16x07 - I'm Off to Find a Robin

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

SHE CAWS
Ah.Good evening.

Ah!

Argh!

Oh!

Bla-la-la-la-la.

I trained at RADA.

What have I created?

Sorry.

How we laughed.

Ah!

Huh?

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Thank you. Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies.

And I have a smorgsabord
of tasks for you

from a wondrous g*ng of loons.

And if that's not enough, I've also
got a second camera

trained on me at all times.

Felt cute. Might delete later.

LAUGHTER

We are tit deep in the competition
so let's crack on.

Please welcome Julian Clary,

Lucy Beaumont,

Sam Campbell,

Sue Perkins

and Susan Wokoma.

And next to me a man who
told me that if he sees

the pilot of any plane he boards is
a woman, he immediately leaves.

Because he believes and I quote
that "Their concentration spans

"and motor skills are not
suited to the job."

It's little Alex Horne.

Hi, there, thank you for
my introduction. You're welcome.

Well, I do worry about
these bits, Greg,

I worry that sometimes they create
an atmosphere that isn't,

er, entirely pleasant or useful
for the show. They do.

I'm worried that I've created
a rod for my own back.

Oh. Would you like to see it?

Yeah.

I...I've created a rod for my own...
I've got a rod,

I've created a rod for my own back
and then I talked about this...

The rod for my... In the
set up in the bit and...

So what's the punchline?
Something about a hook?

Yeah. I was...I was going to...
Oh, oh, I think I've got a bite.

Or oh... Oh, no, no, no.
I think I've got a bite's fine.

Yeah?

Have you had Botox?

Well, first...first...

It's a straight yes or no.

It's definite no. But why
would you ask?

Cos I just... In...in the light
I can see how smooth it all is.

I'm younger than you. And it
never used to be smooth.

I'm a lot, like, two decades younger.
I know you're younger than me.

Have you had some fillers
or something?

No. I...I...

On we go with the prize task.

Well, Greg, they've been
asked to bring in

the thing that is most guaranteed
to make you groan.

Oh. AUDIENCE: Ooh.

Oh, dear. I know.

The potential for some awful
things is high.

The thing most guaranteed to make
you groan in Greg's opinion

gets the big five and the winner's
going to groan their way home

with five groan-worthy things. Oh.

Oh, God.

I mean, the chances of these
not being sexual

based on what I've seen from these
people so far are zero.

I'll be less surprised than I was
when I found out

Alex had had cosmetic surgery.

LAUGHTER

Hi, Sam, what thing have you
brought in that makes you groan?

Oh, this thing is disgusting.

Let's have a look at it.

It's a toothbrush.

Oh! Oh!

That's against God. Oh!

There's a lot going on there,
isn't there?

I mean I can barely look at
this thing.

It's just... Don't you find that
just really grotty?

I think I'm groaning because
I'm so bemused by you.

Thanks, Sam. Next?

All right, Lucy.

It's a serious thing. OK.

Um, it's a lesson in the
importance of cartilage.

It's taken the form of this
skeleton.

So it's pointing obviously to
the areas that have cartilage.

Why is this supposed
to make me groan?

If you don't have cartilage. Yeah.

You...you'll groan... You'll groan.
..when you, uh, bend and lift.

I'm giving a gift to whoever
wins to say look after that.

Look after your cartilage.

And how do we look after
our cartilage?

I don't know.

I mean both of them have made
me groan. Hmm.

So I suppose, yeah.
Successful so far. OK.

Uh, hello, Julian. Hello.

Um, what have you brought in that
might make one groan?

Oh, it's so awful this,

every year for my birthday
my husband goes into a shop

and asks them for the most hideous
thing they've got on sale. Right.

And this I what he got me
a couple of years ago and I...

every time I look at it I groan.

LAUGHTER

It's so awful.

Someone said it looks like
Alex without his beard.

I dunno,
he's got a normal-width neck.

But it does make me groan every time
I see it which is quite often.

But you can't bring yourself to
throw it away because you're...?

This is the golden opportunity
to pass it on.

Good. Hello, Sue. Hello.

What have you brought in that might
make a man or a woman groan?

I thought what would be the best
way to make everyone groan

and I thought, well, maybe if
I asked an authority figure

and so I asked the king of the
bird men and he said yes.

I've got a voice that could stun a
goat from over a mile away.

And when I ask for a loud
noise it gets done.

Just ask the wing bird man,
Brian Blessed you groan,

like your life depends on it.

Come on, come on. Groan.
You feckless b*stards.

Come on! Groan.

The full recording's on this
memory stick.

You've really outdone yourself
there, Perkins.

That's amazing. That is stupendous.

Susan. Oh.

Traditionally this is not your
strongest round. No.

And you're following a recording
of Brian Blessed.

I...

Good luck.

As Greg so kindly said I, uh,
have been performing

quite poorly when it comes
to the prizes.

And here are a few of
the sh*t prizes.

That's actually very good.

One big present to make you groan.

So have you collected these from
the previous winners of the show?

Yes, I have.

They're all so sh*t that all these
guys actually gave them back to me.

That's very good. Right, I'm going
to give out some quick points.

All right then, who is the least
likely to make you groan?

Well, I'm not going to give anyone


So, that's good, isn't it? I'm going
to give Sam and Lucy two points,

and I'll tell you why, it's because
it was her explanation

that made me groan, not the item.
Right, two points each. Well done.

Yeah, that's good, isn't it?
Well done. Sorry.

I'm going to give...

LAUGHTER

I'm going to give Julian 3
points, ask me why.

Why are you going to give
Julian 3 points?

Because that thing's awful,
it does make me groan

but the sentiment behind it is
rather lovely I think. Oh.

And, so I'm sort of not giving
him too many points

to celebrate his wonderful
marriage. Oh.

There's a logic there somewhere.
OK.

I'm going to give Susan,
because my God she's had

a nightmare in this series,
I'm going to give her 4 points

for her very clever idea of
getting her sh*t prizes back

and putting them all together.

And, of course, Brian Blessed
will get the 5 points.

There we go, 5 points to
Sue Perkins. Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Right, let's stop talking about
cosmetic surgery

and let the tasking commence.

But be warned it's a minefield
out there, Greg.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello.

Can I come in?

Please do.

This looks fiendish.

Look at all these bells, ah.

That says 'Don't' on it.
But I do I want to, I won't.

OK. Ah, ooh. Piss it.

Hang on. Right.

I've found some little bits

of paper that say
'vibration, danger'

'Big light, leaves.'

'Sound.'

'UV light, smoke, vibration.'

It's like an Ann Summers party.

Do whatever you like with
these switches for five minutes.

OK. You will then do a task in
the lab for five minutes. All
right.

The conditions in the lab
will change according

to when you switch the
switches in here.

So there's a cause and
effect situation.

The annoying thing is I don't know
what the switches do.

I have told you what the switches
do it's all on those labels.

Your time starts when Alex
is confident you understand

the task.

Confident and Alex are two words
one doesn't associate.

Wonder what the task is.

What have you put in there?

Leaves. Leaves.

Surely that's the main switch.

I expect danger is that one.
Oh, I, I don't know.

I don't think I trust you.

What's that one? Like I don't
know what that one is.

It's like with this, what's the
point of, like, trying to like...?

What will be will be.

I really think that piss it is an
underrated exclamation.

I really enjoyed piss it.

It is lovely, isn't it?

It's nice, it's harmless,
it's warm.

The task as far as I can work
out before we get on with it is,

it's largely arbitrary that they
don't know

which label goes with which switch.

Bit like giving a toy to a child
and saying, don't play with that

for five minutes and... Yeah.
And probably they all did.

Well, let's crack on. Yeah.

OK, get ready, Greg, here they all
are flicking themselves silly.

Oh. Oh.
LAUGHTER

I'm confident you understand
the task. Your time starts now.

I'll start with a bit of leaves.

If I leave it on do leaves
keep coming?

Well, it depends if it is leaves,
of course.

Of course. Yeah.

I'll turn it off again now. Right.

That one's already on so I
think I'll turn that one off.

I mean, that's danger right there,
that nearly took my hand off.

Well, it does say "Don't".

I mean lights are not going to
bother me, are they?

I'm going to give myself a bit
of time once I'm in there

just to muck around.

Blimey it's all happening.

This one. That one.

All right, now we're going to...
Oh, no wait a second, would you?

It wasn't a very long rest.

No.

I need to have a bit of this one.

I don't know what, though.
I don't like going upside down,

spiders, uh, hot dogs,
you know the ones in tins.

I don't like, you know, if you
pull cotton wool apart.

Folk music.

I don't like ice cubes.

What if that's leaves?

I've been denied the pleasure
of leaves.



How much longer?

Three seconds.

WHISTLE
OK, I'll see you in the lab, Sam.

Well... Yeah, great thank you.

What have I done? Oh, dear.
What have I done?

What have you done, Julian,
do you think that...?

Well, we just didn't know. You
know, it was quite a lot of fun.

No and yet, across the series
you seem a very intelligent man

to me and yet you spent a long time
flicking those switches on and off.

Well, there was nothing else to do.

There was no cheery chat from Alex.

No. There never is.

Well, Sam said, "I want to buy
myself some

"time once I'm in there
to muck around."

Yeah, it is about that in a way.

Hmm.

You know when two
samurai encounter...

This is real. Yeah.
When they encounter each other,

they'll, like...
Do you know what I mean?

And then the first one
to move will often be slain.

And also a samurai can tell if he
will defeat another samurai just by

watching them making a cup of
tea cos they're like,

they see how effective they are.

I...I've moved, yeah. Yeah.

I...I'm happy to be slain just
to get out of this chat.

What's next, Alex?

Here are Sam and Susan and
the results of their switching.

My God.

So you've decided... Oh, my God.

Yeah. You've decided the
conditions for this task.

Yeah.

I'm scared.

What happens in here is all
your fault.

OK.

Feet close together, please. Why?

It's important.

That's not good for balance.

No.

'Balance the most tees on the
shelves.' So these are the tees.

Uh-huh. OK.

Oh, 'You must stay on the
platform throughout the task.

'You have five minutes.

'Your time starts when Alex is
confident you understand the task.'

Where are the golf tees?

Here. Where are the shelves?

Here.

I'm going to start the clock now.

Absolutely terrified.

Do you like it?

My method was kind of doing
everything at once.

So I guess everything wild
will happen.

Sam Campbell. Sam Campbell.
Sam Campbell. Sam Campbell.

Why is it saying my name?

Well, you switched the
sound button on. Sam Campbell.

I can't work under these
conditions.

Oh, my God!

f*cking hell.

Sam Campbell. Sam Campbell.

This is insane. Sam Campbell.

No!

How... What time are we up to?

Uh, you've got two minutes 50 left.

Yeah. No tees yet.

Can you remember what you did
now in the...?

Oh, this is when I have a
break. Yes.

Right, fine. Well, then this is the
most that I'm going to get on.

Oh, yeah it was only like




Sam Campbell. Sam Campbell.

I mean how is that falling off even
through that.

Well, you've turned on
the vibration switch.

Now I know I shouldn't have touched
any of the bloody switches.

That's going to ruin it.

That was like...

Oh, what?

Sam Campbell. Sam Campbell.

Ah.

Sam Campbell.

WHISTLE

That was really tough.

WHISTLE

I think that's pretty bloody good.

APPLAUSE

I think that being jiggled around
on a vibrating platform,

it sort of suits you?

Yes.

Does that make sense?

You're not the first person
to say that.

How many did she stack?
Well, we saw, just two.

But she did realise halfway through,
if she hadn't pressed any of

the switches, the conditions
would've been perfect.

And that's sort of key
to this, really.

If they'd not flicked any
switches... Yeah, just chilled out.

Sam actually did pretty well, right?
Well, he created a method.

He did all of his flicking in
a short period of time.

He did well despite that, I'd say

He created a method of balancing
the tees within a task,

which was balancing on it.
And he also balanced a bowl

on the bottom of the shelves.
I don't know if that counts.

I thought that creation was legit.
Oh, OK. That's what I thought.

Well, then he got sort of 87,
I suppose.

Wait, wait, wait, wait - really?
Wow. I know.

Yeah, I guess I'll take 87, yeah.

Right, join us after the break.

If I were you, I'd leave that
guff-soaked sofa

and get some fresh air for
a few minutes.

Fart outside! Live a little!

APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello!

I'm afraid to say you've woken me
from my power nap

and I'm not a happy boy.

Chill out, dude.

Before the break, the cast were
presented with some switches,

fully aware that how and when
and if they were switched

would directly affect
the conditions of the next task.

Here is everyone else.

Your time starts...now.

Ah, I'll start with
a little leaves.

Immediately with the leaves.

Oh, you see... Oh, it was leaves,
it was leaves! It was leaves.

Do I need to...? Oh.
VIBRATION

Ooh, I say.

f*cking hell!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Leaves.

Oh, for God's sake.

WOMAN'S VOICE:
Sue Perkins. Sue Perkins.

Oh, I don't want to listen to that.

No, I don't want to listen to that.
That's the sound on.

I don't like it.
Sue Perkins? Sue Perkins.

Sue Perkins.

I just farted on my...!

There's more to come!

Sue Perkins.

Don't make me fart in the dark
listening to my own name!

Sue Perkins?

I don't like UV light very much.

My mum thinks it was because I was
in an incubator to help me grow.

VIBRATION
Oh!

Sue Perkins. Yeah.

Sue Perkins? Yeah?

Sue Perkins. Yeah.

WHISTLE

WHISTLE
Oh.

WHISTLE
And we're done.

Can you stop me vibrating? Yeah.

Oh. Thank you, Julian. Thank you.

Goodbye, Sue.
That sounded very final.

And after what I've done in this
room, I don't blame you.

So sorry for everyone.

SHE WAFTS THE
PLASTIC SHEETING

APPLAUSE

Did you enjoy that task, Julian?
I did quite.

And it was very sensory, wasn't it?

With all the lights and
the movement. Yeah.

It was better than some
I've sat through anyway.

There was a slight issue
with Julian's, which we didn't

really show there, but the vibration
machine wouldn't turn off

afterwards. Remember, you were on
there for another minute afterwards.

Get your thrills where
you can at my age.

Sue, you said, in my opinion,

the greatest thing that's ever been
said on this show.

"Please don't make me fart in
the dark listening to my own name."

APPLAUSE

Can I ask you about Sue's technique
of balancing? They're not balanced.

You poked them through the shelf.

I was really desperate at
that point. Yeah, I know, cos
the...

Yeah, but is it more balanced

than me just putting a bowl on
the table?

Yeah, you did allow 87 from Sam.
Yeah.

In a bowl plonked on
the bottom shelf.

Oh! No, I wasn't allowing that.
I was allowing...

Sorry, there's been some confusion.
Ah.

I was allowing his system of
hanging things. Ah. Sorry.

Now I feel really bad.

Yeah, you've really f*cked Sam
over there.

Yeah, you're pretty at good sticking
things into other places. Yeah.

Knives into backs. Balanced!

It's balanced, man.

So, we're saying that Sue didn't
balance any tees? I'm afraid we are,

because they were quite clearly
pushed through the shelf.

That is very harsh
but I accept it always.

I should also tell you then that
Julian did manage

to balance nine tees on his shelves.

IMPRESSED WHISTLE
Lucy, 19.

That's amazing. What we haven't
seen yet is the Don't Switch.

Danger did go with Don't. Shall we
see what the Danger Switch did?

Yes, please.
OK. Good luck, everyone. Here we go.

I've spent however long just trying
to avoid that button.

That's all I've thought about from
the moment I've walked in.

I mean, I've been brought up well.

If something tells me not to touch
it, I'm not going to touch it.

Right,
I'm going to start the task now.

Hee-hee-hee!

I can't say I wasn't warned.

Still got 1:45.

Oh...

I'm going to go for this one.

How much danger can I endure,
ten seconds' worth?

Well, you have now ten seconds left.

Five seconds left, Lucy.

Do you want me to press the button?

WHISTLE
You can't now, unfortunately.

Oh, sh*t, there's...

WHISTLE

Right, I'm going to go for this
one.

Hee-hee-hee.

Do you know what,
I was ten seconds away from

avoiding my baser instincts.
And I failed.

APPLAUSE

Oh.

I really like it when you're
disappointed in us.

There's something wrong with me!

Well, we weren't to know that was
going to happen, were we?

It did say "don't". Yeah.

Heart breaking, but good news
to old Lucy. Yes.

Yeah, I think she only didn't press
it because she ran out of time.

She wanted to.
No, I wasn't going to. No, no.

Were you a well-behaved child?
I had to be.

Oh, yeah, me too.
My mum was incredibly violent.

Where does all that leave us?
Well, it means that no-one

gets any points,
they were all disqualified,

except for Lucy Beaumont,
who gets five points.

APPLAUSE

Let's have a look at
a scoreboard, can we?

We can and, unsurprisingly,

Lucy's in the lead with seven
points! Well done, Lucy.

Let's have another one, please.

Yes. In your face, Greg.

QUIET THUD

Sorry, I didn't mean to kick
the door, sorry.

What larks.

Already, this is my favourite.

Yeah, me too.

I've always wanted to be a clown.

Mixed emotions?

Mainly joy.

Oh, that's not edible.

Now, fear.

Any sign of that secret task yet?

Not yet.

"Pie Wayne in the face."

Will I know who Wayne is?

Do you know any Waynes?

Rooney.

Not him.

"Wayne is outside the front door."

"You may not touch Wayne nor
step on the red green."

The red green?

Now, what the hell is that?

Well, you know a green? Yeah.

A red one of them.

"If you miss Wayne with
the pie, you must copy

"Wayne's dance moves
for ten seconds."

"You must not touch Wayne."

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts when you open
the front door."

Who is Wayne? Do you know him?

I don't know him well.

You can't touch any part of Wayne,
I need to make that clear.

I understand boundaries.

OK.

Are these top-ups? Yeah. OK.

Not a lot of faith in me,
then, is there?

So, do I take more than one pie?

I'm not likely to miss him, am I?

I'll start the clock as soon you
open the door.

Oh, I see.

Hiya, Wayne!

That's Wayne?

Oh, yeah, there he is.

In the face? In the face.

All right.

That's brilliant.

APPLAUSE

I loved it.
I was sh*t at it but I loved it.

Do you think sometimes you've lost
some of the innocent joy

of childhood, Julian?

Because everybody else saw Wayne
and went, "Oh!",

started laughing and you went,
"Oh, I see." No.

I was like that as a child,
I'm afraid.

Nothing's changed.

So, basically, they're going to be
pieing one of those wavy-arm men

from outside garages in the face.

Not a great incentive
to come back, is it, Alex?

No, but I could sing my
favourite hymn.

Yes?

Yeah, all right, that'll do.

# Be thou my vision

# O, Lord of my heart

# Nought be all else to me

# Save that thou art... #

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's part three and I want to see
wavy man Wayne get pied in the face.

Oh, I do too Greg.

Remember, as is common practice on
Taskmaster,

they can't stand on the red green.

So, let's begin
with Susie and Susannah.

So, Wayne's going to be operated by
a switch.

I've got to try and find the
switch.

That's part of him,
that's his umbilical cord.

Oh, so I can't...?

Oi.

That's not his face.

You must dance. Ugh!

Ugh. Is that ten seconds?

That's ten seconds.

Be careful.

Lovely. Thank you, Sue.

OK.

I mean...

Ah!

Sue?

Thank you, Sue.

Wayne's my favourite.

Come on, you little sh*t!

Sue.

Oh, Christ.

Can't see anything now.

Basically did this at Rada. OK.

Yeah, that's ten seconds.

Why did you have
to pick this one after lunch?!

Come on.

Oh, sh*t.

I've stopped the clock.
Did I get it? Yeah.

CHEERING

Where is his umbilicus?

The naughty flamingo's
going to touch him.

Naughty flamingo.

Little f*ck.

Don't touch him.

Come on, naughty flamingo.

You've on more task to fulfil.

Pin him!

Take it.

I've stopped the clock, Sue.

APPLAUSE

It felt like it was a bit
of a grudge for you, in the end.

Yeah, I mean...

"Take it, you little f*ck."?

Yeah. There's only
so much expressive dance I can do

and I don't have the training.
Susan's got training.

She's got, you know,
the depth of experience,

she understands the biomechanics of
the human form and art in general.

I was just very, very frustrated
and then blind

and then the naughty flamingo
spared my blushes.

I like to see that sort
of lateral thinking.

The naughty flamingo
was allowed to touch Wayne.

Yes, yes, the flamingo could
touch Wayne. Yeah. And did. And did.

Now, Susan's told us repeatedly that
she trained for three years at Rada.

I put it to you, Susan,
you weren't even attempting

to pie Wayne for most of it,

you were just enjoying
the interpretive dance.

Yeah, yeah. I just was so...
As you say, when I saw him,

it was so glorious and I sort of
forgot the point of it.

Yeah. But I had a good time.
But the final pieing was...

Well, it caught us by surprise. It
caught me by surprise. Bloody hell.

Yeah. Three awful throws got
nowhere near.

The fourth, right in the face.
Only took her 1:39.

CHEERING

And what about old
grudge match over there?

Naughty flamingo lady? Yeah.



Little bit longer. Who's next?

OK, we've seen the Sues, now for
Julian, Sam, Lucy and Wayne again.

Julian?

That's not his face.

Now you have dance on
the dancing mat.

That's lovely, Julian.

Are you OK?

Oh, what are you looking for?

LUCY: Something to get Wayne down.

Was that on his face?
No, afraid not.

That's lovely, Julian.

I'll go and get another pie. OK.

I brought this from home.

Can I try and lasso him?

Now you have to dance, Julian.

My enthusiasm for the dancing
has waned, as it were.

It has waned.

Pretty close.

Can you hold the other end of that
to trap him?

To trap...? I'll do what I'm told.

No, no, no, stop!

This way.

I've got him! Surely?!

Surely, surely I got him?

I got him! I got him!

I got him big time!

Yeah, yeah.

APPLAUSE

Well, that's not my problem, is it?

There you are.
I've stopped the clock.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Wayne! Don't touch me, Wayne!

Wayne!

I've stopped the clock.

Wow.

Got him, I got Wayne.

APPLAUSE

Julian, your pie technique
was dreadful.

But I thought you
were a very graceful dancer.

Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

Anything else to say? No.

I thought the most dramatic thing we
were going to see in those attempts

was Sam shouting,
"I got him big time."

He had it too good for too long.

What turned out to be the most
dramatic thing was Julian Clary

taking Wayne down with a swing ball.
Yeah.

That was the most dramatic thing.

Lucy, did you think the task was
touch Wayne as much as you can?

The swing ball touched him.
As well, yeah.

You touched him big time. But how?

With your hands.

He touched me.

You did touch Wayne and, even if you
didn't, there was one other rule

which you may have broken as well.
What? You weren't allowed to touch

the red green. Of course, we always
know that. This is what happened.

Well over. Oh, no.

But why are you zooming in on
people's feet, you sicko?

That's fetish, that is.

I mean, I am going
to disqualify them

but I also agree with them,
you are sick.

The three of them,
very similar times.

Lucy, actually, 3:25. Right.
As relevant as that is. Yeah.

Julian, 3:32, Sam, 3:40.

So, what that means is that Sue and
Lucy don't get any points.

Oh, f*ck you.

Do you know what?
He's smiling but he's hurting.

The reason you can't see
he's hurting...

He does. You do look like you
have had.... He does!

You look as smooth as fibreglass.

You do, he's right.
You look like a canoe. Right.

So, Sam, you get three points,

Julian, four,

but five points goes to
Susan Wokoma!

CHEERING

OK. And now time
for some product placement.

There's a bee out there.

Is there? Yeah. OK.

Sorry, I shouldn't have come in too
big, should I?

Perkins.

Horne.

Oh, God.

Oh, look, it's me.
You both look great.

She's pretty.

LAUGHING: Look at my hands.

Oh, it's me with my eyes shut.

Oh, I do all my pictures like this.

I never told you, did I?

Thank you.

"Put yourself somewhere within...

"Put yourself somewhere within
the..."

Oh, she's putting me off.

"Put yourself..."

If that started walking away,
I'd be so freaked out.

"Put yourself somewhere within
the boundary."

"Put yourself somewhere within
the boundary."

That's what my therapist says.

"The person furthest from
everyone else wins."

"The people closest together
both lose two points."

"Also, throughout the task you must
behave really weirdly."

"You must behave really weirdly."

Ugh.

"Really weirdly."

"Weirdly." "Weirdly."

Don't have to tell me twice.

"You've got a maximum of
ten minutes.

"Your time starts...now."

So, you've just got to think, where
would Sue Perkins put Sue Perkins?

Well, there's no way of knowing,
is there? No. No, there isn't.

APPLAUSE

I think that some tasks
are unfairly stacked in

the favour of some contestants. I
mean, I don't want to pick on people

but I have written down that,
throughout this, sometimes,

Lucy and Sam have come across as -

well, I've written
"absolutely deranged".

CHEERING

That's another part complete.

If you want to see someone forced
to take home Susan's prizes for

a second time, then, by all means,

please join us
again for part four. Bye.

Hello! Welcome back to
the final part of the show.

Yes, and welcome to those who aren't
watching Taskmaster too,

that's absolutely fine.

It's about time we found out where
the five competitors placed the

cut-outs of themselves. The person
furthest from everyone else wins,

but the two people closest together
each lose two points.

Ye-ouch! Here's what they did.

Behave weirdly.
Shall I behave like you?

Yes, please.

Ah.

"There's nothing I can do
to help you."

SUE GROWLS LIKE CHEWBACCA

SHE YODELS

I don't think anyone would be as
obvious as...

I don't think anyone would be
obvious as this.

There's an argument
for just popping myself just there.

LUCY YODELS

Where do you think Sue Perkins is
going to put herself?

Um, there.

Sam Campbell?

Um, there.

Susan Wokoma?

Um, there.

And Julian Clary?

Just there.

That's quite near your one.

Yeah, I know.

Why have you put it so close
to Julian Clary?

I didn't know at
the time that he put it there.

Can I move it again? Well,
you've still got eight minutes.

OK.

SHE YODELS

So, say I tear his head off...?

Is that me, then?
Like, what makes you you?

Is it where your head is or
your heart or your...?

It'll be a discussion.

But to be honest, for some people,
this isn't weird, this is exercise.

But to me, that's about
as weird as it gets.

I'm off fishing now.

So, is it me that likes fishing in
this scenario?

Don't you like fishing?
I don't think so. Or bird watching?

Yes, please. I knew it was something
boring. Right.

I'm off to find a robin.

Where do you think Julian Clary's
going to put himself?

Probably, like, back there
or something.

Sam Campbell? They're going to be
doing this. Going, "Whoo."

Ugh.

SHE YODELS

I think it's now not near anybody.

Ugh.

Could do that?

But will that be far enough away?

OK.

Something about
the boundary line. Right.

On the horns, by the boundary line.

Do you have a coin on you?
I'm going to coin toss it.

Thanks, Sam.

Heads for that deer's head.

Tails for on the boundary line.

APPLAUSE

Julian displays a continual -

and, to me, delightful -
contempt for Alex.

And this is the zenith, I think.

Doing a insulting impression of
him... Can I see it again? Yes.

"There's nothing I can do
to help you."

Is that enough? Yeah.

That was before his surgery.

APPLAUSE

It was a really
creditable impression.

Thank you. It just came over me.

He is irritating, isn't he?

What we need to know is what the
coin decided for Sue, of course.

Yeah.
Before we do, I'll appraise you for

a very creditable
Chewbacca impression.

SHE GROWLS

OK, so we're going to find out

if Sue is near the tossed head on
the deer.

This is it,
this is the cliff hanger. Yeah.

It's all about the toss.
Here we go.

Heads for that deer's head.

Tails for on the boundary line.

Thank you, Sue. Thank you.



That felt...

I mean, I knew what had happened

and even I was swept along by
the narrative.

The coin was so cruel.

Unfortunately, the people closest
to each other lost two points.

Listen, I'm just grateful...

I don't think I was disqualified in
that round. You weren't.

But you don't get any points.

Because the distances from one
another, as we can see here,

Sam was 14.24m away from everyone.

Lucy second, 13,

Julia third, Sue fourth,

Susan fifth.

But Julian and Susan both lose two
points, so it ends up being

one point to Susan, none to Sue,
one to Julian,

four to Lucy and
five points to Sam Campbell!

APPLAUSE

I think that's a
very satisfactory outcome.

And it's progress, Sue, in a way,

because you've been disqualified
for two. Yeah.

But at least you've got no points
this time.

Let's have a glance at the scores.

It's tight, except for Sue.

Lucy, you're still in the lead
with 11 points.

APPLAUSE

OK, everyone, please make your way
to the stage

for the final task of the show!

CHEERING

Who will be reading the task?

Sue Perkins.

"Catch three ba*ls on your head.

"After you've caught a ball,
you must shout 'ball'.

"You may not step off your circles,
move your circles,

"adjust your arms or touch
the ba*ls with your hands.

"The fastest wins."

Can we cooperate?

I guess we'll find out.

Good luck.

On your marks, get set.
WHISTLE

And they're off.

LUCY: Ball!
SAM: Ball!

JULIAN: Ball.

SAM: Ball.
JULIAN: You've got another one.

SAM: It is in there for a bit,
does that count? Ball!

LUCY: Ball.
Oh, that's...!

Oh, we have a winner over here,
Julian Clary!

CHEERING

And Sam's out.
Sam, are you finished?

Ball.

Ball.

Susan, you're done,
you're finished. Oh, have I?

It's just you, Sue.

Oh!

I was never very good at sport.

SAUSAN: Hang on.
There's coming... Hang on.

There's one coming, incoming.

This is a pitiful...!

Say ball. Ball.
Say ball again. Ball.

And then say it one more time.

Ball.
WHISTLE

Come down we'll add that to
the final scores, come and join me.

That was exciting. Mmm.

Not for the first time the group
confounded us by working together.

They did. One to Sue, two to Susan,
three to Lucy,

four to Sam,
five to Julian Clary. Well done.

APPLAUSE

So, that's affected things in
many ways.

We have three people in the 90s now,
in terms of the series.

Susan, you are in last place, on 92.
Yes, lovely.

Sue, 95, Lucy, 99,
then jump up to Julian, on 108,

Sam's in the lead on 120.

APPLAUSE

Incredible. Yes.

What's the final scoreboard
for today? Well, it's a tight one.

Sue, stranded on six.

The rest, it goes 12, 13, 14, 14 -

Lucy and Sam, joint winners.

Yay! No!

CHEERING

So, we have a tie-break situation.

Yes, tie-breaks are very serious
matters and we're going to settle

this one right here on
the studio floor.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

In my drawer,
I have two party poppers.

Oh, I don't like them.

Sam and Lucy will fire their party
poppers from their seated positions

And the person who fires the
contents of their party popper

furthest wins, simple as that.
We're all out of budget.

Lucy, are you ready?

Three, two, one...pop.

b*stard.

Sam, I believe this is yours for
the taking.

Wow.

You're going to have
to measure this.

I'll hold it. Thank you, Sue.

Furthest bit.





CHEERING

Lucy Beaumont wins!

Please go and gather your gifts
and groan.

Not that.

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that, in a thousand
years, when the people of the future

look back and somehow try to
understand how our society worked -

what were we all about? -

there is one thing along that they
will be sure of -

show them a picture of Sue Perkins
and they'll all go,

oh, yeah, that's the lady who
didn't like farting in the dark

to the sound of her own name.

Only three episodes to go,

so let's appreciate tonight's
winner once more.

It's Lucy Beaumont!

CHEERING