06x11 - Reality Check

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

-Hey.
-Yo.

-I brought the hoodie you asked for.
-Thanks, Neil.

I just wanna make sure
I'm repping my fittest fit

for my mom's
new reality show.

Unfortunately,
my fittest fit doesn't fit.

I blame my muscles.

Well, you're gonna look awesome.

[posh voice]
But if you're open to a risk,

I find there's
nothing more funsie,

uh, than a onesie.

Yeah, I'ma stick
with the hoodie.

[text notification chimes]

-Oh, no!
-What is it?

-I got into college!
-Congratulations!

No, that's a bad thing!

It is? But, I applied to,
like, 15 colleges.

[gasps]
I hope I don't get in.

Remember when I ruined
Alice's jacket

and my mom caught me
making a new one,

so I lied and told her
I was into fashion,

but then I didn't wanna
disappoint her,

so I kept it going, even though
I'm not into fashion?

Yeah.

Well, she got so excited,
she had me apply

to Pacific Fashion Institute
where she went.

I just never thought
I'd actually get in!

You know what?
I'll tell her I didn't get in.

She'll never know.
Problem solved.

Hey, your mom isn't still using

HomeSkilletBiscuit85
as her email, is she?

Only for business purposes.
Why?

'Cause the college
CC'ed her on this email.

-Dude, what am I gonna do?
-Well, your first year,

they're probably just
gonna teach you how to sew.

Maybe some pattern cutting.
Intro to vests--

I'm not going to
fashion school, Neil!

[theme music playing]

♪ Ha, ha!
Lemme tell ya somethin' ♪

♪ Had my vision
all worked out ♪

-♪ But then life had other plans ♪
-♪ Tell 'em, Mom ♪

♪ It's crazy when things
turn upside down ♪

♪ But ya gotta get up
and take that chance ♪

♪ New city,
I’m finding my way ♪

♪ It’s gonna take some time ♪

-♪ Yeah, we're gonna be okay ♪
-♪ Ya know I got you, right? ♪

♪ It might be wild, but ya
know that we make it work ♪

♪ We're just fam
caught up in a crazy world ♪

-♪ C'mon! ♪
-♪ It's Raven's Home ♪

-♪ We get loud! ♪
-♪ Yeah, Raven's Home ♪

♪ It's our crowd! ♪

♪ Might be tough,
but together we make it look good ♪

♪ Down for each other
like family should ♪

-♪ It's Raven's Home ♪
-♪ When it's tough ♪

-♪ Yeah, Raven's Home ♪
-♪ We got love ♪

♪ 'Cos no matter the weather,
ya know we gon' shine ♪

♪ There for each other,
ya know it's our time ♪

[Raven laughing]

Yep! That's us.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[vacuum whirring]

Feet! [grunts]

Raven, you vacuumed this room
three times already! It's clean!

I want the house to look good
for my reality show.

If you want reality,

I can crunch up some potato chips
and put 'em on the couch.

Nobody needs to know
how we live.

[sighs] Okay.

I cleaned my room, but I am not
touching that bathroom.

Booker just came out of it.
With reading material.

-[doorbell rings]
-[squeals] They're here!

They're here! Everybody,
everybody, they're here!

[squeals]
Everybody, look! It's Ivy!

Ivy's here! Look, everybody...

-You thought I was the crew, didn't you?
-Huh?

Girl, please! [laughs]

I'm always this excited
when you come here.

-Get in. You blocking the door.
-Yeah.

Don't worry. I'm not trying
to be in your reality show.

-I'm here to help you.
-Help me how?

Well, as I'm sure you remember,
I was...

All:
A production assistant on

Gettin' Down
with the Gardunkians.

Aw, you remember!

Well, as an expert,
I can help you navigate

the treacherous waters
of a reality TV show.

No need, okay?
My show is not gonna be trash

like The Gardunkians.
They're just gonna be filming us

doing what we normally do.

Well, they're in for a treat.

I have a day of
exciting stuff planned.

Inventory at the Chill Grill.
Trip to my eye doctor.

I might even swing by
the recycling center

and drop off a mess of cans.

Uh-oh, it's a good thing
I got here when I did

because they don't wanna
see any of that.

Look, the producers
are trained to make drama.

I hear they get a bonus
if someone cries.

-My money's on Booker.
-[giggles]

Uh, excuse me. The show is called
House of Raven, okay?

I'm sure the cameras
are gonna be on moi.

-[doorbell rings]
-[screams] That's them! That's the crew!

That's them this time!
Watch this.

Okay. [clears throat]

-Raven?
-Yes?

-It is so good to meet you.
-Good to meet you, too.

I'm Jules.
I'll be producing your hit show.

And don't worry. You're not even
gonna know we're here.

Put cameras everywhere.

Wait a minute now.
N-Not the bathrooms.

Of course, not the bathrooms.
You heard her!

Mics only.

Uh, uh, Jules?

-I'm Victor, Raven's dad.
-Oh.

I think you're gonna find me
very interesting.

I have these pants in
three different colors.

Oh!
[forced laughter]

You're gonna be a lot of fun!

This one could be a problem.
See what you can do.

-Raven?
-Yes?

I think it's time you get
dressed for your sh**t.

Unless... This is
what you're gonna wear.

Um... Please, Jules, please.
This is my, uh,

my "get ready to get ready"
outfit. So,

-get ready! [laughs]
-[laughs] Yeah.

♪ ♪

Dude, it's gonna be okay.

Just tell your mom
you don't wanna go

to the same college she did.
She'll get over it.

My mom does not
"get over it."

Alright, she's still mad
at me for that time

I saw John Stamos
and didn't tell her.

I just need to get her phone
and delete the email.

Then, I can tell her
I didn't get in.

Alright, you distract my mom,
I'll get her phone.

She'll never know what happened.

Who's gonna distract them?

♪ ♪

Dang it! I put my right sock
on my left foot!

Now, I gotta start over.

What is happening?
Where's Raven?

[clicking]

Oh, hello.

Here I am in the clothes
that I... Normally wear.

Oh, this is gonna be a long day.

[dress creaking]

T-Tight...

Can't breathe...

It's gonna look good
on TV, though. Ah! Worth it. [laughs]

Wait a second.
These aren't even my socks!

Come on, man!

This is not going well, is it?

I get two hours
of TV time a day,

-and I would not waste it on this.
-[door opens]

-Okay! That was... Something!
-[laughs]

Not the thing we're lookin' for,
but something.

-Raven! Stick with me.
-Okay.

-Stick with me. Mm-hmm.
-Yeah, lemme just...

[dress creaking]

-[groans]
-[laughs] Raven.

You wanna build
your brand, right?

Yes. Wh-Wh-When people are
walking the red carpet,

and somebody asks them,
"Who you wearing,"

you want them to say
"Raven Baxter," don't you?

Yes, I do!
I really, really do!

And it all starts
with a good TV show,

and we have a great premise.

An up-and-coming designer.

-living back at home with her dad.
-Yeah.

It's gotta be fun,
exciting, unexpected.

We're all that!
We are all of that!

Raven, have you seen the bandage
that was covering my wart?

Bet you didn't expect
him to say that.

I did. I-I did, yeah.

H-He's been talking about
that nasty thing all week.

[laughs]
You have got something.

The rest of you
need some work.

How about we take a five?

RAVEN: Okay...

I'm sure it's gonna get better.

Of course, it will!
Of course, it will.

It's not like they're gonna,

you know, like,
cancel the show

before it starts.

[whooshing]

[echoing] This isn't working. I'm gonna
have to pull the plug...

[whooshing]

[gasps]

Oh no. They're gonna cancel
my show before it starts.

Is the camera still here?
I found my bandage!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Bringing Pop-Pop here
was genius.

Once they see him
in his element,

they'll realize
he'll be great for the show.

If you guys thought
I was interesting at home,

woo, you're gonna love seeing me
at work doing my thang.

[giggles]

But, I gotta warn you.
Gets a little steamy in the kitchen.

Because we're boiling stuff.
[laughs]

See? I'm not just a chef.
I'm funny.

Uh, Mr. B?

[sighs]

As a person in the biz--

that's what we in the biz
call "the biz"--

the producer didn't seem too
happy with how things are going.

I think you need to make
things more interesting.

They want interesting?

I'm gonna give them interesting.

To the untrained eye,

these onions look the same,
but to a professional...

Oh no.
These are the same.

Where'd I put
my different onion?

I was wrong. Mm-hmm.
This is worse.

I know. It's Gabby Gardunkian
all over again.

The real Gabby was so boring,
they replaced her with an actor.

They wouldn't replace Pop-Pop...
Would they?

Now, to get the water boiling.

Lid up.

Lid down. You'll just
have to wait and see.

[gasps] Ooh!
That would make a good cliffhanger.

♪ ♪

No, I don't think
it's interesting

that he has a favorite burner
on his stove.

[scoffs] This is just
like Gabby Gardunkian all over again.

I need to find a way
to spice up my show.

Well, let's just hope
she hasn't seen

that college acceptance
email yet.

Don't worry.
I got your back.

[gasps] Booker!
Booker, there you are!

I'm outta here!

Yep! It's me.

Your only son,
who you love so, so much.

Booker...

I know you're hiding something.

You do?

-Finally!
-RAVEN [on monitor]: Yes.

-You've got a secret.
-You know?

Of course, I know!
I'm your mama. I know everything.

And you, sir,
you, sir, are in...

Big trouble.

Well, you guys keep the cameras rolling,
alright?

I-I might need witnesses.

♪ ♪

I can't believe Pop-Pop didn't
notice when the cameras left.

Yeah, well, he was pretty deep
in explaining

the best way to melt butter.

Okay, so he wasn't fascinating,

but I think it's gonna be okay.

You know what? You're right.

I'm sure everything
is gonna be fine.

Where did the crew go?

I was just about to show them
how they can reheat a tortilla.

[laughs] The secret?
Damp paper towel.

Why are there so many handsome
men at the Chill Grill today?

Did a bus full of models
break down outside?

They're going to the loft.

These are lines
for an audition.

Audition for what?

[sighs] For the role
of Victor Baxter.

ACTORS:
Come on, man!

♪ ♪

Just tell me, Booker. [sobs]
Tell me what you're hiding!

-I-I'd rather not.
-Why?

Because it'll break my heart?

-Well, you wouldn't love it.
-[gasps, sighs]

Whatever it is,
I can handle it!

Okay? I am a grown,

confident, single, successful,

single, intelligent,

single woman in her 30s!

So, I guess you saw the email.

Ooh, a secret email.
That'll spice up the show.

I am going to read the email

that you do not want me
to see right now.

-No, Mom!
-[struggling] Give it back!

-Mom!
-Huh? What?

Okay, I cannot let you
read this email.

It would hurt you too much.
I'm sorry, Mom.

Sorry? That was amazing.

Ha, ha! Jules!

Wasn't it amazing?

You saw that drama, right?
That's drama right there.

[squealing laugh]

How'd it go?
Are you grounded?

Am I grounded?

Can your mom ground me?
I am over here a lot.

I deleted the email
before she saw it.

Now, my mom
will never know I lied

about wanting to study
fashion at her old school.

[fridge humming]

Uh, Neil?

Reality shows don't put
cameras in fridges, do they?

Yep. That's a genuine
fridge cam right there.

I just said all that on camera!

Well, it's gotta stream
to a hard drive somewhere.

The production truck!
It's right outside!

We can sneak in
and delete the footage!

[sighs]

Kinda makes you miss when
all this is just about an email.

♪ ♪

What was that thing
with you and your son?

Oh, just the everyday drama
that happens here

at the House of Raven.
Did you like it?

Did you love it?
Did you want more of it? [laughs]

-No.
-What?

Look, you really popped
in your episode of The Gardunkians.

That's the Raven we want!

Well, that's the Raven
I'm trying to give you!

Well, try harder,
or I'm gonna have to--

No, no, no, no, no!
Please.

Don't make any big decisions.

Listen, I-I promise
I'll get things back on track.

Where's that little girl?
She was cute.

Alice? Alice! Ye-- Y--

Yes! That would make
a good show!

You know that's my family, right?
Yeah, it is! It is!

Okay, so me and Alice,
I'ma call her right now!

I'ma call her right now!
Uh-huh!

[panting]
Dad. Dad, listen.

I need you to bring
Alice back here.

Well, it's an emergency.
I had a vi... Uh...

Hi. [laughs]
Listen, um, do you mind?

This is a private conversation.
Thank you so much.

Dad, listen. Okay?
I think they're gonna cancel the show.

No, that's what
I'm trying to say!

I had vi--

[squeaks]

Come on! Really?

[sighs]

-[bottles rattling]
-[sighs]

[whispers] Hey, Dad, listen, alright?
I need to spice things up.

I had a vision that the producer
was gonna shut down the show.

Now, stop joking. You know
I can't tell him I'm psychic.

Now, just bring Alice down here
and tell her

to think of some zingers
on the way here, okay?

[laughs] Okay, good.

Oh, snap. That's a genuine
fridge cam right there.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Okay, I'm gonna go in there
and delete the footage.

You go hide in a bush
and keep an eye out.

You got it.

Oh, if I see anyone coming,
I'll yell out,

"Ka-ka! Ka-ka!"

Or you could just text me.

Right, Right.
How do you spell "ka-ka"?

-Just go.
-Okay.

Okay. Time to erase
that dumb thing I said.

[footsteps approach]

[door creaks]

Time to erase that
dumb thing I said.

[Neil pops]

Heads up!
Your mom's headed for the truck!

Yeah,
you're a little late, Neil.

Oh, now, who is that
on the screen?

She pretty.
Oh, that's me.

[clatters]

-Booker?
-Hi, Mom.

Whatchu you doing here?

-What are you doing here?
-Well, I may have accidentally admitted

that I was psychic
on a hidden camera.

-Fridge cam?
-Fridge cam!

-How did you know there was a fridge cam?
-[door opens]

Time to see what dumb things
these people said.

-[Neil pops]
-Booker, watch out!

That producer guy's
going to the truck!

Have you ever given
a heads up before?

-[Neil pops]
-Yeah, I probably should have told you.

I'm not a great lookout.
I get distracted.

Ooh! An ice cream truck.
Booker, you want somethin'?

♪ ♪

Pop-Pop's gonna be so hurt when
he finds out he's being recast.

We have to get rid of
these fake Victors.

I've got an idea.

Hey, do you drive a car
about car-wide,

car-long, four car wheels?

It's being towed! I mean,
you better get out there!

One down.

I don't know.
What does a gas leak smell like?

Nothing? Oh, well, I'm definitely
smelling nothing.

VICTOR:
Alice, where are you?

We're running out of time!

Hey, fake Pop-Pops!

They're sh**ting a movie
up the street,

and they're looking for
a forehead double for The Rock.

What is going on up here?

I almost got trampled
by a bunch of bald hunks!

-What is this?
-No, wait!

These are audition lines.

For Victor Baxter?

I'm being recast?

Sorry, Mr. B.

We really didn't want you
to find out this way.

But, that's how it works
on these shows.

If they don't think you're interesting,
they recast you.

The producers
think I'm boring.

They're wrong.
You're my Pop-Pop!

You're interesting
and kind and funny.

And when the world
sees the real you,

they'll love you
just like I do.

Come on! We can't let them
get away with this!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah!

I mean, whose house
is this anyway?

Well, the show is
called House of Raven.

I'm gonna show that producer
there is only one Victor Baxter.

Although if there was another,
I'd be okay with that guy.

♪ ♪

Booker, why are you here?

What did you say
on the fridge cam?

Mom, now's not the time
to talk about this.

You have to delete
that footage of you

saying you're psychic
before Jules sees it.

Oh, h*, h*, h*!
What do we have here?

Raven [on monitor]: Dad, listen, alright?
I need to spice things up.

Oh no, that's it. That's what I said.
Go. That's what I said.

-Stop! Stop!
-Gah!

Booker?
What are you doing in here?

Well, I accidentally spilled
a secret on camera,

-so I came in here to delete it.
-Why would you delete it?

Was it good? [gasps]
It was good, wasn't it?

I, um...

Tell me what it is
or I'll keep playing it!

Okay, okay,
fine, fine, alright?

It was me admitting
that I lied to my mom.

I told her I wanted to go
to the same fashion design school

as she went to,
but I-I don't.

Aw. My baby doesn't wanna
be a fashion designer?

And look, the thing is

the reason I lied about being
into fashion is because...

Well, it's a long story,
but it just made her so happy.

Y-You love seeing
your mom happy, don't you?

Oh, Patricia doesn't do happy.

Well, I hate
disappointing my mom.

But she was just so excited,

I didn't know how
to tell her the truth.

My mom means the world to me.
I never meant to hurt her.

Aw, that's my baby.

So please, alright?

I need you to
delete that footage.

For real.

Delete the footage.

Like, now. Use this moment
to delete the footage.

[Raven mouthing]

That is such a sweet story,
Booker.

And our audience
is gonna eat it up!

-Oh! Oh!
-[beeping, whirring]

Th-That was-- That was doing that
when I got here.

Raven?

-Whatchu doing?
-[squeaking]

This is not my trailer!

Oh! Ha, ha!
You don't have a trailer!

Yeah, this is a reality show.
You have your house.

Which I'ma need
to call my lawyer about

-because I deserve a trailer.
-Mm-hmm.

-You know, I worked hard for this--
-Ugh, not again!

This thing is always
giving us trouble. [sighs]

This isn't working.
I'm gonna have to pull the plug.

Oh! Like, but, once it reboots,
it'll be back to normal.

[equipment beeping]

"Pull the plug." That's the plug
he was talking about.

You know, to be fair,
I would have got that vision wrong, too.

♪ ♪

Mom, I'm sorry I lied to you.

Yeah, I'm not crazy about
that either, but, um...

I don't want you to feel
like I'm pressuring you

to follow in my footsteps.

Design is my passion,
not yours.

I want you to follow
your own path.

Yeah, but the thing is

you've always known
you were into fashion.

I don't know what
I wanna do yet.

And that's okay.

You can figure that out
on the way.

And I want you to go to the college
that you wanna go to.

Okay? As long as it's within
driving distance of me.

Thanks, Mom.

Raven! We need to talk.

Booker!
That producer guy's coming.

You got ice cream?

I got one for you, too.

You did good, Neil.

You did real good.

[door shuts]

[sighs] Look, Jules, I don't
think this is gonna work out.

Constantly being on camera

and having to watch
everything we say, my family?

That's just
too much for us.

But, you know,
the reality show is my thing,

not theirs.

-I couldn't agree more.
-Great! [laughs]

But, I-I still wanna be on TV.

[laughs]

Yes, but we'll keep it
focused on work from now on.

Okay, great.

-How dare you try to recast me!
-Tell him, Pop-Pop!

There's only one Victor Baxter
on the show, and it's me.

-Dad, Dad--
-No, no, no. I wanna hear it from him.

What do you have
to say for yourself?

-You're not gonna be recast.
-That's right.

-Wait, what?
-We aren't filming the family anymore.

Just Raven.
We'll be at the loft tomorrow

for the real first day of...
House of Raven.

[giggling]

-See you at 6:00.
-Okay, great.

-A.M.
-Less great.

I'm so confused.

I-I was fine,
and then I was upset,

and then I was yelling.

Well, that is the biz,
Mr. B.

You know, I'm just happy I could
be here to help everyone

get through their first day
of production.

You know, when I was
on The Gardunkians--

Yeah, I'm tired.
I'ma go... I'ma just...

I'ma head to bed.
I got an early morning.

-Yeah, so tired.
-Me too, I'm beat.

Wait a minute!
Hold up now then!

They're not filming
y'all anymore.

I-I'm the one who has
to go to work early.

Y'all got all the time
in the world.

Ivy, girl, you know?
You could tell them about the biz.

Okay. So, it was
my first day on set...

And they gave me
a walkie-talkie,

only they call it a walkie.

See, you'd think
they'd call it a talkie...

[quietly]
And they say I'm boring.

♪ ♪

Welcome to the second round
of the Victor auditions.

Now, this time,

you're gonna play
the character in the real world.

Victor 1,
you're going to the eye doctor.

Victor 2, you're gonna
renew our passports.

And you, Handsome Victor,

you're going to high school reunion.
[laughs]

And don't have too much fun!
We're a married man!

Remember that!

♪ ♪