03x16 - Smartest Dog in the World/The Mysterious Machine

[bunniefuu]

-[Garfield snoring]
-[alarm rings]

[upbeat theme song playing]

-[Garfield] Hee!
-[remote clicks]

[whimsical music playing]

Six lizard noses,
two pinches of tarantula hair,

a spoonful of moldy peanut butter…

Oh. Oh. [laughs]

Hello. I'm Mrs. Cauldron,

your friendly neighborhood old lady,
who might be a witch.

Nevermore!

Quiet! I have a story to tell.

So, here it is.

And I'm not saying it's true,
but I'm not saying it isn't, either.

[laughing]

[broom whirring]

It happened one day as I was flying home

on my brand-new Class
vacuum cleaner with full options,

including parking sensors.

-[Odie snoring]
-[Garfield snickering]

[giggling] Oh, this'll be great.

This is the bungee cord Jon used
the one time he went bungee jumping.

Not a successful activity.

Odie! Wake up!

[whining]

You wanna fetch the stick?

[barking]

Then go fetch the stick!

[Odie barking]

[screaming]

[Odie screaming]

-[whistling sound]
-[crashing]

-[Odie groaning]
-[Garfield laughing]

I like Garfield,

but there are times
when he just goes too far.

[whimsical music playing]

Hello, Odie.

You know why Garfield can do things
like that to you, don't you?

[whining]

Because you're not that smart.

And if you were that smart,
you'd know that's the reason.

Ah!

Would you like to be smarter?
A lot smarter?

[barks, whining]

Okay. I'm not sure you'll like it,
but here goes.

[chuckles]

[whining]

[Mrs. Cauldron]
Odie always had a good heart.

But suddenly,
he had a good brain to go with it.

[chuckles] Oh, that was great.

I wonder why the bungee cord causes
someone to bounce around like that.

[in man's voice] It's due
to Newton's Third Law of Motion.

For every action,
there's an equal and opposite reaction.

-Interesting. Thanks, Odie.
-Don't mention it.

[yawning]

Newton's Third Law of Motion.

I should have known. What?

Odie! You said something.

Not only that, but it was something,
you know, like, intelligent.

Well, maybe I just never had
anything to say before.

[Mrs. Cauldron]
It was also a new experience for Odie,

being able to do things
he'd never done before.

There you go.
I changed the filter, tightened the belts,

and updated the software
on your global positioning system.

Well, thank you, Odie.
I do hope you enjoy being intelligent.

Of course. I can read and write
and solve problems and fix things…

Well, I just hope
you keep feeling that way.

[broom whirring]

Uh, one last thing, Odie.

You can't tell anyone
that I magically turned you into a genius,

or it will undo the spell.

You'll immediately become
like you were before.

I'm smart now. I'm not dumb enough
to let that happen.

Good. See you around.

[Odie] Thanks again!

[Mrs. Cauldron]
And for a while, at least,
I guess it was a good thing.

Oh. I don't have time to play.
I must get my taxes done. It's impossible.

[sighing] I need some coffee.
I'm going to be up all night.

Let's see, "Form …"
"Itemized deductions…"

What's he talking about? This is a breeze.

He never said anything before.

I've kicked him off the table , times.

He never said a word except "yowp"!

I'm going to be up all night
doing my taxes, Garfield.

[keyboard clacking]

Odie! What are you doing in my chair?

You did my taxes?

Yes, and I got you a refund.

He looks perfectly normal to me, Jon.

-Except he's suddenly become a genius.
-Huh?

I gave him an intelligence test
and, well, he's twice as smart as we are.

Twice as smart as either of us?

No, twice as smart
as you and I put together.

If you'll excuse me,
I have a sick cat that needs attention.

[gasping]

It appears you've been eating
too much mixed grill.

Try switching
to a low-sodium salmon cat food--

[Mrs. Cauldron]
Jon couldn't believe
how smart his dog was.

He shot videos of Odie
and put them on the Internet.

Before long, Odie was famous.

[reporter]
The smartest dog in the world.

That's what they're calling him
since his videos have had million hits.

My Odie?

[reporter]
On Monday,
he became the world champion at chess.

[gasping]

I can't believe it!
I just got checkmated by a dog!

[groaning]

[reporter]
On Tuesday,
he went on a game show.

Odie! For a small fortune,

when they built the Great Wall of China,
who was the foreman?

You've written, "Chin Lu How."

That is correct.
That's absolutely correct!

You win the small fortune!

[reporter]
Odie donated the entire
small fortune to a worthy charity.

I thought he was supposed to be smart.

And perhaps most impressive,
he figured out

how to set up one of those beach chairs
no one can ever figure out.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you!

Oh! I've been trying for years
to understand how to open that chair.

In just a few short days,

everyone around the world
has become excited about Odie.

This is your gossip reporter
Brandon Scoop signing off.

[grunts]

You're just jealous because Odie
is getting all this fame and attention.

Oh great. Now I have a smart mouse too.

[Mrs. Cauldron]
And someone inside
the world wasn't too happy either.

He was Emperor Glorm,

ruler of the kingdom
at the center of the Earth.

…for years to understand…

Emperor Glorm!

Do you think that dog
is really as smart as they say?

Smarter!

And that worries me,
my loyal sloth people.

[dramatic music playing]

That canine is smart enough to lead
the surface people to conquer us.

[all chattering]

Of course, if we captured him,

he could tell us how to conquer
the surface people.

[all cheering]

[people shouting]

[door lock clicking]

I'm sorry! My dog can't help you…

[Squeak] Everyone wants Odie
to solve their problems.

Odie? Do you think you can solve mine?

I'll try. What is it?

I have a lousy part in this episode.

[whimpering]

I think I can solve your problem
and my own by getting out of this house.

-Where you gonna go?
-I don't know.

Huh?

[Mrs. Cauldron]
So, Odie made a hasty exit,

leaving Garfield to deal
with the mobs of people outside.

I know how to handle this.

[Jon] Please, people, I'm telling you.
My dog can't solve all your problems.

No, but your cat can.

Yes, it's me, Garfield Cat!

I'm here to share my colossal brain
with you all. Ask me anything.

[man] I wanna talk to the dog.
I wanna talk to the dog.

I'm going to bed
until this episode is over.

[Mrs. Cauldron]
Meanwhile,
Odie was trying to figure out

the one thing he didn't know…

Why being so smart
was more trouble than being stupid.

Hey, Odie!

Can you tell me how to run
my comic book shop so I make more money?

Hey, Odie.

Can you tell me a good way
I can catch a dog, like, say, you?

Hey, Odie.

Will you do my homework for me?

[Mrs. Cauldron]
Everywhere he went,
somebody wanted something.

But finally, he was alone…

[sighing]

…or so he thought.

[rumbling]

[dramatic music playing]

Hey! Let me go! Unhand me!

[Glorm] So…

this is the smartest dog in the world.

[grunts]

Well, smart dog,

I trust you're smart enough
to know your survival

depends on you helping me
to conquer the surface world.

Why me? What do you want with me?

You have knowledge.
Knowledge is power, and I want power.

Tell me, dog.
How did you get to be so smart?

[Mrs. Cauldron]
Odie tried to think,

but all he could think about
was how life was so much easier

before he got to be so smart.

And then
he remembered something he'd heard.

You can't tell anyone
that I magically turned you into a genius,

or it will undo the spell.

You'll immediately become
like you were before.

I said, "How did you get to be so smart?"

Well, a little old witch
named Mrs. Cauldron cast a spell on me.

[grunting]

[Odie barks]

This… this is the smartest creature
on this planet?

Use the Cerebral Gauge.
Measure his brainpower.

[whirring]

No discernible intelligence.

[groans] We might as well return
to our world below.

[Mrs. Cauldron]
That's really all there is
to the story, I guess.

[whining]

Hey, Odie!
Can you answer a question for me?

[whining, panting]

[Mrs. Cauldron]
He went home dumb but happy…

and he stayed that way.

-[Odie licking]
-[screaming]

[barking]

[Jon giggling]

[barking]

[Jon laughing]

-Huh?
-So here it is.

And I'm not saying it's true,
but I'm not saying it isn't either.

And best of all, I got my show back!

Trouble.

[whimsical music playing]

[cheerful music playing]

[whining]

Hmm. [groaning]

[yelling] No! I will not throw the stick
so you can fetch it!

[whining]

[muffled barking]

Oh. I should have warned you, Odie.
Garfield's in a bad mood today.

Well, worse than usual.

[muffled whining]

Oh! For one thing, it's Monday.

There's nothing that scares Garfield
more than a Monday.

[snoring]

Please don't let today be Monday.
Please don't let today be Monday.

Please, please, please
don't let today be Monday.

[screaming]

[action music playing]

And what followed was bad,
even by Monday standards.

[Jon]
He had something planned,
some new way to torment the mailman.

He'd been looking forward to it
all morning.

-[approaching motor whirring]
-[gasps]

[Jon]
But then, when the mailman arrived…

Herman the Mailman had come up
with a Garfield-proof method.

[gasps]

[dramatic music playing]

[Herman] You won't get me this time, cat.

[Jon]
The mail got delivered,
and there was nothing he could do.

[moaning]

[Jon]
Then, things got worse.

He went to Vito's for pizza.

No! No more pizzas for you!

Not until I am paid
the last , you have eaten here.

[Jon]
And when he got back,
he got maybe the worst news of all.

-[gasps]
-[Jon]
Nermal had come for a visit…

a long visit.

[screaming]

[Jon]
And now, here comes the worst part.

I have to tell him he's gaining weight,
and I'm putting him on a diet.

I know. If you think
those other things upset him,

wait till you see his reaction
to this news. But it has to be done.

So I know you won't like it,

but I'm putting you on a strict diet
and that's final.

Please don't hurt me.

[quivering]

[intriguing music playing]

Oh.

[Jon sighing]

[rattling]

[sawing]

[hammering]

[drill whirring]

I don't know what he's doing.

He brought some junk from the city dump,

and he's been in the garage
for an hour building something.

He just-- Oh wait.

[motor revving]

[air hissing]

[dramatic music playing]

[Odie whining]

He's built
some sort of invention or something.

I have no idea what it does,
and I'm worried.

[yawning]

[ominous music playing]

Garfield has some sort of machine there.

I wonder what it does.

Whatever it is, it can't be good for me.

Oh, pussycat…
What is that machine he has there?

What could it possibly do?
I have a very bad feeling about this.

Uh-oh. What is that thing?

Why am I not gonna like what it does?

Hmm. That machine of his,

it's gotta have something
to do with my new tank.

Some way of tormenting me in spite of it.

I can only imagine what he's gonna do
next time I show up in the tank.

[dramatic music playing]

[chuckles, fingers snap]

[tank motor whirring]

[motor whirring]

Oh no! The most powerful
electromagnet in the world!

I've gotta get out of here!

[dramatic music playing]

[screaming]

No!

[giggling]

Stop! Put me down! Help!

[screaming]

[laughing]

That machine of his!

If it can do that,

it's the most fiendish contraption
he's ever devised.

I have to stop him
before he uses it on me!

[man] Vito! Where's that pizza we ordered?

Uh, coming right up, signore.

Hmm. What could that machine possibly do?

I have learned
to never underestimate that pussycat.

Maybe… maybe it will make the pizza,
and not just any pizza,

but pizza up to the Garfield standards.

[giggling]

[machine]
Hello. What kind of pizza
would you like to make today?

Thin crust or thick?

What do I wanna do today? Let's see…

[machine]
You have selected thin crust.
Would you like small, medium, or large?

You have selected
extra-extra super jumbo large.

-Would you like extra cheese?
-Yes.

-Extra sauce?
-Yes.

-Pepperoni?
-Yes.

-Sausage?
-Yes.

-Anchovies?
-No.

-Meatballs?
-Yes.

-A side of pasta?
-Yes.

-A side of cheeseburgers?
-Yes.

-Some Chinese food?
-Yes.

Thank you.
Your pizza will be ready in seconds.

No. That takes too long.

Oh man! I gotta speed this thing up.

[Garfield giggling]

[machine]
Cooking pizza at , degrees.

Your pizza is done.

The greatest scientific breakthrough
of this or any other century.

I… I am unnecessary.

And I'm coming to you live
from the hottest new pizzeria in town.

It's called Garfield's.

People have been coming from around
the world for Garfield's pizza.

Some, it is said, have been waiting
in line since early August.

In two words…

dee licious!

This is the best pizza ever made anywhere!

[chattering]

[Vito] Please!
You come in and have the slice!

[crying] I am ruined.

I haven't sold a pizza
since Garfield went into business.

Now, I am out of business.

[man] Out of my way!
I have to get to Garfield's!

-[crowd shouting]
-[Vito] No, no! Stop! Please! No!

[gasps]

It was just my imagination!
But it could happen.

I must make certain it does not happen!

I'm really worried, Odie.

You got to tell me
what Garfield's machine does.

[whining]

But then… what can he do to me?

Mail me to Abu Dhabi?

He's already done that to me times.

-[whining]
-Oh, right! .

But what if
he doesn't send me to Abu Dhabi?

What if he sends me to…
someplace worse than that?

Don't do this, Garfield!

Whatever it is
you're gonna do, don't do it!

Will you please calm down?
You'll like Alpha Centauri.

Alpha Centauri?
You're gonna put me in a rocket?

Well, how else am I gonna get you there?

Oh no! No, no, no!

I'm the cutest kitten in this world,
and I wanna stay in this world!

-[Nermal screaming]
-[crashing]

I didn't wanna have to do this
the hard way, but he's forced me.

Here we go. Walk.

[thudding, clanking]

[screaming]

Hey! Watch where you're walkin'!

[crashing]

[Nermal chuckles]

He'll never find me in here.

[giggling]

You wouldn't dare sh**t me
into outer space, Garfield.

Oh, I wouldn't, would I? Well, watch this.

[cackling]

[Garfield] Ten, nine,

eight, seven…

[sighing]
I can't wait that long. Blast off!

[dramatic music playing]

[Nermal screaming]

[screaming]

[Odie whimpering]

[whining]

I can't explain now, Odie.

I have to stop Garfield
from sending me into outer space!

-[Garfield sighing]
-[Nermal grunting]

I'm leaving, Garfield.

-I'm leaving.
-Hmm?

[Garfield] Oh, I like the sound of that.

I'm not staying for months.
I'm gonna go home. Buh-bye!

Wow, he left fast.

I got rid of the tank, Garfield.
You don't have to use this machine on me.

You don't even have to fling me
into the mud hole.

Look. I'll do it for ya.

See? [laughing]

How I love to wind up in a good mud hole.

[humming a melody]

[snickering]

Huh?

Garfield! [chuckling]

Vito is so sorry he kicked you out
of his ristorante this morning.

Here, have pizzas.
Lots and lots of pizzas.

Just don't start making them yourself.
Okay? Please!

Garfield! I was worried
about what your machine here--

I mean, I was worried about your health,

and I was thinking
maybe you don't need to diet.

[chuckles]
And I see you came to the same conclusion.

Okay. Pay no attention to what I said.

I never do.

[whining]

Huh? What's that, boy?

You wanna know
what my machine really does?

[barks]

This machine does the same thing
I'm gonna do for the rest of the day…

absolutely nothing.

Mmm.

You know,
I could even get to like Mondays.

[upbeat theme music playing]