04x06 - It's Insane, This Guy's Taint

[bunniefuu]

Hey, uh...

Hey.
Listen, everybody.

Listen, we had a real
tragedy occur here

At mr. Show
this past week.

Yeah, one of
our crew members
passed away.

His name was
ed abrahms, and,

There's a
picture of him.

Can we pull in
on that, john ?

Pull in...

[ Audience laughing ]

Yeah, ed was
a good guy

And we'd like to take
a moment of silence

In honor of him.

So, we'd like to ask
everybody to please stand.

Please stand,
thank you.

And if everyone could
please hold your breath

In honor of him,
who cannot breathe.

Psst...

... psst !

Not now.

Hey, you guys need
some speakers ?

No, speakers ?

Yeah, man.

I got top quality
sh*t, the works.

Sounds good.
Let's do it.

Yeah, my van's
right outside,
come on.

Come on !

Hi.

Uh, yes,
how much
are these ?

These are actually
on sale this week for $400.

Thank you.

Dudes,
check it out.

I know this guy,
his name is ron.

Yeah ?

He can hook you up
for $400.

Four f*ck' hundred.

We'll take 'em.

Um, yes,
we'll take 'em.

Great.

You guys need
some tires ?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Well, thank you for
shopping at tire town.

Thank you.

It's good.

All right.

Hey, you guys
hungry ?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Come on.

You guys want
some potatoes ?

Yeah !

Alright, 'cause i know
this lady, she's
sitting at this table,

She's got a line
on some mashed.

Primo stuff,
from idaho.

It's the sh*t, man.

Hook us up.

Alright,
no problem.

Hey, mom, could you pass
the potatoes, please ?

Sure, dear.

Thanks.

Check it out !
Yeah !

We should get some gravy.
Yeah.

Dude, hook us up
with some gravy.

No problem,
no problem.

Hey mom, umm,

Could you pass
the gravy, please ?

That wasn't
part of the deal,

You said potatoes.

Check it out, man,
you guys, relax.

I'm your go-To guy.

♪ dum-Doo-Doo-Doo
dee-Doo-Doo-Doo ♪

♪ dum-Doo-Doo-Doo-Dey

♪ ba-Do-Do-De-Da-Do-Do

♪ oh zippity doo-Dah,
shippity-Shake ♪

♪ look who's got his
very first date ♪

♪ and if fate dictates

♪ we'll get naked

♪ and mate

♪ you just wait

[ Doorbell ]

Is my date
here yet ?

Am i early ?

John, we didn't really set
you up on a blind date.

But i wrote a song.

Look, we just needed
everyone here.

We're having
an intervention.

You guys don't
have to trick me,
you're my friends.

Look john, this isn't
about you, okay ?

We're here
to help david.

[ Doorbell ]

Oh, now that's him.

Everybody ? Okay.

Hey, guys.

Game's not on yet ?

There's no
game, david.

We're here to talk
about your problem.

What problem ?

Put down the pretzels
so we can talk.

Can i just finish
this one first ?

Now i need
a beer.

David !

Our problem
is that

We all miss our
very good friend, david.

Well, he's
right here.

He is here,
but you buried him

Under layers
of disgusting fat.

Guys, look--

We're trying to look,
but you block
out the light !

See, david,
we care about you.

Well, not
all of you.

I mean, who could cover
that much territory ?

Guys, all right,
i'm aware

I've gained
a little weight.

Of course
you're aware of it,

The space station
astronauts are
aware of it !

[ Bob ]
that's a good one.

David, we don't
hang out with you

Because of your
personality.

It's your
gravitational
pull !

Oh, there's
a zinger !

Jeez, i'm crushed.

Oh, no, no, no !
If you were crushed
you'd be thinner !

Oh, that's
the topper !

And we have a new
king of slams.

What ?

All right, guys,
that's enough.

Bob...

I'm not
really fat.

John !

Bob, we're just tired

Of the way you run
your interventions.

Yeah.

You know, interventions
are supposed to be about

Concern
and compassion.

Yeah, not about who
has the best one-Liner.

But we've had
so many laughs.

Ha, laughs !

At the expense of
all your friends.

Yeah.

And don't forget,
my interventions
have helped people.

Or have you guys
forgotten

How we helped becky
at christmas.

Actually, john,
we're not really here

To plan a high society
jewel heist.

We're here for
an intervention.

You guys don't
have to trick me.
You're my friends.

Okay, this
isn't about you.

Becky has got to
stop drinking so much.

I'll say,
last week,

Your liver filed a
restraining order
against you !

Remember ?

And, do you guys
remember

How we helped jill
two summers ago ?

Alright, i got
the cocaine cut.

Whenever you
guys are ready !

Hey, john, we're
not really here
for a coke party,

We're here
to help jill.

Godammit !

You guys don't
have to trick me,
you're my friends !

Okay, right.

That's the last time,
i swear it, all right ?

Okay.

But jill...

Jill has got to start
washing her vegetables
before eating them.

I tell ya',
jill's ingested
so much soil,

Her stomach ought to
be listed in the
worm apartment guide.

I'm sorry,
it makes total sense.

You have soil,
worms live in soil.

Worms would have an
apartment guide...

That's not my point.

My point is,
we've helped
each other.

I mean, we got paul
to give up bedwetting.

My interventions have
been funny and helpful.

And wait'll you guys
catch the intervention

I got planned
for next week.

Is he dead ?

Yeah.

Thank god.

Oh, sh*t, you guys
are gonna k*ll me !

Wow,

This isn't the way
we wanted you to find out.

No,

We wanted you to find out
by us k*lling you.

The body !
What ?

My body, it's
just sitting there
in the future.

You guys gotta get rid of it
or you'll all go to jail !

Oh my god,
he's right.

Okay,
don't panic.

Listen, there's kerosene
underneath my shoes

And there's matches
inside my socks.

Okay ?

Burn up the body
and exit the building
out the back.

Alright,
let's go !

I got the matches.

Kerosene's here,
right where he
said it would be.

Oh man,
it's all gone !

That guy !

Man, i knew he'd
pull some sh*t.

Here, i brought
some lighter fluid ?

Uh, yeah,
nice, nice.

[ Fire engine sirens ]

[ Announcer ]
and now, from
car wash change thief

Action squad
headquarters,

Here's zack welch.

Good evening.
In 1994,

I was an investigative
reporter for
a tv station in san diego.

I hid a video camera
in the backseat of my car,

And took it
to a car wash,

Leaving $2.32 in change
on the dash,

To see what
would happen.

The change
was stolen.

And i was on to
the biggest "little" crime
of the century.

After three months,

My station manager
ordered me to let it go,

So, i quit,

Formed the car wash change
thief action squad,

Set up the car wash
change thievery hot-Line

And started this show.

Tonight, with the help of
the car wash change thief

Buster computer,

The car wash change
thief action squad,

And your phone calls,

We'll stop still
more car wash workers,

Before they stop you

From having
your change

That you left there.

[ Emergency siren ]

[ Zack ]
a phone call
tipped us off to

The ambassador
car wash in l.A.,

And the action squad
jumped into
the c.W.C.T.A.S.M.A.R.U.:

When we were in
the vicinity, we unloaded
our dummy car.

Lower, lower...

No, lower !

Down ! No, lower !

This was the car
we would rig with
a hot video camera

Underneath a sweater
in the backseat.

It was decided
chuck and lisa

Would take the car
and pretend to be a couple
on a vacation drive.

All right, let's
do this. Let's go.

Then, $2.75 in change
was left on the dashboard

As bait,
and we were ready to go.

Now, watch on
this secret camera,
what happens.

Charles and lisa
pulled up

And were greeted
by julio,

A service man we caught
twice before

In a previous sting
at the same car wash.

Was he still up
to the same tricks ?

Charles asked for
a simple wash, no gas,

And walked away.

Would julio
take the bait ?

We'll show you what happened
right after this message.

[ Announcer ]
this is the video
you can't see on tv.

Car wash change
thief action squad,

Too hot for tv !

These are the scenes
the censors

Don't want you to see.

The pranks !

Damn, this
mother!@#♪$
glued it !

With the language
you love to hear, but can't.

And the crazy
other pranks

That'll make
your friends laugh,

And you crack up !

Car wash change thief action
squad too hot for tv video...

Order now !

We now return to car wash
change thief action squad,

To find out if julio
would take that bait.

So, how long,
do you think ?

It depends.
If it's the part,

You'll have to
special order it.

We can't show you the rest
of the hidden video,

Because the car wash change
thief buster computer
is on the fritz.

We, we taped
a re-Enactment.

[ Stammering ]

You did this
on your own ?

Yes.

It's just 'cause
this thing--

It breaks
a lot.

Oh, okay, well,
good deal.

Well, chuck, pop that
into the video player

And lisa, you stay here
and watch this repairman.

Make sure he doesn't
steal any lose change.

Let's watch.

[ Chuck]
after our sting
trapped julio,

We asked the manager
if we could sh**t
a re-Enactment.

For a small fee,
he agreed.

Great. I'll play julio.

[ Lisa ]
we agreed chuck would
portray julio, the thief.

I would play
the same part i played,

But we didn't have time
to hire an actor
to play chuck.

We asked the manager
if it was okay,

And hired julio,
for a small fee,

To play
the vacationing husband.

[ Lisa ]
julio and i placed $2.75
in change on the dash

And we were off.

We pulled up and got out
to order the car wash.

Then chuck,
as the re-Enactment julio,

Went to work.

Chuck attempted to portray
julio's recent crime

But was foiled by julio's
even more recent crime.

Julio, in costume as
the vacationing husband,

Had stolen
the re-Enactment change,

Before chuck,
the re-Enactment julio,

Could re-Enact
julio's crime.

When we confronted him,
julio denied it,

He refused to give us
the change back

Or the payment he received
for the re-Enactment.

[ Chuck ]
we were told "that was
enough with the shenanigans"

And that "cars
needed washing."

[ Lisa ]
and we were threatened with
police action and sponges.

[ Manager ]
run away, run away.

Until next time,
please call us with
any information

On car wash
change thieves,

Wash your car
at home,

And please,

Let's all cut down
on prank phone calls.

[ Female announcer ]
loose change provided by
bank bank

Security for loose change
provided by

The men's club for allah.

Providing security
for boxers,

Secret recipes,

And the insecure.

When you need security,

Look for this symbol
of the friendly,
scary black men.

The men's club of allah.

[ Applause ]

Now, brothers,

Please, let's welcome,
his high holiness,

The right reverend
ralid kalunda.

[ Crowd cheering ]

Thank you.

Brothers, today we gather
to clarify statements

Which i made at
a previous rally.

Statements that
have been twisted,
by the media.

The jew-Run media !

Now, firstly, i stated
that korean shop owners
are vampires.

Bloodsuckers !

This generous
appraisal,

Has been intricately,

Surgically
misrepresented
as an insult.

Legends speak
of the vampire

As a nocturnal
creature,

Whose image is not
seen in mirrors.

So far,
so good.

Now likewise,

Those who own shops
often find

That they have
to work long hours,

And late into the night,
and as a result,

Do not have time
to reflect,

Upon their
accomplishments.

Smoke screen !

Let us move on.

Last week, i called
for the beheading
of all white women.

I just
work here.

The beehive hairdo,

Listen,
the beehive hairdo

Was a popular style back
in the 50s and 60s.

It was a
simple creation

Which quietly flattered,
while elongating the figure.

Where ya' going
with this one ?

Now i was merely
suggesting

That white women put their
hair on their heads

In a beehive, or

"Bee-Head"
themselves.

Let's move on.

That is all.

But in order that
my words are not

Misinterpreted again,

I've simplified my message
to the simple phrase,

"Be kind, rewind."

Be kind, rewind !

Be kind, rewind !

Be kind, rewind !

It's a simple gesture.

When you rent a video
from a store,

Remember to rewind it
before returning it !

That's it, that's why
we're here today !

Leave your
name and number
after the beep, hmmm.

Now, let's rewind
that statement, hmm ?

Break it down.

To be kind
is to be friendly,

But more than that,
to help.

Who needs help ?
Society needs help.

Crime is rampant
in the streets.

Crime occurs where
something valuable is.

There's something valuable
here in washington.

The mother of pearl diamond
is being shown right here

At the gotham museum
of valuable items.

Holy hebrews,
reverend !

Hold on,
young boy.

Let's look at
the word, rewind.

Rewinding
takes us back.

Who takes us back ?

King tut !

King tut is in jail,
my boisterous boy wonder.

Rewind...

Re-Wind ?

Who fights
the wind ?

The windbreaker !
Precisely !

Let's ride,
my young friend.

[ Parody of
batman theme song ]

Reverend kalunda !

That's right,
windbreaker.

And now it's time
for you to blow away.

Let's get 'em !

[ Garry ]
i remember the first
time i ever noticed it.

Show me that attitude.
That's it.

[ Interviewer ]
so, have you ever done
nude modeling before ?

You mean with
the ding-Dong
and the hoo-Ha ?

Yeah, plenty.

Oh, you're
making me happy.

Oh, yeah, that's it !

Yes, you are
a magical being.

You're getting
me excited,

That's not
supposed to happen.

Now open those legs
for me, wider !

Wider !

Whoa, not that wide, kid !

[ Garry ]
f*ck yeah,
that wide !

That part of his body
has more personality

Than his
whole face !

But garry, we can already
see his bing-Bong,

And his flabby-Habby-Babby.

I'm not talking about
his c*ck and his a*s,
you imbecile !

I want that !

The taint.

It's beautiful.

That's what
people want.

[ Hayward ]
garry flank didn't
get where he is

By sticking
to convention.

I always knew he'd make
something out of himself.

Because he thinks
different.

He didn't care about
the wing-Ding or the:

[ Whistling ]

Nobody was showing
what was in between.

That's why he started
taint magazine.

Other people must
have liked it, too,

Because it sold
by the hundreds.

Pretty soon there were
plenty of imitators

Flooding the market,

But garry kept
ahead of them all.

Pretty soon,
garry had it all:

Money, fame and money.

Plus, he was also famous.

Hey, this is it,
welcome to taint mansion.

This is where
it all happens.

[ Video game beeping ]

How ya doing,
sweetheart ?

Want any aspirin ?

Want to make
a phone call ?

Can if you want.

Hey, all right.

Have some more ice.

Yeah, these are
the days, people !

These are the party days !

[ Psychedelic rock music
playing ]

[ Music stops ]

Garry, more popcorn !

This is our latest
discovery, max packer.

He's got something
quite special.

I got
a five-Inch taint.

It's insane,
this guy's taint.

And this is the kid,
the original, theo.

He was on the cover
of our first issue.

You were also in
a couple of my movies, huh ?

See how shy he is ?

Garry !

[ Garry ]
you know people
call it p*rn*graphy,

But i just call it
my bread and butter.

You know,
people everywhere

Are masturbating on
my bread and butter

And it's delicious.

Let's get
the kid high.

Spin, spin, spin !

[ Distorted sounds ]

[ Heart beating ]

[ Distorted ]
look at you, theo !

You're on top
of the world !

On top of
the world !

[ Hayward ]
it seemed like nobody could
topple garry's empire.

But then,
tragedy struck.

He was a pro-Wrestler

Who didn't cotton to
garry's liberal ways.

Poor little garry
was no match for him.

Dr. Welch, i came
as soon as i heard.

I'm sorry,
principal dr. Hayward,

But i've got
some bad news.

I don't care if his head
is in a f*ck' fish bowl,

Just tell me
he's alive.

Oh, well then,
it's good news.

[ Heart monitor beeping ]

Cool, we got
no problem.

At first, i thought
that you were gonna

Really freak out
when you saw this.

It defies all medical
logic, really.

First time it happened,
i was like, huh ?

♪ [ dream weaver by
gary wright playing ] ♪

♪ ooh, ooh,
dream weaver ♪

♪ i believe you can
get me through the night ♪

♪ ooh, ooh,
dream weaver ♪

♪ i believe we can
reach the mornin' light ♪

♪ dream weaver ♪

Wow, these speakers
sound great.

Yeah, i really feel like
a dream is being woven.

Yeah.