02x04 - sh**t from the Foop

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to judycon...
No cameras, no phones.

Welcome to judycon...
No cameras, no phones.

Raffle tickets go in the box.

Sharp objects
go back in your car.

Announcer: Enter now to win
lunch hosted by Bird Cat

Plus the JKS Inspira-Mirror.

Please make your way
to the conestoga room

- For the JKS kickoff speech.
- [ Techno dance music playing ]

- This is great. And I never say that.
- No.

Great would've been if you'd
cleared this with me

before slapping my name
on a random event to make money.

Random event?
It's the JKS Leadership conference

Product line roll out.

- With kerri strug.
- Who doesn't do random events.

Wow, this stuff is
almost perfectly...

- Packaged?
- Retrograde. Who wrote this?

Guiltish.
I've got your voice down pat.

"Oh my God,
who wrote this?"

She said with
a hint of disdain.

[ Music continues ]

Jude, I know technically
we didn't ask your permission

But only because
we didn't have time

to pretend you have
any control over your life.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I feel like I'm being used.

And surprise!
I don't like feeling used.

You are being used,
but you're still in control.

Look, there's
a huge market out there

for feel-good
inspirational crap

and your demo, single
working women ages 32 to 40

with imaginary
gluten allergies,

are open for business.

I guess.
Now get out there

and do exactly
as you're told...

But as yourself.

The way I'm telling you
to be.

Flying is just walking
with sparkle.

You taught me that.

Blame him.

So when people say, "Judy,
what's your secret,"

I say: My JKS power planner with
color-coded affirmation inserts.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Nailed it.

So,
is today the day you...?

[ Sighs ]
This isn't the real me.

Oh, God, no,
that's her riffing face.

The real me doesn't
talk like this.

The real me says I am who I am

even if that me isn't who you
or even I want me to be!

Exactly!

Meredith:
Not now, kerri strug.

And this?
This was written for me!

The real me shoots
from the hip and...

Trusts. Her.

Gut!

[ Woman screams, audience gasps,
glass shatters ]

[ Audience muttering ]

Ding!

[ Fire alarm beeping,
audience screaming ]

I'll take my 100
in cash.

- ♪ Hey! ♪
- [ Rapping ] ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

[ imitating fanfare ]

- ♪ Who's the girl that saves the world? ♪
- [ Rapping ] ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

- [ Rapping ] ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪
- ♪ Hey! ♪

[ Imitating fanfare ] Bird Girl!

Now, that was great.

You just had to do it,
didn't you?

Just had to
whip out your d*ck.

- Fupa.
- Fupa?

The thing you just flicked with
your finger and went "ding!"

What's with
the fire alarm?!

It soaked my swag stand!

Judy flashed her foop.

Jesus Christ.

Can't you keep it
in your pants for 24 hours?

I'm sorry. We've all seen your
pinkie pokin' out to say howdy!

That's involuntary!

Can you sign our fupas?

I'd be delighted!
Somebody loved it.

Charley: Judy,
these are the judettes.

They're super fans.
There are three of them.

They paid a lot of scroogie
for full access.

[ Cellphone ringing
and buzzing ]

I-I gotta take this.

That is the last time
you abuse my muse!

Was it really that bad?

As your best friend,

I know I should lie
to make you feel better.

Aaannnd I guess that's the end
of that sentence, huh?

Nice one, gut. Ding!

Last time I trust you.

[♪♪]

"Find your power.
Find your self."

Hmph. Maybe I could see

what this "working out" fuss
is about.

Giiiilllian!
Can you come install this?

"Only you can do the work!"

Uch! Fine.

[ Grunting ]

Hi, I'm gazela,
your personal power guide.

[ Gasps ]
So pretttty!

It's time to let go
of the old you.

No. I'm scared.

It's okay.
We'll do it together.

I'll start tomorrow.

Say hello
to your future.

[♪♪]

[ Beep, up-tempo music plays ]

No. No, no, no, no!
I'm not ready for music!

Go back!

Wax Judy: You can't Max
your potential

If you're yawning.

Try the JKS sleep assistant.

Nice save with wax Judy.
Where was it anyway?

My passenger seat.
I use it for the hov Lane.

Oh, please,
no duck lips!

Or fish gapes.

Meredith.
Uh, you got a car, right?

With an empty
passenger seat!

Mnh.

Can you, uh,
run me across town?

My isuzu's at the shop.

Uh-huh.
Just, uh, take mine.

Actually, uh,
could you come with me?

I need someone with
your temperament for an...

Emotional situation.

Like an emotional
support animal?

Uh, more like a niece.
Uh...

Not a niece because
I hate my actual one.

Didn't you pinch my a*s
at the harassment workshop

like nine times?

I was role playing!

But, uh, I'm off the sauce now
and... and struggling.

Ughhh. Okay.
I'll take you.

But no talking.
Music or podcast only.

Yeah, yeah!
I'll grab my boombox.

Say your name, and I'll tailor
fitness experiences

Based on your mood
and vitals.

Judy.
[deep voice] Judy.

Judy.
[squeaky voice] Judy.

Judy.
[deep voice] Judy.

Juddddddy.

[distorted voice]
Juddddddy.

Jeeeuuuuuudddyyyyyy.

Jeeeuuuuuudddyyyyyy.

Who am I?!

I'm detecting high variations
in your heart rate.

What's bothering you, Judy?

I feel like my employees
are whoring me out

and I don't have the courage
to tell them no.

Great!
Let's get to work!

Breathe in.

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Whirring ]

[ Cat purring ]

You can exhale.
[ exhales sharply ]

And let go of that feeling
of "I'm not good enough."

It's still there!

Let's sculpt some thighs!

I overcome.
I prevail.

I strive. I win.

I'm not. I can't.
I won't. I don't.

Just say no.

Uh... Why?

It's my catchphrase!

Uh, why?

[ Gulping ]

Ah.

Give it to me straight,
Dr. Andy.

[ Belches ]

Well... It is a tumor.

There's no way of telling yet
whether it's malignant.

We'll know more
after the biopsy.

Why?! Why?!

I'm sorry.

I got you
so you'd outlive me!

Why, God?!

Why are you doing this
to Danny Zuko?!

[ Belches ]
Ugh...

You are a dangerous Goddess

Who isn't afraid
of her own power!

I am a dangerous Goddess

Who will have,
at some point, thighs!

You are sexy, hot,
and smart as hell!

[ Grunts ]

We're gonna need
another ceiling bracket, Hank.

[ Cellphone rings ]

I'm sexy as hell!

[whispering] You're late
for your meet-and-greet.

I need to focus
on the me right now.

Screw those groupies!

Uh, she's still tied up.

Yeah, excuse me. Do I have time
to use the restroom?

No.

[ Gasps ] You're Gillian,
aren't you?

Like, the Gillian.

You've heard of me?

Any true judette
would die to meet you...

The keeper
of Judy's secrets!

[ Chuckles ]
I'm no hero, girls.

Just doing my job
like any other working stiff.

But, yeah,
I know some stuff.

May I ask... is Judy
really a black belt?

I heard she had
a photographic memory.

That's a dirty-a*s lie
perpetuated by our enemies!

Say, if someone were to want
a Hank of hair, Judy's hair,

Where would they go
to get that?

Ladies, in time, all your
questions will be answered.

But first, who wants to hear
Judy's lunch orders?

Really?!
Oh, my God.

Monday...
Tuna melt, fruit cup.

Tuesday...
Enchiladas suizas, no beans.

Beans tear her a*s up!

♪ A long, long time ago ♪

Danny loves this song.
Especially the 47th verse.

Takes me back
to when we met.

Danny belonged
to my drinking buddy, lotto,

so named because he, uh,
won the lotto once.

By the time I met him,
he'd pissed it all away

and was hustling nickels
at the swap meet

With Danny
on the soft shoe.

Not a bad act,
and they were doing okay

until one day
Don mclean's people showed up

With a cease-and-desist.

They tried to find
something else...

"Edmund Fitzgerald,"
"Alice's restaurant"...

But they'd built their entire
act around that g*dd*mn song.

In the end,
lotto couldn't take it.

He died of heartbreak.

Or he would've if the bear
attack hadn't got him first.

Since then, Danny and I
have been our own act.

Right, boy?
[ Danny grunts ]

A a a a a a a a ah!

Man on radio:
Today on "planet money,"

We're talking
all about index funds.

You think
there's a heaven?

After today? No.

They were invent...
[ click ]

[ Somber piano music playing ]

[ Click ]
True story. When he inv...

[ Rapid clicking,
channels changing ]

Ah [bleep] It.
Might as well k*ll myself.

[ Grunts ]

So where do we go
when we die?

"Planet money."

[ Dance music thumping ]

[ Grunting ]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

She's always losing
her retainer,

so I hold onto it for her.

It's a lot of responsibility
but I think I've proven worthy.

- Spit.
- [ spits ]

[♪♪]

Excuse me. That... s-she's
completely booked right now!

[♪♪]

We need to practice
your keynote speech

so people can forget
your kickoff speech.

And we should...
Nay, we must

Use the gynecocratic
groundswell of businesswomen

To springboard a...
Alright!

None of that
will be in there.

I want to thank you.

For embarrassing me
in front of my peers,

for slapping my name on a bunch
of crap nobody wants or needs...

Not you, gazela...
And for proving me right.

I gotta trust my foop.

And it says I need
to spend more time

on JKS the person and less
on JKS the soulless shill.

Paul, can you get Judy a banana
and stuff it in her mouth?

Because from here, it looks like
she's pushing back on us.

I am strong!
I am powerful!

And I make
my own decisions!

[ Gasps ] Your jawline!
It's flawless!

No. More than that.
It's... Actualized.

God, I used to have a chin
that could core an apple

and, God damn it,
I'm gonna have it again!

If we dream it,
we become it.

Ugh!
Shut up, you stupid app.

Don't listen
to them, queen!

It can't hear you!

She hears me better
than anyone in this building.

[ Grunts ]

And you can
get the [bleep] Out.

Ooooooooo, rusted!

Setting boundaries is a healthy
step in the right direction.

You're lucky I did my
hyper-violent exercises

this morning
and I can't fight back.

God, you both
need a banana.

Momma Sherry: Aww, I can tell
you really loved this one.

Is he already dead or we just
planning for the future?

No. No, sir, you do not!

Stillllll with us.

Uh-huh. Well, now's
not the time to skimp.

Dog with bucket hat:
Why? Whyyy?!

Whyyyyy?! Why?!

This feels wrong.
I need air.

Husbands, eh?

So, uh, how long you two
been knockin' boots?

What?! [ laughs ]

No, I-I... [ clears throat ]

No, he's more like
a pervy uncle to me,

You know, with, like,
a me too allegation?

So why have you had
one eye glued to his tuchus

The whole time
you been here?

Trust me... he will
have you for his own.

- Mm-hmm.
- We'll take the cheap one.

I got the mix options
for tonight's party Ken sebben.

We got a Judy problem.

I knew it.
She has been on a tear!

Huh.
She's early this month.

We're going to ignore that
because I need you

on standby in case
she's a no-show for her speech.

Anyone wants
their money back,

there's no one for me
to pin it on.

I am in.

If there's one thing
I know,

it's how to prolong
pleasure for women.

I'm so sorry.

I act out whenever
I'm in the minority.

My therapist calls it
"propping up the male ego."

You should
try it sometime.

We've strengthened your body.
Now let's turn inward.

Let go of the things
that don't serve you, Judy.

You don't have any control
over your life.

I pull the strings!
You're a trained monkey!

[ laughs ]

You have food in your teeth.

You always have food
in your teeth,

and you always will,

And for some reason
it's always Kale.

I want you to fail.

Judy:
Dinner time!

Bird cat:
Hate. Judy. Car. Car.

Gazela:
Now think of those

who light you up
from the inside.

Enchiladas suizas!

Healthy lunch, healthy butt.

One Hank of hair.
It'll grow back.

You are strong.
You are Judy.

We are strong.
We are Judy.

[ Whirring ]

Hank! I need to let go
of what does not serve me!

This is her wide tooth comb.

Oh, and here is her
fine tooth comb.

We used it last year
with a little tea tree oil

when she got lice.

I used to love those
appointments at school

when they would massage
my head and look for lice.

Oh, and here's a birthday
card from her aunt.

Cursive writing.

Judy:
Look alive, judettes!

Let's get you
your laminate's worth.

I need a team meeting
with you two in the board room.

Now!

[ Clunk ]

That's the end.
I undershot it.

I undershot it.

It's fine.
I can do this anywhere.

My power comes
from within.

Oop. If you're headed in,
you might want to give 'er

a couple of door swings
to air things out.

- Oh!
- Mnh-mnh-mnh.

Thank you for admitting

you've been acting
absolutely bat sh*t.

We accept your apology.

[ Clang ]

I-I have a new team who wants
what's best for me, so...

I no longer need you.

Either of you. Two.

Wait.
Are you... Firing us?

Hah! Judy's incapable
of firing anyone.

You know how
it seems like you're done

but you're not quite?

Wait. She is.
She's firing us.

She is.
I overcome.

I prevail. I strive.

Whoa. That's some
good software.

Brian: The originally scheduled
keynote address,

"follow your voice, not mine,"
by Judy Ken sebben,

- Has been canceled.
- [ audience murmurs ]

Please welcome Brian o'brien
"the third" on...

"what we can learn
from 400 years of white men."

[ "Heavy action" plays ]

I'm about to blow your minds
with this take.

Penicillin.
The Philly cheese steak.

"Jumpin' Jack flash,"
the song and the movie.

Coolers with wheels.
Wars. Jam bands.

What do all of these seemingly
disparate things have in common?

They were brought to you
through the artistry

And bold leadership
of the white male.

We are misunderstood.

Our ways, not so mysterious.

But over the next several hours,
I'll share with you

How we became so magnificent

And how you can be
just as good as us.

Almost.

She [bleep] Fired us.

Gazela fired us.

Judy's a dehydrated
bystander.

One big powerade
makes this all go away.

You pushed her too far.
And I pushed you pushing her.

Look. It's my nature
to go too far.

People love that
about me.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Dog with bucket hat:
It occurred to me

I never told you how Danny
and I became friends.

Yes. You did.

I was running a five stack game
in a chop shop downtown...

Augggggh!

I was security.
Danny ran the door.

There was an altercation.
[ g*nf*re ]

By the time
I got to my backup piece,

The room was dead and Danny
had taken one to the chest.

I ran him to my car then
accidentally ran over him...

Don't ask...
Then I raced him to a doc

I heard took cash and
didn't ask a lotta questions.

Dr. Andy patched you up
real good, didn't he, Danny?

You were a good niece to me.
[ line clicks ]

Oof. I am doing more
emotional labor today.

[♪♪]

[ Danny grunting ]

See you in the void,
old friend.

[ Tires squeal ]

[ Engine revs ]

[ Tires screech ]

I can't!
I got too much to live for!

You understand, don't you?

[ Cellphone rings ]

Oh, hey, Dr. Andy.
Not a great time.

Dr. Andy.

Dr. Andy: Listen.
I probably should've

thought of this earlier,
but you know how iguanas

lose their tails
and then they grow back?

Well, what if we just
let this tail fall off

and then, boom,
problem solved?

Oh, you're a horrible
[bleep] Doctor.

Danny boy,
you're gonna make it!

[ Wheels rolling ]

[ Engine revs ]

[ Tires squealing ]

[ Drill whirring, horn honks ]

Weird how every time we have
a drink you forget your wallet,

except for it's not weird
because you do it every time

So it's totally premeditated.
Ah ha ha!

[ Horn blaring ]
Um, isn't that your car?

[ Car alarm blaring ]

Something in my foop
doesn't feel right.

Growing pains.
Hey. Look at me.

You did the right thing.

Those failures don't know
what's best for us.

For me, you mean.

Okay, I know you're
programmed to sound like

we're actually talking,
but that was nuts.

We're so close.

Don't let Meredith
and Charley

claw their way
back into your life

Just as we're about to
commence phase 3.

You can see me!

Data capitalism
isn't tomorrow's problem!

[ Clang ]

[♪♪]

Don't let them claw
their way back in.

Silence the naysayers.
Follow your own voice.

[♪♪]

Are you here
to save us?

Yes!

You have Kale
in your teeth.

You're welcome.

Ouch.

That's right.
It's me. And you.

Our best future self,
together.

Bird cat:
Wake. The [bleep] Up.

You're a monster!

Blame yourself.
You're the CEO.

Look in a mirror!

Oh, not... not this one.

You weren't helping me
find my voice.

You were using me!

I really, finally,
can trust my gut.

Yours, sculpted and rock hard,
is a liar!

[ Grunts ]
I'm nothing like you!

Oh, yes.
Yes, you are!

I'm the part of you
who isn't afraid of success.

[♪♪]

[ Judy grunting ]

[♪♪]

This is bullshit!

Oh, my God. I might actually
have to get a real job.

[ Grunting ]
Paa-shawww.

Shut up
and eat your muffin.

Gazela:
Out of my way!

I have a keynote speech
to give.

Bird girl:
Yeah, yeah, she escaped.

But before she did,
she showed me our future,

and it's, uh, probably best
if you help me stop her.

Bird team, go!

[slurring] Joke's on you.

I was about to
fall over anyway.

[♪♪]

Meredith: Oof. Why on earth did
your dad build this devil's den?

Charley:
Whoa! Nine Bird Girls.

And one chin that can core
a g*dd*mn apple slice!

Shush! [ Sniffs ]
Scented soy candle.

She's close.

You could've
had it all.

[ Zapping ]

But unfortunately, you've
chosen a life of "can't"

With your flabby friends.

I'm just gonna have to
set a boundary with you.

A final boundary.

[ Grunting ]

[♪♪]

Come on!

I can't tell what's real.

If you accidentally sh**t
something in the head,

make sure it's not me.

Bringing us to the 14th century,

something I like to call
a renaissance.

[ Gazela growls ]

[ Audience gasps ]

Ugh! [ Grunting ]

Jks fans...

Today we dominate!

[ Cheers and applause ]

With my leadership,

The world will fall to its knees
before us!

Look at you.

Repulsive, weak bodies.

Weak minds looking to jud...
To us... for answers.

Rise now!

Get off your meaty haunches
and stand as one.

That's fat-shaming!

If you weren't so fat,
I wouldn't exist!

Eh, not so fast.
Cool your talons.

[ Audience jeering ]

You'll never be Judy!

[ Audience jeering ]

We should probably step in
before they k*ll her.

Eh, let 'em
have some fun.

Now, those are
true fans.

[ Monitor beeping ]

Anyone else
love hospitals?

- Oh, God. Is it bad?
- Danny's gonna be just fine!

Dr. Andy,
you magnificent b*stard!

We're, uh... we're gonna
need a ride home.

Dr. Andy,
you magnificent b*stard!

- Hey! Bird Girl!
- - [ Rapping ] ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

♪ Wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪
- Hey!

- Hey! Bird Girl!
- [ Rapping ] ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

- Hey!
- ♪ Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪

Hey! Bird Girl-[ Rapping ] ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

♪ Ultra fierce,
and it's all you need ♪

- Hey! Bird Girl!
- [ Rapping ] ♪ Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God ♪

Hey!
[ Imitating fanfare ]

♪ Bird Girl! ♪

Made in Georgia.