01x07 - Reading, Writing & Wronging

[bunniefuu]

[SIRENS BLARE]

[♪♪♪]

BATMAN: Greetings, Bat-fans.

This is Batman.

And Robin, the Boy Wonder.

And me too: Bat-Mite.

Welcoming you to The
New Adventures of Batman.

Watch us wage our
never-ending battle

of good versus evil.

ROBIN: Ride with
us as we chase

the greatest array of villains

the world has ever seen.

Proving that crime
does not pay.

BATMAN: Get set for
thrills and action.

Join me, Batman.

And me: Robin, the Boy Wonder.

And Batgirl.

And me too: Bat-Mite.

ROBIN: In the super
New Adventures of--

BATMAN: Batman.

[♪♪♪]

[SIREN WAILING]

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHS]

Students,

The Penguin's School of
Crime is now in session.

[LAUGHS]

And tonight's lesson is
a highly important one:

the classic jewelry heist.

But how do we get in, Penguin?

Elementary, my dear.

[LAUGHS]

With a woodpecker lock-picker.

[SQUAWKING]

You and you will stand guard.

Make certain the coast--

[LAUGHS]

Uh, campus is clear.

Yes, sir.

The rest of you watch closely.

[LAUGHING]

Open, sesame!

ALL: Wow!

But what about
the burglar alarm?

That, my sweet, is step two.

And there you have it, class.

[LAUGHS]

ALL: Yay!

Now we move on to
your final exam:

the ultimate crime.

What is the ultimate
crime, Penguin?

What else?

We capture Batman and Robin

once and for all.

Whoa!

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

[SQUAWKS]

[PENGUIN LAUGHING]

Feast your eyes, students,

for what you see here

is destined to become

the criminal's best friend

and Batman's worst enemy.

Uh, next to me, of course.

[LAUGHS]

But it's so small.

What can it do, Penguin?

[LAUGHS]

Not only can it
duplicate the Bat-signal,

but the commissioner's
voice as well.

[LAUGHS]

Please observe.

[BEEPING]

A flawless forgery
of the Bat-signal.

Penguin, it's perfect!

Yes, yes, yes.

Sometimes my brilliance
stuns even me.

[LAUGHS]

BRUCE: Not too much
off the top, d*ck.

Have I ever given you
a bad haircut, Bruce?

Not so far.

It's the Bat-signal.

Let's go.

Yes, commissioner.

COMMISSIONER'S VOICE:
Batman, we have evidence

the Penguin's planned
another big heist.

Get down to the harbor
as soon as you can.

BATMAN: We're on our
way, commissioner.

[LAUGHS]

They fell for it.

[♪♪♪]

Bat-Mite reporting.
Ready for action.

Yipes!

H-hold it.

BATMAN: Bat-mite.

What are you doing here?

Trying not to get
squished, Caped Crusader.

Holy delays, Bat-Mite.
You're holding us up.

You're-- You're telling me.

Okay, guys, I'm ready.

BATMAN: Not this
time, Bat-Mite.

It may be dangerous.

Wait a sec. If you think
I can't handle danger,

you're all wet.

Aw, Bat-baloney.

We have to make up
for lost time, Robin.

Hit the Bat-jets.

Right, Batman.

I'll show those
turkeys a thing or two.

BATCOMPUTER: Going
someplace, little guy?

Yipes!

Oh. Sorry, little guy.

You know I hate it
when you call me that.

Forgive me.

Are you going somewhere?

Yeah. Undercover.

I'm gonna catch The Penguin
before Batman and Robin do.

I'll show 'em. I'm not afraid.

Yipes!

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, go ahead. Yok it up.

But we'll see who has the last
laugh, you big box of bolts.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪]

ROBIN: Holy
chilly-willies, Batman.

This spooky place
is for the birds.

Ah, that's probably why
The Penguin chose this site

for his next rip-off, Robin.

And speaking of birds,

I think someone's
watching us like a hawk.

[PENGUIN LAUGHS]

Everything is going according
to my brilliant plan.

Now we'll stage a mock burglary,

and the Dynamic Dunces will
trip right into our trap.

Ready, my little actors?

ALL: Ready, Penguin.

Holy bats in the
belfry, Batman. Look!

BATMAN: That jungle bird is out
of place around here, Robin.

That can only mean one thing.

Penguin.

[PENGUIN LAUGHS]

It worked.

Here they come.

Places everyone.

And make it look
convincing, class.

Remember...your futures as
criminals depends on this.

ROBIN: It's the foul-bird
Penguin all right,

and a group of innocent kids.

I think it's time we
dropped in for a visit.

Right on, Batman.

[LAUGHS]

According to my schedule,

those two birdbrains
should be here any second.

Batman and Robin.

[LAUGHS]

What an unexpected surprise.

Caught you with your hand in
the birdseed jar, eh, Penguin?

But we've not broken
any laws, Batman.

You are batty.

Holy highway robbery.

You were ripping off
goods from this warehouse.

I'd say that's
against the law.

And our evidence
is right in here.

PENGUIN: If that's
your evidence,

I'm afraid you
have an empty case.

[LAUGHS]

Holy clipped feathers, Batman.

Think you're pretty
cagey, huh, Penguin?

[LAUGHS]

[TAUNTINGLY] Batman
want a cr*cker.

[SQUAWKS]

[LAUGHS]

ROBIN: You're not going
to get away with this,

you feathered fiend.

PENGUIN: Oh, but I am.

[LAUGHS] Oh, I am.

Bon voyage from The
Penguin's School of Crime.

ROBIN: School of Crime?

Holy innocence.

BATMAN: So that's it.

[LAUGHS]

And so it ends, students.

Batman and Robin depart on
their permanent vacation.

And we all graduate
with dishonors.

[ALL LAUGHING]

STUDENT 1: Where are you
sending them, Penguin?

To the South Pole.

[PENGUIN LAUGHS]

Where they can chase
penguins all they want.

[LAUGHS]

[STUDENTS CHEER]

STUDENT 2: Far out.

Let's see: Bat-smoke,
Bat-springs, Batarang.

Here we go: the Bat-torch.

[GRUNTING]

That's one...down.

[PENGUIN LAUGHS]

Ooh.

This is absolutely delicious.

The world's greatest
crime fighters

trapped at the South Pole.

[LAUGHS]

[SHIVERING]

Well, here's another fine
mess Penguin's got us into.

How will we ever get back to

warm and friendly Gotham City?

We only have one--
Oh-oh, one chance, Robin.

Th-th-the Bat-skis.

C-c-c-contact, Batman.

Go for it.

PENGUIN: Huh? They've escaped.

They've escaped.

And now they're
coming back to get me.

There must be
something we can do.

There is.

Yes, my pet?

Speak. Speak.

Those Bat-skis, and a
lot of other things,

are operated from
their utility belts.

If we steal their belts,

we take away a lot
of their powers.

[LAUGHS]

Brilliant idea.
Brilliant idea.

Absolutely brilliant.

Oh, I'm so glad I
thought of that.

[LAUGHS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Cops?

Don't be silly. My lair
is absolutely secret.

It's probably my woodpecker.

Coming. Coming.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Whoops. Sorry, Penguin.

And just who are you?

I'm Bat-Mite, and I
wanna join your g*ng.

You what?

Yeah. I'm sick
and tired of doing

all Batman's dirty
work for nothing.

I wanna be a bad
guy and get rich.

Hm.

[LAUGHS]

I think that can be arranged.

But first you must
pass a little test.

It's a deal, Penguin.

What do I do?

You're going to help us steal

Batman and Robin's
utility belts.

Ulp. Now, uh, wait a minute...

Help us or else.

Or else what?

Never mind. I'll do it.

You say the Penguin is
running a school for crime?

Incredible.

It's sad,
Commissioner, but true.

We'd better cancel his classes
before the kids graduate.

Don't worry, I'll put every
available man on the case.

Then let's discuss a
plan, commissioner,

so we can put The
Penguin away for good.

[PENGUIN LAUGHS]

Splendid.

They're here.

Excellent job, Bat-Mite.

Excellent.

[LAUGHS]

Class, within minutes,

the Dynamic Dodos' utility
belts will be ours.

Yippee.

PENGUIN: Ready, students?

We're ready, Penguin.

I gotta warn Batman and Robin.

PENGUIN: Yoo-hoo. Bat-Mite.

I've got a special job
for you, my little friend.

A j-j-j-j-job?

[LAUGHS]

Take these lovely flowers to
Batman and Robin, won't you?

Flowers? What for?

Oh...

just for laughs.

Now hurry.

Sure, Penguin.

The last time we saw the
Penguin he was right here at--

Batman. Robin. I've
captured The Penguin.

He's right outside.

You captured the Penguin?

But it's true. He
even sent you these.

Flowers from The
Penguin, Bat-Mite?

Don't make me laugh.

Bat-Mite's inside.
Hit it, Penguin.

Roger dodger.

Holy strange odors.

What's that?

Bat-Mite. Is this another...

[CHUCKLING, CLEARS THROAT]

...one of your...

[CHUCKLING]

...jokes?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Because if it is...

[LAUGHING]

...it sure isn't funny.

[LAUGHING]

No, it certainly
isn't, uh, B-Bat-Mite.

[LAUGHING] It's no joke.

It's laughing gas.

The Penguin's up to something.

[LAUGHS]

Stand by, class.

How's it going, Penguin?

[LAUGHS]

We're almost there.

Oh, don't you just love it?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh. This is all my fault.

I've gotta get that belt back.

[LAUGHS] Jolly good
work, Bat-Mite.

We have Batman's belt.

And now for the Boy Blunder's.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

Robin, commissioner,
breathe in.

We have them.

We have them.

The Dynamic Duo are minus
their greatest weapons.

Oh, boy. What've I done?

BATMAN: The Penguin.

And he's got our
utility belts.

Holy Benedict Arnold.

Bat-Mite is with him.

Come on, Robin, we
have work to do.

[LAUGHS]

Bat-Mite, my dear,

you are now the
official teacher's pet.

Penguin, look.

It's Batman and Robin.

Yay!

I mean, uh...

Boo!

[LAUGHS]

What better time to
make use of our new toy?

Robin, back.

Never mind me, Robin.

Grab The Penguin.

Okay, Batman. I'll get my
hands on that foul bird.

We have a surprise for
you too, Boy Wonder.

Holy smoke b*mb.

I can't see a thing.

[LAUGHS]

And that's as it should be.

Come, my little thieves,
we shall retire to my lair

and examine this
precious merchandise.

ROBIN: Holy curb service.

There goes the Batmobile!

Now what do we do?

Since we can't outrun them,

we'll have to outsmart them.

And I know just the thing to
make the Penguin eat crow.

Batman, both our
belts are gone.

Boy, is that Penguin greedy.

And that's what's
going to trap him.

But I don't get it.

BATMAN: It's very
simple, Boy Wonder.

We'll invite the Penguin and
his crime school to the Batcave.

It's an offer he can't refuse.

BATCOMPUTER: Then I take it you
are planning to use Bat-Mite

in this little caper?

Exactly.

Can you contact
him, Batcomputer?

With electronic ease.

Proceed, please.

Batman calling Bat-Mite.

BATMAN: Come in, Bat-Mite.

Bat--! Batman.

You're okay?

Roger. Are you alone?

If you don't count all
these birdbrains, yeah.

All right. Listen carefully.

How would you like to patch up

all the problems you've caused

and put the Penguin
behind bars for good.

Keep talking, Batman.

You're going to lead
us to the Batcave?

That's right, Penguin.

I'm the only one
who knows about it

outside of Batman and Robin.

[LAUGHS]

I hate to admit it,

but it's a brilliant plan.

With the rest of the Caped
Crusader's inventions,

nothing can stop me.

[LAUGHS]

♪ Fame and fortune
Here we come ♪

[LAUGHS]

How much further, Bat-Mite?

About three more drenchings.

And one soaking.

But that's what you
said last time I asked.

And it wasn't any
fun then either.

Oh, my gosh. Look!

Uh, hold your breath, guys.

I-I think this is it.

[SPITS]

[LAUGHS]

So this is the famous Batcave?

Yes. And we're the
famous Batman--

And Robin, the Boy Wonder.

[LAUGHS]

Your fame is about to end,

my fine fatheads,

because I'm taking over here.

Duck, Robin!

Well, we sure know
he's not from Texas.

Give up, Penguin.

We have you surrounded.

Surrounded?

[LAUGHS]

[MOCKINGLY] You
hear that, class?

We're surrounded.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, Batcomputer, hit it.

A pleasure, Batman.

[BEEPING]

[LAUGHS]

Nice try, Batman, but
you forget one thing.

Your utility belt is
full of surprises.

Well, here's a surprise
for you, Penguin.

[LAUGHS]

Fortunately, I have a spare.

Not anymore you don't.

Hey!

Your luck just
ran out, Penguin.

[LAUGHING]

Not quite.

Sorry I can't stay and chat,

but I have places to
pilfer and people to rob.

Ta-ta.

But, Penguin, what about us?

[LAUGHS]

Sorry, kiddies. But you
just flunked your finals.

Holy trap door.

The Batcopter hatch is open.

He's getting away.

He won't get far.

[CRASH]

Nice catch, Batman.

Same to you.

Too bad it was a foul ball.

Tough luck, Penguin.

Looks like your new nesting
place is gonna be behind bars.

You mean we're
all going to jail?

But, Penguin, you said
we were gonna get rich.

Well, there's nothing
wrong with getting rich.

What went wrong was the
way you went about it.

Yes. You learned a
valuable lesson today:

Never get involved
with a dirty bird.

BATCOMPUTER: Bat Message.

The Penguin really
had us going today,

didn't he, Robin? I'll say.

Especially when he
nearly flew the coop.

Well, now his School of Crime
is out for permanent recess.

Too bad his students had
to find out the hard way

that getting
something for nothing

always has its price.

What do you mean?

You get my services for nothing.

You're wrong, Bat-Mite.

BATMAN & ROBIN: We pay dearly.

[♪♪♪]