01x04 - The Sword of Shikata

[bunniefuu]

I have acquired visual
on subject in sector A.

Speed clocked at


top strength,
breathing controlled,

now headed northeast
to sector D.

Sector D reporting.

Subject's reflexes
registered 10.2

on the Goleman-Flinker
standardized test.

Off the charts.

He's headed south.

Subject acquired in sector B.

Single-handedly lifted


Extremely formidable.

My kind of challenge.

Relating!

To you. That's the goal.

You want a goal?
Take up soccer!

I don't want to relate.

I want a boyfriend.

See? You don't get it.
You can't do it.

Because you make it
so difficult!

No, you know damn well
what the problem is: him.

Oh, God.

Yes. I still care
about him.

And... scene.

All right.

Watson, you're back tomorrow
for a screen test.

Next!

So... maybe we'd
better go now.

Uh-uh. Now that
she made it,

she'll be thrilled we saw her.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Hey, how cool would it be
if M.J. became a star?

I've already got it
all figured out.

Actress parties,
supermodel parties,

actress and supermodel
parties...

Yeah, I'm sure M.J.
can't wait for those.

Oh, good, then we're on
the same wavelength.

Hey, what's with
Dolce and Gabbana?

Don't know about muscle bags,

but the freaky hipster's
Richard Damien.

He's putting up the money
for this turkey...

I mean, this Oscar-worthy
independent film.

Thank you for your patience.

I've got money in
a new movie that's casting.

Couldn't pull myself
away from the auditions.

In my business,

if I don't pull away
fast enough, I die.

You know,
I like the sound of that.

I see I've hired
the right person.

Odd hobby.

You collect rare species,

yet you have no desire
to hunt them yourself?

I love the salmon at Jojo.

Doesn't mean I have
to troll for it.

I've studied the subject.

I accept your terms.

Excellent.



but remember...

I want him alive.

I know, I know.

His name's Spider-Man,

but the way I figure,
he's mostly spider.

No more a man than that bonobo.

He belongs in a cage.

I told you I accept the terms.

No need to explain yourself.

Half now, the other half
upon delivery.

Raymond doesn't think you...

I heard what he said.

If he doesn't feel
I'm up to the task,

he can prove it right now.

You challenging him
to a sword fight?

He carries a weapon in
the small of his back.

I believe it's a 9 mm.

Have at it.

En garde.

I'm having so much fun,

I won't even deduct it
from your pay.

She was lucky.

Oh, yeah. Definitely
getting my money's worth.

Ow!

Give me your watch now!

Why bother?
Your time is up.

Huh?

Huh?

It's a setup.

Spider-Man...

Prepare to be defeated. Hyah!

Uh, I don't know
who you are, lady,

but "take a swipe
at Spidey" days

ended last month.

It was just a short
promotional offer.

Mm. Good.

No, stupid.

Is there something I did
that I should know about?

Stole your seat on the subway?

Okay. Now you're definitely
not getting an apology.

Ow!

One hell of a first date.

You're a noble fighter,
but not my type.

Okay, dipstick.

Take your java break
in somebody else's precinct.

Shikata, cops!

Hold him steady.
We'll bag him.

Ohh...

Hmm...

No one decides
how to take down an opponent

but me.

You, hold it right
there! Spider-Man!

Should've figured on you
being involved.

What the...?

Punks!

I can't see anything!

Where are they...?

Looks like we got
ourselves a magician.

All right, big shot.

You got a right
to remain silent.

Anything you say may be used
against you in a court of law.

You have the right to
consult an attorney...

Doing a little
past-life regression?

Let me guess. You used to be
a hit man for Genghis Khan.

I underestimated your
tracking skills, Spider-Man.

You underestimated


I matched frequencies
with your cell phone.

A woman in your position...

Lotus, I believe...

should be more careful.

You mistake me for someone
who cares about dying.

And you don't?

The only thing
that matters to me is honor.

Ah, as in, "It would be an honor
to k*ll you, Spider-Man."

Exactly.

Worthy adversaries are
so hard to find in this city.

Great. You like me.

You really like me.
Now let's move on.

Do you come with me
peacefully or not?

No fighting, now.

You'll have your chance soon.

Hmm.

So, guess you had
the screen test.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, maybe this is a sign

that you're too talented
for that Hollywood stuff.

Harry, I did great.

Oh. Quick,
someone get a crowbar.

My Skecher is stuck in my mouth

and I can't get it out. Heh!

Wait a second.

Why the big crying scene?

The script. It sucks.

So much for movie stardom.

My acting career
is going to be over

before it's ever begun!

This isn't a B movie.

It's more like a U movie.

"U" for "uck!"

Well, why didn't you say so?

What, you're going to call in
a script doctor?

Better.
Witness the power of Osborn.

Fred? Harry.
Do you know Richard Damien?

Thought so.

My character is just so
two-dimensional.

I need to get an appointment
for a friend.

Sooner the better.

Okay. Call me back.
He'll make it happen.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you!

Hey, not a problem.

But, um, do you think it's safe

for you to be alone
with Damien?

A lecherous producer

and a young, beautiful actress?

You know the Girl Scout motto.

"Don't leave home
without lip gloss"?

The cookies are a cover-up.

Oh.

Fine. Yeah, fine.

Have her come by at 8.
Right, Fred.

You owe me, baby.

Business crisis?

A little damage control
on my independent movie project.

It's just one of my many
artistic endeavors.

So you keep saying.

Shouldn't you be out

hunting down
our favorite arachnid?

Exactly why I'm here.

I've already found Spider-Man,

and I fully intend to face him
again soon.

In which case,
you'll have earned your 2.5.

The terms have changed.

It wouldn't be honorable
to take your money.

But you just said...

But I can no longer promise
I'll capture Spider-Man alive.

Why in the hell not?

It would be dishonorable.

So you can fight him
but not capture him?

In a bout such as this,
only one comes out alive.

We had a deal!

And now it's off.

Argh!

She knows your plans
about Spider-Man.

Mr. Damien, you think
of it as collecting,

but hiring a person
to capture someone...

That's kidnapping.

She squeals, you're in trouble.

Then make sure she doesn't.

You stay here.
We'll go up to the next block.

A real man wouldn't be afraid
to fight me alone.

Yeah. We'll write that
on your gravestone.

Damn it!

Hey, you throw a great party.

You continue to impress me
with your character.

Now, more than ever,

I know it is our destiny
to fight to the death.

But not now.

You hear me?

No one gets past the front gate.
No one!

That includes that actress
who's on her way.

Think you can manage that?

Mr. Damien, I've never
seen anything like her.

And that sword!

Then Spider-Man
swung in

and things got out of control.

Those were two of my
best men. Close that!

What, is the front-gate guy
dead now too?

Good. You figured out
how this works.

Uhh! Ohh!

Uhh...

You shouldn't have sent
your men to k*ll me.

It was Raymond, not me.

He's such a hothead.

At least he has a head.

Hello? Mr. Damien?

Hello?

Okay, this is the only
room with the light on.

If you're trying to get me
up to the bedroom,

I'm just going to leave.

Mr. Damien?

What are you doing
under your desk?

Oh!

911 emergency.

Yes, there's been
a m*rder. Taxi!

Hey, lady! Take your
walk somewhere else!

Prepare to k*ll
or be k*lled, Spider-Man.

Wasn't it just yesterday

we made such a handsome
crime-fighting duo?

That is why I honor you
with the chance to fight me.

Lady, it's time to get you
off the streets.

It's over, Shikata.

Not till one of us is dead!

Argh!

So, if this is Heidi Klum,

please come over right away.

Harry or Peter, please come home
as soon as you get this message.

I was home, but I, like,
totally freaked out,

and you won't believe what
happened at Mr. Damien's house...

What's going on?

Spider-Man!

M.J.!

Listen and listen good.

You fight me to the death,
or she will die.

Spider-Man, the sword!
It gives her power!

Uhh!

Wait!

Done waiting.

No!

Hold it right there!

Ah...
Your arm.

It'll be okay.

You fought her. For me.

Not alone.

Handy piece of information,
that sword thing.

How'd you know?

Long story, but the point is,
we make a good team.

Yes, we do.

So, like, I think
your sword freak

k*lled the guy
who's bankrolling the movie

I was supposed to be in.

Why am I telling you this?

In case I run into
any showbiz types

looking for a leading lady?

Would you do that?

I don't really travel
in those circles.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Spider-Man went
this way! Follow me!

Here we go again.
See you around?

Definitely.