02x10 - The Catburglar

[bunniefuu]

Hey baby doll, listen and
listen good. It's Dan.

I want you to know,

I never meant for things
to go south so fast.

But, like an ice cream
cone at fat camp,

I never stood a chance.

Gotta be honest, I don't know
how this story's gonna end,

so I mind as well tell
you how it begins.

[dan coughs]
While I still can.

It was a perfect summer day.

The kind of day you want
to spend the night with.

Back then, I was just your
average John Q. nobody,

not a care in the world.

Hey! Stop spoiling
your appetite!

[knocking at the door]
Are you expecting someone?

What are YOU selling?

I'm not a saleswoman,
I'm your neighbor.

And just now, I came home to
find my cat, Poopsie STOLEN!

I'm very sorry to
hear that, Mrs...

Miss. O'Houlihan.
Honey O'Houlihan.

Nice to meet you. I'm Dan.

Speaking of me, why are
you telling me this?

I've seen you around the
neighborhood with your cat.

You two understand each other

like no human and
feline I've ever seen.

I'm begging for your help.

I've got nowhere
else to turn, see!

When I was a kid,
my mom dated a

claims investigator
for a month.

He used to make us all
call him Uncle Raymond.

It was weird.

Eh, at least he taught me a
thing or two about working

a crime scene.

Well, I know a crow bar's
handiwork when I see it.

What do you think happened?

They probably---

Oh, my! I'm so clumsy.

It's not your fault, just don't
stand so close to people.

Give me a moment, won't you?

Don't worry!

I've got everything
under control!

Alright, let's dramatize.

So, they break in...

Sorry, it's laundry day.
And this is the only--

I can explain.

Get out.

Way to go, Dan.

Mr. Mumbles!
Your favorite show!

And that's when I realized
another C-A-T had gone M-I-A.

CATBURGLAR!!!

My first move was to
call the coppers.

Sure they're worthless,
but so are pennies.

Doesn't mean I don't keep
'em in my back pocket.

Can you tell me
this Mr. Mumbles'

last known whereabouts?

She was here. Eating lunch.

Wait, I thought Mr.
Mumbles was some old guy.

Why would I care
about some old guy?

She's my cat.

Look buddy, I've got
six murders on my desk

I haven't even gotten to.
And one of them's my brother.

Good luck with your
little kitty problem.

A crime epidemic is
sweeping the neighborhood!

If you don't believe me, go
ask the lovely young woman

down the street who
also lost her cat.

Wait a minute. How lovely?

This was a swinging
bachelorette pad! I swear!

I knew I was wasting my time.

See, this is why we
don't trust people.

No one just disappears
like that.

Either Honey's involved or
she's in a lot of danger.

We need to do our
own police work.

I'll get the doughnuts.

Man, this show is weird.

I don't THINK Mr. Mumbles
has any enemies.

I mean, that aren't mice.

Dan, do you wear eye shadow?

Who wants to know?

Have you ever used
this wastebasket?

Definitely not.

Are you going
somewhere with this?

I think I found a clue.

We were high tailing it to
the mall to check out the

eye shadow lead, when we
hit our first road-block.

Hey, what's going on here?

A marathon?

What kind of idiot runs
26.2 miles for no reason?

Hey, there's Elise!

That's right, she's
running today.

Do you guys have
ANYTHING in common?

There's my little
workout warrior!

Chris! Hi!
Did you come to watch me win?

Uh--

Elise! I need a woman's brain.

Have you tried the morgue?

There's no time for sass.

Now!! All you women know
each other, right?

I'm looking for
Honey O'Houlihan.

She wears eye shadow.

Wow, I actually do
know this eye shadow.

It was called "Oyster
Belly Blue."

What do you mean "was?"

They discontinued
it in the 50's

but there is one salon where
you can still get it.

This is definitely the place.

Now what do we do?

WE don't do anything.

In this salad I'm the oil
and you're the vinegar.

And the oil does the talking.

Why are you talking like that?

This is how tough
guys talk, Chris.

Now follow my lead!

Uh-huh, uh-huh. OK!!

Uh, We'll get that
to you right away.

I need your help.

Ooh. We sell makeup,
not miracles.

Don't get smart
with me, wiseguy.

We both know you're selling
ill*gal eyeshadow here.

And if you don't tell me
where Honey O'Houlihan is--

Uh, Dan...

Can it, Chris.

I'm about to treat Hwan
to a knuckle sandwich.

With relish.

Oh, you want Hwan.
One moment...

HWAN!

Wait, what?

Hwan, this guy wants
to kick your butt.

And don't go to the police,

unless you hate your
knees for some reason.

Dan?

WHAT IS IT?!

She's staying at the Roosevelt.

She was staying at
the Roosevelt,

which meant she had more
dough than a chinese bakery.

There it is!

Good, but we still don't
know what room she's in.

I need these.
National Bird Watching Agency!

She's not in danger at all!
Which means...

...18...19...20!

Maybe we should let
the police handle--

Or your way.

Where. Is. My. Cat?!!

After I kicked down the door,

I demanded to know where
my better half was.

But, like Uncle
Raymond always said,

"not every question
has an answer."

He wasn't a very good
claims investigator.

Oh Dan, I was so frightened.

The second you left,
I got a call.

A man named "Frankie
the Poacher"

and he was watching me.

He said he saw me
get your help.

And if I got any more
of it, he'd k*ll me.

So I packed my things and left.

I'm sorry, I just didn't
know what else to do.

[honey crying]

Frankie the Poacher? Really?

He's the most notorious rare
pet dealer in the country.

Also, the most corrupt.

The plot thickens.

Oh Dan, we should
just drop this.

We can get new cats, maybe
even pick them out together?

New cats?

I don't know about you,

but that's my best friend
you're talking about.

Take us to Frankie!

It doesn't add up.

What does a rare pet dealer
want with poor Mr. Mumbles?

Well, I would guess
to sell her.

I mean, White-Tailed
Himalayan Switchbacks

are worth a lot of money.

White-tailed hima-what?

Himalayan Switchbacks.

Didn't you know?

Mr. Mumbles is a very rare
and expensive breed of cat.

Wow. I always knew
she was special.

I just assumed it was
'cause she can read.

That's them!

How do people become henchmen?

I mean do you have to be born
into it, or can anyone apply?

Follow him.

Let's see where this
squirrel hides his nuts.

While the case of the stolen
cat was wrapping up nicely,

another mystery had cropped up.
The case of the stolen heart.

Lactose intolerant?

Really? I'm gluten sensitive!

That's amazing!

There are so many foods
we both can't eat.

What kind of movies
do you like?

Well, depending on my mood--

Shut up! You were saying?

Chris, let's go investigate.

Investigate what?
It's a gas station.

Is it?

Or is it the entrance to a
secret underground cat prison?

Let's go, before they find us.

Please, did you
see those g*ons?

They couldn't find a monkey
at a banana convention.

That's funny.

The last banana convention I was
at was filthy with monkeys.

Tell 'em what we do to
guys who follow our boss.

sh**t. I know this one.

[slap]

We teach them a lesson!

Right. Lesson.

Let's start with a crash
course in anatomy.

[phone ringing]
Hello? Chris?

I told you not to eat pizza
you found on the bus.

What happened to you two?

Just making new friends.

Well, well, well. If it isn't
my two favorite punching bags.

Punch this!

That was just practice
for your spines.

Did you just k*ll him?

...I like that in a woman.

He's not dead, Dan.

These pearls are filled
with a powerful sedative.

A weak, single dame
like me needs SOME

way to protect herself, right?

You're right, dollface.
You're weak.

Which is why you're
waiting out here,

while Chris and I go in
and rescue our cats.

Maybe I should stay out
here and protect her.

No way. You're my human shield.

Oh, Dan, you're so brave.

I know baby.

Now tell me, what's your
Poopsie look like?

Dan, did you really have
to steal his trench coat?

Honey said it makes
me look dashing.

Bingo.

What's that awful smell?

Ugh! Phew. Ugh.

I Guess we know where
Poopsie gets her name.

Poopsie, there you are!

Any sign of Mr. Mumbles?

[alarm sounds]

What did you do?

Get out of here.

I'll make sure they
can't follow you.

Dan, what are you saying?!

At least one of us will get
to grow old with our cat.

Dan, no, you can't do this!

We can't keep running.

Not forever.

Oh, Dan.

WELL, Thanks for asking
what I wanted to do.

I see you boys learned nothing
from our first lecture.

Alright, let's get
this over with.

Frankie's g*ons may
have bruised our mugs,

but they couldn't
break our spirits.

That's not how brass
knuckles work.

I think they broke my spirit.

[frankie the poacher o.s.]
Well, well, well, if it isn't

Honey's little worker bees.

Do your worst, my
lips are sealed.

Not mine!

If you let me go, I'll
tell you anything!

Too bad there's
nothing I wanna hear.

She's at the Roosevelt.
Room 320.

Leave her alone!
It's just a cat!

Just a cat?

Oh, brother, you're
thicker than you look.

Poopsie's worth a cool million.

What?

You, however, are only
worth your weight in meat.

This is my friend, Mittens.

Mittens, this is dinner.

Enjoy getting acquainted.

Wait! Where's Mr. Mumbles?

Don't move!

He can't see us if
we don't move!

Well, I've been wrong before.

[phone ringing]

Hey Elise, it's me. Dan and
I are in a bit of a jam.

Since this might be my
last chance to say this,

I want you to know I have
always loved pirates.

Please make that the
theme of my funeral.

Love you, bye.

What is it with you and cats?

Let's go!

We gotta find them
before they find her.

Why can't we just call Honey
and warn her instead?

Because... I forgot
to get her number.

Hey Boss, looks like Mittens
might still be hungry.

Take care of it.

Wish me luck!

So the bee's got himself
a little stinger.

Do you think you can
handle it from here?

I have to leave right now
if I'm gonna catch Elise

winning the marathon.

Go on.

I just have one more
thing to take care of.

You crashed into the
vending machine...

I loved that vending machine.

Hey Frankie, Where's
Mr. Mumbles?

Who?

Don't play dumb.

I seriously have no idea
what you're talking about.

She's my cat.

You know,

the White Tailed Himalayan
Switchback you stole from me.

Buddy, a White Tailed Himalyan
switchback isn't a type of cat.

It's a type of rocking chair.
Man you're thick.

After that, I came home
and made this tape.

Because if Frankie the
Poacher didn't swipe you,

I know who did.

So, in case I don't come out
of this thing in one piece,

I just want to say goodbye.
Rent is due on the first.

Love, Dan.

Hi, Honey. I'm home.

Your plan worked like a charm.

You're the proud owner of a
million dollar's worth of

hairballs and Frankie's
locked up for life

unless the vending
machine pulls through.

Just give me Mr. Mumbles and
you'll never see me again.

Of course.

But just so you know, I do
want to see you again.

Yes, Dan, I used to steal
the occasional rare cat

and hock it on the
black market.

And sure, I forced you to
spill juice on me so I could

climb out my bathroom window
and take Mr. Mumbles

to guarantee you'd steal
my Poopsie for me.

But I swear, I swear,
she's my last score.

See? Because something
happened to me recently.

Something that made me
realize I don't need the

constant adrenaline rush that
comes with a life of crime.

That "something" was you.

You really mean that?

l

Your move, sugarpie.

Taxi!

[vfx ah!] BAM!

Elise, are you OK?

Just like last year...

It's sad, she was the
one that got away.

Then she was the one
that got trampled.

Yeah, I'm sorry you didn't
find your soulmate, Dan.

It's alright. At least
somebody did...