01x07 - Drivers License

[bunniefuu]

oh wow look at

her she's just a new waitress yeah

that's what you say now but as soon as

my back's turn you'll be all over her I

know how you little puberty hounds act

just back off okay I saw her first I'm

going over to the 18 and older

section hi excuse us hi has anyone ever

told you that the fluorescent lighting

in here brings out a lovely pale green

glow in your skin no thank

God I'm Chris Peterson and uh you're

probably going to be seeing an awful lot

of me cuz I'm kind of a regular here

really mhm hey you're not that weird guy

who still has a paper route are you well

yeah but I'm head paper boy boss to

every kid I

see oh boy a man with power

it's uh it's really kind of a lifestyle

Choice Jane

Oh

see it's 9:00 a.m. and my day is already

done leaving me free to experience life

to the

fullest like maybe with you

tonight thanks but I don't think

so Jane I'm going to be very honest with

you

I find you very attractive and very

interesting if you turn me down I'll

just keep asking and then I'll start

calling and then I'll start writing you

endless notes dogging your every move

showing up outside your bedroom window

at all hours of the night it'll turn

into one of those really obsessive Fatal

Attraction deals and it'll probably end

with the death of one or both of us or

we can just go out on one little stupid

date it's up to

you why not I like a sense of humor okay

well I wasn't joking but if you took it

that way fine I get off work at 6 you

can show me Ry your town great you are

going to look mighty fine on the

handlebars of my bike excuse me yeah

don't you think we'd be better off in a

car a

car uh yeah or or we could just walk

around wait a minute you do Drive don't

you well um

I are you telling me you don't drive a

car no a car oh yes I drive a car I

drive a car

why wouldn't I drive a

car then what was all that stuff about

well that's just some medication that

I'm

on look maybe we better just forget

about this you're starting to give me

the creeps James look just relax okay I

promise you everything will be fine I'll

pick you up at 6 in a car yeah in a car

what else okay Excuse Me Miss could we

order now hey hey back off can't you you

see she's in

love stand in the place where you live

now think about Direction wonder why you

haven't now stand in the place where you

were now face think about the place

where you live wonder why you haven't

stand in the place where you live

now out Direction wonder why you have

now stand in the place where you were

now

face the place where you live wonder why

you stand in the place where you

are so

stand Larry there's a big difference

here I just never got a driver license

but I took Driver's Ed just like

everybody else in school yes but you

never got your license and I told you

you would regret it but Larry I don't

regret it getting a driver's license is

a very dangerous thing first you get a

driver's license then you got to get car

insurance then you got to buy a car and

then before you know it you're fooling

around in the backseat you got a couple

of kids you're married and your Life's a

living hell you're describing my life oh

I'm sorry well you know one man's living

hell is another man's endless

nightmare no I'm I'm just joking Larry

really Sharon's lovely Chris why all of

a sudden you want to drive well Larry

there Comes A Time in every man's life

when he he wants to mature as a human

being and and grow

and all right Larry I met a very cute

girl and now I'm supposed to teach you

how to drive L you don't have to teach

me I already know how to drive I've been

watching people drive for years manx uh

Barnaby Jones The Dukes of Hazard I know

all the moves now how do you get in one

of these things Chris if I'm going to

teach you how to drive you have to be

serious driving is not a joke oh no of

course not heaven forbid before you

enter the vehicle it is proper to

inspect the outside for any problems low

tire inflation debris in the grill work

that could obstruct air flow anything

that could impede safe motoring Larry

it's really not necessary to act like Mr

official idiot to teach me what do you

mean I do this every morning before I

drive oh well that's that's very

admirable

Larry now the first thing I like to do

is make sure that the rear view mirrors

are properly set check and make sure the

seat is at the right height check and

see that the windows are clear of all

obstructions and put on my seat

belt and check for any wear or frame

points L just out of curiosity what time

do you have to get up in the morning to

go to work 3:00 a.m. Chris driving is

not a right it is a privilege now it is

an awesome responsibility handling a

vehicle of this size and power you can

never be tooo careful no I agree with

you 100% now how do you get one of these

babies up on two

wheels before you go into the street

always look in both directions both

right and left and this is valuable

right again now it's all clear but I

like to give a friendly toot on the horn

just to let him know I'm coming friendly

toot what an old woman you Mr Know It

All I guess I just can't teach you

anything no Larry you can't so why don't

you just take me down and I'll take the

test right now Chris it takes months to

learn how to drive you're never going to

pass Larry don't be ridiculous I

remember all this stuff from driver's ed

you just steer with that thing and you

you stop with one of those petal Gizmo

dealies down let's go okay we'll just

see about that

good afternoon officer I'm Chris

Peterson and I'd just like to say that

I'm thrilled you'll be giving me my

driver's test today you look very

handsome and smart in that uniform and

here's a shiny new Apple for you look

let's get through this without all the

Yaky Yak keep your mouth shut do as

you're told and we'll get along fine let

me see your learners

permit we grumpy

beer what the hell you just got this

today yeah I know it looks like I'm kind

of rushing things but um I've got a

really hot day tonight and I need a car

if you know what I

mean I think you're going to be pretty

impressed at how good I am behind the

wheel not that that matters much these

days I mean with these new airbags you

can pretty much crash full speed into

anything and walk away right Mr Peterson

sit there quietly while I finish filling

out this information

sorry what is this one of those nine

shooters

give me that you idiot that is a felony

Mister geez I'm sorry I thought you knew

what I was doing you know it's not good

for a cop not to know if somebody's

taking their g*n is that why they put

you on this detail Mr Peterson

this is a duty of all state troopers

yeah I believe that one I just love all

those episodes of Beretta where he gave

the driver's test we all pulled this

assignment 3 days a month I've been

giving this test for over 15 years well

hey well you must know my good friend

Larry Potter you remember him he's one

of those real baby drivers though you

know oh let me check the mirrors before

I pull out and make sure my seat belts

in wait Mr Peterson pull into traffic

finally okay now you just sit back relax

and enjoy the ride you're in for a

little treat

here L don't be a hero don't be a fo Mr

Peterson you want to turn off the

radio what turn off the

radio come on this is my

favorite you could have tuned around for

something you

liked hey get a load Mr haircut over

there wants to race hey pal you be

choking on my dust if I didn't have the

buzz in here with me drivers like that

are a hazard take left here okay no

problem one left coming up and here she

goes hey I get so far not

bad hey Grandma trying to take a

driver's test

here old ladies and firet trucks I think

they own the road

huh man that crossing guard came out of

nowhere what a

jerk

and here we are safe and

sound so how'd I do Mr

Peterson Not only would I never in a

million years give you a license but I

am going to suspend your Turner's

permit well I'm not that familiar with

your technical paperwork procedures what

do I do turn this in for my driver's

license

man I can't believe he flunked me just

because of the color of my skin he

flumed you because you acted like a

total you're Lu he didn't throw us

in jail ah he was just jealous because I

got his g*n away from him it was obvious

I could handle that car with my eyes

closed a skill by the way I demonstrated

to him at least 10 times well I guess

you could just kiss your hot date

goodbye Larry I cannot let a girl that

fantastic slip through my fingers I'm

sorry look I'm sure I'll pass the test

the next next time I take it in the

meantime I just need a car for one night

this one's a little dorky but it'll do

forget it Chris look why can't you just

explain to your parents what happened

and maybe you can get your dad to drive

you on this date are you nuts there's

nothing more embarrassing than having

your dad drive you on a date I learned

that hard lesson in my mid 20s besides

if my parents knew I took the test and

failed it would break their poor old

Hearts n the only thing I can do is wait

till they asleep tonight and then steal

their

car

this is your car yep I know a lot of the

young kids nowadays are into those

unpatriotic forign rinky dinky jobs but

uh give me a jumbo boat of a gas guzzler

made right here in the good us OFA

anytime I just never pictured you in one

of these my we're not very trusting are

we the next thing you'll be wanting to

see my driver's license look miss this

is my car and my car alone okay no

questions asked and it is for damnn well

sure not my parents car now what kind of

music do you like to listen to we've got

100 eight tracks here we've got uh Bob

binton we've got Jack Jones We've Got

Andre

castalon why don't you just show me

around town like we planned great idea

nobody knows this Berg like

me

right over there that's the gas station

and I don't know if you can see it but

that's the uh unlet pump right there

right next to it a super unlet

[Music]

pump glus do you remember me parking the

car in the driveway earlier today yes

and a we seile

no and some horse's a*s has stolen our

car and uh oh right over there there's a

video store you know they're talking

about eliminating the x-rated section

I've had a few sleepless nights over

that one I don't mind telling

[Music]

you more cookies and milk officers no

thanks Mrs Peterson we were already full

of donuts when we got here and I thought

that was just a stupid comedy stereotype

no ma'am we love him anytime all the

time you don't have any do you sorry by

we have all the information we need on

the missing vehicle we'll get right on

it I can't tell you how much it burns me

that some horse's a*s can steal your car

just like that did I mention there was

an enormous collection of eight TRS in

there yeah and I can assure you we'll do

everything humanly possible to get your

vehicle back to you

Fred you know I'm not going to be able

to sleep tonight could I ride around

with you guys for a while I want to be

there when you catch that stinking

horse's a*s I'm afraid that violates

every rule in the book but okay hey

great uh now right over there there's

the P's house you know I haven't seen

them for quite a few days and there's a

horrible stench coming from that place

I'll wait a couple of weeks and then

report

it I'm just joking that's newspaper boy

Gallo's

humor gee it's really great how you have

a story for each and every house but

actually I thought this date was going

to be a little more exciting in do you

think we could pick up

pace I don't think there should be too

much problem with

that what is going on nothing jeane I'm

just picking up the pace like you a*s

there's the Philip house and and there's

the rednick and the nean and the grosses

down there look the police look why

would you say something like that

they're right behind us with light flush

and get time going W yeah you're right

I'm sure they're not after us you and

the gray car pull over huh well there

doesn't seem to be any other gray cars

in the vicinity doesn't well they may be

after us but you know I bet it's just

something simple maybe my tail lights

out or something like that you know what

instead of stopping and letting them bar

down our date why don't we just try to

outrun

them what is going on well Jean it's

like this hey look there's the fill

house those people are nutty they have

the all right look Jean on a purely

technical level I don't officially

legally have a drager's license what how

could you do this well you know the

moment I met you a voice in my head said

you were a crazy psycho what is my

lesson that's right Jane I am crazy

crazy in

love the moment I met you this morning

something happened something magical

something mystical and and well

something biological but I don't want to

go into that right now the point is I

knew right then and there that I could

deny you

nothing you know you didn't have to lie

about being able to drive to oppress me

really you mean you would have gone out

with me even if I had told the truth

well no I would have thought you were

super dark I guess you did have to go

through all this oh no I feel sad that

you'll probably go to jail if forced you

into relationship with someone of your

own

sex e

pain hey you know what really top off

the evening here tonight what a

kiss Chris we're going over 80 M an hour

you're

right now we're on a pretty straight

road well

okay

oh that was great I wish there was

something I could do to help you really

you mean it yeah well you know what we

can trade places no you're kidding want

I get in trouble you just leave that to

me Jane okay you're lucky you're so damn

cute well get the horse's a*s already

we're pursuing it Fred what the hell's

that shotgun for

decoration have to do a number on your

paint job Fred well couldn't you just

take out the rear

windshield I guess so I could live with

that well you're the public who pays our

salary if you say

k*ll we

K

okay okay now just put your foot on top

of mine and hold it there okay oh that

feels kind of good doesn't it wow

imagine me a l mining waitress and a

high speed car

chase wow we're doing it we're doing it

we're up on two wheels this is so

cool your final warning fall over or we

will sh**t they're so

jealous I got to admit that was fun good

day

what seems to be the problem

officer okay you two out of the

car uh officer I uh I think this whole

thing has been a little misunderstanding

you know what I

mean

Chris

sad okay what the hell's going on here I

thought you said the car was stolen

stolen no no Dad I'm sorry I thought I

mentioned to you that I I had a date

tonight I didn't think you'd mind if

Jane and I borrowed the car Jane has a

driver's license you know Dad I don't

mind son I just wish I would have known

it would have saved us a harrowing car

chase she's quite a knockup nice cat

okay now wait a second some serious law

has have still been broken here they

disate an officer of the law and let us

on a highspeed chase wait a second is

that what you think I'll have you know

sir that we were almost k*lled in that

car see what happened was the gas pedal

got stuck and and the more we tried to

pull it out the more it got stuck and if

it wasn't for this Plucky little lady

right here we'd both be dead right now

that's the most ridiculous story I ever

you know the same thing happened to me

just last week I I thought it was a

fluke boy if it happened again while I

was driving and my old reflexes weren't

fast enough well you may have saved my

life too little

[Laughter]

lady okay Dad that's

enough well I guess if your dad

corroborates the story there's no harm

done yeah but get that death trap looked

at first thing in the warning officer

I'm sorry to have caused you all this

trouble oh that's okay the Donut's more

than made up for it something a little

extra G Dad thanks for making up that

story and saving our hides what story

the thing had me up on two wheels well I

guess everything's great then come

on what I think you should tell your

father the truth are you you nuts I'm

off the hook why would I put myself

through do you want to see me again Dad

I have a confession to

make I stole the car while you and Mom

were sleeping I was driving without a

license and we were running from the

police she was driving I saw her no no

we we traded places while we were

driving wow pretty

neat dad I want you to know that I

learned a valuable lesson here tonight

actually quite a few lessons let's see

never to drive without a driver's

license don't run from the police and

finally and and most importantly driving

is a privilege and not a write those are

all fine lessons to learn son only wish

you'd learned them 15 years earlier like

most people and you're not going to

punish me dad what the hell can I do

you're 30 years

old I forgot thanks Dad I love you come

on acting like little daddy's boy in

front of the girl is hurting a chances

of

scoring come on kids get in the car I'll

drive you home

[Music]

great Simpson thought that passing the

fourth grade was tough wait till he

competes in the Springfield miniature

golf championship this Thursday will

bart be a contender find out on an

allnew Simpsons followed by a special

presentation of Parker Lewis Can't Lose

later tonight Howie Mandel stars and an

all new good grief now stay tuned for

Married with Children

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