01x06 - Tight Squeeze

[bunniefuu]

So, except for our
government research project,

there's a shortfall
for this quarter.

Starting today,
expense-account lunches

are limited to one entrée

and a single alcoholic beverage.

Oh...

Johnson...

Good God, man. If you've got
something to say, just say it!

What is that?

Everyone quiet!
Heads down!

Allow me to introduce ourselves.

We are Pterodax,
a name given us affectionately

with a nod to our winged
dinosaur friends.

We fly, we've got tough hides,

and we will snap your heads off

if you make any trouble.

How come I'm missing
all the good stuff?

Right there.

Oh, my God. Get a room!

Peter, stand still.

Is this legal?

Depends on how far they go.

Oh... oh. Would you look
at the time?

I better get to class.

You don't have
another class today.

Then I'll find one.

Trying to be more like you,
Pete.

Hey, the binocs!

Keep them. There's plenty more
where those came from.

I think Harry thinks maybe we
have things to talk about.

I, uh...

uh... uh...

These binocs are pretty,
uh... fly.

Peter, I worry about you.

Right. Well... I know
you'd like me to say more,

but the thing is,

sometimes words
just aren't enough.

Really?
Really.

Well... what would you say
if you did have the words?

Okay, let's see.

I'd say... holy crap!

Uh... I gotta go.

Where?

Chem lab. You know...
It moved across campus.

Gotta run.

The safe is only
for sample items

to display at board meetings.

Samples, indeed.

This safe contains your company's
prototype hyper-diamonds.

The kind that will power your
government's new x-ray lasers.

When I auction these off to my
many clients around the globe,

the U.S. m*ssile defense shield
will have to be retooled,

and I will be... quite wealthy.

Okay, first thing
I'd spend it on...

better outfits.

That matching boy-band look
is so yesterday.

Whoa.

Good call.

I really love what you've done
with the room.

It'll look even better
without you.

Help!

You like being a hero?

Go for it.

Aah!

Aah!

She was supposed
to open the safe!

We still have time to laser it.

Not before Spider-Man and the
whole New York SWAT team arrive,

you idiot!

This isn't over.

Amazing!

Actually, I just happened to be
in the next building over.

It was more luck, really.

The whole conference table goes out
the window and doesn't hit anyone!

What are the chances?

Like you said... amazing.

Damn straight.

Do you have any that show
Spider-Man cracking the safe?

No, Spider-Man...
he didn't crack the safe.

Those robbers were going to.

He chased them away.

Spider-Man hires robbers
to crack safe,

then chases them away.

That makes
these photos worth $40.

Great. Times six is 240.

In Bolivian pesetas, maybe.

In Los Est-ay-dos U-nee-dos,
it's still 40 bucks for all six.

Take it or leave it.

Come on, come on.
I'm a busy man.

As you can see from this video,

Empire One's man-in-the-street
cam showing a traffic snarl

at Columbus Circle.

And, in other news...

Hmm.

Fifty. And you have
exclusive rights

to all still photos I took
of that crime scene.

You're tough, kid.


Well... go! Shoo! If you're gonna
send me to the poorhouse,

at least don't gloat about it!

This is
professional-quality video.

Very slick.

Then you'll buy it?

No way. Our man-in-the-street
cam is strictly amateur hour.

That's the charm of it.

Could you bring that over here?

No, I need it now.

Put the orbs back in.

You never saw anyone rehearse
for the camera?

You don't have a camera.

Well... I will have.

I'm the new lifestyle reporter.
Perhaps you've seen me.

Um... actually...

Indy!

I need that midtown-sh**ting
tape, stat.

My latte can wait.

Wow, it must be urgent.

Uh... I'm just...

checking your ratings!

Okay... I'm only a researcher.
For now.

Um...
I did do a piece on bosses

who make their flunkies' lives
a living hell,

but it didn't air.

I bet it was good.

Indy...

I don't suppose that's the
midtown-sh**ting tape.

Even better. You should
get a look at this.

Hi. I'm Peter Parker.

Indira Daimonji.
Everyone just calls me Indy.

Indy... where are you?

You are watching exclusive
Empire One video

of yesterday's daring
30th-floor robbery attempt.

Dude, let me get this straight.

You charmed
Indy the researcher,

and she got her producer
to buy your video clips?

Well... she thinks I saved
her life.

Well, how'd you do that,
hypnosis?

A fluke. Anyway,
I thought I should thank her.

Custom CD!

You woo-master, you!

Just, you know,
a little thank-you.

A card says thank you.

Cappuccino for two...
thank you.

But a custom CD...

Too much?

Weapon of mass destruction.

What would M.J. say?

Hopefully, how proud she is of
my growing photography career.

Oh, yeah. That could happen.

Peter... I feel like a skater

gliding toward you,

free and alive and excited.

But then you keep
veering to the side,

and I always end up headed right for
a big freaking crack in the ice!

Hi there.

You might not have noticed,
but I'm a little confused...

about us.

Peter... the word I'm
looking for is consistency.

I think you know how much
you mean to me.

Well, you better know,
seeing as how...

Hmm... let's see...

Oh, yeah... I told you!

M.J.!

Peter! Uh... hi.

Peter...

The word I'm looking for...

What's that?

CD.

CD with ribbon.

A...gift.

Really? For me?

Well, who is it for?

A researcher at Empire One TV.

This researcher just kind of...

helped me sell some news video.

Oh. That's nice.
What's his name?

It's... a she.

It? She sounds lovely.

Well, look, the thing is...

Do you wanna go to
a movie with me tonight?

You know, I was going
to suggest the same thing,

because, because,
that would be terrific.

Good. We'll meet at
the Drip Den, 7:00.

Uh... um... I've gotta go.
Empire One.

There it is...
the Empire One newsroom.

I still don't see
what this gets us.

Look a little harder.

They put us on the news,

now we will repay the favor.

Gentlemen...
energize your weapons.

Hey! Indy.

Well, Peter Parker.

Up-and-coming news photog.

What's this, a whole disc
of news videos?

What do you do,
just stalk the police? Or... No!

You perpetrate the crimes.

That's how you're always there.

I saw that in a movie once,

but, nah, you've
got too kind a face.

I can read faces.
Excuse me.

It's not news, actually.

It's just a little thank-you.

Wow! I do things for people
all the time, and they never...

Thanks.

My stuff only got onto
the evening news

because you helped out.

Well, I would have been news on
the evening news if not for you.

"Young indentured servant meets tragic
death doing what she loves best...

pretending to report."

You're gonna do it.
I have a good feeling.

Hey, wait a minute. Are you like
a precog or something?

Sometimes.

What?

Employees of Empire One,

for those of you who missed your
own station's news coverage...

we are Pterodax.

Kindly put all cell phones
into the receptacle

my heavily armed colleague
is passing around.

Don't give him a hard time.

He will k*ll you.

So you and Peter, you don't keep
secrets from each other, do you?

We're guys.
It's not in our chemistry.

I could tell you that without ever
having stepped foot in a chem lab.

Okay, then tell me what's going
on in that big brain of his.

Oh, no. I know where
this is going.

Really? And where's that?

You wanna turn me into
one of your chick friends.

Chick friends?

You heard me.

I'd like to think I didn't.

Today you wanna confide
in me about Peter.

Tomorrow you'll have me along
shoe-shopping.

Okay, what do you wanna know?

Actually, I think you just
explained everything.

Listening is not your end of
the species' best skill.

Guilty as charged.
Whatever it is you said.

The problem is simple.

Peter wasn't listening.
He hasn't heard a word!

I'll just have to talk
very slowly to you both

from now on.

We got
everyone out of the building

except for the top floor.

The Empire One news staff.
SWAT team's on its way.

Attention, please.

Are there any cameramen about?

I can run a camera.

You can?

Of course. Just tell me
where the on switch is.

Little button in back.
Bottom left.

Well, you're
certainly no threat.

You'll do fine.

You, on top of the building.

Put down your weapon.

Good. That should tell
them what business we mean.

You... start the camera.

To all of you federal agents
running face-recognition programs,

let me save you some time.

We are former KGB agents who have been
blessed with the crème de la crme

of Soviet-era
experimental hardware,

like these...
X-11 concussion bombs.

The sonic waves
liquefy human organs

while doing minimal damage to
valuable real estate.

Five of these will be placed
discreetly around this room.

We have one simple demand:

We want Spider-Man here, in the
flesh, before the 8 p.m. news.

He has exactly one hour and 24
minutes to show his masked face

or everyone here dies.

Where is my communicator?

Who took my communicator?

Huh? You?!

I k*ll someone right now if I
don't get my communicator back!

You... what are you looking at?

Someone with no self-control?

We're all just sitting here.

No one took your stupid
communicator, okay?

Leave her alone.

You want Spider-Man, right?

If you hurt anyone here, he's gonna
come in gunning for you. You know that.

Mr. Busybody, maybe you saw who
took my communicator.

No? I show everyone
what happens...

Look harder, imbecile.

Sit.
Fancy camera work is done.

Hey, don't get it in your head that
you're gonna save my life once every day,

because it'll tire you out.

I plan on living forever.

Is it me?

Do I have some kind of weird pheromone
that shouts out to Peter Parker,

"Run away! Run away!"?
M.J.

I thought maybe he'd
be here doing homework

or something stupid like that,

but I knew in my heart
he just stood me up.

Mary Jane, shut up for a sec.

I just turned on the news.

Empire One's
been taken hostage.

That's where Peter went.

Oh, my god!

The hostages
have only 17 minutes left.

Come on, come on!
We've gotta go down there!

In exactly 11 minutes,

we will know if your hero
intends to save you.

In preparation, kindly lie
face-down, with eyes closed.

Do it!

You're supposed to meet your
future mate in the workplace.

They never say anything about
dying there with him.

Oh, I can't believe
I just said that.

If we get out of this, I'm gonna
be really embarrassed.

So you'll do
a lifestyle piece...

"Hostages' Most
Embarrassing Moments."

When you're a reporter.

Look, I might have
to try something.

So if I'm not here...

Eyes closed!

Now!

We've got everything
evacuated in a five-block radius.

Friendly neighborhood
Spider-Man, at your service.

Huh.

Where are they?

They got me here.
It's a setup.

They're already gone.

I need everyone
on their feet... now.

Listen carefully.

Get these people to the other side
of the building and call for help.

Come on, come on, come on.
Let's go!

By the way, you might come across
a Peter Parker on the other side.

I ran into him earlier.

Oh, what a relief.
Did he mention me?

Go!

Five bombs.

Where are they?

That was the X-11.
Aleksei, anyone coming?

No one in sight,
just as you planned.

Glorious.
Spider-Man is dead,

and New York City's finest
are otherwise engaged.

And the diamonds...

Are finally ours.

Aleksei.

Aleksei.
Come in, Aleksei.

Um... Aleksei can't
come to the phone right now.

Can I... say who's calling?

He's tied up at the moment.

But I'll be
taking his place in a sec.

Diamonds.
Girl's best friend.

Glad you dropped in.
We're gonna have a blast.

Five seconds to recharge.

Better make
your next shot count.

Time to die.

Time to fly solo!

Aah!

Okay, all clear.

Where's Peter?
Where's Peter?

That's the last one.
They're okay.

That's not the last one!

That can't be the last one!

I'm sure he... He probably...
Look! There he is.

You go ahead.
I'll catch up in a sec.

Peter!

I was worried about you!

I was searching for a way out.

Good thing Spider-Man
showed up when he did.

Okay, so, listen,
that stuff I said to you...

Not to worry.
It was a tense situation.

I know that. I said I'd be
embarrassed, but you see...

I'm not.

Peter?