01x02 - Grand Reopening, Hell Yeah!

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Sixpack, I know
you technically never leave

but thanks for coming in.

Now, why should we hire you
at Noonan's?

Babe, good news!

We got two more RSVPs!

Well, they're from Dubelz,
so I guess it's just one.

What about my dad? Is he in?

Uh, you know, I haven't seen
anything from him yet.

Ah, it's okay.
That's so my dad.

No, not a big RSVP-er.

Never RSVP'd "yes"
for my tee-ball games,

my graduation,
my wedding, my birth...

But he still shows. Sometimes.

Who do I have
to let ear f*ck me

to get a drink around here?

Babe, I know
you're interviewing,

but you're also supposed to be
taking care of the customers.

Babe, once I hire someone,

they can take care
of the customers.

That way, tonight, we won't
have to work the bar,

we can work the room.

Uh, so, Sixpack,
where were we?

Oh, I'm gonna need
a 99% employee discount,

stock options,

and a separate seating section

- for the uncircumcised.
- Um...

You know, this is just
for a server position, right?

Oh.

I'm gonna pass.

Can I get the job?

I've already been
cleaning the gum

off of the tables to get ahead.

No dice, Bane.

We gotta have super hip,
dope-a*s servers,

so this re-opening
is off the chain

and I can impress my dad.

Hey, we don't have
to impress anybody.

Mission accomplished.

And we're 10 million
in the hole.

How do we even
afford employees?

I don't need a salary.

I'll work for tips.

- Bane, what did I tell you?
- You're hired!

Whoopee!

I'm gonna quit
the Legion of Doom!

Hey, babe, uh, not sure Bane
is the coolest choice here.

Well, Bane is free
and that's cool.

Thing is, with Bane,
you have what's called

a reverse Hooters situation.

Yeah, I actually wish
he was wearing more clothes.

- Bad idea, Glider.
- What?

To make this party slap,
we need a splashy hire.

Someone you're, like,

"What are they doing here?

If they're here,
I wish I was here."

Like those albino twins
from the Matrix 2.

Someone who walks into a room
and everyone goes, "Whoa!"

- Whoa.
- Hello.

Ugh, sorry I had to duck
into this abandoned

sh*thole halfway house
or whatever,

because there's a bunch
of trash cans and, like,

some guy on fire

and the smoke's
getting in my pores.

Ugh! Job searching sucks.

I can't believe my God-daddy
cut me off.

Can I have your job?

How much does it pay
being Beyonce?

Are you serious? Beyonce?

I know. She's the albino
Matrix twins of music.

Uh. I think we found
our new server.

What? That's not what I...

Hello there,

sounded like you're
searching for employment.

Mm, I have a boyfriend.

Oh. No doubt. I'm Kite Man.

This is the love of my life,
Golden Glider.

We co-own this establishment.

And you are?

Clearly on the phone.

I gotta go. Tell Solange,

Malice and her cat,
Chessure, called.

All right, we'll have two
tequila sodas,

light ice, no fruit,
splash of cran.

She's a monster.

Yeah, you're hired.

♪ Oh, hell, yeah ♪

A job here might work
'cause I love day drinking.

Also, I need proof
for my God-daddy,

that I'm "trying."
Fine, I'll do it.

Slow your roll, headband.

We didn't hire you.

I think your co-boyfriend-partner-
guy -whatever did.

Okay, well,
we're gonna put a pin

in what my co-boyfriend-partner-
guy-whatever did.

I don't think this place
is really your vibe.

Plus, you work for tips
and nobody tips here.

Here's a Benjamin from us
for making our days

with that pretty face.

I think
I'm gonna do all right.

Now, can somebody refill

- our drinks?
- I'll get it.

Babe, she's gonna crush
this grand reopening

and Dad's gonna be
so impressed

that we got
such a cool server.

He'll have
to say he loves me.

Right, babe?

Babe?

Ugh, everyone thinks
I'm amazing.

You must be
so threatened by me.

Yoo-hoo! I'm back here.

I can see you're confused.

Yes. You're imagining this.

But it's based
on a true story.

I've got everything.

Great body, designer handbags,

and the attention
of every guy everywhere,

even these drunks.

I'm everything you hate.

But the truth is,
that's only because

you can't compete with me.

Can't compete?
We'll see about that,

you snobby shithead...

Babe? Babe, take it easy.

- We barely even know Malice.
- I know the type.

And you just hired her right
after you knew I'd hired Bane

- and he's going to--
- I'm back!

I marched up to Lex
and I said,

"I respectfully resign."

Taking the high road.
Classy move, Bane.

And then I told him
to put on a swim cap

so he could go f*ck himself.

Bane, uh, so sorry,

uh, but we're hiring
someone else.

What? Is this for real?

Because I think I may have
burned a bridge with Lex.

Afraid so, buddy.
Meet our new server, Malice.

Okay. I literally
just 'sploded my life

and you're firing me
for a girl with a cat in a bag?

Maybe you should
put on a swim cap

so you can...

I am deathly allergic
to cat dander.

See? We can't have
a cat in a bar.

We're not a l*sbian bookstore.

But I'm her emotional
support animal.

Also, she's cold.

Well, you're in luck.
We just got some new merch

that can warm her right up.

Yep. Here we go.
Found the onesies.

My throat
is closing up!

Well, good job, Chuck.
While Bane dies,

let's make sure
the cat is comfortable.

Will someone get...

Anyone? Anyone?
Huh?

I bet you'd get it
if it was up Malice's a*s!

And will one of you lazy f*ck
take care of the fricking cat?

My pleasure, darling.

Goddammit!

That was
my last allergy stick.

I gotta get back to Lex

and beg for the return
of my job

and my health insurance.

That guy's got a rat.

Oh, no. Well, you know,
funny enough, Malice,

this is not a rat.

It's a hypoallergenic hamster.

I got it to teach
my kindergartners

about responsibility.

That shouldn't be here, either.

That is adorbs.

Oh, my God. No.

This is why I need
a goddang body!

No, Jon Hamm-ster. No!

Oh, God, no!

The kids are gonna
be heartbroken.

Well, I'm head broken.

Is that an RSVP? Is it my dad?

Okay, Chuck,
can we not right now

- with the dad thing?
- Ew, that's your guest list?

That's it, Malice, outside!

Anybody want to help
the loose head

that's rolling around
on the floor?

There. Both problems solved.

God, she's a dynamite lady.

Malice, we have
our grand reopening tonight,

and it's very important
to Kite Man that it goes well.

Well, then Kite Man should've
invited cooler people.

But of course, nobody cool
would ever come here.

Why do you even
wanna work here?

Because having to work
is so cringe

and I don't want anyone cool
seeing me having to work. Doy.

Okay. Cool people
do come here.

Actually, uh, oh, ooh...

Look, uh, Lex Luthor
RSVP'd "yes."

Oh, nice. I haven't seen him
since Colin Jost's wedding.

Now get out of my way.

I have really cool sh*t to do.

- Golden Glider, wait.
- What is it?

Is that what
you're wearing tonight?

Ugh!

Back off!
I don't want a carrot!

Mr. Gus, what's wrong
with the hamster?

Great question, Kenneth.

It's not a hamster

but a decapitated head.

Oh.

That was a stupid
f*cking question.

What the hell are you
teaching these kids?

Whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We do not use the "T" word.

This is a Montessori school.

We encourage learning
through play.

It's bad enough all these kids' bodies
are too small for me to steal.

Now I gotta put up with this goofy-a*s
fake school bullshit?

Okay.

Well, since it's time for
my 12 o'clock glass of milk...

White Russian.

...how about
the Queen of Fables here

tells you a story?

No! It won't be funny
'cause she's a woman.

Actually, I know
a super funny story.

It's about a little b*tch
named Kenneth

who was extremely monti-sorry

he didn't go
to a real f*cking school.

Come on, I really need
to talk to Lex.

I can't go back to doing

balloon animals
at kid's parties.

All right.

You want VIPs? I'm gonna get
the V-est IP out there.

Oh, he's not gonna let you in.

I've been waiting forever--

Dammit, Bane! Why didn't
you think to do that?

Golden Glider,
I'm extremely busy--

Lex, I know we've
had issues in the past,

but I am here
to personally invite you

to Noonan's
grand reopening tonight.

It is gonna be the party
of the year and--

Say no more. I'm in.

I knew
you were gonna say that.

How dare you--
Wait, did you say yes?

Of course. What kind
of supervillain would I be

if I didn't support local
villain establishments?

I'd be delighted to come.

I just hope it's okay
if I bring

all the top LOD people?

Suck my tit!

I mean, yeah, sure. I guess
we could probs make room.

Okay. Luthor-A, clear
my schedule for tonight.

I'm going
to the party of the year.

Clearing schedule.

Okay.

Well, this will be so fun!

Can't wait to par-tay
down with you and the g*ng.

Love what you've done
with the place.

Okay, bye.

The only way to keep
the Anti-Life Equation

safely hidden at Noonan's
is to make sure

that irrelevant dump
stays an irrelevant dump.

Okay, Luthor-A,
strike what I just said.

Instead, call everyone
on the Legion of Doom

VIP phone tree.

I'm having my own
party tonight.

I know my dad got the evite.

I sent it
to his work, personal,

and secret Honduran
family account.

Babe, we need to blow
this reopening up!

- Go all out.
- Wait, really?

Well, what made you
change your mind?

Oh, I don't know.
Maybe cause a little someone

named Lex Luthor
is coming tonight

and bringing all his,
oh, I don't know,

friends from
the Legion of Doom.

Say what?

Wait, the dad
of the LOD is coming?

I can't wait to tell Malice.
Where is that little--

Cat! I can't find
Chessure anywhere!

She's out there alone
in this trash city.

Oh, my God! What if she
wanders into a Marshalls?

Okay, calm down.

I'm sure
your cat will be fine.

She needs me. If she eats
any street meat,

she'll double in size.

Oh, that explains a lot.

Golden Glider says,

"Take care
of that freaking cat." So...

Arrivederci.

Huh?

Oh, sh*t!

Well, technically,
I think it's whacked.

You shot my cat?

Dubelz, what is wrong
with you?

What's wrong with me?

You're the one
that ordered the hit.

You said, "Someone needs
to take care of that cat."

I meant let it out.

Oh, God! So when I said
to take care

of my succulents
the other day, you--

Took 'em out back
and shot 'em.

Wait a minute.

So, when I told you
to take care of my nephew--

I took him to Six Flags!

sh*t! I gotta go.

I gotta take care of something.

Poor Chessure is lost
and alone out there.

I hope you and your
large pores are happy?

Well, at least I don't need
a rolling pin

- to apply my makeup.
- Whoa!

Ladies. Ladies, it's okay.

This city has
top-notch animal control.

Chessure will be back
in no time.

All right, cat, I got you.

Just hop in the cage
and we can all go home.

Sweet Christ! What's that?

No, please. I was just
following orders.

I love animals.

And they rejoiced
the evil queen

and realized they should mind
their damn business.

The end.

You just told
Hansel and Gretel,

except you replaced
Hansel with Kenneth.

Also, my middle name
is Thomas, not b*tch.

Oh, you got notes?

Here's a note for you,
Kenneth. f*ck off!

I'm gonna
tell my mom on you,

and when she gets out of her
Glutes and Chutes class,

she's gonna go fool Karen!

Because that's her name.

Wait, Glutes and Chutes?

Your mom is in good shape?

Bit of a butter face,
but she keeps it pretty tight.

All I care about is the body.

Mr. Gus, who's taking
the class pet home this week.

Now, kids, Ms. Fables
is not a pet.

She is a strong, independent--

Shut up, you drunk!

I'm going home with Kenneth
and his rock hard mom.

You see the giant cat
too, right?

Hey, Kite Man,

the Peter Gabriel-era
Genesis cover band is here.

Yes! Dad's favorite.

Oh, babe!

Since we have extra fancy
guests coming tonight,

I got a box of those

extra fancy cupcakes from
the place down the street.

I'm leaving early because
I'm so upset with Chessure

that the only thing
that would cheer me up

is going to Lex Luthor's
party tonight.

What are you talking about?

Lex is coming to our party,
right, babe?

Uh, yes. He's coming with all
the top brass from the LOD.

He said it was going to be
the party of the year

and he wouldn't miss it.

Surprise!

Lex Luthor is hosting
the party of the century

at the Legion of Doom
right now.

Hey, Lex.

Why the massive
last minute ball?

Let's just say that sometimes

the golden ideas
glide right in.

- Lying son of a b*tch!
- Why would he do that to us?

See? Now, out of my way.
I'm going to that party.

Malice, you walk out
that door,

your rude, entitled,

perfectly-sculpted,
Pilates a*s is fired.

It's Glutes and Chutes!

And you're
the worst bosses ever!

We're your only bosses ever!

I can't believe the world's
most evil super villain

lied to us
about coming to our party.

We have to do something.

I am going down
to the Legion of Doom

and demand Lex

stop his bullshit!

And come to our party.

Next. No weapons.

I can already tell
you ain't on the list. Next.

Hey, listen, we need to talk
to Lex right now. He knows us.

Lex knows a lot of people.

Oh, 'cause he's so important?

I know a lot
of people too.

Chuck, Lex,

a bunch of people.

Dad?

Hey, Dad.

sh*t. I gotta remember
to stop responding to that.

Him. We know him.
That's three.

You two gotta go.

You're holding up the line.

Next. No weapons.

- Babe, we gotta go.
- This isn't over.

Oh, Connie Antonucci
wants to join.

I don't want this group
getting too diverse.

Denied.

Good Lord, Kenneth!

No shoes on the carpet.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, damn.

You must be Kenneth's mom.

My goodness,
the Glutes and Chutes

have sure paid off.

Oh, bless your heart.

I haven't eaten carbs
in a decade

and I had my inner thighs
removed.

Kenneth, get the bread knife.

It'll go perfect
with that butter face.

You can say it,
my dad was there

because Lex is a winner
and I'm a loser.

- Dad only chooses winners.
- Oh, Chuck,

who cares what your dad thinks?

You are a winner.

And we are cool.

It doesn't matter
what Malice says.

Babe, you need to stop
with the Malice stuff.

You're starting to sound
kind of jelly.

Of course I'm jelly.

Malice is one of those
smug hot girls

who everybody's
dying to impress.

It just churns up
all my freaking insecurities.

Babe, in the words of Aragorn

to the hobbits
in Lord of the Rings Three,

"You bow to no one."

You're so smart,

you're muy caliente,
but most of all,

you're a better person
than this.

Wow.

I could say the same
about you.

Why? I'm not jealous
of Malice.

Do I wish my hair
had that kind of volume?

- Sure.
- No! With your dad.

You're trying so damn hard
to win his approval

even though he's such
an ungrateful dickbag.

You're wonderful and
he doesn't deserve you, Chuck.

Sweet sh*t!
Is that Malice's cat?

Maybe it's not Chessure.
Maybe there's another

giant cat
wearing a green onesie.

Nope, that's our cat.

I told you, Bane,
you're not on the list.

- Lex says you're banned.
- I am not here as a guest.

I am here as a balloon artist
for the kids.

You're out of luck, Bane.

Would you say yes to...

Benjamin Franklin?

Have a nice time, Mr. Bane.

Whoopee!

Next.

Thank you for coming
on such short notice.

Well, you did say
you'd take away

the espresso machine
if we didn't.

Very good.

Who dares attack
the Legion of...

No f*cking way.

Oh, I'm loving this.

You think the cat can eat
the whole Legion?

You mean the cat with
the name of our bar on it?

Oh. Damn it! You're right.

We can't start a w*r
with the LOD.

We've gotta stop that cat.

I have an idea.
Follow me.

Hey, um, Mr. Bouncer.

I think we got off
on the wrong foot earlier.

So I'm here--

Oh, God.

Never mind.

Oh, Jackpot!

Grab a confiscated weapon.

Hey!

Come here. Chessure.

Chessure, come.

Chessure!

Whoa!

Oh.

Come on, laser scope.

Pretend this is an outdoor
movie screening

and f*ck sh*t up.

Thanks for the save, babe.

I hate to admit this, but--

You're a little horny
right now?

Yes. And I think
we need Malice's help.

How ironic.

I'm about to die from
a p*ssy eating me.

Like you've ever eaten p*ssy
in your pathetic life.

- That's why it's ironic.
- Malice!

You have to stop your cat.

Ugh, first you want me
to get rid of my cat.

Then you want me
to stop my cat.

Make up your mind.

If your cat destroys this bar,
where will you work?

I don't know. Chipotle?

Okay, look,
if you call off the cat,

I will stop making
snarky comments,

which I only do because
you're young and cute

and I resent that everyone
thinks you're so cool.

Plus 15 an hour and dental,
whatever that is.

- Fine.
- Ugh.

All right, fine.

Here, kitty, kitty.

That was it?

All we had to do was say,
"Here, kitty, kitty?"

No. All "I" had to do was say,
"Here, kitty, kitty."

I am gonna polar bear smack--

Babe, are you okay?

That's a negative, babe.

This reopening failure
is cutting me pretty deep.

Gotta accept my fate
as a loser.

I'm gonna go eat a tub
of potato salad like a c*ck,

'cause that's what my dad
used to call me.

- Potato salad.
- Babe, you know what?

I'm kinda glad this happened.

If all those big shots
were here,

we wouldn't be able
to be ourselves.

We were trying so hard
to impress other people

and look how that turned out.

Can you shut up?

I'm live right now.

Malice, you're fired.

No, I'm not. I saved the day.

And you said
you wouldn't fire me.

I don't care. I shouldn't have
hired you in the first place.

I gotta stop doing things
to impress other people.

There's only one person
I need to impress.

We know, your dad!

No!

Just my Glider.

Is that...

♪ Darkseid! ♪

♪ Darkseid! ♪

- ♪ It's Darkseid ♪
- Malice--

♪ You're gonna
Be so scared ♪

♪ 'Cause he's Darkseid! ♪

- Ma--
- ♪ Darkseid! ♪

♪ You'll have
To wear a diaper ♪

♪ 'Cause he's Darkseid! ♪

See, this is why I say,
"Never get a choir from hell."

♪ It's true he always says-- ♪

Enough!

I am God...

...daddy to Malice.

God-daddy to Malice.

Damn chip crumbs.

I heard about the cat.

You better not tell me
you lost this job.

Okay, but that's gonna
make this confusing.

Damn it, Malice! You useless,
pathetic little leech.

I'm glad your parents
didn't live

to see what you've become.

They would've been so--

Disappointed...

that they missed it.

Because Malice
literally saved the bar.

In fact, she's doing fantastic.

- She is?
- I am?

Hey! It's that goon bar,

what was on the side
of that monster cat.

Oh, this place rules.

Babe, love how you flipped
that disappointed thing.

That's real
better person stuff.

Plus, looks like the cat might
have been great publicity.

It was brilliant publicity.

And it was all Malice's idea.

So not only is she not fired,

we're expanding
her duties to include

managing our social media.

Uh, babe,
we don't have any social media.

Shut up, you beautiful idiot.

Digital marketing?
Very impressive.

Thank you for hiring
my troublesome Malice.

Maybe there's hope
for her after all.

I don't know
why you did that, but...

Thu-nocks...

I mean, thay-nocks...

Are you trying to say,
"Thanks?"

Oh, is that how you say it?

I've only seen it written.

Okay. Get to work.

Uh, may I make you a drink,

Sir Darkseid?

Non-alcoholic, please.

I'll make you
one of my fave bevs.

Mm.

This iced tea and lemonade
mixture is divine.

Reminds me
of my favorite golfer,

- Arnold... Trevino.
- Lee Trevino.

A round of Lee Trevinos
for everyone.

What's up, guys?
I'm here at "Newsies--"

It's Noonan's. Hello.

Bane, what are you doing here?

I'm here, plowed to the gills

on antihistamines to see if--

Hey, bouncer, you need
to kick this guy out.

Go get him, bouncer.

But you're still
working for tips.

Whoopee!

I'm 'sploding with joy!

Got damn! There's a line
around the block.

I had to show Kenneth's
mom's t*tties to everybody

to get in here.

The reopening is a hit!

- We did it.
- No, we did it.

Oh, wait. No.
You said that. Whatever.

It's been a day. Just kiss me.

Mm.

Do you know Chuck?
I'm his father.

Can I go through?

Holy sh*t! You guys
have the same birthday.

♪ Hell, yeah ♪