01x06 - Tales from the Great Bar-Mitzvah w*r!

[bunniefuu]

I, Balder the Brave, have assembled

the best warriors in all of Asgard

to defend the sanctity of our land.

We must find the evil sorcerer

who madeth this tear in our sky

and sullies our beauteous realm

with unholy artifac--

[machine shredding]

[splats]

[laughs] What else can I launch down

this trash portal I've built to Asgard?

I don't understand.

How's this gonna help you destroy Monica,

reclaim your title as Scientist Supreme?

It won't. It just makes me feel great

to screw with Thor.

Every time I feel sad,

I throw a string cheese wrapper

down there.

[groans] If only there was a way

not to eat the string cheese.

As for Monica,

I have a diabolically intricate plan.

First, I wanna chuck one of these

heavy mothers into the portal.

Oh, can't let you do that.

I was elected

the office fire safety captain.

I take fire very seriously.

Gorgeous fire. Sexy fire.

Flickering like a dancing woman.

An elusive beauty

you'd destroy the world just to please!

Yeah, yeah. Fire's awesome.

Now, hand me that milk.

This trash can here

is a portal directly into my stomach.

That way while my mouth is busy eating,

other food gets VIP stomach access.

See? Why eat harder

when you can eat smar--

-Oh. Oh, no. Puke makes me--

-Gary, no!

So, M.O.D.O.K.,

I know you've been ignoring my emails.

Oh, I meant to tell you.

I have a new email now.

M.O.D.O.K.@austinsucksbutts.edu.

Why would it be an ".edu"?

[chuckling]

'Cause I just took you to school.

[sighs, chuckles]

Clearly, you're not responding to

my management style, so from here on out,

I'll be delivering you orders

via my sweet little puppy, Sherlock.

-[barking]

-"Hey. I'm Sherlock.

And people are complaining

that you're not delivering their packages,

which makes me think

you're low-key not doing your job."

First of all,

Sherlock is an absolute little gentleman.

-[whines]

-He would never say that.

Second of all, look at this little scarf.

Oh, my gosh!

Third, he would never say that.

Now get out of here!

If you can't deliver the mail,

we're gonna have to demote you.

-[whines]

-And I'd hate to demote you

because then I'd have to figure out

what's lower than this.

Hey, Dillman.

Sherlock's got some news for you.

"We saw some inappropriate images

on your hard drive.

Pretty 'rough, rough' stuff.

The police are on their way."

Gary,

I'm feeling some good rage right now.

Let's channel it into this.

Behold. A battle suit

proportional to my head,

giving me the power

to crush Austin and Monica

and finally experience

what it's like to have thighs.

Thick thighs save lives!

Or in this case, end them.

-[phone vibrating]

-Oh, my God. It's Jodie. All right.

This is the first time she's called

since the separation.

This is a chance to impress her.

[breathes heavily]

How's it hanging, duder?

-I'm blowing it, Gary. Think of something.

-Ooh, say "hello."

Hello.

[Jodie] Thank God. M.O.D.O.K., I need you.

-Gary, it's phone sex.

-[gasps] The sex you're best at.

It's not phone sex, M.O.D.O.K.

Lou released a bunch of doves

at his bar mitzvah rehearsal,

and now there's bird sh*t

all over the bimah.

The rabbi is furious.

Nice. My turn.

-I take off your bra using only my teeth.

-[sensual music playing]

And then my throat starts to close up.

I'm clearly allergic

to something in the fabric.

I fumble at your panties,

but it's too late.

I lose consciousness.

Oh, my God.

Just get down here and help me.

[music stops]

Lou, what the hell happened in there?

One dove corrupted the others.

It's not my fault.

The rabbi doesn't want you doing

weird magic tricks at your bar mitzvah.

But magic's sorta my whole deal.

I'm gonna pull rabbits out of yarmulkes,

yarmulkes out of rabbits,

and for my final trick,

I resurrect my foreskin from the dead.

Aw, honey, we talked about this.

Your foreskin's in hell.

Where it belongs.

And to celebrate my Mexican heritage, Mom,

I'll be a-click-clacking around

in the heels from your quinceañera.

I didn't have a quinceañera,

and those aren't my shoes,

but if one or two of these ideas

makes you happy…

Oh, I'm just warming up.

I want a loose hot dog bar

with all the works,

which means nothing but loose hot dogs

and the water.

I want my "boysmaids" to wear

denim jumpsuits.

Oh, also, I want "boysmaids."

And this is nonnegotiable.

I want Great-Grandma Esther

to do a reading from my erotic poetry

about the green M&M.

And those are just my safe ideas.

Ah, InStyle magazine was gonna do

a feature on me planning this bar mitzvah.

-Maybe I should just cancel it.

-I'm all over it. Trust me.

The title for that article is gonna be

"Normal Boy Has Normal Bar Mitzvah."

[dove cooing]

-[squawks]

-Shh.

[whispers]

You're gonna be a big, bright star.

Good luck.

I usually only seamstress on the weekends,

but this is lovely.

Shut up, Gary.

I'm trying to listen to my weird son.

"90% of magic's in the flair."

David Copperfield said that.

"90% of magic's in the hair."

David Copperfield's

hair plug guy said that.

Now look in your pocket.

Did you put creamed corn in my pocket?

A trick and a treat.

Gary, go get more fire extinguishers

while I tamp down my son's individuality.

Yeah. I'm probably gonna go

light something on fire.

Hey, buddy. Whatcha working on?

Got any more magic for your old pappy?

Wow. To be honest,

I thought you absolutely hated my magic.

Seems like I pulled

a magic trick on you then.

Let me see your magic gear.

Oh, my. I don't even have much today.

Just a bare-bones kit.

-Magic hat.

-Of course.

-Wand. Backup wand.

-Classic. Smart.

-Deck of cards.

-Love it.

-140 handkerchiefs.

-The best.

-Open can of corn.

-Necessary?

-Sword of mystery!

-Mysterious.

-And a photo of you guys.

-Aw!

Because there's nothing more magical than

the love and support of a good family.

-My gear!

-No magic at your bar mitzvah!

-But--

-Why can't you just be normal like…

[moans]

Normal. Like…

-[Monica shouts]

-[chainsaw revs]

Normal. Like…

[gobbles]

Just no magic. That's final!

If you think I'm afraid of getting dirty,

you clearly haven't read my letter

to the green M&M.

Who threw away this

perfectly good swirling vorte-- Whoa!

No. No, no, no!

Last night at Hardee's, now this?

Can there be one day this week

where I don't dive into a garbage can?

Don't worry, Lou. I'm coming!

Oh! [laughs]

Oh, whew. Lou landed safely and softly.

-[whinnies]

-Now for me as well--

[grunting]

[groans]

Ah, eat your heart out,

Kerri Strug and Sully Sullenberger.

There's a new lander in town.

Who knew my Narnia

was just a trash can away?

Oh, it even has fairies!

Ah, he's wonderful.

Gimme your sneakers.

Stay there! I'm coming to get you!

Uh-oh. Company.

I'll be back for those sneakers.

Goodbye, fairy. I'll miss you.

Even the stabbing!

-Hey. My magic stuff.

-[growling]

-[growls]

-[Lou screams]

-Dad!

-Kobold goblins!

Lou! No!

[grunts]

Oh, man. Skechers Step Ups?

That's a stab.

[chewing]

[groans]

-Goat! [screams]

-[bleats]

-Oh, it's one of those fainting goats.

-[hoverchair starts up, backfires]

[groans] Dang goat chewed my wires up.

I can fix this.

[groans] Oh, my back.

The one thing on my body I can't reach

besides everything else.

-[screams]

-Lou! My son!

[grunting]

[groans]

[screaming]

I got twigs in my just-threaded eyebrows

for you?

-[bleats]

-Well, at least you're friendly.

[screams]

Ah, I can't concentrate on goats

right now.

I'm trying to figure out

a way to get around.

Oh, hell yeah. In Asgard, goats can fly!

[bleats]

I said, "Goats can fly!"

Ugh, did I get the only non-flying goats

in Asgard?

-[bleats]

-Should I switch them out?

No! No.

I can't spend all day switching goats.

Just gotta commit to these.

-[bleats]

-Damn it!

I am so nervous for Lou.

I can barely eat

this whole slice of CPK pizza.

OMG. It's Lou's A.I.M. visitor badge.

I'm on the right path, goats.

That's right. I refuse to name you

because I'll probably eat you.

Goatye! Billy the Kid!

Damn it. I love them now.

-[phone vibrating]

-Oh, crap. It's Jodie.

Hey, girl. Things are all good here.

Well, seems like a natural stopping point

for us to hop off the phone. Bye!

[Jodie] No, wait.

I'm just calling to see how Lou's doing.

I know how important the bar mitzvah

is to him, and he's so fragile.

Oh, he's fine. He--

-Giant honking squirrel!

-[roars]

[goat screams]

-I'm sorry. What?

-Yeah. Giant honking squirrel.

-It's an expression.

-[roars]

It means "out of harm's way,"

"totally safe."

You've never heard that before?

Wow. You're such a--

Frost Giant!

Okay. Now I'm a Frost Giant?

What-- What does that mean?

-Oh, Jodie. You're showing your age.

-[footsteps]

[grunts] Another expression, of course.

Ah! Ooh!

The point is, Lou's totally safe.

[grunting]

Safe as a-- Even bigger honking squirrel!

Well, now that I know

that means he's safe,

I guess… good?

Thank you for handling this.

All right.

Seems like we're wrapping up, thank God.

Just know that everything's--

B-B-B-B-Bodacious hunks!

Okay. So I just looked up "Frost Giant,"

and I have never done that

to an ice cream sandwich.

[Asgardian] Once again,

I apologize for how we all pointed

swords at your horrible face.

And I apologize for continually guessing

your body fat percentage on the way over.

It's zero, right?

You gotta tell me if I'm close.

We're on the hunt for the sorcerer

who m*rder*d our general.

The only clue we have

is this sorcerer's symbol.

Each carries the same marking

as their loathsome death box,

the cause of our leader's demise.

I've never seen that logo in my life.

It's cool though, right?

It looks like it's by the same guy

who did that Baskin-Robbins logo,

so it couldn't have been cheap.

You know, they hide the number 31

in the Baskin-Robbins logo.

You can see that, right?

Have you ever seen that? It's so cool!

But that logo,

I've never seen that one in my life.

All I know is, if we find him,

verily, we will clonk him up good.

Uh-huh. Well, if any of you beefcake

beauties want to join me on a quest,

I've gotta go mess up a bunch of Kobolds

and rescue my son.

Alas, we cannot.

We hast a thousand-year peace

with the Kobolds.

Because they're harmonious,

peace-loving creatures

who would never hurt my boy?

No! Those freakish ghouls

are an important part of the ecosystem.

-They devour unwanted children.

-[nervously chuckles]

Allowing us to continue having

unprotected sex without consequences.

Wow. Hot. No. Wait.

Lou is unprotected.

And I made him with sex!

I gotta go.

Fare thee well, horny troll.

-[birds cawing]

-[owls hooting]

-[wolf howling]

-Oh, good.

The trees are getting creepy.

Must be close to the Kobold city.

[crushing bones]

A road paved with human skulls.

Ha, a little much.

[gasps] Lou!

Oh, thank God. It's not him.

These bones are way too calcium-fortified

to be my noodly son.

-[Lou whimpers]

-A weak, childlike whimper.

Now, that's my embarrassing Lou.

Now for the main attraction.

Everyone, please, take a look.

There's nothing special

about this dental floss, is there?

-We don't even know what dental floss is.

-[laughing]

And in a few short moments,

I will fuse these two dental flosses

together to make one dental floss.

-I can't follow any of this. I love it!

-[cheering, laughing]

It's like a one-way Lady and the tr*mp,

folks.

[laughing]

[slow-motion laughing]

[gasps]

Behold. A single floss.

[Kobold whistling]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Can you fill in for a beat, Krawleen?

[guitar strums]

[clears throat]

[screaming, singing]

Hey, Dad! You look hungry.

I could have someone bring you

some Valhalla-peño poppers.

What do you want? An Asgarden burger?

How about nachos Thor-style,

where they smash 'em up with a hammer.

Oh, my God. My poor dear boy.

Look what they've done to you.

Turned you into a fool.

What? You mean my act?

I've been workshopping it

for my bar mitzvah.

Now that you know that,

do you think it's pretty cool?

No! I don't understand it.

The last time I saw you,

these things were going to eat you.

Oh, they were saucing me up,

flavoring me good.

I'm talking celery, onions, bell peppers,

the Holy Trinity of Cajun cuisine--

Just get to the part

where they didn't eat you.

I did that thing

where I made one ball turn into two ba*ls.

And look at me now.

Full residency

at the Catch a Rising Kobold Theater.

I was so worried about you,

only to learn that you've become

the jester to freaky-a*s goblin creatures.

Actually, I'm doing really well.

I'm making more than Krawleen.

And she's Krawleen.

[continues screaming]

No son of mine upstages Krawleen.

-We're leaving!

-But, Dad--

Time to go home and prepare for your

traditional, nonhumiliating bar mitzvah.

Why would I go home when I could stay here

where I don't have to hide who I am?

That was you hiding who you are?

I'm constantly dealing with it.

It's so in my face!

-[clicks] Throw him out.

-[growls]

-[grunts]

-[cackling]

I believe I had two goats!

-[goat screams]

-These are them, thanks.

-I only had two. I'm not keeping this go--

-[bleating]

Goatis Redding. Damn it!

Ah, you're in the g*ng,

and I love you forever.

[Lou] For my next trick,

I'll pull a guitar out of Krawleen!

-[Kobolds cheering]

-[Krawleen shrieks]

I can't protect Lou if he's stuck in

that goblin city guarded by those freaks!

I'll have to take him back by force.

Looks like the only way to save my son…

is to go to w*r with him.

Well, I ate Goatis.

Anyway. Hey, Asgardians!

Is this the sorcerer you're looking for?

-[Asgardians] The symbol!

-He leads the Kobolds.

-Then we go to w*r!

-Yes!

For the normalcy of my son's bar mitzvah!

For the what of the what?

For a deeply personal conflict

that has nothing to do with you guys!

[cheering]

-[melancholy music playing]

-[Asgardian] To my beautiful wife, Astrid,

the Great Bar Mitzvah Wars

have dragged on for months.

Know that if this great w*r takes me,

I want you to never move on.

I'm serious.

If you do, I'll haunt you forever.

[Kobold] Life on the front lines

is unforgiving.

The only thing that gives me hope are your

letters written in aged menstrual blood.

If I do not return,

dear pungent Gremelina,

I know that I will miss every part of you.

Your scaly flesh.

The stench of your rotting teeth.

The moles that line

every inch of your mug-shaped body.

[Asgardian] But though we suffer,

none suffer more than our great leader,

who carries the full weight of this w*r.

[imitating Lou]

"Okay, Dad, I give up magic.

I like normal stuff now

like cars and toast."

[Scottish accent]

"Thanks, Son. I accept your surrender.

Just kidding!

I'm gonna k*ll all these stupid goblins."

[imitates g*nshots]

"I'm the man now, dawg."

[normal voice]

How goes the battlefront, General Dagr?

We have taken great losses.

Oh, I hate hearing that.

Should I reflect that on the table?

Why are we losing soldiers?

You took their shields away

and melted them down to make figurines.

We didn't take their swords though.

Let's take their swords and melt those

down to make shields for the figurines.

I don't wanna make the same mistake with

figurines that I did with the soldiers.

[Dagr groans]

Lord, the other side hast offered to meet

and negotiate peace.

"Peace," you say.

[rumbling]

[goat screams]

[singsong] I'm here for peace.

[growling]

[tank creaks]

[Lou] So, this w*r sorta got out of hand,

and a lot of people sorta died.

Wrong again.

This w*r was always in hand. My hand.

And a lot of people definitely died.

And after this tank pops off,

a hell of a lot more people

are going to die.

As a peace offering,

I brought you these flowers!

-[screams]

-[bleats]

[screaming]

[grunts, groans]

[goat screams]

[grunts]

[groaning]

[all laugh]

[groans] Go ahead. Laugh at me.

Just like everyone always has.

[all sigh]

[M.O.D.O.K.] That's right. Just go. Leave!

-[sighs] Here, Dad. Let--

-Don't touch me.

Use this.

This is…

This is exactly what I wanted

to save you from.

What?

I didn't want you doing magic

at your bar mitzvah

because, well,

I didn't want you to feel humiliated.

On account of magic being lame.

Disagree. Continue.

I worry about you.

I worry about you being too much like me.

I thought you wanted me

to be more like you.

What? No! People hate me.

I've been mocked

all my life for being different. [sighs]

I want you to be more like…

I don't know. Tony Stark?

Your greatest foe?

People like him.

I want people to like you.

-Oh.

-One day, I'll conquer the world

and create a utopia

where no one can ever hurt you,

but until then,

it's safer for you to like normal things.

Like football or toast.

You're always bringing up toast.

I like toast.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Hey.

-Hey!

Kobold justice demands public execution,

Giant Head Man.

[M.O.D.O.K.]

Lou, call my lawyer, Irving Champlain.

If he doesn't save my life, it's free.

[growling]

You don't have to do this.

I can get you pewter figurines.

You like pewter figurines?

I can give you all of mine.

I-I have ten. That's every last one.

[Kobolds growling]

No, please don't k*ll me!

All right, I have 6,000 figurines.

You can have them all.

Just don't k*ll me. My son needs me!

You gruesome son of a b*tch.

You're gonna saw me in half?

Oh! You're gonna saw me in half.

This man likes splitting our land in two.

Let's see how much he likes it

when we split his body in two.

[cheering]

No!

m*rder!

You're k*lling me, you jerk!

Oh, woe to be cut! Oh, to be sliced!

Ah, you're cutting my stomach,

and the food's coming out.

I'm getting hungry again.

He speaks so much.

Saw his face!

This is where the saw is.

I've committed to the cut.

And we've come to the spine,

which you'll never get through--

-Oh, geez, you did it.

-[Kobolds cheer]

Is he final--

Ah, the adrenaline's kicking in now!

I could die for days.

[sighs]

-Dad.

-All right, all right.

Here's the big moment! Three, two, one!

Countdown to my death begins! Ten, ni--

-He died! He just died right then.

-[cheering]

But wait, there's more!

-Holy sh--

-His legs are still kicking!

We've become the monsters!

You saved me. And it was so fun.

You were a little hammy.

I mean, I can be hammy sometimes

with the magic,

but you were moons over my hammy.

Thank you. Now hug me, you--

Abra-hug-dad-bra.

So I learned that Lou's strong

in his own way.

And I managed to save my figurines,

so it all worked out.

M.O.D.O.K., it sounds like there was

a massive and senseless loss of life.

Yeah, but I like magic now.

And I see my son in a different light,

a positive one.

So he's gonna do whatever he wants at his

bar mitzvah whether you like it or not.

-M.O.D.O.K.--

-Fine, we'll diaper the doves.

-It's just that--

-Sew their buttholes shut?

You're a monster. But it's done.

Look, everyone knows I like to have fun.

I'm the wacky rabbi.

I wear yarmulkes with polka dots on them.

Fine, you're fun. What are you getting at?

I am worried about Lou's magic.

He's supposed to be becoming a man,

and I may be a silly rabbi,

but tricks are for kids.

So you're saying the magic is…

Is a symptom of a larger problem.

Lou seems to be using it

to push people away.

I think he's having a hard time

with the divorce.

-You're saying ban magic?

-No.

So, it's "Magic ahoy! Set sail for magic"?

There isn't a simple answer here.

All I know is your son is hurting,

and it's up to you to figure out

how to help him.

There he is!

Coolest dad in the world. My best friend.

So, did you tell her what's what?

That we both want magic at my bar mitzvah?

Lou, I--

[sighs] About that.

Let's just talk about it later, okay?

[screams]

Yeah, you and me both, goat.

You and me both.

[electricity crackling]

[beeping]

Well, this has been lovely,

but I want to go home.

You have no home.

Oh, yes, I do.

You're so negative,

just like your older self.

The family doesn't appreciate you.

They're not that bad. We rib each other.

I mean, I don't rib them

as much as they rib me.

I don't rib them at all actually.

I do get my little barbs in

from time to time.

-It's not like I don't--

-Shut up! I want to make you an offer.

Is it for betrayal? I accept.

They don't love me. I have no home.

Is this where I live now?

Well, I-I was gonna offer you

what they never have,

complete independence--

It's fine. It's done.

What did you have in mind?

I say poison them.

I know where their food is.

It's in the house.

Oh, I have something much bigger

in store for them.

Ooh, you should put them in those coffins!

They'll turn into bones.

This is going great.