01x18 - Double Date

[bunniefuu]

-What's up, dude?
-Nothing.

Do you want me to start to leave
so you can call me back

and then tell me what's really going on?

-I'd like that.
-OK.

Wait, Joe.

Yeah, Kev?
Something up?

[sighs]
In five minutes I have a calculus test.

Yeah, but in 55 minutes
we have shop class.

There's a rumor going around
that Mr. Stone's gonna tell us

how he really lost that finger.

[chuckles]

Good try, but I don't think
anything's gonna shake these

five-minutes-to-calculus-test blues.

[blues harmonica playing]

[Nick] Stop.

I think I have something
that might change your tune,

which is technically
more h*nky-tonk than blues.

My blue-chew cookies,
best batch I've ever made.

Brought one for lunch.
It's yours.

Thanks, Nick, but I don't think
a cookie's gonna help any.

[moans]
Cookie!

-Cookie, cookie, cookie! Mm.
-Told you.

Suddenly, I feel like I'm floating
on a cookie dough cloud

with my best friends
the chocolate chipmunks.

[gasps]
I can see their tree from here.

Hi!
[coos]

Wow.

So, Nick, you got a cookie for me?

Sorry, bro, I only brought that one.

Plus, Kevin looked like he could
really use some cheering up.

You know, I could use
some cheering up, too.

-Got a test coming up?
-Nope.

-Girl break up with you?
-Not since preschool.

Sorry, you're out of luck.

Well, I'm not 100% thrilled
with the way my hair came out today!

Just kidding, you know.
Just wanted a cookie.

My hair is perfect.

-[theme music playing]
-♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ I was sitting at home ♪

♪ Watching TV all alone ♪

♪ So tired of routines ♪

♪ The day goes on and on ♪

♪ So I pick up the phone ♪

♪ Call everyone I know ♪

♪ I say there's gonna be a party ♪

♪ Hit the music, here we go, yeah ♪

♪ You gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Tell the DJ to play our song ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock and roll? ♪

♪ Gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Live to ♪

♪ Party! ♪

Thanks to Nick's cookie,
I totally had

the most fun ever in calculus.

-So how do you think you did?
-Oh, I absolutely failed.

But thanks to Nick's cookie,
I could care less.

-Hey, Stells, you busy Saturday?
-Van d*ke, Stella's not gonna want to--

-I'm not busy.
-[Van d*ke] You are now.

You and the Van Man
are gonna hit up that new restaurant.

They serve, like,

Dude, you're talking about El Meat?

That place will wrap
anything you want in bacon.

Oh, give me a meaty high-five!

That sounds great.

Actually, you know,
I'm gonna have to pass

'cause Joe and I have chemistry.

Well--

J... Joe and I have to
study for chemistry

'cause we have a chemistry test...
chemicals.

Hey, it's cool.
Next time, maybe.

Yeah, sure. Maybe.

Well, I have history.
[groans]

Bye.

-Hi. Remember me?
-Oh, yeah, you're that girl-dude.

At the inter-league baseball game,

-you struck me out seven times.
-Actually, it was 11 times.

-Well, who's counting?
-The officials were.

Yeah, they wrote it in the record book
and on that trophy.

-Well, you were dressed like a guy.
-Yeah, but you cried like a girl.

Fair enough.

[oven timer rings]

Where are all my blue-chews?

Oh, hey, Nick.

Are you making me some more
of your delicious cookies?

There were a dozen in this tray,
but somebody, Kevin, ate them all.

And you automatically blame me.
How dare you, sir?

-On what grounds?
-Let's start with your blue lip gloss.

Oh. Um... well, how about we talk about it
while you bake some more cookies?

I'm not making you any more cookies.

-You obviously have no self-control.
-You have got to be kidding.

-Do I look like I'm kidding?
-Nick, you never look like you're kidding.

I don't look like I'm leaving either,
but watch this.

[scatting]

You look happy.

Did Nick give you his cookies?

-Yeah, but I gave 'em to Frankie.
-You gave 'em to Frankie?!

Who gives an eight-year-old cookies?

-You're breathing on me again.
-Sorry.

Did you see what Stella
did to Van d*ke yesterday?

It was so good, dude.
I hope he has an ice pack

-'cause he got burned.
-Well, I hope you're grateful.

Huh?

She totally turned down
Van d*ke because of you.

-What? Me? Why?
-She didn't want you to feel bad.

What? Me? Why?

Joe, come over here
and let your big brother

give you some big brotherly advice.

Embrace it.
Love it. Yeah.

Everybody knows you and Stella
have a crush on each other...

-except you and Stella.
-What's your point?

-Ask her out.
-You mean like outside?

You know what I mean.

No, no, no, no, no.

Me and Stella cannot date.
I mean, it would ruin our band,

-the friendship. Stella knows that.
-I don't know.

Van d*ke invited her to El Meat.

She would have never turned down
that tasty goodness if it wasn't for you.

You're right.

The best thing is for me
to tell Stella how I feel right now.

So, Joe, did you profit from talking
to your older and wiser brother?

-Yeah, sure, sure.
-Good.

So did you actually
see Frankie eat the cookie,

or do you think he might still have it?

[chuckles]

[rock music playing]

Hey, Stella, can we talk...
about you and me?

You and me, Joe? Um...

-Sure, what's up?
-You should go out with Van d*ke.

How is that about you and me?

If you want to go out with Van d*ke,
don't let me stop you.

-Stop talking.
-Oh. OK.

First: Wow.
Second: Huh?

And third: Huh? Again.

I mean, don't say no
to Van d*ke because of me.

Stop talking.

I'm not saying no
to Van d*ke because of you.

And why are you suddenly
all up in my personal life?

Hey, whatever you want to do
in your personal life is fine with me.

[clears throat]
stop talking!

You have my blessing
to go out with whoever you want.

Oh, for the love of all that is Mike,
stop talking.

Oh! Hey, Stells!

-Since you're not free on Saturday--
-Actually, um, I... I am free on Saturday.

[giggles]
And if you're still free...

Touchdown.
How about I pick you up at 7:00?

I'll be ready at 6:50.

Cool. I'll walk you to the planetarium.

This school doesn't have
a planetarium, but OK.

So what's your favorite color?

Why didn't you stop me from talking?

How's that?

[thuds]

-[rock music plays]
-♪ Living life, life in the fast... ♪

[music stops]

[whispering]
Nick...

this is your conscience speaking.

Even though it sounds like
your big brother Kevin, it's not.

OK, it's very important

that tomorrow you bake lots more
of your cookies for me...

I mean, for him.

Like I said, it just sounds like Kevin.

OK, let's review.

Tomorrow, cookies, lots of them.

Now go to sleep.
Sleepy sleep.

Go to sleep.
OK, sleep.

Don't forget the cookies.
Cookies.

[oven timer rings]

Kevin! In the kitchen!

Hey, Nick.
What's up?

Here. Cookies. Eat.

Wow, what a strange turn of events.

I thought you weren't
making me any more cookies.

I know, right?
But I woke up this morning

with this urgent need,
and I've been baking you cookies all day.

It's like I had this
little voice in my head saying,

"Cookies, lots of them, for me."
I mean you.

-[chuckles]
-[chuckles] Right.

So you're saying all these are for me?

Oh and these.

-Don't eat 'em all at once.
-I love you, man! Ah!

OK, can you put one in my mouth?

-I only have two hands.
-No.

OK, Van d*ke picked Stella up at 7:00.

They go to a restaurant,
they have dinner, he takes her home.

But I just called her house
and she's not there. How come?

Maybe because it's only 7:15.

Joe, you just need to calm down.

Let's all sit down and have a cookie,

but not these cookies!
These are mine!

Joe, I don't get it.

You're the one who made Stella
go on the date with Van d*ke.

I didn't make her go.
I said, "You can go if you want to."

-Well, then what's the problem?
-I didn't want her to!

Especially, if she was gonna
be there for 16 minutes!

Joe, come to big brother Kevin
for some more brotherly advice.

I'm not going back in there.
I'm just gonna call her on her cell.

You are not calling Stella
on her cell phone.

OK. I'll just call the restaurant.

-Don't make me sticker your mouth again.
-Hello...

-[glass shatters]
-[cat howls]

-Then I'll go to El Meat.
-Whoa!

We cannot let you do that.

If you go, Stella will hate you forever.

Brothers don't let brothers
make fools of themselves.

Kevin, I'm sorry I've let you down
for so many years.

You guys are right.
You know, I'm just gonna take a walk,

-get some fresh air.
-Sounds good.

-Kevin, can I have the car keys, please?
-Yeah, man. Here you go.

-Thank you.
-Kevin, what are you doing?

Oh! I know what you're thinking.

I'm sure he's just taking
the car for a drive,

so he can find a really
nice place to go on a walk.

It's all good.

This is very exotic.

I've never been to a restaurant

where they carry the food
around on swords.

Only the best
for the Van Man's arm candy.

[clicks teeth]
Hey, when the food comes,

I'll make sure
to order you extra ketchup.

Mmm, ketchup.

So, hey, what do you feel like eating?

Beef or pork?

-OK, let's see.
-[cow moos]

You know, suddenly,
I'm feeling like a... like a vegetarian.

Oh, well, not a problem,
they have chicken.

[Joe]
Hey, guys!

Oh, please, no.

Hey, it's one of those singing dudes!
What's up?

-Mind if I join you?
-Put it down, buddy.

No. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no--

-This is gonna be awesome.
-No.

[pig snorts]

Can we get a round
of squirrel appetizers?

Well, Joe, how is it that you
happen to come here tonight

of all places on earth?

You mean this is the new meat restaurant
with all the meat, called El Meat,

where you guys
had reservations at 7:00?

What a coinkidink, right?

-What are you doing here?
-I... am on a date.

With who?

Hey, guys!
[panting]

Sorry, I'm late.

A big rig broke down
and I had to help the guy change a flat.

[chuckles]
So cute.

[chuckles]
So cute.

Will you excuse me for a minute?

I have to use
the little girls' room with Macy...

-and Joe.
-Shouldn't we order first?

It says here,
the goat takes 45 minutes to prepare.

-Shut it and walk.
-OK.

-Girls.
-Girls.

Wow.

OK, one of you start talking.

-Well--
-Not you.

OK, well, I know this looks really bad,

but before you say anything,
Joe offered me a deal

that was too good to pass up:

Date with Joe of Jonas,

uh, heavy drama
and exclusive real-time blogging rights

for my Jonas fan club.
It's a win-win-win.

OK, you're forgiven.

-I really like your dress.
-Thank you.

But you! Why do I feel like
the only reason you're here

is to butt in on my social life?

Fasten your seat belts, Jonas heads.

-This is gonna be a bumpy night!
-[beeps]

-I don't care about your social life.
-Oh. Oh, you don't care.

OK. Well, then, why are you here?

Could it be that
you're a little bit jealous?

Dudes! Check it out!
Free bibs!

-[Macy giggles]
-I'm not jealous.

I'm hungry. Macy, why don't we
get the buffalo for two?

-[phone chimes]
-Instant poll.

Ninety-nine percent of Jonas heads
says that he is jealous.

Fred says to not fill up
on the cheesy bread.

Hm.

More. More. More.
More. More.

More. More.
What is this?

Now, at first I was running

just to help out my tight end,
but I went so fast...

[mimics whooshing noises]
Yeah!

I caught my own pass.

Wow, you caught your own pass?

Yeah. But even Van d*ke's
gotta follow the rules,

so, I called interference on myself
and got a 15-yard penalty.

You know, it is so refreshing

to talk to someone who's athletic
and in touch with his body.

I'm athletic. You know,
I do all my own stunts on stage.

Yeah, like... like swinging a microphone.
Ooh, you daredevil.

Hi, this'll just take a second.

How's your meat?

-[all applauding]
-Thank you, El Meat!

Thank you.
No, seriously, sit down.

[chattering]

[sighs] Two cartwheels at restaurant:
first Joe, then my heart.

That is my definition of athletic.

Oh, really? Really?
'Cause that's my definition of desperate.

Oh! So, is the amount of perfume
you poured on for Van Jock over here.

OK, that's it!

Be careful,
most of that will go to your hips.

-[gasps]
-[laughs]

Oh, oh, I don't plan on eating it,
I plan on feeding it to you,

-tambourine boy.
-[Macy gasps]

"Oh, no, she didn't!"

Get ready to enjoy what is
apparently some fried pigeon.

Guys! Please! Stop!

-[camera clicks]
-Great, 'cause otherwise,

you would've come out all blurry.
[chuckles]

I would like to go home now, Van d*ke.

Of course, Stella.
I'll call my mom.

-[rock music playing]
-♪ Yeah! ♪

[tires screech]

[crickets chirping]

♪ Live to ♪

♪ Party! ♪

And... Oh! Come on. Uh-huh!

What you got?
That's when I block it!

[grunting]

And he scores! Yes!

Take that, Kevin!
[hooting]

-Hey, Kev.
-Hey!

-How you doing?
-Pretty good.

I'm winning 273 to 194.

-[crowd cheering]
-And now I'm losing 194 to 273.

-[whimpers]
-[crowd booing]

-Yeah.
-Looks like you're having a great time.

[panting]
Actually, it looks that way, doesn't it?

But actually,
I'm having a terrible time!

I can't stop. Why can't I stop?
Oh, look! Cardio!

That'll help.

Why can't I stop, Nick?
Why can't I stop?

Oh, look, the guitar!

Hey, Nick, I wrote a new slow song.

-You want to hear it? OK!
-[plays fast rock music]

What do you think?
Yeah, it's a little boring in the middle.

-I don't know what I'm doing!
-It's all those cookies I made you.

-You're having a sugar rush.
-It's not your fault!

I have a confession to make.
Last night, when you were sleeping,

I hypnotized you so that you would
make me more of your cookies.

That little voice inside your head,
that was me!

-I know.
-What?!

I have a confession to make.

I was actually awake.
I made all those cookies on purpose

-to try and teach you a lesson.
-And that lesson being?

That you have no self-control.
And once you've learned that lesson,

then you can take a few in knitting
because that thing is way long.

Well, how can I make it stop?

Don't worry about that,
you'll crash soon enough.

I don't know if I will, Nick.

I think I could do this for days.
It's like I'll never stop.

[snoring]

I'll tell you this much,
I'm never speaking to that girl again.

If she thinks she can
tell me what to do--

-[Stella] Joe, get down here!
-I'm coming!

-Good night, cookie.
-Cookie!

-[snoring]
-What up?

Don't give me "what up" all innocent
like you don't know what up.

I don't know how someone
can be so conceited

and selfish and just... just thoughtless.

Yeah, well, you are stuck up,
pretentious and totally gorgeous.

-Gorgeous?!
-What?

-You said I was gorgeous.
-I... I meant adorable,

so adorable, you make me sick.

Oh, I'm sorry.
If I'm so sickeningly adorable,

then why did you come
to the restaurant tonight?

-Why did you go out with Van d*ke?
-Because he asked me!

Isn't that how it works, Joe?

A guy asks out a girl
because he likes her?

What about a guy not asking out a girl
because he likes her, huh?

Have you ever thought about that?

-What?!
-I didn't want to wreck

everything you and me don't have together.

That makes absolutely no sense!

Yeah? Well, sometimes,
things don't make sense.

OK, like...

Oh. Um... I see your point.

And I shall see you tomorrow.

This is not my purse.

-Cookie?
-[screams]

Get them away from me!

Good boy.

You two seem to be friends again.

We never stopped being friends.

Oh, no, we just agreed to forget

-everything that happened last night.
-Absolutely everything.

Definitely. The whole thing
was ridiculous and best forgotten.

I don't even know
what we're talking about.

-Sweet, so everything's back to normal?
-Totally normal.

Totally normal.

-[school bell rings]
-See you at lunch.

Great.

[both murmur]

Did we miss something?

[panting] It's not your fault.
I have a confession to make.

Last night, when you were sleeping,

I hypnotized you so you would
make me more of your cookies.

-I know.
-That little voice inside your head,

that was me!

-I know.
-What?!

-I'm sorry.
-[laughs and groans]

[crew laughing]

-[man 1] OK, here we go.
-[man 2] Still rolling.

I'm watching you.

You two seem to be friends again.

Yeah...
[stammers]

[crew laughing]

I would like to go home now,
Van d*ke, please.

Oh! Oh!

-[squealing]
-Of course, Stella.

I'll call my mom.

[mimics zapping noises]

[all laughing]

-[man] Cut, please.
-[bell rings]