01x13 - Chris vs. Donald

[bunniefuu]

hi Mom and Dad hi I just thought I'd say

a quick adios before I head off on my

whitewater rafting trip this weekend you

got to be kidding me hell no dad and

consider the facts I'm going by myself

I've never gone whitewater rafting

before in my life I don't even know

where the nearest river is sounds pretty

exciting doesn't it aren't you

forgetting something honey the Peterson

Family Reunion is today and you're not

getting out of it so you better unstrap

that little paddle and start preparing

to be miserable the way we're

doing no no no please please please I

hate the family reunion I hate it I I'd

rather go to a livestock auction and get

kicked in the face by a giant

donkey I'm sorry my hands are tied it's

my turn to host the damn thing and I

can't weasel out of it oh come on dad be

a weasel for once in your life take it

from me you'll find that it's really the

most wonderful experience in the whole

wide world

don't be a s honey in a few short hours

this place will be crawling with

Peterson we can't back out now wait a

second hold the you know the thing that

you pick up and your your dial and you

talk are you saying that Donald is going

to be here today well of course he's

your cousin isn't he no no no please I

hate Donald I despise him I detest him I

loathe him I abore him I abominate him I

knew we'd regret giving him that

thesaurus

I don't know why you dislike Donald

sweetheart just because he's your age is

a huge success and owns his own melon

stand there's no reason to feel

threatened by him I wish he was dead

Donald Donald Donald Donald my arch

nemesis ever since

childhood it gives me great pleasure now

to present this sterling silver Trophy

and a $50 savings bond to Donald oh the

Peterson with the most wit Charisma and

intelligence he's the jewel of our tribe

and he's no doubt headed for

greatness yuck and for young Kenny here

dead Chris sorry for Chris I have this

stick I found laying on the ground over

there let's hear it for my boy he'll

make a great rodeo clown one day won't

he just in case you didn't get the news

flash I'm better than you oh

hey stop it he's having another one of

his bizarre Donald flashback stop him

hell I'm going to go grab the video

[Music]

camera stand in the place where you live

now think about Direction to wonder why

you haven't now stand in the place where

you were now face about the place where

you live wonder why you hav people stand

in the place where you live now out dire

wonder why you have it now stand in the

place where you were now face with us

the place where you live wonder why you

hav standing the place where you

are so

stand real going thanks to a little

premium unlet

it Fred using gasoline to start the

barbecue could cause toxic Vapor to seep

into the food crying out loud gladus is

just my

relative picture pet your worst guest

ever oh Jesus sit in that damn

bull

there they are there's my happy

campers oh I got a hand it to you friend

your woman stay thin as R mine's put on

more pounds than a pig in a slop house

kiding Angel like a visit from the royal

couple how's it going

boy I never liked

you check this

out finally got myself one with a siren

can you believe it all that volume on

two doublea's and it happened in our

lifetime well if we're through sh**ting

the bull let's get to the Beer Which Way

Fred right over there said come on

Angel dad what do you say I run down to

the basement and get our

U*i oh it is it is it's got I have

everyone's attention please you got it

can I just have a minute operates off

can you Gypsy shut the hell up for 2

seconds thanks before we all form an

orderly line here at the buffet table

it's tradition that we allow and Shirley

the matriarch of our family to go

through

first I need a volunteer to help an

Shirley pile food on her plate I can't

do pick someone then what is the matter

with you people where's your Humanity

she's a saint Chris go get your Aunt

Shirley dad why do I have to do it I

just washed my hands move it I'll make

you drive her home later

hi Aunt Shirley a here's some potato

salad and um some tuna ba*ls there you

go and uh oh here's some disgusting

looking meat or

something and oh look here's some

pickled eggs M would you like one of

those don't those look good they're as

Pink as a bunny's nose you like little

bunnies Aunt Shirley look give me my

food and shut your trap hey put her way

back there so we don't have to deal with

it's

[Music]

family it's the family of

f it's a family of

f it's the family

of one child grows up to

be somebody that just loves to learn at

all

another child grows up to be somebody

you just love to

burn mom

loves the both of them you see it's in

the

blood both kids are good and

wrom blood's thicker than the mud it's a

family Brad aun Louise would you care

for a Swiss vanilla boo boo Swiss

vanilla what hell boy that's just

saltwater taffy you know I thought so

but for some reason my dad told me I had

to call them Swiss vanilla boo

boos thanks Dad thanks for making an a*s

out of

me does anyone know when Donald is

coming I don't know but I hope he gets

here soon I love that Donald oh Donald

is the smartest boy in the world do you

know I heard he wants fixed a PL radio

with just a butter knife and Elmer's

blue oh that sounds like Donald he's

always doing something smart not like

that dope kid of Fred's somebody told me

that Donald just bought himself an 84

chevet 84 hell an 85 with only 40,000

miles on it Ash for too that's Donald

for you I heard that Donald's melon

stand is doing so good he's adding

another 9 ft to sell great can you beat

that what if Donald think of

next

[Music]

my this Donald is delicious I just put a

new Donald in my truck now she runs like

a top I heard the weather tomorrow is

supposed to be cloudy with the chance of

Donald's attention everyone Donald will

be here

shortly repeat Donald the successful

genius who probably invented this very

me will be here

[Applause]

shortly

[Laughter]

ma ma you have to help me it's like I'm

losing my mind it's like everyone here

is talking about Donald and and that's

all they're talking about Donald Donal

Donald Donald Donald

Donald oh my goodness what happened to

my son oh he's just taking a nap look

Donald's

here hey get up

boy

get out the

way Donald thank God you're here we were

so worried good to see you Donald we

were just talking about how smart you

are Donald can I kiss your hand just for

good luck see Don it's got a siren to

play

with I love you

Don hello cuz long time no

see

well the little news boy how are you

Christopher lovely clothes you're

wearing these

days I know Drifters who are more

fashion conscious that's your style

isn't it picking on poor helpless sweet

innocent Drifters the salt of the earth

and the backbone of our country tell me

Christina you're not busy delivering

your little news newspapers and acting

like a [ __ ] and boring people with

idiotic conversation what do you do in

your spare time well I pretty much go on

dates with your mom she tries to fit me

in between the furnace repair man and

the High School

Janitor it's so sad your obvious lack of

significant income is causing you to

lash out at those greater than

yourself no it's my obvious lack of

patience for little geek wussy boys who

dress up like carpet salesmen and who

wear cologne that smells like cat urine

okay I see I'm going to have to go in

for the

k*ll this is my bank Book Read It and

Weep that's right a nine followed by two

zeros now let's see

yours um well my daddy keeps mine in a

safe deposit box down at the

bank yeah yeah a likely

story well I think I'll move on there

are dozens of people here just waiting

in line to kiss my butt

could I have everyone's attention please

I know you're all still giddy about the

free melons that Donald brought us but

listen up for a minute I'd like to

invite each of you to come up here now

and give us kind of an update on what

you've been doing this past year you go

first Fred yeah you go first this last

12 months I've just been sitting around

drinking coffee dreading

today okay who's next as most of you you

probably know I had to fire the boy that

cuts our grass because I caught him

stealing a power drill out of the garage

I actually got to spray the little

b*stard with some mace so that was

nice basically what my urologist told me

was to drink lots of cranberry

juice so he's bleeding and cursing up

the storm so I says hey sorry with that

haircut you look like a

deer this last year has been one one of

great personal satisfaction for

me as most of you know I've continued to

prosper to say that I'm a huge success

well that would be an understatement

I'm jez it's like the 1960 Democratic

Convention but I also believe in giving

back to the community and that's why

just a few short months ago when my

Minister needed some money for a new

space heater for his

trailer I handed the guy 10

bucks here's a Xerox of the cancel check

I'll pass it

around well thank you one and all and

keep hope

alive Donald's the greatest thing since

sliced Jello huh well I'll show them

I'll show them

[Applause]

all10 okay if we're all done with that

crap I'll make this brief for the last

year I've been intensely studying the

ancient martial arts of taon Hojo

low and um right now I'm going to do

something for you that even your

precious little Donald can't do I'm

going to break a giant block of ice with

my

head this ought to be good that block of

ice was for the sod is now please I need

absolute quiet for this otherwise there

could be disastrous results

I'm a rock my head is a rock from my

neck up I a

rock I'm sorry boy I just couldn't

resist pin heads all right this is

it

okay and now if you'll all excuse me I'm

going to pass

out twice in one day call

Ripley wake up

Cinderella he doesn't look so good huh

he's alive

everyone

thank you thank you one and all it's

nice to be supported by relatives that

appreciate an honest effort I'll put a

lid on that boy they're not applauding

you they're applauding Donald he's the

one who revived

you fine well it's obvious we've reached

a turning point here all diplomatic

measures have failed so there's only one

thing left for me to do go trash his

piece of crap car

what

decadence well I think I'll just leave a

little calling card for you Donald how

about couple of tuna ba*ls stuffed

nicely back in the glove

compartment I would love to see your

face when these babies turn ripe in a

couple of

days

best of

Falco why does the phrase socially

[ __ ] come to

mind I think you'll like this music a

little better Donald it's called why

does my car stink so

much I hate you Donald I hate you you're

a girl you're ugly you're a girl I hate

your C I hate you I hate you I hate you

I hate you I hate

you Mr Donald Peterson personal and

confidential

Dear Mr Peterson this letter is to

inform you that you are now 10 days past

due on your loan payment failure to

bring this account up to date could

result in a minor interest

penalty my God it's it's like having mob

Barker in the

family I finally have something on him

oh thank you thank you

excuse me has anyone seen a l ball of

pills labeled half medicine I wouldn't

bug you except except it's emergency all

right honey that's it okay fine there

you go I yeah okay pedal your snake oil

somewhere else folks if you don't mind

uh let me interrupt your little

simple-minded idiotic chitchat here and

share something very special with you

allow me to read you something that I

discovered during a uh routine Sur

search of Donald's Beyond fabulous

Chevette now I'll paraphrase because uh

most of you here have the attention span

of a circus monkey

so Dear Mr Peterson either make good on

your loan payments or we'll turn your

melon stand into a parking lot signed

York National

Bank well it seems that sir Donald is

nothing more than a flaming late Bill

payer

yes yes well good that's that's

refreshing to see that you've changed

your minds about Donald CHR they not

bullying Donald they're booing you you

ought to be ashamed of yourself kicking

a man when he's down after he saved your

life you're the scum of the earth like

to stab you with this plastic

fork what a little fan club you got here

wait a second I mean it's not like

Donald's some sort of little fragile

ceramic birdie or anything he can take a

little criticism I mean the guy's got a

huge ego nothing bothers him look on the

road I'm going to

jump we love you I've let you all down

so now I'm going to Splatter myself all

over the

lawn oh jeez just what I need place is

going to be crawling with cops and

reporters thanks to Chris I've

completely lost the will to live

don't jump Dar we love you and we hate

quis that's all that matters you better

get up there and take care of this

before something Grizzly happens I don't

need my property values dropping come on

why should I lift a finger to help him

give me one good reason because your

relatives are on the verge of murdering

you we're going to

k*ll why do you say

that okay all right Donald

don't come any closer or I'll

jump okay okay don't get your panties in

an uproar

okay oh

oh you know Donald I have to hand it to

you this little OD to Billy Joe crap is

a real crowd

pleaser you think I'm doing this for

attention huh well we'll see what you

think when your old man has to shovel me

off his

patio you know

Donald as a living breathing human being

with a conscience I feel it's my duty to

try and prevent you from jumping to your

bloody death but then again as your less

successful cousin who's always hated

your stinking guts I just want to remind

you that you're an adult free to do

whatever you want to do

so finally I'll be free from this cold

heart heartless demanding world free

from Bank payments IRS Audits and yes

fraternity

suits Donald please let's not get

carried away come on the only women you

ever got came in a box with a volleyball

pump

well this is

it goodbye

[Applause]

cousin

[Music]

I dropped my hot dog I Dro my hot dog

I'm about to cry like a 6-month old baby

girl shut up you idiot here take mine

tastes like crap

[Music]

anyway Donald Donald don't do it you

have so much to live for you have family

and and friends that care for you you

you've got melon customers that that

want to buy melons from you and you got

a great youed car that well that's

mysteriously going to stink in a couple

of days Donald don't

jump okay I won't did you hear that

everyone I'm not going to do

it well thank you thank you all very

very much boy it was touch and go up

here for a bit but uh we got through it

everyone's okay just call me Mr Crisis

Intervention I'll be down in a couple of

seconds and uh you're all free to line

up and kiss my heroic

butt I did it I did it I'm a big hero I

saved the day I'm a hero look at me

Donald I'm shaking it for you

honey hey he did it he actually broke

that block of ice with his hand

thank you thank you one and all I told

you I could do it and and now for your

added enjoyment my trademark loss of

consciousness technically you only did

it cuz Donald was

here hi this is Emilio Estes please join

keeper southernland Lou Diamond Phillips

Charlie Sheen and me tomorrow night for

the original Fox night at the movies

presentation of Young g*ns now stay

tuned and all new with children is

next