02x06 - The Velveteen Touch of a Dandy Fop

[bunniefuu]

[ Audience applauding ]

hey, pop a wheelie,
it's bob and david !

[ Audience applauding ]

Yeah.
All right.

Hey, david.

Hey, uh...

Hey, bob, what's with
The running stuff ?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just part of my
Charity work, no big deal.

Oh. Um, well,
Tonight's show,

We're going to feature
A new wig, and it's styled by--

All right, all right,
I'll talk about it.

Folks, i'm gonna be
Running throughout
The entire show tonight,

'Cause you all
Caught me

In the middle of my
Annual 10-day run

For people with
Full-blown entitilitus.

Anyway, tonight's wig is
Styled by the house of--

It's a lot of work
To do, yeah, i know,

But that's the
Kind of guy i am.

I'm very selfless,
I'm very giving, uh...

It's just something i--
Come on !

[ Audience applauding ]

No, that's not
Why i'm doing this !

Come on,
You can clap !

No, that's not--

That is not why
I'm doing this.

Hey, i'm good, too,
Though, you know.

I'm good also,
I mean,

What you're doing
Is sort of like...

A lot like my work
With david's kids.

Oh.
You know, each year...

[ Audience laughing ]

Each year, i raise
Money for 'em just
To keep 'em going.

David, it's not
The same thing.

Those kids are your
Illegitimate children.

You have to
Support them.

I hate to bring up
Another good thing that
I do, but i will.

In fact, i think i have
To get to it right now.

My "wheels to meals"
Program.

"Wheels to meals" ?

That's right, david.

I deliver elderly
People to food.

How ya doing,
Old-timer ?

It's good for
The old people,

And it's good
For the food.

You know what ?

[ Laughing ]

That's actually, uh--
That's actually very similar

To my work with
David's girls.

Ah.

David, hardly,
Hardly.

Paying models to
Wear paper clothes

And have pillow fights
Is not charity work.

Oh, i know.

Then that's like
My work with david.

That's my boy--
Me !

[ Audience laughing ]

Hey, tiger !

How ya doing ?

No, david, no.

No, that's not charity
Either, david.

Charity is when you
Do something for people

While other people
Are watching.

And while i'm
On the subject...

Have we got
These cameras on ?

Which one ?
Oh, right here, great.

I've got a phone call
I have to make.

Well, whoa. Who
Are you calling ?

Oh, it's nothing.

Just a friend of mine.

Gary. He's blind.

I like to call him and
Read him a comic strip.

I figure it
Brightens his day.

He's, ah,
Blind from birth.

Aw !
Tsss !

Hey, gary !
Hey, man,
How ya doing ?

I got a great
"Calvin" today, buddy.
You're gonna--

Yeah, ok, bob,
Let's do this.

He's really
Excited.

Ok, in the
First panel,

Calvin's in church,

And church is
Kinda weird,

But it's funny,
Man, it's funny.

I wish i could
Describe it to you--

Nancy, could
You get me

All invoices for
Jaker and rubbs ?

Sorry, gary,
What was that ?

Don't worry about it,
Bob. Read the thing.

Oh, ok.

Ok, now, in
The 2nd panel,

Calvin's in hell, and
It's totally scary,

But it's kinda
Funny, it's...

God, i wish you could
See it ! I mean...

[ Grunting ]

I can't really
Describe it,

But it's got, like,
Faces on the flames,

[ Laughing ]
Oh, that's great,
Bob. Very funny.

Thanks, thanks a lot.
You're a good man,

And, uh, you
Brighten my day.

And on behalf of
Blind people everywhere,

Thank you. Ok,
Really got to run.
Bye-bye now.

Ok, but there's
A 3rd panel, gary.

Bob ? I don't
Spend my day

f*ck' around on
A television show.

I have a
Company to run.

Mr. Haberson,
A mr. Phil leshkin called.

He wants to read you
The racing form.

And a mr. Genetto
Called.

He wants to read you
The back of a cereal box,

In case you're
Having breakfast.

All right.

Phew.

You know, like many
People with disabilities,

I lead a full,
Active life.

But every now and then,
I like to take a few minutes

To let a non-handicapped
Person "help me."

It could be
Something as small

As letting them
Read the paper,

Or as big as a
Weekend at the zoo.

It gives a sense
Of purpose

To their otherwise
Meaningless existence.

this is especially
true in hollywood,

where celebrities are
grossly rewarded

for insignificant
achievements,

and lead empty,
trivial lives.

for years, handicapped
people have donated their time

to give just a
little bit of meaning

to these otherwise sad
and hollow individuals.

from big-time telethons
to small, anonymous gestures,

handicapped people
are there for you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Linda, don't
Leave me !

Todd !

Linda, don't do this
To me. I love you.

I know, but
I want more.

I want more,
Too.

You know ? I want
To be with you.

To be with you,
And, you know...

A team.

You know,
You and me,
I mean...

Ask her to
Marry you.

What ?

Ask her to
Marry you !

Come on,
Be a man !

If you feel
It, say it.

Yeah.

[ Audience laughing ]

Linda...

Will you
Marry me ?

Oh.

Aw.

That's nice.

I'm sorry.
No, i can't.

[ Groaning ]

Is it something
I did ? I mean...

[ Speaking
Japanese ]

Oh, he said, uh...

He said, "ask her if you can
Still go out occasionally."

Can we still go
Out occasionally ?

No, sorry.

Jesus.

Hit her.

[ Audience laughing ]

Hit her !

[ Speaking japanese ]

He said,
"Give her kung fu."

Yeah, be a man !

[ Chanting ]
Hit her ! Hit her !

Shut up ! Shut up !
Shut up !

Oh, todd !
I'm sorry, linda !

Aw !

Oh !

Kiss her.

Slip her
The tongue.

Grab
Her a*s.

What are you--
Stop it !

What's wrong
With you ?

First you ask me
To marry you, then
You ask me out,

And then you try
To grope me ?

You need help !

Punch the wall.

I'm gonna punch you.

You better not,
Buster brown.

Hello, i'm dr. Sammy,

Beverly hills
Psycho-actualist,
And author of the book

old lady, biker,
g*y guy, japanese man--

the 4 voices within.

[ Audience laughing ]

You see,
Inside each of us

Are 4 distinct
Drives or voices.

Our old lady is
Our shortsighted,

Impatient,
Doddering old fool,

Prone to violence and
Rash decision-making.

Our biker backs her up
Every step of the way.

Our g*y guy takes
It personal and
Makes it personal,

With the...
With the velveteen
Touch of a dandy fop.

And, lastly, our
Japanese man utters
Nonsensical advice

Which only our biker
Can translate...

And transcend.

My program is designed
To wrangle these 4.

I'll be at the
Holiday center spot

In nashanua,
New hampshire,
In room 39 all weekend.

Hello, i'm
Dr. Randy terry,

Author of
the 5 voices.

Inside each of us
Is an old lady,

A g*y guy, a biker
And a japanese man,

All under the sway
Of the 5th,
Dominant voice--

The false
Doctor voice.

[ Audience laughing ]

This voice will be
At the holiday inn spot

In nashua,
New hampshire,
In room 39 all weekend.

Do not visit him.

Oh, hello.

I see you've met
Voice 4 and a half--

"Dr. Jealousy."

This is the voice
That tries to
Undermine my system.

Ignore it.

f*ck you !

Oh...Brilliant
Retort, a-hole.

Ok, now we'll see who
Exists in whose mind.

Biker,
Beat him up !

Old lady, stop the
Biker and fight
The false doctor !

Japanese man,
Get in there,
Kung fu him !

[ Announcer ]
tonight, in your head,

the ultimate cage match--

g*y guy, old woman,
biker and japanese man,

and not one,
but two doctors !

6 voices fight
until there's only
one left,

only one left,
only one left !

only one left,
only one left.

[ Woman ]
Only one left.

What ?

Only one left.

Please, just pick
One more doughnut.

Ok.

My head is
Pounding, all right ?

It's like i'm
Hearing voices.

What'll it be, sir ?

Ok, for my last
Doughnut choice,

I would like
To have a...

I will have a...

Single...

Doughnut...

Made...

Out...

Of...

Jam.

Jelly ?

Yeah, i already
Told you once.

Keep the change.

[ Audience laughing ]

You want a
Doughnut ?

No, i don't eat
Doughnuts or hamburgers

Or any other food that has
"Approval of the masses."

Did you, uh, see
sanford and son
Last night ?

I don't watch
Television. I don't
Even own a television.

Notice i didn't
Say "tv."

"Tv" is a nickname,
And nicknames
Are for friends,

And television is
No friend of mine.

[ Audience laughing ]

You wanna go
See a movie then ?

We could go see that
One about the coupon.

I only go and see
Foreign films.

You wanna listen
To some cds ?

Oh, please,
Compact discs blow.

People were not meant
To hear music with
Such clarity.

People need to hear snaps
And pops and that sh*t.

What is that ?

This, my friend,

Is the only modern piece
Of equipment i will touch.

Is it a cd player ?

No, i just--
It's a mini-victrola,

And it allows me
To listen to

The only decent music
Ever committed to vinyl.

Vinyl ?

Yes-s-s.

Is it a d.A.T.
Player ?

Jesus,
Just listen.

Man, it's so pure,
It hurts.

[ piano music playing ]

* oh, automobile

* baby loves
my automobile *

* can't get enough of
my automobile *

* driving it all day long *

he was the most popular
entertainer of his time.

Dickie crickets was the king
Of megaphone crooning,

Or, as we called it back then,
"Megaphone crooning."

this is before
rudy vallee,

before maurice chevalier,

and dickie was ahead
of everybody.

* elevator

* baby's crazy 'bout
my elevator*

* just nuts about
my elevator *

* ridin' it up
and down *

1923 was dickie's year,
though, boy.

3 songs,
all number 1.

automobile, elevator,
And aeroplane.

look, everything is
hunky-dory for dickie,

Until kid jersey
Came along.

* penicillin

* baby loves
my penicillin *

* baby's well 'cause
of my penicillin *

* takes it all
day long *

Thank you.

and he was polite.

He would always say...

"Thank you."

he coined the term. People--

Everybody's saying it now.

Well, dickie
Hated him for that.

And he hit back hard.

* time machine

* baby loves my
time machine *

* travels around
in time *

[ Audience booing ]

people didn't want
to hear songs about things

That hadn't even been
Invented yet.

They wanted songs
About new inventions.

But the scientists
Weren't coming up

With the new inventions
Quickly enough.

so 1929,

dickie and the kid
decide to join forces.

they crossed
the country

on the "monsters of
megaphone" tour.

at every show,
they'd have to invent
something new

before they could
sing about it.

that was the rule.

and a man from
the patent office

monitored the whole thing,
and people loved it.

* sports bra, sports bra,
lifts some of her weights *

* sports bra, sports bra,
baby don't jiggle around *

* wearin' it
all over town *

[ Audience applauding ]

* electric tie rack,
it's so nice *

* moves ties
from side to side *

* electric tie rack,
baby loves it *

* rackin' up
electric ties *

thank you.

[ Audience applauding ]

* electric sports bra,
electric sports bra *

* baby lights up
when she-- *

[ Audience booing ]

Sorry, sorry.

[ Dinging ]

* oh, money machine,
counterfeit money
machine *

* baby loves her
money machine *

* makes a lot of money
and how *

thank you.

[ Audience laughing ]

well, it was all
downhill from there.

People were all
Megaphoned out.

Public's fickle, i guess.

As for dickie and the kid,
I don't know where
They are now.

Tisha !

Tisha.

Where's dickie
And the kid ?

[ Singing softly ]

* Vacuum cleaner,
Vacuum cleaner *

* Best thing they
Have around *

Ah, forget it.

They're lost in
Their own world.

Why not ?

It was a golden
Time for them...

And for american
Entertainment.

You still
Got it, kid.

Thank you.

Those days
Are gone now.

Nowadays,

All you got are
These flashy,
Big-budget pictures

That nobody
Goes to see.

[ Sighing ]

Nothin' but
A bunch of crap.

Bunch of bullshit.

Stupid--

This is the biggest
Failure in
Movie history !

coupon ! The movie
Has made zero money.

You people
Are responsible.

I wanna know what
The hell happened !

Look,
The reports show

That's the most
Popular coupon
In the country.

Everyone uses it.

People love the coupon,
They should love the movie.

Well, they don't !

And what
I want to know is,

Who green-lighted
This picture ?

[ Watch beeping ]

Tom !
Didn't even glance at it.

I thought i saw
It on your desk.

No, i didn't
Green-light it.

As i remember it,
I farmed this thing out,

I was just
Shepherding it around.

You know, david, didn't you
Nurse this at your teat
For a little while ?

David ?
David ?

Well, you know,
I seem to recall
Giving it the go-ahead.

Huh ?

The green light,
Not the movie.

I gave a go-ahead
To the green light.

I mean, this thing
Had a thumbs-up

Way before
It got to me.

It wasn't even my thumb.
It was a woman's thumb.

Jill ?
Jill ?

I...Vaguely recall
Giving it a thumbs-up,

But that's not the same
As a green light, sir.

Bob, you've been
Very quiet.

Bob ?
Bob ?

Bob ?
Bob ?

Oh...

Uh, well, uh,
What we've got here

Is a classic
Chinese telephone.

[ Laughing ]

Nothing against
The chinese.

But, uh, i gave
This picture a very
Tentative "gangs away,"

Which is an old term
From the '30s

That means
"Cut loose."

Paul ?

Paul ?
Paul ?

No ! I...Sir...

All i gave this
Was the old

"1, 2, buckle my shoe,
3, 4, shut the door,

"5, 6, the...Sticks..."

Jay !

Jay ?
Jay ?

Now, people, sure,
I may have, you know...

[ Squeaking ]

Slapped it up a bit,
You know,

[ Kissing ]

[ Grunting ]

Sure, i might've
Done that.

[ Singing gibberish
With strange voice ]

You're right !
You're right !

But, guys, i'm
Going down here.

And i swear, if i have
To go from being
Super-rich to rich,

I swear,
I'll k*ll myself.

And i'm not
Goin' down alone.

You act like you're
The only one here

Who's been hurt
By this thing.

You know, i wanted
To turn that movie

Into an amusement
Park ride...

So i could take my kids--
Samantha and joey

And little--
Little tyler on it for fun.

But now i don't know
If i even want kids.

[ Audience laughing ]

I was gonna turn it into
A theme restaurant.

What do i tell
My maid ?

[ Audience laughing ]

What about me ?

I had planned for
This thing to be
A big blockbuster,

So i could start
A trendy heroin habit.

Well, now that's
Never gonna happen.

[ All talking ]

[ Shouting ]
No, no !

I'll tell you
Who's responsible, sir--

The american public,
And i know you're
Close with them,

But they
Manipulated us.

They tricked us
Into believing

That this movie was
What they wanted to see,

Pretending to
Like that coupon.

Let me at 'em !

[ Whimpering ]
Ow ! Ow !

Where's your golden
Public now, sir ?

I'll tell you where.

They're all laughin'--
Laughin' at you.

Laughin' at the
Big, fat as*h*le.

Thank you.

Thank you all...

For opening my
Big, fat as*h*le eyes.

Look, don't cry.

Don't cry,
Movie executives.

It's not
Your fault.

The american public

Have screwed
The movie industry over
For the last time.

Oh, they'll see this movie.
You bet they will.

How are you
Gonna make 'em ?

We'll sue the pants
Off of them.

And then we'll
Sell them pants !

Yes !

[ Announcer ]
Coupon ! The movie

v. The people
of the united states.

Are you or are you not
A member of the public ?

Answer the question.

[ Reporter ]
all of america awaits their
turn on the witness stand.

day 300, and we're
only on the "b's."

Your honor,
We were cheated.

No one saw
This movie.

I'll bet you
Didn't even see it.

Mr. Pastings, may i
Remind you that i am
Not on trial here...

Until next week.

Did you see
The movie or not ?

I'm sorry !

It was dark !

I didn't know.
Objection, your honor.

Did you use
The coupon or not ?

You're a liar !

[ Singing crazily ]

Ah, shut up.

Do you own
Tube socks or not ?

[ Sobbing ]
It was a baby !

[ Sobbing ]
No, i'm not sorry.

Broken gavel.

[ Making car noises ]

You're out of order,
I'm out of order,

This whole court's
Out of order !

Ow, my eye !

[ Sobbing ]

Ow !

This court finds
In favor of...

The plaintiff.

[ Cheering ]

I sentence each
And every person
In the united states

To one viewing of
coupon ! The movie.

And may god have
Mercy on your souls.

Who wants to
Go friday ?

[ Announcer ]
monolith pictures presents--

in a world
filled with desire...

[ Walking heavily ]

where dreams seem
just out of reach...

sometimes,
a chance meeting...

can turn a stranger
into your best friend.

Here you go,
Ma'am.

"this is the movie
all of america must see."

monolith pictures
presents...

a famous
mortimer film...

This'll save me
Some money.

Coupon ! The movie.

when she's pushed
to the limit,

she joins forces with
a ragtag group of kids...

How 'bout you kids ?
How's everything
At school ?

Fine.

Scott, how
'Bout you ?

It was ok.

and a man who was
bound to her by law.

How 'bout you, honey ?
How's work ?

[ Sighing ]

You know, it's all right.
Same thing.

together,
they hatch a plan

so crazy that it
just might work.

Hey, kids, i'm gonna go
Shopping this weekend.

You wanna come ?

Ok.

Scott, what
About you ?

Ok.

but sometimes,
even the best-laid plans

can go awry.

I'm taking the kids
Shopping later.

Where to ?

Seberson's discount.

Seberson's discount ?

Yeah, why ?

Well, they close
In an hour.

I'd better get going.

No, beth.

Stay. Finish
Your sandwich.

[ Audience laughing ]

and a race
against time...

[ Mother ]
Buckle up, kids.

becomes a voyage
of discovery.

Hey, mom,
Look what i can do.

That's nice, honey.

and you'll never believe
the surprise ending...

Dead.

All dead.

where this happens.

Honey.

Guess what ?

What ?

I got you some socks.

[ Audience chuckling ]

come see the movie
that the attorney general
is calling

"a required romp,"

and the director
of the fbi called

"warm...And mandatory."

We saw
coupon ! The movie.

The woman totally
Used a coupon

To buy some socks !

Yeah, and it
Was a movie !

Coupon ! The movie.

see it once,
and you're free to go.

I got it
Over with !

I saw the sh*t
Out of it !

and coming soon
to all amusement parks...

Coupon ! The movie,

the ride.

you'll get wetter
than you've ever
been in your life.

Wow !

I'm wetter than
I've ever been,

And i'm
From canada !

and coming
next summer...

Mr. Show-- the credits.

They're great !

You totally know
Who did the show !

The whole cast
Is in 'em !

We met
At the credits.

And now
We're married !

Credits !

I totally believe
In dragons now !

[ Audience laughing ]

Hi, my name is gem,
And i'm from cleveland !

Did you guys, uh...

See those guys
That i was with ?

They were, like--
They were like me.

We were all yellin' ?

The one--the one guy
Was like that ?

Now is not the time.

Did anybody see that
Guy that was, um...

Lookin' for me
From before ?

He was, like,
About my height,

And a little
Longer hair ?

We were, like, in a group--
A whole group of people ?

'Cause he's my ride.

[ Audience laughing ]

And, um...

Has anybody--

No way, dude !

I totally thought
You were gone !

[ Crying ]

[ Audience applauding ]

i thought you
totally bailed !