04x10 - Patriotism, Pepper, and Professionalism

[bunniefuu]

[ Announcer ]
tonight's mr. Show
with bob and david

Is being broadcast live
from the la questa resort

In scottsdale, arizona,

As part of the globo-Chem
corporation's

Yearly
"get motivated weekend."

Three days of business
awareness intensives,

Trust exercises,
motivational entertainment,

Drinks with touring
golf professionals,

And late-Night
hot tub sessions

With touring
golf professionals.

[ Emcee ]
and now,

If we could please
all put our hands together,

And welcome
the motivational humor
of bob and da...david.

Wow !

All right !

Awesome,
this is great.

We have got a comedy
show tonight

That's going to help
you laugh your sales

Right through
the roof !

You bet we do, bob.

Goodness, david,
why are you so tired ?

I was up late last night,
drinking with mr. Oliveri.

Well, let me tell
you something,

You think
you're tired,

This morning i challenged
jane smales in human resources

To see who could go through
the most diets in one day.

Who won ?
She won.

Of course,
she won !

That's great !

So, david, how come i didn't
see you at the tug-O-w*r ?

Oh, i wanted to,
but i had to bow out

Because they put me
behind jeff teasdale.

T.C. !

Right, now, why would
that make you quit ?

Because his adult
diaper broke and
i slipped in his sh*t !

[ Audience applauds ]

Well...

Well, i'll tell you,

I would certainly
love to hear more
of your stories,

But i have to go screw
larry taley's wife, sally.

Wait a second,
so do i !

[ Larry ]
wait, wait,
what the f*ck ?!

You're making jokes
about my wife !

Well, you guys asked
us to tailor our
performance for you.

That's what makes these
corporate gigs so fun.

My wife is
f*cking around ?
Who told you that ?

The same guy
who told us

That jeff teasdale
is incontinent.

Yeah, i think his
name was carl peters.

Carl peters told us.

That f*ck !
I'll k*ll that
son of a b*tch !

Okay.

Well, let's get
started with our

First act of
the evening.

We have got somebody who
you're going to recognize

From his numerous
t.V. And movie appearances.

Please welcome
josh fenderman,

And "honesty in motion".

Whoo !

♪ is this who
you think i am ♪

♪ who you
want me to be ♪

♪ am i your
dream maker ♪

♪ why can't you
let me be me ♪

[ Narrator ]
the road to the top
was a rocky one

For josh fenderman,

And he had no idea
it would lead to the bottom.

By the time that
he was 12-Years-Old,

Josh fenderman was
one of hollywood's
toppest young stars.

Commercials like this one,
for frankie p. Cheesewinkles
pleasure factory

An arcade and pizza place,

Catapulted him into
the upper echelon.

It's pumpkinninny !

America fell in love
with the young boy

Who made faces like
he couldn't believe
what he'd just said.

Nobody knew
his name,

But what his parents
knew was that they had
a hit on their hands.

People say his
father and i took
advantage of josh.

What they
don't realize is,

For the first five
or six years of his life,
he made no money at all.

Zero. We paid
for everything.

Finally we were getting
a return on our investment.

What was once
a whiny little baby

Was now a money bag
with teeth.

And then josh got the call
every actor waits for.

Director sol stevenberg
was widely acclaimed

As the best thing
to come out of hollywood

Since sliced bread,
not to mention its sequel,

Sliced bread ii,
electric boogaloo.

Three of his six films
were in the top 10
out of 12 of all time.

Sol tapped josh
to play the lead

In his next
blockbuster-To-Be,
the goober patrol.

It was a role that would
net him tens of millions

Of thousands of
hundreds of dollars.

Josh was on
top of the world.

And as he got older,
movies like

Dumbbell university
and tunafishing '87

Increased not only
josh's popularity,

But also his bankroll.

We built a glass
mansion on a hill

Overlooking a ghetto,

So the poor people
could look up and be
inspired by our wealth.

But even with
all this right,

What the public didn't see
coming was all the wrong.

By the end of the '80s,

Josh was flat broke.

Amazingly, josh doesn't
condemn the hollywood
party system for his decline.

There's only one
thing i can blame,

And that's
the money itself.

I didn't know how
to spend this money.

It didn't come
with instructions,

Or a manual.

I didn't realize that,
if you exchanged it

For property or services,

That they would
take it away for good.

And that's just
what they did.

Josh took
the kind of risk

He usually reserves
for his acting,

Waging a lengthy
court battle

Against the
treasury department.

Just let me say
this, all right ?

This money is gone.

I'm from hollywood,
i make millions of dollars

Pretending to be
other people.

But no one was pretending
when they took this
money away from me.

[ Reporters shouting ]

Josh won his case.

Forcing the
treasury department
to include a warning

On all newly
minted currency.

After josh's success,

Several similar
suits cropped up

In courthouses
all across the country.

Oh, this is so sweet,
i'll never eat it.

I missed you
so much.

You missed me ?

I missed you.

Oh, hon, this has been
the longest week of my life.

Let's never
break up again.

No.

So, what'd you
do all week ?

You mean,
besides cry ?

I barely left the house.
What about you ?

Well, i was
depressed.

And, i tried to get
my life together.

I signed up for
a tex-Mex cooking class.

Oh, do you mind ?

No.

Since when
do you smoke ?

Since this
past week. Us.

You know, i've
tried to quit
a couple times.

I'm gonna quit.

Of course.

But now tell me, tex-Mex,
now that's texas and mexico ?

Yeah, it's
like a combin--

That's for
embarrassing,
jennifer !

She's been sitting
at home crying

Since you stood her
up at the alter,
you piece of sh*t.

What was that ?
Who's jennifer ?

Oh, it's nothing,
it was nothing.

He's just mad because
i didn't marry
his sister, jennifer.

You got engaged
last week ?

It was a mistake. Look...

No, no, no.
I was at home
thinking about us,

Crying,

And i cried
so much, honey,
that i got a headache.

Oh.
Yeah.

And i went out to
get some aspirin,

I met this girl
named jennifer
and we got engaged

And it was a mistake
and it's over.

Just tell me about
this tex-Mex class.
When does it start ?

Well, not
for awhile.

Excuse me.

I couldn't
help but notice.

I was just
sitting over...

You rock !

Okay.

Can you sign one.
It's not for me !

Okay, thank you.

I was in a
christian rock band.

[ Stammering ]

It's new wave mixed
with a little rap.

This was tuesday.

And it's, you know...

So, just, tex-Mex,
now tell me--

You judas !

For they that tear
my people asunder

Shall not dignify
the houses of the lord !

You are
officially rebuked !

Honey, this is 2001,
a new wave godyssy.

Oh, is this the jezebel
you broke up the band for ?!

Harlot !
wh*re !

Guys ! I'm not
jennifer, okay ?

We only know you
by your porn name,
crystal knockers.

Come, brother.

For christ shall rise up
and smite them and...

Jennifer was
a porn star ?

No, no, honey, jennifer
and crystal knockers

Are two different people.
I never went out
with crystal knockers.

She's a porn star.

We were both in this
blow job competition.

Listen, tex-Mex,
tell me--

You !

That is for
embarrassing
my girlfriend.

She's been in
the shower for two days.

She says she'll
be clean again.

Well, that's just
crystal's boyfriend.

He's just mad
because i beat her
in the competition.

You gave
people blow jobs ?

The most people.

That's why they have
a drink named after me here.

They have a drink called
"the todd hindley" ?

No, it's called,
"the ultimate d*ck sucker".

But, honey,

Tex-Mex, now
is that more--

You know this is
really hard for me.

You said you were
home crying all week.

I was, okay ?

But then i was
born again,

And i joined that band,

And then
i met jennifer, and

Then i quit the band
and then jennifer
and i got engaged,

And then i
called that off.

Then, i lucked into
that porn film.

Oh, god.

Well, what ?

I'm sure you did a few
things that you're
not very proud of,

Miss tex-Mex !

In the last week ?

No, i barely signed up
for the class.

I just sat around.

You sat around inside
alone for an entire week ?

Really, huh ?

Some of my friends
took me to
a male strip club.

They thought it
would cheer me up.

[ Fake laughter ]

Yeah, that and tex-Mex !

Would you shut up
about the class ?

It hasn't even
started yet !

Yeah, well, it's okay,

Because i forgive you.

For what ?
Forget it,
i'm leaving.

No, honey, don't, don't go !
Please, i don't want
to go back to that life.

It was horrible, all those
people kissing my a*s, all
the f*cking and sucking...

[ Gasping ]

Honey, are
you bleeding ?

Spicy mesquite sauce.

Tex-Mex.

I thought you said
that class hadn't
even started yet !

It was a one-Day
intensive seminar.

You liar !

[ Muttering prayers ]

Guys, i'm back
in the band !

All right !

[ Continue muttering prayers ]

[ Car horns beeping ]

[ New wave music playing ]

♪ we are
praying machines ♪

♪ praising all day

Heavens to betsy,

I've invented
the praying machine !

Oh my stars and garters !

[ Pounding bass ]

Damn them, lord !

[ Band member ]
no, lord, don't do it.

It's just what they want.

♪ baa, baa, black sheep,
have you any hate ♪

♪ yes, i, yes, i,
sealed my fate ♪

♪ baa, baa,
black sheep ♪

Wow, that's me,
marilyn monster.

Hi, i'm larry turnour.

You know, when
i first created marilyn,

I had no idea that people
all over the world

Would fall in love
with marilyn. I was just
an angry teenager.

Who knew ?

That's why i created

Marilyn mozzarella's
pizzarella pie parlour.

So, if you're watching
this training tape,
congratulations,

You're now a marilyn
mozzarella fun-Ployee.

Marilyn mozzarella
employees are fun,

Rebellious extroverts
who make their own rules.

Uh-Oh, look at
forgetful fred, here.

He forgot his evil
zombie-Eye contact
lenses at home.

That means
a red card warning.

Two red card warnings means
an automatic write-Up.

But that's all right,
we'll get to that later.

For now,
let's get to fun.

Fred is now serving

One of our delicious
deep dish specialties.

And remember the
other rule number one...

"Be nice !
Serve the first slice."

Mmm.

[ Buzzer sounding ]

Whoa, fred !

When will
he ever learn.

When serving the first
slice of pizza, remember:

The first slice you serve
is determined by
the placement of

The female furthest
from the left of
your serving arm.

Now, if she is northerly
to the nearest fire exit,

The fourth slice clockwise
is the first to be served.

If there are no
female customers,

Then remember,
always start at 7:00--

Not five !
Oh, fred !

If you forget,

A manager will be
happy to remind you,

By issuing a green,
level two punishment, like:

The bloody diapers

Alright, relax, fred,
it gets easier.

Well, that's it.

That's all
there is to it.

Now go out there
and have yourself

A wild and unconventional
good time.

And remember,
at least 27% of your
beverage sales

Must consist of alcoholic
blended call drinks.

And remember
the 16 ps to success:

Poise, personality,

Professionalism,

A positive mental attitude,

Impress the customer,

Primp always,

Positivity,

Please don't flush
sanitary towels
down the toilet,

Freeze plenty of ice,

Placate, posture,

Pomp and circumstance,

Pterodactyls,
good dinosaurs to
mention to kids,

Patriotism,

Pepper and professionalism.

Well, that's it.

That's all
there is to it.

Now go out and
have a good time.

Oh, but don't forget
to break some rules.

But don't
break any rules.

Marilyn, they're
all ready for you.

Hey, thanks, jimmy.

Well, they're
playing my song.

So, good luck,
and see ya in hell.

Electrocution--

Alright, carl,
you got your pardon.
You can go.

[ Sighing ]

[ Slurping sounds ]

Okay, you're
done with that.
Throw it away.

And pull out now.

All right, folks,
bar's closing.

Let's move it out.

I'm glad you
made it down.

These guys, too.
Take it easy.

Hey.
Hey !

It's cool running into
you after so long, man.

Yeah, you too, man.

Hey, i hope it's not
another five years

Before we run into
each other again.

Right, man, me too,
yeah, you take care.

You too, all right ?

I will, man.
All right.

Yeah, cool, buddy.

So are you...

Yeah, me too,
this way.

Well, this is it.

Oh well, all right.

It was great seeing
you again, man.

You too, buddy.
Take care.

Yeah, goodbye.

Oh, yeah.

Goodbye, man.

You know it.

Wow, it has
been a treat.

Yeah, it sure
has been.

Well, you take
it easy again.

You, too.

You, too.

Where is
the elevator ?

Stairs for me !
I need the exercise.

[ Friend muttering ]

Hey, you need a hand ?

No, it's
just that it...

Godammit !

Got it.

All right,
well, cool.

Hey, it's been
a blast, you know ?

Yeah, yeah.

Goodbye.

All right, yeah,
yeah, man, okay.

All right.
Right back at ya.

Hey, you know, i hope
it's not another,
five years before--

[ Car starts and drives away ]

There he is.

Yeah, look at this.

I just need
to get some...

Wait.

You know what ? I have
a candy bar at home.

So...

I don't need...
i'm just
gonna take off.

Great.
All right.

Hey !

Hey !

What are you doin' ?
What are you doing here ?

Getting some cigarettes.

[ Inaudible ]

Where is he ?

Where is...

I don't know where
he lives, okay !

I just don't know !

I'm sorry,
i'm sorry.

I'm gonna call
the police right now.

No !

Buddy !

Buddy, no !

No !

Oh, god, no !

I never got
the chance to
say goodbye.

I did.

A lot.

A lot.

Carl, you
m*therf*cker !

Larry.

I know about
the whole thing.

You've been
f*cking my wife.

Those two as*h*le
performers

At the motivational
weekend told everyone !

We didn't do it
for fun, i swear.

Listen, we were
making amateur
porn films. I swear it.

Oh, my god !

It wasn't just the two
of us. There were
a whole bunch of people.

Your sister,
my son, your dog.

That's it,
you're dead !

Hey, mr. Peters,
is there a problem ?

Hi.

This piece of sh*t
has been filming
him and his son

Having sex with
my wife and my dog.

He has ?

Wait, i can explain.
Shut up !

Are you taking
credit for my work ?

No, he doesn't know--

I directed those
videos. You merely
starred in them.

You as*h*le !

Yeah, he is
an as*h*le.

And who arranged for
the international rights
to be sold, huh ?

And dubbed them
in his basement ?

Thousands of 'em
hand-Mailed around
the world.

You didn't !

No, no, i didn't,
who did it, carl ?

Todd.

Todd, that's right.
He worked like a dog.

Hey, guys.

Todd.

You b*stard !

You mailed tapes of
my wife having sex
all over the world ?

No !

I mailed tapes of your wife
having sex with carl

In your bedroom,
right here in town.

Yeah, i know.

Wait a minute,
that gives me
an idea. What if ?

What if what ?

Well, what if we filmed you
having sex with his wife

In different places,
all over the world ?

You son of a b*tch !

No, no, no, don't
sh**t it down so quick,
people might like it.

It's sort of an upscale series
of travelogue-Type pornos.

You f*ck !
You pricks !

You're tryin' to cut me
out. You know i don't
want to travel.

I said you want me to
act in these porns, fine.
But no travel !

Drop it !

Drop it, drop it,
that's a good idea.
We do it with backdrops.

Green screen,
special effects.

I never have
to leave town.

But it'll look like
you're f*cking my wife
all over the world !

Right.
Exactly.

[ Wacky music playing ]

All right, g*ng,
thanks very much.

Scene is over
and let's roll those
credits, please.

All right, that's it.

Season's over.

Beat it.