01x11 - Will the Real Robin Please Stand Up?/He Who Swipes the Ice, Goes to the Cooler

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: The Adventures of Batman
with Robin, Boy Wonder.

Batman and Robin, Dynamic Duo
against crime and corruption...

...whose real identities
as millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne...

...and his young ward, d*ck Grayson...

...are known only to Alfred,
the faithful butler.

Ever alert, they respond swiftly
to a signal from the police.

And moments later, from the secret Batcave
deep beneath Wayne Manor...

...they roar out
to protect life, limb and property...

...as Batman and Robin,
caped crime fighters.

Batman and Robin,
scourge of Gotham City's kooky criminals:

The Joker, Clown Prince of Crime.

The Penguin,
pudgy purveyor of perfidy.

And the cool, cruel Mr. Freeze.

Watch out, villains,
here come Batman and Robin.

NARRATOR: A series of bizarre happenings
occur in the world of sport.

At a track meet:

At the Gotham Country Club
Golf Tournament:

In the stands, millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his ward, d*ck Grayson...

...look at one another deeply concerned.

d*ck, this appears
to be the work of The Penguin.

But why sports events?

That's what we must find out. Come on.

All these items are made
by the Emperor Sporting Goods Company.

Emperor? Well, that figures.

It does? How?

What kind of bird
has an Emperor species?

Why, the penguin.

-Exactly.
-But what's he up to?

Let's run it through the Batcomputer
and see what we get.

NARRATOR:
At this moment, in The Penguin's nest...

...the feloniously fiendish Penguin
addresses his minions.

[LAUGHING]

We've got the Dynamic Duo
hooked now...

...and unless I miss my guess,
they will soon pay me a visit.

Here, Penguin?

No. Ha-ha-ha.

At the factory. Let's go prepare
to receive them-- Ha-ha-ha.

--Properly.

[DINGS]

Here we go. "A diamond-encrusted
all-around athlete's belt...

...worth a million dollars will be presented
to the new champion tomorrow."

A million.

-That must be what The Penguin's after.
-Undoubtedly.

To the Batmobile.

NARRATOR: A short while later,
at the Emperor Sporting Goods Company:

Now, my sporting birds-- Ha-ha-ha.

--Stand ready for the big game. Ha-ha-ha.

HENCHMAN 1: Sure.
HENCHMAN 2: Yeah.

Sorry, Penguin, the game's been called.

Ow!

Fly at them, birdbrains.

Duck, Robin.

ROBIN:
He's getting away.

-Head him off with your Batarang.
-Roger.

No! Go away!

Come along, Penguin. You can complain
to the police commissioner.

And so, knowing The Penguin was plotting
to filch the diamond championship belt...

But that's impossible, Batman.

That was just stolen from the safe
not 15 minutes ago.

[LAUGHING]

But the clues.
They all point to The Penguin.

Ha-ha-ha. Well, Caped Crusaders,
you finally flipped your lids.

Now I'm going to sue you
for as*ault and battery and false arrest.

"Penguin vows to put Batman and Robin
behind bars."

Is he kidding?
He had to be behind that heist.

Maybe. But the law says we must prove it.
Say, what's this?

"Attention, Batman.

Have you heard
it's raining cats and dogs?"

What's the gag, Bruce?

Just that, d*ck. An old joke.

"It's raining cats and dogs.
How do you know?

I just stepped into a poodle.”

Holy cornball.
Do you think that that's a message from...?

The Joker. Who else?

HENCHMAN:
Think Batman got the point, Joker?

Well, if he didn't yet, he will. Ha-ha-ha!

NARRATOR:
Within the next few hours...

...the same joke
was brought to the attention of Batman...

...in a variety of ways.

"I just stepped into a poodle.”

Same tired old joke.

And the message, Batman, was:

"Have you heard the one about
'It's raining cats and dogs'?"

Thank you, commissioner.

MAN [ON RADIO]: And this is your old
dog-faced joke-hound, Barry Beagle...

...sighing off with a Batman quote,
“Have you heard the one...?"

Poodle.
Poodles are performing dogs, right?

Right. Performing dogs.

The Joker's planning a circus caper.

Negative, Robin. No circus in town.

Look, what performer's name
is like a type of dog?

Barry Beagle, the cornball comic.

Yes. And hasn't he got
a Peruvian pearl collection...

-...worth a fortune?
-Check.

He must be the Joker's pigeon.

Let's grab the Joker
before he makes off with the pearls.

The Joker's last known hideout
according to the Batcomputer. Let's go.

So the Dynamic Duo has finally arrived...

...to call on the Joker.

Do drop in, gentlemen.

[LAUGHING]

Get him, my merry men. Ha-ha-ha!

Crime is no laughing matter, Joker.

Who's laughing now, eh, Joker?

You'll regret this, Dynamic Duo.

Let's go, Joker. Maybe you can make
Commissioner Gordon laugh.

We're charging the Joker
with plotting to steal...

...Barry Beagle's
Peruvian pearl collection.

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me, Batman.
Hello? Yes. What?

You're sure? Yes, of course.

We'll get on it right away.
That was comedian, Barry Beagle.

He has just been robbed
of his Peruvian pearl collection.

-Just now?
-Holy perfect alibi.

Ha-ha-ha!
Cowled Crusader, you are in big trouble.

He's right, Batman. I'm sorry.

[LAUGHS]

The Penguin and the Joker
turn the Dynamic Duo-- Ha-ha-ha!

--Into a Dopey Duet. Ha-ha-ha!

Gee whiz, Batman, how did we goof?

Forget it.
I know now what's been going on.

Batman, you have arrested two men
for crimes they couldn't have committed.

Oh, but I think they could and did,
commissioner.

And I'm going to prove it.

Come on, Robin.

NARRATOR:
What does Batman have in mind?

Can he prove that The Penguin
and the Joker...

...did commit those crimes?

We'll know in just a few minutes,
so stayed tuned.

NARRATOR: Now in the Batcave
beneath stately Wayne Manor...

...Batman reveals to Robin
how they were tricked by their archenemies.

You see, Robin, the whole thing is based
on each criminals' modus operandi...

...or method of operation.

Now, Penguin always used umbrellas,
right?

Right.
And the Joker always uses old jokes.

Right.
Now, suppose they switched styles, Robin.

Then we'd be chasing the wrong man
each time.

Correct, again, chum.
So they could each be guilty...

...but of the other villain's crime, right?

Holy switcheroo. How do we prove it?

I've got a plan. To the Batmobile.

[LAUGHING]

Here, old bird buddy.

Here is the diamond belt I stole for you.

And here is Buddy Beagle's
priceless Peruvian pearl collection...

...I stole for you.

[LAUGHING]

Beautiful.

Joker, my friend,
tune in the TV newscast.

I'd love to hear
how we baffled the Dynamic Duo.

Ha-ha-ha! You mean the Dopey Duet.

According to a report just handed me...

...the diamonds
and the stolen championship belt...

...are completely worthless.
Imitations.

So whoever stole it
got absolutely nothing for his trouble.

Can that be true?

[LAUGHING]

I guess it is. Ha-ha-ha!

By this time, those two villains
must be at each other's throat.

Yes. I hope we get to them
before they do each other in.

Let's go.

You stole the phony diamonds,
you smirking simpleton.

I want the pearls back.

That wasn't our bargain, birdbrain.

You wanted the belt. Ha-ha-ha!

I'll belt you, you white-faced weasel.

They're both there.
We'd better hurry before it's too late.

-Check.
-Have a squirt, squirt.

A squirt of tear gas. Ha-ha-ha!

Laugh, clown, laugh,
but don't mind if I cut in.

You waddling dum-dum.

I substituted a rubber knife for the real one
I know you keep in your umbrella. See?

[COUGHING]

Gas!

And I substituted your rubber knife
for one with poison gas in its handle...

...you punchy Punchinello.

ROBIN: Look, The Penguin's getting away.
-We'll get him later.

We'd better take the Joker to the hospital.

We were following you, Batman.

We'll take the crook to the hospital
for you.

Good thinking, citizen. Thank you.

And now let's go for The Penguin.

You're clock has run out, Penguin.
You're finished.

Time for just one more play, Batman...

...and the ball's in my court.

NARRATOR: Recovered from the effects
of the electric shock...

...Batman and Robin are each shackled
to a home plate in a batter's practice cage...

...while the perfidious Penguin loads ba*ls
into an automatic pitcher.

[LAUGHING]

I only stunned you to save you
for this exquisite moment, Dynamic Duo.

That batting cage behind you
is really electrical wiring.

Buried directly
under each home plate beneath you...

...is a ton of TNT
wired directly to the batting cage.

If you miss one ball thrown
by these automatic pitchers...

...it will make contact with the cage and,
bloo-ee!

[LAUGHING]

Your final strike out.

Holy base hit, what a scurvy stunt.

I always thought you were a foul ball,
Penguin.

PENGUIN:
A bat for Batman-- Ha-ha-ha!

--And one for the Boy Wonder.

Happy hitting.

Batters up.

Sooner or later, one of you will miss.

And in this game,
one strike and you're out.

Farewell. Ha-ha-ha!

Don't try for power. Just meet the ball.

Can't keep up much longer.

Holy fastball.

Robin, drive one into machine now.

Good hit. Now let's get out
of these shackles and go after Penguin.

[PHONE RINGS]

-For you, Batman.
-Thank you, commissioner.

[LAUGHING]

Thank you, Batman, for delivering me
to my own getaway ambulance.

Your ambulance, Joker?

Sure. Ha-ha-ha.

And have the fat little fellow
check that bag of pearls too. Ha-ha-ha!

Fakes! Phonies!

That rotten no-good crook tricked me.

The new superhighway construction site,
right, Batman?

You saw the red clay
on the ambulance tires too, Robin?

All mine! Ha-ha-ha!

What's that?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Go on. Make us laugh, Joker.

[LAUGHING]

Which one shall I pick?

Stand back. I'm going to release
the shovel flap with a Bat-grenade.

[GRUNTING]

[ROBIN LAUGHS]

Joker, you're a scream.

Congratulations, Dynamic Duo,
you did it again.

Thanks, commissioner. Did you fix
Joker and Penguin as I suggested?

Exactly, Batman. Come, I'll show you.

It's all The Penguin's fault.

I never wanna see
that bird-brained buzzard again.

That double-crossing, pitiful,
road-company Pagliacci. He did this to me.

Unfunny, witless, slapstick, bungling...

[ALL LAUGHING]

This has got to be the funniest comedy act
I've ever seen.

NARRATOR: Atop a penthouse terrace
in Gotham City...

...a large and g*y crowd
enjoys a charity bazaar.

As the piles of charity funds rise up...

...an amazing thing happens
at the wheel of fortune...

...where dolls are the prizes.

Moments later, in stately Wayne Manor...

[ALARM BUZZING]

Uh-oh! The Bat-signal.
Let's go. To the Batmobile.

GORDON:
It's Doll Man again, Batman.

Back in action,
bigger and worse than ever.

Hmm.

This doll is even more cunningly contrived
than Doll Man's previous creations.

GORDON: So is this groom doll which
pulled off a heist at a big wedding party.

If only we knew where his hideout is.

And how he makes them.
How he controls them.

NARRATOR: At this very moment,
in a secret underground lair...

...a large electronic map of Gotham City...

...Is being studied
by a sinister gnome-like man...

...the infamous Doll Man.

DOLL MAN: So my two little lovelies
are in the hands of the police.

Well, no matter.
They've done their work well.

And I have many more dolls
to create a crime wave...

...the likes of which Gotham City
has never seen.

Ha! The banker doll.

Just the model
for my next cunning caper.

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, in the Batcave...

These dolls are automated
and transistorized beyond belief, Robin.

But do they give us any clues, Batman?

Some. But we'll need more time.

Will you tell me where we're rushing?

Police have spotted a truck
circling Gotham Bank...

...with the same license plates
as the truck at the charity heist. DM-13-13.

Holy numerology. DM-13-13?

It's gotta stand for Doll Man
and double bad luck.

Look, Batman. It's Doll Man's g*ng
making a large withdrawal.

Dynamic Duo...

...one more step and this plastic charge
will close all our accounts.

Hold it, Robin.

-Hey.
-Let's get them, chum.

Look out, Robin.

Take off. Fast.

-Doll Man must be in that truck.
-To the Batmobile. Hurry.

Darn it, Batman. Doll Man got away.

Yes. He was ready for us this time.
But he's got to make a mistake sometime.

Those cursed guardians of Gotham
spoiled my banking career.

But they will not stop
my next Lilliputian lollapalooza.

[LAUGHING]

NARRATOR: The following day,
at the Gotham City Museum...

Dynamic Duo confer
with Commissioner Gordon.

GORDON:
This is the rare three-penny blue stamp...

...over a century old
and worth a million dollars.

That's just the kind of thing
Doll Man loves to collect.

Maybe we ought to keep an eye on it.

I'm with you, chum. Let's stake out here.

NARRATOR: That night,
after the museum doors are locked...

Okay, little man,
I'll take that special delivery.

It's the dead letter office for you,
short stuff.

You okay, Sir Batman?

Aye, Squire Robin.
Got a bit of a tummy ache, that's all.

Lucky we used these tin tuxedos
to hide in.

Yes, it saved my life
and thwarted Doll Man's caper neatly.

But what doll gambit will he try next?

Again, the Caped Crusaders
have defeated me.

Now I must stop them for good.

Here you are, folks. Dynamic Duo dolls.
Twenty-five cents each.

The commissioner had no late clues
on Doll Man's dastardly didos.

True. But I've got a funny feeling
some of his malicious marionettes...

-...are about to strike hard.
-Batman, look.

Batapult.

Holy booby traps, that was close.

Too close. Come on.
Let's check the Batmobile.

Robin, it's time we turned the tables
on our friend, the Doll Man.

Check, Batman. Let's do just that.

Scratch one, Batmobile.

My dolls!
I didn't program them to return.

BATMAN:
No, but we did, Doll Man.

DOLL MAN:
The Caped Crusaders.

I will destroy you
with my whole doll army.

-Spears to the right.
-Daggers to the left.

Only one way to go.

Up.

I have just begun to fight.

BATMAN:
Into the valley of fire.

We're surrounded, Batman.

BATMAN:
Head them off at the pass.

That wraps it, chum.

ROBIN:
Except for Doll Man.

Holy blown-apart, a life-sized doll.

[DOLL MAN LAUGHING]

ROBIN: You belong on the shelf, little man,
with the rest of the dolls.

But how did you find me?

I simply reversed your assassin doll's
programming circuits.

They marched back home, we followed.

I will have to build my little men better
next time.

You'll have plenty of time for that,
bright eyes, in your new workshop...

...at Gotham Jail.

[LAUGHING]