stand ♪

♪ A nation's
people standing by ♪

♪ Never looking at their own ♪

♪ Oh, peace starts at home ♪

♪ Brother you're not alone ♪

♪ I can't stop ♪

♪ You can't stop ♪

♪ The end of the world ♪

- Bill.

Bill, Bill!

♪ We can't stop ♪

Bill!

♪ You can't stop
the end of the world ♪

Ratner, Ratner, Ratner,
Charles W. Ratner.

Ratner, uh, 1616 Spring Street.

- It's cute, but it needs a hat.

- Give me a break, alright?

- I'm coming, just a sec.

Okay, alright I'm coming.

Oh boy.

- I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to do that.

I didn't mean to do that.

Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I know this looks kind of silly.

I'm

I look kind of silly, alright?

But I'm going to ask
you to bear with me

for a minute because I
need your help, Nancy.

- Yes, of course you do.
- I need your help.

- Uh, look, maybe you
should just go down...

- Listen, what I'm
going to ask you

is going to sound
kinda crazy, alright?

- No.

- It's going to sound crazy.

- No, no, it won't,
it won't because

I don't believe in
crazy and anything

you want to do is fine with me.

- I want you to listen to
me for a minute, alright?

- Oh, please don't hurt me!

- Listen to me, please.

Now I'm working in
conjunction with the FBI

on a top secret mission
for the U.S. government.

- The FBI?

- Yes, the FBI.

- I like the FBI.

- Good.

- I really, truly do, I'm
not a radical or anything

and if you say
you're with the FBI,

well that's enough for me.

- I don't have time to, listen,

don't humor me, alright?

I'm telling you the truth.

- The truth is a very
important thing and I know

you're telling me the truth
because you look very truthful.

- I look ridiculous, alright?

Now come on, hang
in with me, okay?

I'm not going to
hurt you, Nancy.

- You promise?
- I promise.

Now listen, I need some
of Charles Ratner's clothes.

I understand that
he used to live here.

- Okay, they're over there.

- In the closet?

- It's a good place.

You can take anything you want.

You can even have my dresses.

- When I touch
something I get vibes

from the people that
have worn the item.

- Oh?

You wear clothes beautifully.

- Did he wear a hat?

Hats usually give me my
best mental impulses from hats.

Nothing.

How long ago did
he wear this hat?

- He never wore it, that's mine.

Feel free to keep it, though.

It looks terrific on you
and it goes with everything.

- I can't take it, I can
feel myself slipping.

Everybody treats me
like some kind of a bug.

I don't know, maybe
I'm being selfish.

But nobody else
knows what it feels like.

I mean, when they
gave me this suit

nobody told me anything
about saving the world.

How do I do that?

- I'm sure you'll
think of something.

- What if I don't?

What if I don't?

What if I don't?

I mean I should just
take my kid and I should,

I should fly away
somewhere, just fly away.

I don't even know
how to fly very well.

How am I going to
stop World w*r 3, huh?

- I'll make some coffee.

It's decaffeinated,
you'll like that.

And then we can talk about this

and we'll work out
this problem of yours.

- Wait a minute, I'm
getting something.

It's coming from the computer.

- Oh, that's nice.

- You've got to
let me defuse this.

It's too late.

- Twin Palms, I've gotta get
to Twin Palms military base.

- Can I get you a cab?

- Do you mind if I take a
rain check on the coffee?

- No, that's fine.

Okay.

I'm sorry about the door.

♪ Some people
are born for battle ♪

♪ Saturday night like
to raise some Cain ♪

♪ Me I was born for comfort ♪

♪ I like the pleasure
not the pain ♪

♪ Gimme a four part movie ♪

♪ Gimme a book
and an easy chair ♪

♪ I don't need
this kind of abuse ♪

♪ Take me home and leave there ♪

♪ I'm no hero ♪

♪ I'm no hero ♪

♪ I'm no hero ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ I'm no hero ♪

♪ I'm no hero ♪

♪ I'm no hero ♪

♪ No, no ♪

- Please, sir,
you've gotta hold on

for a second and listen to me.

This whole thing was a
setup, a scam, a put on,

just to get me inside to
meet one of the top brass.

I had no idea it was
going to be Jerry himself.

I served under
you in Korea, sir!

You can't do this, please!

You, oh no.

- Be about a minute.

- Do agents in
your bureau make it

a habit of disobeying
orders, fella?

You didn't learn that
under my command!

The Ratner case was off limits.

- It was the only way
I could figure to get

to you or to whoever
was in charge here.

I got a way to stop
these missiles firing!

- So do I.

- Huh?

You do?

- Of course.

The main computer's right here.

Charles Ratner is
here, I kidnapped him.

I used him to
transfer control of

the Spoil Sport
system to this bunker.

You don't get it, do you?

I'm pushing the buttons.

I'm the one who
started all this.

- Why, what for?

- Well just measure the
square miles the Russians

have put on their map
since World w*r 2.

Measure the square
miles since Korea.

Little by little we're
getting taken over, Maxwell.

Hell's bells, soldier,
you've gotta know

the only way to stop
them is to finish them off!

You don't reason with a
cancer cell, you excise it.

- Yeah, but,

no.

- Now it's not as bad
as everybody thinks.

I think the Russians will fold.

We'll let 'em have
everything and they'll fold.

You watch, the American
spirit can win this.

I believe that, soldier.

I really do!

- You're bananas, you're nuts!

You're off the trolley,
you've slipped the track.

You're cr, muh, you're cra...

Oh, no, I'm goin'.

Oh, God.

- Alright, Maxwell, now who else

knows about
Operation Spoil Sport?

- My partner, Ralph.

- Ralph.

- Only one that can stop 'em.

- How can he stop the missiles?

- It's a suit, it's ma-magic.

Fly around in the sky.

Alley-oop!

Come on, Ralph, not again.

Splat.

- What the hell is
he talking about?

- Maxwell, Maxwell, how did
you find out about Spoil Sport?

- It's a t-h-e-m, them.

That's a, little, green guys.

A dead guy told us about it.

- How much did you
pump into this guy?

- Less than half
a cc, I don't get it.

- He couldn't be
faking it, could he?

- No way.

- He called me nuts.

I think he's in line
for a padded cell.

- Oh say,

can you see

by the dawn's early light.

That's a hard lyric, I
got the music, though.

♪ It's the end of the world ♪

♪ You can't stop
the end of the world ♪

♪ The end of the world ♪

- Colonel we have an
intruder in the north perimeter.

Bring him in.

- Oh say can you see

by the dawn's early...

- Bill, what'd they do to you?

Bill!

- Hey!

Alright, where you been?

I knew you'd get
here eventually.

- Come on, man, we gotta go.

- Oh, no, not me.

No more Palmdale, no
more little green guys.

No spaceships.

- Bill, we don't have much time.

Listen, I'll be back.

- I'll be here!

Whoa!

♪ Now you see
him, now you don't ♪

Hiya, fellas!

I hate to tell you but
he's right behind you.

Hey!

Hey, Ralph, way to go, blue!

Wow!

Whoa!

I knew you'd do it, kid.

If you just listen to me.

- Yep, where would I be
without your counsel, Bill?

- Yeah, the counselor,
great dame Davidson.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Will you look at that the wall's

moving just as
fast as the floor.

Boy, I haven't felt
this good since Korea.

Did I ever tell you I
caught one in the lung?

They had to give me a shot.

The guy was a vet, it was a big.

It was great, lasts
about a month.

Oh, say can you see by.

Oh, these guys leave
ordnances around everywhere.

- Uh oh.

Bill, Bill.

- Okay, you bums!

- Bill, Bill get down!

- That's right, down...

Oh, I got one
with a bent barrel.

Okay, Ralph, go get 'em.

I got this covered.

17, 16, 15, 14.

- Can you stop this thing?

13, 12, 11, 10.

- I'll never finish the
reprogramming in time.

- Where's the master terminal?

- It's right there.

- Right here?

- Yes, that's it.

Five, four, three, two.

- Did you make it?

One.

- They're going,
Bill, we're too late.

- The computer's designed to
fire the missiles in sequence.

The feed only
went out on this one

before you disarmed the system.

- It'll only take the one.

- You gotta stop it, Ralph!

Don't nobody touch nothing!

Whoa!

I did it.

I did it!

Yow!

- Impounded.

How did the FBI get impounded?

- Listen, Maxwell said he
would do what he could.

- Ah, he did enough.

- Now we don't have any wheels.

- Yeah!

- Good morning, officer.

- You got a bad case
of no muffler, buddy.

I've been watching you bust
eardrums for about three blocks.

- Okay, no problem.

First of all, it's
not my car I'm

just driving it,
federal business.

- Is everything alright?

- Oh, sure, everything's
fine, right pal?

What's that?

- Gee man, it
looks like a citation.

- I know what it is, Rodriguez.

What's the matter
with you, you crazy?

Maybe you didn't get a
good look at that badge.

Suppose I get onto
your captain about your

annual eye examination,
how would that be?

- Why don't you just do that?

Make sure you get
my badge number,

I hate being ranked when
all I'm doing is my job.

- We all know how it feels to be

ranked on our
jurisdiction, Bill.

- Have a nice day.

- Hey, ease up Maxwell,
you know I've been tagged

a hundred times, it
ain't the end of the world.

Paco, the hood, please.

And this comes to you

from 101.9 on your
dial from Palmdale.

And a special dedication
to Ralph just my way

of saying thank you
from you know who.

♪ You saved the day ♪

♪ Sent my troubles
far and away ♪

♪ And I'll live my life ♪

♪ Just to give you
love forever and ever ♪

♪ You saved the day ♪