03x02 - Furry Tales

[bunniefuu]

-[Garfield snoring]
-[alarm rings]

[upbeat theme music playing]

-[Garfield] Hee!
-[remote clicks]

[whimsical music playing]

[joyful music playing]

Well, the picnic basket's all packed.

Now, where again
is this forest we're going to?

I have a map. It's a remote area.

Nobody ever takes care
of the animals up there or feeds them.

[chuckles]
You love feeding animals, don't you?

Ha! Look who's talking.

Speaking of which, where are--

Oh, Odie's watching a fairy tale on TV,
and Garfield's upstairs asleep.

-[whining]
-[TV playing indistinctly]

He should be waking up any minute now.

[snoring]

[yawning]

What a strange dream.

I was eating linguini and clams.

Usually, on Tuesdays,
I dream about eating fettuccine and clams.

[gasps] Let's see what time it is.

-[alarm blaring]
-Oh no! I'm missing my favorite show!

[whimpering]

[TV]
…and searched the kingdom
to find his true love.

[crash]

[whimpers]

Thanks, Odie.
I almost missed Eddie Gourmand.

Huh? [whimpers]

Today, he's gonna take a look
at spaghetti and meatballs.

Aww.

Welcome to my show, people!
Welcome, welcome, welcome.

On today's show, we're going to look
at spaghetti and meatballs!

[slurping]

[Garfield drooling]

Ooh.

Isn't this wonderful?

This is the best show on television,
apart from mine, of course.

[Odie whining]

[Garfield] I've gained three pounds
just watching it so far.

[Odie whimpering]

Odie, you'd rather watch some fairy tale
than look at spaghetti and meatballs?

Uh-huh.

-Sheesh.
-[Odie whining]

[Eddie]
For the benefit of those of you
who just joined us,

we'll be looking at this plate
of spaghetti and meatballs

for an entire hour!

[laughing]

Oh, and tomorrow is Chinese food day.

We'll be looking at moo goo gai pan,

-shrimp in oyster sauce…
-[yawns]

…chicken chow mein--

[woman on TV]
…he had finally found…

Fairy tales are silly.

-I could make up a better story than this.
-…
they lived happily ever after.

-[Odie whining]
-[Garfield sighing]

Liz and I are leaving. [grunts]

We'll be back late. Enjoy yourself, guys!

We will.

And don't get into any trouble.

We will.

[Odie whimpering]

You want me to read you a fairy tale?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I have important things to do.
Naps. More naps. Naps during other naps.

[Odie whining]

[whimpering]

[whimpering continues]

Huh? [sighs]

[Odie whimpering]

-Oh, okay. Wait here a moment.
-Hmm? [yipping]

[Jon grunting, straining]

[groans]

[chuckling]

Oh!

-[rattling]
-[crash]

Ah, ham and cheese on sourdough
with brown mustard…

[Jon strains]

[Jon grunts]

That picnic basket looked heavy.

It seemed lighter just now.

About the weight of a ham and cheese
on sourdough with brown mustard.

[engine revving]

[tires squealing]

Hmm.

Ah. This one will do.

-[Garfield gasps]
-[Odie giggles]

Huh? What?

All right. Let's see.

"Once upon a time…"

I've read this story.

[whining]

Hey, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Okay. "Once upon a time,
there was an extremely handsome cat…"

-You wanna know how handsome this cat was?
-Uh-huh.

That handsome.

[lively music playing]

♪ Who is the cat who people celebrate? ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ It's me ♪

♪ Who is the one they all appreciate? ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ Yes, me ♪

♪ Who is the slyest? ♪

♪ Who's on the rise? ♪

♪ As you can see, me ♪

♪ Still me ♪

♪ Who is the highest? ♪

♪ Who takes the prize? ♪

♪ Me
Not you ♪

♪ Who wins the test above the rest? ♪

♪ By now you've guessed ♪

♪ You're impressed, and I'm so blessed ♪

♪ I must suggest it's me ♪

♪ The very best is me… ♪

[medieval music playing]

[Garfield]
"He lived a quiet
but happy life within the castle.

Sometimes he would eat."

[munching]

"And sometimes he would sleep.

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

And sometimes he would eat and sleep."

[snoring, munching]

[vacuum noise]

[Odie] Huh?

-Saves time.
-[Odie whines]

"The magnificent cat's life was good.
Except for three problems."

[bird chirping]

[Garfield]
"One was an extremely dim-witted dog

that was always asking him
to throw a stick so it could be fetched."

[whining]

[Odie] Hmm?

That's what it says here.
You think I'm just making this up?

[whining]

[Garfield chuckles]

-Fine. Let's move on. Where was I?
-[lively music playing]

[Garfield]
Oh, yes.

"Asking him to throw a stick
so it could be fetched."

-[Odie whining]
-[Garfield sighing]

[barks]

All right. All right.
Just to be rid of you.

[clang]

[Odie barking]

[panting]

For those of you who don't know,

this is called a catapult.

Catapult is an ancient weapon
invented by Greek soldiers

to hurl boulders at their enemies.

[whining]

But it's even handier for this.

[Odie barking]

[Garfield chuckles]

See you sometime around Halloween!

[Garfield]
So the dog with the long tongue
was one of his problems.

-Another was the prince's twin nieces.
-[Odie whimpering]

[both] There he is! There's the kitty cat!

Oh no!

-[twin ] Wait, kitty cat!
-[twin ] We wanna play with you!

[both] Stop! Kitty cat! Where are you?

We have designer gowns for you!
Let's have a fitting!

-[twin ] Let's give him a bath!
-[twin ] Two baths!

-[twin ] Wash his ears!
-[twin ] Scrub his tail!

-[twin ] Clean his eyes!
-[Garfield] No! No! Ah!

[twins]
There he is! There's the kitty cat!

[whimpering] I am so doomed.

[both] Let's play dress-up!

-Let's do his eyebrows!
-No! Don't! Stop! Call the palace guard!

Call the royal babysitter!
Call the fashion police!

Help!

-He'll smell so sweet!
-He'll look gorgeous.

The worst part is
I didn't even look good in this color.

-[Odie giggling] Oh!
-[Garfield groaning]

"And the cat's third problem
was his master's problem.

Prince Jon had to find a bride,

and he needed one soon."

But I do not want to marry any of
the women at the royal ball last night.

Look, I'm just the royal food taster
around here, but I know this:

Royal law says that if you don't marry
by your st birthday,

the next in line becomes king.

[sighs]

And you know who the next in line is.

Huh?

[Garfield]
"Next in line was the royal viceroy.

And he was not a nice man at all."

All right. Attention, peasants.

When I take charge,
I'll be instituting some new taxes.

-[crowd gasps]
-Let's see…

"Tax on inhaling, tax on exhaling,

tax on holding your breath,
tax on not breathing at all."

I protest these taxes!

Tax on protesting these taxes.

[crowd gasps]

"A tax on tying your shoes,

a tax on wearing loafers…"

[woman] What if we go barefoot?

Uh, a tax on going barefoot. Thank you.

All right. "A tax on thumbtacks,

a tax on putting ketchup
on a cheese sandwich…"

[Jon sighs]

His greed will destroy this kingdom.
[grunts]

Which is why
you need to find a bride and soon!

Like, tomorrow.

[sighing]

Then marry, I shall!

Even if I have to marry the next woman
who walks through that door.

[Eddie gasps] Oh!

Huh?

Well, maybe I could keep looking
for a little longer.

He doesn't look good in that color.

[Garfield]
"He had been dining
with every available maiden in the kingdom

and was down to the last three."

People say you gotta help humanity.

I say, "What has humanity
ever done for me?"

-[slurps] Strike one.
-[bell chimes]

[woman] Me, me. Me, me, me.
Me, me, me, me, me, me.

Me. Me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me.

Me and only me.

Must you speak all evening about yourself?

You are right, Prince Jon.
Let us speak about you now.

What do you think of me?

-[thud]
-Strike two!

-[bell chimes]
-[laughing]

[woman munching, slurping]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

I'd like to get to know you.

[sighs]

-Strike three!
-[bell chiming]

She's out!

Boy, can you imagine
trying to live with someone like that?

[munching]

[Garfield]
"It was then
that the not-so-smart dog

got back with the stick."

Oh, hi. Well, it looks like the prince
will never find a bride.

[Odie whimpers]

The evil viceroy will be our new king.

Bad for the kingdom,
but I don't care that much.

Nothing that evil, power-mad guy does
will affect me.

[Odie whimpers]

"A tax on watching cartoon shows,

a tax on blinking,
a tax on dancing with a monkey."

See? That doesn't affect me.

"A tax on vigorous exercise."

See? That really doesn't affect me.

"A tax on eating pasta, tomato sauce,

or anything that contains cheese."

See? None of these things affect me.

[gasps] A tax on pasta?
No, no, no, no! Unfair!

Tax brussels sprouts! Tax health food!

Tax anything with yogurt in it!
Just don't tax lasagna!

Pup, we have to stop that man!
We have to help Prince Jon find a wife!

[yips]

"So the brilliant cat
and the not-brilliant dog

were determined to--"

Oh wait. Time for a burrito break.
Wait here.

Hmm?

And don't you go anywhere, either.
I'll be back in one burrito.

[whimpering]

[lively music playing]

[whimsical music playing]

[medieval music playing]

"Once upon a time,

Prince Jon had to find a bride,
and he needed one soon.
"

If you don't marry by your st birthday,

the next in line becomes king. [groans]

[Garfield]
"Next in line was the royal viceroy.

And he was not a nice man."

Pup, we have to stop that man!

We have to help Prince Jon find a wife!

[cheerful music]

[Odie whining]

[munching]

Mmm. [licks fingers]

Good burrito.

[Odie whining]

Hope you had something tasty
while I was gone.

Now, where were we?

"Add one cup of flour to eggs
and whisk thoroughly through until smooth.

Add heavy cream…" [gasps]

[laughs]

[snarls]

Huh? Oops, sorry. Wrong book.

-[Odie whimpering]
-Huh?

[whimpering]

Although that one was getting
pretty interesting. Now then.

"So the brilliant cat
and the not-brilliant dog

were determined to help Prince Jon marry
so he could be king.

But time was running out
for him to find a bride.
"

I have dreamed for a mate
who cared about life and beauty

and the world around her.

And me. Me would be nice.

You didn't find anyone you could marry?

[somber music playing]

♪ Year after year ♪

♪ I spend my days alone ♪

♪ No one comes near ♪

♪ I'm always on my own ♪

♪ The only life I've known ♪

♪ Dreaming every night ♪

♪ I'll find Princess Right ♪

♪ A woman who'll demand me ♪

♪ Who'll love and understand me ♪

[birds chirping]

♪ When will she meet me? ♪

♪ When will she greet me? ♪

♪ She is the woman ♪

♪ Who will complete me ♪

♪ Where is she hiding? ♪

♪ Where's she residing? ♪

♪ Things will be so fine ♪

♪ On the day she is mine ♪

-Ah!
-[giggles]

[owl hoots]

-[wolf howling]
-[Jon screaming]

[smooching]

[laughs]

♪ On the day she is mine ♪

In all my days of searching,
I have found but one,

and she will not marry me.

-[excitedly] You found one?
-[sighs] Yes.

She is caring and compassionate.
Her name is Elizabeth…

[sighs]

…and she is a commoner.

Oh, a commoner.

[confused] A commoner?

[Garfield]
"Prince Jon
told the royal food taster…"

[Odie crying]

-Hmm?
-[crying]

I'll wait.

[Garfield groans] Hmm.

[blowing nose]

Are you quite finished?

Uh-huh.

Fine.

"So Prince Jon told the royal food taster
about the woman named Elizabeth,

who lived in a cottage in the Blue Forest

to be near the animals
she so dearly loved and cared for."

[humming]

[Garfield]
"She would feed
the friendly squirrels.

She would feed the stray cats and dogs.

She would feed the colorful bluebirds."

[birds chirping]

[Garfield]
"She would feed mice and moles.

And she would even feed
the real disgusting creatures

you sometimes find out in the woods."

[groaning]

-[groaning]
-Huh?

[laughs]

The birds and animals love you,
fair Elizabeth.

Ah, that's because I love them.

I love you too, Prince Jon.

-But I will not be your bride.
-Huh?

Why not?

The man I marry
must show he has extraordinary heart.

I have heart.

You are a good man, Prince Jon,

but you have lived a pampered life.

You have never been called upon
to show you possess that quality.

[sighs] That is sadly true.

[sinister laugh]

-[Odie crying]
-Huh? Hmm.

[Odie growling]

-[laughing]
-[Odie snarls]

How, before the deadline, could I possibly
prove to her I am all that?

I cannot even prove it to myself.

Sure you can.

You go out to the Blue Forest,
find your lady love,

and convince her to be your bride.

You think I should?

You're the hero of this story.
Act like it.

Ah. My cat is right.

I'm always right.

-[Odie grumbling]
-[Garfield snickers]

[Garfield tittering]

I shall ride into the Blue Forest
and find her now!

-[doorbell rings]
-Huh?

Hold on. Back in a sec.

[chuckles]

[chortles]

[grunts]

Oh, by the way, thanks.

[chortles]

[groans]

I don't know why I thank him.
I can't talk. He can't hear me.

[Garfield grunting, sighs]

[joyful music playing]

Okay now,

where was I?

Oh yes.

"The prince admitted
his cat was right and--"

[Odie muttering]

Well, if you wanted pizza,

you should have ordered
eight of them like I did.

[Garfield]
"The prince said…"

I shall ride into the Blue Forest
and find her now!

-[horse neighing]
-"Like a man possessed,

the prince rode his fiery charger
out of the castle

and off towards the Blue Forest.

He was determined not to return
until he reached his lady love

and convinced her to become his bride."

[cheerful medieval music playing]

[Odie happily whimpering]

Don't get so happy yet.
It's not that easy.

"Meanwhile, the dashing cat thought
his troubles were over…"

See how it works, pup?

Prince Jon will get her to marry him,
the evil viceroy will not become king,

and all my problems will be solved.

[twins] Kitty cat!

Oh no!

-What's his shoe size?
-Maybe some perfume!

Style his fur!

[Garfield] No!

-[crash]
-[Garfield] Stop!

-[twin ] Scrub his tail!
-[twin ] Clean his eyes!

-Get some perfume!
-[Garfield] Stop!

Correction:
Not all my problems will be solved.

-[twins] Kitty cat!
-[gasps]

[twins] It's bath time again!
Wash his ears!

-[twin ] We have gowns for you!
-[twin ] Scrub his tail!

-No! Ahh!
-We wanna play dress-up with the kitty!

[both]
We wanna play dress-up with the kitty!

-[crashing]
-[thudding]

And this still is a bad color for me.

[both] Look! It's the puppy dog!

[yelping]

[twins] Puppy dog! It's the puppy dog!

-[blowing a raspberry]
-[grumbling]

[dark medieval music playing]

Looks like the prince
is heading to the forest.

So, like, if he convinces
the animal lady to marry him,

what happens to your plan to become king?

He won't convince her
because he won't get to her.

There's only one road
into the Blue Forest,

and I've arranged
to have it guarded by someone.

[evil laughter]

[Garfield]
"Towards the Blue Forest Prince Jon rode,

determined that nothing would stop him
from reaching his fair Elizabeth.

But something could stop him.

He could be stopped by…"

Uh… The thing that could stop him was…

-[Odie muttering]
-Ugh!

Wait. I'm trying to think.

Oh, good heavens! Look what time it is.
I have to go annoy the mailman.

I'll be right back.

Huh?

[Garfield chortling]

[happily humming, gasps]

[snickers]

Oh, it's just you, Garfield.

I thought maybe you'd have
some trick in mind to scare me.

You know, like dressing up
as a fire-breathing dragon.

Me? Sweet, kindly me?

Fire-breathing dragon, huh? Hmm.

Well, here's your mail.

[Garfield chuckles]

[screaming]

[screaming]

Scaring the mailman is not nice,

but it is part of my job description.

Bill, bill, bill… Jon has jury duty. Bill.

Fire-breathing dragon, huh?

[whining]

[clears throat] "But as Prince Jon
made his way into the forest…

Prince John rode as a man possessed
determined to reach the fair Elizabeth.

A man he encountered warned him
of the danger that lay ahead…"

A fire-breathing dragon?

Up the road a piece. You can't miss him.
He's a dragon and, he breathes fire.

I will not be denied my true love.

I am not afraid
of any fire-breathing dragon.

-[dragon snarling]
-[whinnying]

Unfortunately, my horse is.

But I will not be denied!

[Garfield]
"Deeper and deeper
into the forest he went,

but there was no sign
of this monster he'd been warned about."

Fire-breathing dragon. Ha!
What nonsense! What foolishness!

-[dragon roaring]
-[whimpering]

What am I doing here?

[roaring]

-[roaring]
-[whimpering]

No, I wouldn't exactly describe
Prince Jon as brave…

Eh, courageous?

No.

Stupid?

You're getting warmer.

I guess the word
that best describes him is…

barbecued.

I'd say medium-rare.

[Garfield]
"Somehow,
the prince made it back to the castle.

There, spirits were down
and taxes were going up.

"A tax on using adverbs,

a tax on clipping your toenails
on a Wednesday.

A tax on being named Michael…"

Prince Jon turns at noon tomorrow.

If he isn't married,
that nasty man becomes king.

What are we gonna do?

"A tax on not making up your mind…"

Hmm.

You know that real dumb thing
Prince Jon just tried?

Uh… Mm-hmm.

Well, I hate to say it,
but I think we have to try it too.

[gulps]

[Garfield]
"And so, the adorable cat
and the not-too-bright dog

set off for the Blue Forest."

[Garfield] Prior to takeoff,
please make sure your seat and tray tables

are in the upright position

and that all electronic devices
are powered off. Are you ready?

[yipping]

And away we go!

[action music playing]

I hope someone comes by to pass out
those little bags of peanuts.

[screaming]

[crash]

[Garfield]
"They'd gotten about as far
as Prince Jon got when…"

[whining]

Do not be afraid,
faithful and furry friend.

There's no reason to be afraid
of a fire-breathing dragon.

Really?

None whatsoever.

I'll be back in the castle.
Let me know how things turn out.

[tense music playing]

[dragon roaring]

[Garfield]
"And here they stood,
the brave cat and the mediocre dog,

face to face with the dragon."

-And then…
-Yeah?

And then…

Yeah?

And then…

[whimpering] Yeah?

-And then… [teeth chattering]
-Yeah?

You know what goes great after pizza?

A tuna salad sandwich on rye.

[exasperated whimper]

[upbeat theme music playing]