03x04 - Bird Girl of Guantanamole

[bunniefuu]

You're surrounded!
Come out with your hands up!

What would you call that, sir,
a spider hole?

No, soldier,
l'd call that a mole hole.

Yes, sir, ace of clubs...
in the hole.

♪ Who is the man in the suit? ♪

♪ Who is the cat with the beak? ♪

♪ Do you really want to feel him? ♪

♪ Harvey attorney ♪

♪ Habeas corpus ♪

♪ Marvey attorney ♪

♪ Harvey Birdman,
Attorney at Law ♪

Everyone, it's take
Phil's daughter to work day.

l hereby volunteer to show her
the interior of every supply closet.

lt's important to encourage girls
to take up a professional career...

so that in the future, we have
a strong, motivated workforce...

that costs only 60% of
what it costs to pay a man.

Oh, Daddy.

Oh, Daddy.

What did l say about talking
while you were here?

Anyway, Judy thinks
she's interested in a law career.

That's right, and l've been
particularly interested...

in your work, Mr. Birdman.

Really?

Birdman,
don't get any ideas, you hear?

No touchy-touchy.
No rubby-rubby patty.

And no looky-looky-touchy.

- Sucky.
- Wait, you're leaving her?

Secret!

They nabbed you again
for flashing, didn't they?

Didn't you learn anything
from the last time?

Tsk tsk.

Rub, rub.

Please, go buy some pants.

No, it's my friend, Morocco Mole.

He's been held here for 2 years.

Gitmo.

- Actually, Gitmole.
- l see.

They arrested him crossing
the Algerian border...

and labeled him
an enemy combatant.

No trial, no charges,
and no way to get him out of there.

What was he doing in Algeria?

Vacationing.

Really? With all the civil w*r
and kidnappings and radical lslam?

They have a Sandals there.

Hmm. This looks serious,
very serious.

Excuse me.
l need to go powder my...nose.

That's a little kinky,
but l can certainly work with that.

Can l help you?

No, but l can help you.

And you are?

Birdgirl!

Your trusty legal sidekick.

Where'd you get that suit?

l sewed it myself.
Butterick.

Look, being a lawyer isn't dress-up.

lt isn't play or pretend.
Lawyering is dangerous.

You could get hurt! Ow!

Birdman, you better
not be touching my...

Birdman, who's the new help?

Are you gonna make
a move on her?

Because if you're not, l will.
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

l don't know, she just--

l'm no Fred Flintstone,
but l'm gonna make your bed rock.

Hark! The Birdphone!

- Huh?
- Birdteam!

Birdteam?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
No, not at all.

- We'll be right there!
- Who was it?

Someone needs a will.

But l have
this much bigger case right--

Quick! To the Birdmobile!

Um, OK.

Let me find my keys.

l can just clear
some space for you--

Move!

Look, l really don't need any help.

l work alone.
l prefer it that way.

Get in here!

Whoa!

That's research.

Hi. Excuse us.
ls now a good time?

Mr. Devlin, it's Harvey Birdman.

And Birdgirl!

Mr. Devlin, l hear
that you're interested in...

generating your will.

l'm sorry. What? Oof!

l'll use my super hearing.

Look out!

That's it!
You can't hang around anymore.

This is not a game.
Someone could have died back there...

before any billable services
were rendered.

Now, where am l dropping you off?

Right over there is fine.

Huh. That's funny.

My boss Phil lives right there.

You don't say.
Whatever are the odds?

Now, remember.
Don't come back till you're all grown u...

...have been to law school, you.

Well, she's taken care of
for a while, anyway.

Told her not to come back
until she's been to law school.

Having a diploma from
a 3-hour correspondence course...

doesn't make you a lawyer.

Has anyone seen my daughter?
Can't find her anywhere.

She looks like this.
Worried sick about her.

l know. Birdgirl.

Did he just call me Birdgirl?

l have a very important
mission for you.

Yes!

Help Phil find his daughter.
Shouldn't be hard.

Check the ladies room.
Or the break room.

Great idea, Birdman.

l'm sorry,
Vice President Birdman.

Oh, no. lt's impossible.

How can l help Phil find his daughter
when l am his daughter?

l'm sorry, what did you say?

l'm on it, Birdman. Come on, let's--

Let's find your--your daughter.

So, um, where did you last see her?

l'm sorry. What?

Your daughter. Seeing her last.
Where did you?

Oh, who cares about her?
She can take care of herself.

Let's talk about you.

You know, something's
wrong with my eyes...

l can't keep them off you.

That and l have this eye patch here.

Daddy!

Ooh, that's hot!
Say it again.

Yuck. Excuse me.
l forgot something.

Oh, don't worry.
l have the olives right here.

Olives, olives.

Where would l hide
if l were an olive?

Look out!

This...is not...good.

My dad wanting to get into my pants!

Here, hold this.

Judy, Hel--Ow!

You're back!

Come give Dad a hug.
Good to see you're alive.

Listen, l'm in the middle
of an important meeting...

but let's catch up soon.

Oh, like the boots.

My client,
incarcerated for 2 years...

stripped of his rights,
granted no trial...

and look,
look, l say, at how cute he is.

lt gets worse,
ladies and gentlemen.

ls this how we treat prisoners?

Cute ones?

ls this what is meant
by the Geneva Convention?

l've been to
some conventions like that.

Whoops, can't see that, honey.
That's for big girls.

Ladies and gentlemen,
do you know what could happen...

if we let this dangerous t*rror1st
out into society?

l have here a videotaped confession.

And what do you have planned?

Nothing...

Will stop me from setting off...

a radiological b*mb. Back off!

Hello.

So were you ever going to tell me
about your new best friend?

Best friend?

That perky girl.

The one who gets to spend
all that time with you.

Oh, her.

How'd you find out about that?

Oh, l have my ways.

How long has that been there?

Oh, l don't know, couple of years.

Couple of years?
Does that mean you saw--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
l got that one on tape.

Boy, you never
Google yourself, do you?

So, why didn't you ever ask me
to be your sidekick?

l didn't ask her.

Does she have a crest?

Look, X, you can't be my sidekick.

Number one,
l don't need a sidekick...

and number two,
you're always trying to k*ll me.

Oh, she's got a crest.

Oh, she's so lucky. So lucky.

She doesn't even--

She's on my list, Birdman...

as are you. Oh!

Any crest-bearing attorneys
must prepare to taste the bitter--

OK, she's gonna get it.

Yep, you, that one.

Oh, wait! ls today Thursday?

Zardo's recital. Damn it!

Mr. Mole...

may l see your uniform?

My uniform?

You're a soldier, are you not?

Show us your uniform.
t*rror1st! Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen...

the Geneva convention
applies only to soldiers...

and it clearly defines soldiers
as just those in military uniform.

Objection.
He isn't even wearing pants.

- Exactly.
- Neither am l.

ls that a crime?

Uh, yes. Yes, it is.

Since he's not a soldier,
under the Geneva convention...

we could do this,
and this, and--

That's enough, Curly.

Do we? No.

lnstead, we supply
this--this cabalist...

with a Koran, a string
of prayer beads, and a skull cap.

Which would be great
if he were Muslim.

He's not?
Then, what's the fez for, then?

Shriner, Third Degree, Clown Unit.

A handy cover.

You see, Morocco Mole
linked to Alazar...

Can't move.

...North Korea, lran, China,
Dixie Chicks...

Can't escape cross-examination.

Jon Stewart--
Oh, he's a tiny little man.

Objection!

Birdgirl--lt is Birdgirl, right?

Enchanté.

Your honor, exhibit 1A,
C.l.A. documents...

that prove our client
is in fact linked...

to those organizations
because he is a mole.

Not just in that way...

but a mole placed there
by the U.S. Government.

You're dead to me, can opener.

Uh, sorry. Wrong case.

For years, he risked his life...

working deep underground...

and this is the thanks he gets.

l think l need to see
a tiny bit more evidence...

with that whip thing. No?

You're all out with the whip?
OK, fine.

All right, the defendant
will be released immediately...

providing he promises
to steer clear of my yard.

Case dismissed.

l know l've been saying
l didn't need any help...

but, well, that was some
great litigating back there...

so l've been thinking,
maybe l do need a sidekick.

You're on the team.

l'm sorry.
The Birdteam!

You mean it?

You really, really,
really, really, really...

really, really, really, really, really...

Huh?

To the Birdpoles!