I thought I was happy
'Til you came along
[groans]
[Alan] You look great.
-Huh?
-Hmm?
Oh. Sorry.
Thanks.
[groans] God!
I hate this already.
You know you
don't have to do this.
I know.
It's been two years.
How can the thought
of seeing my mother
still paralyze me like this?
Well, because Rosa
is relentless.
And mean.
And intent on making
you miserable.
And mean.
She's my mother.
You don't like who you are
after you see her.
And frankly, I don't like
who you are after you see her.
Speaking of mean.
Sweetie, the last time
you saw her,
you couldn't get out of bed
for a week.
You're right. [sighs]
You're right. f*ck.
I know you're right.
[sighs heavily] Well,
Who knows?
Maybe she's lost
enough of her mind
that she's forgotten
how to annihilate me
with a single glance.
Could be.
I don't do that, do I?
[Alan] Do what?
Annihilate you
with a single glance.
Oh, no.
Sometimes it takes two.
[both gasp]
-How dare you.
-[both laugh]
[sighs]
-Thanks for that.
-[Alan] Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Oh!
Hey! You need this?
Liza?
Oh. Yeah.
Thanks.
This is ridiculous.
I thought it would be
a decent peace offering.
It's the only good memory
I have with her,
watching these silly
variety shows.
[laughs] Come on.
You don't think they're silly.
I know.
[sighs]
Ohhh... f*ck!
My heart is pounding.
I don't...
I could go in with you,
if that'll help.
I ain't afraid of no ghost.
No.
No, I'll be okay.
I don't even know
if I'll make it to her room.
I'm just gonna take it
step by step.
Well, I'll be here.
Thanks, babe.
-Love you.
-Love you.
And I have you, baby.
-[laughs]
-What?
You know, the song.
By the woman, and the man.
From your show, there.
Oh! [laughs]
That is a good try, babe.
Yeah, well, you picked me.
-I might pick you again.
-Yeah.
[sighs]
Well, I'll see you
after the show.
Yeah.
[sighs]
[bursts of music
mixed with static]
[Bradberry] Tonight's episode
of The Rosa Show
contains bullying...
From the lion's mouth
[Rosa] You're not gonna wear
that, are you?
[Bradberry] ...graphic
depictions of narcissism,
which may be objectionable,
or too--
Here, I'm with you
[Alan] Anything you need...
[Bradberry] ...fat phobia,
and other mature subject
matter.
[overlapping voices
talking and singing]
[Bradberry]
Viewer discretion is advised.
[Rosa] That b*tch. That b*tch!
She lies!
[Rosa] God,
I love those TV shows.
[music builds in intensity]
Liza, we're 15 for show time.
We need you in hair
and makeup.
Stop losing your grip
on reality.
Hiya, Peg.
Could you talk to hair
and makeup
about the hairspray
they've been using?
Why? You look great.
Well, no, I mean,
I just feel like it's, like--
[Bradberry]
Live, and direct
from the Complex Network
of the Prefrontal Cortex,
the Parietal Cortex,
the Medial Temporal Lobe,
a space operating
and existing
only inside the mind
of Liza Mangiani,
it's the Mother of All Shows!
Hosted by Liza's mother,
Rosa.
Tonight's guests include:
Liza's cousin, Lisa,
Liza's current boyfriend, Alan,
Liza's high school boyfriend,
Tony,
Liza's father, Gus,
The Outta Your Mind Trio,
and, me...
renowned local actor, Bradberry
Ignacio James the Third.
[upbeat theme song plays]
And now, here she is,
Liza's mother, and your host
for the very last time,
Rosa Mangiani!
[audience applauds]
[Peg] Cut to Rosa.
Who's that whispering
In my ear
Well, hello there
You're back again
Back, my friends
Welcome home, woo!
The Rosa Show
Big spenders
You Godsends
My girlfriends
And gentlemen
Welcome to my show
Big spenders
You Godsends
My girlfriends
And gentlemen
It's The Rosa Show
[sultry jazz number plays]
We're gonna dance
We're gonna sing
Do-be-do-be-do-be-do-be
Do-be-do
We're gonna change the world
This is my world
Ooh my world
We're gonna talk
We're gonna laugh
Ha ha ha
And now let's start
the monologue
[audience applauds]
[Peg] Cut to Liza cam.
[Liza and Rosa] Hail Mary,
full of grace,
we're really gonna do
this again,
one last...
[audience applauds]
Well, what a night
to end the day!
I made it.
Though at my age, I'm lucky
if I can still make the bed.
-[audience chuckles]
-At my age,
I'm lucky
if I can make sense.
[audience laughs]
Oh, I'm glad you made time
to be here,
lads and gems.
I know how precious time is.
All around us,
everyone is saying
how little time they have.
Especially as we get older,
and we start to think,
maybe I'm experiencing things
for the final time.
When I was a little girl,
I was afraid of ghosts.
Now I'm afraid of sunsets.
[audience laughs]
I'm dealing with more grey here
than the sky over England.
[audience laughs]
You see, Bruce, in England,
-it's cloudy.
-[audience chuckles]
Everyone, my producer, Bruce.
[scattered applause]
Ah, one thing Bruce hasn't
produced in a while,
-brain cells.
-[laughter]
Hey, has anyone told Bruce
that this show is ending?
Hey, Bruce,
you don't have to come in
on Monday morning.
No, no, you can finally
finish that book
you've been trying to figure out
how to open.
-[laughter]
-[drum sting]
Oh, gotta love Bruce.
And on the topic of time,
my old friends, well...
tonight is the last time
we will have this time together.
-[audience] Awww!
-Yeah.
[audience member] No...
And that also means
it's the last time
my daughter, Liza,
will be on my show.
You all remember Liza,
don't you?
-[audience boos]
-[Peg] Ready Norman Filter.
Oh, come on,
she wasn't that bad last time.
[Peg]
Dissolve to Norman Filter.
Ah. That's right.
My daughter.
[light chuckle]
Anyone in the audience
with daughters, hmm?
[scattered applause]
I'm so sorry.
[laughter]
No, I'm sure that
your daughter is lovely.
But, honestly-- [sighs]
I haven't had the best
luck with being a mother.
See, I'm so unlucky,
I carry a footless rabbit.
[laughter]
Ah, mothers, mothers, mothers.
One year, for Mother's Day,
my daughter made me this card
out of macaroni
glued to some cardboard.
Said her art was inspired
by my cooking.
-[drum sting]
-[laughter]
One night, I made
a special dinner,
and then Liza wasn't speaking
to me at the table.
"What's the matter?"
I asked her.
"A frog in your throat?"
In fairness, I'd cooked frogs.
-[drum sting]
-[laughter]
Honestly, when she was 16,
she didn't eat my cooking
for a whole year.
Said she was on a diet.
But then she gained over
100 pounds of useless flesh.
His name was Vinnie Annello,
and we were glad
when they stopped dating,
that useless little piece
of little sh*t.
-[laughter]
-[drum sting]
Ah, but she's always had
big body issues.
Her main issue,
she has a big body.
[chuckles]
Ah, I don't know.
I think she should find
a good, Italian man.
Or at least a good manicure.
[laughter]
Have you seen the meathooks
on that girl?
[scoffs] When she claps,
everyone waits for lightning.
[laughter]
-Ah!
-[laughter]
But, being a mother is tough,
you know?
-[scattered applause]
-No, really.
Being a mother is a lot
like being a father,
except that you have to do
all the housework,
make less money,
and no one will ever
forgive you
or give you credit
for anything, ever.
Am I right, ladies?
[applause, cheering]
Do you know what prolonged
labor does to a woman?
Bruce, can we roll that clip
of my episiotomy?
[laughter]
And my daughter
sure doesn't know.
She's barren.
Empty.
She makes Bruce's head
look like every Catholic Church
on Christmas Eve.
-Full.
-[drum sting]
[laughter]
You see, Bruce,
real Catholics only go to church
for Christmas, and funerals.
[laughter]
-[drum sting]
-[laughter]
They say that kids these days
are waiting to have kids
of their own,
but if my Liza, 39,
waits any longer,
she won't need an OB-GYN,
she'll need a paleontologist.
-[laughter]
-Not me.
I had Liza young.
[sighs] That was so long ago.
Boy, being a parent
is overrated.
-[drum sting]
-[laughter]
I-- I'm not saying that Liza
was difficult,
but the little bald thing,
she'd cry all night,
puke on my sweater,
fill her diaper twice,
and chafe my n*pples with
her little, toothless gums.
She's just like her father.
-On our wedding night.
-[laughter]
Oh, these kids today.
Take mothers for granted,
don't you think?
-[audience member] Woo!
-So ungrateful.
Ah, when I was growing up,
I wasn't allowed
to be ungrateful.
I'd get the wooden spoon.
From the marinara,
to my derriere-ah.
[laughter]
I don't know what your house
is like on December 25th,
but we used to say,
"Merry Christmas,"
not, "You're a b*tch,
and you've ruined my life, Mom."
-[audience gasps]
-Am I right?
Huh? Right?
God, I love hosting this show.
-[applause]
-Oh!
And we have a great show
for you tonight.
Brought to you by Shame Flakes
seasoning products,
-and Kah-Loying Kosmetics.
-[applause]
[Peg] Cut to commercial.
[Bradberry] Coming up next,
our special guest, Liza.
And later in the hour,
a mother daughter duet!
No fun for the whole family
A vacation of blame inside
It's Rosa's World
Off the highway
The edgy amusement park
[male announcer]
This Columbus Day,
when you're thinking about
the last place you want to be,
think Rosa's World.
Oh, my God.
Rosa's World.
It's off the highway.
It's Rosa's World
Oh, my God
It's Rosa's World
Off the highway
-[sound distorts]
-[applause]
Ladies and gentlemen,
I know how excited
you all must be,
because I know how excited I am.
[laughs] Gosh!
Am I sweating?
[laughter]
Hey, Bruce, didn't we get
Dry Not Shy antiperspirant
-as a sponsor?
-[laughter]
-He doesn't know.
-[drum sting]
[laughter]
Lentils and germs,
without further ado,
for the last time,
I give you, my daughter, Liza.
-[applause]
-[dramatic music plays]
[audience boos]
A little more curtain, perhaps?
[dramatic music plays]
Remember me?
Oh, you're not gonna wear that,
are you?
[quick beat plays]
[crickets chirp]
I don't get it.
That usually kills.
Not tonight, Liza.
Are you sure?
A-five, six, seven, eight!
[fast, jazzy beat plays]
Hmm, I guess they're not
on your side tonight.
[slide whistle whoops]
[audience groans]
Aww, look.
You hurt little Liza's feelings.
[audience] Awww!
Oh, come on, then.
I know.
What about we put a little
peanut butter on a carrot
to try to coax her out,
what do you think?
-[drum sting]
-[laughter]
You see? Now, they want you
to come back out.
Don't you?
[applause]
[music sting]
[upbeat jazzy music plays]
Hah!
[sighs heavily]
That was one of your traps.
Hey, don't look at me.
It's your noodle.
I'm just cookin' it.
[sad wah-wah music plays]
A rose from Rosa.
[audience] Awww!
-Ow!
-Oh!
She who dares not grasp
the thorn,
should never crave the rose.
[laughter, applause]
[sighs]
Let's see...
Oh!
Hmm?
-[gasps]
-[man] Yeah!
So, how about we sing a song
for this audience, hmm?
[applause, cheering]
You know that's not happening.
[static hiss]
Come on, you know how
the song goes, Liza.
[cheering, applause]
[static hiss]
Hey, Outta Your Minds,
hit us with those horns.
[piano playing ballad]
I thought I was happy
'Til you came along
My own little angel
You made me so strong
Just being your mother
Is life's greatest gift
What is it
We'll both miss
When you're set adrift
Mothers and daughters
Daughters and moms
Mothers and daughters
Daughters and moms--
That's the part we're
supposed to sing together.
[laughs humorlessly]
Really. Really?
You're not gonna even
try the duet?
[scoffs]
This is our final show.
Nope. Anything but that.
-Anything?
-[cheering, applause]
The duet is never
going to happen.
[Rosa] Then why are you here?
Because you're dying.
[audience gasps]
[laughs]
Oh, is that all?
Oh!
I guess you didn't hear
the laughs in the monologue.
-[drum sting]
-Am I right?
[laughter]
Oh, we have a great show
for you tonight, folks.
Liza's here, and I'm here.
-[cheering, applause]
-For now, at least.
And you're all here.
Or are you?
We'll be right back
with more fun,
and more heartache,
right after these words
from our sponsor.
[Peg] Cue music.
[jazzy show theme music plays]
[Peg] Cue curtain.
[applause]
[Peg] Ready bumper.
[Peg] Cut to bumper.
[Bradberry] Coming up next,
The Mating Game.
And later in the hour,
magic with The Great Gusto!
["Morning" by Edvard Grieg
plays]
Buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz, buzz.
Buzz, buzz-buzz, buzz-buzz,
buzz-buzz-buzz,
buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz.
Must be nice.
Oh! Buzz-buzz.
You're gonna get that for me?
Yes. And one--
And one for me.
Okay! Thank you.
Must be nice.
Oh, thanks, baby.
Must be nice.
[glasses clink]
Must be nice.
What are you doing?
Can't you see I'm happy?
Must be nice.
[hiss of can opening]
Must Bee Nice.
The passive-aggressive soda.
Now with too much honey,
and not enough bubbles.
Buzz, buzz, buzz,
buzz, buzz, buzz.
Buzz, buzz-buzz-buzz.
Oh! Oh!
-Oh!
-Must Bee Nice.
Buzz, buzz!
-Buzz, buzz, buzz--
-[tone beeps]
-Family is all you need.
-Mother?
I love a happy ending.
Everybody makes mistakes.
To err is human.
To forgive, divine.
Plus, you'll burn in hell
if you don't.
You should go talk
to your mother, Liza.
-[upbeat theme music plays]
-[applause]
Hello, everyone,
and welcome to The Mating Game,
where I attempt to
find a mate for a date,
who will mate with my Liza
before it's too late.
I choose Alan.
And I choose not to wear yellow,
because it washes out
my complexion.
Perhaps you should choose
this choice as well.
[laughter]
Let's meet our bachelorette.
Liza is a lifestyle
television editor.
She's a ripe 39-years-old,
five foot six.
Her measurements are 38-32-40.
Liza's still not married,
with no children, and no
discernable life direction.
I have great life direction.
She abandoned her family
at the age of 19,
to pursue a fine arts degree.
We all know how useless that is.
-[laughter]
-And moved into the big,
bad city
as far away from her big,
bad mother
as she could get.
I could've gone
a lot farther.
Welcome, Liza.
[applause]
And now, let's meet
today's bachelors.
He's a wealthy lawyer,
with two kids
from a previous marriage,
looking for a fresh start.
He dated Liza in high school,
and they were going
to be married,
but she called it quits
in order to forge
her own path in life.
And look how well
that turned out.
Pretty well, actually.
It's Tony.
[applause, cheering]
-Tony!
-[chuckles]
Bachelor Number Two
is a video game coder,
whatever that means.
He's loyal, and loving,
and describes himself
as a feminist.
-[gagging]
-[laughter]
It's Liza's current
boyfriend, Alan.
[applause]
I'm not sure why
Liza's on a dating show.
I ask the questions
on this game, bucko.
Yeah!
Uh, shouldn't Liza
be asking the questions?
By the way, sweetie,
you look great!
The retro hairstyle
is really sexy.
Oh, thanks!
Um, my mom runs
this part of my mind.
It's just easier to go with it.
Oh, okay, sure.
And last but not least,
Bachelor Number Three.
General Practitioner,
Dr. Salvatore Megari.
Serving the community
for seven-plus years
from his conveniently-located
office,
in the strip mall,
just off the highway.
He is currently
accepting new patients.
[applause]
Wait, isn't that
my childhood doctor?
Dr. Sal is looking
for the right woman
to accompany him
to modest parties,
and black-tie doctor banquets.
His interests include tennis,
and playing the narrator
in the annual
Christmas pantomime.
Welcome, Dr. Sal.
It's a pleasure to take time
between appointments.
So Bradberry's just playing
my childhood doctor.
Bachelor Number One,
Don't you think it was a mistake
for my daughter to dump you
back in high school?
Oh, my twenties were great.
-[applause]
-Bachelor Number Two,
same question.
Same question?
Don't you think it was a mistake
for my daughter to dump Tony
back in high school?
Oh, I didn't know Liza
in high school.
Bachelor Number One,
new question.
Didn't you think that you
and Liza were meant to be?
Wherever I go,
that's where I am.
-Ha!
-[chuckles]
-What are you gonna do?
-[laughs]
Uh, Bachelor Number Two,
same question.
I'm sorry, what was
the question, again?
Don't you think that Tony
and Liza were meant to be?
Oh, I couldn't say.
I just met him.
He seems lovely, though.
-Hmm.
-[audience member] Yeah!
Bachelor Number One.
How much money did you
take home last year?
-Oh!
-After taxes.
[chuckles] 200 thou.
Clam-a-rinos.
-Wow!
-[applause]
Uh, Bachelor Number Two,
same question.
How much money did
Tony take home, or--
Bachelor Number Three.
I do well, but uh,
more importantly,
my patients do better.
[audience] Aww!
Why is your childhood doctor
here, again?
Oh, Dr. Sal was a major part
of Liza's sexual awakening.
-[audience] Ohhh!
-[Rosa] Didn't you know that?
-I thought you two were lovers.
-[audience member] Yeah!
Wait a second,
is that why you always get us
to play doctor?
[audience gasps]
It's a very popular
fetish, Alan.
It is, though there
is a problematic
power dynamic at play.
Oh, sure.
-I like nurses.
-[laughs]
Of course you do,
atta boy, Tony.
[audience member] Woo!
Look, I wouldn't say
he was a major part
of my sexual awakening.
Oh, sure, he was.
No, all those other
girls at school
had Jason Priestly posters,
You had a cutout of
Dr. Sal's newspaper ad
-in your locker.
-[audience laughs]
Between that, and your crush
on the older priest
at church,
Are you sure that
this is what you want?
I mean, he looks 12.
-[audience member] Yeah!
-I'm 40.
I-- I have a beard.
Okay, okay, cut it out, Mom.
All right?
Bachelor Number Two,
if I was sick at home
with the flu,
-what would you do for me?
-Oh, well, I'd um,
I'd buy you provisions,
of course, you know,
ginger ale, crackers.
I'd come and check on you.
I'd bring the weighted blanket,
because I know how
your legs get restless
when you're not feeling well.
-[audience] Awww!
-[Liza] Oh.
Thanks, babe.
And, Bachelor Number Two,
next question.
What is the most romantic thing
you've ever done
for your girlfriend?
Oh. [laughs]
I, uh,
I, uh, drove in
from California
to hand-deliver a comic book
that I bought you, when--
S-- Sorry, that I bought her,
when we first started dating.
I...
told her that
I was driving to Texas,
so she'd have no idea that
I was coming to surprise her
with a gift I knew
she'd really like.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Yeah, when Liza
came into my office
with strep throat,
I gave her a smile,
a prescription,
and reassurance that
it would all be okay.
Wow.
You are amazing.
No, you are amazing.
And I am so glad that Liza
found someone like you.
All right, enough with--
Liza's uterus isn't getting
any younger.
-[audience member] Yeah!
-[audience laughs]
And to that end,
Bachelor Number One.
Don't you think,
for a woman to be fulfilled,
she needs to have a child?
-Sure.
-[cheering, applause]
Bachelor Number Two,
same question.
I mean, if she wants.
All right. Bachelor
Number Three, am I right?
Why? Would you say
you're fulfilled?
I don't know.
-Am I?
-[applause]
[laughs]
They're not your children.
-My audience is like family.
-[audience] Awww!
They wouldn't be,
if they had to live with you.
[party horn squawks]
Looks like it's time
for you to decide, Liza.
-Hmm.
-Hmm.
So, you have one minute
to choose the bachelor
of your choice.
And while you choose,
tell us what
she'll win, Peg.
The lucky couple
will start off their lives
with a four-bedroom
house in the suburbs,
with a built-in nursery,
ready for twins.
[applause]
Let's see
what the audience thinks, huh?
Who should Liza be with?
-Bachelor Number One?
-Yes.
-[audience cheers loudly]
-[Rosa] Bachelor Number Two?
-We're already dating, so--
-[audience boos]
[Rosa] Or Bachelor Number Three?
-[audience applauds politely]
-I am taking new patients.
So, Liza, who do you choose?
Bachelor Number Two!
-[Tony sighs]
-[sad wah wah music plays]
Predictable.
Now, let's say goodbye
to your rejects. [sighs]
Well, I'm sorry
it didn't work out, Tony.
-Again.
-[audience] Aww!
It is what it is.
Hindsight being 20/20.
You know what I mean.
Remarkably, I do, Tony.
And, I guess the doctor's out.
T'was an honor
to be nominated at all.
[applause]
It was good seeing you,
Dr. Sal.
It's all gonna be okay.
[laughs quietly]
[sighs]
-Hey.
-Hey.
You picked me.
Picked you again.
[laughs]
Oh, Christ.
And now, Liza and...
Alan,
take a step into your future.
God help us.
[applause]
Hmm! Oh.
[upbeat game show music plays]
[romantic music plays]
-Well, here we go.
-Okay.
Oh!
Well, what do you think?
Yeah, so, this is where
you go sometimes, huh?
Yeah. Welcome to my nightmare.
Oh, a nightmare.
I appear in your nightmares?
No, babe,
you know what I mean.
Yeah, I guess.
Is she always this mean,
though?
Not always.
It's hard to know
when she will be, though.
Oh. I-- I guess I just
took for granted
that my parents would be kind.
[chuckles]
Ah, that sounds nice.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Thanks.
[Rosa] You'll be having
the special tonight.
-The--
-Ooh, that sounds good.
We'll have that.
Alan. Don't order for me.
The appetizer, marriage at 20.
Quite nice.
Fresh pepper?
The main course,
2.2 children by the age of 25.
-Ooh, that sounds good.
-Wait, that sounds good to you?
You can say goodbye
to that hot bod, little girl.
Oh, the first few
years are wonderful.
Before the little ones
develop personalities.
You said you were okay
with not having kids.
Yeah, sure,
I said that then, but...
maybe things can change,
you never know.
I don't want it to change.
Can I grate some parmesan
for you, monsieur?
Oh, yes, please.
With a lovely disappearing act
by the age of 30,
and what will disappear?
Sex.
Because no one will look at you
as a woman anymore.
No, you'll just be
another body to move past
on the sidewalk,
and that's when
the ticking of the clock
really starts.
And you just wait
to become a grandmother.
Fresh pepper?
And to drink, water.
Oh, lots of water.
Because you're gonna feel
like you're drowning.
Always drowning.
This is miserable.
[laughs] This is the prize.
It's not my fault you didn't
pick the right man.
Alan is the right man.
Hey, love you, doll.
Doll? You don't call me "doll."
What can I tell you?
This is your nightmare, doll.
[huffs air]
What?
Are you okay?
[waiter]
Should I top that up for you?
And, of course, for dessert,
carrot cake.
Whipped cream.
Cherry.
[table creaking]
-[crashing]
-[gasps]
[lips smacking] Mm!
[Bradberry] And now,
Cousin Lisa,
with an important message
from the letter "S."
[phone ringing]
Oh, hi there.
Hello.
Hello?
[Peg's voice] Hi, this is Breezy
Birch Hospice Care.
Can I speak to Liza Mangiani,
please?
Hi. My name is Lisa.
Not Liza.
Lisa. Li-sss-a.
And there's-- there's
one way I find it helps
to keep that straight
with people.
Liza has a "Z" in it.
Z is the...
26th letter of the alphabet!
Way at the back.
[Peg's voice] Oh.
That clears it up.
Now, about Rosa Mangiani.
[Lisa] You see, the letter "S,"
well, that's the...
15, 16, 17, 18, 19...
the 19th letter of the alphabet.
See the difference?
Like, are you with me here?
[laughs]
This is an "S,"
and this is a "Z."
S, Z.
Lisa.
Liza.
S!
Z.
Ever notice how people are
always mixing those letters up?
-[buzzer sounds]
-The f*ck is that?
Don't me zz-started.
[laughs]
Honestly, I have two children.
When my husband, Dino, and I
were deciding on baby names,
I had two criteria.
First, no child of mine
would have an "S"
in her name.
Too complicated
for most gavones.
Believe me.
Walk a mile in my shoes.
Second, no child of mine
would have a "Z" in her name.
Like-- [scoffs]
can you even imagine?
Can you even imagine?
Mama loves you, little Victoria,
and Mattea,
My little angels.
Still don't believe me?
I see some of you there
thinking,
hmm, has Lisa gone pazza?
Well, I'm not claiming
to be da Vinci,
who painted the Mona Li-sss-a,
But let me paint you a picture.
[Peg's voice] Now, about
your mother, Ro-zzz-a.
-I'm afraid--
-My aunt, Ro-sss-a,
lives in a hospital.
And though she's my aunt,
not my mother,
I take care of her.
I visit, make sure they're
giving her what she needs.
Well, imagine my...
my-- okay,
just recently,
the hospital calls,
her daughter, Liza,
who hasn't been there for her
for years,
to let her know that Rosa
had taken a turn for the worse.
[Peg's voice] Ro-zz-a has taken
a turn for the worse.
That she maybe just had
weeks to live.
[Peg's voice] Maybe zhe just haz
weekz to live.
But they called Liza first.
I'm Lisa.
Does that make me chopped liver?
Well, when I found out
about that,
I gave them a lot of pieces
of my mind.
You called my cousin, Liza,
not me, Lisa.
-"Oh, sorry."
-The hospital admin says.
"Now I see.
[both] You're Lisa.
She's Liza.
Clerical mixup.
That must happen
all the time, eh?
Same last names, and all."
All the time.
Walk a mile in my shoes.
And the administrator says,
And-- and the administrator
says,
[Peg] "So you're
the primary contact
for Rosa Mangiani?"
Hello! I mean-- I mean--
Hello! These people!
Like, ah!
Do I have to do everything?
So I said it to her like this,
I said,
"I'm Lisa, with an "S,"
and her daughter,
who has been an ungrateful,
depressive atheist,
with terrible fashion,
rhythm and hair,
and who refuses to date,
marry or be
impregnated by Italians,
and who has a "Z" in her name,
abandoned her mother in her
hours, weeks and years, of need!
I am Lisa, I did not do that,
and that b*tch--
that b*tch--
is Liza with a f*cking 'Z!'"
Mama Mia. [sighs]
"Oh. Okay.
I'll make a note, Ma'am."
[sighs heavily]
S! S! Me!
Bright, like...
Right?
-[tone beeps]
-[overlapping chatter]
Family is all you need.
You may live to regret it
if you don't.
You should go
talk to your mother, Liza.
Ladies and gentlemen,
The Great Gusto.
[applause]
[dramatic music plays]
[applause]
[buzzer sounds]
[applause]
[audience oohs and aahs]
[applause]
[applause]
[applause]
[audience oohs]
[audience gasps]
[audience applauds]
[dramatic music plays]
[audience boos]
-[slide whistle whoops]
-[audience gasps]
[applause]
What's going on, Dad?
[audience awws]
[applause]
[audience gasps]
-[applause]
-Uh-huh.
[audience oohs]
Is this a literal
peace offering?
[audience] Awww!
[squeaks]
[applause]
[Lisa] Amazing.
Let's hear it for my Uncle Gus,
The Great Gusto!
[applause]
So... what's next?
Ladies and gentlemen, Alan.
[Peg] Cue Alan,
for emotional support.
[applause]
It's not our first rodeo
But each time that you go
You come back otherwise
So just stay home tonight
These glass walls aren't
So strong
We've sung our
Steadfast song
And I know you might cry
So just stay home tonight
If you're down in the pit
I'll help you out of it
I'll throw a rope to grip
I'll pull out all my tricks
But I can't do it all
If you're running on
And you keep running on
Why do you chase this hell
And struggle all by yourself
Me, you and candlelight
So just stay home tonight
Love,
Here's the simple truth
The way you feel
Makes me feel brutal
I'm sorry
That's not right
Just stay home tonight
If you're down in the pit
I'll help you out of it
I'll throw a rope to grip
I'll pull out all my tricks
But I can't do it all
If you're running on
Or let me run with you
It's late and you're still
Here
I'll help you
Face those fears
Don't wait
Let's save this life
So just stay home
Tonight
[single person applause,
cheering]
[Bradberry] Coming up,
Bless me Father, for I Will
Sin.
And later,
will Liza ruin another duet?
Feeling a little bloated?
Worried that
your grandmother was right
when she said,
"You're getting so large,
that your shoulders and arms
are becoming
one indiscernible piece
of flesh?
Is even your cool Uncle Frank
confiding in family members
that you're starting to look
a bit on the chubby side?
And you thought
he was different,
didn't you?
Family can be so disappointing.
I like to follow a little
diet trick,
passed down for generations
in my family.
Shame.
-[man] Shame!
-That's right.
Just little doses of shame
all day long.
And now, it's even
easier to feel ashamed
about your growing body
with my new Shame Flakes.
Shame Flakes
Now in this conveniently
designed shame shaker.
[man] Shame!
[Rosa] Shake them
on your appetizers,
-Sprinkle some on your pizza.
-[man] Shame!
-Or onto your favorite dessert.
-[man] Shame!
Each little dose of shame
reminds you
that you don't really need
to eat at all, do you?
Oh, isn't it time you just
stopped eating?
Isn't it time
You just stopped eating
Take a vacation
From meals and snacks
[man] Shame.
Giving yourself a
Verbal beating
When that
Useless hunger attacks
[man] Shame.
Just like your mom
And her mom before her
Shame the weight off
That's all you can do
Isn't it time you
Just stopped eating
Spent a little more time
[man] Shame.
To be less you
[announcer] The Shame Shaker
is only available
in selected territories.
Please consult a doctor
before using.
Patent very much pending.
[man] Shame!
-[tone beeps]
-[overlapping chatter]
I love a happy ending.
It makes for great TV,
and all the popular shows
have a happy ending.
You should go and talk
to your mother, Liza.
And now, for your pleasure,
Bless me, Father,
For I Will Sin.
[applause]
[organ music plays]
Ah... finally,
the sexy priest scene.
[applause]
Nice outfit.
Thank you.
-[applause]
-Thank you, Father.
I feel the hot flame
of the holy spirit
rising up inside of me.
[laughter]
I'll see you next week.
[applause]
Next.
Whew!
Long lineup.
You'd think they were
selling, uh,
autographed Todd McFarlane
Spawn toys in there,
or something, hey?
I don't know what that is.
Ah, it's a thing
my boyfriend likes,
there's these action figures
with spikes and claws, yeah?
Yeah. You think
my mother's monstrous,
you should get a load
of one of those toys, huh?
Yeah? No?
[man cheers]
Thank you.
[laughter]
[gasps]
[laughter]
Okay.
I guess it's Liza's turn.
I'm Liza.
We didn't meet before.
I-- that's why I said
the Liza's tur--
It's my turn.
I'm just gonna go.
I'm so nervous.
[Alan] Do it!
Sexy priest scene!
Babe? Is that you?
Woo!
Thanks, babe.
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
It's been so long
since my last confession,
it's going to take a team
of you to absolve me.
[priest] I work alone.
But my absolution is the stuff
of miracles.
Thank Christ. [gasps]
Damn, you see?
I can't be stopped.
[priest] Blasphemy.
Not so bad.
I have "sin" worse.
[Liza giggles]
Praise Peter,
'cause that's just the tip
of the iceberg.
Mm! Just the tip?
Wow.
That line outside doesn't lie.
You do get around.
And around a turn of phrase.
I am, indeed, a Roman Catholic.
-[record scratching]
-[chuckles]
What is it, my child?
Not a fan of what
I'm "sermon" up?
I don't know.
I thought this would be
more fun.
It usually is.
You in sleek black outfit,
the mesh screen between us,
the growing awareness
of how forbidden everything is,
and how interminably
sexy that makes it.
Go on.
This is the sexy priest scene.
I love when we do
the sexy priest scene.
I even had one of those
sexy priest calendars
-from Rome, you know the one.
-Know it?
I was Father October.
-[laughter]
-[knocking]
[Rosa] Pssst!
-Hey, Padre.
-[applause]
How it going in there
with my daughter?
She confess that she's been
a terrible daughter yet?
No, we're just finishing up
with dirty puns.
-Ah.
-Fa-- Father, are you listening?
Yes, of course.
I just heard a voice.
Oh, well, then you'll get along
great with Liza,
-she's always hearing voices.
-[laughter]
Mother, is that you?
Well, who else would it be?
It's my show.
-[laughter]
-You see, Padre,
when she was 20,
she took a women's
study class in college,
and I think that's where
I really lost her.
Mom! What are you doing?
The confessional sketch.
You're not in the confessional
sketch.
Well, I am now.
Plus, you're going on too long.
There are other people
on the show, you know.
-[applause]
-[sighs]
Always thinking about yourself,
huh?
You're ruining my scene.
Oh, like you ruined our duet?
I never agreed to sing
the duet,
you sprung it on me knowing
I didn't wanna do it.
Oh, so sue me for trying
to make our last show special.
Special for you.
Special for both of us.
There is no us.
We're not besties.
We've never been friends.
I don't know why you keep
insisting that we could be.
You see what I have to
put up with, Father?
-[sighs]
-You just can't let me have
one scene on my own.
-Envy.
-Hmm.
This isn't a scene about envy.
Oh, please.
You love it.
Oh, you have no problem
telling your therapist
in real life
what a terrible mother I am.
So just pretend that Bradberry
is your therapist,
and let him in on all
of my transgressions.
You know, I have played
a therapist before.
What was it? Uh...
Season 13, when you asked
Liza to address
her dress size.
[Liza and Rosa] Shut up, Brad.
[laughter]
Why do you have a problem
with me going to therapy?
Oh! You use it as a weapon
against me.
It's true.
I've seen her do it.
Oh, you see, now,
Lisa understands me.
Lisa is my friend.
Oh, you betcha, Zia Ro.
-[audience] Aww!
-For the love of God,
stick to your own sins, Lisa!
Aren't you always telling
everyone what a terrible
mother I was?
Ugh! Therapy.
And I'm the one
who should be ashamed?
She talks about me
like I'm Medea, the Greek.
[laughter]
You see, Bruce, Medea was this
ancient Greek figure,
who ate her own children.
[Liza] Stop it.
Stop talking to Bruce.
No more asides.
I am right f*cking here!
[scoffs] All right, first,
you don't want me in the scene,
and now you accuse me
of being out of the scene.
What's a girl to do?
[applause]
I know it's hard for you
to imagine,
but there are things in my life,
great things in my current life,
that don't revolve around you!
-Oh yeah?
-Yeah!
Then why, in God's name,
do you keep showing up here?
Hmm?
[Lisa] Um, excuse me.
If you guys
aren't gonna confess,
do you think I could get back
in there with Father Brad?
This is on you, missy.
No, you keep me up here,
hosting this show,
running the game,
you haven't talked to me
in years.
So why am I still
in your head?
Huh?
Hey, Padre.
Isn't it time for Liza
to start practicing
some forgiveness around her
dear, old dying mother?
Well, most therapists
would counsel her
to forgive only someone
who was accountable
for their behavior.
When they've owned up to it,
and are truly sorry
-for having done it.
-Huh.
Well,
Uh...
Hey, um, aren't you reading
from the wrong book there, Brad?
-[Bradberry] Yes.
-[laughs]
Ah, yes.
Uh, the Catholic Church says,
"Confession begins
with contrition."
Are you contrite?
Mother?
You're not going to apologize.
For what?
For sacrificing my whole,
miserable life for you?
I didn't ask for that!
Well, neither did I, kiddo!
So I guess we both got
a raw deal, huh?
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned,
it has been two minutes
since my last confession.
[Bradberry] Proceed, my child.
I hate my mother.
Ah! There it is!
Wrath.
[man] Boo!
Well, what do you have
to say about that, Father?
[angelic choir playing]
Do you ever think
your toaster is against you?
Setting one
results in warm bread.
Setting five means
brimstone is for breakfast.
Well, no more.
Introducing the
Deus Ex Machina Toaster.
Stop wasting your
hard-earned bread on
toast you just can't trust.
Deus Ex Machina Toasters
get you out of a jam.
[ding]
Deus Ex Machina.
The name is Latin.
The toast is divine.
Really, Mother?
A deus ex machina?
Well,
I think that went rather well.
[Bradberry] I think those improv
classes are really paying off.
Mmm. That
is quite a device.
It's a machine, actually.
Mmm. Very convenient.
[overlapping chatter]
Mothers and daughters
Daughters and moms
Weddings, communions
Confirmations and proms
Unbreakable bonds
[soft sentimental music]
You can't understand because
you don't
have your own children.
She sacrificed her
happiness for you.
You owe it to her.
You should go talk
to your mother, Liza.
Friends, a
dance with Rosa and...
[whispering] I was
supposed to say Rosa.
You were supposed to say Rosa?
He was supposed to say Rosa.
Friends, a dance with Gus and...
And Rosa.
He said it good.
[applause]
["Gee, This Love
of Ours" playing]
A pleasure cruise,
a sip of wine
A rose when it's
not Valentine's
A gift that's too
explainable, this love of ours
A diamond ring
from the lion's mouth
A picket fence
at our new house
A love that's not attainable,
this love of ours
We spin each other out,
our dancing feet grow tired
But here's another bout
We'll never retire,
that's not how we're wired
Till death do
part, this just the start
The commitment
outgrows the heart
This t*rture is insane-able,
this love of ours
It's un-retrainable
It's constrainable
Oh, it's pain-able,
shame-able, back-pain-able
Stainable, crane-able
It's blame-able
It's
boo-ba-doop-boop-boop-boo
It's
yada-dat-dat-dah-dah
Oh, it's
gooey-goo, fooey-foo, ow
Owie-zow, zowie-pow
Powie-regrettable
Gee, this love of ours
[applause]
Oh!
[crashing]
[sighs] Couldn't you once,
just once, do things properly?
I don't know,
take the lead or take a hint,
or just leave me the f*ck alone,
you useless, helpless man.
Don't talk to him like that.
Dad, are you okay?
How can you speak to him
that way?
Stay out of it, Liza.
I will speak to your
father however I like.
Nobody deserves to
be spoken to that way.
He is a grown man.
He can speak for himself.
-You're a bully.
-Oh, you are so sensitive.
Sensitive?
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Re-- relax. Relax.
Relax.
Relax?
She threw you across the floor.
How can I relax?
Don't you
have anything to say about that?
Everybody do what they like.
That's it?
That's all you have to say?
You see? He's fine.
He doesn't
have a problem with it.
Of course he
has a problem with it!
He just has a bigger
problem if he stands up to you.
Everybody does.
[sighs] Okay. Here we go.
I can't say anything
without getting attacked by you.
You attacked him!
[sighs] This is what you do.
Yeah, make yourself the victim.
Here we go.
Not this again.
Rosa.
Rosa, Rosa.
[Liza sighs]
[softly] All right.
And now, a word from
my beautiful niece Lisa
on an exciting new
business opportunity
for all you busy moms on the go.
[Bradberry] Coming up,
the cousins go shopping!
And later, Liza goes ballistic!
Are you tired of
working for somebody else?
And does it show on your
tired, aging, disgusting face?
Well, then,
have I got a deal for you.
If you start
a Kah-Loying Kosmetics
business with me today,
not only will you start making
money immediately--
after you've purchased all
of your products--
but I'll throw in this
tube of our new deeply
Kah-Loying Koncealer for free.
[sniffs]
[coughs, clears throat]
Mmm.
Botanical oils!
So natural.
["Koncealing Your Feelings"
playing]
Koncealing,
koncealing your feelings
Have you been
koncealing your feelings?
Koncealing,
koncealing your feelings
Feel like you
haven't got a clue?
Koncealing your feelings
while wheeling and dealing
Just think of the
life you could lead.
You're
leading that life, Lisa!
What?
And turning off
all of your friends
Okay, who the
frick is that singing?
It's me, Lisa. Your zit!
Make people feel pretty
but still a bit shitty
While cashing
in those dividends
Financially free
is the promise we make
But watch all
the friendships
And money we'll take
A company for ladies
That's
definitely not shady
But founded
exclusively by a man
The world for the takin'
When you're on the
makin', rep Kah-Loying
Hey, hey, zip-awat-zip-a-wat
[Bradberry] Kah-Loying Kosmetics
makes no promises or
guarantees regarding income.
The success
or failure of each Kah-Loying
independent
contractor depends on your
business skills
and personal effort.
We're not saying that
if you don't make money,
it's your own damn fault,
but we might as well be.
Good luck!
[Lisa] Hey!
What's that?
It's me, Lisa.
Your zit.
[zit] Oh, no.
[overlapping chatter]
40 watts.
60 watts.
100 watts.
If there's
one thing I've learned
from working
in television for 30 years,
it's this: even for
the brightest of ideas,
if it's not on a tape,
it'll never make the show.
You should
go talk to your mom, Liza.
[applause]
[register dings]
There's wolves wear
sheep's clothing
And ducklings as swans
But being your mother
Is life's greatest joy
Ugh.
I hate this song.
[audience laughter]
Liza?
Oh, my God!
What are
you doing here?
Hey, Lisa. Hi.
I'm, uh, just picking
up a gift for my boyfriend.
Oh. Boyfriend?
What is he, twelve?
[audience laughter]
Heh.
No, no, he's 40.
Um, this
is a collector's item, actually.
Oh. Okay.
Well, you do like to
collect 'em, don't you?
-[audience laughter]
-How many men have you dated?
Oh, you can't
count that high, Lisa.
-[audience laughter]
-[both chuckling]
Uh, you and Dildo--
I mean, uh,
Dino, still together?
[audience laughter]
Um, yes.
Of course.
Why?
What did you hear?
[imperial music]
Thy husband gropeth
me at Zio Mario's funeral.
[crowd] Ooh!
[Lisa shouting]
Hyah!
I'm coming for thee, b*tch!
I wisheth thee were dead!
[Liza shouting]
Henceforth!
[groaning]
Nothing.
I hear nothing.
I was
just making conversation.
Have you been talking
to that b*tch, Caprice?
[audience gasps]
-I don't know who that is.
-Yeah, yeah.
Well,
I'm still with him, so...
Caprice.
Isn't that the name--
And he better still be with me,
or else he's
gonna hear about it.
-[audience laughter]
-Okay, cool.
Yeah.
Makes sense.
[Lisa exhales]
That's a nice color.
Is that for you?
Oh. No, it's a gift!
It's Christmas time. Doy.
[spectators shouting, cheering]
I know, and you know,
and everybody here knows
that your womb is as empty as
that place is where
your heart's supposed to be!
The chest.
Oh,
but I bet you didn't know that!
[spectators jeering]
Oh, yeah?
Have another baby,
why don't you, Lisa?
Or should I call you Loose-a?
It should slide right
out of that stretched-out
drawstring
purse nice and easy now,
shouldn't it?
-[spectators cheering]
-What?
Oh...
[shouting]
It's for your mom, actually.
[audience gasps]
Ah.
Right.
How nice.
I am, yes.
So is she.
I guess so.
To some people.
A snake slithers
through the canopy slime.
You called your
mother a b*tch at Christmas.
Did my mother tell you that?
Yes.
She lied.
[tense rock music]
I'm tired of your sh*t, Lisa.
Dead tired.
You don't have the ba*ls.
I don't need ba*ls, cousin.
I got a shoulder-mounted
rocket launcher.
Oh, sh*t.
[slowed-down shouting]
Let off some steam, Lisa.
You know, I've
been meaning to talk
to you about the
situation with your mother,
but I wanted to honor
the "boundary" that you put up.
I put up the boundary with
my mother, not the rest of you.
Just to be clear.
[soft music]
Mango to Zebra.
Mango to Zebra.
Does
anyone ever ask how I am? Over.
Orange Zebra,
this is Free Mango.
I repeat, does anyone
in the family ever ask how I am?
Over.
Do you read me?
Loud and clear,
Bad Mango.
Ten four. Copy that.
No.
No one ever asks about you.
You are considered
a hostile agent.
Over!
[dramatic music]
[g*nf*re]
I hate you!
You hate me
because I'm beautiful.
Thank you for flying Pan Bam!
[laughing]
I can't imagine what
could be so terrible that
you wouldn't
talk to your own mother.
No, I guess you couldn't.
Hey, I'd love a bag.
Thanks.
Actually,
I'm glad I ran into you.
Oh...
I was about to
mail out these family
Christmas cards,
but since you're here.
Ahh.
Right, a family portrait.
Christmas card.
Why is she wearing shorts?
Oh, we went with kind of
like a summer-winter theme,
you know what I mean?
So we could wear
whatever we wanted,
and I wanted to kind
of go with that idea, like,
you know how
we're angels on a tree?
You know how the
angels on top of the tree are,
like, kind of...
No. Victoria.
Victoria, get-- I'm sorry,
can you just stand still for
five seconds so the photographer
can take the picture?
Honestly!
Mattea, no. Back up.
Dino? f*ck.
You wanna help or you
wanna be on your phone?
Honestly,
I wanna be on my phone.
Baby, please!
Together. Come on.
Happy family and...
[all] Merry Christmas!
[camera shutter clicks]
[exhales] Thank God.
Was that good?
No, that was total sh*t.
Nobody likes getting
your tacky Christmas card, Lisa.
Liza?
What the
eff are you doing here?
You're not fooling anyone.
We all know your husband
is on his phone checking the
baseball score while he
DMs his sidepiece Caprice.
-What?
-Baby, I'm not.
It's the beginning of
f*cking September, and you're
taking a Christmas card
photo in a sleeveless f*cking
dress in a park with
f*cking green trees in it!
We're gonna
PhotoShop the snow in, dumbass.
That makes even less sense!
Why do you
care about this stuff?
Why don't you care
about anything?
You're a mess.
And you're a mess who
can't even have a family.
Can't and won't
aren't the same thing, bud.
And if I had your
family, I'd--
You'd what?
Well, I wouldn't.
Doesn't surprise me
that you don't want your own
family when your own
family doesn't want you.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah!
[shouting] Yeah!
[slowed-down shouting]
[Lisa continuing] ...the
paint color seems more of,
like, a silvery blue.
When I tried it in
my powder room, which
has no natural light,
as you know, the paint looked
more like blue-silver,
but I think it's still pretty.
I think.
Yeah.
-Yeah, sounds like.
-[Lisa] Yeah.
Well, uh, thank you
for the Christmas card.
Sure.
And Merry Christmas.
You too.
And to the family.
Thanks.
[Liza sighs]
[Alternate Liza] I
know what you're thinking.
When did we start
imagining such violent thoughts?
Who said that?
Oh, it's me.
Down here?
Come on.
Join me!
Um... who are you?
I'm the version of
you that you think your
family wants you to be.
And I imagine doing those things
to our cousin Lisa all the time!
-You do?
-Oh, sure.
She's mean and petty and makes
shitty comments about my life.
And I did all the right things.
I got married, I had two babies,
I live around the corner.
-Yikes.
-I know.
And here's the thing:
I actually did punch Lisa once.
-You did?
-Oh, yeah.
It was at a charity
boxing match for the church,
so it didn't really
count, but, man, it felt good.
A what?
You know,
a charity boxing match.
Amazing.
And our
parents, are they happier?
Are they nicer to you because
you did all those things?
No.
They're exactly the same.
Especially Mom.
[sighs] Wow.
Only you don't have to hear
about it because you got out.
Lucky!
Yeah, but I
still feel shitty about it.
She's in my head all the time.
-Tell me about it.
-[Future Liza] Tell me about it!
Wait, what was that?
I'm the future version
of you that you're currently
becoming, and will
be soon, for the record.
Come on up.
Whoa!
Very whoa.
Yes!
[stirring music]
This guilt, this misery and
shame, is not yours to carry.
Oh, that's nice to hear.
Will I feel like
I've tried enough, though?
To help her feel better?
[Future Liza sighs]
We did the best we could.
It wasn't our responsibility
to help her in the first place.
She was the parent.
We were the kid.
And we tried so many
times to make her feel
better with no success.
We had to stop
sacrificing our own
self in service of
this impossible task.
And we won't feel
like a bad daughter?
You're an individual person.
You get to choose how to
be in a relationship with your
mother, or not be in a
relationship with her at all.
Nope.
If you love your parents,
you're not supposed to do that.
[sighs] Right.
We're supposed
to take care of our
parents forever,
no matter how they treat us.
Our parents will have to take
responsibility for themselves.
If they haven't, that's on them.
-[Alternate Liza] Oh, sh*t.
-[Liza] What?
[Alternate Liza] My
kids are gonna figure
this out one
day, too, aren't they?
[Future Liza] Afraid so.
[Alternate Liza] I knew
I shouldn't have had kids.
So, this bad feeling--
like I'm somehow wrong
for wanting to be happy,
wrong for even existing--
that goes away?
There are people who are
inspired by your choice to leave
that toxic situation and
live your life on your terms.
That's what you'll focus on.
I'm one of those people.
You know, me too.
Sure,
but you're both in my head.
I mean...
I think that still counts.
Totally counts.
Thanks, by the way.
For what?
-For taking care of yourself.
-Oh.
You're welcome.
So how do I get here?
Yeah.
You spend
some time with her.
[gasps]
Is that us?
Little us.
[Past Liza giggling]
That's a great outfit.
I remember that outfit!
[Liza] What should I do?
Just love her.
[Bradberry] Coming up
next, Rosa turns up the heat!
And later in
the hour, it's Liza's turn.
[thunder rumbling]
[mid-tempo guitar music]
Hi, friends.
This isn't my first rodeo.
Ever think about your life?
I sure did.
And I'm here to
tell you, there's a better way.
[splash]
Look, I love my wife.
I don't know.
Love my daughter?
I don't know.
I think.
They're what I wanted.
But for years,
I struggled with the basic
idea that I never had
any idea what I am doing.
I copied black-and-white
TV dads, then color TV dads.
[man] Movie of the week dads?
No, my friend.
The after-school special dads.
And that worked.
Christ, that
worked for a good chunk of time.
Until it didn't.
But now I don't worry about it,
because I found ERF:
Emotional Relief Fund.
For the cost
of a cup of latte a day,
you can support
a father through the
hardest years of his
life: from high school to death.
[indistinct chatter]
I know there are other options:
guilty affairs,
Corvettes you can't afford,
pretending we understand
what's asked of us when asked.
[chuckles]
Uncle Weeze even got a ponytail.
Damn.
Right!
But forget all that.
ERF frees you from worry.
Your wife belittles you?
ERF.
Your daughter,
who you never really knew,
but you know
she's something special?
[music, chatter stops]
Liza...
I love you so, so much.
When you were little,
I was often sad thinking
about how quickly
this short time was going.
Now I'm sad thinking about how
quickly the short time will go.
I won't always be here,
which is made worse by the fact
that I wasn't alway--
Gosh.
You're way too smart for
this kind of--
You know what I'm trying to--
I'm very proud
of what you've become, Liza.
Of the family
you've made with Alan.
I want you to know
that I have one great regret.
It's that I've been
a spectator during the
best parts of your life.
[music, chatter resumes]
But ERF changed this,
relieved me from this emotion.
Daughter refuses to
speak with you anymore?
ERF.
Remember
that body you once had?
Strong, athletic,
maybe even desirable?
ERF.
Struggling for words?
ERF.
That changing tide.
ERF.
Time?
[music, chatter stops]
[glass shatters]
[men chanting]
ERF! ERF! ERF!
ERF! ERF! ERF!
Help us help ourselves.
Free us from these feelings
that we are told are wrong.
Our regrets, our doubt.
From love, from
doubt, from love! God damn it!
Even a single tool to
help us deal with any of it!
We are told to be
strong, but we are not strong.
So this is what we do.
Call the number below.
[chuckles]
We take cash,
but we prefer checks.
Checking out.
Am I right, boys?
[all laughing]
[chanting] ERF! ERF! ERF!
ERF! ERF! ERF!
ERF: you too
can make a diff-ERF-ence.
ERF! ERF! ERF! ERF!
[overlapping chatter]
If it'll give you closure and a
sense of wholeness,
you could
go talk to your mother, Liza.
But only if you want to.
[applause]
Well, welcome back, everyone.
I know what
you're thinking:
isn't this show only
supposed to take an hour?
[snorts]
And where is an
hourglass when you need one?
[exhales]
Well, enough about me.
I'd be remiss
if we didn't celebrate
the second
special occasion of the
evening: my
daughter Liza's birthday.
And here she is!
-[applause]
-Huh.
Looking like
a cartoon character.
What? I love this dress.
Yellow makes me happy.
[scoffs] Can't you
just wear something else?
Didn't you see your
cousin earlier in the
show in that great
little black number?
[audience member] Whoo!
You bought her that outfit.
That's why you like it.
No, it's stylish.
That's why I like it.
I've been in fashion for
over 50 years.
Can't you tell?
Here.
You forgot your lipstick.
Oh, no, I'm good.
Just take it.
Please.
So, today,
for my Liza's birthday,
we are making one of Liza's
favorite desserts, carrot cake.
-[applause]
-I hate carrot cake.
What are you talking about?
You love carrot cake.
I made it for you
like, a hundred times over.
Yeah, and every time I
tell you I don't like it.
I thought we were
making Black Forest,
my actual favorite.
Now, you be a good
little girl and you start
peeling these
carrots while I pour
myself a little glass
of sherry to kick things off.
[audience member] Whoo!
Oh, you know what
they say: never trust
a chef who doesn't
drink her own booze.
[audience laughter]
Mmm.
Okay, so.
As you know,
most carrot cakes are made
out of very
fattening ingredients.
Lard, sugar,
cream cheese, flour.
I mean, how are you
supposed to stay svelte
with all that fat, hmm?
Everybody knows the
most important thing a
woman has is her figure.
Am I right?
Liza, did you know
that I didn't eat for
a week before my wedding day?
[audience gasps]
No, you never told me that.
Mmm. Could've
married anyone I wanted.
But I had to
end up with your father.
Okay, let's leave
Dad out of this, okay?
That's where he usually is,
out of it.
Remember that, Bruce?
His disappearing act?
Do you remember that?
[Peg] Paging Bruce
to the pharmacy.
Anyway.
The thing about this
carrot cake that I've created is
that it is perfectly
suitable for any diet you're on.
East Beach, West Beach, uptown,
downtown, give up, throw up.
If you're currently
or intermittently starving
yourself, you are
gonna love this cake.
[applause]
Liza, what
are you doing over there?
What a mess.
Didn't I teach you anything?
Where are the other ingredients?
I only got carrots.
And that's all you need.
-[applause]
-How?
Well, when life gives
you carrots, make carrot cake.
I don't think that's the saying.
Maybe I could use some
of those ingredients there?
No, no, these are just props.
There's nothing in them.
No, this is just, uh,
hamster shavings...
here,
and, well,
these are ping-pong ba*ls.
And this...
ah, just your father.
[laughs]
Ah.
Why can't I
stop peeling these damn carrots?
Let's face it, Liza, you
could use the upper arm workout.
[ding]
Mom,
I know this is your show,
but since it's apparently
my birthday in this sketch,
I would really love it
if we could not talk about
bodies or-- or weight
loss or anything like that.
Maybe just for today, we
could be kind about our bodies.
[applause]
I can't f*cking say anything
without getting sh*t from you!
All I wanted to do
was something special
for your birthday,
and all I get is attacked.
[sobbing]
Why can't you just let me say
whatever the f*ck I wanna say?
All I was trying to
say is that we don't have
to talk about
our bodies like that.
I will talk about
my body however I like.
It is my f*cking body.
This is the body
that gave birth to you.
Or did you
just magically appear?
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my apologies.
My apologies to the
faithful among you for my
g*dd*mn daughter and
her "Jesus Christ" bullshit.
Aren't you tired of
her shaming me like this?
-[applause]
-Oh, God. Please.
If I don't tell you that
you look bad, then who will?
These idiots?
[audience gasps]
Oh, come on.
You'll clap for anything.
You are not to be trusted.
[audience booing]
Really?
Really?
Oh, haven't I been
entertaining enough for
you for the last hour?
Haven't I given
enough of myself?
My deepest
secrets, my open wounds,
my f*cking carrot cake recipe!
[panting]
Wha-- what the f*ck do I have
to do to get respect from you?
Huh?
I mean,
who the f*ck do I have to be?
Mom, I--
I don't know what to do.
You never did.
Yes, I did.
[timer dings]
The f*ck was that?
It's my Black Forest cake.
But-- but all I gave
you was carrots.
Yeah.
I know.
[somber music]
[Peg] Cue Bruce for sweep up.
Cue Brad and Lisa on
countertop.
Cue Gus for cake.
Cue Alan for emotional support.
Cue Peg and Brad for chairs.
Cue Lisa for table.
Cue Gus for cake.
[woman over PA] Visiting hours
will be over in 30 minutes.
[Peg] And cue curtain.
Scene's in place.
Cue control room.
So, here we are.
Uh-huh.
The big interview.
The one they've
all been waiting for.
Yes, the one you've
all been waiting for.
The one you've
been waiting for, yes.
Well, I haven't seen you for,
what, a couple years now, hmm?
We're over an
hour into the show, Mom.
So what have you been up
to these last couple years?
Your audience awaits.
My audience? Right.
You really wanna know?
Well, I asked you, didn't I?
It's just,
you have a way of asking.
What-- And what is
that supposed to mean?
You used to do this
thing when I was eating.
You'd ask,
"What are you eating?"
But you knew the answer.
You just wanted me to know
that you knew what I was eating.
Like french fries.
Always with the french fries.
I like french fries.
Mmm, indeed.
With mustard and pepper.
I enjoy french fries
with mustard and pepper, yes.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
And since you've
asked, that's what
I've been doing all
this time away from you.
Enjoying.
Enjoying life.
Feeling the possibility.
If I want french fries
with mustard and pepper,
then I have french
fries with mustard and pepper.
Oh, must be nice for you.
It has been, yes.
Without you.
And you?
What have I been up to?
Yeah.
I mean,
your audience awaits.
Uh... just
getting on with it.
With what?
With life, I suppose.
The final segment, when
people have stopped watching.
Not that you've cared.
[chuckles]
I've cared.
So, uh, are
you still with that Alan?
You know I am.
And work?
I actually got brought
on full-time in the company.
Yeah, it's going really well.
It's great.
Good, good. I guess
that's what's important.
Self-fulfillment.
The self.
Hmm.
Uh, I hear
that you've prepared a--
a special song for us, a solo.
-A solo.
-A solo, yes, yes.
And, um--
and maybe if
there's time after that,
we could just...
No.
No duet.
Please?
We did have some fun,
though, didn't we?
-We did.
-Like when we used to watch
shows like this, you remember?
-Together.
-Yeah.
You know,
this isn't my last show.
All right, fine.
Just-- just have it your way.
Why did you even come here?
Because you're dying.
[somber music]
I feel like
I died a long time ago.
Maybe the moment you left,
when you finally left,
or those moments just before
when I knew you would leave.
Those moments
are maybe the worst.
When you know the
thing is gonna happen.
Just that... waiting.
I have always been waiting,
waiting for you to leave me.
When you were
a little girl, I remember
you loved swimming,
but you hated cold water.
And you did this thing
where you-- you would never
dip your toe into the water
to see how cold it was, because
if you found out it was
too cold, you'd never jump in.
But if you just
jumped in, then you'd
find out once
your body was submerged.
And I remember thinking
how much I admired that.
[chuckling]
You know, that my daughter
was the kind of girl,
the kind of woman,
who was just going to jump
in and start swimming.
She wasn't gonna linger.
You'd see some kids,
driving board, worrying.
Others would slowly
wade into the shallow end,
try to
get used to the cold.
Some kids
would never go in at all.
But not my Liza.
No, she wasn't
like those other kids.
She wasn't like me,
always so worried about
the cold that I just...
stood here,
looking in.
You jumped, and I just--
I'm just standing,
looking into the water,
always looking in,
and never having any idea what
it felt like--
Why couldn't you stand with me?
Why couldn't you just suck it
up and deal with it like I did?
You think my mother
was easy to deal with?
You think that my
mother was a picnic?
A warm, fuzzy sweater?
God!
You knew the woman.
You-- you know
what I've been through.
Or you don't. You--
you have no idea.
You have no
idea how hard it's been.
It is...
I'm all alone in here.
...and always will be.
How dare you?
How dare you leave me?
I curse you.
I curse you
and I-- and I love you,
and I-- I hate
you, and I curse you!
I know, maybe, um--
maybe I left
you before you can leave me.
Maybe I died when you were born.
Just a walking
corpse all these years.
[exhales shakily]
So, what's up next for you?
Swimming.
Without me?
Maybe.
What did I
do that was so terrible?
You punished me for diving in.
Why did I do that?
I don't really know.
Why do you think you did that?
Because you're
better than me, and--
and I don't
get any credit for that.
So, um...
will you come visit
me after this show is over?
I don't know.
I don't
know if it's safe for me.
You really don't wanna have any
kind of relationship with me?
I don't know how to
have a relationship with you.
Me neither.
Friends, foes, familia.
Please welcome to the
stage, my daughter, alone: Liza.
[applause]
["Liza' Turn" playing]
Show is done
The talking's over
The curtains fall
The sets roll away
A failed duet
And old regrets
So hard to listen
with so much to say
I came to see if we
could meet in the middle
Somewhere
between a song and dance
No fun for the whole family,
so why do I come here?
To Rosa's
world, it's Liza's world
I'm running off
I keep running off
A little
song, a little dance
A little
Liza in a trance
Big spenders, pretenders,
the reality upenders
No more Rosa Show
Time to go
Go solo
But
Mothers and daughters
Daughters and moms
Where everything's fodder
The jokes are all wrong
Panic, confusion
Humiliations and songs
Waterfalls,
self-reflection
Caught
in moments far away
Dark skies open
You get hopin' you might
see a brighter day
I came to see if we
could meet in the middle
But then
the rains burst overhead
And all this pain,
this unsolvable riddle
Led me to find
my own rhythm instead
So I am out here alone
And every moment I own
That's true no
matter if I stay or go
And these
feelings are tough
But to feel them's enough
And since I've had enough!
It's all
too bad and awfully sad
But you chose there
And I choose standing here
[soft music]
She's been
in here all day watching
these old variety shows.
Can't get her away from the TV.
Thanks, Bruce.
Did you drop this?
[Liza] Thanks, Peg.
You want me to let
her know that you're here?
I don't know.
Water looks cold.
Sorry, hon?
Nothing.
I may
just watch for a while.
["Mothers and
Daughters" playing]
I thought I was happy
Till you came along
My own little angel
You made me so strong
Just being your mother
is life's greatest gift
What is it we'll both miss
When you're set adrift?
Mothers and daughters
Daughters and moms
Mothers and daughters
Daughters and moms
Weddings, communions
Confirmations and proms
Unbreakable bonds
Some people are happy
And some don't belong
There's wolves
wear sheep's clothing
And ducklings as swans
Just being your mother
is life's greatest joy
Some mothers have daughters
Some mothers have boys
Mothers and daughters
Daughters and moms
Mothers and daughters
Daughters and moms
This is who we are
You're a star
And I'm a star too, too
Far away my heart
Daughters and moms
Mothers and daughters
Daughters and moms
Weddings, communions
Confirmations and proms
Unbreakable bonds
Mother and daughter
Unbreakable bonds
Unbreakable bonds
["Gee, This Love
of Ours" playing]
A pleasure cruise,
a sip of wine
A rose when it's
not Valentine's
A gift that's too
explainable, this love of ours
A diamond ring
from the lion's mouth
A picket fence
at our new house
A love that's not
attainable, this love of ours
A fresh mowed
lawn, a back massage
A romance
movie, a love montage
A ruse that's not
sustainable,
this love of ours
A healthy dose
of saving face
A life that is complainable
There's gotta be more,
that's for sure
This love of ours
We spin each other out,
our dancing feet grow tired
But here's another bout
We'll never retire,
that's not how we're wired
Till death do
part, this just the start
The commitment
outgrows the heart
This t*rture is insane-able,
this love of ours
It's un-retrainable
It's constrainable
Oh, it's
pain-able, shame-able
Back-pain-able,
stain-able, crane-able
It's blame-able
It's
boo-ba-doop-boop-boop-boo
It's
yada-dat-dat-dah-dah
Oh, it's
gooey-goo, fooey-foo, ow
Owie-zow, zowie-pow
Powie-regrettable
Gee, this love of ours
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Mother of All Shows (2023)
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