02x02 - A Talking Junkie

[bunniefuu]

[ Audience applauding ]

oh, god, it's
bob and david !

[ Audience cheering ]

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.
Welcome to mr. Show.
I'm bob odenkirk.

[ With british accent ]
And i'm david cross.

h*-h*.

And we have a great
Show for you tonight.

Yes, tonight's
Show is terribly,
Terribly brilliant.

[ Audience laughing ]

Ah, david.

All right, well, we've
Got some great scenes,

The cast members have
Learned their line,

And you guys have
Been well paid.

So, uh, let's
Get started.

Indeed, let's get this
Wallypopper a-brighting.

All right.

Look, david, uh, just be
Yourself, all right ?

Right-o, robert.
Chim chim cheree !

Ok, forget it. Guys,
Come on out here !

Come on !

Wh-what--
What's all this
Ballyhoo, then ?

It's about your
Faky british accent.

It's really got
To stop, david.

It's really
Annoying.

Yeah, david,
People are talking
About hitting you.

Yeah.

I don't hear it.
I don't-- i mean...

Hello. Hello, mum.

[ Audience laughing ]

Is this the queue
For the loo ? I've
Only got 2 pounds.

That's it.
Right there.

I don't hear it. I mean,
Perhaps i might have

Picked something up
When i was in london

A few whiffen's past.

A few
Whiffen's ?

What's
That mean ?

Let's hit him.

Can i be first ?
Line up.

No, no, no, jeez !
God !

Look, i...Was just
Trying to have some
Personality, is all.

[ Audience laughing ]

An affectation.
Well, david...

That's
Pathetic.

Yeah, it is.

Well, what about
You guys ?

I mean, you
Know, you guys have
Your little things.

You know, jill,
You got that parrot
You wear around.

And, tom,
You got lice.

And, john, you get
High all the time.

[ Audience laughing ]

And what about
You, bob ?

You know, always
Out there singing
The rap songs,

Using the slang.

[ Audience laughing ]

Well, that's me, david,
I'm from the street.

Yeah.

[ Audience laughing ]

I guess i'm not
From anywhere.

And i guess i have
No friends either.

That's
Too bad.

Correction...

I do have one
Friend. Best friend
In the whole world.

Oh, man.
Look, if you mention
That junkie again,

I swear, i'll
Go get high.

Yeah, david.
How many times
Have i told you

There's no
Such thing as a
Talking junkie ?

Yes, there is,
I've seen him.

Where ?
London,
England ?

Yeah, when ? A few
Whiffen's past ?

[ Laughing ]
Cheerio !

There is such a
Thing as a talking
Junkie ! I have seen him.

David, listen, uh, i've
Got a show to do
Here on planet earth.

[ Audience laughing ]

Any--anytime you
Want to join me,
You're welcome.

[ Hip-hop music playing ]

Damn ! Snap it back
With your old
Funky-a*s b*tch !

* Ain't no party
Like a mr. Show party *

* 'Cause the .Mr. Show
Party don't stop *

* Hey, h*

C'mon.

* Hey, h*

Yeah.

* Hey, h*

Yeah, yeah.

* Hey, h*

* Hey, h*... *

Hey, junkie !

[ Junkie's voice ]
david, what's wrong ?

aren't you supposed
to be doing your show ?

I'm supposed to.
They won't miss me.

Bob's in there,
f*ck' sh*t
Up old school,

And i got kicked
Out of school.

i'm sorry, squirt.

Ah, i just wanted some
Personality is all.

oh, david, you do
have personality.

you're hyper and
pushy and rude.

[ Boinging ]

Ok, ok, i get it.

Hey, junkie,

What if i got
A cool tattoo ?

well, i don't know.

how's that c*ck
ring working out ?

Well, my
Girlfriend
Liked it,

And my boyfriend
Liked it,

But my wife
Hated it.

[ Audience laughing ]

oh, david,

sometimes the answer is
right in front of your face.

You think i
Should do drugs ?

worked for me.

Well...

I don't know.

[ David ]
this was a bad idea.

[ Audience laughing ]

* everyone knows
a junkie squats *

* and everyone knows
a junkie walks *

* but have you seen
a junkie talk ? *

* the amazing
talking junkie *

[ Audience applauding ]

[ Rod ]
Oh, look at him.

[ Jill ]
I'm so happy.

Oh, he's a scratcher.
He's a scratcher.

[ Speaking like a baby ]
Oh, someone's tired.

Ooh.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

There's the door.
I'll get it.

Hi.
Hi.

There's the
Proud papa.

Congratulations,
Mommy. Where's
That baby ?

Where's
That baby ?

Where's that
Baby, huh ?

Shh !

What ?
He's asleep ?

He's right
Here.

[ Jill ]
Isn't he precious ?

Go on, say
Hi to him.

He's big.

His name is tyler,
And he's just perfect.

Um...

Yeah ?

Rod, i know that you
Guys have been wanting
A baby for a long time,

But you can't be serious.
You adopted this guy ?
He's our age, you know ?

[ Audience laughing ]

Todd, rod and i
Are very serious.

We told the adoption
Agency that we had
No preferences--

Any age, any color,
Any background,

So long as it
Was someone that
Wanted to be loved.

[ Giggling ]

Go on, give
Him a chance.

I don't wanna--
Go on !

Come on.

Hi. Todd.

[ Grunting ]

Ty,
Manners !
Come on.

[ Sighing ]
Hi.

I'm ty.
Ty, uh...

Mcginty.

Ty mcginty.

[ Audience laughing ]

Just watching the
Game, you know.

Yeah.

Hey, i know that ring--
Penn state, huh ?

Yeah, nittany lions,
Man, class of '85.

Pitt, class
Of '87 !

No sh*t.
No sh*t.

You ever go to
The red barn ?

f*ck, yeah,
Quarter
Beers, tuesdays.

Hey, were you there in '89
When that drunk chick gave
Fat lenny the lap dance ?

Ah ! Yes !

He took her top off.
When he opened
Her shirt, he was going...

Uh ! Uh !
Uh ! Uh !

Boo, bam, boom.
Boom, batty, boom.

You've gotta meet my
Wife, sarah. Sarah,
This is ty mcginty !

Oh.
Hi.

Penn state.

Well, hello.

[ Audience laughing ]

enchante.

Mmm. Mmm.

Todd ?

Ok, hey, that's
Enough of that.

Why don't i clear
Off a little space
For you to sit down ?

[ Crying ]

Take a load off.

[ Todd ]
Yeah, well, we've
Got to get going.

Later on, baby.

Sorry.
Thanks, rod.

What you doing
Going out with
A pitt man for ?

[ Laughing ]

Oh, so, hey...

Is it cool to
Smoke in here ?

Or are you
Guys gonna be
Dicks about it ?

[ Audience laughing ]

Well, we'd rather
You didn't smoke.

My baby can
Smoke on his
Special day.

Honey, um,
We should talk.

[ Whispering ]
Talk to him.
Talk to your son.

Ok.

Hey, son ?

Guess what ?

We're gonna do everything
Together, you and i.

Next week,
You're gonna come
Down to my office

And watch me
Design things.
I'm an architect.

And we're gonna go to
A baseball-card show.

And next weekend,
You and i are gonna fix
That hole in the roof.

Huh ? Just a father
And son fix-it day.
What do you say, tiger ?

Ok, first of all,
You're an architect ?

Well, you're a p*ssy.

[ Audience laughing ]

2nd of all,
Baseball-card shows ?

Oh, they're for
Real big pussies.

And 3rd of all, i'm
Not fixing your roof.

Your roof,
Your hole.

[ Audience laughing ]

S'mores !

Honey...
What ?

Listen, can we
Send this guy back ?

Send him back ?
This is our new son !

I don't care. If you
Haven't noticed, this
Guy is a real as*h*le.

[ Audience laughing ]

Come on,
Dad, i didn't
Ask to be born.

[ Audience laughing ]

All right, i
Think it's time
For a family meeting.

Tyler mcginty, turn
Off the television.

You can't make
Me, you're not
My real parents.

Turn off the
Tv, dickweed !

I hate you, daddy.
I hate you, i hate
You, i hate you.

I'm leaving,
And i'm never
Coming back.

Oh, ty-ty !

Ty, ty, ty !
No, no, let him go.

[ Audience laughing ]

You know
Something ?

You know, i've been
Adopted 43 times.

You know ? And all right,
42 times of those, all
Right, i was the as*h*le.

That was my bad.

You know,
Not this time.

You f*cked
This one up.

I tried,
You didn't.

[ Audience laughing ]

Gee, dad,
Cat's still in
The cradle...

[ Audience laughing ]

Silver spoon,
The moon...

All that.

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Man ]
* when you're feeling low
and things have gone astray *

* remember, my friend
help is on the way *

* red balloon is here

* to take your
hand and steer *

* red balloon will
help you fly away *

* red balloon hath
a tale to tell *

* of candy, fun
and golden bells *

* red balloon will
push you down the well *

* red balloon will
send you straight to hell *

* you've got to
follow your balloon *

* you've got to
follow your balloon *

* red balloon
will lead you on *

* red balloon will
make you strong *

[ Group ]
* you've got to
follow your balloon *

* you've got to
follow your balloon *

* you've got to
follow your balloon *

[ Man ]
* you've got to follow

[ Group ]
* you've got to
follow your balloon *

[ Woman ]
* you've got to
follow your balloon *

[ Group ]
* you've got to
follow your balloon *

[ Man ]
* why won't you
follow that balloon ? *

Hello.
Hi.

Uh, can i get some
Change, please ?

Sure.

For the balloon.

Oh, i'm
Sure it is.

Say, you're a
New face here.

Why don't you try booth
Play a little longer.

Goodness, troy, you
Were only in there
About 10 minutes.

Are you feeling
All right ?

Yeah.

Step over here.

No warmer than
You should be.

All right, see
You next week.

Thanks, mrs. A.

Good-bye, troy.

Thanks, mr. A.

Good kid.

Fine boy.

[ Laughing ]

[ Sighing ]

g*dd*mn it !

Language !

Jimmy !

What the hell is
This, young man ?

I don't know.

I'll tell you
What it is.

It's a box of
Big, black dildos.

[ Audience laughing ]

You and your sister
Were supposed to put
These out last night !

I'll do it later !

You'll do it now !

Ow !

[ Audience laughing ]

And next time,
You'll get more than
A dildo in the head !

[ Audience laughing ]

Stupid dildos !

Don't blame
The dildos !

Morning,
Mrs. Applesway.

Mr. Applesway.

Mr. Tink.

Suppose you know
Why i'm here.

Mr. Tink, i've told you,
This shop is not for sale.

[ Audience laughing ]

Look, take the money.
The city's rezoning
This entire block.

You're gonna
Lose the shop.

No, we won't.

We have a petition.

Every customer for
The past month has
Signed that, and proudly.

"L. Smith," "bill
Smith," "mr. Jones"--

[ Audience laughing ]

Fake names.

Well, the last names
Might be, but the
First names are real.

Very clever, but
It won't work.

Mr. Applesway, when
You change your mind--

And you will--

Give me a call.

[ Audience laughing ]

Uh, can i have some
Quarters, also ?

Oh, yes.
Give him some quarters.

Of course you can.
I should have known.

Thanks.

Try booth 2--

two chicks,
one d*ck.

Oh, he'll
Love it.

Done ! I'm going
To ronnie's.

Oh, oh, wait,
Wait, wait !

Take this clean-shaven tape
Over to ronnie's dad for me.

[ Audience laughing ]

Would you care
To explain this ?

What's
That ?

One of those
X-rated cd-roms.

I will not have this
Filth in my house.

This stuff sickens me !
Sex with a computer.

Mom, it's
Only porno.

Jimmy, honey, computers
Are not natural.
There's no warmth.

Not like a magazine, you
Know, you can run your
Fingers over the pages.

You run
Your fingers
Over the pages.

You watch
Your mouth !

[ Audience laughing ]

Ok, keep the
Stupid cd.

I don't care. I hate
Porno. I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of
all-a**l action,
And chicks with dicks,

And lactating mommas
And all of it !

Let me remind you,
Young man, that that
Stupid all-a**l action

Paid for that precious
Mountain bike of yours.

Well, i
Don't care.

Well, you should
Start to care !

Well, i don't !
You should !

Well, i don't !
Start !

[ Exploding ]

Oh, my god !

Who speaks ill
Of p*rn*graphy ?

[ Audience laughing ]

Oh, my god !

[ Audience laughing ]

Who are you ?

I ? Why, i
Started this shop

With just a hole in
The side of a tree.

[ Audience laughing ]

Oh, my god ! Great-
Great-great-grandpa !

That's right !

Young man, you say
You hate p*rn*graphy...

But p*rn*graphy
Does not hate you.

Why, in your darkest
Hour, who is it
That holds your hand ?

p*rn*graphy.

[ Audience laughing ]

You listen
To him, jimmy.

You listen,
Too, father !

Do you remember how
They laughed at you ?

They laughed at you

When you brought
Home the very first
Dirty videotape.

Yes.
Yes !

What did
They say ?

That it would
Never replace
The super-8 loop.

But now
Look ! Look !

An entire wall of nothing
But hard-core g*y a**l sex.

[ Audience laughing ]

If that doesn't bring
A tear to your eye,

Then you're the
One who's inhuman.

Thank you, sir,
You've taught
Us all a lesson.

Don't mention it.

And now i must depart
Your physical realm.

Bye.
Bye.

Bye.

Could i get some, uh,
Quarters, actually ?

Oh, yes, of
Course you can.

There
You go.

Thank you very much.
Keep it in the family.
[ Laughing ]

And now, i bid
You farewell and
Back into the mist.

[ Tink ]
Hey, i'm in here !

Oh, i'm sorry. Terribly
Sorry. So long, now.

[ Audience laughing ]

Good-bye !
Good-bye !

Good-bye !

[ Audience applauding ]

Oh !

[ Sighing ]

[ Sighing ]

Mr. Tink.

I couldn't help but
Overhear what that
Ghost had to say.

[ Audience laughing ]

He's right.

I'm advising
My bosses to
Look elsewhere.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

Oh, god
Bless you !

You're wel-- oh.

Thank you.

[ Sighing ]

Good-bye.
Good-bye.

Good-bye.

[ Whispering ]
Bye.

[ Audience laughing ]

Uh, can i have
Some quarters ?

Oh, yes, i
Thought you
Were done.

Couple of pumps left.
[ Laughing ]

I'm going
To ronnie's.

[ Mrs. A. ]
All right, be careful.

[ Banging on ceiling ]

Oh, those damn
Neighbors...

[ Banging ]

Keep it down !

There's people trying to
Masturbate down here !

[ Audience laughing ]

[ Hammer banging ]

[ Crying ]
I can't take it !

I can't take it anymore !

This world is hard !

I got no reason to live.

[ Swooshing ]

[ Soft music playing ]

Three times one
Minus one !

What are you
Doing here ?

Three times one minus one's
Gonna make it a'ight.

[ Chiming ]

* Ewww

* Ewww

* Ewww

* Girl

* Ewww

* Ewww

Damn.

Check it out, g !
Comin' straight
Outta scarsdale !

That's three
Times one minus one
With their top-10 single

ewww, girl, ewww.

[ Audience laughing ]

I'm 'a be chittin' 'n'
Chattin' with them right
Here in the present tense

On the w.P.C.B.C.N. !

[ Announcer ]
you are watching
the white people

co-opting black
culture network.

[ Audience laughing ]

A'ight, a'ight ! I'm
Hangin' with my boyz
From the t.T.O.M.O.

Why don't y'all
Introduce ya
All selves ?

Well, uh, it's like,
I'm sayin', this
Is my man, pootie-t.

What's up ?

It's like, i'm
Sayin', my name
Is wolfgang amadeus

Stallonies von
Funkenmeister the


[ Audience laughing ]

Yeah, so, so, so
Tell me about ya
All's influences.

Yeah, yeah, i'm
Down with that.

It's like, i'm
Sayin', brent b.,

We've been influenced
By all kinds of
White performers

Who've been influenced
By black entertainers.

You know ?

It's like, i'm
Sayin', i gotta say,
My man, elvis, the king.

You know ? It's like,
I'm sayin', vanilla
Ice, the original.

You know ?

It's like, i'm
Sayin', the blues
Brothers. Right ?

It's like,
I'm sayin',
The new kids.

It's like, i'm sayin',
The manhattan transfer.

[ Brent ]
Had 'em on the show.

All that,
All the greats.

All the great ones.

A'ight, well,
You know, let's
Dip into that

Hot and
Sticky video
One more time--

T.T.O.M.O.

* Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww
Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww *

* Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww
Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww *

* Ewww

* Ewww, ewww

* Ewww, girl *

Damn.

[ Audience laughing ]

Yeah, man,
That's the b*mb !

[ Audience laughing ]

So it's
A message
Of hope ?

Well, it's about
Literacy, you know ?

Damn !
Down with that ?

You recently, pootie-t,
You had a book thrown
At you, didn't you,

For, like, a
Pamphlet crime ?

Straight up, man.

He's talkin'
About loiterin'.

My man, pootie-t...

Damn, damn !

The cops came down on him
So hard, so hard, you know ?

They say he'd been loiterin'
And jaywalkin', you know,

'Cause he'd be walkin'
Across the street and that.

My man, pootie-t,
Is from the street.

He got to be able to
Walk across the street.

[ Audience laughing ]

I ain't got no
Flyin' shoes.

[ Audience laughing ]

Now, brent,

It's, like, now my man,
Here, is facing $10,
$20 fine, you know ?

It's like, i'm
Sayin', man,

The cops
Be crackin'
Down on you.

You know, it's, like, if
You're a white performer

Who's impersonating
A black performer,
They come right at you.

You know ?

It's like a--
It's like a double-triple
Standard, you know ?

It's like, i'm sayin',
It's like double-reverse
Racism times 9.

[ Audience laughing ]

The cops
Be crackin'
Down on us.

They see you drivin'
By in a fancy car,
They stop you and go,

"Yo, you know,
If you was a black
Man, i'd arrest you,

"But you're white
And you're actin'
Like you're black,

"And you can
Go, but..."

[ Brent ]
Yeah.

[ Audience laughing ]

You know, brent,
I got one more
Thing i wanna say

To everybody
Out there. Is that
The camera that's on ?

Yeah, right
Over there.

It's like, i'm
Sayin', you know.

[ Audience laughing ]

Yeah. Yeah.

A'ight, well, listen,
As we turn it out,
Let's take another whiff

Of that latrocious
Vid-e-i-e-i-e-i-o

With my boyz from
The t.T.O.M.O. !

* Girl, lady, woman

* Little girl, little

* Ewww, girl

Damn.

[ Female singers ]
* ewww, girl

* ewww, girl *

Here's 308.

This is the place,

And it just
Became available.

Unfortunately, the
Last girl who lived
Here took her own life.

I hope
That doesn't
Bother you.

[ Audience laughing ]

Damn.

[ Announcer ]
coming to the
greenwich civic center

from london's west end,

sir lloyd wilson webber's
Rap-- the musical !

* Just give me that
Big, booming bass *

* In your face
That booming bass *

* Give me that
Stoopid, phat rhyme *

* Every time

* Describe a crime *

[ Announcer ]
Rap-- the musical !
contains no rap music !

* Oh, goin' on a drive-by,
Just me posse and me *

* I'm a gangster
Of the old school *

* You can call me o.G. *

[ Announcer ]
Rap-- the musical !
is a celebration

for the entire family.

* I'm in a
g*ng of one *

* Stuck in this
Chair i can't
Have much fun *

* But with a mike
And a beat *

* I could get out
Of this seat *

* And then all of
Rap music *

* Can hear

* I could rap about this
I could rap about that *

[ Announcer ]
Rap-- the musical !
the fun of rap

without all that rap.

* Well, i'm an old gold tooth
And i'll tell you the truth *

* I live in the
Mouth of my homey *

* Let's take it south *

[ Announcer ]
don't miss
Rap-- the musical !

you'll want to experience
the magic again and again !

open up your heart
and let the rap shine in !

and now, back to
the homage awards.

live from the ]
globo-chem arena,

we return to the 3rd
annual homage awards,

honoring excellence
in the field

of borrowing black culture.

[ Announcer #3 ]
ladies and gentlemen,
'nilla ice.

yeah, this is
the new me.

a'ight.

the nominees

for the most soulful
single performed
by a white duo is

Wanna freak you in
The a*s by r.U. Da 1 !

[ Audience applauding ]

a'ight.

yeah.

and ewww, girl, ewww
by three times one minus one.

a'ight.

yeah.

[ Audience applauding ]

a'ight.

and premium soulsonic
Megajive,

the love theme
from brutal enigma,

by 2 tru 4 u.

yeah, all right.

a'ight, a'ight.

and another one
from my boys

from three times
one minus one,

Ewww, girl, ewww, girl.

yeah.

[ Audience applauding ]

a'ight.

and the winner is...

man !

oh, my boys from t.T.O.M.O.
a'ight, yeah !

[ Audience applauding ]

it's like, i'm sayin',
i wanna give a shout
out to my main man, god.

As-salaam alaikum.

[ Audience laughing ]

and i wanna say to all my
black brothers out there--

keep pumpin' out the
rhymes, and we'll
keep re-pumpin' 'em.

pootie-t, let's
take 'em out !

A'ight.

* ewww

* ewww

damn.

* ewww, ewww,
ewww, ewww *

* ewww, ewww,
ewww, ewww *

* ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww

damn.

* ewww, ewww,
ewww, ewww *

damn.

* ewww, ewww

* ewww, ewww

damn, damn.

* ewww, ewww,
ewww *

damn, damn, damn.

* oh, ewww, ewww
ewww, ewww, ewww *

damn, damn,
damn, damn, damn.

* ewww, ewww, ewww
ewww, ewww *

damn, damn, damn.
* ewww, ewww, ewww

* ewww... *

[ Announcer ]
next, on hbo...

tonight, on hbo...

Creepy peeping
Videos 4.

hbo placed hundreds
of secret pinhole
cameras in people's homes

to catch them in
embarrassing private moments.

it's all against the law,
and it's all on hbo.

tonight, you'll see
actual video of
a nanny out of control.

a camera was placed
above the tv set

in this home,
and caught these
horrific scenes.

Ok, come
On in here.

We're gonna watch aunt helen's
Favorite show now. Come on.

Let's go.

Sit down,
We're gonna watch
One of my stories.

I don't wanna
Watch soap operas,

The game's on.

Sit down !
Hey !

Jesus !
Look, lady--

Shh, it's
Starting
Right now.

I don't wanna watch
The soap opera !

Did you hear
What i said ?
Did you ?

Did you hear
What i said ?

Those are
My fries !

Now you don't
Get anything !

[ Crying ]

Shut up !

[ Audience laughing ]

Hey, i found
My balloon.

Ahhh !

You popped
My balloon !

Oh !

Don't tell me
What i have to--

Ow, they're
Too tight !

What did i
Say to you ?

What did i
Say to you ?

Too tight !

[ Crying ]

[ Audience laughing ]

You hear me ?

You gonna behave ?

Are you
Gonna behave ?

Are you
Gonna behave ?

Oh, i can't
Believe it.

I can't leave you
Alone for a minute.

You're getting
In the bath.

Come on !

You're getting in the
Bath, and there'll be
No bubbles, not a one !

[ Announcer ]
Creepy peeping videos 4,

only on hbo.

we're naughty.

[ Audience applauding ]