01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

Were you
or a loved one a victim

of the Noonan's cat rampage?

Call Villigan's Law
and get justice meow!

This country's gotten
too litigious.

Uh, didn't that cat
k*ll your step-kid?

-Yeah.
-What the--

Where'd she come from?

Sorry, boys.

This is your exit.

Whoa!

Time to remove
the hood ornament.

Huh?

Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Truck off, fellas!
We'll be taking your big load.

Not your best, babe.

I regretted it as soon as it
shot out of my mouth, babe.

Damn it!

-Whoa!
-Uh-oh!

Hang on, babe.

Gotcha!

-Chuck!
-Babe, it's Kite Man on the streets,

Chuck in the...

Babe, look!

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba
Here comes Bane! ♪

And now to do
a little shopping.

Ooh! They have the Guten Tag

three-piece
sectional set, babe!

And the Fjordside
coffee table, score!

You know, I don't mind
helping you guys move.

But please tell me
you're not going to put

that Thomas Blakemore piece

next to
the Fronkenschnitzelschnot.

♪ Hell, yeah!♪

Bane, there you are.
Put the couch right here.

Scooch a teeny bit to the left.

- Smidge to the right.
- Yes.

Just a hair north.

Hell, yeah.

Good timing, 'cause I need
to use the little Bane's room.

Actually, Bane, could you bring

the Vad Ar Klockan table in
before you go?

I want to see how it looks

under my brand new collection
of nautical flags.

Fine, I will hold it.
But it's scientifically proven

that it is not good
for the bowel.

It'll be quick, I promise.

Babe, we need to get rid
of this disgusting, old wallpaper.

I mean, how much
coke was Noonan doing?

I don't know, babe.
It's very '80s. I kinda like it.

We're getting rid
of the wallpaper.

Oh, this is so bitchin'!

Our new home.

-And a whole new start.
-Hell, yeah!

I had no idea you were
this into ships and boats.

"A boat is a home
you can take anywhere."

No doubt. Wow,
we've literally just moved in,

and I'm already learning
so much more about you.

Hey, babe, this gallery wall
is kinda lopsided.

I mean, this is our home.

It should have pictures
from both of our families.

No, we should change it up.

Take all new pictures
of just us.

Come on, babe,
you gotta have some baby pics.

I bet you were so adorable.

I don't have any pics
from my childhood.

What? Not even
with Captain Cold?

Like a sweet bro-sis pic?

I said we don't have
any pictures!

Okay.

Now, where is Bane
with the table?

You know, Babe, every time I bring up
your fam, you change the subject.

I do not.

Babe, honestly,

who do you think
is the best Jack Ryan, huh?

Babe, I know
what you're trying to do.

You want me
to say Harrison Ford.

But for me,
it is all Affleck all day.

There's my guy.

Oh, to be with someone

where we could decorate
a nautical apartment.

I'm turtling!

Get out of my way,
ominous signage!

And the denouement.

Sometimes the courtesy flush
is just for you.

Thank you, Bane.

I did not notice

this shag carpet
in the bathroom earlier.

Tres '80s and very impractical.

Huh? Hm.

I wonder where Kite Man
and Golden Glider went.

They really gave this place
a whole new look

in the brief time
I was pooping.

Hm.

A mint condition newspaper
from the 1980s.

Hello, eBay!

- Hey, hey! Hey, sweet thing!
- Hey!

Take your toxic masculinity

and send it back to the '80s
where it belongs!

Uh, wait a minute.

The bathroom decor.

The newspaper.

The socially acceptable
sexual harassment.

I've been flushed to the 1980s!

And that's why
if I ever get my dream dog,

which is a golden doodle,
I'll name it Jack Ryan.

No one can argue with that.

We need to bring the fridge up.

Is... is Bane still
in the bathroom?

Huh. Looks like
he went out the window.

He bailed on helping us move?

Ugh, freaking Bane.

Hello? Toilet?

I would like to be flushed
back to the future, please.

Damn you, portal potty!

My friends are probably
panicking right now.

There must be another way out!

Hm?

Gilder was right.

These walls look nice
without that hideous wallpaper.

Wait a minute!

If I write a message
on this wall,

Kite Man and Golden Glider

will see it when
they remove the wallpaper!

Wall, you will send my message
through time!

Well, now that it's just us,

we can talk about
your family sitch.

Huh. "Help!"

I found a portal potty
and took 'splosive sh*t

and when I flushed,
I got stuck in the past."

Hm. "'Splosive."

That sounds like
something Bane would say.

You think Bane
is stuck in the past?

And there she goes
changing the old subject again.

Come on,
tell me about your childhood.

Please stop talking
about this, Chuck.

Fine, fine, babe. Fine.

It looks like
it's time to jack it.

As in, do what
Jack Ryan would do.

You found it!

Captain Cold.

Uh, I thought we were meeting
at your place.

This is my place. Epic, right?

Yeah.

Uh, so I'm here

'cause your sister and I moved
into an apartment together.

No sh*t!
Congratulations, buddy.

-We talkin' two-bed, two-bath?
-Uh...

-1.5 bath?
-Uh, it's a two-bed, two-bath.

But back to the thing
I came here for.

Um, I was just hoping
to get the 411

about what life was like
for you and Glider growing up.

Well, Kite Dude, that sounds
like the kind of conversation

we should have in our kitchen
over a few cold ones

from our fridge.

Yeah, no.

Look, can you at least give me
a childhood pic of Glider?

I just need something
to hang on our gallery wall.

Vape cartridge,


That's just for my porn.

Got the greatest hits on there.
Found it!

That's her and Dad!

Wait, you guys went
to Noonan's as kids?

Yep, that was taken the day
our parents died there.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We bought and are now
living above the bar

my girlfriend's parents
died in?

Eh, you should ask Lisa.

But I gotta warn you,
she's real sensitive about it.

Totally, totally.

Well, uh, I gotta run.

I guess, thanks for the picture

and the paradigm shifting info
about my girlfriend's past.

Mm. Still no bars!

The '80s was not a good decade
for cell service.

Or candy! Candy Cigarettes?

Those are
not appropriate treats.

What next? Chocolate beer?

Ah! Well, that looks fun.

Hold up. There is no lifeguard,
and no fence!

That is not a pool.
It is a drowning machine.

Hey!

You kids all need sunblock!

You're begging for skin cancer.

Whoa!

"Asbestos installation"?
You cannot install that!

Oh, my God, the '80s
is nothing but a minefield

of irresponsibility
and certain death.

♪ I love it! ♪

So I said, "Was that
my umbrella up your a*s?"

You see?

Lafftrak get it.

What did I tell you
about laughing in my bar?

How's my least favorite
teetotaler doing?

I'm fantastic, Sean.
I just made partner.

I think I might celebrate
with my first ever drink.

Here's our c*ck menu.

I suppose just one
Slippery Slope can't hurt.

Want a beer chaser?

Make it a six-pack!

Six-pack it is!

Wow, Dubelz Brothers!

You look so... both alive.

Yeah, we've been eating
more fiber lately.

-Life changing stuff.
-That's probably it.

What a stugots.

I'd rather get
my brains blown out

than hang out with that guy.

Psst. Noonan. Sean.

I'm sorry, have we met?

It is me, Bane!

I'm from the future.

I used the Portal Potty

and now I don't know
how to get back!

What? What?

A Portal Potty? Ha!

I don't have a clue
what you're talking about.

Look, there's only one way
you can get back to the future.

And if you mess this up,
you're screwed.

You have to take a piss
in the Portal Potty

and then flush.

That's it?

I thought it might be
more complicated.

You need to get out of here
as soon as possible

because the first rule
of time travel is,

"Don't change anything."

f*cking with the future

won't turn out
the way you think.

I won't be here long enough
to f*ck with anything.

Hm?

♪ I'm ready for a man to come
And make my... ♪

Hello! Who is that?

♪ Give me love
That lasts a life ♪

♪ A love where we can build
A home ♪

♪ I need a big, strong man ♪

♪ Who sees exactly what
The future holds ♪

♪ Who knows our fairytale... ♪

I have found
the love of my life!

Well, the love
of my past life!

Well, the... the... the love
of my life in the past!

God damn you, you stupid fly!

Enjoy my reckoning!

You m*therf*cker!

Oop! Sounds like
the fun started downstairs.

Hey, babe, I found
this thing in the attic.

Where did you get that?

It's a long story
involving an ice cream truck.

You went to see my brother?

Wow! Babe,
you're a great guesser.

How could you do that to me?

I have told you a million times
to stop asking about my family!

I was just trying to do
something nice for you.

How can we live together

if I don't know basic things
about you?

Like, um, maybe how
your parents died

at the bar we own
and live above.

Wow, you're a little
know-it-all, aren't you?

I guess Kite Man
knows everything.

Literally the first time
anyone has ever said that.

Because you don't!

Do you want to know
what actually happened?

Yes! More than anything.

Ugh!

- I was five years old.
- You dumb b*tch.

My parents were doing
their favorite thing

in their favorite place,
fighting in a bar.

...I'll tell you that.

If I could go back in time
and stop myself

from knocking you up
in the bathroom

at the Slap and Wash,

I could have married
someone actually hot

like Ally Ringwald
or Molly Sheedy.

Lawrence, you shithead,
you're making a scene.

I had just gotten
my first pair of ice skates.

Hey, Mom, Dad! Stop fighting!

- Watch me skate!
- You're a loser.

- I said stop fighting!
- You're a drunk.

You've had enough!

Stupid b*tch!

Fast forward, I blacked out,
and when I came to,

I had used my powers
for the first time...

-...k*lling my parents.
-Oh, no.

So, you see why I'm not excited
about a photo taken

right before I destroyed
my family?

Babe, I...

You were just a kid.

You didn't mean
to do any of that.

Why did you want to buy the bar
where you k*lled--

Well, where your parents died.

I thought I could start over
and replace the shitty memories

from my childhood
with happy ones.

Babe, I love you,

but is it possible
that shelling out ten milli

to buy
the parent-death-trap bar

is not the path to healing?

Maybe we shouldn't
run Noonan's.

Moving in together
was a giant mistake.

I need to get some air.

Ugh! Just forget it!

"Your clothes,
give them to me now."

Excuse me?

Terminator? No?

I'm more
of a Predator gal anyway.

A sexual predator.

Whoa! I don't think that means
what you think it means.

Well, I think
I know what it means,

that you just k*lled
my boyfriend.

The fly
is your boyfriend?

Not anymore.

Uh-oh.

The lemon wedge from my drink
fell into my t*ts.

Want a whiff?

♪ Fairytale will be... ♪

I must speak to her.

Rebecca Chen?

I'd be careful about that.
She's married.

Of course an angel like her
is taken.

I feel bad for that broad.

I'd hate getting stuck
with kids.

That's why I got a bug zapper
in my cooch.

Uh, hello!

Your singing is magical.

You are so sweet.

And I love that tank top.

Jesus Christ,
I'm going to marry this woman!

-I'm sorry, what?
-Uh, I said, Jesus Christ!

Can I buy you a drink?

Hey, Lisa.

- Look here!
- Hey!

Quit it, you jerk!

Got ya.

-Your children are adorbs.
-Meh.

In fact, this one reminds me
of a little Golden Glider.

Golden Glider? That name's rad!

Leonard, you gotta call me
Golden Glider from now on.

♪ I wish I lived on a boat
Or a ship! ♪

OMG, she is Golden Glider!

Daddy!

WTF.

What is Bane doing
in this picture?

He hasn't aged a day.

Wait a minute.

The wall, the writing,
the writing on the wall,

the letters and the words,
the writing.

Bane is stuck in the past

on the same day
that Glider kills her parents!

So then I 'sploded him!

Isn't that hilarious?

-Rebecca?
-I'm sorry.

It's just...
It's been a long day,

and my shitbag husband
doesn't--

I can explode him for you
if you like.

Whoa. Totally radical.

Kite Man! Think about it.

You came back to save me.

However,
I do not need rescuing.

I have found my true love.

I don't have time for this.

I have a plan,
and I need your help.

Anything!
What are best friends for?

Oh... Best friends?

Well, okay. All right.
Well, yeah.

Uh, anyway, I need
to chat with you privately.

Anything for my best dawg!

-Okay.
-Kaboom sound!

Great.

I came back here to stop Glider

from k*lling her parents,
thus saving her childhood,

thus healing
her lifelong trauma,

hence saving our relationship

all in one fell scoop!
Or do I mean swoop?

God, I miss Glider so much.
She always knows what I mean.

Golden Glider is going to k*ll
her super-hot mom

who I've just fallen
in love with?

No, I just told you,
we're stopping it.

But changing the the past
has consequences.

But on the other hand,
if Golden Glider's father dies,

that is one less obstacle
I have to overcome

to being with Becca,
because I'm going to save her.

BT-dubs, I call her Becca.

I'm thinking at some point
it will be relaxed to Becs.

But we are not there yet.

You are just gonna have
to figure out another way

to get rid of Glider's dad.

So, now I have to wait

for a trial separation
and then a divorce?

Do you know how long
that can take?

It will drag out to 1993!

Ugh, Chuck was just trying
to do a nice thing,

and now you dumbass
ruined move-in day.

I rule!

Ha!

Welcome back, roomie!

What are you doing here?

I thought you were living

in a kiddie-diddler
ice cream van.

Kite Dude didn't tell you?

He gave me the green light
to move in with you guys.

Said he was ecstatic.

Yeah, he doesn't know
what ecstatic means.

-Now get the hell out!
-No problem.

I'll just stay
with Mom and Dad.

Oh, wait! I can't
because you k*lled them.

f*ck you! Where's Kite Man?

"Hey, babe, I'm in the '80s.

Gonna stop you from k*lling
your parents. BRB"?

"PS, please DVR Young Sheldon."

Oh, Chuck, what have you done?

Ha! Kite Dude is gonna die

trying to change
your childhood.

And you're the one
who's gonna k*ll him.

-Cheap shot!
-Oh, shut up!

Now I'm gonna be
in the bathroom

for as long as it takes.

Gross!

...if I could
stop myself...

...from knocking you up at the bathroom
at the Slap and Wash,

-I could have married someone actually hot...
-Oh, my God.

-...like Ally Ringwald.
-This was that day.

-Or Molly Sheedy!
-Lawrence, you shithead.

You're making a scene.

Hey, Mom, Dad! Stop fighting!
Watch me skate!

I said stop fighting!

Yeah, as*h*le!

How hard is it
to watch her skate?

You've had enough.

Stupid b*tch!

Becca!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down, calm down.

Everything's gonna
be all right.

Oh, no, Chuck! No!

- Oh, no! What's happening?
- Oh, no, no!

Just don't...

Babe, you saved me.

Babe, of course I did.

But I didn't save your parents.

Thus, I didn't save
your whole childhood.

Hence your trauma
remains not erased.

Oh, my shitty childhood
isn't what matters.

What matters is now.

And you are my now.

What... happened?

Oh, my God,
I didn't k*ll my mom!

I'm batting 500! Hell, yeah!

Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.

So am I.

Do I know you?

No, but you will.

I just wanted to-- Oh!

Oh, I hope you live
the life you've always wanted.

Babe, you are super cute.

Hey, if you ever meet a guy
named Eddie McGhee

and he tells you
he's allergic to condoms,

do not believe him.

Babe, I can't tinkle
with you staring at me.

Babe, we're roommates now.

I assumed we'd have
an open door pee policy.

Uh, babe, no, we don't.

And we never will.
Please, turn around.

Feels good to be home.

I know it's not a boat, babe,
but it's ours.

Yeah, who needs a boat
when you have a kite?

Heard of knocking?

Are those margaritas

that you spilled
all over my bed?

You are f*cking worthless.

Get out! Go live with Mom now
since we just saved her.

What are you talking about?

You k*lled her and Dad,
you psycho!

What? No. Mom didn't die.

Well, then where is she?

My love, even though
I was warned

that changing the future
could have dire consequences,

I said, "f*ck it!"

I'm staying right here to live
happily ever after with you.

Yeah, whatever.

Now that my husband is gone,

It's like that random woman said,

I can live the life
I've always wanted.

Yes! Yes!

-Yes!
-But your children?

Where is my mom?

-Uh, she is not here.
-What do you mean?

She certainly
did not abandon you.

It's much better news
than that.

She, uh, died in the 'splosion!

-What?
-Okay.

I gotta get back to the future.

I sure as sh*t
am not doing two sequels

to this damn story.

Where are the pictures
of my mom?

There is literally nothing here
to indicate that she's alive.

What the f*ck happened to her?

♪ Hell, yeah! ♪