02x16 - The Tale of Hercules

[bunniefuu]

Hey, h*, history buffs! The Hulks are jetting into Greece to meet up with one of the biggest heroes of all time.

I grew up reading myths and legends about this guy.

But it turns out he's real! The immortal Hercules! Super-strong, son of a deity, he's like a Greek Thor! Been a celebrity for literally thousands of years.

And he wants to party with us! Hercules' idea of a party isn't the same as yours, Rick.

Last time he invited me to one, we ended up battling some kind of giant lion/goat/snake monster thing.

You wouldn't know a party if it backed over you in a clown car.

Truth.

And after being lost in space, forced on the run by the government, then hunting down the bad guys who framed us, we deserve some chill time.

Skaar chill hard! We're heroes.

We don't take breaks.

Only reason we took his invite is because I know it means trouble.

Now that we've cleared our names, we gotta work extra-hard to keep 'em clear.

That means staying away from "heroes" who care more about having fun than saving people.

Check it out! When Hercules was still a baby, he choked out two huge snakes! Sounds like a pretty cool guy.

How come we've never met him before? He defends Mount Olympus and the people of Greece.

Doesn't get out much, but when he does, he stirs up more problems than he solves.

The more you complain about him, the more I like him! Come on, dude.

Get into it! So what if we have to slap around some monsters? Afterward, we can chow on souvlaki, tzatziki, and baklava! - What "back lava"? - I don't know, but it is fun to say.

And Greece has some awesome ruins, amazing beaches, and tons of tasty nummy-nums.

Mmm-mmm.

But I thought the girls would be cuter! Those are girls, right? I mean, if they are, we can still salvage this party.

Yeah, I don't think they're here to party.

They are tearing the jet apart! We're going down! I'll give you something to scream about, you tone-deaf, harpy freak! Get the rocket boards! They're not human.

Don't hold back! Like you gotta tell me! Skaar slash green monster! Date time, Rick.

Hilarious, Jen.

Hey, ugly.

Pucker up! Uh, that's no way to get a girlfriend.

Hey, Jen, we finally found someone who's worse at karaoke than you.

Nah, I just I meant me! Ple-ple-please Don't punch me Oh, no.

Somebody's about to get got! Back, you nether spawn! I haven't had this much fun battling bird-beasts since I saved Prometheus from that liver-eating vulture! Ah, Hulk! Glad you could make it, old friend.

This is your party? Well, I had a feast planned in my honor, till the ill-tempered lord of the underworld, Pluto, ruined my fun with an unprovoked attack on the good immortals of Olympus.

Go, my harpies! While I hold open the portal.

Lay waste to the home of gods and any being in your way! Let's wrap this up quick! I'll catch up with ya, Hulk.

First, I must meet your friends.

Greetings, newcomers! Come bask in the bronze glow of Hercules! Oily.

A-b*mb, agent of S.

M.

A.

S.

H.

here.

I'm a huge fan, Herc.

Can I call you Herc? I read all about your 12 labors.

The way you wrestled down that three-headed dog Super cool! Ah, yes, Cerberus, hound of the underworld.

Hardly a challenge! Easy on the hardware, dude! Until you busted it, that was trained to follow us around for my web show.

Yes, well, I suppose if there are no songs sung to celebrate your glorious feats, you must chronicle your adventures somehow.

Anytime you want to jump in, guys! You're fighting Pluto? Named after the puniest non-planet in the solar system? What's that hooded creepo want, anyway? Every few hundred years, he comes banging on our gates.

The sounds of our revelry on Olympus upset him.

So he's a big party-pooper, huh? We got one of those, too.

By Jupiter! This jade vixen would turn Venus herself green with envy! Quit flirtin' and get fightin'! Love and w*r go hand in hand! After all, who doesn't love to fight? Perhaps you, Pluto, who loves nothing at all.

Take heart, and the gift of battle, from me! You've been bested by the best! Victory belongs to Hercules.

I'm talking to you.

- Oh, snap! - Nice one! - Beard man punch hard! - Way to go, Herc! See what I'm talking about? He cares more about himself than saving people.

This fight wears my soul thin.

To me, my harpies! Let us leave this hero to his spoils.

No wonder he's in a bad mood.

Dude lives under a tree.

And not even a nice one.

It's a portal to his dank, dismal underworld realm below Olympus.

After such a sound beating, he won't soon return.

Come, friends! Let us celebrate my victory with a feast! I could use a kebab.

- Or 50! - Opa! Somethin' ain't right.

Pluto's been defeated.

Ambrosia for everyone! Skaar like Uh Whatever Skaar eating.

Look at this spread! Herc lives like he's in Vegas every day of his life! Vegas? Dude, this is Mount Olympus, home of the gods! You hear that, Hulkies? Herc's even got a vault of treasure here from all his adventures! It's not necessary.

Really.

Ah, it's okay.

Touch it.

No, really.

I insist.

Come on! Um, no, thank you! Hulk! There you are! Mmm.

Mmm! Will you quit sulking and come party, dude? That battle was too easy.

Well, yeah, 'cause Herc is sweet at his job.

Okay, he's got a bigger ego than Red could even hope for.

But if people were praising me for a few thousand years, I probably would, too.

Oh, Hercules.

Your arrogance will be the downfall of Olympus and the world of men! Another of man's whirling, buzzing annoyances! Leave me be! Oh, no! That's Herc's vault! So, you were just playing dead.

The lord of the underworld does not play dead! To battle! You got a good bowling arm, Herc? Naturally.

I excel at all games.

And knocking out Pluto is one of my favorites.

One smash-ball special comin' up! Yahoo! Ooh! Ah! Its strength as defense remains.

Now, let us test its magic! And I thought the harpies were ugly.

No! Stop, Hulk! Are you nuts? What'd you do to him? I showed him the last face he'll ever see.

Avert your gaze, Hulk! Are you stoppin' me so you can hog the glory again? No, friend.

I was saving you from a terrible fate.

Do not look! Pluto stole the shield of Minerva.

It turns whoever looks at it To stone! He changed the Smashers into statues! You made it sound like Pluto wasn't even a threat.

He wasn't, until now.

Knowing him, he'll want to turn everyone on earth into stone using Minerva's shield.

- But at least we're okay, right? - Give me that! The king of the underworld is going to turn the human race into rocks and you're admiring your stupid mug? Oh, so this must be one of your famous Hulk tantrums.

No, I'm getting ready to smash my way into the underworld to stop Pluto and find a way to save my friends.

It's called being a hero.

Look, friend, perhaps it is my fault your companions have been turned into statues, albeit less attractive ones than I would make.

So, let me make it up to you.

Come! I know another way in.

I've had many grand adventures in the underworld that I can regale you with on our journey.

Or, you could just be quiet.

Yeah, and the immortals mourned me, so they were compelled to make me one of them! Yeah, great story.

- Is this it? - Huh? Oh, yes! See the lanky fellow with the pole? That's Sharon, the ferry man on the river Styx.

He takes souls into the underworld.

He's a bit of a stickler for rules about who he takes into the underworld, so you better let me do the talking.

Sharon, my good fellow! My name is Charon.

For the thousandth time.

Now be gone, Hercules.

I'll have no trouble from you.

You'll have none, so long as you give Olympus's favorite son and his companion a lift.

It is against the rules of the underworld to take a living soul down this river.

And your ego would surely sink my raft.

Oh, Sharon, you cut-up.

You just punched a defenseless old man! Nah, he's tougher than he looks.

Stubborn, too.

Say, how are you with a push-pole? Yow! - You dare as*ault the ferry man? - Listen, I'm sorry that You keep poor company, beast.

Not a defenseless old man.

Guy hits like a freight train.

Not looking for a fight! Came here to save people! Pluto is trying to turn every person on earth to stone.

And we're here to make sure he doesn't.

It is not like Hercules to be so selfless.

Come aboard, and I'll show you the way.

Tiring him out was my plan, too.

Oh, stuff it.

You mustn't take life so seriously, Hulk.

It's just a ride! Oh sure, it gets bumpy and frightening at times, but as long as you're on it, why not enjoy it? Because my friends have all been turned into statues.

Not to worry.

With my strength, and your as-needed backup, Pluto will soon taste defeat.

We're here.

Good luck to you, noble one.

Soon, the surface world will be a silent cemetery.

Humans will become their own tombstones! We need a plan.

The shield can't hurt us unless we look at it, right? Knowing Pluto, he expanded its power with dark magics.

Because unless you're me, it's hard to get the whole world to look at you.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Now, tell me more about this plan! You just blew our shot at making one! Life is too short for plans! Oh, so you want to live the rest of it as a statue? You might want to start taking this seriously! Fair enough.

But unless you want to turn out like that basement-dwelling sad sack, you might want to lighten up! Is there no limit to your hubris, Hercules? You would face me in my own realm? Look out! Just keep the bulls off my back, will ya? I'm going after Pluto! Oh, after a taste of glory, are you? I'll rock, paper, scissors you for it! Here I come! Rock always wins.

Ahhh! Sweet Saturn's sickle! That was my favorite leg! Take cover! I'll be sure to tell your admirers exactly who failed them, before I freeze them in granite.

Now, hold on, Pluto.

You're only making things worse for yourself.

I could not see such a courageous warrior fall by Pluto's hand, green man-beast.

Saving him, however, was an unfortunate consequence.

This is all my fault, Hulk.

I've doomed the world! My continuous jesting and carelessness in the face of danger cost us victory! For Jupiter's sake, do you ever stop talking about yourself? Snap out of it, Herc.

There's still time to stop Pluto and save the Smashers.

You, I continue to despise.

But I admire your resolute manner and dedication to others.

So I offer you insight.

If the shield is faced with its own reflection, it can be destroyed, the spell broken.

Your friends will be restored.

You still got that mirror? If we can get close enough to Pluto to use it, we can bounce the shield's beams right back at it.

A brilliant plan, Hulk! Give me orders, and I will follow them to the letter.

I vow to remain serious, and make amends for the trouble I've caused you this day.

Actually, having some fun might be the right idea.

What is that? Your champions have fallen! Don't flatter yourself, Pluto.

Nobody's soul is beating down the door to get into your boring realm.

Self-important braggart! I regret not annihilating you when I had the chance.

But you don't regret moping in a damp cave all these years? While I captivated the world with heroic deeds and rugged good looks? Perhaps I'll leave your head unfrozen so you can watch your beloved world fall! You mean, you wouldn't be doing it so I could share my harrowing tales of adventure with you for all eternity? Come on! Deep down, you admire me.

I know it! I had you when I slew the Nemean lion, didn't I? You earned my spite the day you first opened your mouth! Admit it, you're jealous! It's your own fault you don't have friends to party with, Plute! You need a positive mental attitude.

No! At last! An end to your ceaseless chatter.

He's right, you know.

Did the alone thing plenty, and it ain't fun.

That fool cost you your friends, and now, your own life! At least he knew how to have a good time! Hey, baldy! - Huh - Wow Why am I so stiff? And What's an egg doing in my ear? And where'd all the cow people come from? Pluto turned you to statues, but Hulk saved you.

Come! Let us see the smashing you're so famous for! Ahhh! Skaar bite too! I call the middle head! You fight well, jade vixen.

Perhaps you were an Amazon princess in a past life.

No Amazon's got nothin' on me.

Seeing the surface world fall was my one chance at happiness.

- And you ruined it! - Herc can find you a unicorn to ride.

Would that cheer you up? Come back, bad dog! Skaar not done biting! You've won this day, mortal.

But when next I rise, it will be to drag your soul to the underworld! Better bring a bigger dog.

I owe you all a great debt, not only for today's victory, but for showing me the error of my ways.

Thank you, Hulk.

There's a time and place for everything, Herc.

And now's the time to party.

Herc! Herc, flex for us! Herc! Herc! Thanks, Doris.

Mmm! Mmm.

Yes, the contents of this meat pita are both strange and delicious.

What is this I'm feasting on? Mmm.

It's a veggie burger.

After fighting all those minotaurs, kind of lost the appetite for beef.

Skaar not care.

Skaar eat anything.

I like your attitude, Skaar.

And I like your hometown.

So what's the deal? I thought you couldn't leave Greece.

I can, but that's where my fans are.

So I like to stay close.

You know, that's a collector's item.

I'll be right here if you want another.

Well, you got some new fans here in Vista Verde.

- To Hercules! - No, no.

You're kind.

But I do not deserve such a toast.

Today, we raise our cups to Hulk! The hero of the day! - Hoo-ah! - Here, here! Okra! Herc's right.

Everyone needs to have some fun when they can.

You gotta work hard.

But don't forget to live.

Hulk out.