04x09 - Sad Songs Are Nature's Onions

[bunniefuu]

"Dear mr. Show,
with bob and

"... Danny.

I've had it !"

David, what's wrong ?

Why are you running
away from the show ?

Bob, it's these damn
content warnings.

I mean, they give
the whole show away.

I mean, how am i supposed
to trick little kids

Into seeing my butt
with these damn warnings

On the screen
the whole time.

Oh great, now
there's a new one.

Pbd, what does
that even mean ?

[ With dubbed adult voice ]
gentlemen, please desist.

The answer to your
impertinent question
is simple.

P.B.D. Stands for
"potential buttocks
display."

Who are you ?

I am he, who watches
all of television,

Crowning shows
with the warnings
befitting them.

After all, who better
to decide what
a child should see

Than a little
child himself ?

You mean
a little b*stard.

Alright, take it
easy, bob. Sorry.

It is i who should apologize
for being a poor host.

Won't you join me
on my space pod ?

Oh, wow !

Gentlemen, welcome.

Won't you indulge
in rich, fancy drinks ?

I would offer
you sweet meats,

But i've run short.

Perhaps later ?

Yeah, yeah.

Whoa, what
is this ?

Angel's cloud.

I'm simply mad for it !

Come now, robert,
don't be so obdurate.

Drink, make merry.

Not bad.

[ David ]
tangy.

Hey, he's
getting bigger.

Not at all,
old boy.

It is you who
have grown,

Smaller !

Come, see the world
through my eyes.

No, stop, you
drank too much, stop !

Lucien !

So, you're the one
who's drinking all
the angel cloud.

You're gonna get
the whipping of
your life.

And no more t.V.

You're not allowed
to watch these
shows anyway,

They're rated
for adults.

Yes, but i'm
the one who...

Oh, goodness !

The irony's
bittersweet as

Tears on
turkish delight.

That's it.

I'm gonna beat
those big words
right outta you !

Fine !

What will become of
television if left unrated ?

Oh, happenstance !

And that's when
the kindly caterpillar

Waved his magic wand

And the giant
jelly bean tree

Agreed to help
the town of talking shoes.

Now, this

Is what they're
calling children's
programming.

Now, more than ever,
we need watchdogs.

Watchdogs like
cliff and mary portis
from my home district,

Who organized a round-Robin
t.V. Watching marathon

That watched over


And wrote one,


To two of the three
major networks.

And they're also
with us tonight.

Cliff and mary,
please stand up.

Thank you,
thank you.

Thank you.

Two minutes
for you,
mr. Whiteside.

Cecil and martha mendlemen
are an elderly blind couple
from my home county.

Due to government cutbacks,
which i opposed,

Because of the social
inequities they foster,

Cecil and martha
found themselves

Late one night,
lost, blind,

And in a very
rough neighborhood.

Thanks to an outreach
program they started,
they made it home safely.

Oh, and one other thing,
they're here with us tonight.

Cecil, martha, would
you please stand up ?

Yes, please folks.

Thank you,
thank you very much.

Thank you, ladies
and gentlemen.
Thank you, thank you.

Two minutes,
mr. Fitzpatrick.

I wasn't told that
we could bring guests.

But, you know, well...

You know, hey, everybody's
got it rough, right ?

I mean,

Take a look at this guy,
stand up, sir.

Come on, this guy
showed up tonight, huh ?

How 'bout him ?
What about him ?
I mean, look at him.

Hey, hey folks,

This guy can't be
doing too great, huh ?

I mean, look at
that suit, huh ?

Did he just wake up
fat today and squeeze
into yesterday's suit,

Is that it, sir ?

Pick a waist size and
stick with it, you know
what i'm saying ?

Where you from, sir ?

Rhode island.

Really ? Which part ?

Pawtucket.
No, no, no.

Which part of you,
you fat b*stard ?

Hey, hey, thank you,
all right.

Sit down, enjoy
the debate, fatty.

Senator, please
talk about
your support

Of reduced
risk loans.

Right.

An example i often cite
is a man i met in college--

[ Sen. Fitzpatrick ]
boring !

Who, though of
humble beginnings,

Started a chain of
all-You-Can-Eat cafeterias.

[ Crowd member ]
next !

And you better get there
before this guy does, huh ?

Hey come on, sir,
stand up again, please.

Look at this dude,
man, all fat, man !

Hey, hey, did security
check your jowls
before you came in ?

It looks like you've got
mud flaps for your neck !

Thank you.

Thank you, senator.
That's funny because
it's so true.

Mr. Whiteside,

Please tell us
your position on
defense spending.

Well, sir, i think
we found our solution
to defense spending

Right over here !

Come on, get up,
buddy, come on...

Come on, up on your feet,
if you can stand it !

Any potential enemies
out here, i'll tell you
what we're going to do.

Make this guy skip lunch,
then give him a twinkie
to kick all your asses !

[ Sniffling ]

What are you doing ?

Hey, hey, no, no,
don't, don't cry.

Uh, we don't have
flood insurance !

[ Audience jeering ]

Okay, all right.

Hey, uh, uh,
is this your wife ?

Yeah, i got good news
for the two of you.
You can both do better !

[ Gavel pounding ]

[ Audience jeers ]

Your time is up.

Not very funny,
just plain mean.

Mr. Fitzpatrick,
a rebuttal ?

Uh, yeah.

Listen, sir, could you
stand up one more time...

Please, be nice,
support him, please.

Hey listen, let me tell
you something folks,

It's great when
we can get together

And have fun with our
differences, isn't it ?

Now listen,
i love this fat man.

And when i insult him,

When i insult him,
it's because,

A part of me
is a fat man, too.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Hey, hey !
This guy over here's
going, "which part ?"

Easy, q*eer !

Hey, jackie,

Champagne for
the lard-a*s
and the q*eer.

All right,
vote for me !

The black guy in the back's
going, "how do i..."

All right, all right,

I got a lot
of people to thank.

I want to thank my wife.

Look at that face.
Now, if you were married
to that, you'd run, too !

And my son, timmy.

And my daughter, timmy.

Get used to working
in booths, kid,
that's all i'm saying.

And the fat guy,
the fat guy !

He has been with me
since the first debate.

It's all in good fun.
No, it isn't.

[ Band strikes up ]

Ah, jean-Baptise philouza's
march no.34.

You may recognize it
as the victory march

From numerous
election campaigns.

One of the most inspiring
melodies ever written.

Wouldn't it be great
to own all of the world's

Most beautiful songs
in one collection ?

Songs like:

And so many more.

These songs are not
available in any store,

Nor in any single
collection,

Nor through any
television offer.

This is your
opportunity

To provide me with
the songs i love,

In one collection.

Songs to fill
my life with music,
beautiful music, like:

... by whoever that was,
from apocalypse now

You remember it.

Also, let's see,
i would like vivaldi's
the four seasons.

That's from something.

And, oh, bolero,
get me bolero.

Uh, beethoven,
anything by beethoven.

Oh, i want some bach.
Bach, get him, too, yes.

I live alone in this
beautiful mansion
in connecticut

And i have a lot
of free time

To listen to
the world's great masters.

Won't you order now ?

Oh, and if you
order right away,

I'll also accept
a tape of crazy songs
by spike jones,

The clown
prince of music.

[ Horns going off ]

Also need
a pint of milk and
some orange soda,

My grandkids
are coming over.

[ Announcer ]
and now, inside the actor,

Filmed at
the actor's institute
for studying actors,

With your host,
cyrus castilla tetley,

Author of
actors, acting, actist.

The actor
knoweth thy way,

The way beholdeth
the actor.

A thought from
echelist the elder,

And surely he was talking
about my guest tonight,

A bountiful treat
from which i invite
you to partake,

Actor ryan dorn.

Thanks a lot, man.

What ?

Nothing.

I'm just
looking at you.

Actor ryan dorn.

Your first venture
into the glittering lights

Was as a pre-Teen
performing soliloquies

Urging the use of
topical medications.

Yeah, i did some uh,
commercials for zit cream.

And no one was
left unmoved.

You know, it's actually
kind of funny, 'cause

I still have that
first script

From that first
commercial audition.

Frame it !

Bury it !

Walk 20 paces away,
dig it up in 15 years

And teach the
world to sing !

Now, ryan,

Now, ryan, my students:
questions, queries, que-Ests !

Mr. Dorn,
i'm a dramatic
director student

Here at the institute.
And i heard you plan
to go to france soon.

My question is--

Who dares question
ryan dorn ?!

Yeah, i am
going to france

To promote an ear wax
removal system,

And, you know, i'm
thinking about getting
into some foreign films,

Because i love 'em and

They don't do enough
of 'em out in hollywood.

I'm also thinking about
getting into directing

And novels
and magazines.

Oh, madre dios,

Have mine ears
bewitched me with
whispers of xanadu ?

Ryan dorn,

Actor,

Toucher of souls,

Is going to write
a novel, and,

Direct it ?

I've had some
meetings on it.

Meetings already.

Clap, you
philistines !

Make a bit
more noise !

Huzzah ! Huzzah !

Silence !

Now, ryan dorn,

In order to gain
greater insight

Into the actual
workings of an actor,

I, and a select
group of students,

Will be shrunk down
and injected into your body.

I've had weirder
stuff in there,
believe me.

The wit remains.

Let us proceed.

To the matter-Shrinker.

♪ cyrus and his students
on a routine exploration ♪

♪ into the greatest
actor ever known ♪

♪ plunging through
the bloodstream ♪

♪ into the glands

♪ of ryan dorn

Darn it, we'll never
start this fire.

Well, if we don't
start the fire,

And we can't get the
actor to sneeze. We'll
be stuck here forever !

And what is so
bad about that ?

[ Roaring ]

Oh no, the dinosaur
is going to find us.

Oh my !

Who knew that there were
little giant dinosaurs

Deep within the
wonderful actor's body.

What a wondrous world,
i shall never leave !

Shut up ! We've gotta
get out of here !

Oh please, oh please,
oh please, oh please.

Blinky, you're back !

[ Beeping
and whirring noises ]

And you brought
tinder for a fire.

Quick, let's light up
and get out of here

Before the dinosaur
catches us all.

Oh, to stay here
amongst the blue bells

And the hot lights
of the vanities.

Evel knievel,
you want to
come with us ?

Thanks a lot, kids, but
i'm gonna stay behind.

I'm jumping the
pancreas next week.

Alright, everybody,
here comes a sneeze !

[ Screaming ]

Soil, earth.

The latins had
a word for it:

Terra.

It means soil,
or earth,
our mother earth.

There are five billion
people on this planet,

That's 10 billion feet.

And those that
don't have feet

Probably have a
wheelchair or crutches,

Or prosthetic legs.

So, roughly,
the same thing.


all coming down on
our mother earth.

But at what cost ?

An alarming new study
put out by scientist
dr. Todd bruman,

Theorizes that if
we keep walking at
our current pace,

There will be
no earth to walk on

By the end of
the next millennium.

Each time you walk,
three things happen.

The doctor explained that
each time you take a step,
three things happen.

The first thing
that happens,

I can't say for
security reasons.

The second thing
that happens

Is that some of the pressure
from the ball of your foot

Pushes down on the earth,
compacting it.

Through a series of
hand gestures and words,

He explained the first
two things that happen.

He then proceeded
to tell, or say,

The third thing,
or point.

The third thing
that happens is

That a little bit
of dirt, or, dust,

Is kicked up
into the air.

And of this amount that's
kicked up into the air,

A certain amount of it
catches a wind current,

Much as a

Professional surfer would

Catch a wave during
a competition.

Much like the professional
trick surfer,

Whose life is filled
with dreams and
lofty aspirations,

The dirt will ride
an air current

Out to the
stratosphere.

Some of it going
as far as pluto.

Now doctor, wouldn't
the inverse be true,

Wouldn't dirt from pluto
land on the earth ?

Hmm, are there people
walking around on pluto ?

Umm, let me check.

Nope, i don't
think there are,
are there ?

I asked the doctor
what measures
we earthlings can take

To counter
this destruction.

Stop walking.

Doctor, that's just
not going to be feasible
for a number of people.

Well, walk
differently then.

I've developed a new
manner of walking.

Dr. Bruman took me
to a secret garden lab

Where he demonstrated
this new manner of walking.

And the angle
of the foot,

No, not the ball
of the foot !

The edge !

[ Bruman ]
instead of walking,
we're going to skitter.

Let's go
for a skitter.

Let's, skitter
around the block.

Oh, dammit !
Well, i'm trying--

You're not
listening to me.

I'm listening.

Skitter, skitter,
okay, okay.

[ Flanks ]
with such radical theories,

The doctor's not
without his detractors,

Including
dr. Austin parlmer,

Who i was to interview
later that day.

He'll use words
to describe me, okay ?

He'll use words
like idiot, or clown,

The pinhead, the moron.

Moron, lunatic,

Buffoon, loopy,

Bananer.
I called him dumb.

Oh, i also said
he was el loco.

Doofus,
a nerd of sorts.

I also called him
an a-#1, top of
the line, jerk.

A-#1 jerk-Off,
i think he used.

You know, i have
photographs of dr. Parlmer

At the racetrack, gambling.
Well, that's--

So if you're gonna
go out and talk to,

Gamblers and
masturbators...

Look, what size
shoe do you wear ?

I'm a 10 and a half.

What are you
marking down there ?

[ Flanks ]
will mankind
have the patience

To learn how
to skitter,

Even if it means being
berated by people

Who already know what
they're talking about

And aren't very
good teachers,

'Cause they don't
have the patience to...

I mean, i'm not
a mindreader.

That guy was a jerk.

You saw that.

[ Announcer ]
earth shoes is part three
in the five-Part series,

Brought to you by,

A family of oil and
energy companies,

Proud to sponsor
the final days
of planet earth.

♪ it's so hard
to say goodbye ♪

♪ to every one
that's ever died... ♪

♪ so, goodbye
madame curie

♪ and, goodbye

Charlemagne

Sitting bull

♪ we'll miss you

Chaka zulu

♪ wa-Woo-Wee-Woo-Woo...

♪ wa-Woo-Wee
goodbye, woo-Woo... ♪

That was the song,
goodbye 2 every 1 ever

By three times one
minus one,

Our first nominee for
this year's teardrop award.

It's true, everybody
loves to cry,

And what can make us
cry more than a sad song ?

I don't know.

Sad songs are
nature's onions.

These are the songs
that the teardrop award
recognizes.

The other nominees for
this year's teardrop

For saddest song are:

Willips brighton
for his powerful song

About his struggle
with herpes simplex ii,

A mouthful of sores.

♪ that guy
you're with ♪

♪ is like a mouth
full of sores ♪

♪ and you,
little darling ♪

♪ are a mouth
without sores ♪

♪ take it from me

♪ a guy who's had
mouth sores ♪

♪ i know
the value of ♪

♪ a mouth
without sores ♪

Very moving.

Our last nominee
is horace loeb

For his moving song
about the death of
his five-Year old son:

Heaven better
save some tears.

♪ i'll never
be happy again ♪

♪ never smile,
my little friend ♪

♪ super kid,
you're a genius ♪

♪ flap your angel wings
and disappear ♪

♪ 'cause heaven better
save some tears ♪

I'll miss you,
my son.

Also very moving.

And the winner is...

Horace loeb.

Oh, yeah !

Whoo-Hoo-Hoo !
Yeah !

Oh, man !

Oh, god !

Oh god,
this is great !

God, i feel...
this is a kick-a*s thing !

Oh, this is like
the ultimate orgasm !

Okay,

This monday,
it will be one year

Since my son
tragically passed away.

And, i can't think of a more
exhilarating feeling

Than what i have now.
I mean, this is just...

God !
I'm so nervous !

Oh, man !

I wish my boy could
be down here,

To share
this with me.

But then i wouldn't
have written the song,
so scratch that.

I don't...

Buddy, this
is for you !

This is like a non-Stop
erotic cabaret !

A tragic scene
here tonight.

After winning his
first teardrop award,

Rocker horace loeb,

Was in the midst of a
celebratory arm gesture

When he lost control
of the award,

Which found its
way into the chest

Of son of songwriter
willips brighton.

[ Dunwitz ]
... which found its
way into the chest

Of son of songwriter
willips brighton.

♪ i heard about
it on the t.V. ♪

♪ about how you were
sitting next to me ♪

♪ and you died

♪ and my heart feels like
a mouthful of sores ♪

♪ a mouthful of sores
ain't no fun ♪

Very moving.

That was willips brighton
with a soul-Stirring song

About the tragic
death of his son.

Yes.

Our next nominee
for the teardrop
is horace loeb,

For his heart-Swelling
tribute to the late son
of willips brighton:

There's no more
room in heaven.

♪ we both got
an award that day ♪

♪ when i set your
spirit free ♪

♪ because you
went to heaven ♪

♪ and a teardrop
went to me ♪

I'll miss you,
willips brighton's son.

Also very moving.

Sorrow is the key

That gets our tears
out of eye jail.

And the winner is...

Oh, my god,
it's a tie.

Willips brighton
and horace loeb.

Oh, yes !

Whoo-Hoo-Hoo !

Oh, man !

Another one
of my babies !

Oh-Oh, wow,
back to back !

Wow, i'm like an
international playboy !

Livin' large,
huh, willips ?

Thank you
for this award

And i'm glad to be
up here with you, horace,

Because i have
something for you.

Oh !

For the second
year in a row,

A tragic scene here
at the song awards,

Willips brighton stabbed
rocker horace loeb,

Fatally murdering him.

A sad day for sad songs.

However, i'm told
horace loeb left
behind a video

To be played in the
event of his own death.

Let's roll it.

♪ i heard about
my death today ♪

♪ on the local radio

♪ when i join myself
in heaven ♪

♪ with jimmy on guitar

♪ i'll shed
a tear for me ♪

♪ and wish upon
my superstar ♪

I'll miss you, me.

That's our show.

Thanks for watchin'.

Thanks.

Miss brownsmith ?

Superb as usual.

Class, let us
all thank lucien

For his excellent
presentation of show and tell.

[ With dubbed adult voices ]
rapture !

May my hands clap
'til they bleed.

What will he
do to top this ?

Hands down, the finest
show and tell
of the season.

All hail
the conquering impresario.

Tears, tears
seasoned with joy.

And do i detect
a hint of juniper ?

Drat ! Confound you,
lucien.

You bested me here.

But let's see what happens
at the science fair.

Let's just see.

The reviews seem
to be unanimous.

I loved it.

Good for
the whole family !

[ Children continue cheering ]