01x04 - The Devil's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

hi God here so I was all set to destroy

the world when I thought hey I'm not

that kind of God if just one Soul could

show me it's worth saving on spirit and

being a sporting deity I let the devil

choose so folks meet your last chance

for salvation

this is good beer

oh boy well folks I wouldn't make any

long-term plans

[Music]

thank you

what are you doing here I had to get out

of hell for a while they're planning a

big surprise party for my birthday I

think I'm getting a Lexus are you done

with my paper sure check out hi and

Lewis

is getting good again

like this don't you walk away from me

young lady your wife won't let me go on

a sleepover I plan for weeks a sleepover

at a boy's house with the parents out of

town that's just the way it worked out

we're not gonna have sex mother jeez

that's all you ever think about you're

obsessed with sex no she isn't she

really isn't

what

oh man I asked for decaf now I'm gonna

be jumpy all morning too bad such a

beautiful day what is today anyway

something special is it Earth Day no no

it rhymes with Earth Day happy

[Music]

can you hand me a sugar pack how old are

you now how old are you now that's no

good maybe if we folded up a napkin it's

my birthday

oh gee I didn't realize

the beginning of time I'm sorry if I'd

known I was sprung for your muffin it's

not a muffin it's a scone

come on smack aren't you ready yet who

is the impatient birthday boy sorry it's

just nothing's been turning out like I

expected today I think you'll find it's

all about to change

who's Helen from accounting hers is

actually Sunday but since we were

celebrating news anyway this is so great

guys thank you all I know we're not a

family but sometimes it feels like a

family get her out of here sir it's her

party too get her out of here sorry

Helen oh sweetie that's all right the

cake was delicious

everybody out

great party we're out of here yeah we'll

see you later

sorry sir we got backed up today and it

was a bit of a rush job he forgot again

smick oh oh every year I hear some lame

excuse Moving Mountains floods peace

conferences but today we were just

shopping and he still forgot if I made

sure that's a one-way relationship

you're just setting yourself up for

disappointment it takes me for granted

me the one thing in this c*ck world

he can count on I hear you I mean some

mornings don't feel very evil

get out of bed every day whether you

like it or not and you destroy Souls

because

that's your job excuse me who's gonna

sign for the moon bounce

I just thought we could you know

never mind

tell me that doesn't look like a 747.

that's great dad what's that a Ford

yeah Dad you want to get a sitter and go

out Saturday night oh I'm sorry hun but

I've got this bachelor party thing I

canceled but Earl is such a dear friend

the invitation says Fred Fred of course

dear dear Fred okay I'm ready to go on

my sleepover I said no Megan which one

of you is driving we've been all through

mother you know it was a courtesy even

asking you about this this is my life

and no one could tell me how to live it

I am 13 years old well you make a

convincing case for yourself but the

answer is still no unbelievable

Megan you destroyed the Capitol building

thank God they weren't in session

I just don't want you coming back from

another bachelor party at 5am and

getting into a fist fight with the

paperboy what are you talking about or

standing on the hood of your car in your

underwear singing that Kenny Loggins

song from Top g*n that's a bunch of bull

just because I black out doesn't mean

you get to make this stuff up you want

me to get the video bob the tape proves

nothing no let's just see

right into the danger zone the danger

zone that could be anybody

there are a lot of women named Donna

get in the house plenty of people have

kids named Andy and Megan

I think you owe me an apology

I have a message for your friend Mr Big

pants hey I don't have time for this

tell him you can have the world I'm

through then I'm done I'm leaving and

I'm taking all the evil with me fine who

cares the world will be better off

without you

now you think so you think so a world

without evil let's just see

[Laughter]

I'm a queen

you know what I'm going to that bachelor

party and I don't want to hear another

word about it okie dokie and I'm right

what are you doing ironing your shirt

for the bachelor party tomorrow silly

you don't mind me going

of course not hun bun daddy Megan we

have been over and over this you can't I

just wanted to tell you how much I love

you good night Daddy goodnight Mommy

good night sweetie oh I almost went to

bed without hugging Andy I hope that

little Dickens is still awake

what the hell's going on around here

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

hi Bob God you've got to do something

when the devil said that he was going to

take evil out of the world I thought it

would be a good thing but this is crazy

oh I wouldn't worry about it too much

he'll probably just salt for a few days

it'll be a nice break for me give me a

chance to catch up on my reading seems

like I barely finished the New Yorker

when there's another one in my mailbox

so you're not bothered by this nope then

what are you doing down here stupid

machine ate my dollar and now I won't

give me my Clark Bar

the catalog set four weeks what heard of

shipment of dung don't you understand

smack listen I've been oh sure we don't

usually see you down here in

administration what's all this this

place is a pigsty I'm just one Beast

it's been hard to keep up with hell the

whole place doubled in size during the

80s but it's just the paperwork right I

didn't have to worry about the physical

operations do I I want to say no

oh

oh nice putt fill who's up for drinks at

the clubhouse

smack what was that well uh I that must

have been the horrible sound of the pit

of uh of the pit of actually that one

got away from me sir

[Music]

this is the fourth circle of hell

hey this is a tough course look at that

Fringe I mean you hit it in there and

you're looking at a 10 for sure

smack allow me sir

ah smack this isn't your fault

I'm to blame any chance I could Bank

this beating I've been too wrapped up in

the world and I've neglected hell well

no more

you want to see a tough course

watch this

[Music]

no one's breaking hard today God can

have her this is where I belong back in

the trenches I want to be Hands-On again

like in the early days when we're trying

to make a go of this place oh everyone

thought we were crazy just a couple of

demons with a dream yeah you and me a

pack of matches and a bag of briquettes

this will be my first project I'll

redesigned the fourth circle it'll be a

showpiece my Bellagio something that

brought hell back on the map of course

I'll need some help I'll be right by

your side not good enough

get me

Martha Stewart but sure he's on the

speed dial

foreign

God

this is more like you guys know what you

came for let's give it up for friends

parents

we're gonna give Fred some advice on

marriage from their 40 years together

what

no stripper well that'd be rude the

guy's getting married tomorrow and the

most important rule never go to bed

angry

[Applause]

you are a genius Martha I would have

just thrown those entrails away they

make a lovely addition to any chamber of

Horrors to any chamber of Horrors now

I've had a chance to look around at no

offense but no be brutal I'm so tired of

this look well now you've done a lot of

good work here the problem is it's all

over the place we need to unify the

suffering make it flow have you thought

about using your fires of Anguish to

light your caves of Despair you know I

never did I suggested that two years ago

she's not that good who's this I'm

nobody try to remember that now let's

get started first we need to lose the

whole chamber thing but I like the

chambers they're they're they're gone of

course I'll have to bring in my own

people no problem you can replace anyone

you like but let's remember who's boss

Here I Am The Devil you know I didn't

realize this was going to be a tug of

w*r well I was just I can work here but

you see that's that's that's that's

that's my

okay

[Music]

[Applause]

what are you doing here he's acting like

a baby a spoiled little baby the devil

who else I never should have let him

leave like that it's upset the whole

system tell me about it I mean a

bachelor party with no beer or naked

women that's just wrong I'm not sure

we're talking about the same thing what

are you talking about the spiritual

growth of humanity well isn't that just

a fancy way of saying the same thing

that I was saying be honest human beings

have to Grapple with good and evil for

the decisions to have weight without

evil in the world being good is

meaningless it's like when the Houston

Rockets won the championship when Jordan

was off playing baseball big whoop you

know what they've had enough of this

it's time someone told him to get over

this stupid birthday thing and grow up

to knock off the suck and get his butt

back to work before I are you getting

this down me well I'm not going down

there oh but gee I mean I don't know

that I'm all that comfortable with the

idea of going to hell all for Pete's

sake you've been to Branson Missouri

it's not that different well but how

will I get there oh that's easy Bob go

to hell

excuse me is this hell you know I never

really asked but you have to assume

it's about time put them over there what

my swatches aren't you the delivery boy

uh no then what good are you what good

are any of you must I do everything

myself

foreign

what's going on she's taken over it's

horrible is that a pants suit don't ask

well where's the devil in his hobby room

I hate for you to see him like this

[Music]

Lucifer

oh hello

nice to see you Bob sorry I'm not up to

entertaining but I don't get many

visitors these days

what do you think

it's awful really you think so smack

said it was fantastic

you must be wrong Bob I'm here to get

you to come back oh really yeah God said

that you should quit sulking and get

back to work

this is my work exploring the world of

the sad clown

you see the irony don't you

clown who's sad oh oh yeah yeah we

picked up on that I think what Bob is

saying is that God really misses you and

he's really sorry and he needs you

desperately can you just meet with him

should I

I mean one wants to do what one can it

seems ungracious not to hear him out

where does he want to meet uh I um I'm

having a barbecue oh great should I

bring anything no well people always say

that then you show up and everyone else

has brought something and you feel like

a schmuck

all right bring some wine

honey I need you to make a bunch of

things for a barbecue Pronto I'll get

right on it then I want you to take the

kids down to the basement for the rest

of the day you bet hon are you thinking

what I'm thinking

mom the radio said they're doing a hug

Across America today can we be part of

it even better as soon as I'm done

helping your father we'll go

hey

honey later tonight can we have sex well

okay

since you asked so nice

and by sex of course I mean clean

healthy love making staring deeply into

each other's eyes for hours and

meditating on the gift of procreation

you know what

maybe not

[Music]

hello round back

oh what's all this well I thought we

could have a barbecue did you talk to it

what did he say Yoo-hoo

something smells good you didn't tell me

he was coming here

I hope you like Chardonnay I didn't know

if you were having chicken or beef

hello hi

so I I hope you guys brought your

appetites we've got quite upset you had

something to tell me no

no I told Bob everything I wanted to say

to you Bob what's going on I thought you

said you know what let's do

let's play a round of croquet huh never

knew a problem that couldn't be solved

with a friendly round of croquet croquet

come on we're all a little tense I think

it'll relax us what do you say Lucifer I

don't know I came this far I guess I'm

willing if he is that's the spirit God I

think the devil's made a gesture

all right I'll play croquet I'll set up

the wickets I'm blue I wanted blue

Blue's my color that's who I'm always

blue well we certainly don't want to

disappoint you do we I called it you can

be red okay I made a gesture have you

made a gesture yet all right I'm blue

got your green Lucifer you're yellow now

I don't want to hear another word about

it yellow green

listen up people I just received word

that the hug has crossed the Continental

Divide and is traveling towards us at

the speed of love

[Applause]

please I'm supposed to believe you

forgot my birthday he's omniscient he

makes a good point wait a second

yeah yeah he makes a good point

God you know what I was set up here I

never agreed to this meeting okay God

God I'm feeling a lot of anger coming

from you and it's not the first time he

forgets every year oh I do not yes you

do every year ever since since when come

on get it out since he threw me out of

Heaven that has nothing to do with it

boy it sure feels like it does you

really don't want to piss me off Bob

okay you're scaring me but I think we're

getting close to Something Real here

back off you know they say anger is the

insulation we wrap around pain oh I like

that anger I'm not angry you knocked his

croquet ball through the Henderson's

Tool Shed what now I can't play to win

I'm sensing this goes back a while I

don't know what you're talking about he

threw me out of Heaven you were trying

to take over you were trying to destroy

me and take all of Heaven down with you

Lucifer is that how you remember it I

guess hey I was a kid

let me tell you something it was hard

growing up in his shadow knowing that

could be good but I'd never be good

enough mm-hmm

and how did that make you feel well

pretty bad you think maybe that's why

you turned to evil because you could

never live up to your father's goodness

oh wow

you're right that and

I really like evil

God could it be that you block his

birthday because it reminds you of what

he used to be to you

he was my best angel

my bright shining light well you never

told me that well I think he's telling

you now

happy birthday Lucifer thanks

boy

I feel like a like a weight's been

lifted

Dude too I really do yeah I think we all

do how did you get so good at this Bob

court ordered therapy on an open

container violation well I think we've

learned a lot today we've learned to

respect one another we've learned to be

patient some of us have learned the

definition of omniscient and we've

learned that there's no shame in

admitting that the two of you need each

other now can we toast to that

too good

to evil

[Music]

hey

Jerk get away from my mom

use your stupid bug

[Applause]

[Music]

this has been real nice Bob we should do

it again sometime yes absolutely as

Sunday mornings are always good for me

whoa where are you two going you're just

gonna leave me with this mess it was his

fault me you pushed over the picnic

table who threw the eyes chest I don't

care who did what to who if you don't

clean up you're not getting any pie and

it's French apple with the crumbly crust

and ice cream okay all right

you can hold the bag I didn't want to

hold the back it's demeaning look I've

already got the rake don't make me come

out there now he's mad again

[Music]

laughs

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