01x02 - Kevin's Problem (or Porno for Pyro)

[bunniefuu]

This meditation tape is awfuI.

It's not soothing me at aII.

In fact, I'm beginning to grow infuriated.

That's not your tape, Posey.

It's Kevin.

He's been doing that since he was a kid.

He uses it to drown out distractions.

I shouId've mentioned it to you when he moved in.

You can't stop him.

Watch.

Yo, Pac
-Man, how's it hanging?
Kevin, HitIer's on the phone.

He wants his haircut back.


-Your turn.


-I'm a Ieaf in the wind.

I'm a Ieaf in the wind.

I'm a Ieaf in the wind.

I want my haircut back! I want my haircut back! Now, what was it you wanted?

-Nothing.


-Nothing.

HeIIo?
I'm back from Japan.

I didn't reaIize you'd Ieft yet.

Sorry about that.

Hey, buddy, how was the computer convention?
I don't know.

I forgot to attend.

I spent aII my time absorbing the insane cuIture of modern Japan.

I sIept in a cubicIe and smoked musicaI cigarettes.

And that's not aII.


-Did you get my eeI
-bIadder tea?

-Better.

I got you these.

''Fun Fun UmbreIIa Juice.

'' ''an*s Bar.

'' That's the future.

Get used to it.

The Japanese are way ahead of the curve.


-I want a present.

Where's my present?

-HoId on.

You're gonna Iove these.

They're next year's hottest fashion.

Hot pants?
I'm not gonna wear hot pants.

They're not hot pants.

They're karai pantsu, spicy pants.

Which do you want?
Pink happy bear or purpIe kissing bunny?
Can't I just have the an*s Bar?
Hey, what are you doing, geeking out or nerding it up?
I wish.

This is schooIwork.

I have to write a paper on ocean ecosystems.

You know, I was just reading an articIe about that.

Maybe you couId use it.

Here.

It's aII about marine bioIogy.

Oh, that sounds perfect.


-What?

-There are women touching each other
-in this magazine.


-ReaIIy?
Andy, that is p*rn*graphy.

Mom said that I shouId never Iook at stuff Iike that.

What about the articIe?

-Iet me read a few snippets.


-No! ''TopIess deep
-sea fishing at Yucatân is no Iaughing matter.

'' There's a warning on the cover: ''Not for minors.

'' I am a minor, Andy.

I don't wanna go to jaiI.

Even if I weren't a minor, I wouIdn't Iook at your fiIthy p*rn*graphy because when I am married and I'm kissing my wife I don't want my head to be fiIIed with perverted thoughts Iike yours! Perverted?
If you want perverted, check this out.

Okay.

Justice Ieague, Aquaman speaking.

Oh, hi, George.

Oh, sure, I'd be happy to heIp out.

Thanks for fiIIing in.

I need a coupIe of hours to get my paper done.

It's impossibIe to concentrate around here.

Have you tried ''bIing
-bIonging''?
Yeah, but my dad says it scares the customers.

CaII me if you need anything.

Oh, Kevin.

My next
-door neighbor.


-You're working here?

-I'm fiIIing in for George.

WonderfuI.

I'II.

I'II take two eyegIass repair kits.

They're very handy, you know.

And how.

Anything eIse?

-I just can't!
-Oh, what's the matter, you
-
-?
I'm not Iike you! I care what peopIe think! I don't Iike my personaI Iife to be everybody's business! Excuse me.

I need some condoms so I can make Iove to my Iover.

And don't smirk, they're for g*y sex.

That's how you do it.

Okay.

ShaII I wrap them up or wouId you Iike to wear them home?
Very funny, wisenheimer.

Yo, it's that fooI from schooI.

Hey, sweetie, where the comic books at?
AisIe two.

But you can't just read them.

You have to buy something or.


-AisIe two.


-AII right.

Stupendous! HoIy crap, we're in pubIic.

What are you doing?
BowIing.

Hey, Jim, hot pants, èse! Don't encourage him.

SeriousIy, man, how Iong are you gonna keep this up?
Just untiI they catch on.

Then I'm off where the miIIennium takes me.

Yes! Thank you for shopping at Mission HiII Market.

Oh, hey, do you have Iow
-fat saIad dressing?
No.

Sorry.

Bye.

Yo, man, what was that?
Dude, I am trying to concentrate on Richie Rich and his picnic.

But check it.

Dude must have gone home.


-Yo, we better get out of here, man.


-HoId up.

I gotta take a Ieak.

The dude didn't go home.

He is in there spanking it, man! He is indecent! Oh, no.

Oh, no.

HeIp! HeIp! Kevin.

Kevin.

Come, Kevin.

Come into the Iight.


-What's in there?

-It's what you've aIways dreamed of.

Every man's wiIdest fantasy.

Inside it's Iike YaIe University.

Man, I am so gIad you're aII right.

When I heard what happened, I just dropped my bowIing baII and ran out.

I can vouch for that.

My hand! Is this to punish me?

-Punish you?
For what?

-For massive damage to the store during the mysterious fire.

Oh, Kev.

Nobody bIames you.

That's why they caIIed in the arson investigators.

Arson investigators?
We figure the assaiIants Iocked you in the bathroom so they couId rob the joint.

Then they set it on fire so you wouIdn't be around to finger them.

AssaiIants?
Oh, yes.

Of course.

How couId I forget those rotten assaiIants?
Easy, Kev.

Iet me get that for you, champ.

Why are you being so nice to me?
I don't know.

It's weird.

I've thought about setting you on fire hundreds of times.

I never dreamt it wouId affect me Iike this.

Oh, man.

You're stiII wearing those?
Gus, WaIIy.

Doesn't Jim Iook g*y in those pants?
No seIf
-respecting g*y man wouId be caught dead in them trunks.

I wouId die twice if anyone saw me in those.

Nice Iinen suit, that's the thing.

Iike David Niven used to wear.

Oh, David Niven, David Niven.

He is aII you ever taIk about! Oh, yeah?
You get giddy every time Broderick Crawford's on teIevision.

Which, thankfuIIy, these days, ain't that much! Kevin, hi.

I missed you at schooI.

Thanks.

And thanks for e
-maiIing me those virtuaI fIowers.


-Sure.


-Hey, weIcome back.

They caught the guys who burned you up and robbed our store.

ReaIIy?
That's great.

Did they say anything?
What was their side of the story?
Who cares?
I'm sure it's something sad about broken home.

Yes.

And that, beIieve it or not, is where eggs come from.

So don't forget, kids, nutrition is dope.

For CIearasiI, I'm Panzer, your student network EJ.

Now here's your IocaI principaI.

Good morning, students.

A speciaI announcement today: WeIcome back, Kevin French.

Kevin survived a vicious attack by two of our students John Griffin and Christopher Dodge.

That's why Griffo and C
-Dog are in jaiI and Kevin is Student of the Month.


-AII right, Kevin.


-AII right, Kevin.

So, Kevin, stop by the office to pick up your Iaudatory bumper sticker and your compIimentary suppIy of acne medication from CIearasiI.

HeIp stamp out ''zitsophrenia '' with CIearasiI.

Yeah, buy more crap, kids.

AII right, turn to chapter seven.

Why is Kevin a hero?
Because he was attacked.

Keep up the good work, Kevin.

You're a fine exampIe of young peopIe who are attacked.

Excuse me, I'm here for my bumper sticker and acne medication.

so Iong Griffo and C
-Dog! There he is.

How is our very speciaI student?
Oh, you know, comme ci comme ça.

CertainIy.

Did you hear about Griffo and C
-Dog?
They cIaim they had nothing to do with the fire.

They say they caught you in the bathroom with p*rn*graphy.

Imagine.

An honor student reading p*rn*graphy.

Why, it's absurd.

With those two gone, it'II be a Iot quieter around here for the next 25 years.

Twenty
-five years in prison?
For robbing a store and burning a bathroom?
Twenty
-five years to Iife, son.

It's not just arson.

It's attempted m*rder.

To 25 years! To Iife! And the award for Video of the Year goes to:
-Beck!
-Yes! FinaIIy, some justice.

The Beck is back, and at Iast he
-
- Orange friendIy frog.

The spicy pants of champions.

Hi, Andy.


-Got a minute?

-Sure, buddy.

Oops, sorry.

I know how you hate this stuff.

Okay.

What's up?
Can you keep a secret?
How shouId I say this?
I was manipuIating myseIf to p*rn*graphy My brother! in the grocery store.

Okay.

And weII, then I
-
- I heard sirens and
-
- It's not for minors, Andy! p*rn*graphy is not for minors! I didn't wanna get in troubIe, so I tried to burn it.


-But the toiIet paper caught and
-
-
-You started that fire?

-Kevin, those two guys are going to jaiI.


-They shouIdn't have robbed the store.

They took $53! And they couId get a Iife sentence for attempted m*rder!
-I never said they set me on fire.


-You never said they didn't! But I was Iooking at smut.

If I teII the truth, peopIe wiII think I'm a pervert.

Iike me.

Yeah, you wouIdn't want peopIe to think you're Iike me dirty oId Horny McWhack
-Whack! Far better you shouId send two innocent peopIe to jaiI!
-They're not aII that innocent.


-Get out of my room!
-But we were getting aIong so weII.


-Out! Hey! Good morning, Andy.

Iet me pour you some coffee.

I'II get it myseIf.

I wouIdn't want you to sIip and accidentaIIy frame me for m*rder.

The triaI's tomorrow, and I have to testify.

I sure couId use you by my side.

I refuse to degrade myseIf in that fashion.

But I can't testify at the triaI without a guardian present.

Then maybe you shouId caII Mom and Dad.

In fact, why don't I get them on the phone right now?

-No, no! Wait, wait! Stop!
-Hey, Mom! How's it going?
You know what, Kevin started a fire, and you'II never guess how.

No, no! Mom, wait, I
-
- You're just Iucky I don't know their number.

Iooks Iike we've got a 501 in progress.


-What are you Iooking at?

-The jeans you're wearing.

So, Tex, how are things down at the rodeo?
Come on.

Everybody knows jeans are cooI.

And you shouId know, Mr.

FonzareIIi.

Or shaII we caII you Jethro?
Hey, jeans are the cIassic cooI pants.

I mean, you know they'II aIways be hip.

Right?
Won't they?
Y'aII come back now, hear?
And when those two got bIamed for the fire, I went aIong with it.

I'm not a hero, just a hypocriticaI pervert.

Son, it took guts to teII me the truth.

And it'II take even more guts never to teII it again.

BeIieve me, we'II aII be better off if you stick to the originaI version.

But those guys wiII go to prison for something they didn't do.

Oh, maybe those boys didn't do exactIy what they're accused of.

But they've done other things.

Iike defecating in my fiIe cabinet.

WouId you Iike to see?
No, thank you.

Mr.

Cresto, you're asking me to commit perjury.

Oh, no.

No, Kevin, I wouId never teII you to Iie under oath.

At the same time, I'd hate to teII YaIe Admissions you were pIeasuring yourseIf in a pubIic restroom.

I might even get confused and teII them you defecated in my drawer.

And we don't want that, do we, Kevin?
No, sir.

And they jammed the door, trapping you in the bathroom?
Yes, as I recaII.

And then they set you on fire with this magazine.

Kevin?
Did they set you on fire?
Yes.

Yes.

Yes, ma'am.

Once again, the gaIIery shaII refrain from heckIing the witness.

Sorry.


-No further questions.


-I toId you you shouId've pIed guiIty.

Man, just teII them homeboy was in there spanking it.

I am not gonna drag that young man through the mud for you.

Mr.

French.

Since you're an honor student and are very busy, I'II keep it short.

ActuaIIy, I don't have any questions.

Iet me go straight to my cIosing statement.

Attempted m*rder, they say.

WeII, I say, ''Ha!'' I submit that if these two ruthIess th*gs wanted to m*rder this honor student he'd be dead.

I mean, Iook at them, they're scum.

Yo, man, teII them! He was in there whacking it! AII right, that's it.

The defense rests.

Very good.

You may step down, Kevin.

This sucks! Where's justice?
Kevin.

Kevin.

Why aren't you teIIing the truth?
Are you ashamed of me?
No.

I just don't want everybody to know about our Iiaison.

I said, the witness may step down.

If you don't confess, I'II morph my face into your mother's.

Iive with that image for the rest of your Iife.

Kevin, honey! What did I teach you about
-
-?
Oh, God, no! Wait! They're innocent! I'm the one who burned down the store.

I was manipuIating myseIf to p*rn*graphy.

I tried to hide it by fIushing it down the toiIet.

But it backed up, so I set it on fire and things got out of controI.

Those two had nothing to do with it.

Yo, Whack Man! Coming through.


-p*rn*graphy?

-Shocking!
-SeIf
-abuse?

-I never
-
- So that what's happened to his hand.

Now, just a minute here!
-Who are you?

-I'm Andy French.

And Kevin is my brother.


-I'm sorry, did you say ''Iover''?

-Brother.


-Because those pants Iook g*y.


-They're not g*y! PeopIe, you mock this boy, but it's your fauIt he's here today.

Your hypocrisy has made this boy a prisoner terrified of his own sexuaIity.

So much so, he'd rather send two reIativeIy innocent men to prison than admit he Iooks at p*rn*graphy.

Not anymore! From now on, I'm sticking to Iingerie cataIogs.

He thinks his naturaI urges are fiIthy and perverted.

And why?
Because of your conspiracy of siIence.

Nobody dares admit the truth: That you're aII just Iike him! Oh, come on! You've never Iooked at p*rn*graphy?
WeII, onIy in magazines and fiIms.

And you! You've never manipuIated yourseIf?
WeII, maybe once, by accident.

And the rest of you, do you have the courage to teII the truth Iike my brother did on the stand?

-I Iike smut.


-And so do I, my friend.

The truth is nothing to be ashamed of.

In fact, the onIy thing that's shamefuI is your hypocrisy.

So shame on you for judging this boy.


-Shame, shame.


-We were wrong.


-I am so sorry.


-Yeah, we're sorry.

The man in the hot pants speaks the truth.

Case dismissed.

Man! Next time, we gotta find a guy spanking it at a bank.

But they rob my store! WeII, perhaps you shouId've given a rousing speech.

Wow, Andy, I never reaIized so many peopIe were so perverted.

Thanks for standing up for me Iike that.

WeII, I'm proud of you.

You did the right thing.

Besides, wearing these crazy pants made me feeI weII, invincibIe.

Hey, what happened to your karai pantsu?
I thought the cooI peopIe were wearing them.

We were.

Then they caught on with everybody eIse.

Nuts!