Jokes & Cigarettes (2023)

[bunniefuu]

JOKES & CIGARETTES

WARNING:

THE USE OF TOBACCO IN THIS FILM

REFLECTS THE HABITS

OF THE ERA DEPICTED.

SMOKING SERIOUSLY

DAMAGES YOUR HEALTH.

95, 100, 105,

110, 115, 120,

125, 130,

135, 140, 145...

and 150,000 pesetas.

Are you okay?

We're about to start.

The place is packed.

One minute, okay?

ALICANTE, 1980

I've often wondered

why comedians are so sad.

Let's set it up just as he likes it.

We need a table and stool

in the middle, next to the mic.

My dad launched this place.

He was called Quim.

Vodka and orange juice

in a tall glass.

And a packet of cigarettes,

a lighter and an ashtray.

Panchita!

That woman laughing,

move her closer to the stage

so people can see her.

Her laugh is contagious.

Good evening, how's it going?

Sorry, we're going to swap you

onto that table.

Good evening.

We're going to put you...

Everything okay?

Perfect.

You look serious tonight.

Did somebody die?

I'm going to tell you

a series of anecdotes,

or "acudits"

as we say in my Catalan tongue.

I hope you enjoy them.

Now for the pinnacle moment

of the wedding.

It's time for all that stuff:

"Eugenio Jofra, do you take so-and-so

to be your lawful wife, bla bla bla...

to have and to hold,

for this and that...?".

And you say:

"l do".

I do.

I don't know

why you wear them if they hurt.

What can I do?

They cost an arm and a leg.

Then we do the same with you.

"In sickness and in health,

bla bla bla...".

And then we do the rings.

Do you have the rings?

Sorry.

Sorry, I didn't think

this would take so long

and I've got to meet my mum

to do some shopping.

Of course, off you go.

- See you later?

- Yes, but I wanted to talk to you.

We're having dinner with my mother.

Don't be late, please.

You know how she gets.

Do you know how to say

mothers-in-law in Russian?

Nastydovich

Are you okay?

No, I'm messed up.

I've noticed these last few weeks.

When we're about to take

such a big step in life

it's normal to feel

as if we're standing on the edge

of a massive cliff.

- A cliff?

- Yes.

And no matter how high it is,

how much vertigo

the thought of falling gives you,

God is by your side.

He's got you,

he's holding onto you tightly.

We're still getting conflicting accounts

of the situation in La Higuera, Bolivia.

CIA agents

and soldiers of the Bolivian army

claim to have k*lled

the Argentine-Cuban guerrilla

Ernesto Che Guevara.

THE LARGEST NUCLEAR TESCARRIED OUT SO FAR BY THE UNITED STATES

Excuse me.

Have my seat.

No, no, no,

I'm not that old.

It's not that,

mine's the next stop.

- Ah, thank you, then.

- Sit down.

- Is that a machine g*n in there?

- No.

- It looks like it.

- It's a guitar.

We're peaceful people here.

Sit down. Are you okay?

- Thanks.

- You're welcome. Bye.

Stop!

Stop the bus!

Stop, stop!

In that small caf

which wards away

the light from the street

and wise people,

I found your gaze,

melancholic and distant,

like the mist rising on the port

in the early morning.

I took one of your hands

and you followed me into the night

like a little lost dog

begging for affection.

You filled the sadness in my bed

with colours...

Excuse me. A packet of cigarettes

and a beer, please.

Sunset reds and greens

from Galicia.

And my place was

your place too.

You were young and beautiful.

We started our game

and I fell in love with you

little by little.

I got used to your name,

little by little,

your heat and your words,

the sound of your footsteps

climbing the stairs

and your way

of setting the table.

The smell of your hands

and how every night

they enveloped my body...

I'm so sorry.

...like a thin gauze.

But everything fell apart

when I heard you say:

"I'm going to look for the sun.

The house is very dark".

"Nobody is waiting for me.

Thank you for everything, Joan".

You were young and beautiful.

He suddenly left

and I lost him

little by little.

May 1?

- Do you play?

- Play what?

The guitar.

No, not the guitar.

But I'll learn if we start a duo.

Me on backing vocals, of course.

I think the speed limit

in Barcelona is 30 miles/hour.

Are you already in a duo?

Right now, I sing alone.

You're not local.

Where are you from?

- ls my Catalan that bad?

- Quite the opposite.

You're southern, right?

The prettiest brunette

in Sierra Morena.

You'll get a fine.

I meant it about starting a band.

Really?

Well, for now, I'll take a beer.

Okay.

Excuse me.

- Yes?

- Two, please.

Thank you.

Do you really sing?

I'd like to,

but I work at a jewellery workshop.

I studied to be a surveyor,

but I look after old people

with the Red Cross.

Getting old

has to have at least one perk.

You seem shy.

But then...

I also seem ugly,

but then...

Don't judge a book by its cover.

So, tell me

about these backing vocals?

CHRISTMAS, 1968

The bells are ringing midnight.

The baby king has been born,

Mary's son.

The holy child has been born,

Mary's son.

Mary's son.

There's a starry sky.

The world is frozen,

it's snowing and the wind is howling.

The world is frozen,

it's snowing and the wind is howling.

It's snowing and the wind is howling.

I only came here in the summer

to stay with my mother's family,

but they're my favourite memories.

I can't imagine you as a child.

I can imagine you.

Look.

I made this for you.

Do you like the name

I came up with for our duo?

The Two.

Second place, that's great!

How about it, Dad?

What's all this nonsense

about singing now?

Oh, Dad, don't be such a pain.

Here.

The cheese you like.

- We've been signed by Belter.

- What?

Really?

They did Victor Manuel's records.

And Manolo Escobar.

Can you live off the duo?

Don't give up your jewellery,

you're good at it.

Living off

singing Christmas carols...

How pathetic.

No, we'll record

more serious songs now.

Eugenio has good ideas:

adapting Catalan classics.

Like those Nova cango guys.

I love Serrat.

He's so handsome!

Aren't you going to do

anything serious with your life?

Really?

Remember what Grandpa told me:

"You'll make a fortune

with that voice".

Rubbish.

Pay no notice, Conchita.

Shall I show you the house?

Come with me.

Come on, this way.

Let me help you.

These are Eugenio's things

from when he was little.

Okay, but come down,

you might fall.

I'd rather I fell than you.

Because you're pregnant, right?

It's too early to tell people.

It's written all over your face.

Women get prettier!

Look, this was his.

All of it.

From school?

School?

I don't know what he told you,

but he was a terrible student.

They're jokes.

He's always written them down.

Jokes he heard around.

Okay?

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Your mum's coming at full pelt.

- Congratulations.

- Congratulations, son.

What's all this?

- How's Mummy doing?

- Great.

Mummy's in there.

How exciting, love!

Mum, you didn't have to come.

It's a long journey by yourself.

You don't get

a new grandson every day.

What have you called him?

Gerard.

Gerard?

What kind of name is that?

Is it French?

You've set the poor chap up

for a hard life.

We could name him after me?

No, not Eugenio.

No way.

Excuse me for saying so,

but your name

is uglier than a mud fence.

Let's see.

What a cutie!

- And you. You look lovely!

- Mum...

Paul McCartney has announced

that the Beatles are splitting up.

Paul is reportedly preparing

a solo album without his bandmates

John, George and Ringo.

The Spanish painter, Pablo Picasso,

is to donate 900 of his works

to the city of Barcelona.

This type of thing...

I guess I could keep

these three in storage.

But only because it's you,

this stuff doesn't sell.

And an advance payment?

That's not how we work.

Yes, I know.

Come on, come here.

Come here, sweetie.

We haven't had many shows this month.

Let's see what we can do.

Thank you.

I forgot to say:

your record is great.

Your voice is just...

You should be famous!

Green vineyards in my heart.

Green vineyards in my heart.

Green vineyards by the sea.

Green at dawn.

Soft green at dusk.

Always keeping us company.

Green vineyards by the sea.

Green vineyards...

by the sea.

Thanks. Thank you so much.

- This song is from our latest record.

- Gerard, sweetie. The bottle.

It's a classic from Catalan poetry,

Green vineyards by the sea.

If you don't know the language,

you could translate it as:

Surfing U.S.A.,

and we'd probably sell more records.

We're Els Dos.

We could be called Els Tres,

as we have a permanent third member.

The person next to me,

or rather, over there,

is Conchita Alcaide.

The prettiest brunette

in Sierra Morena.

One of those women

who's good at almost everything,

except choosing a husband.

The other day,

it was our anniversary

and to celebrate, I said:

I'm going to k*ll a chicken today".

She said:

"What's the poor chicken done?

k*ll your cousin, he introduced us".

Like the wind moving away,

like the wind that arrives,

every night,

one by one,

a time and a past dies.

A part of my life disappears.

I burn part of my cry.

But I'm starting a new day,

the night is now old.

Like the piercing wind,

like the transparent wind,

that complains in the forest

and then quickly flees.

Every day that goes by

leaves an aftertaste of a memory,

but you don't have to dwell on it,

the day has already died.

Listen.

You go by yourself.

- What?

- l want to strangle them.

They're doing nothing for us,

they haven't paid us a penny.

They're stealing the bread

from our son's hands.

Come on, Eugenio,

don't get so melodramatic.

Exactly, you go and talk to them.

Get them to pay us what we've sold.

That's all I want.

I really have to go alone?

You know I'm useless at these things.

What's more, taking him in

isn't very professional.

Right. I see.

You're shy when it suits you.

You've got a nerve!

What sales, Conchita?

What sales?

If you want, you can take

the ones that have been sent back.

Accept it, Conchita.

No matter what Eugenio says,

female soloists are the latest craze:

Massiel, Maria Ostiz...

Have you heard

of a girl called Cecilia?

We're doing what we can.

Look, you can't always

have a family and a career,

I'm just being honest.

Well, I'm expecting my second.

There's no way, then.

I haven't even told him yet.

Think about it, Conchita.

By yourself, we could try

something more ambitious,

but with the duo...

I don't know,

we've already discussed this.

No, no, no.

You have to pay whoever it takes

to get us on the TV and radio.

You do it for others.

We want to feel

like you have faith in us,

that there's a future.

If not, we're out.

Let us go.

There is something

that might interest you.

Television Espanola

is holding a competition

for the next

Eurovision representatives.

Big names are entering.

It will give you visibility.

And we have a song by the same writer

as Vivo cantando by Salom.

I don't know...

I'd have to talk to Eugenio,

it has to be the right song...

In Spanish, of course.

You saw what happened

when we did La, /a, la in Catalan.

The song is a perfect fit.

Want to hear it?

- Marta.

- Yes, boss?

Bring me Sonreir y trabajar.

Smile, work,

it's a song to the future,

the hope of a home,

my reason for living.

I know I'm very happy,

my heart can't lie to me.

The wood, for me,

is like a song.

All of a man's dreams

can be achieved,

from a small cradle

to an imposing altar.

When a new day is born

so is hope itself.

That's why I sing to life,

that's why I sing to love.

Smile, work,

it's a song to the future,

the hope of a home,

my reason for living.

We just heard La balada del maderero

sung by the duo, Los Dos.

It's time for the next performance.

Artist: Nino Bravo.

Song: Un beso y una flor.

I'll leave my land for you

I'll leave my fields and I'll go

far away from here.

I'll cross the garden in tears

and I'll take your memories

far away from here.

I'll spend my days

thinking about your smiles.

At night,

the stars will keep me company.

You'll be like a light

that lights up my way.

I'm leaving, but I swear

I'll be back again tomorrow...

It's lovely.

- You like it?

- A lot.

I love it.

We don't stand a chance.

Not unless...

- What?

- The jury are deaf.

The stones along the way.

The things we love

will always be left behind.

Hello, do you have any sunglasses?

A guy

with craters on his face says...

NOVEMBER, 1975

... I have the good ones

that polarise the sunbeam

if it's no more than 37 degrees

above your visual inclination

so it doesn't

reach your retina directly,

the image is reflected outwards

concavely and eliminated.

Now he pauses...

And boom.

He's like a metronome.

They're American polarising glasses.

Where's your sister?

She's always on time.

We'll be late.

Leave your nails, Gerard.

Can I come with you?

- No.

- But there's no school tomorrow.

No, you're staying with your aunty.

She'll be here any second.

You did tell her, didn't you?

Can I come, Dad?

Okay, you're coming.

I forgot to call her, sorry.

We're going with Dad.

Lord, grant me patience.

They'll behave.

It's no place for kids.

...50 they un-eye your eye,

they angle your eye.

Like the wind.

Like the wind.

Like the wind.

Like the wind.

Thank you.

Your beer, boss.

Great.

Have a seat, Lu.

- For this next song...

- Enjoy yourself.

our son is going to join us.

Gerard.

- Just family tonight.

- It's quiet, yes.

He's better at this than school.

I was the same.

I remember when the teacher

called me up to the board and said:

"What's two plus two?"

And I said:

"Well, I'd need more information...".

Is it true

that Dad didn't like school?

He didn't,

but you do,

I'll make sure of it.

I want to get into show business too.

Show business.

Bad habits are contagious, it seems.

Gerard, your nails!

What's going on, Mum?

Franco's dying...

Do your nice face.

Go ahead.

FRANCO IS DEAD

GRAPHIC JOKES

Here, Joan.

Your usual signal

will fall without raising

hurricanes of fear

in the face of freedom.

We will walk the way

on the same path

putting our shoulders together

to lift up

those who fell

crying out for freedom.

Mateu, I'll have a couple of those

and two packets of cigarettes.

You know there's a guy

waiting for a heart transplant

and the doctor makes him choose

between that of a young 20-year-old

who just died and that of Franco.

The guy only goes

and chooses Franco's.

This again?

Stop pestering him with your jokes.

And when the doctor asks him:

"Out of the two options,

why did you choose Franco's heart?"

The guy said: "Well, that's easy.

Franco's heart has never been used".

Honestly...

By the way, tell your wife

her mum called yesterday.

- She says to call her.

- Will do.

Come on, drink your milk.

Good news: no school today.

Yes!

Good!

It happened?

I want one.

And now what?

We'd better stay in,

things could get messy.

I doubt it.

He died in his bed, after all.

I'm going to lie down

for a while too.

Now?

Gerard!

Don't stuff yourself,

you'll explode!

Do you like it?

And call your mum when you can!

Okay!

- Dad. Dad?

- What?

Can I lie down with you for a bit?

Okay.

But only if you tell me a story

to send me to sleep, little rascal.

I'm telling you, no!

There's no concert without Conchita.

What on earth are you thinking?

That's what I told her.

What do we do, then?

She's my mum, she's ill.

I have to go for a few days.

Fine. You can start up again

when you get back.

Amadeu, this is our living.

Eugenio can do it by himself.

Without you?

- I'm not singing without you.

- What will the boys eat, then?

We can't cancel.

Eugenio by himself won't work.

Have you seen

the competition in Barcelona

since the Caudillo died?

People are out on the streets.

On every stage,

there's a protest singer,

a tr*nsv*stite,

a comedian doing impressions...

Freedom's all very well,

but there's not enough to go around.

It doesn't add up.

It's just a patch.

Just for a couple of weeks.

Who would want

to listen to me by myself?

You don't have to sing

the whole time.

Talk.

Tell your anecdotes.

People find you funny.

They laugh because they don't expect

to hear anything funny,

especially from a face like mine.

When you go out there

trying to be funny, it's different.

- The audience is cruel.

- Come on.

It'll work, you'll see.

Jokes? That's out of fashion.

If you want, we can try one night.

But I'll only pay you half.

Why?

By yourself,

you won't be up there for as long.

So, we get paid an hourly wage,

like a brothel.

What do you think we are, Eugenio?

What do you think we are?

Get them to school on time.

Your sister will look after them

as many nights as we need.

Yes, we'll be fine.

Bye, boys.

Look after Dad.

Don't get on his nerves,

I know you.

I'll be back when Grandma's better.

My love!

Don't go!

Don't abandon us!

The boys need you!

Especially the little one!

And this one too!

I can't remember his name.

Don't run off with another man!

We're your family.

What will we do without you?

Well, what now?

Hot chocolate and churros?

- Yes!

- Okay?

They do the best hot chocolate

here in la Barceloneta.

Dad, were you looking

at that woman's bum?

Me? No.

No.

A guy sees a hot girl going past.

He's a dirty old man,

so he looks at her and says:

"Check out that booty!"

And his son, holding his hand,

says: "What did you say, Dad?

Did you say booty?".

He says: "No...

I said Woody, the woodpecker".

They keep walking, and his son says:

"What's a woodpecker, Dad?"

"A woodpecker is a garden bird,

about this size,

with a small head,

round eyes,

and a long beak

which it drums on the trees".

A while later: "Dad?".

"Yes, son?".

"Do woodpeckers have wives?".

"Yes, son.

Woodpeckers have wives".

"What are they like, Dad?"

"Well, son,

they're about the same size,

with a small head,

round eyes,

and a long beak

which they drum on the trees".

A while later: "Dad?".

"Yes, son?".

"Do woodpeckers have sons?".

"Yes, son...

they have sons, too".

"What are they like, Dad?"

"Well, they're smaller,

with a small head,

round eyes,

and a long beak

which they drum on the trees".

A while later: "Dad?".

"Yes, son?".

"Do they have daughters?".

"Yes, son...

they have daughters, too".

"What are they like, Dad?"

"The same size as the sons,

with a small head,

round eyes,

and a long beak

which they drum on the trees".

A while later: "Dad?"...

"Booty! I said booty!

Okay?"

Good one.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Now I'll sing another song.

No!

No more songs!

Jokes. Jokes!

Jokes.

Come on, gentlemen,

we're closing!

Forget the songs, listen to me.

People want to hear jokes.

Has it gone?

Yes.

He's taking away my headache.

Vicente, you tell him.

You agree with me, right?

This is what Vicente does.

He manages singers,

artists, comedians...

Instead of an artist,

you could be a healer.

Amadeus right.

You need to close the show better.

Grab them by the throat.

Look...

I have a duo with my wife.

We sing.

Today was just an accident.

When they invented the wheel

that was an accident too.

Look, if you're interested,

we can sit down and discuss it.

A little present for you.

TALENT AGENWho are you angry with?

We're not going

until you drink your milk.

- Good morning.

- Morning.

Morning.

Thanks.

Good morning.

Conchita obviously lets you come home

at this hour, but not me.

So?

Did your aunty behave?

- Yes.

- I don't have to tell her off?

How was the show, Dad?

I don't know.

What's up with him?

He says his tummy hurts.

Your tummy hurts?

He's telling tales.

That's what's up.

Let's see.

Kneel on the chair.

Show me your tummy.

Good.

Hang on.

Don't move a muscle.

Come on, get ready,

we have to go.

Don't think

I'm taking them to school.

Well? Any better?

You're a doctor too now?

Dad does magic.

Magic, eh?

I'm going to tell you some anecdotes.

I hope you like them.

If you're too ill for school,

you're too ill to play on that thing.

So now you're coughing?

Let her play.

- These shoes are k*lling me...

- You have delicate feet.

But I have the legs of a 20-year-old.

As delicate

and pretty as a butterfly.

You fool!

A guy goes to the countryside

to catch butterflies

and suddenly,

while chasing a butterfly,

he trips and falls over a cliff

with a 1500-metre drop.

Down he goes,

but when he gets to 20 metres

he's lucky enough

to grab onto a branch

and is left hanging there.

He starts to shout:

"Anyone there?"

And the echo replies:

"There, there, there, there..."

"Anyone there?"

And the echo says:

"There, there, there, there..."

For the third time,

in desperation, he shouts:

"Help! Anyone there?"

Then, a piercing, deep voice,

full of personality, says:

"Yes, my son. It's God here.

Loosen your grip,

let yourself fall.

Before your body hits the ground,

I'll send 40,000 higher angels

under the command

of my dear archangel Saint Gabriel

who will flap their powerful wings

and, overcoming the law of gravity,

by sucking in the air,

will propel you back up

to your starting point".

And the guy says:

"Okay, thanks,

but is there anyone else?"

And that guy

who's waiting for a heart transplant,

the doctor calls him and says:

"Look, you can choose

between the heart

of a young 20-year-old

or a 95-year-old banker,

they both just died".

The singer, Cecilia,

whose real name

was Evangelina Sobredo,

died yesterday at 6:30 a.m.

- in a car accident...

- How terribly sad.

...in Colinas de Trasmonte,

in the province of Zamora.

The 27-year-old singer

was coming back from a live concert

which would turn out to be her last.

It's not right.

She was in the prime of life.

...the long list of big artists

who have died in road accidents

like the singer Nino Bravo

three years ago.

Daughter of a soldier and diplomat,

Cecilia had an itinerant childhood

in several countries.

It was a nun who...

Remember when you won that

on the radio competition?

Promise me you'll never stop singing.

Go back to Barcelona

and fight to make it happen.

I have to be here with you now, Mum.

Your sisters are here.

You have your career

and your life in Barcelona.

Get on the train back tomorrow.

Mum...

One friend says to another:

"Hey, does your wife shout a lot

when you're making love?".

He says: "She bloody well does,

sometimes I hear her from the bar".

He's good, you know.

The doctor said

the tumour is terminal.

Nothing can be done.

I don't know, love,

I have to stay.

I'll bring the boys.

No, I want the boys

to remember her full of life,

not sick like the is now.

They can stay with my sister

and I'll come by myself.

You? No.

No, my love,

you're no good with these things.

I spoke to Amadeu,

he said you're doing really well,

you need four or five more shows

to gain confidence,

but it's going really well.

No, no.

Come back right away, please.

I get so anxious

before I go on stage.

I seize up.

I get the cold sweats.

Come on. Stage fright? Really?

You've been singing

on stage for years.

It's not the same.

Their eyes intimidate me.

Their gaze demands

that I make them laugh.

Singing is different.

People's eyes intimidate you?

Wear dark glasses, then.

No more excuses.

A man goes into an optician's and says:

"I'd like some glasses".

The optician says: "Of course,

for short or long distance?"

He said: "No, just around here,

the province of Huesca".

Train to Madrid on platform three.

A guy goes into a clothes shop

and asks: "Excuse me,

do you have any camouflage suits?".

They say: "Yes, sir,

but we've been looking for them

for two years".

Here.

- Sorry. Thanks, good evening.

- Good evening.

- Hi. Is this the queue to get in?

- For the second session.

The second session?

"Hello,

is this the NASA secret service?",

"That's right, sir",

"Can you put Montse on, please".

Hi, Conchita.

What's all this stuff?

I'll put it in the back.

- Sorry.

- He dies on a Monday and thinks:...

- Thanks.

- "That's a good start to the week".

- Excuse me.

- Yes.

Excuse me.

I went to the doctor's

to give up smoking,

because I have a horrible cough

in the morning.

The doctor prescribed me some pills

to stop me wanting to smoke.

Well, it worked: Now I smoke

without wanting to.

I'm sorry about your mum.

And that husband who comes home

to find his wife

in bed with another man.

He says:

"Hey, what's he doing here?".

She replied: "Wonderful things,

that's what he's doing!".

Conchita,

I want you to meet somebody.

He asked: "How's your German?".

I said: "He's fine, he sends his love".

Vicente, this is Conchita.

- Hello.

- It's a pleasure.

Look!

Vicente being my manager

is one thing,

him running our lives is another.

I'll talk to him.

We can do an introduction with songs.

No, no.

Vicente wants to sell your show.

- But it was just a patch.

- It's not and you know it.

Why have you been writing down jokes

since you were little?

I did it during military service

so I didn't get bored.

- Hi, Mum!

- Hi, Dad!

The audience have fun with you.

That's what's important.

I'm not a comedian.

But you make people laugh.

But I find it really hard.

I freeze, my hands start shaking...

I don't know where to start.

Goodness gracious me...

Use your shyness,

like you always have done,

and if your mind goes blank...

just raise an eyebrow.

I love that thing you do

when you're nervous.

That's it!

Dad, can we buy sweets?

No, we've already spent enough today.

Let me see.

Here. Off you go.

Great.

What?

We're going to be rich, baby.

I, Adolfo Suarez...

DECEMBER, 1977

...entrust my destiny

to the Supreme.

How about that, Felipe?

It's unbelievable!

You get away with everything.

The country

is eating out of your hand.

And I will be

the next President of the Government.

The country can rest assured

that I'll be the person

that ensures democracy here.

I'm neither monarchic or republican.

I'm a "monarchican".

And if you don't understand me,

try to understand each other.

That's what democracy is, damn it!

Here.

This will complete

your funerary look.

Like it?

The man in black.

They told me

there's almost a thousand people here.

- That's crazy!

- It won't work with so many people.

I need a small space,

with them close to me.

He gets the jitters

five minutes before he goes on,

then he calms down.

Artists are strange beings.

They all deal with it

the best way they know how.

Why don't you always start

with the same phrase?

It will help you to relax.

Take a breath and say:

"You know that one about...".

One thousand people.

If they don't laugh,

it'll be a disaster.

Lord, grant me patience.

I'll check out the scene.

Thank you.

What's wrong, my love?

How does it feel

to be married to a clown?

Idiot.

Don't you feel like

they switched your husband?

You'll be great.

Good evening.

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

You know that one about...

a man who goes to confession,

kneels down

in front of the priest and says:

"Father, do you set apart

women from evil?".

The priest says:

"Yes, son".

I'll take two for Saturday, please".

...protest for the amnesty

of political prisoners...

The renovation and the transfer alone

will cost a fortune.

Explain it to her.

The numbers make sense.

In this country, serving drinks

is the only business that's safe.

It's an investment.

I'll still perform in other places

that Vicente finds for me.

This will be our safety cushion.

You can sing here.

I'm thinking of starting a new band,

have good musicians play with you.

This telling jokes business

won't last forever.

Well, this place has potential.

Ol!

Those surveyor studies

are starting to show!

I don't know... It's a big risk.

You have to put your all

into running a venue.

I can already see them all

sitting here.

It'll be fantastic,

you'll have a loyal audience.

We can give new people a chance, too.

With your hands

and with your love,

I'll manage to find another dream:

right here.

You'll change the name, right?

Why?

Sausalito. I love it.

Sausalito.

Can l do it?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the best comedian in the world:

Eugenio!

What's that?

Good evening.

Today, I'm going to tell you

a series of jokes

in the same elated way as usual

because, as you will have noticed,

I'm really happy today.

Two drunks in the early hours.

One says to the other:

"Hey, I've had a perfect idea,

let's start a bar business".

The other says:

"A bar, what a great idea,

but what if it doesn't work?".

"If it doesn't work,

we'll open it to the public!.

You can get dressed.

We'll repeat the test.

If our worst fears

are confirmed, Conchita,

we'll have to remove the tumour.

- My breast?

- Yes, I'm afraid so.

Did you come by yourself?

Yes, I don't want

to worry anyone unnecessarily.

Your family history isn't good.

- You said your mother also...

- Yes, two years ago.

Practically overnight.

You know that one about the man

who goes to the doctor's

and the doctor says to him:

I have some bad news,

you only have two months to live".

The man replies:

"Goodness, doctor...

Can we make it

July and August?".

And the one about the colonel

in the barracks who says to the major:

"Tomorrow, at 10:30 a.m.,

there'll be a solar eclipse.

It doesn't happen every day.

I want the soldiers in the yard

in their battle uniforms...".

- Good evening. Is everything okay?

- Yes.

Can I offer you a drink?

It's on the house.

No, thank you.

I already have one.

Okay.

Don't you like the show?

Yes, it's really funny.

I'd heard that it was.

I would like to speak

to the artist in person.

To tell him something.

I'm his wife.

Really?

Living with someone like that

can't be easy at all.

...they'll eclipse the colonel

in the yard.

It's a shame

that doesn't happen every day".

Let me take that.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- How many cards do you have?

- I have 15,000.

- Did he make them up?

- No, he wrote them down.

He had a boring job at the bank.

I don't know

what to do with all of it.

I thought somebody like you...

might be interested.

I'm definitely interested,

as long as the price...

I suppose you'd know

better than anyone

if they're worth anything.

Did he ever tell the jokes,

even just in private?

Well,

Jordi wasn't particularly funny,

but he wrote down any jokes

that he heard.

He couldn't bear forgetting them.

He was very methodical.

Jordi also collected erotic postcards.

I don't know

if that would interest you too.

Don't you feel lonely

here by yourself?

I also felt lonely sometimes

with my husband by my side.

What do you think?

Just like Picasso.

Picasso's sister

had the same name as me, you know.

Conchita?

Did she paint, too?

When she was little, she got sick

with something called diphtheria

and Picasso, who was only 13,

but already painted really well,

made a promise to God:

if He saved his sister,

he'd even give up painting,

the thing he liked doing most.

And she died.

Maybe God preferred

that Picasso kept painting.

Maybe, yes. Maybe.

Yes, I can!

- Hear his laugh?

- Yes.

Hello. This way, please.

I'll put you on a table

next to the stage.

Great, every time I come

there's never anywhere free.

I thought I recognised your face.

You're his wife, right?

Sometimes I try to tell stories

like your husband, but it's not easy.

You have to be funny to do that,

you're a bore.

Come on, now...

You'll see, he's incredible.

He's more like an undertaker

than a comedian.

We're selling tapes of the show.

- I'll take one. How much are they?

- One hundred.

Who's this smart kid?

Is he your son? He's so cute.

Yes, our oldest. Gerard.

You know what?

I'll take another for a friend.

You're a good little businessman.

- Want to be a producer?

- No, an artist, like my parents.

You too?

I used to sing.

Listen to this.

It's that comedian from Barcelona.

I can't stand joke tellers...

- You'll see.

- A man goes to the tax office

and says: "Excuse me,

is this where I do my declaration?"

The lady says: "Yes".

"Here I go then:

I'm in love with your eyes,

I'm in love with your ways.

Baby, without your love,

I won't survive another day".

Radio Lugo,

how can I help you?

One second.

Roberto, another person

asking the same.

- What's this comedian's name?

- Eugenio.

He's called Eugenio, ma'am.

Yes, Eugenio.

Just as it sounds.

I'm not sure if it's his real name,

I can't know everything.

We'll discharge you this morning.

We'll monitor you.

It's important

that it doesn't spread.

Okay?

Okay.

Don't make yourself late, love.

It's your first day.

I don't know if I want to go.

We've discussed this.

It's a chance

to be seen by lots of people.

If they see me on the telly,

they won't come to the bar.

- l can leave, if you want.

- No, doctor.

He's been offered

a slot on the telly

and now he's scared and anxious.

The telly?

You can't turn down the telly.

It's the future.

After this advice

about looking after plants...

Gerard, Ivens, it's starting!

Let me introduce

our new collaborator.

He may seem serious and reserved

but I assure you

he'll have you chuckling in no time.

Here's Eugenio.

Shall I start?

He's gone blank.

No, there's no audience.

I told Vicente it wouldn't work,

it's too harsh.

Say something, Dad!

You know that one about a family

who were driving a Seat 600

down the Ametlla del Valls motorway

and were stopped by the police:

"Good afternoon, sir.

We've been following you

for half an hour,

congratulations,

you're a fantastic driver.

The Traffic Department

is awarding you 50,000 pesetas.

What's the first thing

you'll do with the money?"

"Get my driving licence,

I don't have one".

Then, his wife,

sitting next to him, says:

I knew

you shouldn't drink and drive".

And the grandmother in the back,

a little deaf, says:

[ told you we wouldn't get far

with a stolen car".

Hey, beardy,

fancy ending the night on a high?

Eugenio!

I saw you on the telly!

You crack me up,

you really do!

Never change!

f*cking great!

What's your idea?

It's very simple:

a record of jokes,

with a cassette tape edition

that could work on a small scale.

All the big comedians are doing it.

Eugenio is worried

that if they've already

heard his jokes,

they won't want to see him live.

His repertoire will run out one day,

it's not infinite.

Exactly.

But the bar proves you wrong:

the same people

who buy the tape come back.

And we're offering

a very healthy advance payment.

And if it doesn't work,

it's our problem.

A failed investment,

end of story.

We cancelled

Monica Randall's programme

after three broadcasts.

Eugenio wants his talent

to be enjoyed in person.

How about this:

I'll do it if,

between the jokes,

we put

two or three of Conchita's songs.

Music and comedy?

Water and oil don't mix.

It's my one condition.

If not, we forget it.

Jokes and songs.

We do it like that

or there's no deal.

Jokes... and songs.

You know that one about the woman

who goes to see a fortune teller

a psychic,

to get her future read.

The fortune teller says:

"Your husband will be tall,

handsome, blond and generous".

"Oh, great.

What do I do with the one I've got?".

Bye.

Quickly.

Hey.

Six times nine?

Come on.

Very good.

Today, we've left our studios

to visit a bar called Sausalito.

Every night,

this cosy venue in Barcelona

fills up with people

who come to see a special character

who's making half the world laugh.

Not the other half

because they don't know him yet.

Eugenio, how many jokes

do you know by heart?

Five or six thousand...

I've never counted.

And what's the secret

to telling jokes well?

Because not everybody can do it.

I don't know.

I guess the secret

is that I'm all the characters.

I'm all of them.

The husband, the wife,

the madman, the drunk...

And don't you ever laugh?

Only when I get paid.

People may ask themselves:

Why do you do this professionally,

tell jokes?

I don't know

if you can make a good living.

Half of the people tell jokes

and the other half suffer them.

It wasn't my plan.

I was a jeweller.

Then, a singer.

Actually, I had a duo

with my wife, Conchita.

I guess it was just destiny.

What did you want to be

when you grew up, Eugenio?

Me?

When I grew up?

That's a tricky question.

I wanted to be a child.

I'm going to ask you,

everybody's expecting it,

as you can imagine,

to tell us one of your jokes.

Yes, of course.

You know that one about the guy

who said: "Lord, grant me patience...

I mean now!".

EUGENIO - JOKES AND SONGS

OVER 400,000 TAPES SOLD

There's nothing we can do.

Back then, the advance payment

really blew our minds.

But it's daylight robbery.

They've sold thousands of tapes,

we haven't seen a penny.

Everybody knows you

thanks to those tapes.

I don't want to be known,

I want to get paid.

Two down.

Know what we could do?

Record another tape.

A different one.

Even though we'd be competing

against ourselves,

at least we'd get paid per copy.

The whole of Madrid

is coming to the premiere.

And the other three days

are practically sold out.

I thought we could start

with jokes about Catalans.

I've heard they like jokes

about Catalans in Madrid.

As long as you avoid politics,

sex or complicated things...

Be true to your style.

Clean jokes for all audiences.

We get to Madrid at 7 a.m.

Use the journey to relax.

You won't find a more special plan.

It makes you buzz,

it makes you cry,

it makes you laugh.

Everybody is happy

at night-time in Madrid.

That was great.

A Catalan comedian, I think.

You know that one about the Catalan

who finds a plaster

and cuts himself

so as not to waste it.

There's a married couple.

She says to him:

"Jordi, take me to the cinema".

"Again?", he says.

She says:

"It has sound now, you know".

EUGENIO DEBUTS IN MADRID

"This Eugenio filled the venue

and I've no idea why.

I can't see why anybody

would like his jokes,

most of which we already know.

On top of that, he's very slow,

sad, monotone

and has no stage presence.

He said: "Do you know what the people

from San Sebastian are called?".

"Not all of them, no".

Pay no notice.

The others liked you more.

I hope so.

To last in this business,

you have to not care

what other people think.

The deal we've made

with Un, dos, tres

could even

catapult you over the pond.

I'll make a k*lling

and then take a break for a while.

Conchita and the boys need me.

How is she?

What have the doctors said?

She's good.

Conchita's really strong, but...

Great, because you have to

make the most of this streak.

Success is a train that comes along

once in a lifetime.

Let me introduce you.

They're coming with us

for a seafood platter at El Corinto.

Paquita and Marina.

Patricia and Mari Jos.

That's right.

Meet the best comedian in Spain.

May he rest in peace.

Hello?

- Hey, little rascal.

- How are you?

- Fine.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

What's your brother up to?

He's painting.

And Mum? Is she still asleep?

She was in bed

all day yesterday too.

- You didn't go to school today?

- Yes, Aunty took us,

but we're back home now,

it's almost 3 p.m.

Will Mum's hair really all fall out?

Listen.

See what you think,

I've got a new one.

One guy says to another:

"How do you stay so young?"

The other says:

I never disagree with anybody".

The first says:

"That can't be it".

And the other replies:

"No, that can't be it, then".

Didn't you get it?

He doesn't disagree with anybody.

- Not even with the person...

- I got it, Dad.

Good, son.

Good.

Hungover?

Our little secret.

It's real hair.

They're custom-made.

Real hair?

Yes, people sell their hair

and we make them to order.

They're calling you.

We need to talk, okay?

They're saying

you have to dress up as a Roman.

Me? No f*cking way.

The boss wants everyone dressed up.

Today's programme

is on the Roman Empire.

Look, Eugenio doesn't dress up,

he doesn't sing,

dance, do impressions,

tell political or erotic jokes.

Or ones about pansies.

But I'll get in trouble.

Don't worry,

I'll talk to whoever I need to.

No! The girls' skirts

have to be shorter.

It's like they're off to a funeral.

How many times do I have to say it?

Spain wants to see flesh. Flesh!

Like this.

Can somebody please tell me

why Eugenio isn't dressed?

- His sketch is on next.

- He doesn't want to.

- What?

- Can we talk in private, please?

There's no time for this nonsense.

- Put the toga on.

- Listen.

I think the funny thing is that,

even in the Roman Empire,

on the Star Trek spacecraft

and even

when the Titanic's going down,

I'm me.

Understand?

Eugenio is funny

because he's unperturbed.

That's my character.

Fine.

Let's start the show!

Let's go!

They say that the first

anthology of jokes in history

was commissioned

by Alexander the Great's father.

But it was in Ancient Rome

that the joke

became one of the fine arts.

And speaking of people

who know a lot about jokes,

there's somebody

in our Roman Forum...

Welcome, Eugenio!

APPLAUSE

Anything to tell us?

A joke, maybe?

Maybe.

A guy goes to the opticians

and the optician says:

"What letter can you see?"

and the guy says:

"The letter A".

"Please look carefully".

"The letter A".

"Sir, you're getting nervous

and you're making me nervous too.

One last time,

what letter can you see?"

The guy says: "The letter A".

The optician takes a closer look:

"sh*t, it is the letter A".

- Did you get some rest?

- Not really.

Excuse me, Eugenio.

Could you sign this, please?

- Of course.

- Wonderful. Thanks.

Eugenio.

It's the comedian off the telly.

Un, dos, tres.

- What's your name?

- Sebastia.

Thank you.

- Your autograph, please.

- Yes.

A negatively-charged electrode

is called a "cathode".

And a positively-charged...

- Look.

- ...is called an anode.

I have a tape of jokes,

they're so funny.

- Do you know him?

- Of course, he's my dad.

Eugenio is your dad?

He's called Eugenio Jofra,

I'm called Gerard Jofra.

He's my dad.

Liar.

Someone from school would know.

He's always working

so he never comes.

Yeah right, I wasn't born yesterday.

He's my dad, I swear.

Jofra, Gelma!

Be quiet.

Gerard's a liar.

He says Eugenio is his father.

It's true.

How can it be true?

They look nothing alike.

Look, Gerard...

If Eugenio really were your father,

you could ask him to come

to the school Christmas party.

Then we would all believe

that you're not a liar.

Bravo, bravo, bravo!

Very good!

Bravo!

Very good!

All we need now

is for your dad to get here.

When's he coming?

Last night he had a show in Zaragoza.

Of course. He's not coming

because he's not your dad.

Is that Gerard?

You know that one about...

The one about...

a boy who's stuffing his face

with cakes

and his mum says:

"Don't eat so many cakes,

you'll explode!"

He says:

"Give me another and duck, then".

Have you lost your mind?

How much is a house like this?

We can't afford it.

Know how much they're paying me

for the Madrid show?

You always say it's a stroke of luck

that won't last forever.

It'll last as long as it lasts.

Don't you see, love?

It won't last.

I won't be able to enjoy this house.

Don't say that.

That's why I bought it,

$0 you can enjoy it

while I'm away.

What are you running from?

What is it?

You have to talk to them.

- Hi, Mummy.

- Hi, Mum.

You have to prepare them.

Look at that car! Dad, look!

Whose is it?

It's brand new.

- It has three seats in the front.

Wow!

Boys, look.

Some keys.

Let's see if they work.

Quickly, get in.

Are we stealing it?

Don't you see, dummy?

It's Dad's new car.

Faster!

This car is amazing.

I liked it because

I can have you both by my side.

We'll be together a lot now.

We'll travel together.

We have to stick together, okay?

Is Mum going to die?

Will I be able to do my communion?

Of course you will!

And we'll have a massive party.

We might even invite Mazinger Z.

Right, get out and look in the boot.

What's all this?

Try them on.

I'll help you.

- Does it suit me?

- You look great.

Is the red one mine?

Let the clutch out gradually.

Go straight.

Come on, Gerard.

Great.

Great, you're doing it.

Go straight.

- Up here?

- Yes, come on up.

- Over there.

- Okay.

Thanks.

You have to sing again.

Good evening.

Thank you all for coming.

Our friends from the press, too.

I hope that today

will launch Conchita's career,

the prettiest brunette

in Sierra Morena,

with her new group, Tramuntana.

How can I say this

to make it easy for me

and to make you believe me?

Sometimes

I feel so close to you

when I sing.

Sometimes

I feel you so close to me

when you listen.

And I think

I've never dared to tell you

but now it's time to thank you

for all this time

that I've loved you.

We have walked together.

In happiness, together.

In sadness, together.

And you so often filled the void

in my words.

And in our game

you've always given me

a good hand.

For all of this

and things I hide from you,

I should thank you

for all the time

that makes me love you.

I love you, I do.

Maybe shyly,

maybe without knowing.

I love you.

And I'm jealous of you.

And I deny myself

the little I'm worth

if you deny me your affection.

I love you.

And I'm happy

when I see your strength

that fights and churns.

That I...

That I...

The years will pass

and that goodbye will come,

the way it has to be.

And I wonder if I'll be able

to find the right gesture

or be able to get used

to your absence.

But all of that will be

another story.

Now, I want to thank you

for all this time

that I've loved you.

I love you, I do.

Maybe shyly,

maybe without knowing.

I love you.

And I'm jealous of you.

And I deny myself

the little I'm worth

if you deny me your affection.

I love you.

And I'm happy

when I see your strength

that fights and churns.

That I...

That I...

That I...

That I...

I love you.

- I'll get my stuff and go.

- Where?

I have a show in Alicante tonight.

A show in Alicante?

- You have a show tonight?

- Yes.

- And your boys?

- They'll stay with you.

I'll be back first thing tomorrow.

Shouldn't you cancel and stay here?

I can't cancel.

It's my job.

We have to keep going.

You don't get it, Eugenio.

Can't you see

that your boys need their dad?

I'll explain it to them

when it's the right time.

They'll understand.

Now's the right time.

I'm not a good father.

You know that.

I haven't been a good son

or a good brother.

I wasn't even a good husband.

I'm not the person

you want me to be.

I'm just not.

...adding to that

the triumph of Seve Ballesteros

at the Augusta Golf Masters

in the United States.

Now, one for the nostalgics.

A song that, from the very first day,

became an anthem.

I'll leave my land for you

I'll leave my fields and I'll go

far away from here.

I'll find a place for you

where the sky meets the sea,

far away from here.

With my hands and with your love,

I'll manage to find another dream,

far away from here.

I'll spend my days

thinking about your smiles.

At night,

the stars will keep me company.

You'll be like a light

that lights up my way.

I'm leaving, but I swear

I'll be back again tomorrow.

When I leave,

a kiss and a flower,

an "l love you",

a caress and a goodbye.

I don't have much luggage

for such a long journey.

I carry my pain in my heart.

Somewhere beyond the sea

there'll be a place

where the sun...

Excuse me?

The Oasis club?

Eugenio!

Are you Eugenio?

It's quite far away,

on the outskirts.

If you want, I can show you the way.

Shall I get in?

I don't know...

In you get, Panchita.

My brother-in-law won't believe this.

1185, 120, 125...

130, 135, 140, 145...

And 150,000 pesetas.

Are you okay?

We're about to start.

The place is packed.

One minute, okay?

- Everything okay?

- Perfect.

You look serious tonight.

Did somebody die?

You know that one

about a madhouse.

One day, a doctor calls in three loons

to see if they can be discharged.

"Come here", he says.

The three nuts go over.

The doctor says:

"You, six times six".

"February", the man says.

"f*cking great", the doctor says.

He asks the second:

"You, six times six".

"A thousand".

"This one's useless too".

He asks the third:

"You, six times six".

The man says: "Thirty-six".

The doctor says:

"How did you reach that conclusion?"

"Easy, I divided February

by one thousand".

EUGENIO TOLD THOUSANDS OF JOKES

ACROSS COUNTLESS SHOWS

UNTIL HE DIED, AGED 59

ON EVERY ANNIVERSARY,

THE FORMER SAUSALITO VENUE

SEES THE LIGHT OF THE DAY

FULL OF TALL GLASSES IN HONOUR OF HIM

You know that one...

JOKES & CIGARETTES

You know that one about the woman

trying to get on the bus

but can't

because her skirt is too tight?

She rolls her skirt up

to her thighs

revealing her suspender belt.

A married couple are waiting

at the bus stop. The wife says:

"Paco, don't you think it's indecent,

lecherous and obscene

the way the men

are looking at that girl

trying to get on the bus?"

The husband replies,

his eyes wide as saucers:

"What bus?"

A man gets into a taxi and asks:

"Hey, can I smoke here?"

The driver says: "No!"

"-Then why's there an ashtray?"

"-For those who don't ask!".

"Mummy, Mummy!

Daddy wants to jump out the window!".

"I said I cuckolded him,

not that he's a cuckoo".

You know that one

about a man going for a job interview?

The manager says:

"You'll start off on 100,000 pesetas

and later it'll go up to 300,000".

"I'll come back later, then".