01x09 - Splinter and April Fight a Goldfish

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on

"Tales of the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles"...

Raph's version of
this story is nuts.

You think me and Genghis Frog
on a snack run during a storm

would be exciting enough.

Just you wait.

The store is being robbed
by the Purple Dragons,

and a mutant eel named Lee
shows up to eat us.

Insane, right?

Lee thought I was messing
with some plan of hers,

which I totally wasn't.

I had to use my improv skills
to save everyone

and keep Genghis
from eating a cat.

Improv for the win!

But now Dad's in trouble...

and not just because
Raph dubbed his voice

to make him sound like Batman.

- Now, listen carefully,

because this is
the most important part.

- Let me guess,
because it's got you in it?

- That's just a coincidence.
[record scratches]

- Dude, you're literally
talking to yourself.

- No, Dad is talking
to me as Batman.

- Do you realize
how insane that is?

- You're just jealous
because this is so good.

- Keep playing.
- But yes.

- Wait, this is the part
where you saved him

from Goldfin, right, April?

- Uh, people remember
things differently.

And really, who saved who,
you know what I mean?

- Yeah, that makes it
sound like you adopted

our dad from a shelter.
- Enough.

It is not important
just because

I saved April and defeated
our enemies single-handedly.

- [whispering]
I believe you, April.

- But it is here
we truly learned

what we were up against
and why.

It was a dark and stormy night.

- It was daytime.
- Yep, I'm leaving.

- Man, Dad, you are
thirsty for attention.

- Fine, but it was
dark and stormy.

- Continues with
torrential rain and winds

buffeting the city, calling it
the storm of the century.

Unconfirmed reports of
sinkholes and cracks

in the streets
throughout Midtown.

[radio crackles]
Wise to stay inside.

- Ah, be it ever so humble,
there's no place like home.

[unsettling music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ One, two, three, four ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

[rats squeaking]

[angry squeaking]

[loud boom]

[rock music]

[rats squeaking]

[water whooshing]

[thunder rumbling]

- [hoots]

- It's been raining nonstop
for four days.

This may be the storm
of the cen...ugh!

OK, you know what?

Storm of the century or not,
I'm done reporting the weather.

- It's raining.

- Yeah, I know.

What are you even
doing outside?

It's not safe.
Go home.

[road cracking]

[car alarms blaring]

What the heck was that?

- A crack, in the street.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[rat squeaking]
- Ah!

- Oh, sweetie, you've never
seen a rat before?

[loud boom]
[squeaking]

[screams]
I've never seen that many rats!

[screams]
Help!

- The sewers must be flooding.

[gasps]
Oh, no, the turtles.

Splinter.

- [humming]

♪ ♪

Hmm?
Ah!

[rats squeaking]

You nearly gave me
a heart attack.

[rats squeaking]

[groans]
I told you not to do this.

You can't come here.
My boys don't know about this.

[phone ringing]

Ugh, someone is calling.

You have to go.

Uh, um,

uh, maybe this.

That?

[groans]
Aha!

- Splinter?

- April O'Neil, did you see?

I made Donatello's
computer work.

It's much more complicated
than my tablet, you know.

- Can you hear me?

The signal is terrible
right now because of the storm.

Are you OK down there?
Where are the turtles?

- I sent the boys out
with their cousins.

- Wait, you sent them
out into the storm?

- Not all of them.

Some of them went
deeper into the sewers.

- That's even worse!

- It's good for them.

See, I'm no longer
a helicopter dad.

I'm a carefree
modern father now.

Is there
something else you need?

I have stew on the stove.

- The sewers are flooding.
I don't think it's safe.

- To think I'd live
to see the day

when a human
was concerned for me.

But it's fine.

The sewers have flooded
many times before.

- I saw, like,
actual rats legit evacuating.

Not that you're
not an actual rat.

You know what I mean.

- The sewers are my home.

I would never leave them.

- [sighs] Look, the storm's
only going to get worse.

I'm coming to get you.
- Do not worry about me.

I am fine.
Go home and stay dry.

I have to get...

- Splinter?
Great.

Guys, I think you should get
Splinter out of the lair.

[groans]
Stupid storm.

Someone has to go down
there and get him.

- [whistling]
Whoa.

Boys, are you back already?

Ray...Ray Fillet, is that you?

[chuckles nervously] Ah,
an old man and his imagination.

Oof!

[rock music]

- I ain't your imagination,
old man.

- Hi-ya!
- [groans]

[rock music]

- Yaah!

- What is happening?

[groans]

A mutant.
[both grunting]

Enough.

Stop that.

Who are you?

- Hmph.

- [grunts]

[panting]

[unsettling music]

♪ ♪

Fish?

Angry Goldfish?

Phew.

- Splinter!
- [shouts]

You scared me half to death.

What are you doing down here?

- Me?
What about you?

The water is up to your tail.

I came to get you out.

- You don't understand.

There's a goldfish in here.

- Oh, I get it.

You know, I had a
pet guinea pig once.

You can bring him with us,
but we got to go.

You need to, like,
pack a bag or something,

grab a toothbrush?

- The goldfish is real.

It's not safe in here for you.

- You know, my Guinea pig
was real, too.

Listen, this place
is going to flood.

- It could still
be in the lair.

- I'm not going without you.

- I am not leaving my home!

- Splinter, everybody
loves you guys now.

You...you don't have
to be down here.

- Go back up to the city
with the boys,

where it's fun and exciting,
with your parties and friends,

if that's the lingo these days.

- Yeah, the words
"parties" and "friends"

remain pretty universal.

- Everything good that
has ever happened to me

has happened here
in the sewers.

I will not leave.

- Is this about your goldfish?

- No, I think he's gone.

Ah!
- [cackles]

- What is that?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

What the heck?

[shouts]

- Stay out of the water.

- You think?

- Ha!

- [grunts]

- [groans]

- Splinter, watch out!

- Yah!

Bah!

- [shouts]

Oh, we did it.

Even though I don't know
what we actually did.

What is this thing?
- I have no idea.

- Dude, let's...let me out!

Hey, that's really loud.

There's a mean echo in here.

Ah!

- I think we're good there.

[dramatic music]

Hmm, you just had an
aquarium lying around.

- It was the boys'
when they were little.

And I was right to keep it.

See how useful it is?

- OK, hoarder.
[clears throat]

Hey, excuse me,
talking goldfish,

what...like, what's your deal?

Where'd you come from?

Are you one of
Superfly's mutants?

- The name's Goldfin,
not "talking goldfish."

- Goldfin.

Wait, do you watch a lot of
James Bond movies or something?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, those...those
are good movies.

Now tell us who you are.

Why did you attack us?

What do you want?

- Fine.
You want me to talk?

I'll talk.

I got all the time
in the world.

And our world was
a magical place,

a world you call
the East River.

It was beautiful,
filled with wonder.

All of us were safe there
around the pearl.

For me and my partners,
this was our home.

[loud boom]

Until the sky fell.

♪ ♪

- [gurgling]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- But our nightmare
was just beginning.

Whatever that thing was,

it did something to us.

It changed us.

And we became
the East River 3.

- This is incredible.

Could you say that all again
just so I can record it?

It's fine. Sorry.
Um...

So wait,
the machine that turned

Superfly into Superduperfly
transformed you into mutants?

- We've been like this
for a few months,

trying to make a life
for ourselves.

But now we've come to
take back what's ours.

- You're like our second
cousins, maybe once removed.

But we are family.

- Except you got
yourself a home here.

My friends and I need
a place to call home.

We deserve one.

- I don't think
Splinter is going

to give you his lair, bud.

- We got something
else in mind.

That's why I've come
to deliver a warning.

- OK, you do realize you're
the one that's captured, right?

- My friends will come
for me soon enough.

We've already dealt with
one of your hero turtles.

If you don't stay
out of our way,

we'll take out
the rest of them.

- [gasps]
What have you done?

- What we had to.

[loud thud]

- Do you hear that?

It's coming from the tunnels.

It could be the guys.

- April, wait.

Have you never seen
a horror movie?

- Yeah, she's probably right.

You should definitely
go check it out.

- I'll be back for you.

[scraping]

- Wait, what is that?

- I've heard it before, the
last time the tunnels flooded.

It's water.
- What, like a drippy faucet?

[loud bang]

[water rushing]

Oh.
[shouts]

- Ah!
- Splinter!

Ah!

[coughs]

Splinter.

Whoa.

- Act now!

Deals won't last long.
- What the?

- Do you or a loved one have
irritable bowel syndrome?

- What?
No.

What are you talking about?

- If I had to guess, they're
saying you're in deep doo doo.

[dramatic music]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- [groaning]

Um, do you think you guys
could just maybe

tie me up with rope
or something?

You guys are really
kind of gross.

- As seen on TV.

- Yeah, we saw her on TV.

Get over it.

- Why do they sound
like they learned

to talk from commercials?

- Because they did.

We all did.

But Lee and Sally
and me, you know,

we're not, uh, dumb like them.

- Travel the world.

- 15 years they've been mutants

and this dump is the best
they could do?

- Look, just let me go, OK?

You gave your warning.
I'm no threat to you.

- I'm not so sure about that.

I let you go,
you tell everyone about us,

you tell them about
flooding the city.

- No, no, stop.
There's no need to tell me.

And about the
Natural History Museum.

- For real?
You can just shut it, OK?

- You tell them about our
meeting with Bad Bernie

tonight at Pier 21.

- Are you messing
with me on purpose?

I just said I didn't
need to hear that.

I'm not telling
anybody anything, OK?

You don't have to worry
about us, me or Splinter.

- Oh, I'm not worried
about the rat.

He'll be sleeping with
the fishes by now.

- What?
Get out of here.

He did not say that.

- You're just
making this up now.

- No, I am not.
I heard him.

- Didn't you just say
you got swept away?

- Uh, April told me.

- Uh, no comment.

- OK, fine.
What happened next?

- [snoring]

[sniffing]

[coughs]

What?

Where am I?

[thunder rumbling]

Huh.

[rats squeaking]

I told you to stop
doing this, OK?

I'm not your king.

[rats squeaking]

I do not need your food, OK?

You do not have to
present me with offerings.

[sniffs]
That does smell pretty good.

No, no, I have
to get back home.

[rats squeaking]

Look, I don't have
time for this, OK?

My family is...a gift?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Ah.

No, please.

That is just embarrassing.

I'm not your king.

I'm a rat, same as you,

except I can talk and stand
upright and use utensils.

You don't need to worship me.

Look, my friend April,
she's in trouble.

[rat squeaking]

What?
No, not from an alligator.

What alligator?

[rat squeaking]

She was taken by pink blobs?

[squeaking]

- Ah!

Whoa.
Whoa.

- We didn't want
to hurt anyone.

- Kind of seems
like you do, though.

- But we just can't have
you telling people about us

when we're this close
to getting what we want.

- [laughs nervously]
No.

Let's talk some more.
[laughs nervously]

- All done.

- Ah!

Wait.

- Uh, why?

- Um, what's with the raincoat?

I mean, you're a fish.

Shouldn't you like rain?

- It's a fisherman's outfit.

I saw it on TV.

- That's even worse.

You're a fish dressed up like
someone who catches fish.

I think you've got some
serious issues here,

and we should talk about it.

- You're stalling,
just like in "Moonraker."

I get it.

You're trying to buy some time
so one of your mutant friends

can come and rescue you.

[rats squeaking]

Don't give me that look.

I'm here to tell you,
no one's coming to save you.

- Troubled by pests?

- What?

What is this?

[rats squeaking]

Ah!

- Side effects may include
full-body rash.

- Ah!

- Act now!

- [shouts]

- Member FDIC.

- [groans]
Freddy?

Selena?

Where are you?

[rats squeaking]

- No one's coming
to save me, huh?

Thanks, little man.

[rat squeaking]

- Hi-ya!
- Ah!

- [groans]

- [yelping]

- [echoing]
Goldfin.

You threaten my family,
you hurt my children.

I don't think I want to be
your second cousin.

I'll handle the fish,
my friends.

- Look around.

Your family is gone.

And soon this place
will be too.

You're in my
territory now, rat.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- What you fail to realize
is that this rat,

he's the deadliest rat
there's ever been.

[both grunting]

♪ ♪

- Being a ninja lair,
you'd think

there'd be more weapons here.

[plates breaking]

- h*!

Ha!
- Whoa.

- Ya!
- Ah!

- [grunting]

Ah!

[laughter]

- Whoa.

- Ah!

- Ugh.
- You say you want a home?

Yah!

A home is not just a place.

- [grunts]

[laughter]

- It is not things.

A home is made of memories.

- [grunts]

- Memories you
create and share.

[rousing music]

The people that matter
the most to you.

♪ ♪

Ugh.

[gasping]

- Ha!

- Ah!

- [grunts]

[breathing heavily]

- And that can
never be taken away.

- I feel like I was saying
the exact same thing earlier.

- Probably not a good time.

- Ah!

- [gasps]
April!

[grunts]

[both coughing]

- Thanks.

- I would do anything for my
family, which you're a part of.

- That's really nice.

I...where's Goldfin?

- No, we have to find him.

My boys are still in danger.

- Well, we know where
he's going to be.

- Uh, we do?

- Yeah, he wouldn't
shut up about it.

Something about the Natural
History Museum and the pier.

- Then that is
where we must go.

- What about the lair?

All this water?

- It'll be fine.

There are drains.
It just gets clogged up.

I have a lot of hair.

♪ ♪