01x03 - Lizards, Lizards, Everywhere

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

[narrator] Spider-Man.

[inaudible speaking]

[meow]

[inaudible speaking]

[growling]

[narrator] Spider-Man.

If I'm going to get my photos
to The Daily Bugle

before the afternoon deadline,

I'd better shake my spider webs.

I better take the short cut
over Central Park Zoo.

Look out! They're coming!

Run, run for your life!

The animals are out!

[hissing]

Uh-oh, looks like my photos
will have to wait.

There's trouble in the zoo.

Out of my way!

[people screaming]

Hold it, folks.
Have no fear, Spidey's here.

Gee, don't everyone thank me at once.

[boy screaming] Mommy, help!

Well, I ain't no mommy,
but I know a cry for help when I hear one.

Help!

[growls]

- [growling]
- See ya later, alligator.

[reptiles hissing and growling]

Let's see. A well-placed spider line
should handle those snakes.

[sneezes] Oh, great.
Hope I'm not catching a cold.

What are you waiting for,
Spider-Man? Do something.

Sheesh. [Sniffling]

Least you could say is gesundheit.

There, that should hold
those slimy reptiles.

[panting and growling]

Hmm, either my stomach's growling,

or there's an awfully big gorilla
standing behind me.

Oh, well, at least my stomach's okay.

- [growls]
- Whoa!

Uh, something tells me that
inside that gorilla suit

there's a gorilla.

- [grunts]
- [seal barking]

Huh, I always knew
I had a fan club somewhere.

Listen, handsome,

what do you say you and I take
a stroll back to your cage

and Uncle Spidey will tuck you in.

- [growls]
- Guess who.

Look, if that was an imitation
of the Hulk, you're way off.

[growling]

And that takes care of the animals.

[sneezes] Oh, no!

The snakes and lizards are gone,
and so are the alligators.

[sneezes, sniffs]

I got to get to a drug store
and get something for this sneezing.

I'll hunt for those rollicking reptiles
on the way.

[hissing] That scrawny web-slinger.

[hissing]

He's too late to stop me now.

Before this day is through,
I'll transform New York City

into a jungle overrun-ed
with wild reptiles.

All of them controlled by me...

The Lizard!

Soon, my little friends,

I'll unleash you on the populous
of New York City.

But first,

I have work to do in the subway.

Brooklyn express, now boarding!

- It's the Lizard!
- Look!

- Let's get out of here!
- Somebody call the cops!

- [hissing] Out of my way, scoot!
- Ah.

Hey, that creepy lizard
just stole the subway!

Now, to derail this train
and block off the tunnel.

[tires squeaking]

[thud]

Excellent! Now all I do is

block off the other end of the tunnel,
and I'll have the perfect place

to breed an army of reptiles.

It won't be long now.

[hissing]

[sneezing]

No sign of those reptiles anywhere.

Ah, there's a drug store.

[sneezing]

What's the trouble, Spider-Man?

No trouble. I just need something
for this blasted sneezing.

Uh, yeah, well...

There's some cold remedies
on the shelf over there.

Thanks, I'll just grab a bottle.

[sneezing]

This sneezing is the pits.

It's making old Spidey
look like Super Klutz.

[Man] Quick, somebody help! Police!

The Lizard!

He's taken over the subway!

Uh-oh...

Looks like my sneezing will have to wait.

[people clamoring]

Gangway, folks. Help is on its way.

[people screaming]

Jumping J. Jonah Jameson!

That subway train's
headed for a collision.

Hi-h*, Spidey, away!

I won't be needing you anymore.

There. Any second now,
this train will derail,

like the first.

- [people screaming]
- The train's gone wild!

- We're gonna crash!
- Do something!

Hang in there, folks... [sneezes]

- Old Spidey will save you.
- Just a minute there, buster!

Hasn't anyone ever taught you
to use a hanky when you sneeze?

Don't spread your spider germs around us.

Uh, excuse me, lady... [sneezes]
but if you don't let me by,

you're going to have a lot more
to worry about than a couple of germs.

Don't you get fresh with me,
you disrespectful insect!

Why, I'll...

[muffled screaming]

No disrespect intended, ma'am,
but I've got a wild train to stop.

If I can uncouple this lead car,
those passengers will be safe.

This train's got one reckless engineer.

But the old web-slinger
will straighten him out.

All right, pal.

You can't stop me, Spider-Man.

- You're doomed!
- Yeah, sure, sure.

Every time I turn around,
somebody's gonna doom me. [Grunts]

You're no match
for my reptilian strength, web-slinger.

Listen, scale-face,

no one gives Spidey the boot
and gets away with it.

Here's a double-knit spider suit for you,

compliments of your friendly
neighborhood Spider-Man.

Oh, no! [Sneezes]

Where in spider heaven is the brake lever?

Anchors away!

This baby better stop soon

or I'm gonna be one
flat-footed wall crawler.

You're wasting your time, Spider-Man!

Have you forgotten
that spiders are nothing but lizard food!

[hissing]

[grunts]

[thud]

The lizard sealed himself off in a portion
of the subway tunnel.

[sniffles]

As soon as I find out
what that slimy lizard is up to,

I got to get to a doctor.

Hey, that finger under the nose stuff
really works.

[sneezes]

Now that this tunnel is sealed off,

with my reptilian telepathy,

I'll summon the beasts from my lab.

Come, my friends,
to your new breeding grounds.

There, soon there will be
thousands of you,

and New York will be ours!

[grunting]

At this rate, I'll never
get through this rock.

I need a bigger shovel.

Now, that's more like it.

[sneezes]

Oh, boy this sneezing's...

[sneezes]

Getting worse by the minute.

- Oh, no! Thousands of reptile eggs...
- [growling]

ready to hatch at any moment.

And I've got a snea... a snea...

[sneezes]

Sneaking suspicion
I know who's behind all this.

No doubt your suspicions
are correct, Spider-Man.

But there's no need
to worry about these eggs,

because you won't live to see them hatch.

Destroy him!

[reptiles hissing]

- [hissing]
- Your time is up, Spider-Man.

You're about to make an excellent meal
for my friends here.

No kidding. I didn't even know
I could cook.

[hissing]

That's far enough, fellas.

I'm afraid old Spidey's
gonna have to spoil your party.

Oh, wonderful, I picked a great time
to run out of web fluid.

It's a good thing I always carry
my quick refill cartridges.

[sneezes]

Oh, no! My web fluid's
stuck me to the ground.

Not even Spidey can unstick
that much super-goop.

Looks like I've got only one chance left.

[grunts]

No! Don't let him get away!

Now, remember, guys.
Don't forget to brush after chewing.

Okay, lizard lips.

[sneezes] I'm taking care of you next.

Sheesh, that guy really packs a wallop.

We ought to sign him up with the Yankees.

Forget it, Lizzie!

You can't outrun the old super-swinger.

Gee! I sure wish I knew how lizards
get themselves into these small cracks.

Oh, well, the way
he hightailed it out of here,

I doubt if we'll be having
any more trouble from him.

[sneezes]

So, that web-weaving half-wit
thinks I'm through, does he?

[hissing]

[sneezes]

That does it.

[sneezes] This sneezing's gone far enough.

I'm heading for the nearest doctor.

This radioactive weather control device

will complete the final phase of my plan.

With this, I'll turn New York
into a steaming jungle

and my newly hatched reptiles

will drive the inferior humans
from the city.

[sneezes]

Oh, my aching sinuses.

I've got to get to a doctor
before I sneeze my brains out.

[sneezes]

Wonder if I ought to see the doc
as Spidey or Peter Parker.

Hmm... if he checks
my blood as Peter Parker

and finds it type S, for spider,

that sort of blows it for Peter.

Well

looks like Spidey's going
to get his first check-up.

[sneezes]

Excuse me, uh, I'd like to see the doctor.

- Your name?
- Spider-Man. [Sneezes]

- How do you spell that?
- A-C-H-O-O.

Hmm, interesting last name.

Have a seat. The doctor will be with you
in a few minutes.

What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen
a sick Spider-Man before?

It's done.
Now, all I have to do is turn it on

and the transformation of New York
will be irreversible.

[thunder rumbling]

[hissing]

All is going according to plan.

Now to hatch the reptile eggs.

[hissing]

[woman] Get out of the streets!

[man] The city's being overrun
by snakes and alligators!

Take cover!

Mr. Spider-Man,
the doctor will see you now.

Hmm, you, uh,

you have a real strong heart, Spider-Man.

Thanks, do... [sneezes]

Uh, I better check

your throat for any signs of infection.

Say, ah.

Ah...

Uh, you'll have to take off your mask

if I'm going to examine you properly.

Forget it, doc. My true identity
is a well-kept secret.

Who knows?
You might recognize my tonsils.

Uh, well...

At least I can check your pulse.

Careful! That's my web sh**ter.

Hey, stop fooling around, doc.

[sneezes]

You got to do something for this sneezing.

Well, you don't seem
to have a cold, Spider-Man.

So I'm going to have to run
a complete allergy test.

Uh, are you sure that's necessary, doc?

I mean, couldn't I just
take a couple of Aspirin

and call you in the morning?

Don't be frightened, Spider-Man.
This won't hurt a bit.

Yeah, that's what The Hulk said
just before he threw me off

the Empire State Building.

[people clamoring]

Uh-oh! [Sneezes]

Sounds like trouble.

Guess I'll have to take
a rain check on that hypo.

Go...

Drive the people from the city!

Oh, no!

[growling]

Uh-oh. [Sneezes]

That cabbie's in trouble.

Come on. [Sneezes]

- Let's get out of here.
- Gee, Spider-Man.

Thanks for picking me up.

No problem, but it'll cost you
two bucks a mile,

and I only carry $5 in change.

Hey, quick! Into that alley up ahead.

It's a dead end. We're trapped!

[growling]

Spider-Man! Hey, do something, quick!

Sheesh. I drop by to save your lives
and already you're rushing me.

[growling]

Thanks, Spidey! Hey, you were great, man.

Nah, that was just average.
If it was great, you'd be applauding.

Somebody, call the police!

I'd recognize that
irritating scream anywhere.

It's J. Jonah...

[sneezes]

Jameson.

- Call the army! Call my lawyer!
- [growling]

Well, well...

[sneezes]

If it isn't J.J. himself.

Looks like I've interrupted
an important meeting.

I guess I'll come back later.

No, no, no. Don't go!

I'll take back all the bad things
I've ever said about you.

Just help me, Spider-Man!

You mean you'll print
a full-page retraction

telling everybody what a great guy I am?

But... but I'd be
the laughing stock of New York!

You're right, J.J.
It's not worth it. See you later.

No, no! Okay, okay.

Just get me out of here.

[grunts, chuckles]

I tricked you, web-head.
I'm gonna run a story all right,

telling everyone just what sort of
a criminal you are.

No, you didn't trick me, J. J.

If you'd have kept your promise,
that would have been the real surprise.

And now, if you'll excuse me...

[sneezes] I've got a lizard to catch.

Let's see, if I were a lizard,
where would I go?

That's simple. I'd go destroy Spider-Man.

Hey, that's me.

[Lizard] Brilliant deduction, web-brain.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Nice try, Lizard,

but you'll have to do better than that
if you want to get rid of me.

No problem, Spider-Man.

Perhaps you've forgotten
that lizards can grow new tails!

I got to be honest.

I forgot.

Now, if I can just alter the frequency
coming out of this radio antenna,

I may be able to jam
the Lizard's reptile telepathy.

No! He's jamming my thoughts.

Now you can just make like the pied piper

and we'll lead your squirrelly
friends back to the zoo.

[sneezes]

You can't stop the Lizard
so easily, Spider-Man!

I'll be back.

[hissing]

Well, the Lizard's under wraps.

[sneezes]

I'd better handle this sneezing
once and for all.

Hmm...

Well, doc, what's the verdict?

I, uh, I don't know how
to tell you this, Spider-Man.

You... You have an acute case
of hyper-reptillius allergiosa.

Will I live?

Oh, don't worry, my boy.

It simply means
you're allergic to reptiles.

Oh, is that all?

For a minute, you had me worried.

[sighs]

Now that the Lizard
and his reptiles are gone,

I feel great.

Well, that's fine, Spider-Man.

Oh, by the way

your bill.

Fifty dollars!

I think I'm gonna be sick.

[closing theme song playing]