01x03 - Villagin's, Hell Yeah!

[bunniefuu]

Babe, I need
more shot glasses--

Oh! Trevor?

What are you doing
staying late after class?

Uh, what?

Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, teacher,

it's me, Trevor, your student,

wondering how I might
get up my grade.

I think we can find you
some extra credit.

And I want a good look
at your locker,

I hear it's so dirty.

Oh, so dirty.

In fact, I'm so dirty,

you should probably
check me for lice.

Check you for... Babe,

isn't that more
of a grade school thing?

I don't think...

I'm pretty sure we had
lice checks in my high school.

Oh. Well, then,
let me get a comb

and my rubber gloves.

Oh, gonna use
your special lice comb?

Oh, you know I am.

Any nits or larvae?

Oh, yeah.

Check him for lice

you dirty strumpet.

- Sixpack!
- What are you doing in here?

Looking for peanut butter.
Found it.

Sixpack,

remember what we said
about boundaries--

This is employees only!

You wet-brained perv!

You didn't overhear any...

- None of that?
- Ah, nah. No.

But for the record,

lice checks are more
of a school nurse thing.

You know, for next time.

Uh-huh.

Now, where were we?

Well, Nurse Glider,
I was thinking you could

take my temperature
the baby way.

♪ Hell, yeah ♪

Sixpack wants
a triple gin Provencal, neat.

Fancy drink for a guy
who is passed out.

Sixpack's orders
get more upscale

the drunker he gets.

He's a reverse bridesmaid.

Reverse bridesmaid?

Oh, yeah. Bridesmaids
start the wedding

with, like, a French martini,
but by the end of the night,

they're sucking up
paint thinner

somebody spilled on the bar.

That is so true!

I don't know how to make a--
Oh! Wait a sex.

Glider has drink recipes
on her computer.

All right, let's see...
Dap-a-dap-dap...

Uh... Time out.

Does she actually
let you use her laptop?

Ah, this would be a first,

but I'm sure
she's cool with it.

- Stalker much?
- Hello?

- What's hers is yours.
- Privacy?

"Work stuff." That's me.

After all, I'm the biz
pahd-na,

so no probs clickety
clacking this folds.

- Oops.
- Jesus f*ck!

Finish a word!

Whoa. Stop the trolley.

Relationship Milestones
Checklist?

It says here,

at one year you should
be living together

or just break up.

We're 14 months!

- Yikes!
- Better find a place.

- You suck, dude
- News flash, you suck.

Open communication
is the key to trust.

Perhaps you should wait

and discuss this
with Golden Glider.

Wait? He's two months late.

- You know...
- Two months...

- The ship has sailed...
- If he takes any more...

Okay, look what I found.
Wha--

Were you guys plotting
to k*ll me or something?

Babe, these have been
the best 14 months of my life.

The only thing I would change?

The two rents part.

Lisa Snart...

aka Golden Glider,

would you make me the luckiest
roommate-with-benefits on Earth

and move in with me?

Is it me or does this guy

fake propose
for f*cking everything?

Babe, I...

I mean, what is this?

It's a key
which symbolically opens

the door to wherever
we move in together.

Chuck, this is so...

Oh, no. The work folder.

I, uh...

No. I can't move in with you.

Hey, while you're down
on the floor,

you might wanna look
under some tables,

for your f*cking ba*ls.

- Give the guy a break.
- He got you!

Those are long gone my friend.

Um, babe, was just noodling

and thought maybe
we should discuss

what happened...

Totally. Just crazy busy
right now, babe.

Inventorying the straws.

- Ah! Super important.
- Oh, yeah. Super important.

True that. Yeah.

You know, I should do the same
with the bev napkins.

Well, in the words

of Archduke Ferdinand's
bodyguard,

"I sure biffed this one."

Totally put Glider on the spot
when she wasn't ready.

Oh, come on.
You're following the rules

of her own spreadsheet, right?

I thought so. I mean,
things were going amazing

and yet she defied
her own spreadsheet.

Maybe she does
want to move in together.

She just doesn't want
to move in together with you.

Yeah, face it,
you're eating a meatball

too big for your mouth.

She's a devastating
k*lling machine

and you got a kite.

This is why I don't date
anyone less powerful than me.

Or the poor.

Shiznit!

I mean, maybe she's not
into me anymore.

You think? guys?

Where'd everyone go?

Across the street.

♪ Villigan's ♪

Eat my a*s,

a Villigan's opened
across the street?

What'd they do?
Put it up overnight?

They have got
the franchising down.

I am going to miss
that Unitarian church.

Ugh, all our customers
went over there.

Hey, can I get off early today?

No!

We are so f*cked!

Damn it. I knew legitimate
business was a bad idea.

Well, hold on. Okay.

So, a competitor
opened across the street.

You know what?

This could be the villain
bar and restaurant district.

Oh, I don't know.
Villigan's is a huge chain.

They could bury us
like they buried

Beefsteak Charlie's
and Shnazzy's Sitz 'n Gritz...

And Tamale Junction.

Miss those tamales everyday.

How about this?

I'll go do some recon.

Get the hot goss,

see what's crackalacking,

come back
and game plan this bizzy.

Gotta love Bane's
can-do attitude.

We're toast.

What is Bane doing?

How long does it take
to scope a place out?

Courtesy of Villigan's
management.

Wait, that wasn't...

Riddler? No.

Villigan's is villain-themed.

The staff all dress
like famous villains.

That would offend the sh*t
out of me if it wasn't so fun.

Well, what is this for?

"To the owners of Noonan's.

A gift basket from your new
neighbors at Villigan's."

Three day-passes
for Queen of Kings Spa.

Oh! I'm going
by myself three times.

Um, this is addressed
to the owners.

Sure. Butter us up
before they fry us in the pan.

Actually, babe,

couples spa date?

We can get intimately
rubbed down

by strangers side-by-side.

Maybe, you know,
in there somewhere

discuss today's
spreadsheet snafu...

Uh, yeah. Or, you know,

I never really get to bond
with the girls here

and female friendships
are so important.

- No, they're not.
- Free spa day.

Right, yes, super true, babe.

Take the girls!

- I am shouting.
- I like that plan.

Those spas are nude.

Gives me a chance
to do some body shopping.

This one has to sh*t
anytime I have sugar.

Great. All right.
Well...

Um...

Oh. Okay.

Wow. Yeah. Mmm.

- Bye.
- Uh, bye now.

She wants nothing
to do with me.

That's loser talk.

Ow! Sean!

You want her
to move in with you?

There are two things
women can't resist.

A good smack on the a*s

and solving a big problem.

And Villigan's
is a big problem.

You're right. I'll prove
I'm move-in worthy

by solving
the Villigan's problem.

Oh, and we don't smack
on the a*s anymore,

but we do send flirty sexts.

Have a blast with
the ladies, comma,

and I'll have a blast
for you later, period.

Send.

Hell, yeah.

Now, to solve
that Villigan's problem.

Whoa!

Wow! Whoa!

Where did they even get that?

Villigan's doesn't
miss a beat.

I mean,
this is the perfect homage

to all the great villains.
It's just like Planet Hollywood

was the perfect homage
to all the great planets.

But you know what? I actually
learn a lot from them, too.

Aw!

The breathalyzer
literally explodes.

So I says, "Now what, officer?

The alphabet again?"

So, now Joe's goomad is asking
why she hasn't heard from him.

And I'm, like,
"Sweetheart, reality check.

He's ghosting you."

Oh, we can't
compete with this.

- Table for one, sir?
- Bane?

Ooh! Kite Man.

Welcome to Villigan's.

You work here now?
What? How?

You know,

it actually happened
pretty organically.

These crooks think
they can put

the little guy
out of business.

We'll see about that.

What?

They've got a me?

Wow, I am important.

Hold up. He didn't even
greet that two-top.

And this customer over here
is waiting on a refill!

This guy is giving Bane
a bad name!

Excuse me? Garcon?

Does the soup contain gluten?

Well, look, I don't...

Well... Are we talking
of allergies

or just a preference?

And when they open
that patio seating,

those tips are gonna be
off the chain.

Well, I can't wait to see
their Fake Kite Man.

- Can... Can you introduce me?
- Hey!

Fake Calendar Man,

is Fake Kite Man
working tonight?

Nah, we don't have
a Fake Kite Man.

Fake Kite Man, no. Sorry.

They don't? What?

Wait, they have
a Fake Calendar Man,

but they don't have
a Fake Kite Man?

Well, look, it's so hard

to find good help,

that also, you know,

resembles such a super famous--

Thanks anyway, buddy.

- Garcon?
- Just a second!

Right here.
Oh, there's a knot.

- Mmm.
- It's very tight.

Oh, right there.

A little
ore pressure?

Oh, I can't believe
we can't have our phones.

Ah, this was
such a good idea.

I am crazy relaxed.

Don't touch my f*cking feet!

Isn't this fun?

So when are you
gonna dump Kite Man?

What? I'm not going
to dump him.

Your own spreadsheet says

if it's not time to move in,
it's time to move on.

Okay, okay.
I know, but...

I made it before I even
met Kite Man.

It was stupid.

And here's the truth.

I do wanna move in with him.

I'm just...
afraid I'll k*ll him.

- So?
- Why?

Because I can't
control my powers

if I get super emotional.

If we live together,

the first time he puts
a dish in the sink

instead of in the dishwasher,
which is three inches away,

I will lose my sh*t
and accidentally

turn him into a pool
of blood on the carpet.

Huh! Good luck getting
hard blood out of a rug.

Look at it like this,

if you k*ll him,
then it wasn't meant to be.

- Bingo!
- Yeah, I don't really

- see it that way--
- The hell?

A Villigan's Company?

A chain restaurant
owns this spa. Weird.

Also, they said
the mask would tingle,

but it does feel like
my face is being stabbed.

Oops.

Oops, my a*s!
That was no accident!

You just ripped my head off!

Oh, ow!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Ladies, I'm starting
to think this is a trap.

Starting to think?

How can I blame Glider for
not wanting to live with me?

I don't wanna live with me

and I don't have a clue

on how to get rid
of Villigan's.

I have a thought.

Go k*ll the manager.

What? Noonan,
that doesn't sound like

the way to handle a--

You think I kept this bar
open all these years

with friendly service? No!

I have k*lled more--

- I've never...
- What?

I've never k*lled
anyone before.

- What?
- Please do not tell anyone.

Okay? If that got out
at the Legion of Doom,

they would lose
all respect for me.

Your bigger problem
is your girl

will have no respect for you

if you lose this bar.

I'd do anything to make
sure that doesn't happen.

- Even...
- Even k*ll.

Do you have a weapon
I can borrow?

I got every weapon
you can borrow.

Whoa! All right.

Whoa! Very cool.

Very, very cool.

Let's pop that k*lling cherry.

What's this one?

All right, uh...
Cataclysmic Deionizer.

It's a nice choice.
It's discreet,

take off the lid like you're
gonna moisturize your lips,

point it at the manager,

squeeze, dead.

That is actually pretty nice.

Can I get you ladies

started with drinks?

Wow! We got Bane!

Yup. You got me.

So are we thinking...

Isn't the real Bane skinnier?

Joanne, you're awful!

But you're right.

I will get some bread
for the table.

Ugh!

Ha!

Oh, that's right.

Fighting is my self-care.

Chessure, get your toy.

Hey, watch the head.

Ow! So catching me
wasn't part of your plan?

Sorry, I've never been
good at sports.

sh*t. I can't stop thinking

that I hurt
Kite Man's feelings.

I really like him. And I never
like anyone! He's just so...

- Basic?
- Dumpable?

I was gonna say sweet.

And the weird thing is,
that makes me love him more

Malice, you okay?

Oh, yeah. This must
be our third date

because I'm about
to give you all some head.

How about a freaking
heads up next time?

You wait till the third date?

Yeah. Chastity
is the new edging.

That's one
big f*cking masseuse!

Hi, there. Uh...

I was hoping to maybe
speak to the manager.

'Scuse me, mister?

Oh! Hey, kiddo,
can I help you?

We got you
a skinny Marga-queefa.

Oh.

Uh, well,
that's adorable, sweetie.

I think maybe
you mean "Margarita."

But I didn't order anything.

Yeah.
This one's on the house.

And don't worry, it's virgin.

Just like you, Kite Man.

You know, perhaps I should
speak with your parents.

Eat sh*t. I'm 47.

I sued my parents
into homelessness years ago.

Name's Babydoll,
I run this place.

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.
You're the manager?

Something you wanted to ask me?

Um...

- No, I'm good.
- Didn't think so.

I'm looking forward
to Fl*ttening Noonan's

and putting in a big deck
for patio seating.

Big deck?

What can I say?

I love big decks.

Hang in there, Kite Man.
This ain't so bad.

This place is just so fake.

Agreed. It could
never be Noonan's.

I mean, Noonan's,
may it rest in peace,

was a place where we could all
sit at the bar

and just have a drink.

This place, could never
provide that.

♪ Birthday,
birthday, birthday ♪

♪ Today's your birthday ♪

♪ Birthday,
birthday, birthday ♪

♪ At Villigan's we say ♪

♪ Birthday,
birthday, birthday! ♪

♪ A birthday is a birthday ♪

♪ Birthday,
birthday, birthday ♪

It's a registered
trademark

of Villigan's incorporated!

- Yay!
- Happy birthday!

That is one toe-tapping

proprietary birthday song,
right there.

To Aiden!

If I had Aiden's
wish right now,

I'd wish Glider
would text me back

and this giant corporate
chain restaurant never opened.

See, you're getting
greedy now.

That's two wishes.
Even if Aiden owned

a money printing machine
like Villigan's,

he couldn't buy another wish.

Wait a minute, that's it.

To beat Villigan's,
we need to focus

on the things they can't buy.

Like some good
old-fashioned creativity

and community engagement.

Yes! Thanks, guys.

I knew you couldn't do it.

Listen, Babydoll
may be a greedy,

ruthless freak, hellbent
on my personal ruin,

but she is also, unfortunately,

super cute. But good news,

I have a better plan.

Theme nights!

Villigan's
is a theme restaurant.

Well, we'll have
a new theme every night.

Instrumental Karaoke Night,
Taco Mondays,

get ahead of it.
Hell, yeah!

Trivia Night, but only
questions about trivia itself.

Okay. Shut up!

Even if people liked
those horrible ideas,

how are you gonna
get the word out?

Way ahead of you.

Putting up a giant
marquee out front.

Heading over to the g*ng
at Just Marquees right about now.

It's the only game in town
since Marquees de Sign closed.

But wait until Babydoll
and her cronies

get a load
of our giant marquee

of creativity and community.

W-T-F!

When I was over there,
it was like

Babydoll knew I was coming,

and now she stole
all my theme night ideas.

- It's like she--
- Bugged the gift basket?

- It was in the fruitcake.
- Why didn't you tell me?

I don't work for you.

Noonan, I'm not a big
cured meats guy,

does charcuterie always tick?

Fire in the hole!

'Splosion!

Oh! I like that torso.

I hate effort.

Dear God,
my forehead is crying.

Ugh!

Is this on?

Can they...
They can see me, right?

- Damn! Babydoll?
- Who?

Babydoll.

The former child star
of the stupid sitcom

- Love That Baby.
- Hated that show.

Oh, it sucked!

Although, did you see the one
where Baby becomes a lawyer?

Oh, yeah, I like that one.

And the one where
Baby gets an ab*rtion?

I directed that one, actually.

Still waiting
on my residuals.

Look, b*tches,

no amount of fight
will save you

or your precious bar.

You listen to me,

my boyfriend
and I just bought that bar

and no second-rate
tacky chain restaurant

is going to end our dreams
of turning it into

the most moderately successful
local dive bar

in greater east Gotham,
north of 47th!

- You got that?
- Oh, I got it.

- Boyfriend, huh?
- As a matter of fact,

my soon to be
live-in boyfriend.

We still talking about this?

Well, I hope you're
not talking about Kite Man,

because I'm afraid he's dead.

- What?
- He go boom boom!

So unless he's b*mb proof,

and I know he's not,
because I've heard his jokes,

Kite Man is very dead.

Oh, this is bad.

Take cover!

Hmm, nice f*cking throw,
Kite Man.

Uh, well, thanks.

Nine-time intramural
disc golf champ.

There's actually
a pretty sweet course

over by the Gotham airport

if you ever want to get in--

Goddamnit! Are you kidding me?

I'm trying to make
Regional Supervisor

and a property insurance
claim is not helping.

You're paying for a new
revolving door, c*cksucker!

I don't think so, Babydoll.

Kite Man,
kick her sorry little a*s.

I'm not hitting a child.

Ah, Jesus Christ!

Babydoll, Noonan's
isn't going anywhere,

so we're just gonna have
to find a way to live together.

You mean
like your dumb girlfriend

you're moving in with?

- Who told you that?
- She did.

She said
you're moving in together,

only problem is,
next thing she did

was die!

Oh, f*ck!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, sh*t.

Ew, when did French braids
come back?

- Malice, you're...
- Fine.

I'm immortal, remember?

Oh, what about Fables?

What about me? I'm right here.

What do you think?

Your k*ll-everything tantrum
made a perfect buffet

of parts in there.

I look good.

Oh, my God. Chuck!

Can you believe this sh*t?

You see the appetizers?

They want $17.99

for the Riddler
soup of the day?

Like we're suckers!

Listen, Kite Man,

I am sorry
about Golden Glider.

I mean, you know,
there just are no words.

That being said,

how about I try
some more words

and see if we land
on any of that--

- Babe!
- Babe!

I thought
you were dead.

Jinx. Double jinx.

I've... I've got something
to tell you.

Oh, shut up!

I have to tell you
something first.

Chuck, I want
to move in with you.

I always have.

I was just afraid

I'd accidentally
k*ll you, okay?

Seriously?

Babe, I'd rather
be k*lled by you

than be alive
with anyone else.

Oh, babe!

Truth is, I'd rather k*ll you

than see you alive
with anyone else.

The down-on-one-knee
sh*t again?

Charles "Kite Man" Brown,

would you make me the luckiest
roommate-with-benefits ever

and move in with me?

I do! A thousand times do!

He do-dos!

It is beyond humiliating

to be fired by a child.

I am never going

to Villigan's again!

Hell, yeah!

Wait, what did you
want to tell me?

Oh, uh, well,
it's better if I show you.

Daddy, please no!

Stop, Daddy!

See, that I respect.

That's how I was raised.

Thanks. But you guys
don't think this

makes me look like a jerk?

Yeah, but who cares?


♪ Hell, yeah ♪