01x05 - The Sandman Is Coming

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

[narrator] Spider-Man.

[inaudible speaking]

[meow]

[inaudible speaking]

[growls]

[narrator] Spider-Man.

Hey, Sally, look over...

My name is Sally-Ann Beaumont, Peter,

and you may call me
Sally-Ann or Ms. Beaumont,

but definitely not Sally.

Have I made myself clear?

Crystal.

The only reason you're even along

is because the science committee at ESU
had to send two people,

but I was their first choice.

[Peter] And I'm just chopped liver.

[Sally-Ann]
It's a great honor for NASA to invite us

to view the landing
of the first Mars probe,

and I intend to make the most of it.

So just stay out of my way, buster.

Mars Explorer 1
has re-entered the atmosphere,

and she's right on target.

Oh, great. We got here just in time.

We're picking up an image
on the TV scanner.

Look! There it is!

Uh, exactly where is it supposed to land?

Oh, Peter Parker, don't be such a pest.

Be a good boy and go take
some pictures or something.

"Why don't you be a good boy
and go take some pictures?"

Who does she think she is?

Up there!

Careful. That Mars soil sample
is highly radioactive.

Boy, that's got to be
the most important hunk of dirt on Earth.

Quick! Get that soil sample secured!

What's happening?

The weather report was for a perfect day.

[thud]

Ha, ha, ha! Fools!

The weather is perfect,

but no one can forecast
the coming of the Sandman.

I bet he didn't forecast
the coming of Spider-Man, either.

This is what I came for.

[soldier] Okay, hold it!

You're under military arrest.

[laughs] Don't waste your time.

You'd have a better chance

trying to stop a hurricane
with a fly swatter.

If you don't have a fly swatter,
you're stuck with me.

Spider-Man!

Who did you expect, the Hulk?

And speaking of fly swatters,

that gives me one heck of an idea.

Strike one, web-swinger.

Go on back to the minor leagues
where you belong.

[spits, coughs]

It's time like this
I feel like I'm all washed up.

Can't somebody stop him?

Oh, where's that worthless Peter Parker?

Why isn't he doing something?

I'm sure he's doing everything he can.

Quick, turn your radar to full power.

Hmm. Everybody thinks he's a general.

These high-frequency microwaves

ought to blow the Sandman
back into harmless dust.

Give it up, Spider-Man.

Your childish efforts can't hurt me.

Okay, big mouth, let's hear it
for my childish efforts.

You overconfident fool.

You're beginning to bore me.

Well, well.

Looks like Spider-Man just lost his head.

Oh, no. Just my luck.

Without my mask, I don't dare fight.

Look at him, running like a scared insect.

Ah, now to finish what I came here for.

He's opening the canister.

The sand's radioactive.

Let's get out of here!

- What about your friend?
- Peter?

Don't worry. He can take care of himself.

Once I absorb this Martian soil,

I'll be ten times as powerful as I am now.

Done.

Now nothing can stop me,

not even that meddlesome web-slinger.

Boy, did I take a wrong turn.

These Everglades are getting
spookier and spookier.

Ever get that sinking feeling?

And people call New York a jungle?

Web-sh**ter, don't fail me now.

Uh-huh.

Well, that leaves me one choice.

[growling]

[growling]

Don't take this personal,

but I think it's time I put
some distance between us.

Uh-oh.

I have a feeling
I'm being invited to dinner

as the main course.

I've got one chance,

if I can get this blasted
web sh**ter to work.

Come on

do it now.

[laughing]

Who do you think you're staring at,
the Unknown Comic?

Well, home at last.

Boy, I'll never tear up a paper bag again.

Can't afford any more slip-ups.
I'm down to my last Spidey suit.

Yoo-hoo! Peter!

Is that you? I didn't hear you come in.

Aunt May.

Coming.

Oh, hi, Aunt May.

Petey, it's a wonder

how you manage to sneak in the way you do.

- How was Florida?
- Oh, great.

That's nice.

I came up here to tell you
it's chilly outside,

and I want yo to wear a sweater.

Uh, Aunt May, uh...

Just be a good boy.

You know how easily you catch cold.

Uh, right, Aunt May.
Thanks for reminding me.

That's a good boy.

Now I won't worry so much about you, dear.

Oh, yes. This telegram
just arrived for you.

Better read it, dear.
It looks important.

"To Peter Parker, you are requested
to attend a disciplinary meeting

this afternoon at 4:00 p.m.

Failure to attend will mean
immediate dismissal from school.

Signed, the school board."

Oh, no. Four o'clock.

The only way I'll ever make it in time
is by the web express.

Next up, First City Bank.

Hey, where's that sand storm coming from
in the middle of the city?

Now it's over.

They never suspected it was the Sandman
who slipped into their armored truck.

This cash is peanuts

compared to the millions
in the First City Bank.

Now it's time to turn this money bag
into a sand bag.

Here are the new bills
you ordered from the Federal Reserve.

What do you mean, new bills?
That's sand.

Correction. It's the Sandman.

Look out! Get back! He's radioactive!

This is Bronx guard number ten.

The Sandman is robbing
the First National Bank!

As if I didn't have enough
trouble with Sandman,

now I've got the school board on my back.

And I don't even know why.

Yipes! I just remembered.

I left my closet door open.

If Aunt May sees
my Spidey suit hanging there.

Oh, no. My spider sense is tingling.

Can't worry about Aunt May
and the school board now.

At least I can stop wondering
what Sandman's up to.

Those poor cops don't know
what they're in for.

[policeman] Freeze, Sandman!

Put your hands up and surrender!

Whatever you say, gentlemen.

It's a lead-lined cell for you, Sandman.

Fools. Observe.

It's time you learned

the full power of the new
radioactive Sandman.

There's one guy
who's really too hot to handle.

Spider-Man?

It's nice of you to remember.

But you can call me Spidey.

Can't you get it through your
thick skull, web-brain?

I'm invincible.

Nothing you do can stop me.

I was hoping I wouldn't
have to do this, dust breath,

but you leave me no choice.

Hey. What's happening?

I feel so weak and

dizzy.

That's the idea, web-head,

thanks to the radioactivity I absorbed
from that Martian soil.

Ah. Even a spider would get a shock
from a million volts of electricity.

So long, web-head, and I do mean so long!

[grunts]

Can't activate my web sh**ter.

Too weak.

Too weak.

[electricity crackling]

If only I can get the top
off this spare cartridge of web fluid.

Good thing my web fluid's rubber-based.

Otherwise I'd have gotten
quite a jolt up there.

I'll say. There's a million volts
in that line.

Well, thanks again.

I guess I've lost a Sandman,

but maybe there's still time
to get to the school board meeting

before I get kicked out of college.

Yipes. I've only got 15 minutes
to make it across town.

[man through police radio]
Attention. Attention, all units.

Sandman has just been spotted
at Broadway and Main.

One of these days I'm gonna wise up
and chase girls instead of crooks.

Trapped in a dead end.

But that's no problem for the Sandman.

He's escaping.

But at least I can snag the money.

It's not so hard to get your hands
on some money.

Look, it's Spider-Man,
and he's got the loot.

He must be in cahoots with the Sandman.

Hey, that's a fine way to talk

about your friendly
neighborhood web-slinger.

Come on now, Spider-Man.
We just want to ask you a few questions.

Keep the change, boys.

Sandman escaped through a subway grating.

Maybe I can still catch him.

Doesn't make sense.

He's got to be here somewhere.

I am, stupid. You're standing on me.

Huh?

[Spider-Man] Can't move.

[Sandman]
Naturally. You forgot I can make my body

hard as stone.

It was fun while it lasted, web-head,
but for you the party's over for good!

There. That ought to keep you
nice and cozy

till the next train comes along.

[laughs]

That does it.

I'm canceling my membership
in the Sandman Fan Club.

This blasted city needs more taxis.

Imagine me, J. Jonah Jameson,
publisher of the Daily Bugle,

having to take a subway.

[Spider-Man] Help!

Anybody!

Huh? Sounds like someone's in trouble.

Oh, no. Just my luck.

The one guy to hear me
is old hatchet face.

All right, Spider-Man,

what kind of sneaky trick you up to now?

Uh, hiya, neighbor.

I, uh, wonder if you could spare
a helping hand.

Well, whatever your plan is,
I'm getting a picture of it for the Bugle.

Oh, no. Only Jameson would think
I was doing this on purpose.

[rumbling]

Uh, sorry, lady. This is an emergency.

What? Stop, thief!

Help!

Jameson! This isn't a stunt, you idiot!

This is for real!

You don't fool me, you web-slinger.

Whatever you're up to,
I'm gonna get it on film.

Oh, great. You can pass out snapshots

- at my funeral.
- [rumbling]

A heavy blast of web fluid
is my last chance.

It may make this rail slippery enough

for me to slide on out of here.

- Got it.
- [shutter clicking]

These pictures will be worth a fortune.

Uh...

I knew it was a trick.

Well, thanks for the help, cuddles.

But you can relax.

Your favorite web-slinger
is safe and sound.

[woman] That's him, Officer!

And there's the camera he stole from me!

Okay, you're under arrest, buddy.

You have the right to remain silent.

Silent? Why, I'm J. Jonah Jameson!

I never remained silent in my life!

Take your hands off me, you hear me?

I'm a very close friend
of the chief of police!

I'll report this to your superiors!

You pickle head!

Wow. It's a pleasure
listening to old skinflint

yell at someone else for a change.

But right now, I've only got one minute
till I'm kicked out of school.

Okay, let's get this gold
down to the vault.

Don't strain yourselves, fellas.

Let me help lighten your load.

Sandman!

The one and only.

[policemen shout]

Oh, no. It's the Sandman.

Looks like I'll never get
to that school board meeting.

And I've still got to get
my closet door shut

before Aunt May finds
my extra Spidey suit.

It's days like this
that make me wish I'd stayed in bed.

Hiya, Sandy.

This a private bus, or can anybody ride?

[stuttering] But, but you're dead.

As the man once said,

the reports of my death
have been greatly exaggerated.

Well, this time they'll come true.

[gasps]

You haven't seen the last of me!

Now that gives me an idea.

Let's just hope old sand-head
wants the gold bad enough

to follow me into my trap.

You fool! Do you really think
you can outrun the Sandman?

This is one way to launder money.

This is it, web-slinger.
Now none of your tricks will save you.

I've got you now.

A little sand, a bag of cement,

a dash of water,

and presto!

Get ready, web-head.

I'm going to teach you
a lesson you'll never forget.

Hey, what's going on?

I can't move.

That's the idea, cement-head.

Why do you think I led you
into the cement mixer?

I'll leave you and the gold
for the police to deal with.

I'm already late
for a very important date.

Excuse me. This will only take a minute.

There. The priceless Martian soil sample
is safe again.

Now to try and get Peter Parker
back into school.

Now, Miss Beaumont, you say

that when Sandman
and Spider-Man showed up,

Peter Parker disappeared
and left you totally helpless?

Why, yes, indeedie.

He just left me completely helpless.

That's a very serious charge.

And since Mr. Parker evidently
refuses to defend himself,

I'm afraid I can only rule that...

Spider-Man!

Excuse me for busting in
on your party like this,

but Peter Parker has been
unavoidably detained

and asked me to drop off
the Martian soil sample

which he helped me save.

Peter Parker helped you, Spider-Man?

Now, don't y'all listen to him!

Peter Parker is nothing but a big coward.

And Peter asked me
to give you these, too.

Hmm. Thank you, Spider-Man.

Based on this evidence,

all charges against
Peter Parker are dropped.

But as for you, Miss Beaumont...

Now all I've got to worry about

is locking my closet door
before Aunt May peeks in.

Oh, my. Peter left
his closet door unlocked.

Hmm. I've always wondered.

Why...

What in the world!

Uh, what's wrong, Aunt May?

Peter! I don't believe it.

You're not friends with that
awful Spider-Man, are you?

Perish the thought, Aunt May.

I just couldn't decide
which outfit to wear

to the school costume party
to wear next week.

Mercy sakes, you had me worried.

Hmm. Wear the Hulk suit, dear.

He's much more attractive.

[both laughing]

Whew.

[closing theme music playing]