01x04 - We Have the Internet

[bunniefuu]

[thunder crashing]

- Kingdom come

- What is it, Mary Catherine?

Oh!

The building, sister Wilma.

It's alive!

[burping, gagging]

Ahh!

[vomiting]

Okay, well, uh,

can you wrap it up?

'Cause the last thing we need

is more shitty press.

- ♪ Hey! ♪

- ♪ Oh, my god, oh, my god, ♪

[rapping]♪ Who is the

girl that saves the world? ♪

♪ Oh, my god, oh, my god,

oh, my god, oh, my god. ♪

- Hey! ♪

- [imitating fanfare] Birdgirl! ♪

[breathing heavily]

- Okay, how many do we have?

- 1,014.

- How many do we need?

- 2,074.

Ugh. It'll be so much easier

sending them

company-wide memos

when we have the internet.

You know, we could just send

this out Monday,

like when we have the internet.

Then why would we need a memo?

You're up.

I can't turn another turn.

- Oh, yes, you can.

- Oh, no, I can't.

One, two, three, huh!

[up-tempo music plays]

No, you guys.

No psych-up music, not today.

♪♪

[handle whirs]

♪♪

♪♪

[train whistle blows]

Quittin' time!

[cat purrs, meows]

[car alarm chirping]

What do you think Brian

does on a Friday night

- besides trying to find his car?

- Uh-unh.

At just over a quarter-mile,

he's kind of hot.

- Would you ever?

- Um, maybe not.

- Definitely.

- I would.

- Me too.

- But he chews his cuticles, so we'd

- "You'd."

- He'd need to fix that.

Also, he looks like

he has a mini fridge

in his bedroom,

and I struggle not to nighty.

So, yeah, never.

- Me too.

- 2,000. And done!

So, you guys will put one of

- these on everyone's desk and

- Who are "you guys"?

You guys.

[over PA] You guys,

come to my office immediately.

Please.

If you're not busy.

Come on, Mer.

We're gonna have e-mail!

People will be able to use

a winked at, at work!

It's time to modernize

this place!

[plaster thuds]

- You see?

- Yeah, that's a no for me.

I'm going home to binge

a bunch of shows

because there'll be spoilers

all over the joint

once the flip-phoners

get the internet.

[plaster thuds]

You see?

Do you know how hard it is

to avoid the internet?

It's like the main reason

I work here.

Night, Jude.

And he'd have to lose

the Hummer.

[bagpipes playing]

♪♪

[telephone ringing]

♪♪

[dramatic music playing]

Ahh!

Is that a startled drib?

Maybe. Or as sensitively

brewed masala chai tea.

And how can you two

not even scream?

Eh, I don't scare easily.

You know, fear's a useful

survival response, Judy.

Like right now.

♪♪

[distorted] Can you feel it?

[cellphone vibrates, rings,

keypad beeps]

Does she scare you

just a tiny bit?

Who? Her?

Yes.

[sniffing]

That's not masala.

That's where I brew it.

You know what actually

terrifies me?

People not listening to me.

Ow! Trigger point!

Like, this one time, I'm on a

Cazmatrans bus sitting next

to this old well, let's call

her a lady to keep it simple

- Do you have a plan?

- Yes, I have a plan.

The union electricians

will be here in a sec.

They'll do the wiring

while we distribute the memos.

but the whistling

was coming from her nose.

And then it hit me!

It's the fear

that no one can hear me.

[singsong voice]

It's happening.

- I can't hear me!

- That's masala chai.

[eerie music plays]

I'm watching you.

Why do the plans say

two-storey building?

It was originally two,

but then my dad added

87 additional floors,

most without a permit.

Well, permit or no,

wiring, phone systems

it's all got to go.

[rumbling]

- Ohh.

- Ah. Now it's 86.

Should have gone union.

Oh, dear. There's a

presence in that building,

you must warn them

not to awaken it.

[telephone rings]

- Hello?

- Hello. Hello?

I can't hear you.

Hello?

Your building is alive!

Get out now!

I'm a nun,

and we know these things.

Dave? Dave, is that you?

My friend Dave

his phone's for sh*t.

[Bleep] AT&T.

- Who was it?

- Not sure.

- Bad connection.

- Ugh. Dave.

Guys, uh, I'm, uh, looking over

the plans here,

and I don't see a place

for my fax machine.

[knock on door]

- Who is it?

- Brian: It's the super.

Ugh!

Uh, yes, I'm here to hang

the picture.

Oh, yes, you are.

Hey, if this isn't a good time,

I-I can come back.

Oh.

Can you come back?

Definitely seems

like a bad time.

Unh! You're ruining it!

Shut up and get in here.

First thing we need to do is

find the old telephone exchange.

I know where it is.

I used to go there to tap

everyone's office line

- when that was still legal.

- That was never legal.

Hey, hey, y'alls.

It's the fun cops.

[chuckles]

Take a right.

I don't like

to be contradicted.

Maybe we can just follow

this old phone line

until it reaches the exchange.

[rumbling]

Ahhhh!

- Fellas.

- Oh, god!

- Whew! [chuckles]

- Glenda!

I'm not ashamed to admit

that I clammed my pants!

- Glenda!

Anyone else pitted out?

Can you hear me?!

You need to allow

for the possibility

that Glenda is gone forever.

- Yeah, she's dead.

- Glenda go bye-bye.

You never leave a sister

electrician behind!

Help me pull on this!

♪♪

- Where do you want it?

- I have a couple ideas.

If only my fiancé

weren't too busy cleaning

the plaque out

of people's mouths

to take care of the little

things around the house.

Oh, I don't mind.

I like to work with my hands.

Ooh!

A hammer for nailing.

Yeah, that's what it's for.

I'm not sure I can do this.

I have a fiancé.

Oh, wait.

I already told you that.

- What?

- [sighs] I am so bad at this.

Is it super hot in here?

The thermostat's set at 97

for my teeth.

I'm burning up.

It's no wonder.

That T-shirt's so thick.

Here.

Let's get it off you.

Ahh!

Ah! Ugh!

Ah! Ahhhhhh!

Ahhhhh-ohhhh!

Ah! Ugh! Ugh! Ah!

Ooh!

[thunder crashing]

Fellas, are the walls slowly

closing in on us?

Get behind the cart!

- Ugh. You going in, or am I?

- I got it.

Voice: You didn't ask

if you could come in!

[screaming]

Yeah, we just had sex.

Shush.

Don't speak.

I don't know about you,

but I could really get used

- to this having sex.

- Me too.

I cannot wait [yawns]

to tell everyone at work.

[laughs]

Boy-oop!

[crackling]

By consenting to be mindtaken,

you'll have no memory of this

transaction and agree

to be bound by the terms

of the mindtaken so far

as it spares both parties,

mainly me,

undue embarrassment.

Signify your agreement by

clicking the "accept" button.

Where's the but

Where's the button?

- Okay.

- Goodnight, Gracie.

[body thuds]

It's fine.

She's got to come

to a stop sometime,

and when she does,

we'll just pull her up.

[imitating phone ringing]

- Hey, Mer.

- Hypothetical for you.

Oh, if it's a hypothetical,

you've got to do

- "once upon a time."

- Right.

Once upon a time,

there were two friends

- Who lived in a magical land.

- With benefits.

[gasps]

Oh, are you boning Brian?

Repeatedly.

No wonder you didn't want

to pass out memos.

Does he wax?

He so waxes.

- Clear!

- Bring by the Lee!

[spool thudding]

- And

- You wiped his mind of the whole thing.

Hey, Jude, quick sidebar.

We just passed 3,000 feet,

and there's a super good chance

we discovered a second portal

to hell, so

You did get his consent?

Sorta, yes, with an asterisk.

Yes?

You're good! Got to go.

He's got feelings for me!

[knock on door]

[sighs]

- Brian: It's the super?

- I'm good. No. I'm good.

Man the backstays, boys!

I'm going in!

[thud]

[coughs]

3,216 feet.

Eh, nowhere close to hell.

Damn it.

- Ahh!

- Ahh!

[indistinct voice]

[mid-tempo jazz music plays]

♪♪

[screaming]

[metal clangs]

[clicking]

[electricity humming]

So, this is designed to,

what, freak me out?

Where'd you get that?

That's from my private

collection,

the dirty deeds I've done

for the company.

Ooh, the Insta-skinner!

When skinning seals

was efficient and fun.

Now, that's a good angle.

So, I've done some questionable

things for the company.

Big whoop.

You have to break a few necks

to make a capitalism.

[clicking]

Ahh! Ow! Ahh.

[chuckling]

I'm alive, g*dd*mn it.

[gasps] I'm alive.

[muffled laughing]

[no audio]

[farts]

Ahh! Ugh!

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

Landed on the old feet.

And that is not

how that usually happens.

Charlie: You know, fear's a

useful survival response, Judy.

[weakly] Useful survival response?

Charlie: Can you hear me?

[bagpipes playing]

No! [gasps]

And that's why my folks make me

come here to practice.

[bagpipes playing]

No!

Wait. Your folks?

Like, actual human parents

who aren't the undead?

More or less.

So, you're not hell spawn?

Wouldn't that be the [bleep]?

Young lady, you shouldn't be

saying "the [bleep]"

Neither should you.

The [bleep].

- [squeaky voice] Young lady.

- Ah. You're a weirdo.

You should meet Charlie.

In fact, we both should.

Why don't we go

find her right now?

I'm Evie, by the way.

Um, I'm Judy.

My mom works here,

and I use her I.D.

to practice on the weekends

and wander around

and stare at people

through fans like you.

I've stared at you a lot.

- Um

- A lots.

[rumbling]

Evie, have you noticed the

building sort of doing stuff?

Yeah.

Looks like it's [bleep] pissed.

- Language. Wait. Who's pissed?

- The building!

It's been saying things.

Put your ear to the wall.

It's saying, "two will live.

Two will die.

You decide which."

Little help?

Hey, how about you let her go?

For me?

Did you see what I did?!

- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Oops! Oops!

[knock on door]

[sighs] Who is it?

It's the super.

I'm here to hang your

- Oh, yes, you are.

- picture.

I'm having

the weirdest déjà vu.

Really? Fascinating.

Can we keep this moving?

[shattering]

Okay, you know what?

Put your shirt back on.

It's not déjà vu.

You've been here before.

You come in,

pretend to hang a picture,

we get busy, then I erase

your memory. That old story.

- What?

- But it's consensual.

I-I'm not a creep.

The first time,

you asked me to do it,

to keep things exciting

in case we ever did it again,

which we did.

Then you started to get

emotionally invested

and wanting to tell people at work.

So I double-erased it 'cause,

I mean, emotion, ugh!

- [chuckles] Right?

- How many times have we done this?

Boy-oop!

[crackling]

- How much is two reams?

- 1,000 times?

Oop. Found another.

We filled the first one in,

like, a week and a half.

We both took vacation days

and ayahuasca.

So, every time,

I show up at your door

- dressed like the super?

- That was actually your idea.

My taste runs more

to nerdy grad student

who can't pay his vet bill.

But here's the thing.

I'm feeling a little conflicted,

and I wanted to come clean

with you before ending it us.

No more mindtaking.

You can tell whomever

you want about this us.

- Huh.

- You okay?

- Are we okay?

- Huh? Oh, yeah, I agree.

But, listen,

if it's all the same with you,

can you just go ahead

and mindtake me?

Knowing that we shared

something and having a lovely

memory of it

will kind of be t*rture.

Uh sure.

That makes me feel both

wonderful and horribly guilty.

Okay, ready.

Boy-oop.

- Am I the super?

- Yes, you are,

and I've got one

last picture I need hung.

So, how long you been

talking to buildings?

For a while now.

I do most of the talking.

The building mainly listens.

Or you just couldn't hear it

over your [bleep] bagpipe.

- I'm sorry?

- Look, Evie, I know you spend

a lot of time by yourself

around here.

I did, too,

when I was your age.

The building is not alive.

It's just old and falling apart.

[plaster thuds] You see?

Hey, it's Tay-Tay!

[weakly]

It's Taylor McGillicuddy.

How on earth did you

do this to yourself?

It's the building.

It's a mother[bleep]!

[coughing, gasping]

Let's not blame the building

for our own failings.

Stay calm.

We'll get you out.

[rope snaps, whips]

- Ahh!

- Oh, my god!

Two must die.

Well, that's one down.

- [gasping]

- Oh, my god.

- [babbling]

- Stay calm!

We'll get you out!

Judy, it's Dave.

Goddamnit, Judy.

- Ahhhhh!

- And that's two.

The merciless one

has claimed her victims.

I was trying to save them!

Which is what I'll tell

the authorities,

should it ever come to that.

Now she's owed the two

who will live.

Charlie: It's not possible.

Nobody has a picture of that.

Charlie!

Where did you get that?

- I burned it. Then I buried it.

- Cha

Listen, no one

can ever see that.

[as Birdgirl, echoing]

Charlie! Charlie!

- Wha how did you

- [Bleep] if I know.

I will trade anything.

I'll give you Paul or Judy.

I will do anything, so long as

that never gets out.

Birdgirl: Charlie!

What am I doing?

I'd never do anything

to hurt Judy or Paul.

Well, Judy.

It's this job.

[voice breaking] Iit's turned

me into a psychopath!

[laughs] I'm a psyc

Oh, hi! You must be one

of the little girls

that lives in the vents.

Right!

There are two of us.

Ahh! Ugh!

[body thuds]

Oh, Judy, thank god you're alive!

I've completely changed

in the last hour,

although I can't tell you why.

- Does she scare you just a tiny bit?

- Who, her? Yes.

Paul: [singing] Here's to the

ladies who lunch.

Everybody laugh.

Lounging in their caftans

[hyperventilating]

and planning a brunch

on their own behalf.

Paul? Paul!

- Can you hear me?!

- I never shut up.

Did you know

that when you fart,

there's a sound

that goes with it?!

That's what

the building taught you?

I lost nine pounds in my room.

[rumbling]

Does anyone have a [bleep]

clue what's happening?

And when I found

those nine pounds,

it was a little boy,

and that little boy

He's my son now, I guess.

- [building growls]

- Ahh!

[switches clicking]

This is nice.

- I remember it all.

- What?

I pretended to forget, but I

I remember all of it.

Wait.

So, I didn't mindtake you?

- Nope.

- Boy-oop!

[engine revving]

[gasps] Oh, my god,

you have no mind to take!

You're my kryptonite.

- There is a lot of room in there.

- Holy [bleep]!

You remembered, but you

didn't tell anyone at work.

Nope.

[mid-tempo music plays]

- Are we dating?

- Nope.

[indistinct conversations]

[whirring]

It's been watching me

since I was a little girl.

- Well, "she."

- Shut up, Paul.

You shut up.

She's been watching all of us,

taking care of us.

We're her family.

[saw buzzing]

Taylor's death shall be avenged!

- Ohh, boy.

- I follow the code of local 836

international brother

and sisterhood

- of electrical workers.

- Yeah, you do.

Her memories!

[building growling]

Evie!

[electronic beeping, whirring]

[distorted voice] We're one now.

I'll be the keeper of her memories.

Ahh!

Leave her out of it!

This fight's

between me and you!

Ahh!

[thudding]

Ugh!

Hey, guys, remember me?

Beep-beep.

[laughs]

[sirens wailing]

I've got a bit of a mindtaking

situation down here.

Got it. Be there in 10.

Got to fly. Work thing.

- Can I come?

- I don't know. Can you?

[drums beat, cymbal clashes]

Judy's cat.

Not a big fan of dudes,

super feminist. Laters!

- Uh, why am I here on an off day?

- Okay, the building is alive,

and it merged personalities

with a 10-year-old girl.

The one who plays

the accordion.

- It's a bagpipe.

- No. The other one.

- Wait. There are two little girls?

- Anyway, these two

have mind-melded to protect

the building's memories.

Mindtaker.

[Paul laughing]

Charlie: Remember us?

It's scared to lose its memories

once we update the wiring,

but mostly I think it's scared

to lose the memories of her.

Evie: Transferring 1968 memories.

Transferring 1969 memories.

You got to get me in her head.

Just lace up the old

booty-ooty-oots,

- and, Birdteam, go!

- What?!

Hmm. I usually fly solo

on the mindtaking.

It's breaking a lot of rules.

Plus, it's going to take off

four months off your life.

- I can't say which four.

- Do it.

♪♪

I know she's your friend,

but she's not worth dying for.

That's friendship.

You two used to be friends,

but maybe you forgot

since you grew up.

We've got to figure out a way

to save her memories.

Let me do it.

Trust me?

♪♪

I get it.

You're afraid.

And fear is a useful

survival response.

You have my word.

I'll keep your memory safe.

Yes, I did it!

- I did it.

- Uh, I think she's dying.

You're kidding, right?

She's got a duct through

her pelvis.

Oh, the building.

[electronic whirring]

♪♪

[electricity zapping]

[electricity surging]

[electronic beeping]

[computer chimes]

Mail time.

We got the internet!

Yes. But will we prevail

against it?

Oh, mailman.

We should have done mailman.

Never mind.

It's my own sex fantasy thing.

[fax machine whirring]

Where's dog?

He just got a fax.

[up-tempo music playing]

[vocalizing]

♪♪

[rapping] ♪ Who is the

girl that saves the world? ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Wings of fire,

unique like pearls ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Who's the one

they came to see? ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Ultra fierce and so unique ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Hey! Birdgirl! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪