01x10 - Babes in the Wood

[bunniefuu]

I'll grab the food Marjorie
made us. You start the car.

We'll be on the lake before
the team even wakes up.

JEWBOT: Good morning!
Jewbot!

[STAMMERS]
What are you doing up?

As I do not technically
require sleep,

I arrive for breakfast
at 3:45 every morning.

And wait.

Wow, that's...
Depressing
for some reason.

Where are you two going?

Where are you two going?
Rex and I are going on a
fishing-and-camping trip,
like old times.

Rex and I are going on a
fishing-and-camping trip,
like old times.

Get back to nature.

So, you just sit here
every morning?

Just... God, why does
that bum me out?

I would like to
accompany you.

No way!
[STAMMERS]

You go camping
to unplug.

We're not even
bringing phones!

I could cut off the connection
to my cloud-based servers.

I will lose 95%
of my processing power,

but I won't "bum you out"
with my infinite knowledge.

That sounds dangerous.

You're right.

I will just sit here quietly
for the next 36 hours.

And wait.

Oh, dear God,
it's so sad.

All right, fine!
You can come.

[SIGHS] Guess I'll go clear up
some space in the Winnebago.
[DOOR OPENS]

Can't believe we
closed that club down!

Maybe we should sleep now.

Not that I'm not
having a blast

with my much
younger girlf...

Whoa!
[SHRIEKS]

What the hell
is going on here?

Oh! Uh, Lex and I
were out... Fighting crime.

Uh, the villain had a foam
machine! He was called,
uh, The Foamer!

The Foamer, huh?

Lex, help me out, here!
Um...

Dad. Hey, Dad,
look over here. Hey, have
you done that thing yet?

[SOFTLY] Have you told Ranger
about you and Gloria yet?

[SOFTLY] Have you told Ranger
about you and Gloria yet?
Lex, you don't just come out
and tell a man you've been
banging his wife

Lex, you don't just come out
and tell a man you've been
banging his wife

while he was trapped
in a time tunnel.

You have to butter him up,
and that is why I planned
this camping trip.

You're going camping?
Oh, sh*t!

I want to go!

No! No, it's just
me and Ranger.

I am going.
And Jewbot.

What's all
the ruckus?

What's all
the ruckus?
They're going
camping without us!

They're going
camping without us!

Aw, that's not fair!

None of you like camping!
Not one of you!

Sorry, Rex.
We got that FOMO.

Fear Of Missing Out?

[ALL PLEADING]

All right, fine!
You can all come!

God damn it! Every Tom,
d*ck and Whatever.

I'll just go f*ck myself.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

You want some Cooch?

[GASPS]

[GRUNTING]

Don't get mad.
Get Brad.

Where the hell
are we?

You told me you had
the route planned out.

When I went
into the time tunnel,

there were, like,
three roads!

[GROANS] I forgot
how awful maps are.

Why don't I have
my phone?

What's with
all the trees?

Man, I'm a house cat!
I'm not cut out for the wild!

I'm sure it's
not that wild.

Jewbot, are there any animals
we should worry about
in these parts?

I... I don't know.

It appears severing myself
from the server has made me
a... Not smart... Thing.

sh*t, what are these?

Hey, Rex, any chance
we could make a pit stop?

The RV has a toilet.

Yeah, not anymore.

God damn it.
Hold on.

[EXCLAIMING IN PANIC]
Coming through!
[GROANS]

BRAD: We've got about
three seconds, people!

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Ain't seen a map
in a long time.

We're unplugged,
all right?

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Well, well, well.

Looks like we got
a smarty-pants metal man.

Where you going,
metal man?

I do not know.
Shut up!

I apologize.
My intelligence has left me.

Being smart
is for pussies.

When I see a smart person,
I just... [GRUNTS]

Yeah, I broke my hand.
It's broken.

Interesting. You wallow
in your ignorance,

replacing intelligence
with aggression and cruelty.

Damn right we do!
[LAUGHING]

I think the woods
sound romantic, Saturn.

Actually, it might be
a good place for us to take
things to the next level.

Are you nuts? Do you know
what Rex would do to me

if he found out
I'm dating his daughter?

Why are you so scared
of him?

Hey, sweetheart.
You look tired.

How about sitting down
on my face for a while?
[LAUGHING]

What did you just
say to my daughter?

[SCREAMS]

Beee-yoop.

Okay. Everybody back
in the 'Bago.

I may or may not have
just committed a felony.

Let's move!
[BRAD GRUNTS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Ah, fresh mountain air.

Rex, we bunking together
just like the old days?

Ranger, I wouldn't share
a tent with anyone else.

The longer you wait
to tell him, the more
it's going to hurt.

I know, but look at him.
He's so happy.

[WHISTLING AND LAUGHING]

[WHISTLING AND LAUGHING]
Hello, American friend!

Hello, American friend!

He deserves to know.

I'll tell him when
the time is right.

[TREES CREAKING]
Oh. What?
Did you see it?

Is that wind or is
that something bad?

Yeah, I swear
to God that branch...

What's that branch doing?
Put... Put your branch
down, branch.

Uh, Cooch,
are you okay?

There's too much
going on out here, man!

You take a house cat
out in the woods,
and we can go feral!

You take a house cat
out in the woods,
and we can go feral!
And we don't
want that.

And we don't
want that.

Hey, uh, what does
"feral" mean?

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
I don't know, and I'm proud
of that, as*h*le.

What is with you?

I don't know.
And I'm proud
of that... as*h*le.

[HESITANTLY]
Okay.

Come on, Saturn.
What's the worst
that could happen?

He could put my face through
an F150! You saw that, right?

Ugh, I need something
to settle my nerves. Bunsen!

Your drink, sir.

Oh, thank you,
Bunsen.

Is there anything
else, sir?

Ba, ba, ba,
ba, ba, ba.

Ba, ba, ba,
ba, ba, ba.
Wait, where did he
come from?

Wait, where did he
come from?

Ah, I guess this tent
comes with a personal butler.

Didn't realize it until
I heard what sounded like

someone suffocating
under several layers
of rubber.

Where was he?

Suffocating under
several layers of rubber.

Suffocating under
several layers of rubber.
BUNSEN: I'm fine
now, sir!

BUNSEN: I'm fine
now, sir!

Little chattier than I'd like,
but what are you gonna do?

What was that?
Oh, sh*t! Man, that tree...

Did that tree...
Did you see that tree move?

You gonna rotate
that wiener, Bunsen?

[GROANS]
Of course, sir.

[SLURPING]

[SPITS]
Leg cramp!

[SCREAMS] Oh! I'm quite
all right, sir.

Oh, no one's asking?
All right, then.

Any y'all mind if I throw
this possum on the fire?
[FLIES BUZZING]

Some dipshit left it
on the side of the road.

Maybe disconnecting
from your server
was a bad idea.

Maybe...
[MOCKINGLY BABBLES]

Yeah, that's great.

Can someone tell a story
or something?

Can someone tell a story
or something?
Ooh, ooh!
I've got one.

Ooh, ooh!
I've got one.

This is the tale of the man
who couldn't tell the truth.

[LAUGHING]
Sounds fun!

A man who let his dong
lead him around
like it was possessed.

Well, that took
a dark turn.

One day,
the soul-less man decided

he'd go d*ck-spelunking
into a cave that wasn't his.

Sounds like a terrible man.
Barely a man at all.

[STAMMERS]
How about if
I tell a story?

It's about a nosy
young woman

who couldn't keep out
of other people's business.

Sounds more like
a parable.

I like my story better.

I think we're being generous
calling any of these stories.

May I?

WWII,

a foxhole deep
in the armpit of France.

Doesn't matter where.
All of Europe is a sh*t h*le.

The German panzers were
closing in on our position.

We had dead.
We had wounded.

We all knew
we were going to die.

Just as the tanks
crested the hill above us,

a figure appeared
in the sky.

I saw a hand
reaching down for me.

I saw a hand
reaching down for me.
It was the hand of the
best man I've ever known.

It was the hand of the
best man I've ever known.

It was the hand of the
best man I've ever known.
Jesus!

Jesus!

Titanium Rex.

He saved us all.

And I swore an oath that day.
An oath of loyalty

to a man I can trust
with my life.

To Titanium Rex.

Ranger, there's something
I have to tell you...

Tomorrow,
on our fishing trip.

There goes
the finest man I've ever...

Cooch, what in the hell
is going on with you?

What you looking at,
G.I. Joe?

What you looking at,
G.I. Joe?
You're completely unkempt!
Stop looking at me like that.

You're completely unkempt!
Stop looking at me like that.

[INDISTINCT CLAMORING]
What you want to do, Cleb?

[INDISTINCT CLAMORING]
What you want to do, Cleb?
Oh, I got something real sweet
planned for these heroes.

Oh, I got something real sweet
planned for these heroes.

Yeah, but what,
exactly, though?

You'll know
soon enough.

Give us a hint?

Maybe just the direction
you're heading?

Okay, I haven't come up
with nothing yet! Happy?

Are we gonna need
these shotguns?

Uh... Yeah, totally!

Giddy-up.

Morning, Rex!

[YAWNS]
Yeah.

I can't wait to go
fishing.

I think we should discuss
something first.

Gloria told me you put
your rod in her trunk.

No worries.
I grabbed it before we left!

[MUTTERS]
Oh, thank Christ.

Have you seen
my wife's box?

Oh, there it is!

Gloria tells me you're
a big fan of the bum tickler.

Can't argue
with you there.

Can't argue
with you there.
The fish go crazy
for this thing!

The fish go crazy
for this thing!

You know, Rex, you're wasting
an awful lot of coffee.

[WHISTLING]

[MUTTERS] Dear God,
this is going to suck!

[GROANING]

Nothing like a good night's
sleep and fresh mountain...

[SCREAMS]
Good morning.

Is it? What happened to you?

I had to sleep on the ground
last night.

[LAUGHING]
You didn't bring a tent?

Well, kind of assumed
I'd be sleeping in yours.

Come on. You know what
would happen if we slept
in the same tent.

No, I don't.
Why don't you tell me?

Or better yet,
show me?

Have you lost your
freaking mind?

Keep your voice down!
He has supersonic hearing.

Why, yes, it is nice having
a platonic relationship
with you, Lex!

Why, yes, it is nice having
a platonic relationship
with you, Lex!
Come on!

Come on!

Don't you want to...

Okay, okay, fine.

But we got to get you
cleaned up first.

Bunsen! See what
you can do with this.

I'm not a magician,
but I'll do my best.

Oh. Okay.

Well, no denying it now.

I'm going feral.
Son of a b*tch.

I don't know.
I kind of like it.

Oh, really?

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Those claws
are like X-ACTO blades!

Just... Just sit
over there, please!

Well, well, well.
What do we got here?

Uh, Brad and Cooch.

You wear an awful lot
of pink for a tough guy.

Something you
want to tell me?

Uh, that's my skin.

Whoa, whoa!
Are you hitting on me?

Dude, you are really
not helping right now.

I'll help you.
Shut your dumb face!

Line starts here.
Take a ticket.

Uh, Cooch,
let's go for a hike.

I don't know what the hell
to make of that.

Pretty sure
that means I don't like it.

Ahh! This is
what I fought for, Rex.

This is what
it's all about.

Now, what did
you want to tell me?

Well, there's no easy way
for me to say this.

God, I don't even know
how to begin.

I can't get it up
for Gloria anymore!

Whoa!
Father Time has
taken that woman

Whoa!
Father Time has
taken that woman
to the cleaners
and forgot to pick her up.

to the cleaners
and forgot to pick her up.

I'll honor the vows
I made, of course,

but sometimes I wish

she had found someone else
and moved on.

Oh, really?
Then we could separate,

and I could be happy,
totally guilt-free.

Well, I never
looked at it that way.

I would just want to know
he was a good guy,

someone who knew
how to treat her right,

someone I could trust.

Well, this is... Whoo!

[CHUCKLES AND CLEARS THROAT]

I have some good
news for you.

What do you mean?

[TITANIUM REX
SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[AMERICAN RANGER WAILING]

Tadah!
[CHUCKLES]

That Bunsen's
pretty good.

Might need to unwrap him
from the tent a
couple times a year.

Will you be fornicating
in the tent, sir?

We're good, thanks.

[WHISPERS]
Let's go someplace private.

Ooh. What, like, in the woods
with the bugs? Blah!

I promise

that's the last thing
you'll be thinking about.

Are you... Oh, sh*t.

Are you sure this
is a good idea?

Are you sure this
is a good idea?
I'm hearing the call
of the wild, man!

I'm hearing the call
of the wild, man!

Cooch, nature isn't scary.

It's beautiful.
It's peaceful.

♪ The woods, they are
a symphony ♪

[BOAR GROWLING]
[SCREAMS]

Cooch! Hand me
another bird!

[GROWLING]
BRAD: Cooch?

[SHRIEKS]
[WHIMPERS]

Whoa. That was close.

Glad you were here.
[SNARLING]

Cooch?
[DISTORTED]
I can't stop it!

Run!
[SHOUTS]
Help!

I knew it!
It's a g*dd*mn chupacabra.

CLEB: Well, look who it is.
[g*n c*ck]

Our pretty little
metal man.

[YELLS]

How could you?
With my wife?

How could you?
With my wife?
You asked me
to take care of her.

You asked me
to take care of her.

Like give her a ride
to church!

Not two tickets
to Pound Town!

You were dead
for all I knew.

Oh, when you found out
I was alive, you stopped.

Yeah, uh...

Son of a b*tch!

Ooh! Uh! Ranger, please,
you've got to forgive me.

I'm your best friend.

Former best friend.

[GASPS]
You wouldn't!

Watch me.

No! Ranger, come back!

I get it
you're mad.

How can you get it?

How would you
possibly know...
[MOANING]

How would you
possibly know...
[MOANING]
[SCREAMS]
Huh? Ranger?

[SCREAMS]
Huh? Ranger?

Saturn!
Dad?

Lex!
[SCREAMS]

I'm f*cking
out of here!

I'll k*ll him!
Rip him apart!

Get off of me!
Holy sh*t!
[GROWLING]

What the hell
is wrong with you?

Dad, stop it!
You're acting crazy.
Calm down.

You... Okay. Y... You...
You're right. You're right.

You... Okay. Y... You...
You're right. You're right.
Saturn!
Cooch!

Saturn!
Cooch!

They're gonna
get lost out there.

If we split up,
we can find them before
the sun goes down.

Ranger, I need you to...
Not this time, Rex.

What? What do you mean?

What? What do you mean?
I once swore an oath to a man
I trusted with my life,

I once swore an oath to a man
I trusted with my life,

a man who believed
in honor, friendship, loyalty.

You... I don't even know
who you are.

I am no longer a member
of the League of Freedom.

"Let's tell Ranger
about the decades-long affair
I had with his wife!"

Bravo! Great idea, Lex.

I have a lot
to catch up on.

Right up here's where I saw
that chupacabra, clear as day.

Cool. We'll find her there,
metal man. We got your back.

Why do we have
his back, Cleb?

Because, dumbass,
that chupacabra hangs out

with that silver-haired
cape monkey

that put my head
through my truck.

What you gonna do
with that boy when
you find him, Cleb?

Why you always
put me on the spot?

It would just be nice to know
where we're going with this.

You know I can't think
under pressure! God damn it!

Bingo, lingo, dingo.
Not far now.

BLACK SATURN:
I'm a man without a team.

My heart betrayed me,
and now Rex wants me dead.

My heart betrayed me,
and now Rex wants me dead.
Which is bullshit,
because I didn't even finish.

Which is bullshit,
because I didn't even finish.

[EXCLAIMS]

[EXCLAIMS]
I navigate
urban jungles with ease.

I navigate
urban jungles with ease.

I'll eat this up
with a spoon.

[CHITTERING]

Is that squirrel laughing
at my d*ck?

h* h*. Oh, yeah?
Well, let's see what you got!

Holy sh*t.
Alvin is packing.

Right, Dad,
I did it on purpose.

You're totally right.
That was my plan all along.

You're totally right.
That was my plan all along.
Infiltrate the League
and weaken them
from the inside

Infiltrate the League
and weaken them
from the inside

by making my dad own up
to his own mistakes!

I'm gonna need you two
to shut up for a minute.

Daddy's got to
go to work.

Hey, Brad, buddy,
what... What's all that?

The tools
of my trade.

A highly-organized
combination of chemicals

that will allow my brain
to see higher realms

of order and meaning.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.
You're gonna do drugs.

Yeah, pretty much.

I don't mean to interrupt
your session,

but is this, like,
the best use of your time?

Cooch's ego has disappeared
into an ancient place.

I've got to talk to nature.
I've got to...

Oh, sh*t!
Here I go!

[DISTORTED]
Brad!

[BABBLING]

I'm really glad
I brought you all along.

[GRUNTS] There.
At least I'll have
a shred of dignity.

Oh! Damn it!

How do you keep your wang from
popping out of these things?

[SQUIRRELS CHITTERING]

[SQUIRRELS CHITTERING]
Oh! Ah! Stop laughing
at my d*ck!

Oh! Ah! Stop laughing
at my d*ck!

[COOCH GROWLING]
Huh?

Easy, girl.
It's me, Black Saturn.
Everything is...

Son of a b*tch!
Get back in there and stay!

[DISTORTED SHOUTING]

[BRAD BABBLING]

[BABBLING]
Ruh?

What the hell
is going on here?

Wh... Where am I?

"I" has no meaning here.

Here, spirits
commune directly,

beings of pure light.

Kind of looks
like a Dave & Buster's.

I can kind of see that.

Seriously, what the hell
is going on here?
[BOTH GRUNTING]

So, I went feral?
How do I get back?

Rearrange the letters
in the word "feral,"

and you get "fear."

What about that "L"?

The "L" stands for...

Lalala... "Let go."

You just made that up!

Let go of your fear.
That's the point.

There's nothing
to be afraid of.

Except that god damn "L"!
Keeping my eye on you, "L."

Forget about the "L"!

You're safe.
You can trust me.

I... I know.
Holy sh*t.

Where am I?

Brad, you did it!

[LAUGHS]
You're a genius!

[BABBLING]
Oh, my God.

[REDNECKS LAUGHING]

Rednecks?
Oh, we're screwed, Cooch.

I know you look up to me,
but I'm almost useless
without my gear.

Well, too bad for them.
I'm back.

[g*n c*ck]
Oh, they got g*ns?

Okay, let's get them
hands up. Way up.

"Hey, Rex, you just
lost your best friend.

"Oh, you need a cherry
for that sh*t sundae?

"Your daughter is f*cking
a moron!"

That's it! Everything that's
happened this weekend
has been your fault!

And I like Saturn!
I like him!

Why can't you just be
a supportive father?

Well, it's not as if I had
a lot of time to prepare,

seeing as you just showed up
on my doorstep unannounced!

[GASPS]

[VOICE BREAKING]
Oh, look, a tree. I'm just
gonna look at it for a minute.

[VOICE BREAKING]
Oh, look, a tree. I'm just
gonna look at it for a minute.
Lex, no, I... Oh!

Lex, no, I... Oh!

Excellent work, Rex.
You did it again.

LEX: [SCREAMS]
Dad, come quick!

Lex!

Lex!
Don't move, Dad.

Well, well, well, if it isn't
the silver-haired so-and-so

that ruined my favorite truck
and my favorite face.

Apparently,
not enough.

Careful. Billy and Sid
got the DTs...

In their
trigger fingers.
[CHUCKLING]

Just let me cover up
my wang!

Now we gonna settle this
once and for all.

Any other day, I would shove
that shotgun right up your a*s

and then tie it
in a knot!

But following my impulses
doesn't seem to be working out
too good for my team.

You let my friends go
and you...
[TAPPING AND RUSTLING]

Jewbot, you stop
that right now!

[LAUGHS]
Look at that thing.

You let my friends go,
and you do with me
what you will.

Deal!

Oh, right. I'm bulletproof.
Sorry about that.

Okay. Then I want you
to um...

To punch yourself
in the face!

Uh, okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Here goes.

[GRUNTS]
[REDNECKS LAUGH]

Yeah, that's right!
Now pull your pants down.

[UNLOCKS BELT]
[GASPS]

Taking a weird turn, Cleb.

Now, take that
shiny fist of yours

and shove it up
your a*s.

Here goes nothing.

Cleb!
[GRUNTING]

You know what
your problem is, son?

You know what
your problem is, son?
You're worried
about your kicks

You're worried
about your kicks

when you should be worried
about your friends.

What?
c*ck-doodle-doo,
m*therf*cker!

Ranger,
you came back!

It takes a big man
to stick his own fist up
his butthole for his team.

Now, I don't know
if I can be your friend,
you son of a b*tch,

but I'm proud
to call you my leader.

You didn't actually touch
your butthole with your...
Just checking.

Everyone okay?
Nothing hurt
but my digni...

Oh sh*t, oh sh*t,
oh sh*t, oh sh*t!

Bunsen?

Sir.
[LAUGHING]

Bunsen!
[SCREAMS]

Will there be
anything else, sir?

That'll do, Bunsen.
That'll do.

[GRUNTS]
[ROARS]

Let's get
the hell out of here.

[GRUNTING]
[MOANING]

[PURRING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Everyone,
I am reconnected to the cloud.

I am ready for civilized
conversation again.

[BABBLING]

Or I will put
my headphones on.

Psst! Ranger.
So, uh... We cool?

Absolutely not. No.

COOCH: Chill out, dude.
It's not like
he banged your mom.

You didn't sleep
with my mother,
did you, Rex?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
You know, I think
that's our turn up here.

Rex.

[YELLING] Rex?

[ECHOING]
Rex!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: Next week on
Bunsen: Backwoods Butler...

Dinner is served,
m*therf*cker!

[MEN GRUNTING]

ANNOUNCER: Bunsen!
He's kicking butler.