04x05 - Grodin

[bunniefuu]

[Yawns]
maybe I'll just lie down and

Close my eyes for 5 minutes.

Oh, be my guest.

Target sighted?

[Squawks]
prepare to drop...

In 3, two, one.

Release it!

[Engine revving in distance]
[engine approaches]

[Yelling]
huh?!

Clearly the nap is over.

Never touch my hog.

That's all I got!

This hog and that one.

That one?

I believe he's referring
to...

[Clears throat]
yeah, the old second hog!

Mmm!

Hog.

You, shut it!

Only bone in my body I ain't
broken yet.

Ha ha ha ha.

What can i, uh...

Do for you?

What?

He can't hear you.

How do you know that.

Um, I don't know.

Just a guess really.

♪ Aah ♪
why are you here?!

Some kid's suing me.

Cut his finger on one of my toys
or choked.

I can't remember.

Kids!

First sign of bloody mucus and,
"mommy, call the ambulance!"

Mommy!

Ha ha ha ha.

[Crash]
they're claiming the toy was

Defective.

It wouldn't be this one,
would it.

[Air hisses]
it says he choked on it.

a*s butter!

That toy's as tight as my old
lady's panty bunch.

Um...

And he claims you gave it to
him.

They have an open-and-shut case.

What?

He'll take the case!

Damn right he damn will,
damn it.

Would have stook the last
unbroken bone in my--

Grenade!

[Boom]
broke it.

♪ Ha
uh

Who
is the man in the suit? ♪

[Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group]

♪ Who
is the cat with the beak?

Harvey birdman
attorney at law ♪

Damn mailman.

Where is he?

Oh.

I gotta carry this heavy bag all
day long.

Oh.

Junk, junk, junk.

Knowledge center?

Hmm
you've identified your enemy--

Birdman.

You see the goal--
eliminating birdman.

Now, get that final push towards
maximum evil with our accredited

Life coach who draws on more
than 20 years of nefarious

Experience to you how to awaken
the evil within?!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Dialing]
hi.

I've changed my menu options,
so please listen carefully.

For landscaping, press one.

Dog-walking, press two.

Nude housecleaning,
press any key...

Come on, come on, come on.

If you need an evil life
coach, press 4.

[Beep]
hi!

Uh, ha ha.

Well, I saw your ad, and uh...

You have 10 seconds.

Please help me!

I'm not evil enough!

Please, please, please,
please, please!

Make me evil!

Um...

Man.

[Gasps]
[whirring]

I was in the neighborhood.

Neighbors had some hedge work.

[Techno music playing]
so, you need a life coach?

It will take effort.

I'm strong.

And money.

It's a 14-step program.

If it means changing the old
life around for the eviler,

Ha ha, I'll spend whatever
it tak--

[Gasping]
wow!

That is not economical.

You got anything with say,
I don't know, 3 steps?

Two maybe?

Ernie!

You got a time-release downer
on your--

[Wheels creaking]
little bobby?

Aw!

It's bobby,
the kid who already sued you

Once and won!

Got the crotch itch
and can't scratch nothing.

[Techno playing]
first order of business:

Your outfit.

What about it?

Nothing...

If your name was x the yam sack.

Look, I mean the bunching here,
the cuffs.

It's that bad, eh?

I can see your n*pples.

You know what?

Now that we're on the topic,
I've been kind of meaning to ask

You.

Perfecti?

[Sighs]
oh.

Believe me, lots of emotional
housecleaning came to terms with

Just that.

[Alarm ringing]
fool!

I should destroy you!

But I shall let you live
if only that you may tell your

Children of this day--
the day that a perfectly

ex*cuted plan led to the perfect
crime.

Remember my name!

Perfecti?

Perfectionist!

Perfectionist!

It continues on the back!

Since my client is unable to
speak, we've arranged for a

Device to allow him to testify.

Tell us, bobby, of the dreadful
day you purchased the devlin

Toy.

Kid says he bought it at a
flea market.

Can I see that one?!

No, the motorcycle!

Once you got the toy home...

Hey, bud,
watch the b*ll s*ck.

I don't swing that way, shirley.

But that is not the end of
the story.

[Whimpering]
and...

Be evil.

Well, I can't just be evil.

I mean, it doesn't work that
way.

I need motivation.

Wait here.

And, go.

Owie!

You have awakened my wrath,
youngster!

More shrill!

One day very soon,
you will regret having crossed

Swords with x the eliminator!

Uh, pardon me.

Is this your kid?

What?

Oh, no!

No, we're just practicing some
evil patter.

Yeah.

Just practicing--
kind of like a little game.

Oh.

Bone's healed.

Tangy, mount her up!

Oof!

The jury hates us!

People are glaring.

You gotta do something.

Hot meat spread.

Bring it.

And now, tommy, just for you,
I'm gonna ram my tater clean

Through that jury box!

[Screaming]
we're gonna need to create a

Story for you.

You mean like
an origin story?!

Yes!

I always wanted one of those.

Yes, right.

There was a lab experiment
that went horribly awry.

Now, a bird--don't interrupt me.

And this is why you hate
birdman...

Bird flew in through window
and knocked a vial out of your

Hands into a tank, and--
wha-pammo!

Your lips were blown off.

But they weren't.

I mean, won't people know that
I'm lying?

You're wearing a mask.

Oh, ok, right, yeah.

Well, I'll have to practice
talking without my lips,

Won't i?

Ha ha.

[Inhales]
I ab ax the elibibabadator.

Darn, that's really hard.

Can--what--can I just say I lost
my eyebrows?

Mr. Freezoid, your witness.

Aagh!

Do you recognize this?

It's my action figure.

Cycle track and kerosene sold
separately.

Can you read this for us?

"Small parts.

Not to be sold to children--
and some adults."

I didn't say that.

It don't look anything like my
handwriting.

Nothing further.

Your honor,
we'd like to plead guilty

And throw ourselves on
the mercy of the--

I got it!

A benefit jump!

Come again.

I'll do a charity jump.

And all the money--
after costs--goes to the kid.

Tell me,
is there an excellent chance

That you won't be walking away
from this one?

It's me, ain't it?

Ooh!

Tomorrow it is!

Ah ha ha!

What's the stunt?!

The scungy river.

I'm gonna jump you,
you b*tch!

You already tried that one...

Unsuccessfully!

I'm gonna do it again
and again.

And I'm gonna keep doing it till
these legs won't let me mount

Nothing or nobody no more.

Oh, no!

Step the final.

You write letters to your
enemies and apologize to them.

Then you promise them you'll be
twice as hateful to them in the

Future as you were in the past.

Ready?!

I...

I am.

"Dear birdman...

Dear birdgirl...

Dear zardo..."

Today is all mine!

Own it outright!

♪ And nobody's gonna
take it away

From me ♪
yes, that's good!

Now, this feeling you've
got right now,

Hold onto it.

Wait.

Where are you going?

Dog-walking gig.

I'm not exclusive to you.

You, halt!

I have letters to post.

Fast like!

Is that understood?

Sure.

Perfect!

Darling, a little less trill!

Bring it down a bit.

Wait!

Isn't this judy's office?

Oh, never mind.

You--the object of my hatred--
stand and prepare to meet thy

Fate!

Did you get my letter?

I was just reading it.

So?!

It's unbelievable!

Stunning, even.

And is it evil?!

Sure, I guess.

You've bared your soul.

You've owned up to past
mistakes--and that's just on

Page one!

And what about this part
where i, and only i, get to

Decide who hears my wretched
story?

Loved it!

Oh, thank you!

So, you think it will help me
reach my goal?

What goal?

Eliminating birdman,
of course.

Aw, I don't see why not.

Wait?

Eliminating birdman?

That's the thinking.

You must be stopped!

[Whistles]
boy, judy has a nifty laser

Console, doesn't she?


And, boy, that swiveling seat
is a nice idea!

Bird-ray is go!

Hey, what does that mean?

[Beeping]
oh.

Ok, understood.

[Screaming]
[bird screeches]

wh*res are for heroes!

That's not a motorcycle!

It's a rocket.

Gyp.

What did he say?

So, what did you think?

Of what?

The letter!

Harvey birdman?

Typical.

[Beeping]
he's ok!

The parachute deployed.

[Applause]
[boom]

Oh!

Well, everybody, between
ticket sales and ernie's

Insurance settlement, bobby's
hospital bills are all taken

Care of.

And it looks like he's gonna
have a roommate.

[Groaning]
ooh!

What?!

A follow-up 5-step program?!

Quack!

I was happier being unhappy.

[Laughter]

♪ Harvey birdman is over ♪