02x08 - The Armor Wars, Part 1

[bunniefuu]

[LASER g*ns FIRING]

FURY: When the old Soviet Union
busted up,

a lot of their boys in the Cold w*r biz
were put out of a job. Most retired.

But there's always a few clowns

who wanna put things back
the way they were,

no matter who has to pay
for the return trip.

Their latest brainstorm,

take over a Russian m*ssile base,
nuke Moscow,

the West gets the blame,
the loonies take over.

Neat little package, huh?

Their not-so-secret weapon,

one unhappy ex-KGB camper
named Crimson Dynamo.

The good guys needed help.

They called S.H.l.E.L.D.
We called Iron Man.

[CRIMSON DYNAMO GRUNTS]

- Iron Man. What are you doing here?
-Don't make me say it. I missed you.

IRON MAN: Smart, Stark. Next
time, paint a bulls-eye on your chest.

You and your pals launch that m*ssile,
you'll start World w*r III.

And from the ashes will arise
a glorious worker's paradise reborn.

Oh, wake up
and smell the borscht, Dynamo.

People don't like rising from ashes.
Drives up dry-cleaning bills.

Contemptuous Western stooge.

HOMER: Excuse me, sir. Given that the
m*ssile beneath you is about to launch,

I would recommend
a quick sucker punch.

IRON MAN: My specialty.

[EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE]

I gave him everything I've got,
plus some, and he's still ticking.

HOMER: Scanning his armor
indicates recent improvements,

designed to withstand
your best efforts.

IRON MAN: Recent improve...
But how?

HOMER: Perhaps we should
table that query until later.

I...

lam...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

HOMER: Evasive action
would be prudent.

I'm trying, HOMER. Chill out.
Refrigeration system override, now.

HOMER: Not to question
your strategy, sir,

but are you certain
that is a heat-seeking m*ssile?

IRON MAN: I am now.
And with any luck,

Crimson Dynamo's suit is
running a lot hotter than mine.

Wait a sec. What's he doing? Dynamo.

[COMPUTERIZED VOICE
COUNTING DOWN]

CRIMSON DYNAMO: I gladly
sacrifice myself

for the glory of the people's cause.

Radiation Armor Mode, now!

[EXCLAIMS]

Although much of the blast
was contained underground,

the expl*si*n spread
a radioactive cloud for miles.

Thousands of Russians
are flooding into area hospitals,

poisoned by radiation.

Much of the blame, and anger,

is focused on a major player
in this tragedy, Iron Man.

FURY: See? The Russian leaders,
like big shots anywhere,

can't admit that
their own people were after them.

Bad for business.

The way they tell it, it was just
two armored yahoos, mano a mano.

And heaven forbid that Nick Fury or
S.H.l.E.L.D. should take responsibility.

S.H.l.E.L.D.? Never heard of them.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here.

Once the dust settled at the blast,

we grabbed what was left
of the Crimson Crispie's armor.

- Why?
-Dynamo's suit

gave your iron-plated cookie jar
a lot more trouble than usual.

We'd like to find out
where he picked up his new tricks.

Okay-

Should be a nice break from all
the screaming for Iron Man's hide.

I'll be in touch. Have fun.

[ELECTRIC DOOR OPENS
AND CLOSES]

Alas, poor Yuri. I knew him...

Well, that's weird.

Why am I always
the bearer of bad news?

Yeah, big bucks, big headaches,
Miss Company Spokesperson.

That means you get to tell Tony
the UN voted to condemn Iron Man.

And I get to keep my head
attached to my neck.

Maybe he's in a good mood.

[CRASHING]

You sure can call them.

No. It can't be.
All those people. All those lives.

[TONY GRUNTS]

Time out, Tone. Game's over.
Fat lady's singing.

What are you doing?

- He is...
-Don't answer, HOMER.

- That's an order.
-Tony, whatever it is, we wanna help.

You can't. It's my problem. My fault.

I have to deal with this, alone.

I've heard that song before.

Come on, come on.
Give the man space to cool down.

- HOMER.
-Yes, Mr. Rhodes?

If Tony decides to redecorate
any other rooms, call us.

You do seem unusually distressed, sir.

Distressed? These are
my own designs.

Someone got a hold of
my armor secrets,

and Crimson Dynamo used them
to help melt half a county.

Interesting. The very technology that
you designed to keep yourself alive...

Is being used to commit atrocities.

Endless opportunities
for t*rror1st misery,

because of what I built.

Ah. You feel guilty.

Yeah, I'm a real whiz.

HOMER, what if Crimson Dynamo
isn't the only one

who got a hold
of the Iron Man technology?

What if there are others? Lots of others.

JIM: This isn't what I'd call a good idea.

JULIA: I can't stand waiting to hear
from Tony, any longer.

It's been days.

Man, criminals using his own designs.
No wonder he feels bad.

But what did he go
to his high-priced law boys for?

JULIA: He thought they could help.

Turns out,
Tony was his own worst enemy.

- He didn't patent his Iron Man designs.
-JIM: Why's that?

JULIA: You know, so they wouldn't fall
into the wrong hands.

Patents are
public knowledge, capisci?

JIM: Gotcha. Gotcha.

Any sleazeball could have
looked them up and copied them.

So now Stark Enterprises can't sue,
even if we knew who swiped the stuff.

Tony must've loved that.

JULIA: Yeah, so then one of the
lawyers asked what he plans to do.

- Tony says...
- You don't wanna know.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

- What is it?
-Come on, Tone.

We know what's going on.

Please, go away. I'm busy.

Don't give me that busy crapola.
What happened in Russia was awful,

but you can't just run and hide from it.

You have Stark Enterprises to run,
and a duty to the...

I know my duty.
I know exactly what I have to do.

About what?
If you expect us lined up behind you,

we gotta know what road you're taking.

It's for your own good.

Things go sour this time,
it's best you're not involved.

Well, guess what,
Mr. "I want to be alone,"

we are involved!

[SIGHS]

Don't you ever learn, Tony?
We care about you.

I care about you.
Doesn't that count for anything?

[JULIA EXCLAIMS IN IRRITATION]

- How about letting me drive?
-JULIA: Shut up, Rhodey.

- I have completed the testing, sir.
-TONY: Thanks, HOMER.

These Negator Packs
seem to do a pretty good job

of disabling my stolen technology.

Generate a list
of every known armored warrior.

Everybody gets a personally delivered
gift box, courtesy of Iron Man.

I regret to say that I had anticipated
the inexorable logic

of such a course of action.

Here are your targets.

RECEPTIONIST: Hi, welcome

to the Center
for the Achievement of Eternal Bliss.

- Can I help you attain spiritual nirvana?
-TONY: Tempting offer.

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me. Hello? Yes?
No, I'm sorry. Peace.

[SNEEZES]

Sir? Sir?

Nice timing on the phone call, HOMER.

HOMER: I exist to serve.
What is your next move, sir?

Meeting the Bliss boss.

A mind-control disk.

HOMER: Based, I posit,
on the technology

that allows you to
mentally operate your armor.

Just what I'd expect
from Mr. Top Of The List,

The Controller.

[WOMAN EXCLAIMS IN FEAR]

No.

Oh, wrong room.
Brain-washing is in 4A.

[WALL BREAKING]

IRON MAN: Well, well, well.
The Controller.

I thought this smelled like
your usual, sleazy style.

Yes, lovely little scam, isn't it?

Rich, overworked executives
flock to my spa,

and after contact
with their inner selves,

they all feel compelled to transfer
their financial assets to me.

[LAUGHS] Have you come to join us
on our journey?

Not at those prices.

You always had lousy karma.

Remove Iron Man
from our peaceful sanctuary,

in pieces.

THE CONTROLLER: Destroy Iron Man.
He is a disbeliever.

HOMER: Use restraint, sir.

These people are unwitting tools
of The Controller's will.

They are not inherently evil.

IRON MAN: They're doing a heck
of a good job faking it.

Pretty sad, Controller,

sending your cabana boys
to do your dirty work.

You dare mock me?

You heard me, Maharishi Lowlife.

You're not only a thief and a swindler,
but a coward, as well.

Your mother must be so proud.

THE CONTROLLER: I will not tolerate
such disrespect.

You will obey me.

IRON MAN: Only if I get a dog biscuit.

[THE CONTROLLER GROANS]

Obey me.

Christmas in July, sl*ve-maker.
Obey this.

[SCREAMING]

Electricity and water, not a good mix.

HOMER, remind me to apply
all future Negators

after the subject has had his bath.

Now, a special item,
donated to our annual patrons' auction

by renowned industrialist Tony Stark.

What are my bids
for the fabulous Tibetan diamond?

[SPECTATORS GASPING]

[CHUCKLING] Where's your security?

Don't you know anybody can fly in
and steal this thing?

IRON MAN: Sorry, Beetle,
but you're in for a hard day's night.

Now it's up to me

to help you
check into Sing Sing Roach Hotel.

Permanently.

[BEETLE GROANS]



Gotta get that fixed.

[METALLIC CLANKING]

Yo. Hey, I'm standing here.

Iron Man.

Drilling Armor.

[STILT MAN EXCLAIMING
IN SURPRISE]

Stilt Man, looks like
you don't have a leg to stand on.

Sit nice and quietly,
and you'll live to tell your kids

about being skyjacked
by Blizzard and Blacklash

in their fancy, new, black market,
armored long johns.

Now, take us to these coordinates.
Hey. Where did Blacklash go?

[ON HEADSET] Captain,
this is Iron Man speaking.

When you hear three, duck.

One, two, three.

Iron Man's unsanctioned
vendetta continues.

Public outrage at his disregard
for the safety of innocent bystanders

and his contempt
for citizens' civil rights is growing.

[CHUCKLES] This is going
exactly as I planned.

THE GHOST: Now, now, Mr. Hammer.
Surely I deserve some of the credit?

[EXCLAIMS] The elusive Ghost.

True enough,
you did use your unique talent

for penetrating secure areas

to appropriate the data
from Stark Enterprises.

But it was I who had
the invaluable network of connections

to sell Iron Man's secrets
to his enemies.

Whatever. You take the credit,
I'll take the cash.

That's the way creativity works.

Alas, I find myself
without cash right now,

but I'll be delighted
to write you a check.

I don't take checks.

I supposed it would be
rather hard for you

to show two forms of ID.

What will you do when Stark traces

the stolen Iron Man technology
back to you?

Not a thing. He has no proof it's his.

Hope you're half as smart
as you think you are.

His tin man will come for you.

Insubstantial fool.
I want Iron Man to attack me.

Each and every time
that tin tank lashes out,

he chips away at his own good name.

After Iron Man is neutralized
by his own actions,

Stark Enterprises will crumble.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

HOMER: Sir,
may I ask what you're doing?

Helping the folks inside that cave
relieve a little stress with a short siesta.

Sir, the Vault is a high-security prison
for super-criminals,

like your recent contributions,
Whirlwind and Blacklash.

The elite unit watching them,
known as The Mandroids,

are federal employees. The good guys.

IRON MAN: True enough, HOMER,
but like it or not,

the Mandroids' armor may have been
upgraded with my new designs.

I have to negate them, too.

HOMER: Sir, you must reconsider
this action.

IRON MAN: My design, my call.
No exceptions. I'm going in hard.

HOMER: Excuse me, sir, but if the
Mandroids do have armor like yours,

aren't they immune
to your sleep gas attack?

It's like going fishing, HOMER.
Gotta risk some good bait.

What do you know? I just got a bite.

HAWKEYE: Okay, old friend.

It's time someone put a stop
to your little public hissy fits.

[CHUCKLES]

Lucky me. I've been elected.

I can read you like a book, Shellhead.

Figured out your game,
made a list of likely targets.

Bingo. Hit the jackpot.

Why aren't you
with the Force Works, Hawkeye?

Took a leave of absence.

Just like you've taken leave
of your senses.

- Care to talk about it?
-Not really.

Figured you'd say that, too.

Good aim. Bad ordnance.

No. Look out for his...

It's just you and me, Iron Man.
Like I've always wanted.

Don't get in my way, Hawk.

I started something that I have to finish.

Oh, it's finished, all right.

[SCREAMS]

Nice shot.

Hawkeye, please believe me. I'm sorry.

If you think kissing up will cut it,

-you're crazy.
-Crazy?

That's entirely possible.

[GROANS]

JIM: Fury, I'm telling you, man,
he's not here.

Don't feed me that front office garbage.

I'm gonna see Stark, and I mean now.

All right, Fury. What gives you
the right to just bust in here?

Lady, I'm an officer
of the United States government,

sworn to uphold the Constitution
and the Bill of Rights.

- JIM: Which means?
-That I can bust in anywhere I want.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[TONY CLEARING THROAT]

Who's winning?

Hello, Fury.
What bug crawled up your...

It's about Iron Man,
as if you didn't know.

What's he done now?

Just busted up a bunch of federal men,
for no reason.

Top-level Mandroids
with chicken-fried armor.

Totally useless.

Yeah, Mr. Machine's
definitely out of control.

I'll have a talk with him.

We're past talking, pal.

You shut down Iron Man,

or S.H.l.E.L.D. will shut down
Stark Enterprises. Period.

- You can't do that.
-FURY: Think about it, Stark.

And think fast.

You heard Secret Agent Man.

As long as the world sees Iron Man
as our corporate symbol,

they're gonna blame Stark Enterprises
for every whacked-out stunt you do.

You're right. Which leaves me
with only one thing to do.

[REPORTERS CHATTERING]

Tony give you any clue why he called
this First Amendment feeding frenzy?

[SCOFFS] You kidding?
Why should this time be any different?

Ladies and gentlemen of the...

[GROANING]

Jim, his heart.

It's all the stinking pressure
he's put on himself.

As you know, my employee, Iron Man,

has embarked
on some kind of vendetta.

He has refused to explain his behavior.

He has treated his friends in a way
that's inexcusable.

And now I must report
that Iron Man has fled.

He is a fugitive from justice.

REPORTER 1: Wait a minute.
REPORTER 2: Wait...

REPORTER 3: Where did he go?

Therefore, effective immediately,

I'm terminating Iron Man's
employment by Stark Enterprises.

[ALL GASPING]

To put it simply, he's fired.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

You lousy, lying...

[PANTING]

Blast this heart of mine.

This lone hero stuff
hasn't done it any good.

JULIA: Stark. Anthony Stark.

Julia? Come inside, you'll catch cold.

Oh, stop pretending to be considerate.
You're not very good at it.

What does that mean?

I mean that whole press conference bit.

I mean firing yourself. Please.

I thought it would make things easier
for Stark Enterprises.

I thought it would
take the pressure off you.

No, no, you thought it would
take the pressure off you.

Well, you can lie in public all you want,
but don't lie to me.

Why do you always
push away the people

who care the most about you?

Even Rhodey deserves better than this.
And me.

After jerking me around at
what was supposed to be our wedding,

I would think I deserve maybe
just a little consideration.

A little trust. But no.

[SNIFFLING]

All this pain. I mean, whatever it is
that you think you're doing,

is it worth it? Really worth it?

I don't know.

JULIA: Why won't you talk to me?

If we ever meant
anything to each other,

do not shut me out.

Tony? Tony?

Tony?

I am...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

'