- Blue Ribbon Content presents
"Batman: The Audio Adventures."
[radio static]
- And now a message
from Gotham City Mayor
Hamilton Hill.
[bottle clinks]
- ♪ I've got the valentine ♪
♪ Sweet Gotham valentine ♪
How do, Gotham City?
Happy Valentine's Day!
[chuckles]
So let's see, I guess
we're saying--
let me see.
[paper rustles]
Where is it--oh, okay.
We got an official
boil water advisory
for the entire city of Gotham.
The boil water advisory
is due to a water main break?
Wha--water main break?
[snorts, laughing]
Yeah, that's flimsy.
You know, come on, guys.
That just makes me
look unimaginative,
you know, like I'm a bad liar.
I'm a good liar, okay?
But whatever, okay.
Water, boil water advisory
'cause of a water main break.
Can you hear that out there?
I'm winking.
You know, it's very quiet.
It's making a noise.
I can hear it, but--
a water main break, wink,
affecting the greater
Gotham area, wink,
not the t*rror1st clown that's
been threatening us for a week,
wink!
Hey, that's just in case
you can't hear it,
but, yeah, you know, it's
just a little "squitch" noise,
like a "squitch."
Might be too quiet.
I don't know how sensitive
this microphone is.
Here, can you hear?
Can you hear it?
Hear that?
No?
Eh, sue me, so--
[groans]
In an abundance of caution,
we advise citizens
to boil their own water
before they use, uh,
or, or, or!
Going off the page here,
here's another idea-r.
[popcorn popping]
You could...you could, no,
you know, not drink
[hiccups]
not drink the water.
So you know,
I haven't had a drink of water
in three days
juuust to be on the safe side.
[chuckles]
I got the announcement
a little earlier
than you folks,
but anyway, remember...
[bottle clinks]
Always neat, folks, no rocks.
[pouring liquid]
Okay? You can't trust the ice
these days either.
But I, you know,
I think the water in general
might be...bogus.
So I can report that no
[hiccups]
[chuckles]
no ill effects are happening
right now after doing without.
[microwave beeping]
Quite the opposite, in fact.
So, uh...
[groans]
Except I'd give my left cheek
for some pierogis right now.
Hey!
Hey, who wants some pierogies?
You know, maybe we call down
to Dagmar's Diner
for a big ol' mess
of pierog--no!
No, no, no, no, no, no,
you need to stop drink--
[static]
[smooth music]
- Gotham, the city of yesterday
as eternal now.
Join us for a tale of "Life
and Death in Gotham City."
February 14th, Valentine's Day.
The Joker is ready
to make a murderous comeback
with a sinister
new t*rror1st spectacular
he calls Dark Purple Dawn.
But threatening to upstage
the big event is Catwoman
who has learned
of the Joker's whereabouts
and rushes to warn the Batman.
- Batman, come in.
Damn it,
how can I have no bars?
- Meanwhile, another somewhat
lesser celebrity criminal...
[knocking]
is beside himself with rage
and envy.
He pounds insistently
on the door
of the dilapidated funhouse.
[knocking]
Having lately hauled himself
out of the Gotham river
at Amusement Mile, the Riddler
is damp and miserable.
[knocking]
He has many reasons
for his raging snit,
not least a close scrape
with GCPD SWAT
and an unseasonable swim
across Gotham Harbor
after diving off the deck
of a foundered ocean liner,
but at present,
his ire is focused
on the master of this house...
[door creaks open]
Who suddenly is standing
in the doorway
wearing a purple bathrobe
and a bone-tired smile.
- Okay, Joker.
- Ugh, you.
What do you--
- Riddle me this.
- Oh, brother,
why are you yelling?
- You pick me out
from the crowd
and give me a problem to solve.
I scratch my head,
and the solution comes to me
in a flash!
What am I, huh?
What am I, huh?
- [sighing] Uh, what?
- [groans]
You pick me out from the--
- No, gah, I heard you.
I just--listen, can we-can we
just do this another time?
Big day today,
and I got eggs on the stove.
- [chuckling] Do you even know
what a riddle is?
- Okay, come on in, I guess.
- Of course you don't.
It's all about jokes to you.
A riddle, a riddle
is a dishonest truth.
A riddle is
deceitful sincerity.
Can you even comprehend
the elegance
of this paradox?
Fundamentally, a riddle is
a crime committed
upon an idea, ha!
- Hold on, hold on,
this is news to me.
I gotta process this.
Are you telling me bowler hats
are back in, Eddie?
- Oh, you--
- I don't think they are.
- You are a vulgar hack!
- Still, at least
you're wearing clothes.
Eh, that green bodysuit
with the question marks
from last year?
We get it, Ed,
you have a gym membership.
- Why doesn't anyone see
that I'm better than you?
- I...I don't know, Ed.
You're a hell
of an entertainer, it's true.
But we ain't exactly living
in lean times
for entertainment options,
savvy?
- No, I'm an artist!
Art is eternal!
- Well, people aren't.
I remind them of that,
and they're grateful I guess.
Maybe it's that simple.
- Blech!
Twaddle, lame-o!
- Listen, if you're staying,
find a seat where you can.
Sorry about all the boxes.
Lived here six months,
still haven't unpacked.
- Oh, I'll sit.
I'm not going anywhere
until you answer my riddle.
Ah, you're stumped, aren't you?
Admit it, admit it.
- Oh, boy.
What was it again?
- [sighing irritably]
You pick me out from the crowd
and give me a problem to solve.
I scratch my head,
and the solution comes to me
in a flash.
What am I?
- Okay, okay, uncle.
Let's see.
You pick me out
from the ba-ba-ba-ba...
I'm no good at this.
You know who is?
Milt, I think
we should ask Milt.
- What, what Milt?
Milt?
Who's-who's-who's Milt?
- Hey, Milt.
That box you're sitting on,
Eddie,
would you get up for a second?
- What?
- [muffled]
Coming, Mr. Joker.
- Suddenly, there is a stirring
inside the packing crate
upon which the Riddler
is sitting.
- Wha--[yelps]
- He leaps off
as a balding and rumpled man
in a brown suit
emerges from the box.
- Hi-h*, Mr. Joker.
- Good night!
- The man c*ck
a dull gray p*stol.
- Get ready to die, little man.
- What--huh?
- Hey, whoa, easy there, Milt,
easy, yeesh.
Eddie, that's Milt.
Milt, that's Eddie.
- [stammering]
How long has he been--
- Is it finally my turn,
Mr. Joker?
- Didn't I say just be patient,
Milty old boy?
[muffled chatter]
- Dear, sweet faith,
do all these crates...
- As the Riddler looks
around him wildly,
can he hear breathing,
coughing,
murmuring in the many similar
crates all around him?
His exceptional mind reels.
- Could you hear the riddle
in there, Milt?
- Oh, yes, Mr. Joker.
You pick me out from the crowd
and give me a problem to solve.
I scratch my head,
and the solution comes to me
in a flash.
- What on God's greenest--
- The answer is a matchstick.
- Milt says it's a matchstick.
Is that right?
I don't get it.
Oh.
[chuckling] I get it.
I don't like it.
- Who is this man?
- Who, Milt?
I don't know.
Some accountant, I think.
Doesn't matter.
Point is, he didn't see
where he fit, you know?
Where he plugged
into the old switchboard.
He had the setup
but not the punchline.
People like him, they find me,
and together we have a laugh.
- What are they all doing
in there?
- Right now, not a whole heck
of a lot, honestly.
Waiting for instructions,
but don't worry.
I'll find something
for all of them to do
today, next week, someday.
[muffled sneezing, chatter]
It's just like
your matchstick gag, Eddie.
I pick 'em out of the crowd,
and I give them problems
to solve,
but first I scratch
their heads.
I scratch 'em good.
I scratch the itch
they didn't know they had.
Do you know how good
that feels?
- Now do I sh**t him,
Mr. Joker?
- You wouldn't--
- No, of course we wouldn't,
Milt.
Don't you know who that is?
That's the artist of crime.
Let's show you out, Eddie.
[carnival music]
Big, big day today.
It's Valentine's Day.
- Riddler blinks erratically
as he tries
to compute
this bewildering new data.
- This, um, what you're doing
here, I've never--
- Thanks for stopping by, Ed.
Go dry off somewhere, okay?
- This--this isn't crime.
This is art.
- Listen, Eddie.
You're talented.
You don't deserve the names
people call you.
- What do people call me?
- But these are crazy times
we're living through.
It's tough to hear,
but maybe it's time
to think about whether your act
is still relevant.
Does Gotham City really need
a Riddler right now?
- Yeah, yeah, think,
I-I gotta think.
I-I just gotta think.
- Okay, now,
thanks for dropping in.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Oh, oh, don't drink the water
at all later today.
The boil water thing
won't save anyone.
[whispering]
Shh, top secret.
Keep that one
under your, uh, bowler hat.
[door shuts]
[mysterious music]
- The Riddler, suddenly alone
in the Gotham gloom,
staggers away to find
a quiet place to think.
The subjects
of his plaintive reflection
will include,
but are not limited to,
art, philosophy, and existence
as they impact "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[ominous music]
[line trilling]
- Thank you for calling
Arkham Asylum
for the Criminally Insane,
celebrating 150 years
of quality mental care.
It has been--four--days since
our last disciplinary lockdown.
If this is a generalized
psychiatric emergency,
press one.
If you think you are being
mind-controlled by the Batman,
press two.
If you think you are
the Batman, press three.
For all other--
[beep]
If you know
your party's extension--
[buttons beeping]
- Hi, please leave a message
for Dr. Jeremiah Arkham,
and remember, a healthy mind
is an asylum you take with you.
[beep]
- Dr. Arkham,
this is the Riddler.
I wish to negotiate the terms
of my surrender.
I'm not...
[dejectedly]
I'm not having fun anymore.
I will peacefully
submit myself anew
to your quackish ministrations
in exchange
for no less than the following:
Item the first,
a library of the classics
in the original Latin and Greek
tastefully bound.
Next, a subscription to
the "Gotham Review of Books."
You'll provide macrobiotic
options in the cafeteria,
a television set tuned
to Gotham City One,
and a live chamber orchestra
outside my cell
every Friday evening
with strict instructions
to play no Berlioz.
These are the only terms
I will accept, and further--
- Please insert 10¢ for
an additional three minutes.
- Okay, wait, wait,
okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Please insert 10¢ for
an additional three minutes.
- Okay, I heard you the first--
I don't have it.
Fine, listen, I'm broke,
and I'm broke,
and Batman said I could have
a deck of cards!
- Please insert 10¢ for
an additional three minutes.
- He can't take that back!
He can't take it back.
He said it.
He's a cop.
So I'll turn myself in
for a deck of cards!
Just let me come home please,
Dr. Arkham.
This town, this town,
you have to be crazy
to ever leave
the insane asylum.
[mumbling incoherently]
[wailing]
- Thank you
for using Gotham Bell.
Goodbye.
[line disconnects]
[radio static]
- ♪ In the dark purple dawn ♪
♪ When the sil-- ♪
[radio static]
[soft music to tune
of "Dark Purple Dawn"]
♪ ♪
[radio static]
[guitar music to tune
of "Dark Purple Dawn"]
♪ ♪
[radio static]
[jubilant piano music to tune
of "Dark Purple Dawn"]
♪ ♪
[radio static]
[line trilling]
- Hi-de-h*,
you've reached Helen and Stan.
Say hi, Stan.
No, it's just a message.
Say h--
All right, okay, Stan says hi.
Anyway, leave a message
at the beep.
[beep]
- Hey, Stan, it's me.
I'm still on the bus,
but I'm almost in--
- Folks, we're about 14 miles
from Gotham City,
and that's our final stop.
- [laughs]
Yeah, I guess you heard that.
All right, well,
bus ride was great.
Made a friend,
young gal from Central City,
starting a new life in Gotham.
Ah! Now, say hi to Stan,
Central City.
Just say hi.
It's just a message.
Just say--
No, all right, okay, all right.
Well, Central City says hi,
Stan.
She's coming to town
to start a new job.
What is it, honey?
You're a nurse, right?
No? No, all right,
well, what's the difference?
Anyway, so excited
to finally see Gotham City!
Ah, I wish you were here,
honey pie, but don't worry.
I'll take lots of pictures,
and if I see one of those crazy
Gotham super crimes
you like to ready about
in the--ahh!
[tires squealing,
brakes screech]
Stan, the bus
almost rolled over,
we stopped so fast.
[sirens wailing, radio chatter]
Stan, Stan, you won't believe
what I'm seeing right now.
It's a road block
in the middle of the street.
There's a grown man
in a diaper!
Stan, he's sh**ting arrows
at people willy-nilly!
Oh, Stan, you'd love it!
[camera clicking]
Don't worry,
I'm getting lots of pictures.
[horn honking]
Listen!
This enormous man is standing
on top of a garbage truck
that's blocking the road,
and he's firing arrows
everywhere
with a little tiny bow!
And people outside are
diving behind cars, and,
Stan, he's naked as a jaybird
except for little angel wings.
And he got--what is that,
Central City?
Oh, Central City says he's
supposed to be Cupid!
I get it, today is Valen--
[radio chatter]
[gasps] Oh, Stan,
the cops are here.
Oh, God, they're coming
onboard the bus.
Talk about a wild town, Stan.
This cop has green hair!
What, Central City?
What do you mean--you don't
think that's a cop?
[g*nshots and screaming]
Oh, my God, what is going on?
Oh, my God, Stan!
Stan, it's him! Oh!
- [over loudspeaker] Hello,
all you beautiful
out-of-towners!
I love out-of-towners.
They're some
of my favorite...towners.
What a day you picked to come
to our fair Gotham City,
Valentine's Day.
[people sobbing]
Well, my name is the Joker,
and I got a basket full
of Valentines
for you lucky people today.
This is just like school
where everybody gets one,
even the smelly kid.
Good news for you, sir, right?
Yeah, it's that cologne, sir.
How does the warning label
on the bottle read exactly?
Anything about, "Use only
in a well-ventilated area"?
Is there a prominent skull
and crossbones, by any chance?
[helicopter whirring]
I kid the guy, but he reeks,
and it's from alcoholism.
So what exactly does
this Valentine's Day edition
of the welcome wagon have
for you good people today?
Charlie, my man, pass
the fruit basket over here.
Yummy-num,
let me pass out the goodies.
[loudspeaker squeaks off]
[distant screaming]
Would you like
some fresh fruit, ma'am?
- Oh, no--I don't want--not me.
- Those are kumquats
from Gotham's famous
Kumquat District.
Go ahead, take one.
- [crying] I don't want it.
I don't want it.
- Go on.
- Well, I mean,
if it's mandatory,
I guess I'll take this little--
[expl*si*n, people scream]
Ah! Oh, my God!
- Oh, yes, that was a gag.
She found the exploding
kumquat, and yes,
it blew her hand off,
but joke over.
Let's get serious
about this fruit.
[people begging]
It is fresh and delicious.
Go ahead, take a kumquat, sir.
- Oh, my God.
- They're very good.
Famous Gotham Kumquat District.
Oh, don't be a scaredy.
Choose any one you--
[expl*si*n, person screams]
Yes, okay, yes,
that one blew up, too.
Oh, boy, I got a lot more
kumquats to pass out,
and my credibility is shot now,
isn't it?
Okay, busted.
Most of the kumquats explode.
I swear it wasn't the plan.
I really did just have
one exploding kumquat
in there at first,
but then I figured
two would be pretty funny.
Then of course, everyone knows
comedy works in threes.
Before you know it,
I'm sitting on a classic
overkill situation.
The smelly guy knows what
I'm talking about, right,
you human puddle
of rock-bottom?
By the way, we don't have
a Kumquat District in Gotham.
I knew that was not a buy,
but I couldn't resist.
For a hack like me,
a funny word like kumquat
is such a low-hanging fruit.
[chuckles]
See what I did there?
But seriously, if I'm honest,
top to bottom regrets
on this whole fruit basket bit.
One exploding banana would've
sold the gag, Joker,
you mug, but you got greedy!
Anywho, I'm not worried
about winning you back, folks,
'cause that ain't even
the warm-up act.
Charlie, music!
[upbeat music plays]
You're all VIP guests
at the premiere performance
of my new romantic comedy.
It's called "Dark Purple Dawn,"
and folks,
I promise you will split
your sides laughing.
And if you don't,
then I will personally
split them for ya.
That's the Joker guarantee.
- Stan, you have to call
the cops, the real cops.
I-I'm--
- No.
No, I'm sorry, please.
Silence all cell phones
during the performance, toots.
It's called upholding
the social contract.
Give me that.
Hello, Floyd.
Yeah, Aunt Bee can't talk
right now.
She's canning peaches
with Goober.
I know how that sounds,
but keep your mind
out of the gutter.
This is a family show.
Tell your friends about it.
In this one, everybody falls
in love in the end.
[laughs maniacally]
[news theme music]
- ♪ Gotham City One ♪
- Good evening, Gothamites.
This is Jack Ryder
live for Gotham City One.
As evening approaches
on this Valentine's Day,
the city is beset by anxiety
over the Joker's vague threats
of an event he's calling
Dark Purple Dawn.
The GCPD has refused
to speculate
on what Dark Purple Dawn is,
but urged the public
to remain calm,
go about their business
normally,
and have on hand
three weeks' worth
of potable water
and canned food.
Just a moment ago, I was able
to reach Commissioner Gordon,
and he had this to say.
[beep]
- Please, please, please,
make way.
- Commissioner!
The Joker has been
taunting the city for days.
How serious is the threat?
- How serious?
Joker serious.
Now, no further comment
at this time.
[beep]
- Incredibly, there are
Gothamites who are not hiding
in their homes tonight,
Gotham's young people.
A growing crowd of teenage
Joker fans are gathering
near the derelict funfair
at Amusement Mile
in eager expectation
of a personalized valentine
from the clown prince of crime.
Um, yes, excuse me, Jack Ryder,
Gotham City One.
Are you actually out here
in support of the Joker?
- Yeah, man.
Joker's cool, man.
- He's just living his truth.
- Yeah, well, o--well,
the truth is,
he's a mass m*rder*r
and a malignant psychopath.
- I know, right?
Poor guy.
Well, you can thank
the Batpig for that.
- Yeah, like, I heard Joker
was just some basic crook
before Batman pitched him
into the crazy juice.
- Yeah, man, if the Joker's
a little cracked, man,
it's the Batman who dropped him
on the concrete, man.
Don't hassle the Joker!
- You think arresting the Joker
for m*rder is hassling him?
- Like, you squares
can't even handle Joker, man.
You have such
predictable lives.
You're just a monkey
in the zoo, Jack Ryder.
- Joker is free,
corporate puppet man.
[crowd chatter]
[dark music]
- Joker is the unexpected, man.
I'm all about the unexpected,
Dad.
The unexpected is my bag, man.
Bring on the unexpect--ahh!
[tiger growls]
- Okay, heaven,
someone help this kid.
A tiger is eating his face off.
- Mickey, get the cam--
Folks, there are a pair
of tigers loose in the park.
Where-where did they--
it's pandemonium!
Stay tuned for more as it
develops on Gotham City One.
[smooth music]
- Gotham,
a thick cut of urban decay
sliced parallel to the bone.
Join us now for another tale
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
The Gotham elevated
train system,
a locomotive labyrinth
high above the city streets.
Catwoman is perched
upon the lead car
of a speeding uptown nine.
She is in the stunned aftermath
of her discoveries
at Ace Chemical,
but she still has wit
sufficient to try
to warn the dark knight
about the imminent danger.
- Batman, come in.
Damn it, where is he?
- Riding atop the thundering
electric carriages,
Catwoman can get
from Ace Chemical
to GCPD headquarters
in eight minutes flat,
assuming the routine track
fires in derailments.
But before she's covered
half the distance,
and urgent dispatch overheard
on police band radio.
- 2-Adam-1,
what's your exact 926?
- Tigers!
A pair of them running wild
down at the abandoned zoo!
Requesting permission
to use lethal force.
- Copy that, 2-Adam-1.
- Over my dead body.
- Catwoman suddenly leaps
to a train
traveling
the opposite direction,
and soon she is speeding
towards home.
As Downtown Nine
barrels around the corner
and through the shuttered
Zoological Park Station,
Catwoman is once again airborne
and in freefall,
landing with grace
in the midst of a crowd
seizing with panic and fear.
Her two giant pets
are running rampant
through the city streets.
- Dagger, Shank, stop it!
What has gotten into--ahh!
- But they pay no heed
to their mistress's voice.
They are crazed, inconsolable.
Primal terror flashes
in the deep jade
of their luminous eyes.
It soon becomes
sickeningly clear
why her friends suffer so.
[electricity crackles]
Fitted tightly around
their brawny necks are
heavy electroshock collars.
With a malicious crackle,
they sh**t excruciating voltage
through the terrified beasts.
Senseless with agony and rage,
the massive creatures lash out
at any who cross
their tortured path.
- Don't worry, darlings.
I'm here.
And whoever did this to you
will pay.
- [laughs] I do not think so,
chicky baby.
[blade slices]
- A shadow falls
athwart the scene.
It is pierced by a flash
of cold steel.
- I think I paid enough
already.
I come for a full refund.
[laughs]
- Standing over Catwoman with
his blasphemous blade held high
is the deranged husk
that once was King Scimitar.
His eyes blaze as the toxin
in his veins bloom
into a dark purple fog
in his brain.
- You think you are so
smarty-pants, kitty-cat, huh?
You think you leave me
with nothing?
Ha, no, you leave me
with only things,
fire burning in my belly
and swords singing in my hand.
What?
What, my queen?
Beautiful?
Yes, my precious love.
It finally is time
to cut the Cat.
[chuckles, grunts]
- King Scimitar lurches
at the object of his rage.
His mighty blade
gouges the asphalt
as Catwoman rolls clear
of the blow.
Her eyes narrow as she snarls.
- You gutter rat,
you hurt my cats.
You're gonna wish you left town
when that was an option.
- Oh, I do not think so.
You see,
I gonna be king again, Cat.
I gonna reign a thousand years
with my queen.
The gutless gonna grovel
while King Scimitar
gonna eat up all the fat, mmm.
When King Scimitar
carve up the carcass,
milk and honey gonna flow
like foaming rivers
of blood in these streets.
- That barely makes sense,
and yet it's just
so disgusting.
[both grunt]
You made a big mistake,
you hateful moron.
- [grunts]
[blade slices]
- You could have done what you
wanted to me,
my hideout, my loot.
- [grunting]
- But you went after my girls.
And I am a very...
[blows landing]
freaking...serious...
cat person.
[grunts, blows landing]
- In truth,
the heavily intoxicated zealot
never stood a chance
against Catwoman's nimble fury.
With flashing paws and a series
of vicious kicks
to the midsection,
the malicious monarch
is disarmed,
and the dreadful weapon
clatters down a storm drain.
- No, my queen!
[exhaling]
No, my beloved!
You will not win, Cat!
- Come on, you sick maniac.
I already did.
You lose again.
You ain't got
your stupid sword.
You got nothing.
- You are wrong,
you wretched stray.
I have this.
[device beeping]
Yes, is remote
for shock collars.
Only this button is detonator.
- No!
- Indeed, Catwoman can now
see the collars
on her exhausted pets are armed
with heavy yield
cordite charges.
- I lose sword,
tigers lose heads!
King Scimitar wins.
- Catwoman doesn't see
a good option,
so she takes the only option.
- Please don't.
I'm begging you.
- The madman's face
explodes with mirth.
- [laughs]
You are begging me, yes!
Beg, beg your king, beg!
- Please don't do it.
They're innocent creatures.
They--
- Oh!
Deedly, deedly,
oh, dee-dee-dee-dee.
You see what I am doing?
I am making a tiny violin
with my fingers.
I'm so sad for you.
- Your majesty, King Scimitar,
take it out on me.
Don't hurt the--
- Oh, boo-hoo.
I play louder.
Dee-dee-dee-dee.
Dee, dee, dee, dee--twank!
Oh, look what you made me do.
I broke a string,
a tiny string on a tiny violin.
Now, where in this time
of night
am I going to find some fresh
cut gut, huh?
[cackles]
- But just as his thumb comes
down upon the detonator...
[wire whistling]
- Ahh!
- He's hauled feet-first
into the air
by means of a heavy cable.
The detonator falls harmlessly
to the pavement
as King Scimitar finds himself
dangling from a lamppost.
- Batman.
- Your tigers are going
to be fine, Catwoman.
I have just given them
a sedative.
You'll be able to remove
the collars
without further injury.
- Where have you been?
- Joker ambushed a busload
of tourists outside town.
He got away while
I was distracted with--
- You know what?
I don't care.
You've gotta get out of here.
- That's a fairly
immature response
to my assistance, Catwoman.
- No, you ridiculous man,
you have to get down
to the waterfront.
I was just on my way
to tell you.
Joker's working out
of an Ace lab by the cannery.
- What?
- There's apparently
a decommissioned
Ace Chemical lab.
- No, of course I know
about that facility,
but it's regularly serviced
by an Ace security subsidiary.
It shouldn't--
- There's more to the story.
It can wait.
Trust me, he's there.
- With a grim scowl that will
have to pass for gratitude,
the dark knight makes
to disappear
into the shifting shadows.
- Wait, I'll help.
- No, you won't.
You need to take care
of your tigers.
- Give me two minutes.
- I'm sorry, Catwoman.
I'd like to have you
by my side,
but I can't have civilians
interfering
with a law enforcement
operation.
- What? Do you really think
you can put up police tape,
and I'll stay
on the other side?
You used to be cool.
- There could be hundreds
of lives at stake, Catwoman.
I have a duty to the city,
an official duty,
and involving you would be
a dangerous dereliction of it.
Call it a night.
- What?
Now, did you just
"return to your homes" me?
I do not believe it.
- You can't walk the line
forever, Catwoman.
And I can't keep excusing
your unlawful activity.
Sooner or later,
you'll have to choose a side.
I hope you end up on mine,
not just because
it's the right thing to do,
but because you know
what will happen
if I decide I have
to come for you.
- Watch it, Batman.
You come for me,
and you're gonna see why
I hold my own in this town.
- Their gazes meet,
an irresistible force meeting
an immovable object,
that catastrophic collision
of quintessences
that gives birth to both love
and hate.
And without another word
between them,
Catwoman is alone.
- Well, maybe it's true
what they say,
staying friends never works.
[smooth music]
- Catwoman tends
to her grateful pets
as ideas for moving on
with her life
begin to take devious form.
After all, the jungle is
wherever the tiger takes it.
It's a common maxim
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
♪ ♪
[news theme music]
- ♪ Gotham City One ♪
- This is Jack Ryder
returning to you live
from Amusement Mile where
a pair of Bengal tigers
were successfully subdued by--
[static]
[jubilant music]
- [laughs]
We interrupt our regularly
scheduled program
to bring you a star-studded
Joker special!
- ♪ Love the Joker ♪
- I'm so freaking happy
right now.
♪ ♪
- Live from an abandoned
Ace Chemical facility
in the historic
Cannery District
on a catwalk high above
several gigantic bubbling vats
of toxic purple swill,
it's the red carpet coverage
at the world premiere
of "Dark Purple Dawn"!
- ♪ It's a red carpet show ♪
♪ Let's go yack
with some schmoes ♪
♪ It will help k*ll the time ♪
♪ 'Cause life is so very long ♪
♪ When you're dead inside ♪
- Good evening, Gotham City,
such a special night.
I'm Charlie Charliehorse
coming to you
from the all-star premiere
of the Joker's new spectacular,
"Dark Purple Dawn."
Let me tell you, folks,
it looks like someone
spilled the Milky Way
on the catwalk tonight
because the stars
are all over this dang joint.
[wind howling]
Well, here's the duke
of juke himself,
Mr. Stoveplate Sullivan.
Can we have a moment,
Stoveplate?
- What-what, me?
- Well, I don't see
any other dancehall legends
on this catwalk,
do I, Stoveplate?
- I told you on the bus,
my name is Herman Vanderford.
I don't know what any of this--
- So those are some snazzy
threads, Stoveplate.
Tell us, who are you
wearing tonight?
- What--I'm wearing the tuxedo
you made me put on at gunpoint.
Please, I just want
to cooperate.
- [chuckling] Well, then have
a great time tonight
and learn while you laugh.
That's all the Joker ever asks.
Well, who is this
just arriving?
It's none other than
the songstress of sadness,
Miss "Dark Purple Dawn"
herself, Violet Bump.
How are you tonight, Miss Vi?
[dark music]
- H-Helen, my name is Helen.
I have to call
my husband, S-Stan.
- Looking great, Miss Bump,
a vision in violet.
Who are you wearing tonight?
- I don't know.
This dress isn't mine,
and there's blood on it.
- Hold that thought,
Miss Violet,
because he has arrived.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
the françois true foe
of Batman's true foes.
He's your comic relief,
and he's here to relieve
himself all over you.
It's the man of the hour,
the Joker!
[applause track plays,
upbeat music]
- Well, good evening, Charlie.
Don't you look good
in a monkey suit.
- [chuckles]
Maybe so.
But it is no contest
who's got the flashiest
glad rags in the joint.
Mr. J, tell us,
who are you wearing tonight?
- Well, the suit is Hugo Voss,
the vest is Yves Saint Laurent,
and the shoes are
Dr. Carmichael.
He was a mediocre psychiatrist,
but let me tell you,
he's a fantastic pair
of loafers.
- Ha-ha, outstanding.
Now, "Dark Purple Dawn"
is something new for you.
- That's right, Charlie.
It's a love story.
- You're most known
for your work
in the neurotoxin genre.
Now, why change it up?
- Well, you know,
I've always loved the romance.
[waves lapping]
Boy meets girl.
The moment when infatuation
turns to yearning,
turns to homicidal obsession,
turns to restraining orders.
Plus, I don't care who you are.
Spritzing some ding-a-ling
with drugs that'll knock him
head over heels
in love with a car,
or a hamster,
or his wife's neighbor,
or whatever happens
to be on his mind
is classic screwball.
- Some are saying it might be
your finest work, Mr. J.
- Well, thanks, Charlie,
but let's not forget
what it's all about.
Sure, a lot of people
are gonna die tonight,
and that's fun.
[eerie delicate music]
But we can't let it
overshadow the real reason
we work in this crazy business.
We do it for the fans, eh?
Here's one now.
Hiya, toots!
- What are you doing?
Let go, you creep!
- What's your name, tomato?
- I'm Ms. Beeswax, Jackson,
as in none of yours.
- I--what?
Okay, that is rude.
But it is just stuffed
with personality,
so I'm gonna ask you
one more time.
What's your real name, blondie?
- Why should I tell you mine
if you won't tell me yours,
Mr. J--
- That's it.
I've had enough of you.
- Put me down! Put me--
- [grunts]
[people exclaim]
[heaving grunt]
- Ahh!
[splash]
- Boy, she sunk like a rock,
didn't she?
[people weeping]
You know,
there's always a protester
at these things these days.
Mm.
It's a depressing sign
of our times.
Well, that batch is ruined.
Drain vat three to filtration
and reclamation!
And don't let
Ms. Fussbudget's body
clog up the pipes.
The show must go on!
[crashes, people screaming]
Well, now it's a bash.
- Joker.
- Batman, you made it.
And you are way outside
our target demo,
so if we're reaching you,
then marketing is really--
[grunts]
[dramatic music]
[footsteps approaching]
- Boss, he's coming this way.
- Keep the camera steady,
Charlie.
This is all gold.
- Charliehorse.
- Boss, it's pretty clear
he wants me to stop filming.
- Stand tough, Charlie.
Think of my fans.
Hey, hey now, Bats!
Leave Charlie out of this!
That poor devil's just
two weeks from retirement.
He's got a full pen--
[blows landing]
Oh, boy. Oh.
[objects crashing]
Oh, my.
Oh, that's new.
Oh, dear, uh-oh.
Well, at least
spare the TV camera.
[TV static]
That thing wasn't ch--
Oh, do you have to--
[static]
[silence]
[suspenseful music]
- Gotham,
a nice place to visit,
but you wouldn't want
to die here.
Join us now as we reach
the final intersection point
of "Life and Death
in Gotham City."
High on the catwalk at
a defunct Ace Chemical factory,
two mortal enemies,
one immortal struggle.
Something about this scene
feels familiar.
- Let the hostages go, Joker,
and I'll send you back
to Arkham
with the use of your legs.
- Oh, you, just never mind
my legs, you masher.
Fresh.
[liquid bubbling]
- What's in the vats?
- Just a little something
to help get us all in the mood.
You in the mood for love,
caped crusader?
Of course you are.
Everybody is.
It's Valentine's Day!
Dance with me, Batman.
Do you remember our dance,
our dream?
[classical dance music]
Dance with me,
and maybe I don't flood
the city water supply
with psychotropic aphrodisiacs.
- We are not negotiating.
- Ugh, haven't you got
a romantic bone in your body?
Look at what I did.
I recreated our first date.
Don't you remember?
I wore a red hood,
and you...were overdressed,
but you made it work.
And that's not all you made
that night, is it?
You made me.
I was just a mixed-up crook
till you came along, gorgeous.
I remember the fall,
sinking into a vat
just like those down there,
the chemicals seeping
into my mind
and unwinding it like a ball
of dark purple yarn.
And then in a whiplash
of agony,
the whole mess hardened
like glue.
A million bugs
in my brain got trapped
in amber forever.
Can you know what
that feels like, Batman?
[ominous music]
- No, but neither can you.
- Excuse me?
Rude.
I think I know my own story.
- We'll see if you do.
It's time for the truth, Joker.
See, I've often marveled
at your madness.
It's majestic in its obscenity.
- Batman, you do notice.
- What created such
a diseased thing?
I had to know,
so after painstaking
trial and error,
I finally recreated
the exact mixture of chemicals
you fell into.
- Wait, you what?
- I replicated the conditions
that supposedly created you,
Joker,
and I got into the vat myself.
- You did what?
- I took the plunge,
too, Joker,
into the unique
chemical mixture
you fell into that night
to see what you see,
and the effect
on my sanity, Joker...
[dramatic music]
- No.
- Was nil.
- No!
- Zero, Joker.
The chemicals were caustic,
but there was absolutely
no psychotropic effect.
It did not touch my mind.
- That's a lie.
- It did not affect your mind
either, Joker.
Whatever fiend came out
of the vat that night
five years ago was exactly
the one that went in.
The Joker was just a change
of clothes.
- That's not--no.
We're not doing this.
This is my picture.
What's your angle?
- I didn't create you.
I was just an excuse for a hack
with stage fright
finally to try
an open mic night.
[music fades]
- Why are you saying this?
You're such a liar.
- You're a gimmick.
You had all the cruelty.
You had all
the malignant intentions,
all the sickness in your head
before the chemicals.
The only thing that fall
into the vat gave you
was an idea for a novelty act.
- No, no, no, no, no, no--
- That's not the origin story
of a criminal mastermind.
That's the origin story
of a costume.
- [laughs]
[ominous music]
I get it.
We got a heckler.
Well, here's the squelch,
chief.
I don't care what you say.
That screwy dip
pickled my coconut, Batman,
and it was your fault!
I'm your creation.
Everyone knows it.
- This is just not true, Joker.
This is the story
you insist on living.
It is not reality.
- Oh, now you want me to bring
reality into it,
Bat-man?
[chuckles]
- I still don't know who you
were before that night.
I may never know,
but I know this whole act
is flim-flam.
- Oh, wait.
Wait, wait,
is that--could that...
- Something terrible
is pulling and tearing
inside the Joker's
ravaged psyche.
It threatens to escape.
It is reality.
- You really believed it,
didn't you?
That it was the chemicals
that ruined your mind.
You have no way
to discern your fictions
from reality, do you?
- Stick to the script, Batman.
Do not t*rture me
with your talent show improv.
- That's how I'm going
to beat you.
You have a diabolical mind,
Joker,
but you're not exactly running
the show, are you?
You just work there.
- That's it, Batman.
I'm feeling absolutely
no chemistry
between us tonight,
so let's see what we can do
about that, huh?
[countdown beeping, expl*si*n]
- Ah!
- Suddenly, charges detonate
underneath the catwalk.
[catwalk metal creaks]
Before he can react,
Batman finds himself dangling
from the wrecked structure
mere feet above a purple
chemical maelstrom.
- [grunting]
- The Joker leers down
at his helpless adversary.
- You know, I didn't want it
to be this way, Batman.
But if I have
to make you love me,
I'm prepared to do that.
[grunting]
- Mercilessly,
the clown hammers
at the dark knight's knuckles
with a crowbar.
[crowbar thwacking]
- [groaning]
- Fall, fall, fall, Batman!
Fall in love again
for the very first time!
[siren wailing]
- [over loudspeaker]
Joker, this is GCPD!
The factory is surrounded!
- You are completely
k*lling the mood, fellas!
- You're done, Joker.
- I don't think so, Batman.
You may have stomped
all over my heart tonight,
but let me tell ya,
there are plenty of fish
in the sea,
and I'm gonna gut
every last one of them!
[cackles]
[countdown beeping, expl*si*n]
[glass shattering,
people scream]
[echoing]
- Stay calm, everyone.
[high-pitched ringing]
Don't panic!
Stay...
[high-pitched ringing
continues]
- "Life and Death
in Gotham City" epilogue.
- What's the sitrep,
Commissioner?
- Uh, no sign of the Joker.
He made a clean getaway.
And this factory will have
to be condemned for sure.
Well, at least
we contained his poison.
And thanks to you, incredibly,
none of the hostages
were hurt in the expl*si*n.
You averted a tragedy tonight,
Batman.
- I only postponed a tragedy as
long as the Joker is at large.
Is everyone from the bus
he hijacked accounted for then?
- Unfortunately, no.
Apparently, before you arrived,
the Joker ex*cuted
one of the hostages,
pitched her off the catwalk
into one of the vats.
- We have a witness--excuse me,
ma'am.
- Uh, my name is Helen.
- You said you, uh,
knew the victim?
- I sat next to her on the bus.
She was new in town.
I just--I called her
Central City
on account of she got
on the bus in Central City,
but I don't know anything
about her.
Maybe you can find out.
This is her pocketbook.
I looked in it.
Is that okay?
- Yeah, yeah, it's fine, ma'am.
- I just want to help.
Anyway, see for yourself.
Her name was
Dr. Harleen Quinzel.
[eerie dynamic music]
- Meanwhile, down
on the Gotham river embankment,
something emerges
from a drainage pipe
in a gush of purple waste.
- [high-pitched laughing]
[singsongy] Mr. J,
Mr. J.
[splashing softly]
Where is that beautiful man?
I've gotta find me
that beautiful,
[deep voice] beautiful
[normal voice] man!
[exhaling excitedly, laughing]
[suspenseful carnival music]
- "Life and Death
in Gotham City"
to be continued.
♪ ♪
- [reversed audio]
[reversed audio continues]
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
[upbeat music]
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