02x06 - The S.I.M.M.

[bunniefuu]

Judy: We tried to warn you.

Hints. Bigger hints.

Company-wide e-mails that were
in fact directed only at you.

We even paid for one of those
aggressively large blimps

to fly over your house
for a week.

But unfortunately,
it's come to this.

You're... Fired.

Fired?
You can't be serious!

I've given my nuts
to this company,

Literally.

It's a long story.

Does loyalty
count for nothing?

For years, we had to show you
how to use the copier.

Now we have to remind you
not to use it

Because we're
a green company.

You take forever
to complete a task,

Then need an assistant to
transcribe it from carbon paper.

But mostly...

- It's the a*s grabbing.
- Hmm.

It's a new day at
sebben & sebben

where asses can be
lightly fantasized about

But no longer grabbed.

This is the hardest thing
I have ever had to do,

but we both know it's time.

[ Melancholy music plays ]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Judy: No! No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

I take it back!
You're not fired!

[ Bell rings ]

Well, you got all the way to
the townhouse,

So that's good.
Damn.

Really thought
I had it this time.

You can't pretend fire him.

How are you gonna
real fire anyone else?

By pretending
I'm pretend firing them.

[ Gasps ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Grunts ]

g*dd*mn it, Judy.

I was fine until
he microwaved the chili.

That was just too sad.

What?
I do that every night.

Go through
a lot of microwaves.

♪ Hey! ♪

- Rapping... ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God... ♪
- Imitating fanfare...

- ♪ Who's the girl that saves the world? ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪ - Rapping... ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God... ♪

- Rapping... ♪ oh, my God, oh, my God... ♪
- Hey!

Imitating fanfare...

Bird girl!

CEOs need to be able
to fire people.

It was your father's favorite
part of the job.

But I don't see sebben & sebben
as a company.

That's a good sign.
I see it as a steward.

We give thousands of
employees a reason

to get up in the morning,

or at least tire them out
so they don't have the energy

to get swept up
in global conspiracy theories.

Wah, wah, bullshit.

I'm serious.
You can't swing a cat

Without hitting an employee
that needs to get sh*t-canned.

We're not in preschool.
This isn't a play date.

You and I aren't wearing
performance tights,

grabbing iced-blendeds,

Flirting with the barista
with the nose hoop

then racing to pick up
our fourth grader.

We need you to a real-life
fire someone.

Can you do it?

Sure...
Who?

Someone who has spent most
of their billable hours

Chinwagging
in the break room.

I had no idea
it did that.

You can't see both ways,
right?

You got to fire her.

Jessica from accounting.

Yeah, I can't fire her.

Give me one good reason.

Lots of reasons,
including but not limited to

She's the office
candy person.

Her Thursday candy dish
is legendary.

She never forgets a birthday.
She cares about birthdays.

Did I mention
the candy thing?

It's the only reason some people
come out of their cubes.

You are totally ball-less,
and I know where of I speak.

Again, long story.

Rip the band-aid-brand
adhesive off, Judy.

Without Jessica,
there wouldn't be

Band-A*DS
in the first aid kit!

That settles it.

We got to get you
in the s.I.M.M.

Hey, did you guys
see a curtain close?

[ Cat yowls ]

Your dad's
secret second office.

You could look for a thousand
years and never find it.

Part inner sanctum,
part tickle dungeon.

All man.

He was never less at leisure

Than when at leisure,
or less alone

Than went alone.

The s.I.M.M... Your dad
built it in the '80s

So he had a place to work out
his ceo conundrums.

Every possible
corporate scenario program

for bosses to practice on.

This baby's going to
make you a k*ller ceo, Judy.

S.I.M.M.:
Welcome to the s.I.M.M.

Juice up
and bag your sacks.

It's ceo time.

You know who got next
when Phil played?

Nobody.

Your dad [bleep] Owned
this game.

Continue your last game,
pks?

Steno #3
was taking dictation.

What's she doing?

Uh, a new game.

No, this is the game
my father played.

I'm going to play it, too,

And I'm going to
beat his a*s.

I did not order a floating,
spinning moon lamp in teal.

I ordered a faux gelatin
fruit salad lamp in tangerine.

- Yes?
- I got to go do some

exec training for a few hours.

Mind taking over for me?

[ laughs ]
Wow. Really?

"'Mind taking' over for me?"

To a mind taker?
That's what you say?

Oh, my God, mere, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to...

I'm sh1tting you!

But don't say it again also.

Okay then.

Since I'll technically
be incapacitated,

I need to cede
proprietary rights to someone.

You will be ceo pro temp.
Sign here, here, and here.

Nope. Unh-unh.
Not that again.

Give bith to some
other sucker.

Meeere.

You're the only sucker
I trust.

[ Engine starts ]

[ Engine revving ]

S.I.M.M.:
Welcome to the s.I.M.M.

Let's pick your avatar.

Not a lot of ladies.

When this rig was built,
the only thing

Women were good for was...

Uh, we'll...
We'll create a new one.

Alright.
[ clears throat ]

Alright.

Okay.

Brent?
The name Brent...

- [ siren wails ]
- ...has been formulated for success

By the simulator.

And life.

[ Elevator dings ]

Speak into the mic.
Yeah.

[ Clears throat ]
Everyone.

[ Brent's voice ] Excuse me.

I-I know you're busy,
but may I have a moment?

I know you're busy.

[ Health bar chiming ]

[ Groans ]

Let's try this to get you
into character.

Attention,
ladies and... Perverts.

Ugh.
You're losing them.

Just go with it.
Feel it.

Whoo!
Somebody got laid last night.

Slap some a*s!

[ Squeals ]
My God, the breasts,

The breasts!

Talking to her, Lance,
not you.

[ Normal voice ]
Although yours ain't bad.

Hi-yooo!

[ Brent's voice ]
You've got great t*ts, Lance.

S.I.M.M.: Key to
the executive men's room.

[ Normal voice ]
1,000 points!

And... Ethically ambiguous.

Judy has handed me
the reins again.

I don't want any flack, guff,
bullshit, or static from you.

Open the door
and leave me be.

It's my own
poisoned chalice.

[ Clears throat ]
I have no plans to question,

Impede, hamper, or obstruct

Your constitutionally
mandated responsibilities.

Besides, I have to run
some errands for Judy

Then take
my three-minute lunch.
[ door buzzes ]

Ahh.

I've catalogued every item...
There you are!

...In this office
and know the exact location,

Condition, and scent.

If anything changes,
I shall know.

Sit anywhere you like.

Not there.

Or there.

Mnh-mnh.

Nope.

To the left.

Alright.

Bweeeoooo!

Huh?
So you're not all powerful.

You really shouldn't.

You got a sec?

Nah, kind of busy.

I knew it!
She did want to fire her!

She just didn't have
the guts.

Come on, you.

Please.

[ Engine revving ]

[ Shouting ]
She's actually in there?

[ Shouting ]
Scenario 9!

And she's not doing bad.

Judy: [ Brent's voice ]
Grab a*s, slap a*s.

Grab and slap a*s.
[ women squealing ]

[ Normal voice ] Sorry, Barb.
It's all pretend.

What's scenario 9?

Mergers and acquisitions.
[ slapping, women squealing ]

[ Brent's voice ]
Grab and slap a*s.

Look, uh,
she's tied up in there,

And we're adults,
you and me.

What say we,
meaning you,

Take care of
the little pest ourselves?

If it were up to me,
the candy dish alone

Would be grounds
for termination.

But it seemed important
to Judy.

We should
check with her first.

No! You must never
disturb someone

While they're s.I.M.M.'ing.

We barged in
on her dad once

And he pissed blood
for a week.

Want to see pics?
[ sighs ] Fine.

I'll do it.

But first I want to confirm

That Jessica really
doesn't do anything all day.

How do we do that?

Right.
I'm security.

What are you going to do now,
jfrom?

[♪♪]

[ Telephone ringing ]

Everyone's candy sick!

[ Grunting ]
What about your jobs?!

[ Grunts ]

The candy bowl.
It's laughing at me.

[ Evil laughter ]

[ Sobs ]

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

Judy: [ Brent's voice ]
So get this, I'm in this little

Judy costume, but, you know,
as a 30-year-old

And I have this
ridiculous kid voice on,

And I'm telling him
that he didn't k*ll his parents,

I did!

[ Normal voice ] [ Laughs ]

[ Brent's voice ]
What's my favorite color?

Co-workers: Flesh!

S.I.M.M.: Congratulations.

You've reached level 42,
the boss stage.

Juice up and bag your gas.

It's time to fire someone.

[ Normal voice ] [ Groans ]

[ Brent's voice ] Hey, Tom.

B-b-b-b-b-dog!

Uh, we need to talk.

Want a piece of candy?

[ Normal voice ]
Ouch. Candy.

Hot button.
[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Brent's voice ]
You can do this, Judy, come on.

Who's Judy?

Tom.

I-it's just not...

We're going to have to...

Let you...
[ groans ]

Did I tell you
I just had a baby?

S.I.M.M.: Promotion denied.

Again.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Painting her nails
at her desk

And making a birthday card

With a pop-up thingy!

Ka-thwacking
the toilet seat cover

To make sure it's working!

Uh, are you okay?

I'm better than okay.

I got my man,

And she has got to go.

Gillian!

Jessica!

So nice to see y...

So you want to hear about
frank's divorce

Or Dana's gambling problem?

- ...You.
- You're fired.

[ Chuckles ] Excuse
my eager friend here, but...

[ door opens ]

You're fired.

Since the dog's
out of the bag,

As no one says,

Uh, you are indeed fired.

Oh, I get it.

You're "firing" me?

You almost got me.

Oh, and I saved you
a zagnut

Before the little elves
get their hands on it.

The level of denial's
unbelievable!

You're really fired.

I hope
you don't mind taking...

Don't do that.
...Advice.

But you're new at this,
so I'll do you a huge favor

And allow you to undo
what's going to be

The biggest mistake
of your life!

I'm confused.
Are you threatening me?

She's threatening you.
And she's fired.

Lick your lips.
Do you know who I am?

Do you know what I can do
to this company?

Ooh, ouch.
I think we'll survive

Without mallomar mondays.

It isn't just marshmallow
holding this company together.

You'll see.
You'll all see!

Two's "both,"
three or more's "all."

[ Whispers indistinctly ]
No.

No, not the fireballs.

[ Siren blaring ]
she's taking away
the atomic fireballs!

Announcer: We are aware of
the candy situation

And are working diligently
to address it.

Please return to your offices
and await further instructions.

[ Engine revving ]

Judy: [ Brent's voice ] Oh, wow,
it's a quarter to Brent,

Which means it's party time!

Oh, my God.
The candy is disappearing.

But candy's our reward
for a job well done.

[ Normal voice ]
The importance of candy

In an office setting
can't be overestimated.

- [ Siren blaring ]
- Jesus, Brad, keep it in your pa...

Well, everyone,
it seems Jessica did everything

That powers
an office ecosystem.

Besides issuing paychecks,

She wrote the passy-aggressy
notes about dishes

in the sink,
planned baby showers.

She even rolled Carl
for bedsores.

And...
[ electricity powers down ]

...Seems powered
the entire building

With her under-desk
exercycle.

Beautiful.

You've been tailing her
for six days

And this is news to you?

I got a lot on my plate.

We're going to have to
fill in for her, people.

Payday's coming up.

Paul, can you cover
the social fabric nonsense?

I am
but a humble seamstress.

And can you roll Carl
for bedsores?

Am I authorized to hire a hot
but competent nursing staff

And collect some
fecal samples from him?

Get out.

[ Workers screaming ]

Judy: [ Brent's voice ]
Is this another boss level?

Brent, thank God.
What should we do?

Slap my a*s a couple times.

That always helps him think.

[ Normal voice ] Look,
I think it might be time

For me to go back
where I came from.

[ Brent's voice ]
I'm not like you.

- k*ll Brent.
- Candy.

[ Normal voice ] Oh, boy.
Let's go while we still can.

I don't want to die
in a drape suit!

S.I.M.M.: Key to the executive
men's room!

Co-workers:
k*ll Brent. k*ll Brent.

[ Exercycle cranking ]

Dog with bucket hat:
Here we go.

Is it her "glee" fanfic?

Yes, and every paycheck
she ever earned at this place,

She hasn't cashed
a single one,

And she's been here
10 years.

The second she decides to cash
the checks, we go bankrupt.

[ Electricity powers down ]

[ Exercycle cranking ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

Merlot?

Did Jessica say
where she was going

When she stormed out?
She did mutter something

About the affiliated bookkeepers
and accountants credit union.

- Good [bleep]...
- Looks like I'm going to assburg.

We have to get Judy.

Oh, she's still in
the s.I.M.M.

[ engine revving ]

Judy: [ Brent's voice ]
Uh, what's going on?

You suck at...
At firing people!

[ Normal voice ]
I've heard that before.

The game is winning,
and...

and the only way
to stop it is to

sh*t-can some employees!

S.I.M.M.:
Level 27... club seb.

Enjoy.

Judy: [ Brent's voice ]
This is how guys vacation?

Mere and I went to
the Smithsonian last year.

Ooh-ooh.
Some baby oil

For those rough spots,
baby?

Okay?

Things seem fine in here.

We're executives, okay?

Look, nothing can
touch us in here.

[ Screams ]

S.I.M.M.: Hostile takeover.

[ 8-bit music plays ]

[♪♪]

[ Normal voice ]
Can I go home now?

[♪♪]

There's something wrong
with the s.I.M.M.

Evie: How can you tell?

Hysterical strength!

Oh, my God, Jude!
You okay?

[ Gasps ] She's gone!

Jude's trapped in there.
Swe've got to go after her.S!

And that's all
the exposition you need.

Uh, before we go in,
you should know

This is no place
for a fourth wave feminist.

Now let's go slap some a*s.

S.I.M.M.:
Welcome to the s.I.M.M.

Yeah, I don't think so.

[ Elevator dings ]

Shake your cakes!
[ woman squeals ]

Climb the corporate ladder.

Big swinging d*ck!

[ Growls nervously ]

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Yeah,
we got a problem here.

You got several.

Jessica over loudspeaker:
Good people of Sebben & Sebben.

What's she doing?

Friends, candy lovers,
co-workers,

If you have ever enjoyed
one of my delectable treats,

Do as I ask.

Please walk to
the south corner

Of your office.

Wait.

She's tipping the building.

She's using candy coercion
to tip us over!

Help!

I am mistaken, I am.

Brian: Hey,
is it okay to hang up now?

This is it!
The end of the game.

[ Whispering ] It's a land
beyond the s.I.M.M.

[ normal voice ]
Don't let that close!

Oh. How are we gonna
find Judy?

Oh, I know where she is.

That chard wh*re.

[ Deep voice ] You came.

I've been waiting
for this day for a long time.

You've only been gone
like two hours.

And why are you talking like
Christine baranski?

Because I've earned it,
Meredith.

Jessica over loudspeaker:
Now, please make your way

To the north corner
of your office.

Aah!

[ Grunts ]

[ S.I.M.M. Powers up ]

Sounds fun.

S.I.M.M.: Pick your avatar!

Brian: Not a lot of guys
to choose from.

I do look good in cornflower.

S.I.M.M.: Level one...
Sales & marketing.

Shake your cakes.
Shake your cakes.

Low hanging fruit.

Get ready to go public.

10,000 points!

Best game ever.

I've been working to build
each of you

Your individual
perfect virtual world.

Mere, this is the ranch
you've always wanted.

It's gorgeous, Jude.

I never thought you were paying
attention when I said that.

And Evie, I give you

The teen zone.

For not now,

Because you're but a child.

Evie: What is he doing?

[♪♪]

[ Co-worker screaming ]

[♪♪]

Brian: A a a ah!

Jessica's gone power mad
and is destroying the building.

Evie:
Don't let that close!

[ Groans ]

Ah, Brian, my love,

I didn't forget you.

Todd's?

It haunts me
in my dreams.

Am I the...
Deejay?

Indeed.

And finally, you... wait.

Where's dog?

S.I.M.M.: Fringe benefits.

Now, what's this about
Jessica?

I may have fired her
a little bit.

Uh, then we realized she hasn't
been cashing her paychecks.

Now she's going to cash them
and bankrupt the company.

That's a summary
of events.

Maybe it's okay.

Maybe we let Jessica burn
sebben & sebben to the ground.

I could be doing
everyone a favor

By just shutting
the whole thing down,

Letting go, moving on.

Jude, do you want to save
the company or not?

If I may?
If you don't,

No bills get paid,
the power gets shut off,

The building forecloses,
the s.I.M.M. Shuts down,

And we go bye!

When you put it that way,
I guess we should go back

To the office.
But can we?

Word around the water cooler is
the s.I.M.M. Can't go backwards.

No player's ever done it.

Well, maybe no player has.

Are you saying...
No, no!

She is not saying that.

Bird team, go!

- [ Razor buzzing ]
- [ Imitates fanfare ]

Bird girl: Follow me, guys,
and charlene.

[ Whip cracking ]
Ha! Ha!

[ Cellphone rings ]

[♪♪]

[ n*zi zombie laughs evilly ]

Huh, still had
Nazis in the '80s.

Glad we don't...
[ grunts ]..

Have to deal
with these assholes anymore.

[ S.I.M.M. Beeping ]

[♪♪]

Jessica over loudspeaker:
Now left foot in

And shake it all about.

[ Growls ]

Judy:
Mere, get me Jessica.

If you've ever felt overlooked,
taken for granted, underpaid,

I want you to stand on one foot
and start hopping up and down.

May I help you?

Jessica, there's been
a horrible misunderstanding,

And I'd like to apologize

And increase
your candy budget.

Trish: News happens, and this is
"the Sylvia situation."

In an exclusive update,

The tipping building
has come to a rest,

and the thousands of
employees inside are safe.

Quite the "sky escapers."

- Right, Trish?
- People nearly died, Walt.

Do you have empathy?

Charlie: So after the meltdown,
she went candy shopping,

Had a carafe of Pinot,
then the blowout.

Ah, no wonder
you couldn't fire her.

People's candy rage
nearly destroyed the building.

You still don't get it.
The fire Jessica meeting

Was never about
firing Jessica.

It was a cover so she could
tell me who's angry,

Who needs encouragement,
who wants to quit.

She's never going to cash
those checks, guys.

[ Groans ]
I smell like a g*dd*mn toddler.

[ Exercycle cranking ]
Know what I think?

Why didn't she cash out
one of those checks

And get a decent
pair of shoes?

I think this place
can't be too bad

If we drag our asses
in here day after day.

H.R. Complaints
against "charlene."

He did all this?

- In a sense.
- Brian?

- Yo.
- You're fired.

- ♪ Who's gonna saves the world? ♪
- Rapping... ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God... ♪ - Hey!

-Bird girl!
- Hey!

♪ Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪

Hey! Bird girl!

- Hey!
- ♪ Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪

Hey!
Bird girl!

- ♪ Ultra fierce, and it's all you need ♪
- - Rapping... ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God... ♪

- Hey! Bird girl!
- Rapping... ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God... ♪

- Hey!
- Imitating fanfare...

Bird girl!

Made in Georgia.