03x14 -The Garfield-Only Show/ Every Witch Way

[bunniefuu]

-[Garfield snoring]
-[alarm rings]

[upbeat theme song playing]

-[Garfield] Hee!
-[remote clicks]

[whimsical music playing]

[Garfield] Okay, leave!
Go find another show to be on.

I don't need you. I don't need any of you.

[man] Well, that's it for me.
I tell you what, the benefits here stink.

Hmm. I don't care.
You think I care? Well, I don't care. See?

But you'll all be in big trouble

because I'm gonna report you all
to Jim Davis.

The nerve of those people.

"Could we have some dialogue
from time to time, please?"

Don't they know whose show this is?
Whose name is in the title?

Does it say
The Eddie Gourmand Show
at the beginning?

I don't think so.

[gasps]

Hello? Anybody here?

Stage manager? Director? Writers? Hello?

Everybody's deserting me today.

There isn't even any background music.

Oh.

Well, at least they left me
a script for this week.

[cheerful music playing]

"The Big Discovery."

Eh, already I don't like it.

Note to self,
"Remember to fire the writers."

Okay, let's see here. Fade in.
Exterior, Arbuckle House, day.

Jon doing something… New character.

Eh, I'm sick of new characters.

When do I get to be on my show?

Oh, here I am.

"We find Garfield curled up in bed,
sound asleep."

[laughs] First good idea they've had.

[yawning] Maybe a short dream sequence
will help.

[snoring]

I don't need…
I can do this show all by myself.

[snorts]

I could play all the parts.

[snoring]

I don't need those guys.
I don't need anyone.

[snoring]

[whining]

[whining]

No, I will not fetch the stick.

[whimpering]

Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.

[chuckles] Can you believe we paid someone
to write that?

Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.

There is absolutely nothing in this world
that could get me out of bed today.

[imitating Jon] Oh, Garfield.
I'm going out for a while.

My nieces Drusilla and Minerva
are coming by for a visit.

Arf, arf.

Nothing in this world,
not even Jon's nieces.

[screaming]

Jon's nieces!

[screaming]

[gasps] I gotta get out of here.

[panting]

Uncle Jon! Uncle Jon!

[screaming]

I don't think he's here, Minerva.

I keep telling you.
I'm Drusilla. You're Minerva.

Oh, right.
And we're here to play with the…

[floor creaking]

…kitty cat!

We're gonna play with the kitty cat!
We're gonna play with the kitty cat!

Please stay away from the kitty cat!
Please stay away from the kitty cat!

-Kitty cat! Kitty cat! Kitty cat!
-[Garfield gasping]

[panting]

Those won't keep them out.

I need something large
to barricade the door.

Bed.

[straining] This refrigerator.

[Garfield grunting]

-Elephant.
-[elephant trumpeting]

[thudding]

[sighing]

Kitty cat!

[screaming]

You don't understand, Agnes.

This cat does terrible things to me.

Ow!

Well, for instance,

he just dropped a bed on me.

And a refrigerator.

[elephant trumpeting]

And, of course, an elephant.

[gasping]

Do me a favor.

There are two little girls chasing me.
Distract them while I get away.

-Will you do that for me?
-[trumpeting]

[dance music playing]

Elephant!

[trumpeting]

Let's style his trunk!

We need to moisturize him!

Agnes? I'm coming home.

This episode's starting
to get a little bit silly.

[gasps]

I think I did it.
I think I got away from 'em.

[sighing]

I must have. I'm not in ladies' clothing.

I'm safe.

-Hi, Garfield.
-[gasps]

Oh, I'm not safe. Nermal.

That's right. It's me, Nermal.

The cutest kitten
on this or any other planet.

I think dropped the elephant
on the wrong person.

-[thudding footsteps]
-[trumpeting]

Sorry.

Do you have a reason
for being here, Nermal?

Or did you just came by
to tell me how cute you are?

I just came by to tell you how cute I am.

Okay. At least he's being honest.

Excuse me, but I'm a very important,
powerful agent from Hollywood.

I just saw you standing here,
and I couldn't help but notice

how incredibly handsome
and adorable you are.

Naturally.

No, not you. I meant the other one.

I've never seen
a handsomer face than that.

You're beautiful.

-Ah, you're beautiful.
-No, you're beautiful.

No, no. I'm beautiful.
Take a look at this.

No, I don't think so.

Would you mind if I made you
a fabulously rich and famous TV star?

Well, as long as I'm home
in time for dinner.

Not a problem.

We need a truly beautiful animal
for a new commercial.

We'll be doing a screen test,
and if you're the one,

you'll be fabulously rich and famous.

It's not fair! It's not fair, I tell you!

Uh, uh… Put me on TV! Put this face on TV!

I have to get that screen test for myself
and beat Garfield out

to become fabulously rich and famous.

[tires screeching]

Okay, so, what do I do?

Well, just do what you do best.

Fine. Eating or sleeping?

I have to go scout more talent,
but the director will take care of you.

And remember, you're beautiful, baby.

-No, you're beautiful.
-No, you're beautiful.

Okay, have it your way. I'm beautiful.

[tense music playing]

Ah, what do I do now? Mr. Director?

[Garfield as director]
Here I am, Garfield.

Now, we'd just like to see you
do a little dance for us.

Oh, sure. Um, how's this?

[whimsical music playing]

[Garfield as agent]
Fine. Now, turn around.

Oh, if he gets this job,
I won't be able to stand it!

I have to do something.

[Garfield as director]
Good.

Now, for the next part
of your screen test…

He's done.
Now it's time for my screen test.

Put the camera on me.
Let it show how awesome I am.

-Nermal, this is my screen test.
-[crashing]

[Garfield as agent]
I think we have
what we need on you, Garfield.

We'll test this cat now.

Okay.

[giggles]

-What's your name?
-Nermal Cat. Star of tomorrow.

Give me a second, Nermal.

I'll be right back.

My awesomeness and I will be waiting,
Mr. Director Person.

[giggling]

All right, Nermal…

[Garfield]
I want you to do everything I say.

Okay, ready.

Lift your left foot. Lift your right foot.

Fall down and go boom.

Get up. Stand on your head.

Stand on your feet. Quack like a duck.

Ah! Quack, quack!

Eat a pint of yogurt.

Boogie till you drop.

Do a push-up.

-[panting]
-Collapse from exhaustion.

[laughing] That's great! Great, Nermal.
[laughing]

You tricked me, Garfield.
Well, I don't care.

I'm gonna get this job.

No, you're not.

I'm gonna be fabulously rich and famous,
and I'm gonna get this job.

[teeth chattering]

I'm a lot more adorable than you are
and more talented,

and I'm cuter in every way,
and everyone says so.

You're not as awesome
as you think you are.

I'm gonna mail you to Abu Dhabi again,
you annoying cat.

[Garfield as agent] Hey, guys! Guys!

You gotta stop arguing.

Which one of us gets the job?

Neither one of you.

I found an animal more adorable
than both of you put together.

[elephant trumpeting]

Show them what you can do, Jumbo!

[trumpeting]

I'm gonna make that elephant
fabulously rich and famous.

-So, what do you think?
-I think we need to learn that.

Right. And a one and a two…

Whoa. What a dream sequence.

And I really liked the cast.

[gasps] That's the answer.
I really don't need anybody else.

I'll play all the roles from now on.
Maybe I can even play the elephant's part.

First, I'll play myself.
That's not much of a stretch.

Snore, snore, snore. Then I'll play Odie.

[panting, barking]

And then, Jon… I'll play Jon!

Garfield, I want you to behave yourself.

This is how I behave.

If you don't behave, no lasagna for you.

You can't mean it.

I do mean it.

And I can play Vito too.

[in Italian accent] Ah, Signor Arbuckle.

I have the nice, hot pizza
for your pussycat.

Ah! Smells great. What's on it?

[in Italian accent]
It's what you asked for,

a Vito special with the anchovies.

Anchovies? I didn't want anchovies.

[in Italian accent]
You asked for the anchovies.

No, I did not.

[in Italian accent] Yes, you did.

-No, I did not.
-[in Italian accent] Yes, you did.

-Didn't.
-Did.

-Didn't.
-Did.

-Didn't. Didn't.
-Did.

Did.

I can't do this.
I can't do this all by myself.

Too many no's and yes's and stuff!
I need others on my show.

I need Odie.

[whining]

Yes, I need you, Odie.

[barks]

Yes. And I need you, Jon.

We all decided to come back, Garfield.

-[twins] Kitty cat!
-And I need you. And I need you.

[meows]

No, not you.

[raspberry]

But I really need you.
Without the anchovies.

[gasps, sighs]

No anchovies.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Listen, everyone. I've learned my lesson.

I'll give you all lines on the show.
I'll share the spotlight.

I'll even see about paying some of you.
Can you ever forgive me?

[all chattering]

Thank you so much.

Hey, Garfield,
how about sharing that pizza with us?

[all chattering]

Are you out of your minds?

[all groaning]

[whimsical music playing]

[cheerful music playing]

[Odie whining]

[sighs] I'm sorry, Odie.
I don't have time to play right now.

I'm making dinner tonight for Liz.

-[Odie whining]
-It's her birthday.

I have to make it real special.

She's always complaining we never do
anything special on her birthday.

I prepared a dish of carrot
and celery sticks.

[gasps] It was right here on the counter
and now it's not here.

[sniffing]

Aha!

Celery stick?

Garfield!

You could have a carrot stick…
if you prefer.

I'm trying to make a nice dinner
for Liz's birthday!

[whining]

[whimsical music playing]

I have such interesting people
living near me, Winona.

That house over there,

well, it belongs to a man
named Jon Arbuckle.

Or as the neighbors call him,
"The guy with the cat."

[gasps] What does he do?

[panting]

And the sweet potato pie is supposed
to be for six people, not one cat.

Oh! Well, he does a lot of that.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Cauldron.
Have you seen Garfield?

Please don't tell him where I am.
Please don't tell him where I am.

Why, uh, no, I haven't.

Yay, Mrs. Cauldron.

Ahem.

Mr. Arbuckle,
I want you to meet my niece Winona.

She's staying with me for the summer.

Nice to meet you, Winona.

[giggling]

Such a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Arbuckle.

Oh, call me Jon.
I'm sorry I can't chat. I'm making dinner.

Oh. We understand.

Goodbye, Mr. Ar-- I mean, Jon!

[Mrs. Cauldron]
I don't blame you, Garfield.

I like sweet potato pie, myself.

[giggling] Oh, come on, Winona.

[Odie whining]

That's Mrs. Cauldron.
You remember her from last season?

She was that lady
I thought might be a witch.

[whining]

Why? I don't know.
There's something about her voice.

It reminds me of every witch
I've ever seen in a cartoon.

[owl hooting]

[Mrs. Cauldron]
Now, when you make your potions,

heat them over a fire.

Don't try microwaving them.
It doesn't work.

These kids today…

Winona! Are you paying attention?

Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking
about Mr. Arbuckle…

[chuckling] You liked him, eh?

Oh, I more than like him, Auntie.

He's the man I'm going to marry.

Right.

Yes. He's going to be my husband.

[crow] Nevermore!

At least pay attention.

You'll never be a full-fledged witch
unless you learn your enchantments.

I'm going to go take a little beauty nap.
Now you study your potions while I sleep.

[scoffs] I will, Auntie.

May I look
into the Brazier of All-Seeing Wisdom?

[giggling] Oh, sure.

It's a lot cheaper than cable TV.

Just don't touch my book of spells
or my broom.

[ominous music playing]

I want to see my beloved, Jon Arbuckle.

I made your favorite, Liz,
because I know you love it.

Oh, Jon, you're always so wonderful to me.

Oh, nothing's too good
for my favorite lady.

She can't have him. He's mine!

And he is going to be mine!

Nevermore!

I will go and sweep him off
to the Tower of Witchery

and marry him this night!

Nevermore!

You stupid raven!

Don't you ever say
anything besides "nevermore"?

Nevermore!

I'm not supposed to borrow
Auntie's broom and book of spells,

but this is an emergency!

[cackling]

[coughing]
I have to learn how to do that laugh.

[dramatic music playing]

[Jon] Come on, guys.
Let's bring in the birthday cake.

Who are you?

I'm the future Mrs. Jon Arbuckle.

What? [spluttering] I don't-- I--

You think he'll marry you, but he won't.

You know why? Because you're a mouse!

A mouse?

Yeah, hold on.
Okay, moose, molehill, mountain…

Mouse… Mouse… Okay, here it is. Mouse.

Oh my goodness!

Happy birthday, Liz! Make a wish.

Where's Liz? And who are you?

Don't you remember me, Jon? Winona.

Oh, Liz isn't here, and anyway,
she's a mouse now.

So I'll make a wish. [blows]

See? I get my wish,
and my wish is that you'll marry me.

Go for it. It could be your only chance.

Now wait a minute, lady.

I'm taking you to the Tower of Witchery
for the ceremony.

And since you're too big
to fit on my broom with me…

Jon!

[cuckoo sound]

Now, as for you two…

-[Garfield] Run, Odie!
-[electrical crackling]

This can't be happening.

-[gasps] A mouse!
-What are you? A zebra?

I'm not a mouse.

At least, I wasn't five minutes ago.

Well, this is gonna take some explaining.

[Jon] Let me go!

Don't fight it, Jon. It was meant to be.

And now it's off to the Tower of Witchery
so we can be wed!

[screaming]

[Odie whining]

Of course I have a brilliant plan
to rescue Jon.

-I just don't know what it is yet.
-[Squeak] Try talking to the lady.

Garfield? Can you talk?

To other animals,
which I'm afraid includes you now, Liz.

How are we gonna defeat
an all-powerful witch?

She may not be all-powerful.
She said she's learning.

She borrowed her aunt's broom
and book of spells.

And I'll bet her aunt
doesn't know anything about it. Come on.

[action music playing]

You'll have to talk to her, Liz.

What am I gonna say?

Just tell her
that her niece stole her stuff,

and ask her if she really wants
a cartoonist in the family.

I told her not to touch my book of spells.

And my broom, as well.

We have to stop her from marrying Jon.

I'll say.
I don't want a cartoonist in my family.

Nevermore!

That bad niece of mine took my broom,

so I'll have to use my vacuum cleaner.

Who's coming with me?

-Me.
-[whining]

I'm going.

I think I'll walk home.

I get airsick.
Especially flying on household appliances.

[Garfield[] Hmm.

[laughing]

[vacuum whirring]

We'd better hurry.

They marry people fast
at the Tower of Witchery.

[cackling]

Good luck! You'll need it.

So that's all you do all day?
Sit around and say "nevermore"?

It's all I could get.

I have trouble learning my lines.

[squawk]

[cackling]

[thunder rumbling]

[cackling]

I would be proud to conduct
a wedding ceremony, Winona…

but whom do you wish to marry?

Him.

Oh. Very cute. And practical.

Your groom is just the right size
to fit atop the wedding cake.

Uh, may I say one word?

Is it a good word?

It's an excellent word,
and it's very appropriate.

Very well, then. Say your word.

Help!

There it is! That's the Tower of Witchery.

But I just realized
we may have a tiny problem.

[Liz] What is it?

[Mrs. Cauldron] This vacuum cleaner
has a thousand-mile power cord,

and the Tower of Witchery is , miles

and six inches from my home.

[all] Uh-oh.

[all screaming]

[Liz] What are we gonna do?

[thunder rumbling]

If anyone objects to this man and witch
being joined in the magic of matrimony,

let this person speak now.

Would it do any good for me to object?

No. Now, then…

[Garfield] Stop this ceremony!

[gasping]

We're here to save this man
from marrying that witch

he doesn't wanna marry.

[gasps, screaming]

Ah.

We seem to have intruders.

Ladies, what's it going to be?

Insects, statues, or frogs?

Frogs!

[all shouting]

Very well. The frogs have it.

[zapping]

Oh, don't complain!

I could have changed you
into a moose and squirrel.

[Garfield] Okay, so we're frogs.
[ribbiting]

At least Odie has the tongue for it.
[ribbiting]

Uh, hello? Could we just get on
with my marriage, please?

Indeed. If anyone objects--

-[Mrs. Cauldron] I object.
-[all gasping]

I object to this ceremony.

My niece is not yet a full-fledged witch.

Not? But she has broom and book of spells.

Um…

I stole them from my aunt.

[gasping]

[woman] She cannot be wed here
if she is not a full-fledged witch.

Drop a house on her!

Quiet! We don't do that anymore.

I'm really sorry, Aunt.
I don't know what came over me.

I just thought he was so cute.

Well, we'll talk about that, dear.

Plus, I want to get your eyes checked.

Excuse me.

Could you do something about,
you know, this?

[Garfield] Yeah, could you… [ribbiting]
…possibly turn us…

[ribbiting] …back into ourselves?

Oh. [laughs]

I can do better than that.

I can put everything back the way it was
and wipe your memories

so you'll have no recollection
of any of this.

Sim-sala-bim!

Make a wish, Liz,
and blow out the candles.

Here goes…

[blowing]

Odie, do you have the feeling
that something just…

I mean, kind of…

-[whining]
-Hmm.

Eh, never mind.

So, what did you wish for?

I wished that just once,

something really interesting
would happen on my birthday.

Be careful what you wish for, Liz.

Hey… [chuckles] …we weren't all there
to have our memories wiped out.

[upbeat theme music playing]