01x10 - The Best Christmas Ever

[bunniefuu]

Hey orel, what did you put
for number three on the science
test?

For number three on the science
test?
Jesus.

Test?
Jesus.
Of course.

Jesus.
Of course.
Hey dowie, I'll meet you in

Of course.
Hey dowie, I'll meet you in
class.

Hey dowie, I'll meet you in
class.
I am going to the bathroom.

Class.
I am going to the bathroom.
Ok.

I am going to the bathroom.
Ok.
Hi, clicky.

Ok.
Hi, clicky.
Stand up straight.

[Straining]

[Grunting]
who's having trouble in
there?

Who's having trouble in
there?
Oh, no trouble here, clicky.

There?
Oh, no trouble here, clicky.
That you, orel?

Oh, no trouble here, clicky.
That you, orel?
Yes.

That you, orel?
Yes.
You should eat more fruit.

Yes.
You should eat more fruit.
Why?

You should eat more fruit.
Why?
Helps you go number two.

Why?
Helps you go number two.
I am not going number two.

Helps you go number two.
I am not going number two.
No one should be grunting

I am not going number two.
No one should be grunting
like that going number one.

No one should be grunting
like that going number one.
I am not going number one

Like that going number one.
I am not going number one
either.

I am not going number one
either.
Well, if you ain't going

Either.
Well, if you ain't going
number one and you ain't going

Well, if you ain't going
number one and you ain't going
number two, what the hell

Number one and you ain't going
number two, what the hell
number are you going?

Number two, what the hell
number are you going?
Number three?

Number are you going?
Number three?
Huh?

Number three?
Huh?
Jesus h. Rodriguez!

Huh?
Jesus h. Rodriguez!
Oh, I was so close.

Jesus h. Rodriguez!
Oh, I was so close.
What's number three?

Oh, I was so close.
What's number three?
You know; ain't one or two.

What's number three?
You know; ain't one or two.
Number 1, gold as the sun,

You know; ain't one or two.
Number 1, gold as the sun,
number 2, I need to go poo.

Number 1, gold as the sun,
number 2, I need to go poo.
Number 3, set my sperm fr--

Number 2, I need to go poo.
Number 3, set my sperm fr--
orel, you've been masturbating.

Number 3, set my sperm fr--
orel, you've been masturbating.
Yes, principal freaky.

Orel, you've been masturbating.
Yes, principal freaky.
Clicky, start boiling the

Yes, principal freaky.
Clicky, start boiling the
bathroom.

Clicky, start boiling the
bathroom.
I'll deal with this one.

Bathroom.
I'll deal with this one.
Yep.

I'll deal with this one.
Yep.
Orel, do you know what

Yep.
Orel, do you know what
happens to little boys who

Orel, do you know what
happens to little boys who
masturbate?

Happens to little boys who
masturbate?
Well, not until a week ago.

Masturbate?
Well, not until a week ago.
But now, my whole

Well, not until a week ago.
But now, my whole
world's opened up.

But now, my whole
world's opened up.
It's evil, son.

World's opened up.
It's evil, son.
It is?

It's evil, son.
It is?
Worse than m*rder.

It is?
Worse than m*rder.
Yikes.

Worse than m*rder.
Yikes.
Yikes is right.

Yikes.
Yikes is right.
Why?

Yikes is right.
Why?
Why?

Why?
Why?
Well, sit down.

Why?
Well, sit down.
Orel, there are some things

Well, sit down.
Orel, there are some things
that are burnt so deep into a

Orel, there are some things
that are burnt so deep into a
person's subconscious that you

That are burnt so deep into a
person's subconscious that you
forget just why they're there.

Person's subconscious that you
forget just why they're there.
You only know that they've

Forget just why they're there.
You only know that they've
scarred you in such a horrible

You only know that they've
scarred you in such a horrible
and personal way that they must

Scarred you in such a horrible
and personal way that they must
be right.

And personal way that they must
be right.
Oh.

Be right.
Oh.
But I think I can point you

Oh.
But I think I can point you
to someone who is

But I think I can point you
to someone who is
scientifically qualified to

To someone who is
scientifically qualified to
explain the inner workings of

Scientifically qualified to
explain the inner workings of
the human body.

Explain the inner workings of
the human body.
Who?

The human body.
Who?
Principle freaky is right,

Who?
Principle freaky is right,
orel.

Principle freaky is right,
orel.
Regular m*rder is bad enough,

Orel.
Regular m*rder is bad enough,
but in one disgusting act you

Regular m*rder is bad enough,
but in one disgusting act you
m*rder millions of potential

But in one disgusting act you
m*rder millions of potential
people.

m*rder millions of potential
people.
Whoops.

People.
Whoops.
Whoops is right.

Whoops.
Whoops is right.
That's a major sin, my boy.

Whoops is right.
That's a major sin, my boy.
But I didn't know.

That's a major sin, my boy.
But I didn't know.
Orel, haven't you heard the

But I didn't know.
Orel, haven't you heard the
handy rhyme?

Orel, haven't you heard the
handy rhyme?
Number 1, gold like god made

Handy rhyme?
Number 1, gold like god made
the sun.

Number 1, gold like god made
the sun.
Number 2, good lord help me

The sun.
Number 2, good lord help me
go poo.

Number 2, good lord help me
go poo.
Number 3, the devil sets my

Go poo.
Number 3, the devil sets my
sperm free.

Number 3, the devil sets my
sperm free.
No, I've never heard the

Sperm free.
No, I've never heard the
protestant version, reverend.

No, I've never heard the
protestant version, reverend.
Well, it's been bastardized

Protestant version, reverend.
Well, it's been bastardized
over the years.

Well, it's been bastardized
over the years.
By who?

Over the years.
By who?
b*stards, orel, fatherless

By who?
b*stards, orel, fatherless
b*stards.

b*stards, orel, fatherless
b*stards.
Wow!

b*stards.
Wow!
Anyway, the point is,

Wow!
Anyway, the point is,
spilling those seeds is frowned

Anyway, the point is,
spilling those seeds is frowned
upon by god himself.

Spilling those seeds is frowned
upon by god himself.
I'm not just talking some

Upon by god himself.
I'm not just talking some
worthless angels or a couple

I'm not just talking some
worthless angels or a couple
of goofy saints here.

Worthless angels or a couple
of goofy saints here.
God, orel, the scary guy hates

Of goofy saints here.
God, orel, the scary guy hates
it when you masturbate.

God, orel, the scary guy hates
it when you masturbate.
[Gulp]

It when you masturbate.
[Gulp]
gulp is right.

[Gulp]
gulp is right.
Sperm is there for procreation,

Gulp is right.
Sperm is there for procreation,
not recreation.

Sperm is there for procreation,
not recreation.
Jeez-it?

Not recreation.
Jeez-it?
No, thanks, reverend.

Jeez-it?
No, thanks, reverend.
It's catholic free.

No, thanks, reverend.
It's catholic free.
Oh, ok.

It's catholic free.
Oh, ok.
So, it's not a sin if the seeds

Oh, ok.
So, it's not a sin if the seeds
are used to make babies.

So, it's not a sin if the seeds
are used to make babies.
Exactly.

Are used to make babies.
Exactly.
I see.

Exactly.
I see.
Just remember.

I see.
Just remember.
You're a good-looking kid.

Just remember.
You're a good-looking kid.
You don't need to resort to the

You're a good-looking kid.
You don't need to resort to the
pathetic, humiliating, task of

You don't need to resort to the
pathetic, humiliating, task of
self-pleasure.

Pathetic, humiliating, task of
self-pleasure.
Oh, but reverend putty, how

Self-pleasure.
Oh, but reverend putty, how
would I actually go about

Oh, but reverend putty, how
would I actually go about
procreating with my sperm, so

Would I actually go about
procreating with my sperm, so
that I can make babies.

Procreating with my sperm, so
that I can make babies.
Well, I don't know.

That I can make babies.
Well, I don't know.
Ok, I'm punching out.

Well, I don't know.
Ok, I'm punching out.
See you sunday.

Sperm. Huh-huh.

[Knock on door]
why?
I mean, yes.

Why?
I mean, yes.
Dad, are you busy?

I mean, yes.
Dad, are you busy?
A little.

Dad, are you busy?
A little.
Come on in orel.

A little.
Come on in orel.
What's up?

Come on in orel.
What's up?
Dad, how do you make babies?

What's up?
Dad, how do you make babies?
Uh-huh.

Dad, how do you make babies?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh?

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh?
Oh, no.

Uh-huh?
Oh, no.
Umm -- ha-ha-ha.

Oh, no.
Umm -- ha-ha-ha.
No.

Umm -- ha-ha-ha.
No.
Hmm.

No.
Hmm.
How old are you now orel, 9?

Hmm.
How old are you now orel, 9?
11.

How old are you now orel, 9?
11.
Uh-huh.

11.
Uh-huh.


Uh-huh.
Hmm.


Hmm.
Oh, this is interesting.

Hmm.
Oh, this is interesting.
Now, that you're 11, you

Oh, this is interesting.
Now, that you're 11, you
can know the real story.

Now, that you're 11, you
can know the real story.
Babies are made by god's chef,

Can know the real story.
Babies are made by god's chef,
visiting ladies at night while

Babies are made by god's chef,
visiting ladies at night while
they're asleep and injecting

Visiting ladies at night while
they're asleep and injecting
them with the delicious glaze

They're asleep and injecting
them with the delicious glaze
from his holy pastry bag.

Them with the delicious glaze
from his holy pastry bag.
Huh, brilliant.

From his holy pastry bag.
Huh, brilliant.
God's chef?

Huh, brilliant.
God's chef?
It's all right here in black

God's chef?
It's all right here in black
and white.

It's all right here in black
and white.
Cleaner, cleaner, cleaner,

And white.
Cleaner, cleaner, cleaner,
cleaner.

Cleaner, cleaner, cleaner,
cleaner.
Yummy.

Cleaner.
Yummy.
Shapey, no.

Yummy.
Shapey, no.
Mine.

Shapey, no.
Mine.
Not on your life.

Mine.
Not on your life.
I have so little left.

Not on your life.
I have so little left.
There, there, little one.

I have so little left.
There, there, little one.
Hey, mom, do you have a

There, there, little one.
Hey, mom, do you have a
pastry bag I can borrow?

Hey, mom, do you have a
pastry bag I can borrow?
What are you going to make?

Pastry bag I can borrow?
What are you going to make?
My delicious glaze.

What are you going to make?
My delicious glaze.
Umm.

My delicious glaze.
Umm.
Are you going to make mommy

Umm.
Are you going to make mommy
something nice?

Are you going to make mommy
something nice?
Geez, mom, you've got to be

Something nice?
Geez, mom, you've got to be
kidding.

God's chef?
Uh-huh.
Why?

Uh-huh.
Why?
So I can masturbate and go

Why?
So I can masturbate and go
to heaven.

So I can masturbate and go
to heaven.
It's god's plan.

To heaven.
It's god's plan.
And how are you going to get

It's god's plan.
And how are you going to get
it inside the ladies?

And how are you going to get
it inside the ladies?
Dowie, don't you ever listen?

It inside the ladies?
Dowie, don't you ever listen?
All I do is sneak into their

Dowie, don't you ever listen?
All I do is sneak into their
houses while they're sleeping,

All I do is sneak into their
houses while they're sleeping,
and squirt my sperm into them.

Houses while they're sleeping,
and squirt my sperm into them.
Squirt into where?

And squirt my sperm into them.
Squirt into where?
How?

Squirt into where?
How?
Gosh.

How?
Gosh.
I'm not really sure.

Gosh.
I'm not really sure.
Well, I guess I'll just have to

I'm not really sure.
Well, I guess I'll just have to
have faith that god will show

Well, I guess I'll just have to
have faith that god will show
me the way.

Have faith that god will show
me the way.
All I need is this holy pastry

Me the way.
All I need is this holy pastry
bag, and my seed.

All I need is this holy pastry
bag, and my seed.
He will do the rest.

Bag, and my seed.
He will do the rest.
Sounds more like you're

He will do the rest.
Sounds more like you're
god's baker to me.

Sounds more like you're
god's baker to me.
Say, I guess you're right,

God's baker to me.
Say, I guess you're right,
dowie.

Say, I guess you're right,
dowie.
Ha-ha-ha.

Dowie.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oops.

Ooh, uh.
Oh.
God be praised.

Oh.
God be praised.
How are you doing as god's

God be praised.
How are you doing as god's
chef, orel?

How are you doing as god's
chef, orel?
Pretty good, I think.

Chef, orel?
Pretty good, I think.
Well, it's only been a month

Pretty good, I think.
Well, it's only been a month
and I've pretty much covered

Well, it's only been a month
and I've pretty much covered
this whole neighborhood with

And I've pretty much covered
this whole neighborhood with
number 3.

Hundreds of married women
are mysteriously finding
themselves with child in the

Are mysteriously finding
themselves with child in the


Themselves with child in the
abstinent way.


Abstinent way.
Horrible.

Abstinent way.
Horrible.
Newlyweds rickie and jenny

Horrible.
Newlyweds rickie and jenny
coldshoulder have no idea how

Newlyweds rickie and jenny
coldshoulder have no idea how
the missus came to be

Coldshoulder have no idea how
the missus came to be
blessed against her will as

The missus came to be
blessed against her will as
they haven't even shared the

Blessed against her will as
they haven't even shared the
same bed in their entire 3-week

They haven't even shared the
same bed in their entire 3-week
marriage."

Same bed in their entire 3-week
marriage."
Shocking.

Marriage."
Shocking.
Do-do-do-do-do...

Oh.
Aaahhh!
Jesus crew cuts.

I'll take him from here, don.
Well...
To my study.

Well...
To my study.
[Gulp] [gulp] [gulp].

To my study.
[Gulp] [gulp] [gulp].
That doesn't explain why you

[Gulp] [gulp] [gulp].
That doesn't explain why you
were out past curfew.

That doesn't explain why you
were out past curfew.
But dad, how else was I

Were out past curfew.
But dad, how else was I
going to be god's chef?

But dad, how else was I
going to be god's chef?
Ladies needed to be asleep for

Going to be god's chef?
Ladies needed to be asleep for
me to be able to sh**t my yummy

Ladies needed to be asleep for
me to be able to sh**t my yummy
contents into them.

Me to be able to sh**t my yummy
contents into them.
You were not supposed to be

Contents into them.
You were not supposed to be
god's chef orel.

You were not supposed to be
god's chef orel.
God's chef is only a whimsical

God's chef orel.
God's chef is only a whimsical
fella like santa or charles

God's chef is only a whimsical
fella like santa or charles
darwin.

Fella like santa or charles
darwin.
Come on, pop.

Darwin.
Come on, pop.
I'm too old to believe in that

Come on, pop.
I'm too old to believe in that
stuff.

I'm too old to believe in that
stuff.
Worthless piece of sugar!

Stuff.
Worthless piece of sugar!
All because I did not I did

Worthless piece of sugar!
All because I did not I did
not want to sin by spilling my

All because I did not I did
not want to sin by spilling my
seed and not procreating.

Not want to sin by spilling my
seed and not procreating.
Is that what this is all

Seed and not procreating.
Is that what this is all
about?

Is that what this is all
about?
Yeah.

About?
Yeah.
I had a little talk with

Yeah.
I had a little talk with
reverend putty.

I had a little talk with
reverend putty.
I see.

Reverend putty.
I see.
Well, orel, I think I'm

I see.
Well, orel, I think I'm
partially to blame for all of

Well, orel, I think I'm
partially to blame for all of
this.

Partially to blame for all of
this.
You see, by not trusting you

This.
You see, by not trusting you
enough to tell you the truth

You see, by not trusting you
enough to tell you the truth
about procreation, I led you

Enough to tell you the truth
about procreation, I led you
astray as to how god would want

About procreation, I led you
astray as to how god would want
you to give women babies.

Astray as to how god would want
you to give women babies.
What do you mean, dad?

You to give women babies.
What do you mean, dad?
Well, I mean the good

What do you mean, dad?
Well, I mean the good
reverend was right.

Well, I mean the good
reverend was right.
Spilling your seed

Reverend was right.
Spilling your seed
wastefully is a sin.

Spilling your seed
wastefully is a sin.
But it's also a sin to

Wastefully is a sin.
But it's also a sin to
procreate in odd, exciting ways.

But it's also a sin to
procreate in odd, exciting ways.
Men and women have only one

Procreate in odd, exciting ways.
Men and women have only one
holy position, and that's

Men and women have only one
holy position, and that's
called the missionary position.

Holy position, and that's
called the missionary position.
The missionary position?

Called the missionary position.
The missionary position?
Yes.

The missionary position?
Yes.
It's the most loving and

Yes.
It's the most loving and
satisfying position the bible

It's the most loving and
satisfying position the bible
has to offer.

Satisfying position the bible
has to offer.
It got its name from

Has to offer.
It got its name from
missionaries who taught

It got its name from
missionaries who taught
backward cultures how to have

Missionaries who taught
backward cultures how to have
morally righteous sexual

Backward cultures how to have
morally righteous sexual
intercourse.

Morally righteous sexual
intercourse.
Neat.

Intercourse.
Neat.
Who thought of the missionary

Neat.
Who thought of the missionary
position, dad?

Who thought of the missionary
position, dad?
I believe it was first

Position, dad?
I believe it was first
developed by noah, who was

I believe it was first
developed by noah, who was
disgusted by the hoary godless

Developed by noah, who was
disgusted by the hoary godless
ways of some erotically charged

Disgusted by the hoary godless
ways of some erotically charged
animals on the ark.

Ways of some erotically charged
animals on the ark.
Wow.

Animals on the ark.
Wow.
And of course, it's the

Wow.
And of course, it's the
all-important lost 12th

And of course, it's the
all-important lost 12th
commandment, thou shalt only

All-important lost 12th
commandment, thou shalt only
have sex face to face, man on

Commandment, thou shalt only
have sex face to face, man on
top.

Have sex face to face, man on
top.
That explains a lot.

Top.
That explains a lot.
I was on top, though.

That explains a lot.
I was on top, though.
Yeah, well it is also a sin

I was on top, though.
Yeah, well it is also a sin
to use fun equipment.

Yeah, well it is also a sin
to use fun equipment.
Oh!

To use fun equipment.
Oh!
But anyway I'm not telling

Oh!
But anyway I'm not telling
you all the facts to begin with.

But anyway I'm not telling
you all the facts to begin with.
It was my mistake this time

You all the facts to begin with.
It was my mistake this time
son, not yours.

It was my mistake this time
son, not yours.
Then do I get to spank you

Son, not yours.
Then do I get to spank you
with my belt?

Then do I get to spank you
with my belt?
Ha-ha-ha.

With my belt?
Ha-ha-ha.
I think not.

Hello, good-bye.