01x14 - A Perfidious Pieman Is Simon/Cool, Cruel Christmas Caper

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: The Adventures of Batman
with Robin, Boy Wonder.

Batman and Robin, Dynamic Duo
against crime and corruption...

...whose real identities
as millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne...

...and his young ward, d*ck Grayson...

...are known only to Alfred,
the faithful butler.

Ever alert, they respond swiftly
to a signal from the police.

And moments later, from the secret Batcave
deep beneath Wayne Manor...

...they roar out
to protect life, limb and property...

...as Batman and Robin,
caped crime fighters.

Batman and Robin,
scourge of Gotham City's kooky criminals:

The Joker, Clown Prince of Crime.

The Penguin,
pudgy purveyor of perfidy.

And the cool, cruel Mr. Freeze.

Watch out, villains,
here come Batman and Robin.

NARRATOR:
At the Gotham international air terminal...

...the Dynamic Duo escort an armored truck
to a security building...

...where 4 million Turkish coins
are deposited...

...prior to shipment back to Turkey.

BATMAN:
Safely inside. We can leave now.

NARRATOR: Inside, a secretary signs
a receipt for the Turkish piastres.

But wait, don't we know this young lady?

Of course. She's none other
than Simon's beautiful accomplice.

[RUSSIAN ACCENT]
Charlotte Russe. The shipment arrived.

Simon and I have the combination
to the vault. Hurry.

NARRATOR:
Elsewhere in Gotham City...

...Mother Goose's Pastry Park for kiddies
is preparing for its opening day.

And Police Commissioner Gordon's
daughter, librarian Barbara Gordon...

...at the request of the mayor,
checks authenticity of the exhibits.

BARBARA:
Delightful, Mother Goose. What's that?

MOTHER GOOSE:
Our refreshment stand.

The Pat-A-Cake Baker's House.

Come, I'll show you the kitchen.

BARBARA: Oh, no. Mother Goose,
those pastry chefs are criminals.

You don't say?

Yes. They work for--

Simon the Pieman!

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Simon says, "Tie her up."

Commissioner Gordon won't come near us
while we're holding his daughter.

Cookie, Simon says,
"You stay here and guard her...

...while we perform
Operation Turkish Delight."

Come, let's go.

Come back, you crumb-bums.

I didn't say, "Simon says."

Now Simon says, "To the bakery truck."

COOKIE:
Hey, what--?

NARRATOR:
A clever move.

And Barbara Gordon is free
to assume her secret identity...

...as the courageous female counterpart
of the Dynamic Duo...

...Batgirl.

Simon says, "sh**t the whipped cream.”

[BATCYCLE CRASHES]

SIMON:
Simon says, "Put her in the truck. Hurry."

Yes, commissioner?

She should have been back hours ago.
I'm terribly concerned.

The Mother Goose Pastry Park, eh?
We'll check it out, commissioner.

-Barbara Gordon is missing?
-Right, d*ck. To the Batmobile.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, at the airport,
the Pieman collects the dough...

...and makes a clean getaway
with 4 million piastres.

SIMON: Simon says,
"Lock her up in the castle tower."

[AS MOTHER GOOSE]
I assure you, Batman and Robin...

...Miss Gordon left this park hours ago.

-I see. Thank you, Mother Goose.
-Let's go, Bat--

As long as you're here...

...would you be kind enough
to pose for an advertising photo?

-The kiddies will love it.
BATMAN: Certainly.

SIMON: If you'll stand in front
of those wax figures, I'll snap the picture.

-Watch it, Robin. Simon's men.
-I dig.

SIMON:
Watch the birdie.

One, two, three.

[ALL GRUNTING]

BATMAN: So you wanna play pat-a-cake,
eh, baker man?

How's that for upside-down cake,
pie face?

Holy switcheroo, she's the Pieman.

BATGIRL:
Batman, Robin, help!

BATMAN:
It's Batgirl.

[MOOS]

BATMAN:
Now, aim it at the castle window.

Careful, Batgirl,
they are sharks in the moat.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Simon says, "Attack."

Here comes the baker's dozen.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[GASPS]

Robin needs help.

Try a little slow-motion potion. Ha!

Get them into the castle.

MAN: If those dynamite fuses touch
the candle flames...

...Robin will be eating angel's food cake.

[SIMON LAUGHS]

Robin be nimble, Robin be quick

Robin jump over the candlestick

Simon says, "Think fast, Batman."

A bell tower? But why--?

Uh-oh. Floor's moving.

Peas porridge cold
Peas porridge hot

You'll never grow old
Once you drop in the pot

BATMAN:
A trap.

Whew. Almost in the soup that time.
Now what?

Ha, ha! Brownie, Simon says:

"Show Batman a swinging time."

Can't stand this much longer.

Can't be a wallflower forever. Here goes.

Batgirl's running for help.

Simon says, "Give me an apple turnover."

[BELL TOLLING]

Simon says,
"Put her in Peter's pumpkin shell."

And there we'll keep her very well.

"Well." A brilliant suggestion.

We'll throw the pumpkin down the well...

...on the Jack and Jill hill.

BATMAN:
Those perfidious pie-rats.

If only I could--

NARRATOR: If only you could help her,
Batman, but you can't.

Nor can you help the Boy Wonder,
who is tiring fast.

Who is there now to save
the courageous crime crusaders?

Can it be that the Dynamic Duo
will finally be done in?

Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion
of this Bat-tale coming up next.

NARRATOR:
Sealed in a pumpkin shell...

...Batgirl is being carried up the hill
by the Pieman's pie-thons.

Meanwhile, in the King Cole Castle,
Robin is bobbing over lighted candles...

...to keep the dynamite sticks
from touching the flames.

And Batman,
the only person who can save them...

...is clinging to a bell clapper...

...to keep from falling
into a pot of peas porridge hot.

The bell rope.

-Batman coming down.
-Now to find Robin.

Batman, where were you?

BATMAN:
Oh, just hanging around.

Let's go. Batgirl's in trouble.

Simon says, "Drop it down the well."

Look, Simon, they escaped.

Grab that pumpkin.

Simon says--

Oh, no. Too late.

-Batgirl's in there.
ROBIN: It's heading toward the moat.

BATMAN: Grab it.
-Got it.

Thanks for a happy Halloween.

-Look.
BATMAN: The roof of the Pat-A-Cake House.

ROBIN:
Holy pie in the sky, it's a flying saucer.

We're going to the Batcave.

The Bat-computer will tell us
the next move Simon's likely to make.

Meanwhile, you stay out of trouble.

Hmm. I wonder if I can keep that in sight
until it comes down.

It's worth a try.

Just in time, Batman, sir. It's urgent.

Thank you, Alfred.
What is it, commissioner?

GORDON [OVER PHONE]:
Four million piastres stolen at the airport.

An inside job.

Must be Simon's work.
You heard from your daughter?

No, Batman.
Did you question Mother Goose?

Mother Goose, commissioner,
is a crooked man who walks a crooked mile.

Good grief. Then Barbara--

Don't worry, sir. We'll find her.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Simon's sky-pie
heads toward distant Nessel Cove.

That silly Batgirl, she's following us.

CHARLOTTE:
I'll tell Strudel to change course.

SIMON: No. We will land
at the powerhouse as planned...

...as soon as we get the signal...

...then set a trap for her.

Simon says,
"Everybody into the powerhouse.”

Wait, you fools.
You left the piastres in the sky-pie.

Sorry, boss, we forgot.

BATGIRL: "Piezoelectric Company."
Must be Simon's base of operations.

I'll climb the rear wall with my Batcups
and enter from the roof.

SIMON:
By gInger sn*p, isn't she clever?

Hoo. Looks like a crawly bug to me.

Strudel, Cookie,
Simon says, "Go up and get her."

-There she is.
-Oops. Company.

My Bat-compact.

My Bat-compact on the lens,
and presto, a Bat-signal.

Look, the Bat-signal coming
from Nessel Cove.

BATMAN:
Full speed ahead.

SIMON:
Very ingenious, Batgirl.

Simon! Um, nice roof you have here.

Brilliant way to lure your friends
into my trap. Thank you.

Take her away, boys.

Wait. He didn't say, "Simon says."

She's right.
Simon says, "Take her downstairs."

Batman, look, the Batcycle.

BATMAN: Hmm.
Obviously Batgirl sent up that sky signal.

Must be in trouble.

Holy piecrust,
there's Simon's flying pie on the water.

-It's also a boat.
-Yes, and it's moving out to sea...

...probably with Batgirl aboard.
Lower the cable.

-Follow me and have your Bat-mask ready.
-Check.

They're both in the pie.

SIMON:
Good. Now Simon will lock them in.

Now Simon sends the pie underwater
like a submarine.

And now full speed
toward the barrier reef.

Alone in the pie, the trapped Bat-rats...

...will be the only victims
of an underwater crash.

ROBIN: No one else aboard, Batman.
And we're sealed in.

BATMAN:
And heading toward a reef.

Find the torpedo room, Robin.
I'll contact Alfred on the Batcommunicator.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

Piezoelectricity is created...

...-by a tremendous pressure
on our crystal, Batgirl.

So this will be quite shocking. Ha, ha!

BATMAN:
Yes, Alfred. Where are you?

ALFRED [OVER RADIO]:
In the Batboat, sir, directly above you.

BATMAN: Good man.
Quick, Robin, into the torpedo tube.

CHARLOTTE: This will solve
your weight problem, my dear.

In two seconds, you will be--

[BEEPING STOPS]

-What happened?
-Why did it stop?

CHARLOTTE:
Look.

Your slow-motion potion
won't work this time, Simon.

Let's show them some fast motion,
Batman.

Simon says, "Attack."

Simon says, "Down the pole.”

BATMAN: You all right?
-A bit shaky.

I've been under a great deal of pressure.

SIMON:
That electric cable, our escape.

No, Simon, it is full of electricity.

Wrong. Our friend Batman pulled the plug.
Watch.

Holy cable cars, they're getting away.

Now they're due for a shock.

They would have to fall near a speedboat.

-Let's go after them in the Batcopter.
-No need.

Simple Simon has forgotten about
his underwater pie. Watch.

GORDON: Tell me, Simon,
where are those stolen Turkish piastres?

-No.
BATMAN: Over here, commissioner.

GORDON: He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plum

By the way,
have you heard from your daughter?

Yes. She phoned me to say she left
the kiddie park to attend a flower show.

I wish she'd get interested
in some physical sports.

She is so inactive.

NARRATOR: If's twilight
at the deserted Gotham Films Studios...

...as Catwoman and her wily wildcats
pussyfoot into a dark sound stage...

...where a film feature,
Tom Thumb in Toyland...

...has just been completed.

Toys. Big ones and little ones.

What are we gonna do with them,
Catwoman? Play games?

Precisely, Tabby.
We are going to play games...

...that will get the Dynamic Duo
out of my fur forever.

[CATWOMAN SNARLS]

NARRATOR:
Later that evening, in stately Wayne Manor...

...Bruce Wayne and d*ck Grayson are
developing their eye-hand coordination...

...in an exciting game of battley-winks.

Ah, I've just put the Riddler in jail.

Now let's see if I can do the same
with the Joker.

Ha, ha. Missed.
Now I'm going to put the Penguin in jail.

-Bruce, look, the Bat-signal.
-Come on, chum, to the Batcave.

I wonder what's up, Batman.

BATMAN:
We'll know soon enough, Robin.

CATWOMAN:
Batmobile coming.

Our fake sky signal has brought the bats
out of their belfry. Ha, ha!

Ready, cats.

[CATWOMAN LAUGHS THEN SNARLS]

Quickly, haul them into the truck.

Holy rat traps, a steel net.

Easy, chum.
We've been in tighter spots before.

Tabby, head for the Gotham Films Studio.

Tonight we cats are going to have
fine Bat-ting practice.

[CATWOMAN LAUGHS]

BATMAN:
Sit tight. I'm firing taillight laser beams.

Let her rip.

-That did it.
-Okay, hang on. We're smashing out of here.

Holy Houdini,
they don't even know we're out.

Exactly as planned, chum.
Now we'll cut them off up ahead.

Look, the Batmobile. But how?

CATWOMAN:
Rowr! Stop!

Okay, take that.

Oh! My aching jaw.

Stop caterwauling.

I'll take care of them with my Cat-nap gas.

Come on, let's take the Batmobile.

-Gas.
-Bat-gas masks, quick.

Bye-bye, Bat-rats.

Now, I know we'll meet again soon.

Holy hijack. It must've been Catwoman
who flashed the sky signal.

Yes, Robin.
To lure us out so she could capture us.

Come on. Let's take that truck
to police headquarters.

I've notified Gotham Films
that their truck has been found.

I must say, the official to whom I spoke
had a weird voice.

I have it on tape. Listen.

SQUEAKY VOICE [ON RECORDING]:
We'll send a man to pick it up in the morning.

-He sounds like a cartoon character.
-If I may borrow this...

...I'd like to run it through my equipment.

Of course, Batman. Be my guest.

This is helium gas.

Now I'll inhale it,
then watch what happens.

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE]
This is what helium does to a normal voice.

Holy chipmunks.
How long does the effect last?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Only a few seconds.

Now we'll run this tape
through the Bat-transcriber...

...and hear the voice in normal tones.

CATWOMAN [ON RECORDING]:
We'll send a man to pick it up in the morning.

That's no man. It's a woman.

-You bet. It's Catwoman.
-But why?

To make the police believe Gotham Studios
was the victim of theft.

So they'd never suspect
it's her base of operations.

Right. To the Batcopter.

My clever ploy may have fooled
Commissioner Gordon, Tabby...

...but the caped crime fighters
will certainly trace us here.

And when they do... Rowr!

-Look, the Batmobile.
-Proves we were right.

Come on, but carefully, Robin.

-Locked.
-That window up there is open.

Good. Stand back.

CATWOMAN:
Perfect. They're on the catwalk.

Power on.

-Trapped again.
-Steady, Robin.

Won't you join us?

[LAUGHS]

Let the cat games begin.

CATWOMAN:
Hang around, Caped Crusader...

...while we play pinball
with the Boy Wonder.

[CATWOMAN SNARLS]

As you bump into the posts, Robin,
they'll light up.

But this one is loaded with expl*sives.

Should you, perchance, hit it...

...the post won't light up, but you will.

[DINGING]

Watch out, Robin. Use body English.

Good show.
We'll return to this game later.

Now let's toy with Batman.

A giant toy propeller with sharp blades.
What fun.

Let it fly, cats.

Uh-oh. Time to swing.

[CATWOMAN SCREECHES]

TABBY:
Catch her!

Stop him!
Stop him, you fumbling felines!

-Thanks, Batman.
-Tomcats, behind you.

Can you top that?

As Superman would say:

ROBIN:
"Up, up, and away!"

BATMAN:
Well, well, what's your pleasure, Robin?

Bet I can roll a strike.

You may be a bowling champ,
but I used to be a basketball star.

He's Bat-happy.
What harm can he do with a basketball?

ROBIN: We were just beginning
to have a little fun.

Yes, Catwoman and her g*ng invited us
to play some games with them.

How nice.

But I know a game
they will probably all play...

...for a long time to come.

It's called Rockpile.

[BATMAN & ROBIN LAUGHING]

[SNARLS]