04x03 - Babysitter

[bunniefuu]

This for the luncheon, this
for the class picture, and I was

Thinking this for the mixer.

Where's he going again?

My high school reunion.

No taffeta?

Taffeta!

Damn it!

[Toy squeaking]
well, that should do it.

See you on monday.

[Door closes]
what was I thinking?

You need a babysitter.

Oh, who owes me?

Who owes me?

All right, everything you need
to know is in the binder.

Oh, don't forget soccer
practice.

It's our turn to bring cupcakes.

[Door closes]
birdman, get in here.

Sigh.

Birdman, big news.

Big new--where are you going?

High school reunion.

Where are you going?

Big news--wait.

Already said that.

Walk with me.

So I got this tremendous
opportunity--my own law firm.

Might put my name in the title.

Get a big s-shaped desk.

Great for interviews.

A spin-off, if you will.

But you already have a law
firm.

That's the problem with you,
birdman--short-sighted.

Got to think big.

So...you're leaving us?

I wouldn't say that.

I'll just be extemely busy on
the new show--uh, firm.

But I'll be popping by
occasionally.

Think of me as a contributor,
a senior correspondent...

In law.

Before I go, I'm gonna need
somebody to run the ship,

A new captain.

Yes?

Harvey, you've been there for
me through thick and--

[Truck horn blaring]
...chunky.

And now I'd like to reward you
by--

Yes?

Making you my new--
uh, phil?

He's gone.

Now comes the time for grieving.

And then we move on.

[Captioning made possible by
turner entertainment group]

♪ Who's the man
in the suit?

Who's the cat with the beak?

Do you really want
to feel him?

Harvey attorney
habeas corpus

Marvey attorney!

Harvey birdman
attorney at law ♪

Harvey birdman
attorney at law ♪

[Inhales, exhales]
ah, the sweet smell of vacuum.

[Vacuum humming]
[turns off vacuum]

A vacuum of power.

Debbie, get me mcquilken.

Daddy?

I love this job.

Where's daddy?

Uh, he went on a...uh...

Vaca...neymoon.

Vacaneymoon?

With aunt phyllis?

He didn't say anything about--
they eloped.

Silly kids.

But elopement's for the
wedding, not the vacaneymoon.

Be happy for them.

It's a joyous time.

Do you know where they're
staying?

I need him to sign this--
blech!--Sex-ed permission form

For my community college health
class.

He just said "cocoa butter,"
and like that, he was gone.

[Phone speed-dialing]
[line ringing]

[Cell phone ringing]
[beep]

Ha ha ha!

Not here, literally.

[Beep]
great set-up you got here:

Booze, broads, a statue.

Just like college, huh?

Yeah.

Only thing that'd make it better
is having you around, but, hey,

You're in sales.

You manufacture junk in the far
east and market it as junk from

The faaaaaar east.

I'd hire you right now, but I
wouldn't want to insult you.

Go ahead, insult me.

You, uh, you want a job?

It'd be laughs.

Everyone get in here!

g*ng, let me introduce you to
our newest hire, cubby

Mcquilken.

Hey, you don't have the power
to hire people.

Want to bet?

Hey, ha-ha, you're hired!

[Line ringing]
[cell phone ringing]

Ha ha!

Sad.

[Beep]
gah!

The race w*r!

It's started.

Back off!

Hi, I'm bored.

What are we gonna do?

For pete's sake, it's...

The middle of the night and
certainly well past your

Bedtime.

This is the treatment I get
on my birthday.

Birthday?

Comes once a year.

Prove it.

How?

Driver's license.

If I had a driver's license,
would I need a babysitter?

[Sighs]
what do you want for your

Birthday?

Sleepover!

Yay!

I'm gonna have a sleepover!

Hmm, I'll call jenna and jayna
and janna and--ooh, jenya.

[Dance music playing]
harvey birdman?

Uh, yes...

Teddy.

You remember this lady?

Mary volcanus.

You two dated in high school.

Well, not dated.

Went to dances--frosh prom,
junior prom.

Senior mixer.

I'll leave you two alone.

Look, no tweaking, no
adjusting, no schmutzing, no

Smudging, and most importantly,
no breaking.

Sit in the middle of this room
and do not move from the middle

Of this room.

Oh, and have fun.

[Doorbell rings]
welcome to peanut chez

L'baby ol--oh.

There's something wrong!

Gosh, what could that be?

Oh, h* h* h*, yeah!

You weren't invited.

That's no way to treat your
little friend.

Jenna?

Jayna?

Ja mo be there?

[Microphone feedback]
attention, employees.

This is peter potamus, your ceo
pro temporary.

There's changes astump.

Perhaps you noticed.

I have just concluded an
exhaustive study of the state of

The firm, and my research
indicates that income...

Income has been steadily
trending down.

[Truck horn blows]
so, as of today, we'll be

Transitioning from the practice
of law to the practice of

Selling stuff, cub-amus stuff.

To explain it better, I'd like
to introduce our vice president

Of strategic targeting and
collateral damage, cubby

Mcquilken.

Go ahead.

Hey-dee-h*-deah!

My name is mcquilken, so I'll
keep it mcquicklike.

Heh heh heh!

I don't know a bunch about
law.

I am a salesman, but you
already know that because you

Use my products, like the
mcspillken wonder mop...

It dusts and buffs.

The mcquillpen...

It writes.

And my latest, choklit
mcquilken, the wonder low-fat

Co-co-a.

Big with bulimics.

Sales is my life.

Sales bought me that hot tub
filled with cash, cash!

Seriously, it's filled with
cash, wet cash.

And if everybody plays ball,
that'll simply make me richer.

He doesn't need this job.

Just remember my business
mantra: play it for laughs.

Mcquilken out!

[Dance music playing]
you still a superhero?

No, I'm a lawyer now
pretty much.

Oh.

Yeah.

You?

No, tv's pretty much my life.

What would you do if I died?

That's enough.

Time for party games.

Spin the bottle...

Eww.

Meets 7 minutes in heaven.

What's that?

You, me, closet, magic.

[Kiss]
you realize there's

Absolutely no chance we'll be
kissing, right?

Yeah, duh, of course.

You're like my sister...

[Speed-dialing]
which, given a little thought,

Could be a very hot concept.

You've reached cub-amus
industries.

We're out playing it for laughs!

Ha ha!

[Beep]
there's something's wrong

Back at the office.

Daddy's--mr. Sebben's not
answering his phone.

We've got to assemble the
birdteam and get to the bottom

Of this.

How dare you!

I leave the room to look for my
uno deck, and you two end up

Bumping uglies on the floor like
animals.

Out!

That's right.

The orgy's over, and to bed
with you, caligula.

You've got suzuki violin and
fencing in the morning.

Birdteam is go.

I suppose a bedtime story is
out of the question?

[Sniffing]
[beep]

[Muffled cell phone ringing]
[cell phone ringing]

[Beep]
uh, hello?

Don't you see the bird
signal?

Bird signal?

What's the point of having a
signal if nobody's gonna pay

Attention?!

You can park that right here.

Have you seen daddy?

I think there's something wrong.

Wait.

Nobody's told you?

See you in 20 years!

What are you doing?

Getting marble-ized.

What's he doing?

Uh, fondling phil's
collection of commemorative eye

Patches.

Out!

You can't order us out!

We're the boss of you--
bird-a-rang!

[Groaning]
that feels not good.

[Cell phone rings]
yes?

I'm here.

Where are you?

I'm here.

Wait.

Are you in the bookstore?

You're not supposed to go
where the beacon ends.

You're supposed to come back
here!

Oh.

What's going on?

Cub-amus?

Birdman, cubby mcquilken--
running buddy and business

Partner.

Phil's dead 10 minutes and--
[gasps]

You take his name off the
firm?

Yes, phil's dead.

[Gasps]
dead, I tell you!

But it's what dead phil would
have wanted.

Dead?

Phil--daddy--is dead?

Who's phil?

I'm sorry, judy.

Shh!

Oh, oh, sorry, birdgirl.

I should have told you earlier,
but I wanted to tell you in

Person.

I understand.

I don't really, but let's just
go with that.

Tell me, can you, uh, let
judy know?

[Sobbing]
I'll be sure to tell her.

Now, before I left, phil was
about to put me in charge, and

That being his last wish, I
think I'll just abide by it.

Here.

I wash my hands of this filthy
beast.

If you could see what he did to
my toile coverlet!

Aaah!

Well, everybody, I mean it
when I say that in some way, we

All carry a piece of phil deep,
deep inside us.

[Sniffling]
[muffled cell phone ringing]

[Laughter]
...aaah!

Aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah-aaah-
aaah!

Back off.

♪ Harvey birdman is over ♪