04x05 - The Story of Everest

[bunniefuu]

[ Female announcer ]
mr. Show is a lethal
injekshun production,

Part of the lethal
injekshun family

Of conglomertory interests.

[ g*n shot ]

Record labels.
International drug trade.

[ g*n shot ]

Movies.

Taffy apples.

T.V. Shows.
All that sh*t, yo.

All executive produced
by sweetie pie jonus.

From his cell in our new

Three-To-Five year
headquarters.

Hey, everybody,
i claim this show
for bob and david.

[ Applause ]

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

We got a great show
for you tonight.

Yeah, sergeant manners
is gonna be by here
a little later

To teach us how
to tie a napkin.

Yeah.

And let's get started
right off

With a trip to the world's
horniest mad scientists.

Doctor, doctor, what
have you done to me ?

What are you
doing to me,
mein liepschin ?

Hey, yo.

Yo, bob and dave.

Hey, i cut that
scene, fools.

Folks, this is
sweetie pie jonus, our
new executive producer.

What's up ?

Hey, check it out.

I got the m*therf*cking
revisions

For this week's
episizzode, b*tch.

Rewrites ?

Hell m*therf*cking yeah,
rewrites, man.

Funny this sh*t up.

We're gonna pick
up the pace later--

Man, shut the f*ck up.

Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.

Sorry.

You know what ?
I'm tired of you
m*therf*ckers.

David, put on
a g*dd*mn costume

Before i put
the smackdown on
your silly a*s.

Do it ! Go !

Sir, okay.

Hey, opie taylor,

Check this out, man.

I don't know what
you're trying to run,

But i need some m*therf*cking
copy machines for my cell.

I need a three hole punch

And i need some
g*dd*mn fax machines.

Hop to it,
m*therf*cker.

What the state
pay you for ?

What else ?

[ Narrator ]
it now costs
$800,000 a year

To jail just
one criminal.

That's enough money to send
a family of five to college.

Yay !

Or to send that same
lucky family on
a 79 day rafting expedition.

Yay !

But at pempleton
state prison,

A new money saving program
allows criminals to be

Productive members
of society while
serving out their terms.

This is the home
of larry kleist, r*pist.

But you wouldn't
know it if it wasn't for
the friendly reminders

Larry is required
by law to provide.

The day he moved in,
he took an ad out
in the local newspaper.

Now, this r*pist
lives just like

Any normal non-Raping
person would.

r*pist coming.

He goes to work
accompanied by

An assigned state-Licensed
public warning engineer.

r*pist here.

r*pist backing out.

Larry can even drive
himself to work.

[ Warning engineer]
r*pist coming.

Don't get r*ped.

r*pist coming.

Cold calls,
my favorite part of the day.

Hello.

I'm larry kleist,
i'm a r*pist.

Have you considered
insurance ?

Hello, i'm larry kleist.
I'm a r*pist.

Are you interested--

Hello, i'm calling
about insurance.

Please don't
hang up. Please.

My name is larry,
i'm a r*pist and--

I don't--
People don't seem to be

Interested in
insurance these days.

I think the industry
is in a slump.

r*pist.
r*pist on a break.

Could you
freshen me up ?

No.

[ Narrator ]
but larry carries on.

Hello, insurance is
my game, larry is my name.

Raping was another
game of mine.

Have you considered--

Hello ?

[ Narrator ]
and the program's
such a success

It's been expanded to
include other criminals,

Allowing convicts
to live

Work,

Tom boutineer,
"cavington news
and views".

Pedophile.
Sodomized my nephew.

Just what is going
on over there at
that zoning board ?

And love.

I have a reservation
under chacheznick.

Peter chacheznick,
m*rder*r.

I'm sorry, sir.

Could you look under
"strangled 7 prostit*tes" ?

Oh, yes, yes.
Right here.

Right this way.

And by the way folks,
tonight's dinner is on me.

No. Let us
take care--

Please,
it's my pleasure.

Look at this.

Your t-Bone,
ma'am.

Your rib eye, sir.

Isn't that nice ?

For you,
the special of the day.

A creamy steak suisse.

Jesus.

Oh sh*t,
my new suit.

So sorry.

What is
wrong with you ?

It's my first day
waiting tables.

Great.

Sorry.

Oh, my goodness.

Charlie, charlie.
I'm sorry sir.

Sir, we'll take care
of everything, okay ?

We appreciate
your business.

We want to keep our
customers happy, okay ?

It's all right.

These things happen.
Okay.

I'll tell you what.

Take your suit to
any cleaners you choose,

Send us the bill

And we would
gladly pay half, okay ?

Enjoy your meal,
enjoy your meal.

All right,
thank you.

Half ?

Sir, we insist.

It's not
a problem at all.

No, no.

Sir, it's very nice
of you to offer,

But this is
our policy.

But you should pay
for the whole thing.

Their waiter spilled
my meal on me.

Yes, and that
meal is free.

We will gladly bring
you another meal

And charge
you double.

Charlie.

Yes ?

Charlie, bring this
gentleman another meal.

Yes.

In fact, charlie ?

Bring him two.

The second will
be regular price

And we will only charge
you for three, okay ?

You mustn't be concerned.
This is our policy.

But i don't want
two more dinners.

Two creamy steak suisses.

I don't want them.

Your restaurant should
pay for everything.

His suit,
the food, everything.

That's right.
It was your fault.

Yeah.

So, i--

So he had nothing
to do with this.

Right.

He was just sitting
there and your waiter
spilled it on him.

I'm sorry.
Very-- I'm sorry.

Charlie.

Charlie,

What are you thinking

Bringing creamy
steak suisse

To people who just
came here to sit ?

He ordered it.

He ordered it ! Well !

The wheel turns,
however slowly.

Look i want
to see the owner.

You're looking at him.

You ?

Sorry, i thought you
were looking at him.
I was looking up there.

The waiter ?

But he said this
was his first day.

Yeah, waiting tables.

I've been the owner
since i was 13.

Youngest restauranteur
of the whole southwest.

There was
a kid in arizona.

I'm sorry we
brought you here.

You know what ?
I'm calling the police.

No, no, no.
Don't, don't.

Listen,

This suit is insured.

And so i'm not supposed to
wear it outside the office.

And if they find
out that i have,

My premiums are gonna
sh**t through the roof.

Is there any way we can
handle this, you know,

Between us ?

Well you gonna take your
suit to the cleaners ?

No.

That will make for too
much messy paperwork.

Listen, listen.
I think i know a couple
guys who can handle this.

All right, get the suit.

All right.

[ Tommy ]
ever since i was a kid,

I wanted to dabble
in the mafia.

With people like jimmy
"the businessman" indiglio,

Anthony "one time" branca.

He was called that because
he said everything one time.

Jeez, does
this suit stink.

What ?

And me,
tommy "wommy" omera.

We were a
bunch of pallies.

Oh, thank you.
This is nice sauce.

Thanks.

[ Speaking italian ]

Mama, come on.

Mama.

[ Italian ]

[ Badly dubbed ]
that loopy nerd
we buried is

Probably stinking up
the whole parking
forest by now.

[ Italian ]

Hey, watch your
motherfather mouth.

Don't you tell me
what to do, you
little piece of shoe.

Hey, kiss my aunt,
you motherfather.

Both of you can
grab one of books

And motherfather
chinese dentist.

You !

[ Edited g*nsh*t ]

Why'd you have
to go and do that ?

Why ? Why ?

I'll tell you why.
Because--

[ Announcer ]
pallies, the channel six
sunday sunshine

Moving picture show
will return after
these announcements.

Thank you, thomas.

Thanks, mr. Gibbons.

[ Len ]
my grandfather started
selling good food

To good people
back in 1926.

Lenny, some day you'll
take over for me.

And i tried hard to
keep his dreams alive.

By selling quality produce
at the lowest prices.

You know we may not
be as big and fancy as
some other stores,

But what's so fancy
about high prices ?

[ Female announcer ]
gibbons,
the old-Timey good place

With 15 convenient
locations.

♪ fairsley

♪ fairsley

[ Male announcer]
sure, gibbons markets may save
you a dime on select items,

But this week
at fairsley foods

All our produce
is 25 percent off

And you'll never find a rat.

Good prices, no rats.

That's the fairsley
difference.

This week at gibbons markets,
we're having our

Harvest time
red tag sale.

All red tagged items
are 40 cents off.

Oh, just to
let you know.

We never had a rat
here at gibbons.

I don't know what that
was in reference to, but

If you're looking for
savings, look to gibbons.

[ Female announcer ]
gibbons, with 15
convenient locations.

♪ fairsley

♪ fairsley

[ Male announcer ]
this week at fairsley foods:
pork crops, $1.29 a pound.

Farm fresh eggs,
$2.15 a dozen.

And unlike some places,
you'll always find apples.

That's the fairly difference.

We've got apples.

We've got apples.

Look. We've always
had apples.

How is that
a difference ?

It's not.

This week at gibbons markets,
with any purchase you make,

You'll receive
an apple for free.

[ Female announcer ]
gibbons, now with
nine locations.

♪ fairsley

[ Male announcer ]
this week at
fairsley foods

Circle o's cereal
is only $3.49 a box.

And at fairsley

You can shop comfortably

Knowing your children
will not be abducted,

Then shipped off to
a pakistani whorehouse

Where they'll spend
the rest of their lives
in h*m* servitude.

Come in with your kids,
leave with your kids.

That's
the fairsley difference.

I love children.

I assure you,
as a grandfather of five...

That no child has ever,
ever been taken from
a gibbon's market.

Ever.

But to ease your mind,

I've installed an
extremely expensive,

Very expensive
state-Of-The-Art
security system

In all of our markets.

New policy today.

Each child is fitted
with a tracking collar.

It uses radio waves.

Come to
gibbon's markets.

Squash is on sale.

[ Female announcer ]
gibbons.

Now with three
exclusive locations.

C'mon down to libbons.
I love kids.

I want your money.

[ Farting noise ]

[ Male announcer ]
...to get your business.

But at fairsley,
we stand behind our
three golden promises.

That's the
fairsley difference.

Fairsley foods.
Now with 23 locations
to serve you.

Hey !

Here we are !

We'll we're back
to our roots.

Driving the same streets
my grandfather started on.

The times were simpler
back then, weren't they ?

Because people
had integrity.

People were honest
with each other.

Just like my
grandfather was

When he--

Lenny,

You failed me.

But grandpa,
fairsley food lied.

Oh, shut up.

Hey, mr. Gibbons.

Hiya, lenny.

Mother, father,
i'm home.

Thomas !

Thomas.

[ Grunting ]

You did it.

Climbed
mount everest.

It's so good
to be home.

I see nothing's
changed.

Oh, that's new.

Oh, that's my
thimble collection.

I do love it so.

Enough of that.

Tell us of
your adventure.

It truly was an
adventure, father.

Sadly,
two men died.

[ Gasping ]

Yes.

One slipped
over a ridge.

His scream still
echoes in my mind.

Then, on
the final day

With the peak in sight

I suddenly felt my
quick rope go slack.

Oh !

But before
i was able--

My thimbles !

[ Laughing ]

I am sorry
it was funny.

It was.

No matter.
We'll help.

There.

All in place
and no harm done.

Thomas.
Richard.

Bless my soul,
brother, you did it.

Climbed
mount everest.

Tell richard
the story.

Yes, yes, yes.

You should have
seen me, richard.

I was on
the north face

Ascending it in
the bitter cold--

No, no, no,
not about everest,

About you, slipping.

But i climbed
mount everest.

Please, dear,
it was funny.

I want to hear
a funny story.

Oh, well, well.

I was just
over here...

I was telling
of the final ascent,

And i thought this
behind me was a stool.

And so i
rested on it

And i fell.

So that's
what you did !

I am so
sorry, mother.

Once was funny,
twice is just
not being careful.

Well, no matter.
We'll help you.

Yes.

Help.

There.
Good as new.

Yes.

So as i
was saying.

I had ascended
the peak.

I was standing amongst
the heavy winds...

Bracing myself.

Careful. Careful.

Don't worry,
mother.

The wind blew--

You did it twice.

Three times !

You weren't here.

He did it
three times !

Please help me.

Anyone could
have done it.

The drink cart
was right there.

Yes, but no one would
have leaned on it again.

Not when they
were talking about

How they had just
knocked it over.

But i thought
it was a stool.

How can you think
that this was a stool ?

Idiot !

I am not an idiot.

You asked to hear my story
of conquering everest

And so i told you.

And in the
course of things,

I rested upon what
i thought was a--

No !

No one help him !

Let thomas do it
himself this time.

Climb mount everest.

There.

And the wind blew
as we approached the peak...

[ Screaming ]

And then i thought
i saw a bear.

We took our
final giant steps.

Snow blind !
Could not see !

Thomas,
wonderful news.

Don't, no !

He almost finished his
story without slipping.

Enough of that.

I've just returned
from new york city

And they want to make
a moving picture
of your story.

Finally the story of
everest will be told.

[ Silent movie
organ music playing ]

[ Thinking ]
nobody takes
me seriously.

I, who conquered everest,

And portrayed
as a bumbling fool.

[ Laughing ]

And another thing, man.

What's with this
falling down sh*t ?

How many m*therf*cking
times this m*therf*cker
gonna fall down ?

That sh*t ain't funny.

You saw the script !

m*therf*cker,
don't interrupt me.

I'll interrupt my foot
up your a*s.

f*ck this.
You m*therf*ckers are fired.

All y'all m*therf*ckers
are fired.

How can you do that ?

Toto ! Toto !

Get this dog
away from me, man !

Get him away from me !

Toto !

Sweetie pie !

Oh, so
all along,

Sweetie pie,
the jailed gangster,

Was really sweetie pie,
our kitty cat.

You naughty
kitty cat.

Oh, we can't
stay mad at you.

We're gonna spank you
with our lips.

Take that.

And that.

That's a spanking.