02x12 - Opening Night

[bunniefuu]

NORMAN: The vault will soon be

the pinnacle of ultra-maximum

security incarceration.

Put a supervillain

in here and, trust me,

he's never getting out.

Music to my ears,

Osborn.

Now that we're finally

putting this reprobate

behind bars,

I don't want him

seeing the light of day

any time soon.

You don't have

to take quite so much

pleasure in this, Jonah.

Oh, but I do.

I really, really do.

[BUTTON BEEPING]

[CHAINS JINGLING]

Livin' on the edge

Fighting crime

Spinning webs

Swingin' from

the highest ledge

He could leap

above our heads

Villains on the rise

And the city's victimized

Looking up

with no surprise

Arriving

in the speed of time

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Spectacular

Spectacular Spider-Man

Wow, haven't been in stir

five minutes and already

I'm climbing the walls.

[CHUCKLING] Get it?

No? No love?

Fine. Just remember,

I'm only here 'cause

Normikins asked

me to test

the vault's security.

So, if you're watching,

and I know you are,

Picklepuss,

[GROWLING] don't get any ideas.

Delivery. Yet another

OsCorp sensor system

for the vault.

All right.

Everything seems in order.

You, uh, know where to go?

I do, indeed.

Never thought

I'd find myself

busting into prison.

DEVEREAUX: One hour!

Curtain in one hour!

Oh, my cast

is battling stage fright.

And their director's

battling stage panic.

Where is my Puck? [PHONE RINGING]

Where is Harry Osborn? Working on it.

Oh. Hello, Gwen?

Hey, it's MJ.

Have you seen Harry?

His butler said he left

home hours ago,

but he's beyond late

and he's not answering

his Osberry.

Sorry, I haven't

seen him all day.

But he's so excited

about the show.

I'm sure he'll be there.

[PHONE RINGING] VOICEMAIL: It's Pete.

Message me.

Hi, Petey. Just a little

reminder about the play.

Since Mark,

uh, can't be here,

I really need

a friendly face in

the seat I saved you.

Next to my parents?

Remember, you,

uh, promised.

DEVEREAUX:

Where is my Puck!

Oh, and call

if you've seen Harry.

COMPUTER VOICE: Alarm

bypassed for maintenance.

[SIZZLING]

All right, little stolen

Osberry, do your stuff.

COMPUTER VOICE:

Mapping vault utilities.

Charting junctures

with pre-existing prison.

If breaking out

is this easy,

then little Felicia

will be one felicitous

felonious feline.

[JONAH CACKLING]

He's been like

that for over an hour.

You got him beat, Osborn.[PHONE RINGING]

[BUTTON BEEPING] Menken, I'm in the middle

of a crucial test here.

What? Fine.[BUTTON BEEPING]

Gentlemen You can't leave now.

You'll miss

the web-head's

glorious humiliation!

No choice.

Urgent OsCorp business.

Besides,

I'm sure I'll read

all about Spider-Man

in tomorrow's Bugle.

Story's already written, Norm.

Jonah must be

dancing a jig by now.

And who can blame him?

I've checked every

inch of this cell.

It's seamless.

I want the vault

to be escape-proof.

But,

it sure would be sweet to see

the look on the Jolly One's

face if I escaped.

I can't play

jailbird forever, though.

In a few minutes,

I'll either have

to make my move

or ask to be released.

If I miss Liz's play,

I might as well settle

in here permanently.

'Cause I'll never

get out of the doghouse.

Hello, Mr. Allan.

Mrs. Allan.

Hmm, I see

Liz's boyfriend

hasn't arrived.

Ms. Stacy. Oh, Houseman.

I thought Harry saved

these seats for

his mom and dad.

I'm afraid

Master Harry's parents

are otherwise occupied.

[SIGHING] I just hope

Harry isn't otherwise

occupied.

DEVEREAUX:

Mr. Osborn's

still a no-show.

Which leaves us

with only one option:

I must play

the Puck myself!

Or Hobie could do it.

Mr. Brown?

He knows the role?

He knows it cold.

I saw him play it at the

Lincoln Dynamic Youth Center.

Plus he subbed

for Osborn on

the gridiron.

Compared to that,

this'll be a snap.

A snap, hmm

Well, the muses know

I didn't want

to take the stage.

To the dressing room, Brown!

You are now that

"shrewd and knavish

sprite." Go!

What's he up to? He's making his move.

What move?

He still can't get out.

And my men will

Be here any second.

Gotta book.

[expl*si*n] MAN: Releasing

tranq-gas into the cell.

We're in position. [BUTTON BEEPING]

Sir, I don't see

the prisoner.

Opening the inner door!

Move in!

Wha[BOTH GRUNTING]

All right, Spidey,

we know you're in there.

I wouldn't poke

that if I were you.

[BOTH GASPING, COUGHING]

Told 'em not to poke that.

Oh, and Picklepuss?

Ta-da!

[SPUTTERING] Warden,

if the web-head's

not back behind bars

in 6.2 seconds, I'llCalm down, Jameson.

Getting out of

the cell was only

half the battle.

Lockdown!

Gas every corridor.

Sir, the gas,

it won't activate.

Why isn't that gate closed?

What part of "lockdown"

didn't you understand?

Sir, I hit the command

sequence. All vault gates

should be closed.

Nothing's responding. You've been hacked, Warden.

Your men are no longer

in electronic control

of the prison.

Then we'll regain control

the old fashioned way.

All officers, mobilize.

Code Red.

[BUTTONS BEEPING] We're locked in!

[MEN GRUNTING, STRUGGLING]

Every single one of

my men are trapped

inside their stations.

[SPUTTERING] But, but

How did the web-head do it?

[BUTTONS BEEPING]

With guards wrapped up

all neat and tidy,

I help,

or herd,

my dear friend Spidey.

I'm in a rhyming mood tonight.

Surprised they haven't

caught me yet.

[BUTTONS BEEPING]

This must be my floor.

[GRUNTING]

PRISONER: Hey, look.

It's Spider-Man!

Well, if it isn't Fancy Dan

and his little pal Ox.

[CHUCKLING]

Where's Montana? MONTANA: Right here, bug.

And rooming with

the not-so-mysterious

Mysterio, I see.

How's that working out

for you?

Open up these here

cell doors, and

we'll show ya.

Tempting, tempting,

but no.

So you just

stopped by to gloat?

Well, I was

in the neighborhood.

So how could

I resist tormenting

all the crooks,

th*gs and hoods

I put away? [CACKLING]

[BUTTON BEEPING] [GATES OPENING]

You know, maybe "torment"

was a poor choice of words.

Finally, we're

getting started.

Godspeed, fair Helena.

Call you me fair?

That fair again unsay!

Demetrius loves your fair

O, teach me with what art

you sway the motion

of Demetrius' heart.

MARY JANE: Take comfort.

He no more shall

see my face

Take him! He can't

stop all of us!

Now, now, boys,

no pushing, no shoving.

Single file is

the polite way

to attack the hero.

[YELLING]

Gracious. Who'd have

guessed convicted felons

could be so unmannerly?

We're wasting

an opportunity.

Enforcers, we need

to get organized!

You got yourself

a posse, Silvermane.

And then some.

See, you learn a lot

about a guy sharing a cell [BUTTON BEEPING]

Like whether

or not he's human.

Ah, man, I knew

he was a bot!

Now, we're gettin' somewhere.

Now what? Hi, Daddy.

SPIDER-MAN: Not sure why

the cavalry hasn't arrived,

but I better play keep away

until I come up with,

I don't know, a plan?

Rematch, rematch!The web-head,

we'll shred.

Johnny needs new shoes!

I hate these guys!

[CREATURES SQUEAKING]JAMESON: I love these guys.

Someone should

give 'em their

own show!

Jonah, you can't

seriously be rooting

against Spider-Man.

He's our only hope

of regaining control

of the prison.

Well? I'm thinking,

I'm thinking.

Felicia Hardy,

what were you thinking?

That my father shouldn't

be rotting away in prison.

And what if

you got caught?

The last thing I want

is my daughter winding up

in Rykers Ladies Wing.

Besides, your timing

couldn't be worse.

New York's Most Wanted

currently controls the prison

and they're trying

to exterminate

Spider-Man.

Spider-Man? Here?

[CREATURES SQUEAKING]

Missed. Drat!

Jazz hands!

Knew tearin' and weavin'

all them sheets together

was time well spent.

Spider-sense

tingling non-stop.

Can't grok where

the next [FOOTSTEPS]

[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

Hold him, Ox.

I need the workout.

Oh, boys?

Is Spidey really

the best dance

partner available?

Felicia, have you

lost your mind,

or just forgotten

everything I ever

taught you?

What can I say?

I've got a little crush.

It's a chick.

Here.

Brilliant deduction,

Sherlock!

What was your

first clue, Spidey?

The voice, the hair,

or just the way

I make you feel?

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

The door'sfighting me.

That'll buy us

some time at least.

FLASH: The raging rocks,

and shivering shocks,

shall break the locks

of prison-gates!

We will meet,

and there we may rehearse

most obscenely

and courageously.

[GASPS] Take pains,

be perfect Adieu!

How now, spirit!

Whither wander you?

Over hill, over dale,

through bush, through briar.

Over park, over pale,

through flood, through fire.

I do wander everywhere,

swifter than

the moon's sphere.

But either

I mistake your shape

and making quite

or else you are

that shrewd

and knavish sprite.

Are you not he

that frights the maidens

of the villagery?

Misleads night-wanderers,

laughing at their harm?

Those that goblin

call you,

and sweet Puck.

Are you not he?

Thou speak'st aright.

I am that merry

wanderer of the night.

So Goblin wasn't

the only sprite

to use the vault

for mischief tonight.

But if Spider thinks

Cat evens his odds

Gobby'll open

a few more pods.

Okay, what's going on?

GREEN GOBLIN [ON P.A.]:

The Goblin's your savior.

You owe him a favor.

Spidey's trapped

in the prison.

Put him out of commission.

The web-creep's here?

Why would I do

your dirty work, Goblin?

I'm already in prison!

What else can

you do to me?

GREEN GOBLIN: Oh, just

to be perverse,

I'll activate your curse.

To prevent it getting worse,

put the web-head in a hearse.

SILVERMANE:

Get that cell open now!

Cat, you're a sight

for sore eyes.

My curative powers

aren't limited

to the eyes

Don't start.

What are you doing here?

Oh, you won't like it,

Boy Scout

Cat, don't. But I'm here

to bust out my dad.

Spider-Man,

meet Walter Hardy,

aka the Cat Burglar.

That face

[g*nsh*t]

SPIDER-MAN: Black Cat's

father m*rder*d Uncle Ben.

Ill met by moonlight

And never met we.

But with thy brawls

thou has disturb'd

our sport.

LIZ: As in revenge,

the ox hath therefore

stretch'd his yoke in vain.

Tricky webbing. Sticky webbing.

And tasty, too!

Web-creep in there?

Then move it,

pipsqueak!

[ROARING]

SPIDER-MAN: Just so you know,

there's no way I'm letting

you bust this guy out.

Says the spider

desperate for

the kitty-cat's help.

Not that desperate.

Never that desperate.

Gee, Dad. What'd

you do to this guy?

Do it, kid.

Now.

A simple trade, swinger.

I help you get

the prison

under control,

and you look

the other way

for Walter.

Do you have any idea

what happened

the last time I looked

the other way for Walter?

[CLEARING THROAT]

Is it getting

warm in here?

GLORY: Weaving spiders,

come not here.

Hence you long-legg'd

spinners, hence!

[BRAYING]

[SIGHING] I pray thee,

gentle mortal,

sing again.

Mine ear is much

enamor'd of thy note.

And thy fair virtue's force

doth move me to swear

I love thee.

Methinks, mistress,

you should have

little reason for that.

Uh I beseech

your worship's name?

GLORY: Cobweb.

Where are we? Back in the vault.

These tanks hold

the prison's tranq-gas.

Can you activate them?

Spread the gas

throughout the prison?

Don't you think

the warden would

have tried that?

Sorry, Swinger,

but someone needs to

lure the cons here,

seal them in

and manually open

the tanks.

But whoever did

that would be trapped

inside with

Exactly.

And would a hero

like you allow anyone

else to take that risk?

Shall we their

fond pageant see?

Lord, what fools

these mortals be!

Send the little guy in,

I tell ya.

I only take orders

from primates!

[PARKER CLEARING THROAT]

Any of you misbegotten

malcontents misplace

an extremely

handsome web-slinger?

I think the clever turn

of phrase you're looking

for is, "Get him."

ALL: Get him! Pistachio!

[GREEN GOBLIN GIGGLING]

Up and down, up and down,

I will lead them up and down.

I am fear'd in field and town!

Goblin, lead them up and down.

Can't escape Homunculi! Trapped!

Limited time offer!

SPIDER-MAN: Monsieur Cobweb,

get you your weapons

in your hand.

[SCREECHING] Curses!

CREATURE: Foiled again!

Non sequitur.

Non sequitur! Non

And you guys got

to take the shortcut?

Now how is that fair?

Hey, Molten Man,

bet you can't hit me

from there with a lava ball.

I'll take that bet!

[GROANING]

[SPIDER-MAN CHUCKLING]

Sucker!

Where'd that bug

get to now?

SPIDER-MAN: Ah, I never

tire of hearing that.

Sweet dreams, cellmates.

Is he kidding?

No door stops

Rhino for long.

HARDY:

I won't need long.

[GAS HISSING]

[ENGINE STARTING]

For years, the Cat Burglar

took pride in never

hurting anyone.

I never even carried a g*n.

But as I got older,

I got slower

and I became afraid.

I made a horrible mistake

the night I ended

Ben Parker's life,

and I know I have

to pay for my crime.

So I'll turn on the gas.

That won't make us even.

You're not forgiven.

I understand. Well, I don't!

Dad

HARDY:

I'm sorry, Felicia.

[GAS HISSING][ALL COUGHING]

HARDY: But right now,

prison's where I need to be.

[GROWLING] An entire

penitentiary full

of Spider-haters,

and still he escapes.

Well, fine.

Gobby's done using

surrogate squashers

And rhyme schemes.

[SIGHING] Feels like

my spider-sense is stuck

in permanent tingle-mode.

Whoa!

[GRUNTING]

[GREEN GOBLIN LAUGHING]

He's back.

The Goblin's back.

Cat, thanks. I

Listen carefully.

I don't know what you did

to infect my father with

your stupid conscience.

But it's your fault

he'll spend the rest

of his life in this hole.

And I'll never

forgive you for that.

Sir, we've regained control.

Gotta hand it to Spidey.

He beat the vault

and took out every

con in the place.

It's a conspiracy,

I tell ya! They're all

working together!

Oh, to what end?

[SPUTTERING]

To raise my blood pressure!

HOBIE: If we shadows

have offended,

think but this,

and all is mended.

That you have but

slumber'd here,

while these visions

did appear.

And this weak and idle theme,

no more yielding than a dream.

Else the Puck a liar call.

So goodnight unto you all.

Give me your hands,

if we be friends,

and Goblin shall

restore amends.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]