01x18 - The Construction Worker Show

[bunniefuu]

see turn my remember me I'm the guy who

stole you from wwor about 20 years ago I

realize I haven't written in you since I

dug up that giant earthworm when I was

12 but that's the breakes

sui anyway nothing much is new I'm still

a paper boy oh and I'm having sex now so

that's a big help the main reason I'm

writing you however is to tell you about

the wonderful enchanting events that

befell me last week events that have

caused me to Forever alter my perception

of this crazy Topsy Turvy buttery thing

we call life it all started about 7:00

a.m. last Monday so Mom Dad what's up

for today any big plans well actually we

were thinking of looking through some

magazines later on if we're not too

tired no glattus that's what we have

planned for next week this is the day

the workers arrive to start work on the

kitchen

workers didn't we tell you your father

has finally agreed to expand the kitchen

by 6 in I don't know what I'm going to

do with all that extra space workers is

in construction workers as in the guys

who wear hard hats and Tool belts and

have Brill cream in their

hair the kind of guys that that use foul

language and have wives named Bonnie and

dare I say it

stink yes I suppose eventually they will

stink oh yes yes I'm so excited when do

they get here hold on now Boy Throw it

into verse before your brain explodes

listen up you're not to talk to them

bother them or stare at them if history

tells us anything it's that you have a

tendency to drive people

nuts they're here they're

here maybe they'll smoke cigars wouldn't

that be a

bonus come in construction workers oh do

come

in

they were even more magnificent than I

had imagined I had read book and seen

every play and movie about construction

workers yet nothing prepared me for the

incredible surge of joy and awe I felt

when these glorious mythical creatures

walked through that

door the gods have descended from heaven

and we now standing in my parents'

[Music]

kitchen stand in the where you live now

think about Direction wonder why you

have it now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you haven't

stand in the place where you live now

face make out Direction wonder why you

have now stand in the place where you

were now face where us a place where you

live wonder why you haven't stand in the

place where you

are

stand it's been said that all good

relationships start with quiet

observation actually I made that up just

now does it sound stupid anyway my

initial strategy was simple silently

stare at them for hours on end until I'm

eventually noticed and invited into a

ation this exact same strategy once

worked for me with an ape at the local

Zoo so my hopes were

high I soon came to the realization that

it might be necessary to change my

strategy it was time for the heavy

a*tillery you guessed it questions when

we're sinks and

bended how much your

trucks do you believe in God

nothing seemed to work I knew things

were desperate when even Mr poppy

couldn't win them over tell us a joke Mr

poppy sure thing Chrissy how do

porcupines have sex geez I don't know Mr

poppy how do porcupines have sex

carefully very

carefully

this was not a good sign I knew now that

something drastic had to be done if I

were to truly become one of them I knew

I would first have to look like them and

eventually God willing smell like

them in my heart I knew this was finally

it the clothes were right the accares

and beer had put on a few extra pounds I

was in Peak form they would now embrace

me as one of their

own boys what's with the costume slush

head you got a date with dendy

Moore to this day I still don't get that

joke obviously they found it quite funny

though all I know is at that very moment

I felt always was lost I would never be

allowed into the grand mysterious

wondrous world of guys who use

tools but I was wrong all that was about

to change thanks to my tendency to get

sleepy every so

often and sleepy I was after doing the

twist for three solid hours for an

unreceptive

[Music]

audience if there's one thing my dear

mother taught me it's to always lay down

and go to sleep whenever you're tired no

matter where you are and except for my

arrest at the bus station last year I

found this to be pretty Sound Advice

little did I know that an event was

about to take place that would forever

change my life and that blessed event

can be summed up in four sweet simple

words d*ck fell on

me Shee I could have broke my

neck lucky for me you're such a fat

[Music]

a*s oh you know something Kid ah

a you're

okay just like that it happened I had

been accepted I was now one of the elite

about to learn all the rules and rituals

of a secret society that dates back to

the Incas without trying to sound overly

dramatic or cliched just let me say I

was happy as a

porpus the first thing my heroes taught

me was an important and essential lesson

how to act crude and obnoxious to the

various women who passed through my yard

for no apparent reason

shake it honey through the Wild Thing

Mama yeah work that thing sister

W that's right you got it honey if

you're selling I'm

buying oh eat that cheese lady uh-huh

pluck that banjo yes you have very nice

looking shoes

Miss

down the

valley Valley at night we'd sit around

the campfire and reflect on the days

events and life in general invariably

the conversation would drift to the one

topic that's never far from a

construction worker's mind tool belt

fights hey guys tell me about the tool

belt fights again well what do you want

to know little B well everything like

like when did they first begin well

nobody knows when it all first began

Legend has it that the first tool belt

fight took place between a couple of

fellas working on the Great Pyramids

seems they got into an argument over

sandwich and suddenly the tools was

flying everywhere hammers screwdrivers

power drills you name it those days of

course it was always a fight to the

death my head was swimming with

fascinating stories of late trailer

payments oneeyed prostit*tes and of

course the fabled tool belt fights it

was almost too much for my young thirsty

brain to

[Music]

comprehend look ain't that about the

cutest thing you ever

seen our little Outlaws gone off to

Fairyland must have been all that

bourbon I give him let's get him off to

[Applause]

bed these were the happiest days of my

life I had finally become one of them I

think I was even starting to stink a

little and just when I thought things

couldn't get any better the ultimate

happened I was speechless

the guys were presenting me with my very

own tool belt a real tool belt if I

wasn't so afraid of pain I surely would

have pinched

myself it was the single greatest honor

ever bestowed on me and I quickly purged

any thoughts of refusing it due to the

construction industry's poor treatment

of the American

Indian my life was now consumed with

living up to the high standards of

excellence that went along with that

tool

belt of course of course it wasn't all

work we always found time to socialize

eat chili and drink beer at those BS

sessions as d*ck called them the guys

were always fond of philosophical

conversation do all think we've peaked

is a

civilization has materialism ruined our

society ever seen your mom in the

bathtub it was a wonderful time I felt

happier and more important than the

president of Europe unknown to me

however things were about to take an

ugly

turn morning fellas hey come on over

here Butch I got something to show

you you uh you want in on a little

secret you see this pipe we get it out

of Korea for 9 cents a foot got more

plastic in it than a show girl's

butt m I do so love jokes pertaining to

Las Vegas that a real joke we're

charging your old man for copper pipe

you know what that goes for 90 bucks a

foot ain't that precious we're going to

give your old man a bill that'll knock

him right out of his

shorts wait a second huh isn't that

dishonest hold on a minute here sport

you uh you ain't getting soft on us now

are you I thought you were one of us

maybe we ought to take away his tool

belt maybe he don't got the stomach for

it after

all now come on fellas let's let's not

go overboard here I simply raised a

question and I I regretted it as soon as

I said it okay so uh come on let's

forget about it come on that's just

water under the tunnel now what what do

you say we slice up a a salami and and

turn on

Oprah despite what I led the guys to

believe I was now horribly troubled my

entire world had collapsed I felt

depressed and suicidal and more

importantly a little

thirsty I learned a long time ago when

I'm really really desperate for advice

and I can't find anyone else to talk to

not even even a complete stranger my

parents are better than

nothing hey Mom Dad I have a problem and

as always you're my first and only

choice for advice lucky

us what's the matter sweetheart is that

dr*fter who lives behind the gas station

still threatening to k*ll you n he got

hit by a car last week now my problem's

a little more complicated let me give

you a hypothetical situation here

suppose your friend is a

rhinoceros and he's Hawking really

expensive sugar cubes on the

moon only you find out that these sugar

cubes aren't really made out of sugar at

all but they're made out of a cheap

combination of sand and garlic from

Korea oh who hold it right there are you

saying these [ __ ] construction workers

are trying to rip me

off no dad oh jeez you're always trying

to read some sort of secret meaning in

everything I say I got no time for this

boy you need advice go bug a priest make

him work for his 60 Grand a year hey

that's a great idea good I'll

blow after walking aimlessly for the

better part of the day I was fortunate

enough to stumble upon a church just 19

mil from my house okay well here's my

problem for now let's just say that my

best best friends are rhinoceroses and

they're Hawking really expensive sugar

cubes on the moon let me guess you some

construction workers are trying to

Swindle your father exactly these guys

are my friends your honor they've

accepted me into their wonderful crude

stench ridden

subculture and that's that's something

I've dreamt about all my life I I can't

just throw that away as I see it you

have no choice but to confront them and

voice your concern about their dishonest

hesty H but then I'll lose their

friendship forever I'll be an outcast

then they want your friends in the first

place ooh nice line

mom if there's one thing I hate it's a

confrontation and this one would no

doubt be even uglier than the time I

cursed out the mailman for staring at me

when I was

[Laughter]

sunbathing uh excuse me uh fellas uh

could I have your ear for a second hey

what's up

Kato well uh I was

uh hey have you guys ever seen me do a

somersault I can do one you know here

watch I

[Music]

go you got something on your mind

boy you're acting a little

[Laughter]

goofy well uh as a matter of fact rich

Richard I do have something on my mind

and for once it's it's not women

completely naked except for cowboy

boots I'm very disappointed with all of

you you guys did a very bad thing by

putting in those cheap pipes and well

even though it it'll probably mean that

I I can't be one of you and and it might

hurt our

friendship I'm going to tell my dad you

got it all wrong Tanto it don't mean you

can't be one of us wa it it doesn't no

means we're going to beat the crap out

of you all right no no no hold on d*ck I

I I think you're you're you're going a

little overboard here you're you're

talking with your heart instead of your

head I mean your your head instead of

your heart I mean your foot instead of

your

esophagus give me give me two good

reasons why this situation here needs to

escalate into into violence one you got

us in a very bad mood and two we've been

drinking since 5:00 this morning

morning unlike The Three Stooges I

didn't hear a cute little Clank sound

and it hurt like hell I now knew what

was about to take place in my parents'

kitchen the legendary deadly tool belt

[Music]

[Applause]

fight

okay

two down when again the Moment of Truth

had arrived I was about to go toe to-

Toe with the ever powerful ever crafty

dreaded

[Music]

Foreman

uhuh uh-huh uh-huh okay Dicky Come to

Papa Daddy's got a big kiss for

[Applause]

you

[Music]

I was like a different person I had more

stamina than I ever had in my life

certainly more than I had on my last

date

huh okay

[Laughter]

huh if there's one thing that can

quickly end a tool belt fight it's a

staple g*n one little squeeze of the

trigger can inflict more pain on a fat

gut than a dozen ballpen

hammers good night iene do me a little

favor huh when you meet the devil give

him a little peck on the cheek from

me all right hold it right there d*ck

this is the last beer in the

refrigerator and I'm prepared to spill

it yeah now now put that staple g*n down

or or else I'll dump this beer all over

the lenium be easy kid take it easy

don't don't do nothing

stupid

a you think I playing around I'm nuts

man

den you did it you kid won the two

fight now there's still a little matter

to discuss regarding

plastic pipes and how much you're

charging my daddy

since since you did win the tool belt

fight and

now now you're a king of

sorts we're going to not 20 bucks off

your dad's

Bill uh

okay

22 22 50

huh come

on plan

[Music]

it it was a moral Triumph I had risen

above those I once idolized and managed

to save my dad 2250 to boot that may not

seem like much to the average person but

to a guy who just got hit on the head

with a lead pipe it sounded pretty damn

good night we sat under the stars for

the last time the next day they would be

finished with their work and quietly

disappear from my life

forever in time our wounds would heal

but our hearts and Minds would transform

into shallow trays that caught the

Bittersweet rainwater of our

souls incidentally I'm now offering a

million dooll reward to anyone who can

figure out what the hell that

meant well good night sweet diary

hopefully I'll write in you again

sometime before I'm 80 have a [ __ ] in

summer your pal

Chris

and sing God

PR sweet the sound that

sa rich like

me I want

was lost but now I'm found I was blind

but now I

see when we been there 10 L of