02x01 - Bea's Commercial/Hairanoid

[bunniefuu]

[BUBBLING]

-[SONG BEGINS]
-One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail

School's out, ring the bell!

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

La, la, la, la

Ooh

One, two, three, four

Who's that knocking at my door?

Five, six, seven, eight

Hurry up and don't be late

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve

Got a secret I can't tell

Flap your fins, flip your tail!

School's out, ring the bell!

[SONG ENDS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[BICYCLE BELL RINGING]

Whoa!

-Hey, hon.
-Yeah, hon?

-I love you.
-I love you more.

-I love you more, more.
-I love you more, more, more!

-Hey, guess what?
-I love you more times infinity.

Not possible, hon.

I love you more than the moon
and the stars and the planets...

BEA'S DAD: Not possible more!

'Cause I love you more
than all the grilled cheese sandwiches...

I said, "Guess what!"

I have an audition today.

An audition for a commercial.

Aud... What? What's wrong?

-Oh, Honey.
-Oh, Honey.

-Oh!
-Oh!

BOTH: Oh, honey, honey pie.

J... Just say what you need to say,
please.

It's just that acting
can be such a hard life,

what with the rejection,
the broken dreams,

the living off canned beans.

Aw, what do you say we find you
a new hobby, like trivia?

That's my hobby,
and it's never let me down.

"Did you know that a cow gives at least

-[COW SCREAMS]
-[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

A hobby? Acting is not a hobby!
It is my life!

And this commercial at the Hokey Poke
is like a gateway to my career.

It's gonna be on TV, Mom.
T! V!

Oh, Bea, we're just looking out for you.

Mother, if you want to look out for me,

you'd best turn on your television,

because that's where you'll find me.

-CHIEF: Next!
-Aw!

-"Delicious!"
-"Deciduous."

-"De..."
-"...lic..."

-"...ious."
-Uh, is this the line for the bathroom?

-I am a delicious burger.
-CHIEF: Next!

[SOBS]

Looks like the auditions
for the Chief's Hokey Poke commercials

are going really well.

And on an unrelated note,
I've discovered glue!

[EXCLAIMS]
It's sticky.

So, Bea, are you nervous?

Me? Nervous?

[GASPS] Oh my gosh, yes!

This commercial could be my big chance

to show my parents
that acting is a valid career choice.

I've never worked so hard for a role.

Just to research the role,
I spent the last month

working in the kitchen with Chief

disguised as a busboy
name Bob Hirohito.

[YELLS]

I just hope I can pull it off.

Bea, you just gotta go into that audition
and knock them on their tail fins.

Milo's right.

Once your parents see
how awesome you are in this commercial,

they'll totally support you.

You guys really think so?
You think I'm good enough?

To remind you of how great you really are,
I glued a motivational collage.

See? It says "Good luck, Bea..."

somewhere off to the side there.

-Uh, thanks, Milo.
-Don't thank me, Bea.

Thank glue!

-Next!
-I'm up!

Break a fin, Bea.

Hello, Chief.

-I am here for my audit...
-Sit down!

All right, let's get this over with.

Hokey Poke food is delicious.

-CHIEF: Audition's over.
-Do I get the part?

Bassy, how many more
we got waiting in line?

-She's the last one.
-All right, kid, you got the part.

-Oh, my gosh!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll have you up and riding
scorpions by tomorrow.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, riding scorpions! Whoa, whoa,
wait a minute. Scorpions?

For the commercial. See? Scorpions,
diner food... it all makes sense.

[GULPS]

You can ride a scorpion, can't you?

Uh...

Yes!

I happen to not only be
a great actress,

but an expert scorpion rider as well.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Yeah.

Bea, Bea, Bea, Bea, Bea.

So you lied to the Chief
to be in the commercial?

I thought lying was something
you're not supposed to do,

like sneezing and tooting
at the same time.

It's not a lie.

I see this as a truth
that hasn't come true yet.

[SINGSONGS]
Diddly-doo!

But you always tell me not to lie.

This is different

because I don't know
that I can't ride them yet, so...

[SINGSONGS]
Diddly-doo!

So you're saying it's okay to lie?

[SINGSONGS] Diddly-doo!
Totally different situation!

This is not a problem

because I'm a smart girl,
and I do smart things.

Now, let's go find some
dangerous scorpions and ride them.

Hey, look! It's Bo Gregory!

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASP]

ALL: Ooh!

[SCORPION NEIGHS]

[APPLAUSE]

That was amazing, Bo Gregory!

Oh, 'tweren't nothing, Miss Bea.

Lady Snugglesworth here
is our gentlest scorpion.

[NEIGHS]

Why don't y'all give her a whirl?

This doesn't seem so hard.
I can totally do this.

-Go, Bea!
-Yeah! Go, Bea! You can do it!

It's easy, Miss Bea.

All you gots to do is hunker down
and go like this.

[FARTS]

Thanks, Bo Gregory,
but I am a trained actress

and I think I can take it from here.

[GRUNTS]

All right. [GIGGLES]

This doesn't seem so bad.

Now, all I have to do is say my line.

Hokey Poke food is de...

[ROARS]

[SCREAMING]
Make it stop! Make it stop!

[GRUNTS]

This hurts so bad.

-Oh, my gosh!
-Bea, are you okay?

What? Oh, this? [LAUGHS]

I meant to do this. [CHUCKLES]

Diddly... [GROANS]

Besides, you know what they say.

The best way to get over
falling off a scorpion

is to get back on it.

Watch this.

-Hokey Poke food is de...
-[SCORPION SCREECHES]

-[SCREAMS]
-[ALL GROAN]

I'm okay. It's just dislocated.

-[JOINT POPS]
-I think I've got it now.

-Hokey Poke food is...
-[SCORPION SCREECHES]

[ALL GROAN]

BEA: Ah! My nose.

[GRUNTS]
She's a feisty one, she is.

But I've got her right where I want her.

-Hokey... Oh, come on!
-[SCORPION SCREECHES]

-[GROAN]
-Dang!

[GROANS]

What am I gonna do?

Maybe my parents were right about trivia.

Maybe I'm not meant to be an actress.

MALE VOICE: [ON TV]
That is correct.

Bananas are slightly radioactive.

I knew that, Miss Pie. I know everything.

[CATS MEOW]

-[CAT YOWLING]
-No, that cannot happen!

One way or another, I'll conquer this.

Scorpions, prepare to meet your master.

[WAILS] Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

Bea's not here. Where is she, Milo?

Oscar! Chill out, bro!

-She'll be here.
-Hello, boys.

Mr. And Mrs. Goldfishberg,
have you seen Bea?

Chill out, Oscar.

We haven't seen her all morning.

In fact, she told us to go on ahead.

Said she had something
to take care of first.

Well, whatever it is,
she... she's gonna be late.

-BEA: Chill out, Oscar.
-Bea?

Yeehaw!

-[GLASS SHATTERS]
-Let's do this.

[ROARS]

-[ALL GASP]
-BEA'S DAD: Goodness!

Whoop-de-doo.

All right, take your places
and let's get cooking,

not literally.

All right, Bea! You're riding a scorpion.

You might say, I really "stuck" to it.

[BOTH LAUGH] Yeah, "stuck."

What do you mean?

What I mean is the audience won't be
the only ones "glued" to their seats.

-[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
-What?

Ugh! I glued myself to the scorpion, okay?
With Milo's glue.

Bea, that's crazy!

No, that's genius!

Oh man, oh man, what would we do
without glue?

Not stick things together…
that's what we'd do.

This was the only way to make sure
I don't fail in front of my parents.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
a star is about to be born.

Okay, kid, it's very simple...

Trot over to the table,
grab the food, say your line.

-Got it?
-Got it!

Scorpion, go now.

[SCORPION WHINNIES]

Easy now. Easy, easy.

Achoo! [FARTS]

Oh no, the sneeze and toot.

Milo!

[ROARS]

[ALL GASP]

[SCREAMING]

I thought scorpions
were supposed to be safe.

Whoa... Whoa!

This is awful! [SCREAMS]

Bea, honey, get off that scorpion!

She can't, Mrs. G. She's glued to it.

Oh, no! My baby!

Whoa! [YELPS]

[GASPS]
What have I done?

I bet a trivia buff would never
be in a situation like this.

Did you also know
that scorpions can be calmed down

by eating a Reuben sandwich?

Dad, I'm never going to need
to use that information, ever.

Aha!
Milo, hand me a Reuben sandwich!

You got it.
One Reuben sandwich, pretty please.

Reuben on a rail.

Reuben up!

-Reuben.
-Thanks.

One Reuben sandwich to go!

[BURPS]

[SNORES]

[CHEERING]

Hey, punk, I am furious!

Because you never told me
you could tame a wild scorpion.

This will make for
an even better commercial.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Well, that's a relief.

Good work, punk. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, Bea, thank goodness you're okay!

I knew you could do it, kiddo.

Remember, whatever you want to do in life,

you know you always have our support.

And that's not trivial!

[ALL LAUGH]

[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

MALE VOICE: Is your hunger...

out of control?

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

MALE VOICE: Tame it!

With Hokey Poke Diner food.

Hokey Poke Diner food is delicious!

Eat my food!

MALE VOICE: The Hokey Poke.

It's as easy as riding a scorpion.

-Good job, honey.
-That's my Bea!

Thanks, guys.

Now, can anybody tell me

when does this glue wear off?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

[ANGELIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]
I can stand here all day

watching Steve Jackson pack that book bag.

Girl, he is like a beautiful man painting.

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-[CAMERAS SNAPPING]

I wish I was one of those books.

[SNORTS]

-[SIGHS]
-MILO: Bea!

I have an amazing story.

So, I was walking down the street,
minding my business,

when I found a quarter.

And I said, "Hot dog!"

And then I found a piece of bubblegum,
but the gum didn't taste good,

so I stuck it under Oscar's pillow.

-And then I went to the bathroom and...
-[BOTH GRUNT]

-Bea!
-No, bro.

Bea and the girls are over there
watching Steve Jackson.

They do this, like, every morning.

I know because I watch Bea...
every morning.

Oh, they just like
looking at Steve Jackson

'cause they think he's all perfect.

They wrong.

Okay, today's lesson is easy.

Who knows how to say "hello" in French?

Hola, mi amigos!

No, doofus. It's bo... bo...
bo... bo... bo...

...bo... bo... bojour... bonjou...
bojour... bojou...

What?
Can anyone help Oscar with his French?

I think what Oscar's trying to say is...

-[BIRDS TWITTERING]
-Bonjour.

-[ALL SIGH]
-Hot.

I think I just died.

A+ for Steve Jackson. Yay!

[CHEERING]

[WHIMPERS]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[LAUGHS] Yah!

[ALL GASP]

-[OSCAR WHIMPERING]
-[GLASS SHATTERING]

[SCREAMS]

Huh?

[GROANS]

[CHEERING]

BEA: I love you, Steve!

I don't get it, Milo.

Why does Steve Jackson get to be
the guy who's amazing at everything?

How do ordinary guys like us
even stand a chance?

That is the question that all guys
are left pondering, Oscar...

What makes Steve Jackson
so perfect?

And how can we be more like him?

[LAUGHS] We've done research.

After months of gathering data,

we believe the key to Steve's perfection

lies within his hair.

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-[CAMERAS SNAPPING]

JUMBO: Steve Jackson's golden locks
shine bright

and move as though constantly caressed
by a gentle breeze.

[LAUGHS] That's me!

Interesting.

But hair itself isn't perfect.

Steve Jackson must be applying

some type of substance
to make this happen.

Like baloney.

So what does a cool dude
put in his hair to make him perfect?

Hey, guys.

ALL: [GASP]
Steve's secret-recipe hair gel!

[LAUGHING]

ANGELIC CHORUS: [SINGING]
Steve Jackson

I guess we just apply some to our heads.

-Who wants to go first?
-Me!

[LAUGHING]

-[ALL GASP]
-[ALBERT LAUGHS]

Wowie zowie!

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-[CAMERAS SNAPPING]

Milo, how do you feel?

I feel... I feel kind of perfect.

We should put it to the test.

FEMALE VOICE: [THROUGH HEADPHONES]
Bonjour. Souhaitez-vous un petit déjeuner?

Bonjour.

And then... a bunch of other words.
[SINGSONGS] Got it!

[SCREECHES TO A HALT]

-Milo?
-Oh, what's up, Bea?

Yeah, you know, I got
an amazing story to tell you.

Ha. Yeah, some robots tried
to steal my lunch today,

so I had to fight them off.

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-[CAMERAS SNAPPING]

Wow, Milo, your stories
are so interesting!

It's like I could listen
to you talk all day.

-Yeah, but I'm done now.
-Okay. See you later.

Hot dawg!

FEMALE VOICE:
Souhaitez-vous un petit déjeuner?

It worked! It actually worked!

-[JUMBO LAUGHING]
-She liked the hair! [GIGGLES]

-Guys!
-I can't believe it!

-Bea liked my story!
-We heard!

All right, let's gel up!

[ALL GIGGLING]

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-[CAMERAS SNAPPING]

Fellas, it's time to be perfect.

Did you get extra credit for that?
'Cause I was really...

[ALL GASP]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

-Wow.
-[FINBERLEY GASPS]

[CLATTERING]

Yeah, so, you know, like,
that's when the aliens

jumped down out of the clouds...

[LAUGHTER]

...and then they grabbed me,

and then magically a jet pack appeared
and I just flew away.

[LAUGHTER]

I always wondered what being perfect
would feel like, and now I know!

It's awesome!

It's like having seven birthdays in a row.

Uh, guys, I don't mean
to sound like a wet noodle,

but at the rate we're using
Steve's hair gel,

we're gonna run out by tomorrow morning.

What? [GASPS]

Hair jelly!

[SOBS] I can't go back to my old life.

Okay, okay. Okay, listen.

We can make it last
if we begin to ration it.

-Great idea, Oscar.
-Yes, sharing is important.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC CRESCENDOS]

Why are we all looking at each other?

-Yay, Oscar!
-All right, Oscar!

Très bien, Oscar.

Wow, Oscar, you're really
acing French lately.

Oh, uh... Merci beaucoup, Bea. [LAUGHS]

Yeah. So, do you wanna get together
and study for the big test tomorrow?

Oui!

Uh, I mean, yeah, sure.

Sounds cool.

Great. Bonjour, Oscar.

Wow! First perfect grades,
and now a study date with Bea!

Oh, magical hair gel,
is there anything you can't do?

[SCREAMS]

The gel's losing its hold.

But... but... but I've got
a study date tonight!

I... I guess I could use
a little more gel.

The other guys'll never know.

Plus, this is an emergency.

Plus... who am I even talking to?

I thought you were talking to me.

[GASPING]

Huh?

-Hurry up and open it!
-Thunder punch!

[GRUNTS]
Ow.

[GASPS]
Jumbo Shrimp, Albert,

you guys are trying to break
into my locker to take the gel.

I'm sorry, Oscar, but I have to.

I have a pudding date
with the Freshwater cheer squad.

That requires a substantial
amount of perfection,

and I am less than perfect.

Coach Salmons offered me
a dodgeball scholarship,

so I have to be perfect all season.

Yeah well, I need it way more
than you guys do.

-[SCREAMS, GRUNTS]
-M... Milo?

I need everyone
to keep listening to my stories!

-I have to be perfect tonight!
-Well, I need it more.

I need it more than more.

Plus, I have more hair than you guys do.

Oh yeah? [GRUNTS]
Now you don't.

[GASPS] Not precious Righty!

[ROARS]

-Hey!
-[GRUNTS]

Ouch!

Perfect hair!
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

OSCAR: My gel!

-[JUMBO LAUGHING]
-[MILO SCREAMING]

Give us back our hair, Jumbo!

Hmm. Wish I would have thought of that.

[LAUGHS]

-[GRUNTS]
-[OSCAR PANTING]

-[LAUGHS]
-[MILO SCREECHES]

Wow!

Milo, stop!

[ALL GASP]

Great, I look like a boy.

[GRUNTING AND ARGUING]

OSCAR: It's mine. It's mine, Milo!

Milo, Oscar!

Give it to me!

Give me my locks, Jumbo!

[LAUGHS]

What? It's... it's empty.

-STEVE: Uh, guys?
-[ALL GASP]

ALL: Steve Jackson!

Is that my hair gel?

Uh... Um...

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-[CAMERAS SNAPPING]

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

-[CROWD CHEERING]
-[CAMERAS SNAPPING]

Uh...

All right, Steve!

We just wanted to be perfect like you.

So we took your hair gel.

Then we used it all up.

[WAILS]

And now... we're sorry!

Guys, hair product
doesn't make a guy perfect.

Nobody's perfect.

The important thing is that you believe
in yourself and try your best.

Whether it's doing your best in school...

or at a sport...

or... various other things,

Just work hard,
and good things will happen.

Guys, Steve's right.

It wasn't awesome hair
making us do all that cool stuff.

-It was us.
-Fellows, I'm ashamed of how I acted.

-Me too!
-I'm sorry.

-All is forgiven.
-Ah, I love you guys!

All right, show's over, folks.

-Move it along.
-Cool.

Now who's up for a shake
at the Hokey Poke?

-Whoo! [LAUGHS]
-I'm having chocolate!

[JUMBO LAUGHS] Milk.

Dudes, what's up?

-[FLIES BUZZING]
-[BABY CRYING]

-Whoa.
-Not working.

Make it stop!

-[ALBERT SCREAMS]
-My eyes!

[SNAKE GASPS]
I wanna play a game, Mouse.

That's funny. I don't.

Come on! Guess what I'm thinking.

[GROANS] Fine!

Let's see, what do we got here?

-[CLOCK TICKING]
-[MUSIC PLAYING]

Cheese!

[GASPS]
You're like a psychic!