03x17 - Saturn's Six

[bunniefuu]

-[eerie music]

-[man laughing]

I had a great time.

-Me, too. Call me?

-I'm already dialing.

-[both laugh]

-Okay, it wasn't that funny,
we should probably--
-Yeah.

-[dog yelping]

-Courtney:
Help! My puppy!

It got hit by a car!

Also, there-there's a baby,
with a torn ACL.

-Oh, my God!

-Courtney:
Like a moth to the flame.
-[air whooshes]

-[gasps]

-You've fallen prey
to my dark seduction.

-Oh, my God!

You look like sh*t.
-Hey!

-Do you need help?
-No! You need help!

I'm a sexy vampire.

-What're you doing?

-Mesmerizing you.

-I don't think you are.

Look, I'm tired and you
smell like dead cheese.

I'm going home.

[gasps]
-You leave me no choice.

[grunts]
-Ah!

-Ahh!

-[dramatic music]

-I'm sorry.

I don't want to bite you
if you're not into it.

I'm just really hun-- ahh!

-[woman panting]
-Ahh! You maced me!

For the record, I let you go,

you did not escape!

-[stomach grumbling]

-[hammering]

-Pathetic.

A vampire I, myself, created,

has yet to feast.

-Lemans, listen, man.

It was a real Buffy situation.

-Silence!
-Ahh!

-You disgrace my line.

Feasting on rats?!

-I do not feast on rats!

They're too cute.

-SMH, dude, SMH hard.

Finish this coffin by dawn,

and perhaps I won't leave you
to cook in the morning sun!

[screeches]

-Guess I'm the only
g*dd*mn vampire

that took shop class.

-Black Saturn: Help!
-Huh?

-Black Saturn: [groaning]
Help!

-Saturn?

Black Saturn!

-Help... me...
-What happened?!

-The League...

captured...

all of them.

-You can hide here.
-No! I'm going to break
them out.

And you're going to help me.

-[theme song playing]

-♪♪
-[vital signs monitor beeping]

-Heart rate's stabilized.

I apologize for the
medically induced slumber.

But these cells aren't
designed to hold Gods.

-[lasers humming]

-Cooch:
Yo, Optimo Rex,
you can't lock us up.

We're on TV, dude!

-Liplor:
Whoever built this toilet

has never seen my kind
go to the bathroom.

This thing should be bolted
into the foundation.

-A symbol of American freedom,
locked behind bars?!

If this is irony then,
brother, I don't like it.

-You have been quarantined
for your own safety.

You have been in contact
with the hostile insectoid.

Until she is apprehended--

-She has a name.

Lex, my daughter.

You know, when they
cloned me to make you,

they should have
given you a heart.

-But I must compartmentalize
my feelings,

if I am to keep
everyone safe.

-Standing between me
and my daughter

is the opposite of "safe."

-You appear to have forgotten
the severe beating I issued you.

I hope I didn't
damage your brain.

-My brain's fine!

-Then, you should help Lex
the only way you can...

waiting quietly until
Sergeant Agony brings her in.

I've provided old copies
of Highlightsmagazine
to keep you busy.

-Cooch:
Hell yeah!

-I'm ashamed
I ever hugged you!

-I am not,

and never will be.

-By God, that is
a positive individual.

-[barking]

[sniffing]

[barking]

-Are you on to something,
or are you doing the poop dance?

Let me grab my bag.

-No, I've got her scent.

-How the hell do I know?

Buster Nut,
you see anything?

-Not yet, but if she
takes to the air, I will.

And with those
leggings she wears,

I should get
a pretty tasty angle

on that sweet, sweet--

-Sergeant Agony:
Come on, man,
you're still on the mic.

-I know, that's what
makes it hot.

-Blue Menace, you got anything?
-Blue Menace: Nothing.

Save the incessant
bickering of this
circus couple

you teamed me up with.
-I'm just saying,

if we had taking out
Beta Zenith as a team,

I might not be so insecure.

-Groaner,
I'm not your therapist.

-If you'd come see
Dr. Lolly with me,
you wouldn't have to be.

-Hey, I'm gonna need
everybody to focus up.

-[barking]
I've got something!

-We're on Lex's tail now.

-Now that you mention it,
I do need to take a dump.

Can I have five?

Two rounds
of "Candy Crush" tops.

-Son of a b*tch.

-[dramatic music plays]

-[sighs]

-[eerie music plays]

-Courtney:
You're the only one
who escaped?

-Yeah, that's right.

I was too smart for 'em.

-Really?
-Yes, really!

Or they didn't think I was
a threat, which is so absurd,

I-- whoa-oh!

Oh, what the hell, dude?!

-I'm sorry,

I can barely support
my own weight.

If I don't feast
on human blood soon--

-Great story, Dean Koontz.
Now shush!

-[dramatic music plays]
-[drones whirring]

-Time to do a little recon,
Saturn style.

Agony knows I'm out here.

He'll probably have every one
of his men guarding the mansion.

-[drones whirring]

-[camera beeping]

-Courtney:
It's a ghost town, dude.

-Probably all hiding inside,
ambush, classic.

-[drone whirs]

-Courtney:
No one's there, dude.

-Black Saturn:
No way!

-[metal clanging]

-The hell?

-Rex!

-Saturn?
- Where the hell is everybody?

-Looking for Lex,

but they left Optimo Rex
behind to--

-What?!
Dude, that's an insult!

Oh, I get it.

They think I'm dead.

Excellent.

-Uh, they know you're alive,

and they know that Optimo Rex

is more than enough
to tear you in half!

-Are you kidding me?!

-You need to get a message
to Devizo.

-He can find--
-No. I can do this myself.

-Rex, the lift.

-[dramatic music plays]

-[elevator dings]

-You would need an army
to take Optimo down.

Stand down.
-[elevator dings]

-Oh, no, no, no, wait!

-It is chow time.

-I'm not hungry, as*h*le.

-Fine.

-I was...

-No! He thinks
I'll need an army?

I'll bring an army.

I've got my first soldier
right here.

Right, Courtney?

-Maybe I'm busy.

-But you're my sidekick,
the Ringler.

-I got turned into
a vampire because of you,

and you just left me to rot.

-I had stuff going on.

I was hung up on The Groaner.

It was Summer Slam weekend.

-Well, now,
I'm an undead animal,

living with jerks
who think I'm useless,

which was kind of like
when I lived at the mansion,

but at least I didn't
smell like cheese!

-Look...

I don't know if you've
ever fallen in love before.

-Of course not.
I'm not a girl.

-Well, it messes
with your priorities, man.

It makes you do stupid things.

-Like forgetting
about your friend?

-Like forgetting
about your best friend.

-Come here, you son of a b*tch

But seriously, I'm not gonna be
any help to you if I don't get
some human blood.

-Leave that to me.

-[teeth retract]
-Hey! I didn't mean me!

-Oh...
[chuckles]

Sorry.

-Black Saturn:
Bunsen?

Bunsen?

Bunsen!

-It would mean a lot more to me

if you would let me
drink your blood.

-Nah, you don't want that.

There's 200-proof tiger's blood
coursing through my veins.

It'd give you a tummy ache.

-You called...

-...sir?
-Bunsen, think you could tie off
with one of your shoelaces?

Gonna need to squeeze you
for a few pints of red.

-Sir, I don't want
to alarm you, but I smell...

-[dramatic note plays]
-...vampire.

-Oh, yeah. It's Courtney--

whoa-h*-h*!

-[Bunsen speaking Latin]

-[screaming]
-Oh, no, hey,
what the hell are you doing?!

-Disposing of the undead, sir.

-Since when is that your job?

-For millennia, the Bunsens have
protected the Wheelihan line,

waiting for the day
the Dracuvlads and Wolfenlykes

would return
to claim their seed.

This will come as a shock,
young Wheelihan,

but you are the chosen one.

-Yeah, no sh*t.

-Sir?

-I was neck deep
in Dracuvlads months ago.

Where were you then?

-Awaiting the call.

-Would've been nice to know.

-They turned me into
a vampire to get to him.

If you hadn't had
your head up your a*s,

I wouldn't be in this position.

The least you could do
is give me a little damn blood.

-I'll get you a straw.

-Damn right you'll
get me a straw.

And the sun is coming up.

I'm gonna need a coffin, too.

-We have this box
from Amazon fresh.

-What did you order?

-A carton of almond milk.

-Get your rest, Courtney.

Tonight,
we take Optimo Rex down.

-[eerie music plays]
-[whimpering]

-[roaring]

-[roars]

-Ahh!
[panting]

-Chet:
I'm picking up her trail.

-Blue Menace:
She's here!

-[laser zaps]
-Ahh!

Ugh!

[screaming]

Ugh!

-[force field warbles]
-What?

Let me go.

-I can't do that.

-[chittering, screeches]

-[force field shattering]
-[screaming]

You couldn't have mimed
some safety glass?

-No!
[groans]

-We're running out of time!
Get after her!

-On a scale of Paltrow
to Kardashian,

I rank her butt
a Ratajkowski minus.

-Shut up, fool!

-Careful.
-Got it.

-[computer whirring]

-Robobot:
A complete sample
of Frau Mantis' DNA,

a copy of Lex's insect side.

With this--
-The gene ripper
just might work.

-She wanted you to finish it...

one way or the other.

-Even if stripping away
her insect DNA kills her?

Then we continue our work.

-[dramatic music]

-Titanium Rex:
Psst! Liplor.
-Yes?

-These walls are impenetrable,

but the floors are poured
from diamond-enriched concrete.

You think you can eat your way
through the floor?

-Eating concrete would
be the equivalent of
eating excrement.

You're literally asking me
to eat sh*t.

I'd rather not.

-But, you could.

-Technically...

-Then I need you to try.

-Ugh, here we go.

-Liplor: [bites]
Oh, my God!

-Cooch:
You got this, Liplor!

-Liplor:
I'm going to be sick!

-[dramatic music plays]

-Black Saturn:
This team is coming together,

but I need the one man
who trusts me with his life,

Commissioner Gomez,

which is why we're meeting
at the symbol of our bond,

the Saturn symbol--

What the hell?!

I told them to clean
this G.D. thing twice a day!

-Commissioner Gomez:
It's the thing you can never
wrap your head around, Saturn.

Storm City P.D.
don't work for you.

-Then where is the $1,500
a month I send you
for signal upkeep.

-Gonna be honest,
we drink that money.

-[laughs]
Whew...

You keep things
interesting, Gomez,

but now it's my turn.

I'm assembling a team.

-Nope. Nope.
-But-- just--

-Shut up!
-The League of Freedom
has been arrested!

-Yeah, I heard about that.

Got to be honest,

doesn't sit well with me.

-Then you're gonna--
then you'll-- but--
-No. No.

-No way.
-Courtney: Oh, sick!

Never seen birds
have sex before.

Kind of wish I hadn't.

-Courtney?
I remember you.

You was with Black Saturn
for a while there.

Man, those were the days.

You on this team?

-Sure am.
-Then I'm in.

-What?! Because of Courtney?!

You know he's
a freaking vampire, right?

-Who hasn't been
bit by a vampire.

I had a run in the '80s,
nothing I'm proud of.

You just got to k*ll
the head vampire, then--

-Great story,
some real R.L. Stine sh*t.

You're on the team.
That's what matters.

-Our next move, sir?

-This team of four
needs two more picks,

if we're to become

Saturn Six!

I'm assembling a-- oh!

If we work together-- eh!

What do you say?
Ahh!

You know what?
This team is good.

Let's move.

-[slurps]

-[retches, sobbing]
I can't...

do this anymore.

-You've got to.

If we lose Lex
to her insect side, well,

we've all seen the future
that leads to.

-Speaking of, I'm feeling
a little ripped off.

Wasn't I supposed to kick off
this apocalyptic future

by becoming president?

-That's how it was
supposed to happen,

before we traveled
to the future...

-Ugh!
-Titanium Rex:
...and Lex met herself.

-Ahh!
-[hissing]

-[cracking]

-When I consume you,
look under the golden rock.

-[air whooshes]

-There's no way of knowing
how that changed things.

-But what if there
is no hope for Lex?

If need be,

do you have the strength
to do what must be done?

-How long did it take
to come up with a plan?

The sun comes up
in, like, an hour.

-Sorry. I got sucked
into Divorceon HBO.

I was obviously procrastinating,

but that's my process.

Who's ready to do this?!

-Tell him, Bunsen.

-We were talking,

and perhaps it would
be best to call it.

-Yeah, maybe we
should call it...

a comeback.

Let's move!

-Look, we've been watching
this Optimo Rex.

He's been up doing
yard work since 3:30.

He's a machine.

That's a 7-year-old oak
he's hand-mulching there.

We're outgunned,
I tell ya.

-You guys don't think
we can do this?

-Optimo Rex beat Titanium Rex
single-handedly.

-Yeah? So?

-Maybe this fight is above
your weight class...

and intelligence,

-and emotional maturity.
-What do you know, Bunsen?

You're just a butler.

Here, why don't you go
run some errands?

That's all you're good for.

-Yes... sir.

-Courtney,

here are the schematics
to the mansion's power grid.

You're gonna turn into a bat
and find the power main.

Chew through the wires.

That'll disable
the League's cells,

-and then we'll be able--
-But the sun is coming up!

-Just go!

-You said I could trust you.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can.

-[screeches]

-Saturn, as much as I'd like
to see you march in there
and get your head taken off,

I'm an officer of the law.
-[g*n c*ck]

-I can't let you do that.

-Oh... sh*t.

-[Courtney grunting, groaning]

[screeches]

Ugh, that's like doing 2,000
lat pulls on an empty stomach.

-[chanting music plays]

-Sun's coming up.

[wings flapping]

-[digging]

-Hey, Optimo Rex,

got something
you're looking for.

-[dramatic music plays]

-[retches]
I-I can't do this.

-Then... it's over.

-What about Saturn?
He could still--

I don't know.

What does Saturn do again?

-Exactly.

-I appreciate you
bringing the fugitive in,
Commissioner Gomez.

I'll take it from here.

-Afraid it's not that simple.

Gonna need you
to fill out some paperwork.

We do things by the book
at SEPD.

-I hope you won't be offended,

but if I'm going
to sign something,

I have to read
the entire document.

-Sure, sure.

Wouldn't have it any other way.

-[suspenseful music plays]
-[handcuffs click]

-Yeah, this one
was slippery, uh, he--

-Black Saturn:
Hey, rat d*ck!

-[dramatic music plays]
-Think you could lock up

my friends without getting
your sh*t kicked in?

-You were supposed to sneak off
and free your team, you idiot.

-Calling an audible.

-You... lied to me.

I find that... annoying.

-Can't hear you.

Why don't you speak
into the microdrone?

-[drones whirring]

-[retches]

I think Saturn's here.

-What are these things?

-I'd tell you,
but I don't want to...

"drone" on.
Attack!

-[lasers zapping]

-[arm cannon whirs]
-[explosions]

-Oh, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

-Okay, you boys
got this covered.

Gomez out.

-This is it, Courtney.

Chew like your life
depends on it.

[grunting]

-I find your behavior
disturbing.

I'm having trouble
containing my anger.

-Black Saturn:
No need.

-[heavy footsteps]

-Look what I found.

Ultra Saturn, baby.

Face, face, face,

again to the face,
another one to the face,

face, face, face, face, face,
face, face, face,

face!

-[intense music plays]
-You shouldn't have
made me angry.

-[grunts]

-Let's see how you do
in a fair fight.

Computer,

kitchen sink.

-[targeting computer whirring]

-[m*ssile launchers c*ck]

-[targeting computer beeping]

-Ugh! Ugh! Ahh!
Ugh! Ugh! Ow!

[grunting, groaning]
Oh! Ahh! Ahh!

-[crashes]

-[groans]

-I do quite well in
a fair fight,

thank you very much.

-Ugh. Ugh.

-How did you ever convince
yourself you could beat me?

-I...

I know I'm not the strongest
hero out there,

but I'm not a bad decoy.

-[electricity crackles]
-Got ya, b*tch!

Ahh! Ugh.

[coughing]

-[lasers hissing]

-He did it.

That son of a b*tch did it!

-Cool. So, I, uh--

I swallowed 800 pounds
of sh*t for nothing!

-Ugh. take you long enough?
[coughs]

I got the sh*t kicked
out of me, man!

-Are you kidding me?!

I'm about to burst
into flames, you d*ck.

-You are not.
-Shut the f*ck up!

-All you think about
is yourself!

Well, I want you to see
what happens!

I want you to see
your best friend

burst into flames!

[whimpers]

-[dramatic music plays]

-Hey, I feel... different.

-Looks like Bunsen
completed his errands.

-[electronic music plays]

-[roar]
-[grunts]

-[g*nf*re]

-[grunts]

-[Dracuvlad screams]

-You don't think it's--

-Don't speak his name.

The opposite of House Bunsen.

-[Lemans hisses]
-[Luprecious grunts]

-[Lemans screeches]

-[screams]

-[grunting, groaning]

-[groaning]

[coughs]

-Courtney says, "Hello,"

-sir.
-[flesh tears]

-[screaming]

-You actually care about me.

-Dude, you're my
best friend-- ugh!

-[arm cannon whirs]

-I have been more than polite.

This is over.

-Looks that way.

-What? Ugh!

-I am awake.

-Wait, wait, wait!
Wait a second.

You... did all this?

-Yeah, I did! I--

I mean, the Ringler did it...

under my supervision.

-I don't care how you did it.

Thank you.

Saddle up, team.

Lex is out there,

and we're going to save her.

♪♪

-Leave me alone!

-[laser zapping]
-Don't know what I'm capable of!

Ugh!

[grunting]

-[dramatic music plays]

-[laser zapping]

-[screaming]

-[laser zapping]

-Sergeant Agony:
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold up, hold up, hold up!

Stop firing, g*dd*mn it!

-[expl*si*n]

-Buster Nut:
Oh, sh*t.

-[dramatic music plays]

-Oh, no.

I just k*lled Rex's daughter.

-[rumbling]

-Rex's daughter is gone.

[screeches]

And I k*lled her.

[screeching]

-Mm, still making
those leggings work.

-[theme song playing]

-[monkey chatters]
-Man: Stupid monkey.

-[paper tearing]
-[monkey cry]

-[slap]