01x01 - My Crime is Your Crime/A Bird Out of Hand/Luthor's Lethal Laser/Forget Me Not, Superdog

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: The Adventures of Batman
with Robin, Boy Wonder.

Batman and Robin, Dynamic Duo
against crime and corruption...

...whose real identities
as millionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne...

...and his young ward, d*ck Grayson...

...are known only to Alfred,
the faithful butler.

Ever alert, they respond swiftly
to a signal from the police.

And moments later, from the secret Batcave
deep beneath Wayne Manor...

...they roar out
to protect life, limb and property...

...as Batman and Robin,
caped crime fighters.

Batman and Robin,
scourge of Gotham City's kooky criminals:

The Joker, Clown Prince of Crime.

The Penguin,
pudgy purveyor of perfidy.

And the cool, cruel Mr. Freeze.

Watch out, villains,
here come Batman and Robin.

NARRATOR:
While Gotham City sleeps...

...strange things are about to happen
at the RX Chemical Laboratory.

Hold it right there, buster.

The Joker.

[LAUGHS]

That's what I call a real gasser.

How are we gonna get inside, Joker?

Simple. We knock.

[JOKER LAUGHS]

NARRATOR: Top-secret document,
photographed by the Joker? Why?

Finished. Now I'll help myself to these.

HENCHMAN:
What for? Goldfish?

JOKER:
Hot goldfish, red herring.

NARRATOR:
Later, at the Gotham Planetarium...

JOKER:
Whee! Hee-hee-hee-hee!

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, in stately Wayne Manor...

[ALARM BEEPING]

Uh-oh. To the Batcave.

But the only things missing...

...were a few worthless items
from the souvenir case.

Hmm. First a few beakers
from the laboratory, now this.

Why would a criminal go to so much
trouble for a few trinkets, Batman?

GORDON:
See for yourself, Boy Wonder.

NARRATOR: Now at the Solar Dynamics
factory, dirty work is underfoot.

Enough. It'll give way any second now.

[LAUGHING]

Perfect. Just two more steps
and my master plan will be complete.

Now, let's see,
what shall I steal this time?

A wheelbarrow. Just the thing.

Let's see if the Dynamic Dum-dums
can figure this one out.

After all, that's the only thing they took...

...was a rusty old wheelbarrow.

Maybe the Joker's
just a penny-ante crook after all.

Don't you believe it, Robin.

He's onto something big. Come on.

Why do you think
the Joker's up to something big?

-The wheelbarrow.
-I don't get it.

There's an old story about a man who
was seen leaving a factory every night...

...pushing a wheelbarrow full of sawdust.

It was two weeks before someone realized
he was stealing wheelbarrows...

...not sawdust.

I still don't know what it means.

It means we've been
overlooking the obvious.

Those petty thefts were just cover-ups.

Red herrings. He's after something big,
all right, but what?

GORDON [OVER RADIO]:
Commissioner Gordon to Batman.

The Joker was seen near
the Gotham Industrial Labs. Hurry.

ROBIN: Gotham Industrial?
That's only a few blocks from here.

Look, the Joker's making a getaway.

Not if I can help it.

There's nobody in that car, Batman.

The Joker must be operating it
by remote control to block us off.

I think it's time we put this Sunday driver
out of commission, Robin.

ROBIN:
Check.

There goes the decoy car.

Have no fear,
the old Joker has another trick left.

The Bat and the Robin
have just cooked their goose.

[LAUGHS]

We almost had our hands on him
and now he's lost us.

BATMAN:
His remote control's still on. See?

Our radar is picking up the signal.

Then we can trail him to his hideout.

Right. Let's go.

In a short time, I'll have the power
to bring this city to its knees.

[LAUGHS]

And as icing on the cake...

...I've rid myself of the Caped Creep
and the Boy Blunder.

[LAUGHS]

-We're getting close.
-Naturally. Look where we are.

ROBIN: The Fairgrounds.
-Heading straight for the fun house.

I thought we got rid of them, Joker.

So did I.

But since they somehow managed
to jump out of the frying pan...

...I intend to make sure
they land in the fire.

[LAUGHS]

Batman, I can't move.

I'm paralyzed.

No, Robin. We're pinned to this slide
by a magnetic force.

JOKER [OVER PA]: How clever of you
to figure it out so quickly, Batman...

...not that it'll do you much good...

...because as you round the next turn
in the slide...

...you'll see what I've, uh,
cooked up for you.

[LAUGHS]

Holy smokes, Batman. Look.

Cool it, chum. We're not done for, yet.

Not yet, but in a moment,
you'll be well-done.

[JOKER LAUGHING OVER PA]

I'd like to stay to witness that...

...but I have one more job to pull...

...then I'm going to turn the heat
on all of Gotham City.

Farewell, Batman.

[LAUGHS]

NARRATOR: Is this indeed farewell
for the Dynamic Duo?

Is there any way they can escape
the magnetic belt ride...

...Into the roaring inferno?

Don't miss the exciting conclusion...

...coming up next.

NARRATOR: Trapped by the treacherous
Joker on a magnetized slide to doom...

...the future appears hopeless
for Batman and Robin.

But the caped crime fighters
don't give up easily.

Robin, get one hand free.

Turn power switch on belt full...

-...blow the fuses.
-Check.

-Ready.
-Now.

What happened?

The electrical shock
demagnetized the slide.

Took some of the life out of me too.

I think I know what the Joker is up to.

Back to the Batcave. Come on.

In a few seconds, the Batcomputer
will tell us what the connection is...

...between the two laboratories,
the factory, and the planetarium.

-And why the Joker raided them?
-Hopefully.

[BELL DINGS]

Here it comes.

And here's the answer.

I was right. All four are working on the
development of a giant solar mirror.

That's what the Joker was after.

But he never took anything except junk.

Wrong, chum.
He took something else. Photographs.

Ah. The last stage in the solar mirror...

...is the electronic detonator
at Power and Light Company.

What would a clown like the Joker
want with a solar mirror?

Are you kidding, Robin?

That thing turned on
can destroy a city, in hours.

Let's go.

NARRATOR: But maybe it's already too late,
because right now, strange events...

...are fast taking place
at the Gotham Power and Light Company.

[THUD]

Hey, what are you doing here?

[LAUGHS]

Now I'll give those guards outside
something to keep them occupied.

[JOKER LAUGHS]

Bully, now cart it to the roof,
chop-chop...

...while I summon the chopper.

[JOKER LAUGHS]

Oh, that was witty.

Hurry, boys. Hurry.

ROBIN:
Holy smoke, Batman. We're too late.

Maybe not.
Come on, Robin, let's check this out.

I'm afraid there's nothing anyone can do
to stop the Joker now, Batman.

Look, doctor, if I'm not mistaken...

...the operation of a solar mirror requires
an enormous complex of machinery, right?

Oh, yes, an entire plant geared
for highly-sensitive electronic equipment.

Now, where could the Joker
find such facilities?

The abandoned power house.

Just outside the town.

Yes, it's high enough
to receive the sun's rays perfectly.

That's it. Let's go.

Oh-h*-h*, what a magnificent day
this is going to be.

Within minutes, the sun will rise...

...and then there'll be a hot time
in the old town tonight.

[JOKER LAUGHS]

There it is. What are we waiting for?

We walked right into his trap
one time tonight, Robin.

This time, we'll use the Batejector.
Hang on.

There's the solar mirror, Robin.

ROBIN: That piece of glass
is what all this fuss is about?

That piece of glass
can radiate a laser beam a mile wide...

-...that will melt everything in its path.
-Gee whiz, let's break it up.

Get set for a swing-in, chum.

Now, the detonator is fully-charged.

In a few minutes, I'll pull that lever...

...and we'll make the Chicago Fire
look like a backyard cookout.

[LAUGHS]

BATMAN: Hate to be a wet blanket, Joker,
but your barbecue is canceled.

JOKER: Batman?
HENCHMAN: It can't be.

sh**t, you fool. sh**t.

But I might hit one of our guys, Joker.

Don't argue, sh**t.

You bungling idiot.

I'm getting out of here.

Don't go away mad.

Two's company, but this is ridiculous.

BATMAN:
All right, Joker...

...are you going to come along peacefully
or the hard way?

Don't be silly, old boy,
I'm not going anywhere.

But you are.

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

He activated the solar mirror.

[LAUGHING]

It's no use, Robin.

It's locked in the on position.

What do we do now?

Robin, we've got to get in
and find the nerve center of this monster.

Ready when you are, Batman.

Wait till I get the timing of those pistons.

Okay. Now.

There it is, Robin. The master electrodes.

How do we k*ll that?

We've got to reverse the polarity
of the electrodes...

...by hitting them simultaneously
with our Batarangs.

-Get ready.
-Ready.

Let fly.

[EXPLOSIONS AND RUMBLING]

Sounds like the whole place
is coming unglued.

It is. Let's get out. Fast.

Quickly, Robin, look.
You may never see this again.

Why me?

Why does it always happen to me?

I'm telling you, Bruce, it was that close.
If it hadn't been for Batman and Robin...

...shudder to think of what
might've happened to Gotham City.

Tell us all about it,
commissioner, please.

Yes, do, sir.

Sounds like a hot one.

NARRATOR: Returning from a charity ball,
Batman and Robin, in true identities...

...drive through Gotham Park,
when suddenly...

[TREE BRANCHES CRACKING]

Watch out, Bruce.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Well, if it ain't millionaire Bruce Wayne.

And his ward, d*ck Grayson.

What do you men want?

Can't you guess, moneybags?

[PENGUIN CHUCKLING]

You will not succeed this time,
my fine-feathered finks.

The Penguin.

-Take that...
-Unh!

...and that...

[th*gs GRUNTING AND YELLING]

...and that.

[CHUCKLES]

d*ck: They're finished.
BRUCE: Thanks to the Penguin.

But I don't get it.

Since when did you start
catching crooks?

Mr. Wayne, I am a reformed man...

...making amends for past misdeeds.

And what better way to do it
than by aiding the doves of law...

...against the hawks of crime.

[CHUCKLES]

That oily bird must be up to something.

Yes. But what?

To the nearest jail, if you please,
Mr. Wayne.

NARRATOR: A short while later,
in their crime-fighting costumes...

...the Dynamic Duo speeds
to Central Police Headquarters...

...where they hear a startling report
from Commissioner Gordon.

It's true, Batman.

-The Penguin has gone straight.
-Incredible.

Why, this past week alone,
he's aided my men three times.

Can you believe,
the Penguin on our side?

Let's wait and see, Robin.

I still don't trust
that mischievous magpie.

NARRATOR:
But in the days that follow...

Halt, you thieving vultures.

Don't sh**t, Penguin. We surrender.

A little oil should slow your flight.

[THIEVES YELL]

He's all yours, masked man hunters.

Thanks again, Penguin.

Well? What do you think now, Batman?

Somehow, I'm still not convinced.

But if the Penguin's pulling a hoax,
what's he really up to?

NARRATOR: The answer lies
in the Penguin's secret nest...

...outside Gotham City.

I don't get it, Penguin.

All those captured cons
are working for you?

Precisely. And each is carrying
a tiny chicken feather like this one.

Once inside Gotham Pen...

...they will spring
some of the world's greatest criminals...

...who will then join forces with me.

[CHUCKLES]

Boy, Penguin, you are a genius.

NARRATOR:
Meanwhile, in the secret Batcave...

...beneath stately Wayne Manor...

I sure hope the Batcomputer
can tell us something, Batman.

Fed statistics on all Penguin's captives...

...lit should give us some clue
to his real motive.

NARRATOR: Now, behind the grim walls
of Gotham Penitentiary...

...an inmate flashes a silent signal.

Time to move.

-The Penguin's feather.
-Yeah.

He said to snap off the point...

...and jam it in the lock.

You were right.
Those th*gs all have one thing in common.

Right. They're all jailbreak specialists.

So that's the Penguin's game.

Let's go, Robin, to Gotham Penitentiary.

[ALARM WAILING]

Move fast before the guards recover.

Hold it. Look up ahead. The Batmobile.

BATMAN:
Work fast, Robin.

[INMATES GRUNTING AND YELLING]

INMATE: Help!
-Here come the guards.

Batman, look,
one of them's getting away.

Good. He's the one who's going
to lead us to the Penguin's hideout.

You cuckoo bird.
How stupid do you think Batman is?

But I made sure he wasn't following me.

PENGUIN:
Sparrow head.

Who do you think planted
this radar transmitter on you?

[TRANSMITTER BEEPING]

The radar's picking up the impulses
from the transmitter, Batman.

BATMAN:
Excellent. That means we're zeroing in.

Everybody out.

I'll still have the last cackle on Batman.

[CHUCKLES]

[BEEPING]

ROBIN:
We're almost there.

-Reduce altitude and hover.
-Roger.

Odd. The place is empty.

[PENGUIN CHUCKLES]

You stepped right into my trap, Batman.

ROBIN:
Holy tight spot.

The Penguin's nest, it's closing.

The strands, solid steel,
can't budge them.

[PENGUIN CHUCKLES]

A deal, Batman.
Agree never to pursue me again...

...and I free you.

Otherwise, I leave you
to be crushed to death.

Robin, come down.

Blast strands with afterburners. Hurry.

Move back. Here I come.

PENGUIN:
What's the Boy Wonder up to?

The cross strands, they're melting.

Batman's free. We must get out of here.

Why are they passing over us?

Got to aim this Batarang just right.

PENGUIN:
Ah! A steel cable?

Ah! Let go.

Release me. This instant.

We'll have to find the Penguin
a new nest to feather.

Yeah, one with bars on it.

You'll pay for this, Batman.

Unhand me at once.

That's an order.