01x11 - The Three Musketeers

[bunniefuu]

-[tires screeching]
-Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

That walking this way looks really cool
but makes us late for class?

No.

Auditions tomorrow
for The Three Musketeers?

We should totally audition.
We would be perfect!

-Plus, we get to wear hats with feathers.
-Seriously?

I don't joke around
about a feathered hat.

Guys, but we're not actors.

When you told Nick his hair
wasn't big this morning,

-that was acting.
-I rely on you.

But it looks great now.
[chuckles]

-Oh, thanks.
-Wow, I guess I can act.

[Kevin chuckles]
I'm gonna put our names down.

If we do this, we take it seriously.

-And I want a humungous sword.
-This could be fun.

And a leather patch
to put my turkey leg in.

What? In the old days,
they didn't have lunch boxes.

You know, it would be really cool for us
to be the three musketeers.

-So what do you say?
-I'm in.

Let's do it.

[all]
One for all, and all for one!

That's a little...
um, we should work on that.

Yeah. I hear ya.

[groans]
There's a hair on my turkey leg.

-[theme music playing]
-♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ I was sitting at home ♪

♪ Watching TV all alone ♪

♪ So tired of routines ♪

♪ The day goes on and on ♪

♪ So I pick up the phone ♪

♪ Call everyone I know ♪

♪ I say there's gonna be a party ♪

♪ Hit the music, here we go, yeah ♪

♪ You gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Tell the DJ to play our song ♪

♪ Are you ready to rock and roll? ♪

♪ Gotta live to party
Bust your move ♪

♪ Everybody's in the groove ♪

♪ Live to ♪

♪ Party! ♪

-Warm towel?
-Don't mind if I do.

-Five bucks, please.
-Don't mind if I don't.

[door opens]

I'll take it.
And instead of five bucks,

I'll let you continue to live here.

-Hey, man, here you go.
-Hit me.

[gasps]
Ahh, invigorating.

Hey, you guys, today's your big audition
for The Three Musketeers, right?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Need any acting pointers?

I got rave reviews in
my kindergarten production

of Safety On a School Bus.

Music and singing come naturally to us,

so we're just going to go
with our instincts.

Instincts? Great. Really bad idea.
[chuckles]

Let me give you a few pointers.

-That's OK.
-Sure?

-No thanks, Dad.
-Few pointers?

How about a few pointers?

Dad, would you please give us
a few acting pointers?

OK, if you insist.
Come on.

All right, look, acting,

the key is right here,
it's all in the face, OK?

All right?

So, let's run through some
acting expressions, OK?

Start with anger.
[grunts]

-[grunting]
-That's good, anger. Angry!

OK, all right.
Um, bravery.

"Oh, nothing can hurt me.
I'm so brave."

Good, that's good.
OK.

And now try joy, right into joy.

"For me!"
[laughs]

Ooh! Kevin,
your body language is fantastic.

Joe, great energy.

Nick, I think you show
a little bit of that quiet star power

that I did as, Boy with Motion Sickness.

-Thanks, Dad.
-OK.

Now, let me give you some warm-ups
to get your speech clear

and your focus centered, OK?

Mmm.... meh!

Mmm... meh!

Mm... meh!

[blowing raspberries]

[giggling]

Oh, yes, I can.
Oh, yes, I can.

[shouts indistinct]

[chuckles]

-[crickets chirping]
-Boys?

Move 'em or lose 'em, pal!

-Oh, sorry.
-What are you doing, Macy?

Oh, I lost my lucky charm.
I can't play without it,

and we have a basketball game.

Well, maybe we can help you.
What does it look like?

It's a little charm that says "You're #1."

And without it, I feel like #2.

-Macy?
-Yeah?

You don't need a lucky charm.

Yes, I do. It helps me win.
And I like to win.

Macy, it's your hard work and talent
that make you a great athlete.

I guess.

You know what?
We don't want you to be late for the game.

So, you go ahead,
and me and Joe will stay here and look.

Right. OK.

Man, some people are so superstitious.
I don't get it.

I've used the same blue panda pencil
forever on all my math tests.

And I don't use it because
I'm superstitious,

I just always have it with me.

Wait, where's my blue panda pencil?

No! No!

No.

[sighs]
Here it is, my blue panda pencil.

[rock music plays]

[people chattering]

Hey, Stella.

Which role are you trying out for?

Oh, I'm gonna try out for this lady

with the fancy French name
that I can't pronounce.

Oh, well it says here
that she's beautiful.

-You'll definitely get the part.
-Thank you.

Stella! There you are.
I looked all over.

-What did you want to talk to me about?
-Um, nothing.

Me too.

We're so in sync, you and me.
You and me.

Hey, Miss Snart,
my brothers and I are here to audition.

I heard Jonas was in the house.

And by "house,"
I obviously mean theater, not hizzy.

Right. Um, but we're not here as Jonas,

just Nick, Kevin and Joe
auditioning like everyone else.

We don't want any special treatment.

Gentlemen, I am a woman of the theater...
and biology lab.

I award roles on the sole basis of talent.

I assure you, you're going to have to
prove yourselves like everyone else.

Next!

-My dear Car--
-Brilliant! You've got the part.

-My lady--
-Perfection! You've got the part.

-[clears throat]
-Magnificent! You've got the part.

I still say we got our roles
'cause we're celebrities.

I mean, how else do you explain
landing a role after saying one word?

I didn't even say a word.

Miss Snart, we're a little concerned
that we may have gotten our roles

because of, you know, who we are.

You absolutely got your roles
because of who you are.

And who you are, are fine young actors.

When you've been a biology/drama teacher

as long as I,
you only need to hear one word

sometimes less, to recognize talent.
Bravo.

I can assure you that
casting you had nothing

to do with your ability to sell tickets.

Yeah, nothing to do with it at all.

So, did you guys hear?

♪ I got the part ♪

♪ I got the part ♪

I am playing Lady Bona-la-chew...
[mumbling]

[clears throat]

Wait, isn't that the love interest
to Porthos played by our very own Joe?

Is it? I haven't read that far, so...

-Uh, me neither.
-What's in the box?

Oh, this is my wig.
I guess I have big fancy hair

to go with my big fancy name.

Why does it say "Box one of three?"

I thought high heels were hard.

[Miss Snart]
Musketeers: Athos, Porthos and Aramis,

you're deciding whether
to trust a criminal

to help you rescue Porthos's true love.

Aramis, from your line.

Then it is up to us
to save her before she loses her head.

Sorry.

Staple g*n!
Everybody take five.

Porthos, let's work on your monologue.

OK.

-The night has fallen--
-[Miss Snart] Stop!

I'm not feeling Porthos.
You're giving me Joe.

I love Joe.
But I want Porthos.

[clears throat]

[heart beating]

The night has fallen.

The night has fallen.

And within my heart...

[warped laughing]

What are you doing?

Look at you.

Porthos?
Porthos?

Hey, dude, what happened?
You totally skipped the scene

-where I get to wear my feathered hat.
-What's going on?

I don't want to do this play anymore.
It's not my thing.

What? You can't just quit.
We're the three musketeers.

-You looked pretty nervous up there.
-Nervous?

I perform in front of 50,000
screaming fans with no sweat.

Yeah, but in front of us
there was some sweat.

OK, maybe just a little nervous.
Just a little bit.

I think I'm gonna throw up...
just a little bit.

-Why do you suddenly have stage fright?
-I don't know.

When we're performing,
I just have to be Joe!

-And that's pretty easy.
-You are an excellent Joe.

Best one I've ever worked with.

But with this play,
I have to be a totally different person.

What if nobody believes me?
Or they think you're Aramis

and you're Athos and I'm Stinkos?

I mean, I... I do not want to do that.

Bro, this is supposed to be fun.
If it's not, forget it. No big.

-I'm fine.
-Then please let go of my shirt.

What is going on?

Not the show, I can tell you that.

Not to be melodramatic about it,
but the show must go on!

-I can't do the role.
-Joe, are you OK?

You can't quit.
If you quit, I'll have no career.

I'm sorry, it's just you're going to
have to find somebody else for the part.

Do you have another brother?

There's Frankie.

He's eight, but he can play
really close to 11.

Where am I going to find another Porthos

-in such short notice?
-What up, diggy dogs?

Magnificence!
You've got the part.

Awesome.
A part of what?

The part of Porthos in
The Three Musketeers.

-Porthos is her love interest.
-Oh. I'm in.

After the break, we'll start rehearsing
the big romantic scene

between you and Stella.
Come.

[yells]

It's my talent and hard work
that's made me a great athlete?

Nerks!

[exhales]

Ooh.
I'm sorry.

It's just that we lost yesterday
because I didn't have my lucky charm.

I threw nothing but bricks.

Me! Mighty mite Macy Misa!

Here.

Your Jacques Le Fejette
size eight-and-a-half calfskin boot

-in hot cocoa brown?
-Why?

Don't tell anybody,
but I believe in lucky charms, too.

That's my lucky boot.
I want you to have it.

But how do you know it's lucky?

Besides the obvious fact that it gets
to hug your foot all day and night?

I wear it every single night on stage.

I've never done a performance without it,
and I've never been struck by lightning!

Now if that's not lucky,
I don't know what is.

Well, then come on, lucky boot.
Let's go kick some butt!

-Hey, Joe, can we talk about the play?
-What about it?

Aren't you guys gonna ask me
about my boot first?

[both] No.

Joe, seeing as how you decided
to leave the play,

me and Nick wanted to let you know that
if you wanted us to quit, we will.

I really, really don't want to,
but I will.

I really don't want to.
But I will.

I really don't want to.
But I will.

I really, really don't want to.

-But I will.
-Guys.

I don't want you to quit because of me.

It's really cool.
I appreciate it.

I guess we are the three musketeers.

-Hey.
-Hey, my two musketeers.

Let's hit play practice.

I think you mean rehearsal.

Rehearsal, yeah.
That's what Miss Snart called it.

Hey, where's your boot?

Thank you for asking.

You know, it is a crazy story,
it happened to me a little earlier...

Look, um, I'm sorry to see you quit.

Yeah, well, Van d*ke
stepped right in there.

I mean, I'm not
Van d*ke Tosh, you know?

Well, he's no you.

Yeah, well, he's a pretty
good-looking guy, though.

-Do you want me to lie to you?
-Yes, I do.

Hey, Stella, come on!
One for all, and all for fun!

It's a great risk, Porthos.

[grunting]

But Athos, we must trust... him

if we are to save the life of the fair...

Lady de Bonna...

Lady de Bonna-de-so-la-boo.

I thought rehearsal was over an hour ago.

Yeah, well, some of us
needed some more practice.

Ah, no problem, fellas.
I'm glad I could help you out.

I did win the team-player-of-the-year
trophy two years running.

Speaking of running, where's the can?

-Over there.
-Thanks.

Well, that is one classy guy.

Yeah, but we still wish it was you
that we were rehearsing with, Joe.

And I bet you wish Van d*ke
wasn't rehearsing with Stella.

So he kisses her hand in one scene,
no big deal.

So you did read ahead.

Whatever. The point is,
why is Van d*ke here in our room?

This is like sacred Jonas territory.

It's not like Van d*ke's
going to replace you, Joe.

Except, you know, in the play
where he actually did replace you.

[Kevin]
Right.

Yo, dudes, what do you say
we go grab some bites?

-Sounds good.
-I'm in.

-One for all...
-[Nick and Kevin] All for one.

"Yo, dudes, wanna grab some bites?"

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Why, why? ♪

♪ Does it hurt so bad? ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪
♪ Why, why? ♪

♪ Does it make me mad? ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Tell me why ♪

♪ Why, why? ♪

♪ Does it hurt so bad? ♪

♪ Why does it hurt so bad? ♪

-♪ Tell me why ♪
-♪ Why, why? ♪

♪ Does it make me mad? ♪

Hey, guys, I just wanted
to say have a great show.

Hey, thanks, bud!
We sure will.

OK, boys, huddle up!
Go acting!

Yeah. Um, Joe, this is really weird.

I think this is the first time
we've ever performed without you.

I guess so.

Attention, everyone!
Attention!

Last-minute change to the romantic
love scene between Porthos and Lady B.

Instead of a kiss on the hand,

the school board has said it's OK
for it to be a real kiss!

What?

Awesome.

Places, everyone.

-Curtain in one minute!
-[feedback]

Popcorn?

How can you eat at a time like this?

Thanks for filming the play, Frankie.

Your mother would be very upset
if she couldn't watch this

when she gets back
from your Aunt Debbie's.

-No problem.
-[cartoon sounds]

Are you watching cartoons?
Give me this.

I knew it was him, for he had the mark
of the criminal on his shoulder!

Then it is up to us to save her
before she loses her head.

[applauding]

'Tis a great risk, Porthos.

'Tis a great risk, Porthos.

-[applause]
-[man] Van d*ke!

[audience laughs]

But, Athos, we must trust... him

for tonight, I shall ask...

I shall ask...

"Sweep my beloved into my arms
and proclaim my love for her."

Sweep up with my arms

the love and proclaim for her.

Looks like somebody
could use a lucky boot.

Dare I ask if I may have your heart?

Yes, yes, my beloved.

A thousand times, yes.

Dare I ask...
if I may have a kiss?

Dare, dare, my beloved.

A thousand times dare.

Stella and Van d*ke are gonna...

[Joe] No!

[grunts]

[audience exclaims]

Joe, what are you doing?

-I'm sorry, but he can't kiss you.
-Why not?

Because this is my role.

Dare I ask, may I have a kiss,
Lady de Bonna-de-so-la-boo?

Yes.

I mean...

Dare, dare, my beloved.
A thousand times dare.

[applause]

Bravo! Bravo!

Aramis, my sword!

[groans]

Oh, it's better than Cats.

We'll return at dawn, my love.

-One for all!
-[all] And all for one!

And a leather pouch for my turkey leg!

[applause]

Hey, Kevin.

Oh, hey, what's up, Macy?

-Hey, how'd the basketball game go?
-Oh, we lost.

-Did you get struck by lightning?
-No.

Good.
Then my lucky boot worked.

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

Boots, charms... they're not good luck.

It is talent and hard work
that helped me win

all my awards and trophies.

Oh, OK. So, then you're not gonna want
this cheesy little lucky #1 charm

that I found on the stairs
this morning then?

Actually, I don't.

[thunder rumbles]

-Here's your boot.
-Here's your charm!

-OK. Uh, that way!
-[yells]